Estate Sale

Alexis:David, whose bike is this in the garage?

David:It's a bike.

Alexis:What if he proposes with a pear-shaped opal engagement ring?

David:Why would that be horrifying?

Alexis:Because opals are bad luck, David. And pear-shaped is just... it's not a real shape for an engagement ring.

David:I think you're being a bit dramatic.

Alexis:I'm not being dramatic. I'm being realistic. A pear-shaped opal would be the worst possible combination of choices.

Mutt:I got you something I thought you'd really love.

Alexis:Oh my god, that's so sweet!

Mutt:It's a composting toilet.

Alexis:A composting... toilet. Yes. Of course. Because I'm really into... composting now.

Alexis:Oh my god, this is so fun! I'm having the best time!

Alexis:This is all your fault, David.

Moira:Do you think our belongings got the estate sale treatment?

Johnny:No, worse. They got the yard sale treatment.

Moira:Look at this exquisite collection of pre-loved treasures. Each piece tells a story of refined taste and genteel circumstance.

Moira:Well, I don't concern myself with the opinions of strangers. My taste is simply beyond reproach.

Moira:My Aqua Wellness foot bath has been repurposed as a planter for begonias.

Roland:You know, David, there's only a few people in this world I trust with fashion advice.

David:Well, I appreciate that, but I'm guessing you're not about to say me.

Roland:No, you're right at the top of the list.

David:I think what you're describing is just... shopping.

Roland:You've got a real eye for fashion, David. I mean, you could tell me to wear a garbage bag and I'd probably do it.

David:Please don't.

Roland:No, I'm serious. You're like the only person whose opinion I actually care about.

Alexis:I don't know, I just don't feel like riding a bike today. My hair took forever to curl and I really don't want to mess it up.

Mutt:Alexis, you've been making excuses for weeks. Just get on the bike.

Alexis:Fine, okay, you know what? I can't ride a bike.

Mutt:What do you mean you can't ride a bike?

Alexis:I mean I literally cannot ride a bike. I don't know how.

Jocelyn:I found the most amazing mattress at an estate sale!

Moira:Oh, how wonderful. A mattress previously enjoyed by the deceased.

David:It's a perfectly acceptable choice. The fabric is—

Roland:David.

David:You know what? You're right. I don't know what I was thinking.

Roland:That's quite the outfit you got on there, David.

David:It's a thoughtfully curated ensemble that speaks to both my personal aesthetic and the current fashion zeitgeist. Each piece was selected with intentionality and—

Roland:You look like a funeral director.

David:Yes. Well. That too.

Roland:So I'm Miranda Priestly, right? And Jazzagals is Andy Sachs. And I'm giving her notes on her performance.

Roland:I say, 'That's all.' And she's supposed to leave. But one time she didn't leave, so I had to stay in character and say, 'Why are you still here? Did you not understand my dismissal?'

Roland:And then... well, that's when things got interesting.

David:So you're telling me you've been roleplaying as a... what exactly?

Roland:A wealthy industrialist who's also a part-time magician. Very believable, very sexy.

David:And you do this... where?

Roland:Mostly at the Café Tropical. Sometimes the gas station. Brenda from accounting thinks I'm real.

David:Of course she does.

Alexis:Well, David and I never learned to ride bikes because our parents thought it was too dangerous. So instead, they hired someone to carry us everywhere.

Alexis:Well, most kids don't have lice, but here we are.

Alexis:I'm sorry that I'm not a feral child who learned to ride a bike in the woods or whatever.

Alexis:I can identify a counterfeit handbag from across a room, I know the difference between seventeen types of caviar, and I once got into an exclusive club in Monaco by convincing the bouncer that I was a member of a minor European royal family.

David:That's not a skill, that's just lying.

Alexis:Well, it worked, and they only asked for proof when I tried to leave.

The Peter Pan reference to their lost appearance

Roland:You know, David, you've really got a great sense of fashion. You dress real nice.

David:Thank you, Roland.

Roland:Yeah, I mean, for a guy who dresses like a woman.

David:I'm sorry, what?

Roland:It's like Sophie's Choice, but with blouses.

David:Please stop making Holocaust references while holding up polyester.

Roland:Oh, we've done them all. Sophie's Choice, Breakfast at Tiffany's, Kramer vs. Kramer, Sleepless in Seattle, When Harry Met Sally... We've basically gone through the entire Meg Ryan oeuvre.

David:I'm going to be honest with you... those pants are doing you no favors whatsoever.

Ray:Johnny Rose has won the cufflinks for fifteen dollars.

Ray:Which, I assume, is the entire contents of his bank account.

Johnny:Why are you bidding so aggressively on this mattress?

Moira:Because, Johnny, our current mattress is a petri dish of broken dreams and regret. It's lumpy, it's stained, and I'm fairly certain something died in it. Last night, I woke up with a horsehair in my mouth. A horsehair, Johnny! I don't even want to know where that came from.

Johnny:Are you kidding me? This is absolutely ridiculous. I was willing to pay a fair price for that mattress and you— you swoop in at the last second with some absurd bid? This is— this is the most infuriating thing that's happened to me all week!

Roland:That boy is like a soufflé. You breathe on him the wrong way and he collapses.

Roland:So what do you value most in life, David?

David:Well, Roland, I value integrity, loyalty, and meaningful relationships.

Roland:That's beautiful. Family?

David:No. A good return policy.

Twyla:Oh, do you need help with your bike? Because I assumed it would be David.

Twyla:He taught me to ride a bike by just letting go and yelling, 'You got this!' But mostly he just yelled things like, 'You're doing it wrong!' and 'Why are you like this?'

Roland:We don't want the mattress.

Roland:There's an uncomfortable sexual implication.

Moira:Well, this is hardly Camelot. For starters, I'm not married to a philandering politician with a dopey grin and a concerning back problem.

Moira:Secondly, Jackie Kennedy had impeccable taste in furnishings, whereas I'm apparently sleeping on a mattress that smells distinctly of cheese and broken dreams.

Moira:And third, the Kennedys had considerably more money, more power, and significantly fewer stains of ambiguous origin.

David:I'm not learning to ride a bike. I have a very specific skill set, and it does not include balance-related activities.

Patrick:Come on, it's not that hard. I'll help you.

David:Patrick, I wore a leg brace for three years in high school. Three years. Do you know what that does to a person?

Patrick:I didn't know you wore a leg brace.

David:Well, I did. And I'm not about to relive that trauma on a bicycle.

David:I don't have foot-eye coordination. I have a very weak constitution, and I'm prone to wobbling.

David:I was fitted for leg braces when I was a child.

Moira:Alexis, I need to ask you a serious question.

Alexis:What?

Moira:Have you considered bangs?

Wendy:Wendy the shop assistant: 'Missing Peter Pan? Well, because I see a couple of "Lost Boys."'

Roland · David:Roland: 'this man has a woman's touch.' David: 'I don't... I don't know what that means.'

Wendy:Wendy: 'Is this for a funeral? Because we do offer bereavement discounts.' — about the somber pieces David and John have selected

Roland:Roland: 'Everything in here is like one big, tacky blouse.'

Roland · Wendy:Roland, presented with new blouse options: 'Are they durable?' Wendy: 'Durability a given here at the Blouse Barn.'

David:David on the two blouse options: 'Well, this is a real Sophie's Choice!'

Roland:Roland: 'Hell, we've played every Streep movie.'

David:David (to Wendy): 'Would you describe either of those as "quick release?"'

Wendy:Wendy: 'Funnily enough, both have snaps.' — delivered with complete professionalism

David:David finally blurts: 'Skanky! I think the clothes are a bit skanky.'

John:John ordering: 'We'll take the funereal skirt then, and the skanky blouse.'

Ray:Ray the auctioneer's dig: 'To Johnny Rose, for the price of $15 dollars! Which uh, I hope you can afford. You know, considering your financial situation.'

Moira · John · Jocelyn · Ray:The bidding war between Moira and Jocelyn for the mattress — culminating in Moira bidding against herself twice

Moira:Moira: 'We are currently sleeping on a rectangular collection of knives and barbed wire, John.'

Moira:Moira loses the mattress to Jocelyn for $201 and swears (bleeped)

Moira · Jocelyn:Jocelyn outbids Moira at the last second for $201 — Moira's audible bleep of a swear word

John:John: 'I first noticed it when Heart came on, and nobody was taking the high parts.'

Roland:Roland: 'God, you're like a fancy dinner plate that you don't wanna nudge off the edge of the table.'

David · Roland:David: 'I don't have a lot to my name right now, but I do have one thing.' Roland: 'Self-respect?' David: 'No, taste.'

Roland:Roland: 'If I wasn't so easily swayed by powerful women in a retail environment, I would've been there for you.'

Twyla:Twyla's mom's boyfriend bike-teaching method: 'One foot on the ground, one foot on the pedal, now get the hell outta here!'

Alexis · Mutt:Alexis takes off on the bike before learning to brake — Mutt calls: 'I didn't teach you how to brake yet!'

Twyla:Twyla: 'Get the hell outta here, you dumb broad!' — revealed as another thing her mom's boyfriend used to say

Roland:Roland: 'Well Johnny, I'm about to make you the most popular guy in room 6.' — revealing he has the mattress

Roland:Roland to John: 'I'm about to make you the most popular guy in room 6.'

Roland · John:Roland offers the mattress for $200 — 'That's a dollar less than you paid for it!' John protests

Roland:Roland reveals why they're selling: 'Yeah, not enough bounce for the bumps, if you know what I mean.'

Roland:Roland: 'But given your advanced years, it might just be the thing for you and Moira.'

Moira · John:Moira processing the 'tried it out' revelation: 'And by tried it out, you mean...' John: 'I mean they... tried it out.'

Moira:Moira's horror: 'Eww! Oh God! No! Oh! Oh! Oh God, that's memory foam, John!'

John:John's counterargument: 'Moira, we've stayed at the Kennedy compound. This can't be any worse than that!'

Moira:Moira: 'The Kennedys aren't Roland! The Kennedys have regular medicals, daily laundering!'

John:John: 'This is a $50 dollar gift from heaven. Look, hey! I don't feel any springs, no nails, no bolts! It's comfy, come to bed. Tomorrow we get a mattress cover.'

John:John: 'Who knows who tried that out!' — about the motel mattress they were already sleeping on

Moira · John:Moira giving in: 'Yes, yes, that's the spirit.' — and then immediately regretting getting into bed

Moira · John:Final mattress scene: both sigh with pleasure as they settle in, punctuated by Moira whispering 'Seriously, don't think about it.'

David:David's excuses for not learning to ride: 'you know that I have bad foot-eye coordination, you didn't have to wear corrective leg braces for three months.'

Alexis:Alexis: 'You can't blame everything on having been pigeon-toed, David.'

John:John: 'Oh please don't, you know I can't stand the sight of blood.'

Moira · David:Moira's advice: 'David, it is one foot on the pedal, and one foot on the ground, and then get the hell out of here!' David: 'Okay? I don't know what that means.'

David · Alexis · John · Moira · Stevie:David successfully rides the bike — the whole family (and Stevie) erupting in celebration

Roland · David:Roland: 'Hey, someone get my camera!' David: 'Nobody get a camera!'

Stevie:Stevie takes a photo anyway — camera click sound

Moira · Alexis:Moira waking Alexis: 'Honey, I need to ask you a serious question, has it gotten worse or are you just not wearing any makeup?'