Moira Rose

Moira:I've been gutted! John, I've been stripped of every morsel of pleasure I earned in this life!

Moira:My very soul has been kidnapped. There's no ransom. No one's coming to save me!

Moira:Did you put Kristen with Robin? They don't like each other!

John · Moira:Yes, I bought that as a joke for my son. / You could've photoshopped the deed! And saved the money!

Moira:The Cheaters marathon we watched, it's like that. Children, keep an eye on these bags. Apparently in hell, there's no bellman!

Moira:Please, someone just give me a key, to a door, to a room, any room! I just want a bathtub and a long extension cord, please.

David · Moira · Alexis · John:Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! / Oh, my God. Oh, my God. [family recoiling in disgust]

Moira · John:Where's that weird man? / He's in the bathroom. He won't leave!

Moira · Twyla:I am appalled that my baby girl has turned into a selfish, duplicitous whore! / Oh, hello! / Hi, I'm Twyla. I'll be your waitress today.

Moira:Oh, wonderful anecdote. Could you give us a moment, please?

Moira · Alexis:I think it's unforgivable! / I think that you're just super jealous 'cause I'm getting out of here! / Also, you have a big thing of dandruff on your eyebrow.

Moira:Oh, my God, no! No! No! / What? / My earrings! They were there. They're not there!

Moira:I don't suppose you saw any hobos or crackheads loitering around the hotel today?

Moira:While the rooms were exposed to the world like a Moroccan fair, someone got in here and stole my earrings.

Moira · Stevie:But it was just you here today. / It was. / It was. / I'm assuming you were the only one here on the premises today?

Stevie · Moira:I think I know where you're going with this. / No, I'm simply confirming that you alone were here when the earrings were stolen.

Stevie · Moira:Are you asking me if I stole your earrings? / No, I would never. Please! But I also would certainly never press charges. If my earrings were suddenly to be returned, if they suddenly reappeared, if you gave them back, I would not press charges. I would look the other way.

Moira · David:What just happened? / David, I politely asked that concierge girl if she had stolen my earrings, and she turned ice cold, and now she's on her way to a pawn shop!

Moira · John:The man is a lunatic! / What the hell happened here? / We've been robbed. Right now, some local is pawning my earrings for crank.

John · Moira:Moira, I took your earrings out of here and I put them in my shoe. / For safekeeping. / No! No!

Moira:Alexis, he was never my favorite Stavros. I've hated that guy ever since he asked me to do lines with him at my 60th.

John · David · Moira:David, help me with the doors. / No, I can't. I just got out of the shower. / I need help with the doors. / David, help him with the doors! / Oh, my God! / You help him with the doors! / No! / David, could you help me with the doors? / It's air-drying!

Moira:Pick up a hammer and nail this coffin shut!

John · Moira:Kids, we just came in to say good night and to remind you that we will get through this as a family. / Warmest regards to you both.

Moira:And that will end up on our feet in no time! Of course, by then our feet will be shoeless and filthy and mangled from walking on cigarette butts and broken beer bottles.

Moira · Alexis · David:So, seriously, Alexis, enough about Stavros! / I'm sorry if I am going through something right now! / You're going through something?

John · David · Alexis · Moira:Good night, children. / Good night! / Good night. / Good night. / Let's all pray we don't wake up.

Moira:Is it blood?

David · Moira:There's an Ebenezer Scrooge thing happening right now. / Oh my God, that's who I was thinking of.

Moira:You are blind to reality and for that I am most proud.

Moira · David:our world's evil twin... has reared her ugly... / Okay. I'm taking my journal into the bathroom. Where I will be shutting the door.

Moira:Mr. Rose and I would like to put a for sale sign on this incredible town.

Moira · John:How did you not get the contract signed, John? / Can one thing, just one thing, not be easy in this town?!

John · Moira:Let me explain something about business. / Don't you dare... / It's a dance. And sometimes you lead. and sometimes you follow.

John · Moira:And he thinks he's leading in the dance, but only because I've allowed him to think... / - Are you listening to this? - Hmm?

Moira:I'll shall bathe. And if I bang my head and slip beneath the surface, so be it, Mr. Rose.

John · Jocelyn · Moira:You have a really lovely home. It's really um, understated. / Thank you. I get a lot of my ideas from magazines. / Don't be modest. This is 100 percent you and only you.

Moira · Jocelyn:Yeah. Well, maybe we should hold onto our chalk, hmm? / They're boys! It's cute.

Roland · Moira:Oh, there it is! There it is! The Vivien Blake bitch face! / Excuse me?

Roland · Moira · Roland · John:- Slap me! - I won't. - Slap me like a bitch! - Sign the fucking contract!

Moira · Jocelyn:Jocelyn, thank you for an unforgettable evening. I will be dining out on this for years. / I'll send you the recipes.

Moira · Jocelyn · John:Jocelyn, thank you for an unforgettable evening, I will be dining out on this for years. / I'll send you the recipes. / Yes, Jocelyn, words can't express.

Moira · John:John! Did you know this town was on the market for 20 years before we bought it? / How would I know that? W... why would I know that? I didn't know that.

Moira:This is the dark side of the moon, Johnny. And we'll be here another 20 years, tucked in a crater, lost to all.

Moira:This is the dark side of the moon, Johnny. And we'll be here another 20 years, tucked in a crater, lost to all.

Moira:Moira: 'They dare to call me irrelevant? Shag carpeting, that's irrelevant! L.A. is irrelevant... I am relevant!'

Moira · Johnny:Moira refers to online commenters as 'tormentors' — she means 'commentors'

Moira · Johnny:'Good riddance,' is what they said. / Johnny: 'Oh, who said that, sweetheart?' / Moira: 'I don't know! They're no name commentors.' / Johnny: 'Tormentors.' / Moira: 'Anonymous.' / Johnny: (correcting) ... / Moira: 'Ominous.'

Moira:Moira dismisses what appears to be someone bringing food or something to the room: 'That'll be fine, thank you. I'm afraid I don't have a gratuity right now.'

Moira:Moira describes Alexis and Stavros as 'a couple of doe-eyed lovers aboard a trans-Atlantic airship filled with gas'

Moira:Moira snorts like a pig at Alexis, then explains: 'You date pigs.'

Alexis · Moira:Alexis: 'Okay, I just remembered that being a mother is not your strong suit.' Moira: 'Oh darling, I'm only telling you because it's true!'

Alexis · Moira:Alexis accuses Moira of having 'gobbled down a hundred thousand anti-depressants this morning.' Moira: 'I was hungry! But I could still eat.'

Moira:Moira orders at the diner: 'I would like two apple fritters, sliver of pecan pie, large fries with gravy and bacon!'

Alexis · Moira:Alexis overrides Moira's entire order: 'She will have scrambled egg whites and some steamed spinach, please, thank you.' Moira immediately countermands: 'And some pecan pie! Onion rings, and ice cream!'

Moira:Moira, left alone at the diner: 'Oh wow, I'm really bored.'

Moira:Moira, found at the diner, announces: 'I'm eating egg whites, and hoping the building will collapse.'

Moira:Moira: 'That must have taken such courage to ask me that.'

Moira:Moira: 'We're not here to play, or to have fun! You will work until it hurts!'

Moira:'I see, a class grounded in realism, nice work.' — Moira's response when no hands go up

Moira · Jocelyn:Jocelyn reveals she wrote the anti-drug school play. Moira asks: 'Jocelyn, have you ever been addicted to drugs?' Jocelyn: 'No!' Moira: 'Then write what you know.'

Moira:Moira tells Jocelyn the play should be about 'the quiet suffering of a woman trapped in a relationship with a simpleton'

Moira · Student:The student says she wants 'the marijuana' when Moira asks what she wants — then Moira reframes: 'No, you want to be seen, and heard, and loved!'

Moira:Moira: 'No, you want to be seen, and heard, and loved!' — then her method acting drill escalating into shouting

Moira:Moira escalates her 'What is it you need?' exercise — building to a shouted crescendo that frightens the children

Moira:Moira watching a student's acting: 'Oh, could you be stiffer?!'

Moira:Moira's motivational speech to the children: 'The opportunities will diminish, and the ass will get bigger, oh, you can bet your bottom dollar it will! Especially yours. You're going to have a huge ass.'

Moira:Moira: 'And you, future baldy. Sorry, hairless, homeless!'

Moira:Moira's inspirational conclusion ties in 'cruel Internet people' — clearly venting her own pain about the online comments that started her crisis

Moira · Alexis:Moira describing Alexis as 'our only delinquent' while handing her community service papers

Moira · Alexis · Johnny:Moira does not know Alexis's middle name — her own daughter

Johnny · Moira:Johnny: 'Terrible parents?! We sent them to the best boarding schools, we hired the best nannies... We did everything right.'

Twyla · Johnny · Moira:Twyla: 'I did. It's a little different now. My mom has this thing where half the time she thinks I'm her cousin Angela. And it's getting harder and harder to coordinate visitation times with my dad in prison.'

Johnny · Moira:Moira: 'Right idea, honey, but you know what? It's gotta be more challenging for everybody.' Johnny: 'Her eyes are aqua.'

Alexis · Moira:Alexis reveals Mutt is making out with the mayor's wife, and Moira responds: 'What's-her-face?!'

Moira:Moira: 'And the homeless kid? Mm-hmm. Guys like that will bone anything.'

David · Moira:David: 'Well, not anything.' — implication that Mutt's 'anything' excludes him

Moira:Moira upon seeing Jocelyn enter the diner: 'Politician's neglected wife sleeps with a ranch hand. I love it.'

Jocelyn · Moira · Johnny:Jocelyn's double entendres about her sore back: 'Even the slightest twitch in bed throws it out.' Moira: 'Perhaps a new position would help?'

Jocelyn · Moira · Johnny:Jocelyn: 'And then we see you with your kids and you're so... together. What's your secret?' Moira: 'Listening is so very important.'

Moira:Moira attempts to reveal Alexis's middle name: 'Emma.' / 'No, Hannah.' / 'Elspeth.' — three wrong guesses in increasing desperation

David · Johnny · Moira:David walks in on his parents having sex and screams 'Where's my robe?!'

Moira · David:Moira: 'Do you know how difficult it is for us to share a wall with you two?' — David responds: 'I do now.'

Moira · David · John:John and Moira share a romantic moment; David walks in AGAIN looking for a magazine, triggering: 'Oh my God! Am I being punished for something? David, are you dirty peeping tom?'

David · Moira:David: 'Why don't you guys stay at the cabin for longer?' / Moira: 'I would never just abandon you two in a motel in the middle of nowhere.'

David · Moira:David: 'Didn't you once take the wrong baby home from preschool?' / Moira: 'Alexis looked Chinese as an infant. How many times must I defend myself?'

Johnny · Moira:John and Moira arrive at a beautiful cabin — 'Not bad! Rustic but nice.' — then cut to: the key is not under the mat

Moira · Johnny:Moira initiates a romantic role-play: 'Well hellooooo. Oh, my car broke down and it's raining, and I wondered if I might spend the night.' / Johnny: 'Well, first let's get you out of those... dry clothes and we'll see where the night takes us.'

Moira · Johnny:Moira: 'Roland has gay friends! Again, shocked and delighted.' — misreading the photo of Roland with Bob and Gwen

Johnny · Moira:Johnny: 'They just don't know any better.' — re: why the people in the photo look happy

Moira:Moira (talking head after role-play): 'I can't see out of one eye. But I'm still alive, that's the main thing.'

Bob · Gwen · Johnny · Moira:Bob and Gwen are found sitting in the cabin reading, having watched Johnny and Moira's entire romantic role-play

Johnny · Moira · Bob · Gwen:The Roses being locked inside a cabin that isn't theirs — Bob locks the door to prevent strangers coming in, not realizing the strangers are already inside

Moira:Moira's gracious exit: 'You've been consummate hosts, really. Fantastic day.'

Moira · Johnny:Moira initiates a second role-play — this time Johnny is 'Eddie' the handyman: 'Well, thank you very much, Mrs. Rose. I don't often get compliments when I'm fixing doors.'

Moira · Johnny:Moira: 'Oh, Edward, I'm afraid I must tell you, I shan't be able to pay you today.' / Johnny/Eddie: 'Well, that's okay, Mrs. Rose. Maybe there's um... some other way you can pay me, if you get my drift.'

Johnny · Moira · Stevie · David · Alexis:The phone-chain chaos as Johnny tries to reach Herb Ertlinger through the motel — Stevie patches it through, David has headphones in, Alexis answers and tells him he has the wrong room, the call keeps getting lost

Moira:Moira: 'No, this tastes like something one should not put in their mouth.'

Moira · Johnny:Johnny: 'It's next to a landfill, John.' Moira: 'He said former landfill.'

Herb · Moira:Herb presents his 'Cabernet Merlot petit grenache.' Moira: 'Sounds delightfully busy.'

Moira:Moira: 'Like it? It's fruit wine. What's not to like?' — said after she previously called it something one should not put in one's mouth

Moira:Moira repeatedly trying and failing to deliver the Herb Ertlinger winery ad copy — fumbling 'Herb Ertlinger' into various non-words

Johnny · Moira:Johnny: '"Plummy bouquet"? Is this guy for real?' Moira: 'His turns of phrase leave much to be desired, but the wine is potable.'

Johnny · Moira:Johnny: 'You called it liquid stink this morning.' Moira: 'The whites seem less stinky.'

Johnny · Moira:'Peachafication!' Johnny: 'Who uses a word like "peachafication"?' [beat] 'A moron... would use that.' Moira: 'That moron is the first moron to offer me an acting role in a very long time.'

Moira:Moira: 'I don't want to use the word "comeback," that's... I don't wanna jinx it, but...'

Johnny · Moira:Johnny and Moira picking up trash in their formal wear while Herb's tote bag is inspected — 'But seriously, how cheap ass is that bag?' Moira, ew-ing while putting trash in the bag

Moira:Moira on why she dresses up for community service: 'Naomi Campbell wore Dolce & Gabbana couture to her community service. And just because she was picking up roadkill did not mean that she needed to look like it. And I just always really admired her courage.'

Moira:Moira to Johnny: 'I know, John. You're so good at trying.'

Moira:Moira on camera: 'discover a winery that pours care and craftsmanship into every glace.' [pause] 'Oh, I'm sorry. I wanted to say glass, but I... was thinking case.'

Moira · Director:Moira: 'And if you enjoy flute line as much as—' Director: 'You said "flute line."' Moira: 'Oh. Oh, that is funny.'

Moira · Director:Moira: 'Hello, I'm Moina Rose, and if you Li—' Director: 'Okay, back to ones.' Moira: 'Why? Why?' Director: 'You said "Moina."'

Moira · Director:Director calls action; long pause; calls action again; another long pause — Moira is so in her head she can't start

Moira · Johnny:Moira, locked in the bathroom trailer: 'Oh, I don't know how.' Johnny: 'There's a knob on the door.' Moira: 'No, I mean I don't know how to do this anymore!'

Moira:Johnny asks how Moira opened the bathroom door and she replies: 'I threw a shoe.'

Moira:Moira: 'This wine is aw-ful! Give me another glass.'

Moira:Moira: 'I, I can't feel my tongue. But I know it's there because I'm talking.'

Moira:Moira: 'Did I used to have a drinking problem?' — asked with genuine curiosity

Moira:Moira's final commercial take — delivering the Herb Ertlinger copy with full theatrical commitment, mispronouncing the name every single time in new and creative ways

Johnny · Moira:There's a towel on the back of the door. — No, that one has dirt on it! — That's not dirt. I used it to kill a bug.

Moira:Moira screams in anguish upon learning the towel 'dirt' is bug residue.

Moira:Let's not and say we did.

Johnny · Moira:Could alleviate some of that weight you're carrying around. — So now I'm fat and stressed?

Moira:Or I will strip out of this robe and I will air dry in the street!

Moira · Johnny:Did anyone actually see this pillow come out of this container? — Seriously?! Go. To. Hell!

Moira · Jocelyn:May I see a spa treatment menu? — Oh, well, it's just a salon, so they don't really do all that kind of stuff. But she does give a mean scalp massage. — Really mean?

Johnny · Moira · Ted:Tell me, Ted, are your parents still together? — Uh, no. They divorced when I was in high school. — Oh... alcoholism. — No, I think they just realized that they were better off as friends. — Tsk, tsk. Affair. Poor thing.

Johnny · Moira · Ted:'In the morning!' Very funny, Alexis! Don't even think about it. Ain't gonna happen. — Ted, not on the first date. — Yes, sir.

Johnny · Moira:I wanna say Tanya Harding. — Do you? How about... — Jocelyn! — Oh my God, that's right! Why Jocelyn?

Moira:No, it's a dead possum. Yes, it's a wig, John.

Moira · Johnny:She's coming over. I just told a joke. / You did? (Laughs) You did!

Moira:I'm doing this for Jocelyn because she paid for it, and it was her 'little treat,' and I didn't have the heart to rip it off my head much less torch it. So, now, until I get in the shower, I'm stuck looking like every other inmate in this godforsaken prison.

Johnny · Moira:She's coming over. I just told a joke. — You did? (laughs) You did!

Moira:Of course, as an actress, I can imagine what kind of sad character might... But not necessarily.

Moira · Jocelyn:But if you ever... Ever catch me shopping at the Blouse Barn, you must shoot me in the temple. Promise? — Promise. — My son is hunting right now with your husband, so I... I know you people have guns.

Moira · David:David, I... Need a towel, please. — Is that a new wig? Because... You are reminding me of someone. — Towel, please.

David · Moira:You went to Janine's. — Yes. Jocelyn took me to... — (gasps) Jocelyn! You look like Jocelyn!

Moira:Jocelyn. And what's your excuse?

Moira:Mom screaming 'What?!' from another room in response to being called

Moira:She can be an angry drunk, but we were always close.

Moira:That frigid whore!

Moira:It's a pyramid scheme for desperate housewives and struggling actors!

Moira:As if you could ever sell enough of this crap to get a car.

David · Moira:Well, Kristi Stubbs and her team out of Montreal have sold enough to get the car, so... don't believe everything you read, dear, please.

Moira · David:Burn it! / Except this mascara.

Moira · Johnny:Well, I think you're brave... I think there is something very masculine about the way you're taking control of this situation. / Sweetheart, I'm about to beg for a truck, in order to beg for money, I think you've gotta raise that masculinity bar just... just a little.

Moira:No, it isn't! She didn't finish high school.

Moira:Look at the work she's had done, it's grotesque.

Moira:But if your father's willing to go out there and sell his soul, dear, the least we can do is try to sell this garbage.

Moira:You sell you. You sell you using Allez Vous.

Moira · David:Okay, we're going to have a luncheon. A luncheon? Mm-hmm, a luncheon for our little townie friends.

Moira:System, support, tips, tricks, community, opportunity, tips...

Moira · David:David is setting out some hors d'oeuvres in our adjoining suite — and the suite is covered in Allez Vous products

Moira:Jocelyn, you can hold this lip plumper. / Ronnie, this is a mineral moisturizer, you could keep it on your lap, or sample it.

Moira · David:David, I know you're excited to be part of the fastest growing multilevel marketing community on the continent, but honestly! / There's something wrong with your face.

Moira:With my face? / Well, if any of you do happen to have questions about the products, or how to make up to 600,000 dollars a year, I suppose I'd be willing to share with you what I know.

Moira:Please, eat, drink, to your possible beauty!

Moira · David:And who's interested? / Well, it doesn't look like anybody's really interested. / Get out!

Moira · Jocelyn · Ronnie:Sorry, you're... you're an Allez Vous consultant? / I'm actually an executive area manager. / I'm a district manager. / I'm an executive district manager. / I gave up.

Jocelyn · Moira:In two weeks we had sold everything to the other half of town, and vice versa. / That's... that's funny. / It became a bit incestuous, yeah, very small sales pool.

Moira:And his arms are so weak. Little muscles like corn nuts.

Moira · Johnny:Tell me it's not always this clean in here. No, it's-it's always this clean. Oh... it smells so fresh! Uh... that's the Febreeze. I was... I was eating Indian last night, so...

Moira:So much better than the motel. At least you know what the smell is.

Moira:You take his hands in yours, you look him in the eye, and say, 'no.'

Johnny · Moira:What do you say about a guy you couldn't care less about? Oh, it's Gord what's-his-name's funeral all over again. Who's Gord what's-his-name? Exactly.

Moira:I didn't have a thought in my head, so I just stood up and sang 'Danny Boy.' Not a dry eye in the house.

Moira:Oh... Yeah... That's craftsmanship.

Moira:♪ Oh, Danny boy, ♪ ♪ the pipes, the pipes are calling... ♪

Johnny · Moira:Oh! Ow! Oh my God. We need to go. We need to go! We need to go!

Johnny · Moira:So I'm thinking to myself, 'Oh, God, what if I die here?' Mm. That was not lost on anyone.

Moira:Uh, let's pilfer a few sandwiches and make a gracious French exit.

Moira:Because a podunk baby out of wedlock is not something your father and I can afford to negotiate at this moment.

David · Alexis · Johnny · Moira:David and Alexis tell their parents they need to 'get a life' and feel 'suffocated' — then both parents immediately forget what they came to say.

Moira · Johnny:Well, now I don't remember. / Yeah, I don't remember.

Moira:You know, the more I think about it, the more I wonder whether David's whole sexually adventurous thing was just a phase.

Moira · Johnny:It's not a phase. / Well, you know, he was very influenced... all those haircuts. / It's not a phase, John.

Moira · Johnny:Jonathan and I were just saying, wouldn't it be fun to have the mayor for cocktails and charades tonight! / Yes, tonight.

Moira · Roland:I'm sorry, what kind of event are you hosting this evening? / Event. / Oh, it's more of a soiree.

Moira:So whose pig do we have to slaughter to get an invite?

Moira · Johnny:Regular people are how Rose Video became such a... / Right, ca-careful, Moira. / Regular people! I mean, they made us... / What am I trying to say? / We love regular people. / We love regular people.

Roland · Moira:Moira, I have to ask you. Are those wigs real hair? I just wanna reach out and just touch them... / No, Maureen does not like to be manhandled!

Moira:Moira: 'No, Maureen does not like to be manhandled!' — about her wig, when Jocelyn tries to touch it.

Roland · Moira · Johnny:I don't know if you guys wanna partake in this, because I'm sure your fancy dinner parties didn't have illegal substances. / Illegal substances. / Amateurs. / We had friends in the FDA, but... / When in Rome...

Moira:I've been with these people before. I know them all. / Wow, you've really been getting around town. / No, I was with them in my other life.

Jocelyn · Moira:Jocelyn confesses to Moira that she sometimes wonders 'what if' — her alternatives including 'what if Roland hadn't been such a smooth talker'

Moira:What if I had not been crowned... and moved to the city with my driving instructor? / Awesome. / And what if I had not hand modeled at that microwave trade show?

Moira:What if I didn't ask, 'Who's the eyebrows buying everyone's drinks?'

Moira · Jocelyn:Thank you for playing along. / I'm sorry, I just had... / It was like being in an episode of Couples Therapy.

Jocelyn · Moira:This was all a put-on just to get out of dinner? / Yeah, I thought you were in on it. / Well, you deserve a Daytime Emmy... / Thank you, I think so.

Moira · John:Moira panicking about invisible lice/scabies/bed bugs in the bed while John repeatedly says 'What?'

Moira:Moira: 'John, I can't afford to burn all my clothes.'

Moira:Moira: 'Telephone is also amazing. You just push the buttons and say, Hi, it's me, your deadbeat sister.'

Moira · Dee Dee · John:Moira to Dee Dee finding her outside: 'How did you find me?' Dee Dee: 'Well, where else is there to go? And Johnny may have told me.'

Moira:Moira: 'Thank you, Johnny.'

Moira · Dee Dee:Moira: '$50,000. Does that sound familiar?' Dee Dee: 'Yes. You gave that to me as a down payment...' Moira: 'No, loaned it.'

Moira · Dee Dee:We handed you the money and you said... [long pause] / Thank you? / Ugh. Too late.

John · Moira:Moira: 'It's all I have left, John, literally.' John: 'Swallow it, Moira.' Moira: 'I can't!' John: 'Yes, you can. And then we can buy a case of champagne to wash it down with.'

Dee Dee · Moira:Dee Dee at dinner: 'Well, I hear the pork is very good here. The ribs, the chops, the roast.' Moira: 'Nothing for me, thanks.'

Moira:Moira: 'If you mention pork one more time...'

Dee Dee · Moira:Well, you guys gave me 50 grand, right? / Yes, we gave you 50,000 when we had the money. / But I can't... I can't ask you for $50,000. / Whatever you think is the equivalent amount.

Dee Dee · Moira:Okay, I can do you a little better than that. / [Writes the cheque] / Oh. So unnecessary, Dee Dee, but thank you.

John · Moira:John: 'She missed a zero.' Moira: 'She missed a zero or two.'

Moira:Moira: 'Your sister is a cheap-ass.' — in the dark after lights-out

Alexis · Moira · Johnny:Alexis announces she's going to Chicago with Ted and when Moira asks 'Can I come?' Alexis flatly says 'No.'

Moira:Moira's response to learning about room service: 'Does that mean room service?' then 'Babe!' — her childlike excitement

Moira · Jocelyn:Moira approaches Jocelyn about the fundraiser she didn't know she was running: 'I hope so, 'cause I'd like to be involved.'

Moira:Moira rattles off her non-profit credentials: 'I was on the board of some of the most profitable non-profits, from San Francisco to London.'

Moira:Moira tells Jocelyn: 'Jocelyn, you must stop being intimidated by me. It's unnerving.'

Moira:Moira: 'The Doctors Who Uncleft The Mouths'

Moira · David:Moira demands to know the name of the charity: 'Again, what is the organisation that it's for?' / 'The Doctors Who Uncleft The Mouths.'

Moira:Moira: 'Never heard of it.' — after hearing the charity name (which she just invented)

Moira · David:Moira asks: 'And who are the trustees?' David: 'I don't think they're gonna come.' Moira: 'Oh, how very churlish of them.'

Moira · David · Jocelyn:Moira: 'How much are tickets?' / David: 'Um, free?' / Moira: 'Oh, my God! Do you people know what the word fundraising means?'

Moira:Moira announces: 'David, I'm sorry, but it's coup d'etat time.'

David · Moira:David: 'Why don't you just sit this one out then?' — to Moira, when she threatens to leave

Moira:Moira threatens to leave: 'I see. Clearly you don't need the help of the most prominent philanthropist in the country. No. Fine. I wish you all the best.' / 'No, seriously, I might leave.'

Moira · David:Moira: 'And you are?' — directed at David, her own son, when he challenges her

Moira:Moira: 'No, seriously, I might leave.' — a further ultimatum after already threatening to leave

Johnny · Moira:Johnny slowly walking Moira through the 'fundraiser is actually your birthday party' reveal — Moira says: 'Must you rub it in?'

Johnny · Moira:Johnny finally says plainly: 'The fundraiser isn't real. It's not a real thing.' Moira: 'Oh! You're planning a birthday thing that I'm not supposed to know about.'

Moira:After Moira figures out the birthday party, she adds: 'In a barn?'

Moira:Moira: 'Like your father the day I married him.' — describing the perfect cake

Johnny · Moira:Johnny: 'I think you're overselling it just a bit.' Moira: 'Well, I don't see any stragglers, so shall we go in? I think we're fashionably late enough.' Johnny: 'There's nothing fashionable about this, but...'

Moira:Moira enters the party and asks: 'Where are all the patrons?' — still believing it's the fundraiser

Moira:After the surprise: 'What! There's no fundraiser? You're just here to celebrate me?'

Moira:Moira: 'Oh, never in the history of surprises has one been so delightfully blindsided.'

Moira:Moira tells Johnny: 'I love my party, John. But please don't ever do it again.'

Moira:We're getting out! We're finally getting out!

Johnny · Moira · Roland:Told you I'd sell this town. Didn't I tell you? / Yes. Not to diminish your accomplishment, but you did say that a handful of times. / I think eight, to be exact. / It bears repeating.

Moira:My little suity-cases!

Moira · David:David? Should I take this with me? / If I'm being perfectly honest, it's very low on the totem pole of coats of yours that I like.

Moira:I outbid Richard Branson for it at the Kaminski auction. I did get sick of having hot coffee and blood thrown at me.

Moira:You know who covets this coat? Jocelyn. I could bestow it upon her as a parting gift.

Moira:It would be her first piece of clothing made outside of mainland China.

Jocelyn · Moira:Ding-dong. Moira, hey! / Hi, Jocelyn. / Gosh, you look so glamorous today. / Oh, thank you. Some days it just works.

Moira:Dear God, it feels good to be saying that! [referring to 'we're leaving']

Moira · Jocelyn:It's the coat. / What coat? / The coat you kept going on about that one time. / Are you sure it was me?

Moira:Oh, it's absolutely tragic, Jocelyn, that I will never see or speak to you ever again. But I will have my memories and you will have this incredible coat.

Moira · Jocelyn:So, did you try it on? / What? / The coat. The one I gave you. / Yes. It's great. / Not too snug? / Nope. Buttoned right up. / It zips. / Zips. It zipped right up!

Moira:Well, Jocelyn, there are certain things that are just not done. Smoking in a car with a baby, unless you crack a window, tipping before tax, mixing drinks with cola, and giving away a coat that doesn't belong to you.

Andy · Moira:$975,000! Wow. That's a heck of a lot of cheddar! Don't you think so, sweet cheeks? / 'Sweet cheeks'? / Aren't you the old-fashioned charmer.

Moira:You know, Andy, $975,000 suddenly seems like such a girly number. What are we doing, honey? I mean a million. That's bold, that's sexy.

Johnny · Moira · Roland:Sign on... What's happening? / What? Oh, my God! Andy! Andy! / We had him, we had him. / Okay, put the pen — / Ah! / Sign! He was going to sign. / Andy? / He wanted to sign, Johnny. / That's it, that's it. / Just on the line. / What is happening here? / What? What happened? Oh, no! Andy! What happened? / Circulation, Johnny! Circulation in his hand!

Johnny · Moira:People do come out of comas. / Oh, I'd kill for a good coma right now.

Johnny · Moira · Johnny:She'll be okay. / Where's your brother? / Who? / David.

Moira · Johnny:The frantic bag identification exchange: 'My brown bag!' / 'What brown bag?' / 'You had a room full of brown bags back home, which brown bag?!'

Moira:'David must've taken it, along with my last molecule of hope!'

Moira:'I bet he's pawned it by now, to pay for manicures.'

Moira:'It doesn't... oh towels, great.'

Moira:'I'm still here!' — Moira calling from the bathroom, having heard Stevie's name

Moira:'It's not the first time David's run away, remember all those troubled years in high school, when he'd charter the jet without permission?'

Moira:'If there's one thing David knows, it's the street value of a woman's bag.'

Moira:The revelation that Moira's bag is a family heirloom passed down as 'emergency currency in case we need to leave our husbands in the middle of the night'

Moira · Johnny:Moira: 'You don't have to worry darling, I'll never need it. But you know Alexis will! Yeah, more than once, probably.'

Moira:Moira anthropomorphizes the bag: 'And now John, it's out there, frightened, and alone...'

Jocelyn · Roland · Moira:Jocelyn to Roland: 'Roland, these people have literally hit rock bottom, they're not in the mood for your jokes right now.' — then immediately adds 'She is.' pointing at Moira

Moira:Moira: 'Oh, I haven't lost him, I know exactly where he is. He's enjoying happy hour at the Viceroy without me.'

Moira:Moira to Stevie in the car: 'Stevie dear, now don't take this the wrong way, but, is this car your home?'

Moira:Moira in the car: 'This is exactly what David wants. All of us worried, and driving around in some tin can looking for him. It's a tactic. It's subterfuge. He shouldn't have left me behind, that was never part of the plan.'

David · Johnny · Moira:The family all yelling 'David!' at once; David yelling back 'Stop yelling David! You come here!'

Moira:Moira's worried expression about David voiced as: 'Where's David, or his bags?'

David · Moira:'What if I'm not ready to come home?!' / 'There's a bug on your dress.' / 'Ew!'

Miriam (Amish woman) · Moira:Amish farmer's wife on David: 'We've spent two sleepless nights, wondering what would happen if nobody came. Would we be stuck with him?!'

Moira:Moira: 'Well it seems you've taken very good care of our possessions' — referring to David as a 'possession'

David · Moira:What bag? / You stole my bag, David. / That bag? That bag looks like it hasn't been used in a hundred years, so I put my toiletries in it.

David · Moira:David: 'Did you come for me, or did you come for that bag?' — forcing the family to admit their mixed priorities

Moira:Moira: 'You told me that Diane Sawyer gave you that bag, and that it was fake. I didn't want you taking it.'

Moira:Moira about the missing persons flyer: 'This was before my nose job, how was anyone supposed to recognize me?'

Moira · Johnny:Final scene: Moira teaching Johnny her mother's recipe; he's lost in the steps. 'We've already done that.' / 'What number are we on?' / 'Oh my God!'

Moira:Oh Alexis, you're almost forty, if you want some food, prepare yourself some food!

Moira · David:You got that Teppanyaki table for your bar mitzvah. / That was thrown out after Alexis left her extensions on it, and everything smelled like burnt hair.

John · Moira:John struggling to say he can cook — 'Well, I-I could... I-I could cook.' / 'Oh, John, John! This is embarrassing!'

Moira · John:Moira and John fondly reminiscing about 'Adelina's enchiladas' with enthusiastic 'Mm! Uh huh! Yeah! Mmm!' agreement.

Moira · John · Alexis:Excuse me, but the enchiladas were my mother's recipe. / I don't think so. / Um, that's not how I remember it.

Moira:Listen, a small favour... I require the use of your kitchen.

Moira:It's as if you don't trust David and me to fend for ourselves in your kitchen.

Moira · Jocelyn · Roland:That I can do! I'll be back in ten, to a clean kitchen! / A clean kitchen. / I just cleaned the kitchen!

Moira · David:Fold in the cheese / What does that mean? / What does 'fold in the cheese' mean? / You fold it in. / I understand that, but how?

Moira · David:David, I cannot show you everything. / Okay, well, can you show me one thing?!

Moira:You just... here's what you do: You just fold it in.

Moira · David:You just... here's what you do: You just fold it in. / If you say 'fold in' one more time... / It says, fold it in! / This is your recipe! / You fold in the cheese, then! / Don't you dare! / You fold it in! / David!

David · Moira:Oh good, now I see bubbles. / David! What does burning smell like?!

Moira · David:You smell the room, what do you think? / I-I don't know. / Well, of course you don't, because I have not taught you life's basic skills.

David · Moira:Other than cooking, what basic life skills don't I have? / Oh David, I'm not sure we have time for that.

Moira:I could make a bed, I could fix a wobbly table, or start a car without a key.

Moira:Then I met your father, and suddenly I had people to do everything for me. And I assumed that I would maintain my proficiencies, should I ever, God forbid, need them. But no, I have lost all my skills.

Moira · David:And now I know how it feels to be utterly helpless, like you, and your sister. / I don't know if I'd call us 'helpless.' / No need to make me feel better.

David · Moira:David shows Moira a YouTube tutorial on 'folding' — 'Folding is one of the easiest techniques in the book. It's just a very gentle way of combining two ingredients.' / Well, that's simple enough, any fool could do that. / Did you do that?! / No.

John · Moira:Well, this looks delicious! I see someone decided on a new dish. / Nope, these are the enchiladas.

Moira · David:We had lots of fun making them. / Mm! Let's not ruin a meal by talking about the process!

Moira · David:Although it's really not that complicated, once you fold in the cheese! / Ahh...

Johnny · David · Moira:Well, this could be a very good thing! I think maybe once, or twice a week... — This won't be happening again. — Uh-uh.

Moira · John:Alexis hasn't been here for a week and a half. / I had breakfast with her just yesterday. / That was me. / We had a lengthy conversation about hosiery and menopause. / Again, that was me.

Moira · David:Moira mistakes David for Alexis, claiming she had a lengthy conversation with 'Alexis' about hosiery and menopause

Moira · David:The moth / triple-locked titanium suitcase / cashmere exchange

Moira:Moira hails Twyla twice loudly while Twyla is clearly in the middle of something with other customers

Moira · Twyla:Moira's passive-aggressive 'no big ladies' bruncheon for me' fishing for an invitation

Moira:Moira mocks the Jazzagals' New York trip — 'A bucket of shrimp in Times Square, followed by a Lion King matinee!'

Moira · Twyla:Moira is visibly wrong-footed when Twyla reveals they performed in Central Park at the 'Little Towns, Big Voices' festival

Moira · Twyla:Twyla mistakes Moira for being 'in like, a soap opera' when Moira declares herself a professional vocalist

Moira:Moira hears soap opera mention as a compliment: 'I didn't know you were a fan, thank you!'

Moira:Moira's credits: 'ensemble tracks seven, nine, and thirteen of the original cast recording of Starlight Express'

Moira:Moira's reference to 'anything Andy Webber' — mispronouncing 'Andrew Lloyd Webber' as 'Andy Webber'

Moira:'Or perhaps Jocelyn should speak to me' — Moira's response to being told to audition

Moira:Moira says she's 'not quite off book' when handed a menu

Moira:Moira's passive-aggressive announcement: 'Small minds don't reach for the stars. No more! Not on my watch.'

Moira:Moira describes herself as a 'trained chanteuse' and wonders aloud why a 'competitive vocal group' didn't reach out to her

Moira · Jocelyn:Moira is offended by the word 'audition' — 'In the actual world of entertainment, I'm what's known as offer only'

Moira:Moira's dismissive 'Who hasn't been?' in response to Gwen being in a regional Annie

Moira:Moira interrupts the Jazzagals rehearsal mid-song by spontaneously singing along and then calling 'Bravo! Bravo!' at herself

Moira:Moira's audition framing: 'an audition if you must, or an impromptu performance, or perhaps an evening with...'

Moira · Jocelyn:Moira sits to watch Lena's solo — clearly a polite framing for an uncomfortable wait

Moira:Moira's audition performance — the garbled, improvisational scatting mid-song: 'It's-I-a wah!' and 'dah dah heed a woman's tears' and 'woo doo'

Moira:Moira suddenly decides she has 'a little bug' and wants to reschedule — moments after the Jazzagals say she's up

Moira:'That's the end.' — Moira's flat announcement after the audition

Moira:Moira: 'Thank you. Well, thank you, I'll leave you to discuss.' — exiting with full professional poise

Moira · Johnny:Moira's post-audition debrief: 'There were definitely lots of surprised looks'

Johnny · Moira:Johnny: 'They must've enjoyed it if they asked you to join' — his well-meaning but wrong assumption

Moira · Johnny:Moira breaks into singing in the bedroom, and Johnny attempts to gently interrupt her twice without success

Moira:Moira: 'Look at this poor woman's life strewn across cheap folding tables.'

John · Moira:John: 'They put our stuff right on the lawn. Strangers picking through precious pieces we owned!' — followed by Moira realizing they're doing the exact same thing to this woman

John · Moira:John: 'I wonder who got my golf clubs.' Moira: 'Really, John, that's the first thing that comes to mind?' John: 'They were custom made.'

Moira:Moira: 'So was my Galapagonian tortoise-shell foot bath. And now some lonely hoarder is letting his cats poop in it.'

John · Moira:John's attempt at wisdom: 'Well, they were just things, Moira, just things.' followed by immediately listing his German-engineered car's features

Moira:Moira: 'Shopping used to cheer me up. Big bulbs is not doing it for me.'

Roland · John · Moira:Roland appears uninvited: 'Sure, I'll come in, but just for a second.' — having not been invited at all

Moira:Moira: 'Poor dear, enchanted by a death bed.' — referring to Jocelyn's excitement about a mattress

Jocelyn · John · Moira:Jocelyn: 'It's memory foam! This must've cost a fortune!' / John: 'Well, there you go, what a find.' — then Moira immediately starts plotting to cover it from other bidders

Moira · John · Jocelyn · Ray:The bidding war between Moira and Jocelyn for the mattress — culminating in Moira bidding against herself twice

Moira:Moira: 'We are currently sleeping on a rectangular collection of knives and barbed wire, John.'

Moira:Moira loses the mattress to Jocelyn for $201 and swears (bleeped)

Moira · Jocelyn:Jocelyn outbids Moira at the last second for $201 — Moira's audible bleep of a swear word

Moira · John:Moira processing the 'tried it out' revelation: 'And by tried it out, you mean...' John: 'I mean they... tried it out.'

Moira:Moira's horror: 'Eww! Oh God! No! Oh! Oh! Oh God, that's memory foam, John!'

Moira:Moira: 'The Kennedys aren't Roland! The Kennedys have regular medicals, daily laundering!'

Moira · John:Moira giving in: 'Yes, yes, that's the spirit.' — and then immediately regretting getting into bed

Moira · John:Final mattress scene: both sigh with pleasure as they settle in, punctuated by Moira whispering 'Seriously, don't think about it.'

Moira · David:Moira's advice: 'David, it is one foot on the pedal, and one foot on the ground, and then get the hell out of here!' David: 'Okay? I don't know what that means.'

David · Alexis · John · Moira · Stevie:David successfully rides the bike — the whole family (and Stevie) erupting in celebration

Moira · Alexis:Moira waking Alexis: 'Honey, I need to ask you a serious question, has it gotten worse or are you just not wearing any makeup?'

Moira:I knew this day would come, John! Isolated, impoverished, cut off from all medical services! I only prayed it wouldn't be Alexis.

Johnny · Moira:It's just a cold, Moira. / Oh, it's always just a cold, John, until it's full blown... Typhoid!

Moira:Do you remember Valentina? Our chambermaid in little Martinique? We all thought she had just a cold, until it was too late! I'll never shake the mental image of her frothing and flailing in the water taxi!

Moira · Johnny:We love you, Alexis! Don't we?! / We love you, Alexis.

Moira:John, don't touch her. / This is as far as I go, Alexis. One of us has to stay safe for David.

Johnny · Moira:I'm already in the room. / See, we're still alive, Moira, I think we're gonna be okay. / Of course you are, that's the spirit. I'm just going to close this door until you're done.

Moira:I have to go to this Jazzagals rehearsal, Alexis, so I'll need your word you'll remain stable. We're a long way from any hospitals. You can't be playing fast and loose with those symptoms.

Moira · Alexis:Alexis? — Alexis?! — I'm sleeping!

Moira:Oh, honey! Honey, I need to ask you a serious question. Has it gotten worse, or are you just not wearing any makeup?

Alexis · Moira:I think you have to do it without the tissue. / You're right, okay, put your hand up on the forehead. / Mom! / Oh God!

Moira · Alexis:It's warm! / How warm? / I don't know Alexis, I'm not a nurse! Though I played one once in a lovely little production of 'Harvey,' but she worked in a mental institute.

Moira:I blame those late nights at the barn. Cold air whistling in and out, and you and Mutt not wearing near enough clothing.

Alexis · Moira:Everybody gets sick sometimes. / Speak for yourself!

Moira:I'm sorry, Alexis, I'm sorry I must leave you, but... mummy's gotta fight for her solo.

Moira:Alexis? The woman at the general store said a girl in Elmdale recently contracted avian flu. So I got you a bit of everything.

Moira:No, I-I'm relieved that Alexis has someone with such natural care-giving tendencies.

Moira · Alexis:Had I known your spirits were so high, I might not have spent the last 45 minutes of my life running around buying cold medication. / I didn't ask you to go buy cold medication. / When have you ever bought me cold medication?!

Moira:Exactly, I knew it didn't feel right.

Moira:Oh dear, are we sure this isn't just mono again? What with your symptoms, and your lifestyle? / Mrs. Rose, I don't have mono. / Oh no offense dear, could be others.

Alexis · Moira:Weren't you supposed to be at choir practice? / Rehearsal. Yes. I supposed to be there over an hour ago. / So why aren't you? / Because I kept picturing you diseased and all alone.

Alexis · Moira:That's never stopped you before. / I know! / What the hell is going on, Alexis!

Moira · Alexis:I'm feeling something. Something debilitating! You're the ill one, but I'm... I'm feeling this... This... / Maternal instinct, maybe? / No, that's not it. / No! / Maybe. / No!

Alexis · Moira:Tell me a story. / How about a song? / No! / A story it is.

Moira:There once was a radiant young actress, who dreamed of having two sons. The second of which would be named Alex.

Moira:Now it seems the vivacious daytime Emmy nominee was surprised by how taken she was with this unanticipated daughter. Mostly because she didn't cry as much as the unmannerly son, but also because she was adventurous, carefree, so beautiful. Just like her mother.

Moira:Mostly because she didn't cry as much as the unmannerly son, but also because she was adventurous, carefree, so beautiful. Just like her mother.

Moira:Alexis, you're on my arm. / Alexis, seriously. I can't feel it! I can't-Alexis!

Moira:Go to sleep, dear.

Moira · Ray:Ray, I have always seen you as a sensitive, cultured man of the world. / Thank you. / And I'm sure your family wanted more for you when they immigrated from... / Winnipeg. / Winnipeg?

Moira:Look at the state of this place, it's like we're in a Mumbai-an slum.

Moira:A year ago we had a staff of twenty-five working the grounds of our home, and now we walk by a mattress on the side of the road, without thinking twice about it.

Moira · Johnny:Goldie Hawn quote: 'You are the life you accept for yourself.' — 'Those are Goldie's words. Or something someone said to her in India. Or perhaps she read it.'

Moira · Johnny:'Would it kill someone to plant a few peonies?!' — 'I have a feeling if you want peonies, Moira, you're gonna have to plant them yourself.' — 'These are dark times John, but not that dark.'

Moira · Ray:There is a filthy mattress just lying on the side of the road — 'Oh no, that's Dick Sinson's mattress, he's giving it away.'

Moira · Ray:I have always seen you as a sensitive, cultured, man of the world. You have that striking accent. — [beat] — Winnipeg.

Ray · Moira:'I'm surprised you didn't hear, I talked about it extensively on my podcast.' — 'I don't know how I missed that.'

Roland · Bob · Moira:Bob, just concentrate on the minutes, okay? I can tell right now you're behind. — Okay, typing is not my strong suit. — Ray could type without looking at the keys.

Roland · Bob · Moira:Bob, just concentrate on the minutes, okay? I can tell right now you're behind. Okay, typing is not my strong suit. Ray could type without looking at the keys.

Moira:I am here to address an issue that I believe — Self-respect.

Moira · Councilperson:I am here to address an issue that I believe... Self-respect.

Moira:A baby born in a prison cell does not know that a toilet should not be in the same room as its bed, but we do.

Moira:Okay, picture all of you living in a cave, having never seen the outside world... And then I show up.

Moira · Roland:No, this is not what I'm trying to say. — What are you trying to say? — That we should strive for something that sets us apart from the prison baby.

Roland · Moira:'Yeah well, I was actually just gonna suggest that.' — 'Before you suggested it.'

Moira · Roland:Those boxwood trees? — Oh yes, two sets... — I would lower your expectations. You're lucky if you get some daisies in a planter.

Roland · Moira:Eczema benefit? — Yes, you try enjoying a puff pastry with everyone around you scratching.

David · Alexis · Johnny · Moira:Weren't those here before? — There was literally nothing here. — It was a wasteland. — Weren't there more plants here before? — No, there weren't!

Moira:They'll never see it. Throw it on the long list of things I've done for my children they don't appreciate.

John · Moira:John and Moira bonding over the horror of Roland and Jocelyn having 'a virtual monopoly on this town'

Moira · John:'Looks like it.' / 'Oh well, isn't that wonderful!' / 'Isn't that wonderful!'

Moira:They call this a candidates' breakfast?!

Moira · Twyla:Oh, bless you, dear, but a name tag does not go with this ensemble.

Moira:You're too kind.

Moira:Well, I'm glad you talked me out of the Mohawk.

Moira:I think these people deserve a little glamour in their political campaign.

Moira:I was always impressed by those masquerade key parties at the Sarkosy's.

Moira · David:I am approachable... [beat] Is that a question? / Yes, the question is: I am approachable... [beat] That sounds more like a fact that you're sharing with me.

Moira:Yes! As a strong willed modern woman, with a high school degree, you know how hard we have to work to be taken seriously!

Moira:Exactly! Wait. What are you saying?

Moira:Good afternoon, Jazzagals. I have a great warm-up exercise I'd like to share with you.

Moira:Well, of course, you all do know each other already, but I'd love for you to get to know me. Does anyone have any questions?

Moira:Moira produces a bottle of vodka to break the ice at the choir rehearsal

Grace · Moira · Jazzagals:We don't usually drink until after rehearsal. / Oh. / Unless of course the drinks are free!

Johnny · Moira:How many times do you want me to apologize?! / Well, try one, and let's see what happens.

Moira:So then my Uncle Ralph marries his third wife. / What do you think her name was? / I don't know. / Gayle! The man marries three Gayles!

Moira:So we've scrapped the whole approachable angle, have we?

Moira:It takes a real eye to find something of quality at a clothier in Elmdale.

Moira · Jocelyn:And here I thought you were against this type of campaigning. / Who says this has anything to do with the campaign?

Johnny · Moira · Officer:Hard work, hard work, 'cause you get up, you know, so early, but uh... but we love it. / We do. / You farm in that suit?

Moira:Don't be such a prickly pear.

Moira:Mostly improved, though I must say I didn't like the matchy matchy skirt and blazer! No, she looked like an ageing stewardess from a Latvian airline!

Moira · David:Now will you be a doll, and fetch Mummy a knife? / A knife? / Oh, I'm sorry, I think you'll find one lodged in the middle of my back.

Moira · David:And when you pull it out of my back... / Okay, I'm gonna take a shower. / ...you can plunge it into my heart! / Okay, all right. / Plunge it into my heart! (Sighs)

Moira · David · Stevie:Someone has to find naked pictures of me. / Better you than a stranger in a storm cellar. / Nothing's coming up. / What search words did you use? / Your name and 'nude.' / Three words I thought I'd only have to type if I was held at gunpoint.

David · Johnny · Alexis · Moira:David reveals his employer bought him a car (rental) and Johnny and Moira immediately pivot to 'Thank God we have a car again!' — David's withering 'Um, very unclear on the "we" part of that sentence'

Moira · Johnny:Moira notices a missing button on Johnny's jacket and says 'Oh ew, you poor thing' — treating a minor wardrobe flaw as evidence of genuine destitution

Moira · Stevie:Moira asks Stevie to find her nude photos online because 'I can't type, and I don't care to relive my days as a secretary'

Stevie · Moira:'Okay, there's a bunch of you with O.J. Simpson. And you with Robert Blake. "The top eleven photographs of Moira Rose with future murder suspects."'

Stevie · Moira:Stevie: 'Why were you in a paddle boat with Phil Spector?' Moira: 'And doesn't he look good? That was the one time he let me play with his hair.'

Stevie · Moira:Stevie's reaction when Moira reveals she did 'a series of very tasteful nudes with Richard Avedon in the 70s' — 'This is really not in my job description so...'

Moira · Stevie:Moira: 'What, do you have some kind of childproof lock on this Internet?' Stevie: 'Nope, that would make my job very boring.'

Moira · David:Moira lectures David about washing his face with 'a bar of motel hand soap,' claiming she's always had clean, radiant skin but 'I'm an anomaly'

David · Moira:David insists his pimple is 'just my anxiety clogging up my pores.' Moira: 'And forming zits.'

David · Moira:David is on the floor desperately salvaging something (skincare product implied) and Moira asks 'Wait, you're going to put that on your face after it's been on the floor?' David: 'I don't even wear good socks in here!'

Moira · David:Moira tells David they've 'arrived at an awkward moment in our parent/child relationship.' David: 'I'd argue that moment happens daily.'

Moira:"No, I tried to ask Stevie, but her computer is several years old, and apparently quite prudish."

Moira · David:Moira asks David to search for her nude photos online. David: 'That's a real quick no. Um, you can ask literally anyone else.'

Moira:Moira: 'If someone has to find naked pictures of me, better you than a stranger in a storm cellar!'

Alexis · Moira:Alexis wanders in asking 'What's going on?' and is casually informed: 'There are nude photos of me all over the Internet.' Alexis: 'Um, are you sure you're not thinking of mine?'

Moira:Moira suggests search terms: 'Try "effervescence." No, I'm sorry, "small umbrella." No wait, "Siamese eels."'

Moira:Moira exasperatedly: 'Honestly! Can no one find nude photos of me on the Internet?!'

Moira · Stevie:The 'nude' photo Stevie found is Moira's face from Sunrise Bay photoshopped onto 'what I can only assume is an Indonesian lady boy.' Stevie: 'I thought maybe you just had a tan.'

Stevie · Moira:Stevie: 'I would really rather not dive any deeper.' Moira: 'No, it's not necessary.' Stevie: 'Because I ended up in some really scary, dark places of the Internet that I would rather not revisit.'

Moira:Moira: 'I am suddenly overwhelmed with regret. It's a new feeling for me, and I don't find it at all pleasurable.'

Moira:Moira laments that she should have appreciated her 'firm round mammae and Callipygian ass while I had them.'

Moira:Moira's advice: 'Take a thousand naked pictures of yourself now. You may currently think, "oh, I'm too spooky." Or, "nobody wants to see these tiny boobies."'

Moira · Stevie:Moira: 'But believe me, one day you will look at those photos, with much kinder eyes and say, "dear God, I was a beautiful thing!"' Stevie: 'Will I?'

Moira:Moira's addendum: 'And make sure you submit those photos to the Internet. Otherwise, your own children will go looking for them one day and, tragically, they won't be there.'

Johnny · Moira · David:Johnny insists Alexis gave 'more than a cheap card' while David clearly gave actual money. Moira: 'Both my kids are generous.' David's reaction as he has just given his entire paycheck

Moira · Johnny · Alexis:Moira asks why Johnny is hugging the kids. Johnny's explanations: 'I found my button. / Alexis got a job.' Moira: 'Alexis got a job!' — genuine shock

Moira · Alexis:Moira to Alexis: 'Wow Alexis, look at you! Just starting out on a shiny new future!' — followed by a lingering, slightly horrified silence as she processes

Johnny · Moira:Johnny, reflecting: 'They say it's through our children that we stay young.' Moira: 'But I haven't seen much effort on their part.'

Johnny · Moira:Johnny: 'Why don't you look in my folio? Inside pocket.' Moira finds a photograph and exclaims 'Oh, you dirty dog!'

Moira · Johnny:Moira admires her 1987 photo: 'Oh, I loved those earrings. And that skin. And that hair.' Johnny: 'I'm no Avedon honey, but I would say you still look pretty spectacular.'

Moira:Final line — Moira, having just shared a romantic moment: 'Now how do I get this on the Internet? John!'

Moira:Oh well, who wants an invitation to big soiree when you can be met the very next morning with some table scraps.

Moira · Johnny:Those two are not as simple minded as we thought. He is.

Moira · Johnny:I have four more taxidermy peacocks coming this afternoon. / Oh, I can pay cash for those. That's fine.

Moira · Ronnie:New khakis I see. / Are you enjoying your coffee? / I was.

Moira:If anyone knows how to put a lactose intolerant in the hospital, it's our Jocelyn.

Moira:I'm hoping I might persuade you to put your weight behind me. [beat] Political weight. I now realize 'clout' was the word I was looking for.

Moira · Ronnie:It's a date. / No. No, it's not. I wouldn't call it that. / No, I didn't... I didn't mean... / Uh! Just... / No, I...

Moira:John, wait. I didn't tell you earlier because I didn't want you to back out on me, but you're going to be the only man here this evening.

Johnny · Moira:Moira, I have a feeling not every woman here is a lesbian. / Oh, John, you love to think women are flirting with you.

Moira:I feel really good about this, and I think you just approach these women like you did Paula, our landscaper. Very strong, very forceful.

Moira:All I'm missing is my teleprompter!

Johnny · Moira:Business Association. / Yes, I heard her.

Moira · Johnny:I had a six-and-a-half season career as an actress in television, which I put on hold to devote all my time and energy to raise two million dollars for charity. / And two children. / Oh, yes, and two children.

Moira:Equality. Freedom. Marriage. / These are the rights of every community, and even more specifically... the business community.

Moira:One of my top priorities will be to change people's misguided and ignorant perceptions of women like you. / You did not choose this life! / No, each one of you was born to be an entrepreneur.

Moira:One of my top priorities will be to... to change people's misguided and ignorant perceptions of women like you. You did not choose this life! No, each one of you was born to be an entrepreneur.

Woman at party · Moira:You run your own business? / Household staff, yes.

Moira:and you, Tara, you're very concerned about your inverted nipples. Which I assumed was public domain; there were a lot of you around when she told me.

Moira:I had my first job at the age of ten, sweeping up hair in a beauty salon. I will never forget the value of a hard day's work.

Moira · Johnny:John, we should go. / No, what I mean is that, uh, that I am very comfortable seeing women with other women.

John · Moira:Moira and I have been very, very supportive of the LGBTQ community. Oh, John... John. For... Did I leave out a letter?

Johnny · Moira:Moira and I have been very, very supportive of the LGBTQ community. / Oh, John... John. / For... / Did I leave out a letter?

Moira · John:Thank you so much, Ronnie. I love your friends and I really loved that dip. Oh, the dip was incredible, really, for men and women.

Moira · Ronnie:I love your friends and I really loved that dip. / Oh, the dip was incredible, really, for men and women.

Moira:Moira reading about a woman who painted a Persian rug on her tiled floor: 'A creative solution would be a lobotomy to make one forget they like nice things.'

John · Moira · David · Alexis:'Don't Cry Out Loud' by Melissa Manchester blasting loudly through the motel walls at night, punctuated by frantic banging, screaming, and cross-room arguments between all four Roses.

Moira:Moira, after a sleepless night: 'These bags are like gypsy caravans, packed to the brim!'

John · Moira:John says Moira's eyes look 'like they usually look,' meaning to reassure her. Moira immediately takes it as a confession that her eyes are always puffy.

Moira:Moira: 'In a room this tiny, we've just got to ignore the little irritants of the other, or you'd go insane!'

Moira:Moira lists her own 'irritant' as: 'I drink a little too much tea sometimes.' Full stop. That's it.

John · Moira:John: 'Father tone?' Moira: 'There it is.' John: 'You think I have a father tone?'

Moira:Moira: 'John, I wish you could hear yourself talk. But of course you never do.'

John · Moira:John storms out. Moira calls after him: 'That's another thing, Mr. Rose, you never finish your fights.' John: 'Oh, this one's finished!'

Roland · Moira:Moira: 'I imagine he's at work.' Roland: ''Cause he seemed pretty angry this morning.' Moira: 'I don't know, maybe you need to go home and apologize.'

Roland · Moira:Sorry sweetheart, these walls are pretty thin. — Oh yes, I know.

Moira:Moira's counter: 'You are an inexplicably cocky imbecile! Your marriage is as blighted as this town, and you have no one to blame but yourself!'

Roland · Moira:Immediate post-insult mutual regret: Roland: 'Whoa...' Moira: 'Oh.' Roland: 'Well, hold on.' Moira: 'I went too far.' Roland: 'Yeah... Well, I mean, come on.'

John · Moira:John and Moira reconciliation: 'Yeah well, they don't have what we have.' Moira: 'I can't argue with that.'

Moira:Moira bursts in declaring she's been 'hijacked' before immediately pivoting to asking for tea

Moira · John:'What if there's a more sinister explanation?' / 'Oh, like the wind.'

Moira:Moira's monologue: 'I was wondering if there's someone who's thinking, Oh, this woman may not have many signs, but she has myriad qualities worth voting for. I must stop her!'

John · Moira:'So you think the signs were stolen?' / 'Stolen? Ew! Is that what you think happened?'

Moira:Moira's talking head: 'Someone is imitated enough into thinking that I might be affecting this town's long-established voting patterns.'

Moira:Moira: 'Oh no, you mustn't beat yourself up. You have your own signs to worry about. All two hundred of them.'

Moira:Moira: 'Sing ladies... if you can.'

Moira:Moira's soap opera logic: 'Politics 101, John. When you have limited resources, your best course of action is to create a stir. It's like that episode of Sunrise Bay when I stole my own baby.'

John · Moira:John: 'Moira, Sunrise Bay was a soap opera.' / Moira: 'Yes, and this is reality.'

Moira:Moira: 'No, I'm building a mystery. Voters will draw their own conclusions.'

Moira:Moira: 'Well, then hopefully you've learned something — you shouldn't make accusations you can't substantiate.'

Moira:Moira: 'I'm not listening until you calm down.'

Moira · Jocelyn:Moira reframes Roland's coercion: 'Roland forced constituents to put up signs through coercion? That's what we're talking about, right?' — while nodding to signal Jocelyn to agree

Moira:Moira: 'I don't think it's exactly unethical to do questionable things in the spirit of competition.'

John · Moira:John and Moira reunite: Moira is delighted to be on council. John says 'that's the spirit, positive thinking.' Moira: 'I won! Jocelyn quit the election.'

Moira:Moira: 'Four years? No one said anything about four years.'

Moira · John:Moira: 'And the thought of working with Roland every day. I mean, that's...' / John: 'I wouldn't even think about that.'

Moira:Moira: 'Oh, John. What have I done?'

Moira:Oh, John. What have I done?

Moira · Alexis · John · David:The family pivots from saving to manicures: 'Maybe we could do manicures. I could [get] a manicure. The three of us should go.' / David: 'Wait a minute, just 'cause I do my own nails doesn't mean, you know, I wouldn't go...'

Moira:'I just don't understand what kind of family skinny dips together.'

Roland · Jocelyn · Johnny · Moira:Roland and Jocelyn crash the café with a dinner gift announcement, only to reveal 'we have a coupon.'

Moira · Johnny:Moira assumes John has something 'more grand' planned beyond the sweet anniversary gesture.

Johnny · Moira:Johnny reveals the 'surprise' restaurant — the exact one Roland and Jocelyn just told them about.

Moira:Moira describes the desired anniversary dinner as 'Lady and the Tramp meets 9½ Weeks kind of dinner date.'

Moira:Moira deflects to complimenting Johnny: 'You always could swing a good table at the last minute, John.'

Moira · Johnny · Bev · Don:The Roses run into their old friends Bev and Don at the restaurant — huge, theatrical recognition scene.

Bev · Don · Moira · Johnny:Bev and Don telling the stuffed bison story — 'She's moved it to the front hall!'

Moira · John:Oh, wish we could've been. / Maybe next time.

Roland · Jocelyn · Johnny · Moira:Roland and Jocelyn appear at the same restaurant — 'we just ran into each other.'

Moira · Johnny:Moira describing their home: 'A rustic, ranch style... bungalow... that... It's very nice.' — John adds: 'Very nice, it's got plenty of parking, and a TV in every room.'

Bev · Moira · Johnny:Bev: 'That must be a nightmare to clean!' — Moira: 'Um, Stevie does an adequate job.' — Johnny: 'Stevie's the only staff.'

John · Moira:This olive tapenade is... / Salty, I know! / Is it? I-I thought it was good, but yeah, it's salty.

Moira · Bev:Moira cuts off the awkward staff conversation by commenting on the olive tapenade: 'This olive tapenade is—' — Bev: 'Salty, I know!'

Moira:'Who do you have to kill around here to get another bottle of this undrinkable wine?'

Johnny · Moira · David · Alexis:'Smells like grass in here.' — 'Oh my God!' 'Oh my God!'

Johnny · Moira:Johnny's 'Okay, this is not okay! What are you guys doing here?!' — Moira: 'Shhhh! For once in your life, Shhhh!'

Johnny · Moira · David:Johnny announces 'Tonight we are dancing as a family.' — David: 'What is happening?'

Moira · Johnny:Moira's speech: 'Do you know your father and I hold great affection for the two of you? It may not always be obvious, but—' — Johnny: 'Just say it, Moira!'

Moira · David:David accused of bedazzling a portfolio while dressed as a harlequin

Moira · David · Jake:Moira walks in on David with Jake — her horrified reaction beat as she processes the scene

Moira · David:David: 'Stop acting like a disgruntled pelican!'

Moira · Jake:Moira to Jake: 'If you take half as much care of our son as you do your physique, David should be in very good hands.'

Moira:Moira critiques the audience's appearance: 'If we look to have given up on ourselves, how can we assure our constituents that we haven't given up on them as well?'

Moira:Moira: 'Could we remember please that these are real people, with real problems, people! And while I can't pretend to fully understand them, I can at least attempt to care!'

Moira:Moira advocates for extended daycare by citing a mother whose 'manicurist just applied the wrong color, and must start all over again'

Moira:Moira's pep talk to Johnny: 'You're a good man, John Rose, and good men always win! Not at this exact moment perhaps, you have an olive stain on your tie.'

Moira · David:Hey, hey, David, isn't that your friend? / Oh, I didn't recognize him clothed.

Moira · David:David, is he here to s... / Oh my God, I literally told him to never come back here while you people were home.

Moira · Johnny:Oh God, David, this is so awkward! / What? What's happening?

Moira:The least they could do is offer us a ride!

Moira:Who picked through my cake, and only left the icing? Who eats the icing?! What kind of barnyard were you raised in?

Moira · David:Oh, okay, because in my experience with throuples... / We're not a 'throuple!'

Moira · David:David, lunch today? / No. / Oh, okay. Well, I'll dine alone.

Alexis · David · Moira:See?! / See what? / Alexis seems to think you like me more. / Alexis, don't be ridiculous! This is exactly the kind of paranoia that makes me wary of spending time with you.

Moira:Alexis, I would be absolutely glee-ridden if you would have lunch with me. Today.

Moira:This is exactly the kind of paranoia that makes me wary of spending time with you.

Alexis · Moira:I was sitting right here, and you chose to eat lunch alone. That is simply not true! I didn't see you. At first.

Moira · Ronnie:I would love nothing more than to lunch with you today, but I believe I'm lunching with Alexis. It's kind of a mother daughter thing.

Moira · Ronnie:Once I break the ice with a provocative question or two. / Sure. / And then there's the banter about the food, that always eats up some time, doesn't it? / As long as you don't over think it. / Oh, no. Ronnie!

Moira · Ronnie:If you're still there when we arrive, might we... perhaps push our tables together? / Yeah, perhaps.

Moira · Alexis:When your father comes over, just act like everything's normal. / Is there something not normal about us being here? / It's not normal for your father to be waiting tables at a rural sandwich counter.

Moira:Moira's reaction beat after Johnny tells Alexis she'll get her dressing on the salad like everyone else — a silent Moira smirk/impressed look.

Moira · Alexis:Um, I love having salad for lunch. It's just, it's not heavy. / No, well, a heavy salad might as well be a casserole.

Moira · Alexis:And... uh, your daily exercise routine... / What are you looking at? / It's-well, it's a napkin. / Let me see this. / You had to prepare questions?!

Alexis · Moira:'What's your favorite color?' / Black. / That's one of the questions! It's right after, 'how is your job at the animal hospital?'

Moira:Is it a crime, Alexis, that I had so many queries for you that I wrote them down in anticipation of forgetting them?

Alexis · David (reading) · Moira:'What's your favorite color?' / Black. / That's one of the questions! It's right after, 'how is your job at the animal hospital?'

Moira · Alexis:Bordeaux?! The trip I planned for the two of us? / That was a wine tasting tour, and I was seven years old! / You could've used the spittoon, That's what the other children did.

Moira:Didn't you enjoy the warm glow that Mummy's spotlight cast upon you?

Moira:You could've used the spittoon. That's what the other children did.

Moira · Alexis:What is your favorite season? / Awards.

Moira:What are these sad print-outs?

Moira:Are the police auctioning off crime scene vehicles?

Moira:Does this site have boats?

Moira · Johnny:Is that a spreadsheet? — Yes, yes, it is.

Moira · Johnny:This is not your best pitch, darling. — I haven't even started the pitch, Moira!

Johnny · Moira · Johnny:Okay, you know what?! I'm buying a car! End of story. — Where are you going? — Here.

Moira:sometimes your choices are less suited to a family's needs, and more suited to a pony-tailed Lothario, cruising down the Monte Carlo coast. Or like um, Vin Diesel.

David · Moira · David:Not dressed like that, you can't. — You bought me this dress, David. — I know! And it cost twice as much as the car you wanna buy.

Moira:Yeah, says the moving target in the Bespoke suit.

Moira:to mimic the trappings of a workaday woman. And if you'll notice, David, no cufflinks.

Moira:Well, if I squint, I feel like I'm seeing your rough and rugged country cousin.

Moira · Johnny · Moira:Oh, John, look. It's our car! — Well, Moira, let's not pick the first car we see. — No, before David was born! We bought a car just like this, don't you remember?

Moira:Yes, my poor 'usband, lost his job recently as a tennis pro, yes, at a public resort, that is, yeah.

Moira:It'll be nice to get off the streets, and be indoors for a change, yeah?

Johnny · Moira:Moira... — What?!

Moira:I'm from London, I was one of two identical twins. Tragically, I was snatched from my crib at birth by Russian mobsters.

Car Salesman · Moira · Johnny · Moira · Johnny:And what about the twin? — Well, if you're identical, I thought you'd both be valuable. — Yes, wouldn't you? — She wasn't born yet. — Yep, she wasn't born. — 'Til three minutes later, and the Bratva work very quickly.

Car Salesman · Moira · Car Salesman:That is quite a story. — Isn't it? — Um, excuse me, I... I'll be back in a moment.

Moira · Johnny:I think he's buying it! — You think?

Car Salesman's Wife · Moira:Well, I hope you can forgive me, but... I couldn't help overhear your story. — Oh yes, love, it's an inspiration to many, I'm sure.

Car Salesman's Wife · Moira:'Sunrise Bay!' My wife was addicted to your show! — Well, I find it's wonderful, but we don't have a television, so.

Car Salesman · Moira:Seeing you working so hard, just to shave a few bucks off that Lincoln... — You save that discount for someone who needs it!

Johnny · Moira · Johnny:Um Moira, they're just trying to help us out by giving us a better price. — Well, nonsense, dear, we can certainly pay full freight. — Yes, okay. Dear, look. We really would appreciate any financial assistance.

Moira:Or perhaps we might have to take our business to a dealership that sells brand new cars. As you can see, we can't even afford her meds right now.

David · Moira · David:How much did you pay for this? — David, it's not polite to ask what you paid for something. — It says $7,250 right there.

David · Moira · David · Moira:Well, that's way over budget! — Well, that's not what we paid for it. — Well, what did you pay for it?! — $6,000 quid, love.

Johnny · Moira:And it would've been a lot less, if your mother hadn't talked them back up! — You can't put a price on dignity.

David · Moira · David:Uh, tell that to your outfit. — This is your outfit. — What?!

Moira:It's very big.

Moira:Moira: 'Oh, the poor thing has crippling test anxiety. We all know that.' — delivered as if this is well-documented family lore while immediately asking for the car keys.

Moira · David:Moira asks David to 'drive your mummy to Town Hall' immediately after it's been established he cannot legally drive.

Moira:Moira: 'I don't know why you didn't ask me first, David. I have my license in seven different countries, and I have my F Class.'

David · Moira:David: 'Isn't that for transport trucks?!' / Moira: 'Yes, well, I had a lot of people to move!'

Moira:Moira: 'And wear your best hair perfume.'

Moira:Moira: 'Okay, you try parallel parking in a burka, David. No amount of flirting can get you out of that, trust me!'

Moira · Johnny · Stevie:Moira enters the motel office and immediately launches into complaints about the leaky faucet being audible from 'our bathroom' — while it's technically in David and Alexis's bathroom.

Stevie · Moira · Johnny:Stevie suddenly bursts into tears in the middle of what seemed like a normal motel management conversation, as Moira is mid-complaint about the faucet.

Moira:Moira: 'Allow me to get you a pill. It's going to make you forget every last one of those irrational thoughts for at least two days!'

Moira · Johnny:Moira: 'And if she needs any help at all, please feel free to come by our room.' / Johnny: 'Well, I'll be at work.' / Moira: 'But John will be there, implementing and strategizing.'

Moira:Moira: '(French accent) Courage!'

Moira:Moira: 'We all know, or are, people who live in the motel.'

Council member · Moira:Council member: 'I thought you were against giving town funds to heritage projects. When we wanted to restore the war memorial, you said we should avoid taking sides.'

Moira · Johnny:Moira: 'Stop! I want to remember this moment.' / Johnny: 'What moment?'

Moira:Moira: 'Necessity drives invention, and far be it from me to rob you of your necessity!'

Johnny · Moira:Johnny: 'You didn't get the money, did you?' / Moira: 'Go, John! Before the passion dies again!'

Moira:Moira is revealed to have been in the bathroom the entire time the family was discussing the license photo — she has been fixing the sink.

Johnny · David · Alexis · Moira:Johnny: 'Have you been in there the whole time?!' — Johnny has apparently been in the bathroom fixing the faucet while the family gathered in the room.

Johnny · Moira · David · Alexis:The faucet chaos escalates: Moira reports steam, nobody can turn it off, and someone burns their hand — culminating in Johnny: 'See? No drip.'

Moira · David:Moira asks David if he has safety pins, then immediately pivots to 'your agent called'

David · Moira:'Ginnifer? Or Jennifer with a G?' / 'There's more than one!'

Moira · David:David's email inbox contains 'hot singles in my area' instead of the agent's message

Moira · David:'Attractive and spunky forty-something female.' / 'In my sleep!'

David · Moira:The film is 'The Crows Have Eyes... Two' — a sequel to a film no one has heard of

Moira · David:'It's a sequel, that's good. It must mean the first one was a big success.' / 'I've never heard of it.'

Moira · David:Moira requests a drop cloth, a ring light, and then David suggests propping his phone against books

Moira · Twyla:The other actress for the role: 'they haven't found her yet'

Moira · Jocelyn:'I'm sure you've seen The Crows Have Eyes.' / 'I have never heard of it, but congratulations.'

Moira:'This would be the second in the franchise.'

Moira:Moira's speech about self-belief: 'No deprecatory mocking. One must champion oneself and say, I am ready for this! Otherwise, the pressure could be crippling.'

Moira · David:Moira's counting process: 'Start from five, you leave out the two and the one.' / 'Why?' / 'Because it's my process.'

Moira:Moira performs the crow scene: 'They're watching you, Gareth. The crows have eyes. And you better not look them in it.'

Moira:'And it's not a flock, my dear boy... it's a murder.' / 'Yes, I said murder. Gareth, murder!'

Moira:'This is about crows! It's much more specific!'

David · Moira:'Look, they've taken Clara!' / 'Where are they carrying her to, Clara?' / Are there two Claras?!

Moira:'It's a common name.' — Moira defending two characters named Clara

Moira:'Rarely is the material of quality, the challenge is to lift it off the page.'

Moira:'I'm getting nothing from you. It's like working off a corpse.'

David · Moira:'This is all playing a bit big.' / 'Hmph! Big.' / 'And would that be a note? A note, coming from my son?'

Moira:'Who I carried for almost a full seven months, to an actress who has been short-listed for more than seven major made for television motion pictures?'

Moira:'The script is nothing more than a jumping off point.' — Moira after reading terrible dialogue

Moira · David:Moira attempts to count herself in but David's phone camera beeps and apparently dies before she gets through her count

David · Moira:'You booked it.' — David reading the email to Moira

Moira:'I did not know that. But I've always loved shooting on location, it allows one to focus on the work.'

David · Moira:The film is being released in Bosnia, Croatia, Herzegovina — 'before opening internationally!'

David · Moira:'You have to fly yourself there?' / 'Mmm, that doesn't sound right.'

David · Moira:David: 'You have to fly yourself there?' Moira: 'Mmm, that doesn't sound right.'

David · Moira:'Ooh, accommodation is covered.' / 'Thank God!' / 'You'll be put up with a local family.'

Moira:'You can close the computer.' — Moira's response to the death waiver

Moira:'Shut it! Now.' — Moira's final word on the laptop

Moira:Moira's final decision: 'What if...' (pause) 'Hmm. No, thank you.'

Moira:'While the Bosnian Riviera is a majestic locale, it can't hold a candle to singing... with you wonderful working women here, in our makeshift rehearsal studio.'

Moira:'John and I made David to that song, in Pusitano.'

Moira:Moira sings loudly in another language over the performance — her way of 'offering professional advice'

Moira:Moira mentions she and John used to attend 'Eyes Wide Shut' parties at the Castros'

Moira:Moira: 'Oh, I would be pleased to RSVP as... pending.'

Moira:Scene cut: Moira says 'I would be pleased to RSVP as...' and then cuts to her saying '...pending. Just uh, as soon as I double check, and circle back.'

Moira · Twyla:Moira orders 'BLT please, no bread' when Twyla asks if she's coming to the party

Moira:Moira asks what 'chockablock' means in terms of Friday — stalling with nonsense vocabulary to avoid committing to the party

Twyla · Moira:Twyla: 'I was actually thinking bagel bites.' — after Moira implies she'd bring a touch of celebrity

Moira · Twyla:Moira learning it's a potluck: 'Oh, you most certainly did not' (tell me it was a potluck)

Moira:Moira: 'You'd be shocked at how many celebrities show up to a thing with the promise of a free Wagyu slider.'

Moira · Twyla:Twyla: 'I-I'm not charging anyone, this is just for fun.' Moira: 'Oh, this is worse than I assumed!'

Moira:Moira: 'it seems our mayor is keeping summer hours' — delivered dryly when Jocelyn asks if Roland is still there

Moira · Jocelyn:Moira: 'it's no less than a snowball gathering speed, picking up bodies as it rolls downhill. And that's good? Very good.'

Moira:Moira: 'Be the snowball. Be the snowball!' — repeated as an inspirational send-off

Moira:Moira: 'You are bored, lethargic, and practically dripping with ennui!'

Moira:Moira: 'Is there any other way?' — responding to David's conditions

David · Moira:David: 'Okay, that's a bit much.' / Moira: 'I blame myself.'

Moira:Moira's speech about Roaring Twenties dress: 'don't be a dew-dropper! Throw some concealer under those peepers, make like a swell, and go put on the Ritz!'

Moira:Moira: 'Is there any other way?' — responding to David's '...twice around the room, and then I'm out.'

Moira · David:Moira's phone call during golf practice: 'Rose residence. / You know who this is. / May I ask who's calling?'

Moira:Moira on the phone to David: 'They'll never catch me.' — about being the murderer at Twyla's party

David · Moira:David: 'You know who this is, and you know where I am.' / Moira: 'Did everyone show up?' / David: 'Yes, everybody showed up.' / Moira: 'Good, then my work is done.'

Moira · Johnny · Alexis:The Rose parents discover Alexis didn't actually graduate: 'We were at the graduation!' / 'Yeah, but I wasn't.'

Moira:Moira: 'Oh yeah, it got very repetitive' — referring to sitting through graduation names

Moira · Johnny:Moira: 'No, that was-that was me.' [confusing the spray tan run-in with herself rather than Alexis]

Alexis · Johnny · Moira:The graduation photo turns out to be Jess Chang, not Alexis

Moira:Moira: 'Well, who can tell with all this hair in front of your face?'

Moira:Is that appropriate attire for high school, do you think?

Moira:And you mustn't let anyone push you around, I will not relive that bullying nightmare.

Johnny · David · Moira:She doesn't mean you, Alexis. / Uh, it wasn't that bad. / That's the heartbreaking part, He was so blissfully unaware.

David · Alexis · Johnny · Moira:Okay, I think you're brave. / Well, that's very nice of you to say, David. / Okay, he's being sarcastic! / What?! / Oh. / It's a defense mechanism. From all the bullying.

Moira · Bob:Bob, okay, there's a way to do these things, and I'm the one who's supposed to lead these meetings, all right? / They wanna take over the general store. / Bob! / I'm sorry! / It's just, you know, it's big news.

Moira:Well, that makes our decision easy.

Moira:Oh David, I'm not sure I'm in the mood to hear about another sexual exploit. I'm sorry, who is it this time?

David · Moira:I have actually been thinking about going back to work. / That's wonderful! You've received an offer? / Um, it's more of a plan for an idea of a-a thing that I will be working at.

Moira:Well, that sounds less concrete, but full of promise, I'm sure.

David · Moira:I plan to submit a lease application for the general store. / Ha! Oh! Can you imagine? / Not seizing on this opportunity.

Moira:Especially since the previous business has since gone under. Dare I say, the space might be cursed?

David · Moira:You're the one that's been telling me to get back to work! / I did? / Oh my God!

Moira · David:Moira repeating David's statements back to him as questions: 'All on your own?' / 'You have?' / 'I did?'

Moira:Oh, far be it from me to stand in your way while you roll the dice with your hard-earned savings!

Moira:Oh, what a startling little tannenbaum.

Moira:Sometimes the eyes won't allow the brain to see things at first. Like the cultural and economic benefits... of a seasonally specific store.

Moira:I worry, one worries, you worry, are they too naive, or overly coddled, or emotionally precious to handle the rigor of establishing a business?

David · Moira:Oh hi, how are you? / Very busy. / How am I?! Terrific!

Moira · David:Never on your own, and never without a safety net. / I don't know how many times I have to thank you for the start-up money! But I opened those galleries myself. / And who do you think bought all that art, and sold out all your shows? / Uh, my patrons. / And who do you think bought all your patrons?

Moira:I had a very effective strategy to change everyone's minds, that I ultimately didn't get to use, because Christmas World pulled out.

Moira:Why don't you channel some of that charming self-pity into a business plan, okay?

Moira:If there's anyone in this town who might have the eye to create something truly beautiful, it's you, David. And me, but in this case, you.

Johnny · Alexis · Moira:The cinnamon buns are discovered to have been eaten by the family — they're supposed to be for guests

Moira:Well, I guess it would be wrong to serve the guests day-olds.

Moira:something in a supervisory capacity, perhaps?

Moira:Ooh, receptionist work is not my strong suit, that's more Alexis' bailiwick.

Moira:Then I shall keep watch over this front desk.

Stevie · Moira:Okay, I'll see you after lunch. [Moira alone at the front desk, looking around]

Moira:Okay look at her. But don't really look at her, look at me. Look at her, and look at me. Oh, that's good, that's good, closer. Closer.

Moira:Uh remind me, are you here for a photo series, or travel planning, or our newest service, closet organization?

Moira · Guest:Oh my God, where did you come from? / I said hello twice.

Moira:Well, hello, hello, then.

Moira:My associates will deal with all that when you depart.

Guest · Moira:No, I use it to lay out my clothes. / The chest of drawers should suffice, no? / I like to see all my clothes at once.

Guest · Moira:Are the pillows feather, or foam? / Yes. / Sorry, which one? / I don't care. / I'm sorry? / I don't know! / I'm not entirely versed on the contents of the motel's pillow collection.

Guest · Moira:I was just asking. / And I'm very much looking forward to the moment when that stops!

Guest · Moira:Well! / Enjoy your stay.

Moira · Alexis:You worked so hard on that! / Yeah, which is why it was super upsetting when she said it wasn't good.

Alexis · Moira · Johnny:'poorly written, and under-researched.' / Well, that's just not true! / Well, you have to go back and tell Jocelyn that information was founded on practical experience in the field! / It should've been founded on my research.

Moira:I manned that front desk with the vigor of a wartime radio operator.

Moira:I checked in one whole guest.

Moira:Answered his questions, and believe me, it was a laundry list!

Moira · Johnny:Well dear, if I've learned anything from the theater, it's whatever they say, you cannot take it personally. / Yeah, I'm pretty sure this is not about me.

Moira:And what might this have to do with me?

Moira:Oh, that... fussy little [bleep]! After niggling me with relentless demands!

Moira:But unlike him, I will not hide behind the internet!

Guest · Moira:The drinks out of this machine are very cold. / Oh, good. / Too cold. / When I hold them, they sting my hands. / We'll have to find you some mittens.

Guest · Moira:I'm quite prone to frostbite. / I know you wrote that review.

Moira:My daughter married a man who turned out to be her uncle. / I'm sorry? / The lowlife uncle she believed to have been executed years before by the Indian cartel.

Moira:This is all on my ex-husband's side, I'm good people, and so's my daughter.

Moira · Guest:When the Bangalores finally found Dagger, and gave him what he deserved, they threatened to burn down the motel, and leave my pregnant baby penniless. / This motel?

Moira:When people ask me, why do you work here for nothing? I tell them, this is my flesh and blood! I do this for her! Nothing! She is my everything!

Guest · Moira:Okay, wow, I had no idea. I can take down that review. / Oh, I... / I'll take it down.

Moira · Jocelyn:Well, look at you, Alexis, acing your paper! / Oh, no, no, God no. I gave her a solid C plus.

Jocelyn · Moira:It was a noticeable improvement over the first paper. / Um well, I should hope so! / Well, m-maybe not a noticeable improvement, but um, a different improvement.

Alexis · Moira:Tweeters! / We're going to get lots of disciples, dear.

Moira:Moira refuses to ride four hours with Roland and Lynyrd Skynyrd

David · Moira:David argues parents are supposed to put their children before themselves; Moira invokes airplane safety videos — 'a mother puts her own mask on first'

Moira:Moira refuses a name tag because she won't wear anything with an adhesive backing

Roland · Moira:Roland points out 'the well-dressed one' as Mayor Gavin McCrae — Moira notes he's serving drinks to people; Roland backtracks to 'the other guy over there'

Moira:Moira boasts she once hosted 'the non-televised portion of the People's Choice Awards'

Roland · Moira:Reporter calls Moira 'the linchpin'; Roland immediately inserts himself and says he is 'Moira's boss'

Moira:Moira cuts Roland off mid-sentence during his interview attempt: 'Yes, I'll I'm the ingenue here. A total babe in the political woods.'

Moira · John:The conference crowd chants 'Moira! Moira! Moira!' — Moira shouts over the phone to John that 'the cheering and accolades are drowning out your gentle voice'

Moira · John:Moira on the phone, giddy: 'The cheering and accolades are drowning out your gentle voice.'

Moira:Moira ends the call with 'Goodbye, phone call!'

Moira · Roland · John:Scene cut: Moira is now in bed demanding 'John, shut the blinds' — then 'Johnny, please' — then John is revealed to be Roland

Moira · Roland:Moira screams 'What the fuck are you doing in my room?!' — Roland: 'What are you talking about? This is MY room.'

Moira:Moira: 'Well, what the fuck are you doing in your room?' — her outrage at Roland for being in his own room

Moira · Roland:Moira asks if Roland is naked under the sheets; Roland: 'Honey, what I do in the privacy of my sheets is my own business'

Moira:Moira's repeated 'Oh, God no. No, dear God. Welcome to RAMC. Oh, my God No!' as she processes being in Roland's bed

John · Moira:John confronts Moira: 'When were you gonna tell me about this?' Moira: 'Ah, we talked about it this morning, John! We laughed about it.' John: 'We didn't laugh about it. Because we didn't talk about it.'

John · Moira:John asks what Moira is doing (cutting down on drinking); Moira: 'Unrelated, I assume?' To what? 'To you sleeping with Roland last night.' 'Okay. This joke has played itself out.'

Moira:Moira says she owes an apology 'to you. And to sober people everywhere.'

Moira · John:Moira pours out John's beer as a symbolic gesture of sobriety; John: 'Moira, that's my beer! You don't even drink beer!' Moira: 'It's symbolic, John.'

John · Moira:John announces himself to Moira: 'Don't worry it's only me' — 'Ha ha, very droll, Mr. Rose'

John · Moira:John asks about the hotel amenities with pointed subtext: 'High-pressured water, down pillows?' Moira: 'I'll never know. I had my one chance at a proletarian oasis and I squandered it, passed out in Roland's bed.'

Moira:Moira: 'I had my one chance at a proletarian oasis and I squandered it, passed out on Roland's bed.'

Moira:Moira: 'I will not be tried and condemned by the likes of you two.'

Moira · David:Moira announces Sebastien Raine is coming; David reveals he's his ex

David · Moira:You mean my ex? / When did you date Sebastien Raine?

Moira · David:And you met him through me. / That's nonsense. I met Sebastien Raine at an art opening years ago. / At my gallery.

Moira:I hate to play contrarian, David, but The Times and I, both consider Sebastien Raine a dear friend.

David · Moira:Okay, that's enough news for today. [David starts to leave] Ummm no, what about him?

Moira · David:He's coming here. / When flying me to New York would be a lot easier. And a welcome escape.

Moira:I could cancel, but you just told me you don't care so now I have no choice but to meet him.

Sebastien · Moira:New York misses you, Moira. / You're too kind. / And correct.

Moira:I just ordered you a Sanka-ccino.

Moira:There's something very cathartic about stepping into someone else's world. That's one of the reasons we chose to settle here.

Moira:You got yourself a room? Oh, aren't you lucky! They're usually booked up. You must have used our name.

Sebastien · Moira:Sorry, it's the way the light is catching you. The photo took itself. / Ah, but you had to push the button.

Moira:This is my talk now, shoot later look. So, this visage is off-limits for-for the moment.

Sebastien · Moira:Well, why don't you actually stand over there? / Where? / Further into the field. / Oh... / Yes! / No, into the field. / Further! / Huh? / Yeah, into the field. / Umm? / Yes. Further! / Sebastien, I was... / Let the field reveal itself to you.

Moira:Okay. As long as you can still hear me. I was also thinking Berlin...

David · Moira:So he photographed you today then? / Hm-hm. You know just a few dozen snaps about town... picturettes, really.

David · Moira:Why would you have allowed this to happen? / I don't know he just started shooting and shouting and I did what he told me to do and I 'leaned in' to the moment. / How did that work out for you? / I leaned in! I don't know, David. Why don't you try it... sometime!

Moira:I was up all night evaluating our little project and I've come to the unfortunate conclusion that you may have misrepresented your intentions.

Moira:Oh, I'd love to believe you, but there's a big fat line between charm and bullshit.

Moira:Well, I'm having a hard time landing on surprise or betrayal.

Moira · David:David, I feel terrible that you had to do that just for me. / It wasn't just for you. Let's just say we both won.

David · Alexis · Moira:Okay, how do I know that she didn't give me her lice? [Alexis: You don't have lice.] Nobody here has lice! No, no, you do! You-you have the lice! Ah! Ughhh!

Bob · Roland · Moira:Bob: Who's gonna be the one to tell her? Roland: I'll handle this. Bob: Have I been let go? Should I leave? Roland: No. Bob: I won't make a scene.

Moira:As much as I would love to contribute to the population growth of this town by way of teen pregnancies, I must decline.

Moira:Oh, I've got that playhouse theatre in Pasadena, my titular scholarship with Phoenix, David and Alexis.

Johnny · Moira:About a month ago I heard from the Lucy Albion Studio Theatre in Pasadena. [Moira: I don't know what that is.] It used to be called the Moira Rose... [Moira: No, no! Don't say it!]

Moira:They've stripped the playhouse of my name? Who the fuck is Lucy Albion?!

Moira · Johnny:And when were you planning on telling me this, John?! [Johnny: Well Moira, it's not like you have overreacted to bad news in the past. I just thought it might sit better with you once you'd heard about the garden.]

Moira · Johnny:No, I just told you about the garden. [Johnny: Uh-huh.] John, did you ask Roland and Bob to name a garden after me?

Moira:Oh, I won't be pitied, John! Or fed your pacifying pablum like some kind of... soft-headed infant!

Johnny · Moira:Well, Alexis has lice. [Moira: What?! Ewwww! I assume you shaved her head! And we have to put a wig on her. But not one of my wigs! These have to be boxed now!]

Moira:Yes, it can be very exciting when the tribute matches the contribution. My name graced a theatre, a country club ladies' locker room, a roadway.

Moira:Technically it was referred to as Evacuation Route 14, but those of us in the know affectionately called it... 'Moira Rose Boulevard.'

Johnny · Moira · David:Okay, enough, enough. This is still a very big honor for your mother. Is it not? / Mhm... / Yes? / Mhm.

Alexis · Moira · Johnny:Alexis reveals she wasn't in the portrait because she was 'in rehab' — then Moira corrects: 'visiting Stavros,' then Johnny reveals her face was painted onto the assistant's body

David · Moira:David can't tell if the room is very small or the portrait is very big — 'I think it's quite possible that both are true'

David · Moira · Johnny:David's business-speak slip: 'It's always better to go under... Go under? David, if the business is foundering—'

Moira:Moira calls the soft launch 'a modest little vigil you're hosting'

Moira:Moira: 'Rarely has that been a recipe for success' — responding to David saying 'the smaller the better'

Johnny · Moira:Johnny and Moira call out 'We love you! Keep reaching, son!' as David leaves in exasperation

Moira · David:Moira: 'I have really underestimated you... Who knew you had so many friends. Or family members, for that matter.'

Moira · Johnny:Johnny and Moira visit the store and are genuinely moved: Moira says 'I would shop here, John. Even without a nagging sense of obligation.'

Moira · Johnny:Moira and Johnny's ultra-vague cedar dragon tea discussion: 'I don't know. I mean, it's nice but... I think you should probably get it or not, whatever'

Ted · Alexis · Moira · Johnny:Ted mentions 'the big news' and Alexis panics, starts to explain 'the hug' — Ted clarifies he meant exam results

Moira:Moira's garbled recovery: 'I had nothing but doubts... No doubts. That you could do this.'

Moira:Moira's verdict on the portrait: 'It doesn't fit, John. And I don't just mean literally.'

Johnny · Moira:Johnny: 'Were we really that happy back then?' Moira: 'Yes.' Johnny: 'We were.' Moira: 'Oh, deliriously happy.' Johnny: 'I miss that beach house.'

Johnny · Moira:The portrait finds its way to the motel front desk; Johnny: 'I wonder what else the Van Housens took from us.'

Alexis · Moira:Alexis misinterprets 'I have a favour' as Moira offering to do something for her

Moira:Moira: 'We're all pitching in these days, dear. Like communists or non-union actors.'

Alexis · Moira · David:Alexis reveals her high school graduation is this Friday and she didn't tell her family because she doesn't want them to come

David · Moira · Johnny:The family's awkward, unconvincing attempt to claim they 'didn't forget' David's birthday — Moira says they've been 'talking about it for weeks,' David corrects it to 'you've been talking about it for weeks'

Moira:Moira, after David and Alexis both tell the parents not to come to graduation: 'They can't say we didn't try.'

David · Moira:David reacts with 'Ugh' and 'Woof... David' — reaction beat as David presumably sees himself in graduation attire or in a mirror

Moira:Moira immediately volunteers that she and Johnny won't be attending graduation — before anyone has asked — using Alexis's own browbeating as cover

Moira:Moira: 'No, Alexis has veritably browbeaten us not to attend. I wouldn't be surprised if she skips the whole affair herself. Waggish little nymph, that she is.'

Moira:Moira: 'I'd advise against the mortarboard. It'll flatten the hair and pull focus away from that beautiful face.'

Moira:Moira: 'Hm. But by not wearing one, you'll stand out. And by the fact that you're a good ten years older than everyone else.'

Moira:Moira: 'You know, it isn't easy. Especially at your age.'

Alexis · Moira:The entire exchange where Alexis uninvites, then re-invites, then un-invites her mother to the graduation as Moira plays innocent

Moira · Jazzagals:The grad night performance reveal — the Jazzagals perform 'Baby I'm Yours' for the graduating class

Johnny · Moira · David · Alexis:The family attempts 'For He's a Jolly Good Fellow' — with escalating pronoun chaos: 'For she's a jolly good fellow' / 'For they're two jolly good fellows' / 'For graduating today AND being born today'

Johnny · Moira:The birthday cake reads 'Happy day Alex and Davis'

Johnny · Moira:Johnny announces 'Kids, it's garbage day,' and Moira immediately replies 'Oh good, ours is full.'

Johnny · Moira:Johnny holds up a pregnancy test and Moira says 'Why are you waving a thermometer in my face?' Johnny: 'It's a pregnancy test.' Moira: 'Ewww! What?!'

Johnny · Moira:Johnny and Moira's brief exchange: 'Where'd Alexis go?' / 'She went for a run, apparently there are some really big changes happening in her life right now.' / 'Yeah, I should say so.'

Johnny · Moira:Johnny: 'Well, it's a smiley face, so I'm assuming it's a positive result.' Moira: 'Well, that's presumptuous.'

Moira · Johnny:Moira: 'Are we 100% sure it's hers?' Johnny: 'Well, this test is 100% sure it's someone's!'

Moira · David:Moira: 'Someone needs to talk to her!' David: 'Well, don't look at me, I'm pretty sure she already knows it's a mistake!'

Moira:Moira: 'Yes, I'll tell her she has no right to lay this financial and psychological burden on us!'

Moira:Moira: 'Now she has to move into one of those homes for unwed mothers!' / 'Oh, I'm sure there are plenty of them on this side of the tracks. Let the nuns take care of the little stranger!'

Moira:Moira: 'Aaaah! I always knew this would happen!'

Johnny · Moira:Johnny confessional: 'Okay, I just think I'm in a state of shock right now, you know, the news was very numbing, and I'm feeling very alone.' [Cut to Moira sitting beside him, visibly present.]

Johnny · Moira:Johnny: 'Imagine how Alexis must feel.' Moira: 'Yeah, I haven't spoken to her.'

Moira · Jocelyn:Moira visits Jocelyn and discovers her own sunglasses are on top of her head when asked if she'd seen them.

Moira · Jocelyn:Moira: 'We're in the midst of a family crisis, if you must know!' Jocelyn: 'Well, I don't wanna pry, so...' Moira: 'Well, you've cracked me open.'

Moira:Moira: 'And to think when I awoke, my biggest concern was how to make that ragtime medley of yours work.'

Moira:Moira: 'Oh, she has no idea of the toll a baby can take on its mother, or its mother's mother.'

Moira · Jocelyn:Jocelyn reveals she is the one who is pregnant. Moira: 'If only.' [Then immediately switches to: 'Oh Jocelyn, oh Jocelyn! Oh, what a wonderful surprise for us all!']

Jocelyn · Moira:Jocelyn: 'I thought it was menopause that was making me late, and giving me the cravings, and morning sickness.' Moira: 'I wouldn't know.'

Jocelyn · Moira:Jocelyn: 'Listen, can you do me a favour, and just keep this between the two of us, because Roland doesn't know yet.' Moira: 'Oh! Oh Jocelyn, Roland's not the father?'

Moira:Moira: 'Don't wait, best to rip it off like a band aid.' / 'Miracles don't take reservations.'

Moira:Moira: 'Alexis isn't the one who's pregnant. Someone else is, but don't press me for details, because I've been sworn to secrecy.' [Half-second pause.] 'It's Jocelyn!'

Moira · Johnny:Moira: 'But you're not supposed to know. She hasn't told Roland yet.' Johnny: 'Jocelyn!' Moira: 'Huh?' [Johnny points at the window/outside where Roland might be.] Moira: 'She was appropriately gobsmacked herself.'

Moira · Johnny:Moira: 'I am entirely relieved. Yeah, that it's not Alexis!' Johnny: 'But save that spreadsheet, John, and you might want to add a line item for prophylactics.'

Johnny · Moira · Roland:Johnny desperately trying NOT to be pulled into the conversation: 'No, no, no. No, in fact I am gonna ask again. And again. And again.' Roland: 'Get over here and sit yourself down!'

Moira:Moira's toast: 'I can honestly say from the bottom of my heart, that I couldn't be happier that this is happening to you and your family!'

Moira · Alexis:Moira: 'Oh, he thought you were pregnant.' Alexis: 'What? Ew!'

David · Alexis · Moira:David: 'I'm sorry, I was processing Alexis' situation.' Alexis: 'Oh burn, David.' [Moira, about Stevie:] 'A little past curfew.'

Moira · David · Jocelyn:Moira: 'David, Alexis isn't pregnant.' David: 'Okay, but just picture them as like, tiny little roommates, whose tiny little poops you get to clean up!'

Moira:Moira explains she had to be both puppet and puppeteer in her ventriloquist act with Eva Longoria for a juvenile rhinoplasty benefit called 'Everybody Nose'

Moira:I had to be both puppet, and puppeteer.

Moira:Moira considers performing 'Shoes, Glorious Shoes, the Imelda Marcos Story'

Moira:'Two Heads are Better' — the one-woman Siamese twin play

Moira:The Foxwood Casino Gazette did say it was a performance they'd never seen before.

Moira:'One Crazy Summer, The Patty Hearst Story' — described as 'a tale of perseverance, much like your quest to bring asbestos back to the town'

Moira:Moira asks: 'does "TV's Moira Rose" send a different message than "television's Moira Rose?"' — then says 'Something to think about?' twice when Jocelyn doesn't respond

Moira · David:David discovers Moira in his room wanting to rehearse, and she says 'at this very moment it's 1974, and this room is a San Franciscan bank'

David · Moira:David recalls the original Patty show: 'Well, didn't it have an ensemble cast of 30?' / 'Uh huh, and what was your father's review? 29 dead weights!'

Moira:Moira once stepped in for 'Patricia Lupone' who 'ate that pre-show shwarma' — and Moira has 'always wanted to reprise the role'

Moira:Moira: 'Skip Fosse once told me that when it comes to choreo, always leave some room for spontaneity.'

Moira · David:Moira graciously offers to let David 'spot' her, then when David says he has to go to work, says 'Oh, then go to work!' — then immediately demands he say 'break a leg' before he can leave

Moira:Moira: 'Okay, here. Ahem! We're going to ease in... with a machine gun ballet.'

Moira:Moira rehearsing in David's room: 'Stick 'em up. It's a hold up. ♪ Nobody move but me-me-me-me! ♪'

Jocelyn · Moira:Jocelyn arrives with a real hunting rifle for Moira's 'machine gun ballet'

Moira:Moira: 'Um, it was a machine gun. So I need a machine gun for the machine gun ballet!'

Moira:Oh, Jocelyn. Jocelyn, why? Why, why, why, would you do that?

Jocelyn · Moira:Jocelyn: 'Somebody's got cold feet.' Moira: 'Ha ha. Blocks of ice. Mhmm.'

Moira:Moira: 'Was I to perceive something encouraging within that... little anecdote?'

Moira:Moira rehearsing alone: losing count during dance steps — 'Nine, ten-nine... Nine, ten, eleven, twelve!'

David · Moira:David finds Moira in his bed — 'Ew! What are you doing in my bed?'

Moira · David:Moira: 'I couldn't possibly make it all the way to my own bed.' / David: 'Was it the footwork?' / Moira: 'Oh, it was the footwork. It was the score, it was the book, it was all of that, David.'

Moira:Moira: 'There is an elephant in the room David, and he's whispering, "retire!"'

David · Moira:David offers to do 'the number' with Moira — Moira: 'I thought you used to hate it when I'd trot you out in front of my friends?' David: 'I still do, it's just that I'm finding this situation incredibly disturbing, and I will eventually need my bed back.'

Moira · David:Moira: 'And do you think we still have it?' David: [pause] 'I'll go plug in my hair straightener.'

Moira · David:Do you think people would find it strange, or even inappropriate? — Probably.

Moira:Moira: 'I hope you're not wearing your shoes.'

Moira:Moira's performance opening: 'Oh, I wonder who that could be! It's television's Moira Rose!'

Moira:Moira's asbestos awareness monologue woven into a Christmas number: 'nothing is colder than the chill I get when I think of the dangers of asbestos poisoning'

Moira · David:The duet begins: a Christmas medley mashup of multiple carols sung simultaneously, with David and Moira singing different songs at the same time

Moira:♪ On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, the keys to a Lamborghini ♪

Moira:Moira ad-libs into the carol medley: 'Yes, I said faithful, which rules out all of you!'

Moira:He seemed quite taken with an older woman, so I thought best not to intrude.

Moira:They were canoodling in the banquette for all to see, so I'd be rather concerned if that were his mother, David.

Moira:No, no braid. Uh, looked more like thick, healthy hair woven together loosely.

Alexis · David · Moira:I can't believe he's still dating Heather. / I know, it's crazy. / I believe that was her name, Heather.

Moira:Oh. I... I did call that other woman charming, didn't I?

Moira:Well to my credit, she was.

Moira:Always the little philanthrope.

Moira:Moira calls Heather 'Harriet' — getting the name wrong despite having established it earlier

Moira · Twyla:Always the closed book, our Alexis. Bless her soul. / I've always found her to be pretty open about things. / A closed book that falls open the second you take it off the shelf.

Moira · Twyla:That's enough gossip for today, Twyla. No, I'm not comfortable discussing the intimate details of Alexis' private life, with her not present. / Oh, I wasn't gossiping, it was just that you brought it up.

Moira:Gossip is the devil's telephone. Best to just hang up.

Moira:Oh you remind me of my days at the old Mudd Club on the Lower East Side. I remember one regrettably early morning with Johnny Thunders.

Alexis · Moira:Okay, can we help you with something? / Oh, I'm sorry, can't a mother show a little interest in her only daughter's social calendar?

Moira:They don't allow you to drink and drive anymore.

Moira:Oh dear, I have the night to myself, and I would like nothing better than to find a new man for Twyla.

Moira · Twyla:I see before me, a beautiful young woman in her prime, who deserves every happiness. / Mrs. Rose, that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.

Moira · Twyla:Moira's compliment lands on Twyla: 'Mrs. Rose, that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.' — but Moira was talking about Twyla the whole time without knowing Twyla thought she meant herself

Moira:And I mean every word of it.

Moira:If, and when, you meet someone who catches your eye, hold his gaze. Then walk up behind him, trace a single finger down his back. And if he follows you into a dark corner of the bar, it's meant to be.

Moira · Alexis:John Cougar... / No. / Mellencamp. / But guess who drove me home that night? / Mr. Rose. / Yes, you're right.

Moira · Alexis:And that car ride was better than any dark corner dalliance with JCM. / Ew.

Moira · Alexis:Alexis! You're wrinkled in the back. / Ooh? What? / Confidence, girls!

Alexis · Moira:Hey. You were in the bar? How did I not see you? / I... I wanted to wait for you, but I got bored in the car.

Moira:Bored, so I found a lovely little speakeasy at the back of the club.

Moira · Alexis:Well, I... I didn't want to say this in front of Twyla but... there was a reason I drew Mr. Cougar Mellencamp into that dark corner of the bar instead of your father. / I don't need to know how this story ends, so...

Moira:there was a reason I drew Mr. Cougar Mellencamp into that dark corner of the bar instead of your father. / Your father was with someone at the time.

Alexis · Moira:I'm driving? / That's a good idea!

Moira · John:Moira receives flowers and assumes they're a romantic gesture from John — 'Oh, John, I do love how you keep the magic alive.' They're actually sympathy flowers because the internet thinks she's dead.

David · Moira:David bursts in panicked: 'The internet says you're dead.' Moira's first response: 'What photo are they using?'

Moira · David:John asks what photo they're using. Answer: 'Primarily a headshot from the 90s — so fresh, and young, and permed.'

Twyla · Moira:Twyla delivers more gifts to Moira: 'I'm assuming you're not dead?' — then Moira immediately pivots to outrage about pink carnations.

Roland · John · Moira:Roland physically embraces John in tearful grief over Moira's death — 'Let it out' — before being told she's alive and standing right there.

Moira:Moira enters the café dramatically: 'Fear not. She hath risen!'

Moira:Moira, upon hearing she's called 'the unsung hero of afternoon television': 'Oh, they're singing my praises now.'

Moira · Jocelyn · Roland:Moira, while alive and in the room, asks the group to speculate what they would say about her if she were actually dead: 'But theoretically, what do we think we'd be saying right now?'

Moira · Stevie:Stevie tells Moira there's a reporter outside. Moira: 'Is there a scrum? How many camera crews?' Stevie: 'I think just one. Unless they all used the same van.'

Moira:Moira's outrage about how her resurrection should break: 'This is not how I imagined my resurrection news to break! Impeccably dressed woman wanders out of Podunk motel.'

Moira:It would kill Sir Tony Geary.

Moira:Moira describes the cult leader: 'A charismatic leader, 40 something, very sexual, had very long hair, longer than you'd expect, but it worked.'

Moira · Stevie:Stevie suggests telling the truth. Moira: 'Truth serum. Oh Stevie, yes, those stories are always successful.' Stevie: 'No, I meant the actual truth.'

Moira:Moira emerges for the press and immediately delivers rehearsed media-speak: 'I've always had great affection for the press, and my fans. My fans, and the press, so thank you.'

Stevie · Moira:The press van has left. Stevie: 'Yeah, apparently there was another celebrity death.' Moira: 'Oh, I'm sorry. Who passed?' Stevie: '...you know that YouTube video of the giraffe and the kitten who are best friends? Well the giraffe stepped on the kitten.'

Moira:Moira's response to hearing the giraffe stepped on the kitten: 'Well, of course he did.'

Moira:Well, of course he did.

Moira · Stevie:Stevie: 'I mean if I died, I'd be lucky if 1 person had something nice to say.' Moira: 'Oh, Stevie. Stevie, you have years ahead of you still to collect a cartage of adoring mourners.'

Stevie · Moira:Yeah, well I mean, it's pretty amazing to see how many people care about you. / Yeah. / I mean if I died, I'd be lucky if 1 person had something nice to say.

Moira:Moira's dark life wisdom: 'In the meantime, they will laugh in your face, and they'll stab you in the back, but the moment you give up the ghost, oh they'll all have nothing but nice things to say about you.'

Moira:Moira: 'I know I will.' — promising to say nice things about Stevie after she dies.

Moira:Moira declares: 'I, for one, am through with trying to impress people.' — then immediately notes: 'I like the outfit you chose.' (referring to Stevie's clothing selection for her)

John · Moira:David and family react to news of Moira being alive again: 'Well, looks like we're back, sweetheart!' / 'Well, it was fun while it lasted.'

Moira · John:John suggests returning the condolence gifts. Moira: 'John, they're perishable. And excuse me, but this is the first time we've heard from most of these people. These gifts are long overdue.'

Moira:Who put a picture of a ghost on my desk?

Moira:Roland, why should I be the only one encumbered with this emotional cargo?

Moira · Ronnie:Oh, Ronnie, Ronnie, might you and I confabulate for a moment in the back room? No, Moira, I'm not falling for that one.

Moira · Ronnie:Moira successfully lures Ronnie to the back room by claiming it's 'a salacious bit of Council-related news' — cut to Ronnie being told the baby secret.

Jocelyn · Moira:Salem, Massachusetts, actually. / Yeah, his great-great-great great-grandmother accurately guessed the sex of her daughter's baby, and then was put on trial for witchcraft, so, you would see why. / Toil and trouble.

Jocelyn · Moira:I mean, you must just wanna shout out 'it's a boy!' Or, 'it's a girl!' / Is it a girl? / Valiant attempt, Jocelyn.

Moira:Veronica! / She just have forgotten her handbag. / I'm sorry, you were talking about something?

Moira:Attention everyone, after much, much discussion, and a brief seance, Roland and I have decided...

Moira · Jocelyn · Roland:It's a girl. / Tammy! / Or a boy. / Huh? / Perhaps it's a boy. / Wait, which one is it?

Moira:All of a sudden, expected attention has me doubting what I saw. I barely glanced at that paper.

Moira:No. No, I very clearly remember, an M and an F. Just can't recall which one was circled.

Moira:It's your fault! / You told me to keep it a secret, and that's exactly what I did, even from myself.

Moira · David:Oh dear, you're awfully brave allowing your beau to indulge himself like this. / Okay, this was not my idea.

Roland · Jocelyn · Moira:Moira? Oh, you two, I told you I don't know. But we do. We called the doctor. You did? Lovely. Don't you wanna know what it is? I'll give you three guesses.

Roland · Moira:Moira, we're having a boy. / A boy, I believe I told you that. / How wonderful!

Moira:My boy right now is being serenaded by his butter-voiced beau.

Stevie · Moira:Why isn't it just Rose Motel? / The Rosebud makes it a sad stunted thing.

Johnny · Moira:Yeah, except it's Budd, with two d's, but... / Okay, well that would just look insane.

Moira · Johnny:But then Alexis informed us that this is the longest relationship you've ever had! Four whole months, David.

David · Moira · Johnny:I had a very intimate connection with Tony, for several years. / She was your pen pal, David. / She was in a penitentiary, dear.

Moira · Johnny · David:Is he pulling back? / Has he asked you about an open relationship? / Not yet.

Moira · Johnny:Perhaps it's this nay-saying reticence that caused your past relationships to... / Fall apart. / ...oxidize.

Moira:Oh yeah, it's soft. [after David storms out]

Moira:David, someone's ears must be a-flame.

Moira:And what if we could finally tie a sailor's knot in that string of bad luck?

David · Moira:We're not doing Pat. / He sees you. For all that you are.

David · Moira:Fine. He can come. / Excellent. And he's bringing his guitar. / What?

Moira · Jocelyn:Okay, should I save him? / Oh they'll be fine. / Let's just sit back and enjoy the sight of our two strapping men bonding over an open flame.

Moira:David, you are living an exciting new chapter in the book on tape of your life.

Moira · David:Well, let's hope that you continue to surprise each other. It keeps the relationship titillating. / Okay, please never say titillating when referring to my relationship. / Oh, can I though? / No.

Patrick · Johnny · Moira:I'm gonna talk to you in a minute, we've got a lot to talk about. / Who is she? / I glanced down at my plate for two seconds.

Moira:I glanced down at my plate for two seconds.

Moira:I talked to Tony yesterday, he seemed very, very upset.

Johnny · Moira:And I just gave Stevie the day off. / How many days off is Stevie allowed to request?

Moira:It's starting to remind me of Rose Video, when your work consumed you, and I would miss you so. Except now I don't have the jet and the free DVD's to distract me.

Moira:Oh, there's so much time wasted off top, John. Yap, yap, yap, do, re, mi. A lip buzzing 'til I'm blue in the face!

Moira:Okay. As long as we're tabulating scores, this will mark the 3rd time you stood me up this week, John.

Moira · Johnny:Ah! John, what are you doing here? / Is it David? / Oh no, you can speak freely in front of the gals.

Moira · Jocelyn:Sweet gesture, but was that wise? / No offense, Jocelyn. / I was gonna ask him the same thing.

Ronnie · Moira:If that doesn't scream romance. / There was a time when this dusky charmer used to constantly whisk me off to ports unknown.

Moira:Oh, my husband, the portrait of self-effacement. / You should all know that this man's voice melted more than a few hearts.

Johnny · Moira:Oh, ha ha. / I've got perfect pitch, so do not mess this up for me.

Moira:Oh John, a near-perfect return to form. / Well, professionally speaking there's still only one [singer in the family].

Moira:But I do applaud the vigor with which you embrace recreational activities such as this, Mr. Rose.

Moira:Ooh, Okay ladies, if you don't mind, I'm going to allow my husband to steal me away, for a modest repast across the avenue.

Johnny · Moira:Boy, we never did this back in the Rose Video days, did we? / No, but I'm sure we had our reasons.

Moira:Oh, Veronica, once again, you reign supreme as the queen of the triple entendres.

Johnny · Moira:Oh, Moira. / My time with the Jazzagals.

Moira:As sad as it sounds, these rehearsals have become a tiny oasis in the echo-y canyon that I now call my social life.

Moira:My nightly sleeps, afternoon naps, and of course meals with my husband.

Moira:Oh god, no, we'll leave together, please. There are only so many ways I can feign amusement at Ronnie's comedia Del commode.

Moira:Though harvesting crops does produce a nicely-sculpted physique.

Moira:Comes from a large family. Oh, not my kids.

Moira · Alexis:Oh, Alexis, look, you've just Bumpkined with Jebediah. / What? Ew!

Moira · Alexis · Johnny:And now we're back to Ray. / Ew! / How did Ray get such a beautiful bathroom?

Moira · Alexis:Moira presents Alexis's college certificate — but the name is struck through due to low toner, calling back to the orthodontist certificate

Moira:This certificate reminds me of the one you were awarded for getting your braces off.

Moira · Alexis:Pubic relations.

Moira:David, do not diminish your sister's accomplishments. She didn't do anything to your [certificate].

Moira:And what, pray tell, might this collection of words be?

Moira:Now, don't get me wrong, there is no High-Street beret that I would rather have thrown in my ring, but, I have a funny feeling Council already has its favourite.

Moira:Oh, very well, Alexis, let's hear your elevator pitch. But bear in mind, I have to get off on the next floor.

Moira:Darling, I realize the pickings are slim in this rural spanandry, but you can't ask Council to misuse public funds just so that you can find yourself a new boy toy.

Moira:As the Irish like to say, it's a cinch to mash the Murphy where there's love.

Moira:Well, I'm gonna go ahead and file Ray's Ham and Clam Bake in the t'won't happen pile.

Moira:Hmm. After a glud of unasinous ideas put forth today, the room is suddenly bombilating with anticipation.

Moira:I'd like us all to close our eyes, and picture 3 to 5... hundred acres of carefully-manicured lawn.

Moira:I recently heard of a small town in Scotland, no bigger than a thimble, that is making millions from a week-long singles fest. Now, if an idea as simple as that can work for a people as infamously disorganized as the Scotch...

Moira · Ronnie:Now there's an idea. Thank you! Ronnie's on board with Rosewood. No, I'm not! I like the singles fest.

Moira:I wouldn't let them have it. Not until they accepted my demand, which was to employ the services of the CEO and Founder of Alexis Rose - whatever you called it - as part of my advisory team.

Moira · Alexis:Hmm, well we landed on a one-of-a-kind event to celebrate and... congregate those who happen to be unattached, uh, in the hopes of facilitating interpersonal connections. Sorry, so like, a singles event, then?

Moira:That word is now considered derogatory. I believe they prefer to be called independents.

Moira:Alexis, now is not the time for pettifogging!