Pregnancy Test

Alexis:I'm going for that effortless Carrie Bradshaw vibe, you know? Like, Sex and the City but make it community college.

David:Alexis, you're not getting into Vogue. You're going to community college.

Alexis:David!

David:What? It's a reality check, not a death sentence.

David:So if only your top students go to Elmdale, that means you're a terrible teacher.

Johnny:Can someone take out the garbage?

Alexis:Dad, you're already wearing cleaning gloves.

David:Did you hear that Malala is speaking at the college?

Alexis:Maybe he did.

Johnny:I'm checking my temperature.

David:That's a pregnancy test.

Johnny:I know what it is.

Johnny:It's positive.

Moira:Well, of course it's positive. I don't do negative. It's not in my vocabulary.

Johnny:Wait, wait, wait. How many children are we talking about here? Because I'm not prepared to support more than one.

David:Well, I think Alexis knows that this is a mistake, and she's just... she's just waiting for someone to say it out loud.

Johnny:Of course, of course. I'm here for you, sweetheart. Whatever you need to talk about, I'm all ears.

Johnny:Although, I have to say, the timing is a bit much. Your mother and I were just about to have a moment, and frankly, we're exhausted from managing everyone else's problems. But go ahead.

Moira:We'll send her to one of those homes. You know, for unwed mothers. They still exist, don't they?

Johnny:Moira, it's 2020.

Moira:Well, the nuns will know what to do. They always do.

David:I'm hearing that you're feeling unsupported, and I want to validate that. But I also think it's important that we create a space where we can all feel comfortable expressing our needs without judgment.

David:I'm sorry, what? I didn't realize that my primary responsibility in this family was to be Alexis's... what, her contraceptive? Because I have to tell you, that's not a job I'm particularly qualified for, and frankly, it's not one I'm interested in.

David:I can't apply my own eye serum. My hands shake when I'm emotionally compromised, and frankly, I'm always emotionally compromised.

Customer:Do you have bath salts?

David:Yes, we do.

Patrick:Do you think you'll make it through this?

David:I don't know. I really don't know. I mean, Alexis is pregnant, and I'm going to be an uncle, and I just... I don't think I have the emotional capacity to handle something like that.

Moira:Has anyone seen my sunglasses? I've looked everywhere.

Jocelyn:Moira, they're on your head.

Moira:Oh my God.

Jocelyn:I don't want to pry...

Moira:Well, you're doing a wonderful job.

Moira:I am absolutely outraged! A pregnancy? As if I didn't have enough on my plate. This is like showing up to brunch only to find out it's been rescheduled, except the brunch is my uterus and someone forgot to tell me!

Alexis:I have something to tell you all. I'm pregnant.

Moira:Oh my god!

David:Congratulations?

Johnny:Well, this is unexpected.

Jocelyn:Actually, I'm the one who's pregnant.

Moira:You're having an affair.

Jocelyn:What? No!

Moira:Well, you haven't told Roland. What else could it possibly be?

Moira:Well, you know, a bun in the oven is really just the Lord's way of saying the inn is full.

Johnny:Alexis, I want you to know that your mother and I are here for you, no matter what you decide to do about the baby.

Alexis:Dad, I'm not pregnant. I'm thinking about going back to school.

Johnny:Right, right. Well, either way, we support you.

Alexis:Okay, but you don't need to be this involved in my college decision. I can handle it myself.

Johnny:Alexis, I'm very concerned about your ability to handle this responsibility.

Alexis:Dad, I know it seems like a lot, but I'm actually thinking about giving it up.

Johnny:Giving it up? What are you talking about?

Alexis:Yeah, I mean, college just isn't really for me. I think I'm going to focus on other things.

Johnny:College? Oh thank God.

Stevie:So... that happened.

Patrick:Is that a hickey?

David:It's not a hickey, it's a mark. And before you say anything, yes, it's completely my fault. I was trying to be gentle, but apparently I'm not built for tenderness.

Patrick:David...

David:What? You're the one who wanted to foolproof the whole thing!

Stevie:I can help you guys get some privacy.

David:How?

Stevie:I'll go away for the weekend.

David:Oh, that's very kind of you, but I have a better solution. I'll just tell you to go away, and you'll save yourself the gas money.

David:Fifty dollars? I'll give you twenty dollars to leave and never come back.

David:This is very generous. What's the catch?

Stevie:No catch. I just realized I spend so much time at the store anyway, and my apartment's just sitting empty, so I thought, why not let someone live there for free?

David:That's... actually really kind of you.

Stevie:Yeah, well, it has nothing to do with the fact that I need someone to pay my rent because I've made some poor financial decisions and I'm in a lot of debt.

Moira:We should budget for prophylactics.

Alexis:So where is the quad? And the library with the, like, spiral staircases?

Student:Oh, it's just down the hall and to the left.

Alexis:Oh my God, amazing. Thank you so much!

Alexis:Wait, is this... is this from The Social Network?

Student:Yeah, we couldn't afford to do a photoshoot, so we just used a still from a movie.

Student:We have a great campus, amazing professors, and incredible networking opportunities.

Student:Actually, none of that's true. Our campus is falling apart, our professors are drunk, and nobody wants to network with us.

College staff:Even their free agenda is wrong and unusable

Alexis:Okay, so if I just sign up for another class, I can get store credit?

Student:We don't give refunds.

Alexis:Right, but what if I say it's for my emotional support dog?

Student:We don't give refunds.

Alexis:What if I cry? Like, really commit to it?

Student:We don't give refunds.

Student:So yeah, I'm taking all my courses online now. It's great because I can study whenever I want.

Student:Plus, I get to hand out my DJ business cards to everyone I meet.

Student:Like, uh, you seem really cool. You should come to one of my sets sometime.

Alexis:Oh my God, that's so sweet, but I'm actually... I have a boyfriend.

College Staff Member:We're here to help you with whatever you need.

College Staff Member:Have you thought about what you'd like to study? Or... are you free Friday night?

David:The mark is above the alcohol level.

Patrick:Well, that's the whole point of drinking, isn't it? To get above the line.

David:Who's that?

Stevie:Oh, that's Jake. He's picking me up.

David:Jake? Since when do you call him that? I thought his name was... well, I don't know his name.

Stevie:It's Jake. And he calls me pony.

David:Pony? Like the animal?

Stevie:It's a pet name.

David:Well, that's depressing.

David:Oh yes, because nothing says 'term of endearment' like calling someone a horse.

David:I'm sure she's thrilled to be compared to a four-legged animal that lives in the woods.

David:Wait. Why are you being so nice to me? You never do this.

Stevie:I don't know what you're talking about.

David:No, no, no. You're being suspiciously generous. You're hiding something. What is it?

Stevie:I'm not hiding anything.

David:You're dating someone, aren't you?

Johnny:I'm getting hungry. And you know what that means — I'm about to become unbearable. So if I say anything cutting or unnecessarily harsh in the next few minutes, just know it's the hunger talking, not my actual contempt for you.

Roland:My wife's cooking? It's like she's trying to kill me. Every night I'm wondering if this is the one that does it.

Johnny:Well, I... that's... I mean, Moira is actually a very creative cook.

Roland:Creative? That's what you call it? I call it a cry for help. Last night she made something I think was supposed to be chicken.

Johnny:Ha. Yes. Well. You know, I've had some of her dishes that were quite... memorable.

Jocelyn:Roland, I'm pregnant.

Roland:Pregnant? With what?

Jocelyn:I'm pregnant!

Roland:That's great! Now, I'm thinking we order some wings. What do you want?

Roland:To Jocelyn and the little bun in the oven!

Roland:You're gonna be the designated driver for the next nine months.

Moira:I'm so happy this is happening to you both. Really, truly happy. For you. That it's happening to you.

Patrick:We're like a store that's closed for renovations. We need to put up the 'out of order' sign on the relationship stuff and just... focus on the romance section.

David:Did you just compare our relationship to a store?

Patrick:A very well-organized store.

David:So tell me, before me, how many serious relationships have you had?

Patrick:David, I'm not doing this.

David:What? I'm just curious about your past.

Patrick:No. We're not having this conversation. I know where this goes.

Alexis:So Dad was telling me about the big business opportunity he's been working on.

David:What? Dad doesn't have any business opportunities.

Alexis:He said something about a massive... thing. He was very excited.

Johnny:I was talking about my colonoscopy results.

Alexis:Your what?

Johnny:The doctor said everything came back clear. No polyps.

David:Oh my God.

Alexis:So you were excited about your... colon?

Johnny:I'm 60 years old, Alexis. A clean bill of health is a big deal.

Johnny:David, you need to be more supportive. What if Alexis were pregnant with twins?

David:I would literally fake my own death.

Alexis:David, think about it. Babies are like the ultimate accessory. They're portable, they're cute, and honestly, they're a great way to seem more relatable at parties.

David:Alexis, no.

Alexis:Plus, they're constantly changing, so it's like having a new wardrobe every few months. And the sleep deprivation? That's just free weight loss. You literally cannot eat when you're that tired.

David:I'm not having a baby based on your skincare regimen logic.

Alexis:Well, they're also super affordable. I mean, once you factor in the crib, the stroller, the car seat, the clothes they immediately outgrow... it's basically like collecting art, except it screams at 3 a.m.

Alexis · Admissions Worker:Alexis: 'Okay great, I would like a refund, please.' Worker: 'Uh, the problem is, is we don't give refunds.' Alexis: 'Okay, then I guess I would just like my money back, then.' Worker: 'Again, we don't give refunds.'

Alexis · Admissions Worker:Alexis: 'This is the first time that I've ever invested in anything myself, and I thought that was like, the responsible choice, but clearly, this is like, a joke school.' Worker: 'Well, that's why most students do their courses online.'

Alexis · Admissions Worker:Alexis: 'So like, potentially, I could refund my refund request, do all my courses online, and like, never have to ever come back here again?' Worker: 'That's actually how I keep my side hustle going, part time DJ.'

Admissions Worker · Alexis:Worker: 'Here's my card, in case you have any problems, or you wanna go on a date, or something.' Alexis: 'Okay. Well, I won't be doing any of that, but thank you so much.'

Stevie:Stevie shows David and Patrick her apartment. 'Just so you know, there's nothing in the fridge. Oh, and I marked the booze, so I'll know if you touch it.'

David:David: 'I noticed the line is a couple inches above where the whiskey starts.' David: 'I am stunned by your generosity.'

David · Patrick · Stevie:David asks where exactly Stevie is going. Patrick: 'She already told us, so maybe just say thank you.' David: 'Oh no, I did, I did say thank you multiple times.' Patrick: 'Um, what is the name of the spa?'

Jake · Stevie:Jake arrives to pick up Stevie. 'Hey, pony! Are you ready to go?' Stevie: 'What are you doing? I said I would meet you outside!'

David · Jake:David sees Jake. Jake: 'David. Wow, it's been a while.' David: 'Pony.'

Jake · Patrick:Jake: 'And you are?' Patrick: 'Patrick.' Jake: 'Picking up Stevie.' Patrick: 'Yeah, we're gonna go, so...' Jake: 'So I'm not getting a name, then.'

David:David, addressing Jake's 'date night in the woods' plan: 'Yeah, just galloping around the woods, huh? Yeah, with your pony.'

David · Stevie:David: 'So you offering your apartment had nothing to do with any guilt you felt about harboring a little secret?' Stevie: 'Nope. Just trying to be a good person, so.'

Jake · David · Stevie:Jake: 'Unless you two wanna come?' David: 'Nope! I don't think so.' Jake: 'Come on.' Stevie: 'You do you.'

David · Patrick:Patrick: 'So we're gonna talk about this, right?' David: 'Yep, I'm just gonna grab that bottle of...' Patrick: 'Whiskey?' David: 'Yeah, the whiskey.'

Roland · Johnny:Roland takes Jocelyn's Dorito casserole clue that she's pregnant. Roland: 'Well honey, you don't need a special reason for taco night.' / 'Besides wanting to keep me as your husband? Am I right, Johnny?'

Roland:Jocelyn is about to tell Roland the news, and Roland says 'Oh, hold that thought, honey. Hey, Johnny, Moira, Jocelyn's just about to tell me something exciting, come and join us.'

Johnny · Moira · Roland:Johnny desperately trying NOT to be pulled into the conversation: 'No, no, no. No, in fact I am gonna ask again. And again. And again.' Roland: 'Get over here and sit yourself down!'

Jocelyn · Roland:Jocelyn tries to hint: 'The last time I made that casserole was when I was pregnant with Mutt. And I've really been craving that casserole again.' [Long pause.] Roland: 'Well, that's understandable, honey, I mean, it's a terrific casserole. I'd kill for a casserole right now.'

Johnny · Roland:Johnny: 'Rollie, how are you not getting this?' Then Johnny, unable to contain himself: 'Oh, I need to be a part of this.'

Roland · Twyla · Johnny:Jocelyn: 'I'm pregnant!' [Roland: stunned silence. Waitress Twyla appears.] Roland: 'We're having a baby. Hey, I'm gonna have the bottomless French Onion soup, and maybe you might wanna drop a little calamari on the table.' Johnny: 'John!' Roland: 'Yes! Oh, oh, pregnant?'

Roland · Jocelyn · Twyla:Roland: 'Champagne for everybody, on me!' Jocelyn: 'I can't drink, Rollie.' Roland: 'Oh right, you're driving.' Twyla: '...' Roland: 'Uh, you know what Twyla, actually, let's just do one beer, one beer for me.'

Moira:Moira's toast: 'I can honestly say from the bottom of my heart, that I couldn't be happier that this is happening to you and your family!'

David · Patrick:David and Patrick make a toast to 'privacy' in Stevie's apartment with the marked whiskey bottle visible.

David · Patrick:David processes the Jake/Stevie situation: 'So this is for you. Um... cheers to privacy.' [But then:] 'Sorry, I've just gotta go through that one more time. So you dated Jake and then Stevie dated Jake.'

David · Patrick:David: 'And at one point, you all...' Patrick: 'No, see, that's where you're wrong. We almost all, but I said no.' David: 'Ah.'

David · Patrick:Patrick: 'You're upset about this because you still...' David: 'No! I'm not upset! I-I don't want any of that!' Patrick: 'No...' David: 'It's a principle thing.'

David · Patrick:David: 'And we are getting sidetracked right now. Okay? So... who is feeling sexy?' Patrick: 'Getting there for sure, I just-you know...'

Patrick:Patrick: 'I knew you had a rich dating history, David, I just didn't expect to be graced by the presence of two of your exes tonight.'

David · Patrick:David: 'You know what, we didn't even get into your history...' Patrick: 'Lock it up, David. Lock it up.' David: 'Oh, okay.'

Alexis · Johnny · David:Alexis tells Johnny: 'I think I can find a way to make it work.' David assumes she means the pregnancy. Johnny: 'No, that's not what was happening! I-I thought we were talking about something else.' Alexis: 'What else?'

Moira · Alexis:Moira: 'Oh, he thought you were pregnant.' Alexis: 'What? Ew!'

David · Alexis · Moira:David: 'I'm sorry, I was processing Alexis' situation.' Alexis: 'Oh burn, David.' [Moira, about Stevie:] 'A little past curfew.'

Moira · David · Jocelyn:Moira: 'David, Alexis isn't pregnant.' David: 'Okay, but just picture them as like, tiny little roommates, whose tiny little poops you get to clean up!'

David · Stevie:David: 'Um, that's a hard pass.' Stevie: 'You're gonna be so involved in their lives.' David: 'Mm, your body, your problem.'