Moira Rose

Immigration? - Revenue. Mrs. Rose! There are people here from the government!

I've been gutted! John, I've been stripped of every morsel of pleasure I earned in this life!

My very soul has been kidnapped. There's no ransom. No one's coming to save me!

No! Did you put Kristen with Robin? They don't like each other!

The kids. The children are dependents, Moira.

Children, keep an eye on these bags. Apparently in hell, there's no bellman!

I just want a bathtub and a long extension cord, please.

And I am appalled that my baby girl has turned into a selfish, duplicitous whore!

I don't suppose you saw any hobos or crackheads loitering around the hotel today?

Right now, some local is pawning my earrings for crank.

the one thing I could hide under my tongue.

I've hated that guy ever since he asked me to do lines with him at my 60th.

Of course, by then our feet will be shoeless and filthy and mangled from walking on cigarette butts and broken beer bottles.

Let's all pray we don't wake up.

Is it blood? No! There's... there is leak in the ceiling.

You are blind to reality and for that I am most proud

but our worlds evil twin... has reared her ugly... / Okay. I'm taking my journal into the bathroom. Where I will be shutting the door.

Oh, I love your complexion.

Mr. Rose and I would like to put a for sale sign on this incredible town.

It's a dance. And sometimes you lead. and sometimes you follow. / And which are you doing now, John?

And if I bang my head and slip beneath the surface, so be it, Mr. Rose.

You have a really lovely home. It's really um, understated. / Thank you. I get a lot of my ideas from magazines. / Don't be modest. This is 100 percent you and only you.

or you want to finish high school? / I'm not sure, I couldn't hear over your husband's chewing.

Sign the fucking contract!

This is the dark side of the moon, Johnny. And we'll be here another 20 years, tucked in a crater, lost to all.

They dare to call me irrelevant? Shag carpeting, that's irrelevant!

Anonymous. Ominous.

You were a couple of doe eyed lovers aboard a trans-Atlantic airship filled with gas!

(Snorts like a pig) You date pigs.

I was hungry! But I could still eat.

and hoping the building will collapse.

That must have taken such courage to ask me that.

Raise your swords!

We're not here to play, or to have fun!

It's not your fault, the script is garbage!

The quiet suffering of a woman trapped in a relationship with a simpleton.

(Shouting) What is it you need?

The opportunities will diminish, and the ass will get bigger, oh, you can bet your bottom dollar it will! Especially yours. You're going to have a huge ass.

And you, future baldy. Sorry, hairless, homeless!

Um... all that's missing is my middle name. / Then fill it in please. / Do I have to do that?

Do you not know my middle name? / Of course I do. I blessed you with it. / Okay, so um... then what name should I put down then?

Alexis... something rose.

Sadly, and most of the time, we have no interest in what's going on with you.

No, Johnny, they had to guess which one was the truth. / Mm... which one was the lie. / It's just-it's just one lie. / You said two lies. / No, it's- / No, the game is 'two truths and a lie.' / It's truth. / That's the game. / Well, yeah, because babies play that at their birthday parties.

Perhaps a new position would help?

Emma. Your middle name is 'Emma.' / Is it? / I'm sorry! No, Hannah. / I'm embarrassed for you. / Elspeth. / No! / I think it's Elspeth. / It isn't! / I should know! / Wow.

'I don't want to turn into my parents. Separate beds, separate rooms. Well, separate countries.'

'Am I being punished for something?' / 'David, are you dirty peeping tom?'

'Didn't you once take the wrong baby home from preschool?' / 'Alexis looked Chinese as an infant.'

Alexis looked Chinese as an infant

I was half expecting early unibomber

'Roland has gay friends! Again, shocked and delighted.'

'I think that's his wife.' / 'No, they're both called husband.'

Johnny frantically yelling 'There's something wrong with the phones!' while everyone scrambles to patch the call around

The ladybug in the wine: 'There's something in mine.' 'Oh, that's a ladybug. That's one of the good ones.'

Moira's disgust: 'No, this tastes like something one should not put in their mouth.'

Moira's sudden enthusiasm: 'Like it? It's fruit wine. What's not to like?' after calling it disgusting moments earlier

Moira: 'You called it liquid stink this morning.' Johnny: 'The whites seem less stinky.'

Moira's defensive response: 'That moron is the first moron to offer me an acting role in a very long time.'

Johnny complaining about the tote bag: 'But seriously, how cheap ass is that bag?' followed by Moira's disgusted reaction to handling it

Johnny's onset interference causing him to be sent home: 'You're making me nervous. And apparently you're making everyone nervous.'

Moira's wine commercial takes: 'glace' instead of 'glass,' 'flute line' instead of 'fruit wine,' 'moina rose' instead of 'Moira Rose'

Moira's drunken door opening method: 'How did you open the door?' 'I threw a shoe.'

Moira: 'I can't feel my tongue. But I know it's there because I'm talking.'

Moira's final wine commercial with completely mangled winery names: 'Herb Erfling... ger. Burt Herngeif. Irv Herb-blinger. Bing Livehaanger. Liveling. Burt Herkurn. Ban-Bingo ling-!'

Hey! Where's my towel?! John? Johnny?! Where's my towel?!

(Moira screams in anguish)

Let's not and say we did.

So now I'm fat and stressed?

or I will strip out of this robe and I will air dry in the street!

Go. To. Hell! You're off... you're a fool!

Really mean?

Oh... alcoholism. / Tsk, tsk. Affair. Poor thing.

No, it's a dead possum. Yes, it's a wig, John.

But not necessarily. / Sad?! You think this is a sad look?

I'm stuck looking like every other inmate in this godforsaken prison.

You have a look that says, 'Hi. I'm Jocelyn, and I know who I am!'

I don't who I am from one moment to the next.

But if you ever... Ever catch me shopping at the Blouse Barn, you must shoot me in the temple.

My son is hunting right now with your husband, so I... I know you people have guns.

She can be an angry drunk, but we were always close.

That frigid whore!

Well, apparently you can win an Audi. / What colour?

don't believe everything you read, dear, please.

I don't know, John, perhaps the hospital?

No, it isn't! She didn't finish high school.

Look at the work she's had done, it's grotesque.

Because it's a scam! / But if your father's willing to go out there and sell his soul...

Okay, we're going to have a luncheon. / A luncheon?

David staging the fake surprise at the cosmetics

Alexis, you'd like this product. It's all about aging, and dry skin. Oh my God, ew, David!

Get out! / I know someone here wants in on this exclusive opportunity!

Sorry, you're... you're an Allez Vous consultant? / I'm actually an executive area manager. / I'm a district manager. / I'm an executive district manager. / I gave up.

In two weeks we had sold everything to the other half of town, and vice versa. / That's... that's funny. / It became a bit incestuous, yeah, very small sales pool.

You broke into his cabin and had sex while he and his wife were in the next room.

And his arms are so weak. Little muscles like corn nuts.

I just stood up and sang 'Danny Boy.' Not a dry eye in the house.

♪ Oh, Danny boy, ♪ ♪ the pipes, the pipes are calling... ♪

Because a podunk baby out of wedlock is not something your father and I can afford to negotiate at this moment.

Well, now I don't remember. Yeah, I don't remember.

You know, the more I think about it, the more I wonder whether David's whole sexually adventurous thing was just a phase. It's not a phase.

We had friends in the FDA, but... When in Rome...

Moira frantically screaming about something crawling up her leg that turns out to be invisible

Moira's dramatic concern: 'I can't afford to burn all my clothes' - treating lice like a house fire

Dee Dee's surprise entrance after John's logical 'If we had lice, I'd have lice'

Moira's sarcastic response: 'Telephone is also amazing. You just push the buttons and say, Hi, it's me, your deadbeat sister'

Oh, give me a break. How did you find me?

- Thank you? - Ugh. Too late.

Didn't want to hurt your feelings, but I forgot. - You don't have feelings.

The check amount reveal - Dee Dee 'missed a zero' or two

I was on the board of some of the most profitable non-profits, from San Francisco to London.

Jocelyn, you must stop being intimidated by me. It's unnerving.

Do you people know what the word fundraising means?

David, I'm sorry, but it's coup d'etat time.

No, seriously, I might leave. - Okay, last warning. In three. Two.

What! There's no fundraiser?

Oh, never in the history of surprises has one been so delightfully blindsided.

I love my party, John. But please don't ever do it again.

Told you I'd sell this town. Didn't I tell you? / Yes. Not to diminish your accomplishment, but you did say that a handful of times. / I think eight, to be exact.

My little suity-cases! Oh!

It would be her first piece of clothing made outside of mainland China.

The coat you kept going on about that one time. / Are you sure it was me?

Oh, it's absolutely tragic, Jocelyn, that I will never see or speak to you ever again.

You didn't try it on, did you? / No. / Oh, why not? / I gave it away.

Smoking in a car with a baby, unless you crack a window, tipping before tax, mixing drinks with cola, and giving away a coat that doesn't belong to you.

People do come out of comas. / Oh, I'd kill for a good coma right now.

David must've taken it, along with my last molecule of hope!

I bet he's pawned it by now, to pay for manicures.

Mrs. Rose, you got out of bed. Humph!

I'm still here!

when he'd charter the jet without permission?

If there's one thing David knows, it's the street value of a woman's bag.

my great grandmother took it from her husband when she left him, and it has been passed down through all the women in my family, as emergency currency, in case we need to leave our husbands in the middle of the night.

But you know Alexis will! Yeah, more than once, probably.

Oh, I haven't lost him, i know exactly where he is. He's enjoying happy hour at the viceroy without me.

now don't take this the wrong way, but, is this car your home?

I had just had my eyelashes dyed, everything was cloudy!

Okay, because I have told a lot of people that Diane Sawyer sells fake bags on the down-low.

Oh David, it's a rare gift to strip vanity of its charm, yet here you are.

We've already done that. What number are we on? Oh my God! Is this not your mother's recipe?

Excuse me, but the enchiladas were my mother's recipe.

I made it for you all the time!

Listen, a small favour... I require the use of your kitchen.

What does 'fold in the cheese' mean? / You fold it in. / I understand that, but how?

Okay, I don't know how to fold broken cheese like that! / Then I don't know how to be any clearer!

You just fold it in.

If you say 'fold in' one more time... / It says, fold it in! / This is your recipe! / You fold in the cheese, then! / Don't you dare! / You fold it in!

David! What does burning smell like?!

or start a car without a key. / Then I met your father, and suddenly I had people to do everything for me.

And now I know how it feels to be utterly helpless, like you, and your sister. / I don't know if I'd call us 'helpless.' / No need to make me feel better.

like you, and your sister.

Well, that's simple enough, any fool could do that. / Did you do that?! / No.

Although it's really not that complicated, once you fold in the cheese!

We had a lengthy conversation about hosiery and menopause. / Again, that was me.

Alexis hasn't been here for a week and a half. She's at Mutt's. - Well, that's simply not true. I had breakfast with her just yesterday. - That was me!

We had a lengthy conversation about hosiery and menopause. - Again, that was me.

No, just an intimate breakfast, nothing special, no big 'ladies' bruncheon' for me.

Let me guess, a bucket of shrimp in Times Square, followed by a 'Lion King' matinee!

No, actually, we performed in Central Park. - C-Central Park? Really?

Especially musicals. Anything 'Andy' Webber!

Oh, yes, you'll find me on ensemble tracks seven, nine, and thirteen of the original cast recording of Starlight... 'Starlight Express.'

Or perhaps Jocelyn should speak to me.

Yes please, I'm still not quite off book.

Small minds don't reach for the stars. No more! Not on my watch. Jocelyn, I am here!

Au-Audition! Uh, though I'm sure you mean no offense, in the actual world of entertainment, I'm what's known as, 'offer only.'

Who hasn't been?

Great, you can call it an audition if you must, or an impromptu performance, or perhaps 'an evening with...'

I'll wait, far be it for me to get in the way of you making any necessary improvements.

Oh no, we were done early, we got plenty of time. - Thank you, but I think I'm fighting a little bug.

Come on, Moira! audition! Moi-ra! Moi-ra! Moi-ra! - Stop! That's cruel!

Well, I can't say no to anyone!

[Moira's entire bizarre singing performance with vocal runs and nonsense syllables]

John, do you think they did this with our things? No, not ours, no. They put our stuff right on the lawn.

Look at this poor woman's life strewn across cheap folding tables.

Well, except they'd have been saying, 'what great taste they had!'

So was my Galapagonian tortoise-shell foot bath. And now some lonely hoarder is letting his cats poop in it.

Poor dear, enchanted by a death bed.

We are currently sleeping on a rectangular collection of knives and barbed wire, John.

Oh God, that's memory foam, John! ... The Kennedys aren't Roland! The Kennedys have regular medicals, daily laundering!

Honey, I need to ask you a serious question, has it gotten worse or are you just not wearing any makeup?

I knew this day would come, John! Isolated, impoverished, cut off from all medical services! I only prayed it wouldn't be Alexis.

Oh, it's always just a cold, John, until it's full blown... Typhoid!

Do you remember Valentina? Our chambermaid in little Martinique? We all thought she had just a cold, until it was too late! I'll never shake the mental image of her frothing and flailing in the water taxi!

This is as far as I go, Alexis. One of us has to stay safe for David.

Has it gotten worse, or are you just not wearing any makeup?

Though I played one once in a lovely little production of 'Harvey,' but she worked in a mental institute.

I'm sorry, Alexis, I'm sorry I must leave you, but... mummy's gotta fight for her solo.

Had I known your spirits were so high, I might not have spent the last 45 minutes of my life running around buying cold medication.

When have you ever bought me cold medication?! Exactly, I knew it didn't feel right.

Exactly, I knew it didn't feel right.

Oh dear, are we sure this isn't just mono again? What with your symptoms, and your lifestyle?

Maternal instinct, maybe? No, that's not it. No! Maybe. No!

Mostly because she didn't cry as much as the unmannerly son, but also because she was adventurous, carefree, so beautiful. Just like her mother.

Alexis, you're on my arm. Alexis, seriously. I can't feel it! I can't-Alexis!

Look at the state of this place, it's like we're in a Mumbai-an slum.

John, do you remember what Goldie Hawn told us at that Amfar dinner? 'You are the life you accept for yourself.' Those are Goldie's words. Or something someone said to her in India. Or perhaps she read it.

I mean, would it kill someone to plant a few peonies?!

These are dark times John, but not that dark.

You have that striking accent. - Thank you. And I'm sure your family wanted more for you when they immigrated from... Winnipeg. - Winnipeg.

I'm hoping to take my complaint to council, and I've been told you'd be the easiest one to crack.

A baby born in a prison cell does not know that a toilet should not be in the same room as its bed, but we do.

That we should strive for something that sets us apart from the prison baby.

I once got Winnie Mandela to RSVP to an 'Artists Against Eczema' benefit within the hour.

Yes, you try enjoying a puff pastry with everyone around you scratching.

Never assume, dear, It makes an ass out of both of us.

I'd sooner poke my eyes out with hat pins.

What's the word I'm trying to think of? / Well, let's hope we don't find it, okay?

I heard that one, it's only because you converse with women easily, and you dress so well.

If this continues, I'll have to call a neurologist.

Trying to council to focus on the simplest thing is like... wrangling monkeys!

If Jocelyn can do it, anyone can.

So the two of them on council together? / Is there a more frightening thought?

They would have a virtual monopoly on this town. / Well, don't they already?

Jocelyn practically begged me to take the bait!

They call this a candidates' breakfast?!

Oh, bless you, dear, but a name tag does not go with this ensemble.

Well, I'm glad you talked me out of the Mohawk.

I was always impressed by those masquerade key parties at the Sarkosy's.

I am approachable...

Stevie! Stevie! You're an average Joe... Anne.

As a strong willed modern woman, with a high school degree, you know how hard we have to work to be taken seriously!

As a strong willed modern woman, with a high school degree, you know how hard we have to work to be taken seriously!

It takes a real eye to find something of quality at a clothier in Elmdale.

No, she looked like an ageing stewardess from a Latvian airline!

Oh, I'm sorry, I think you'll find one lodged in the middle of my back.

Well, how's that for timing! We both stepped out exactly together.

No, I can't type, and I don't care to relive my days as a secretary.

That was the one time he let me play with his hair. It was a sunny aft... you know, I shouldn't have to explain myself.

If someone has to find naked pictures of me, better you than a stranger in a storm cellar!

Okay, try 'effervescence.' No, I'm sorry, 'small umbrella.' No wait, 'Siamese eels.'

Can no one find nude photos of me on the Internet?!

Yes, it's my character from 'Sunrise Bay,' but it's been put on the body of what I can only assume is an Indonesian lady boy.

That's your face. Yes, it's my character from 'Sunrise Bay,' but it's been put on the body of what I can only assume is an Indonesian lady boy.

I am suddenly overwhelmed with regret. It's a new feeling for me, and I don't find it at all pleasurable.

And I should've appreciated those firm round mammae, and Callipygian ass, while I had them.

Take a thousand naked pictures of yourself now. You may currently think, 'oh, I'm too spooky.' Or, 'nobody wants to see these tiny boobies.'

Otherwise, your own children will go looking for them one day and tragically, they won't be there.

They say it's through our children that we stay young. But I haven't seen much effort on their part.

Now how do I get this on the Internet? John!

Oh well, who wants an invitation to big soiree when you can be met the very next morning with some table scraps.

Those two are not as simple minded as we thought. He is.

New khakis I see.

I was. - Good. Lots of dairy.

If anyone knows how to put a lactose intolerant in the hospital, it's our Jocelyn.

Political weight. I now realize 'clout' was the word I was looking for.

It's a date. No. No, it's not. I wouldn't call it that.

I think you just approach these women like you did Paula, our landscaper. Very strong, very forceful.

I knew I should've left him home with the sitter.

You did not choose this life! No, each one of you was born to be an entrepreneur.

I had a six-and-a-half season career as an actress in television, which I put on hold to devote all my time and energy to raise two million dollars for charity. And two children.

you, Tara, you're very concerned about your inverted nipples. Which I assumed was public domain; there were a lot of you around when she told me.

Oh, there's a woman in here Who couldn't afford a Persian rug, so she painted one on her tiled floor. The magazine is celebrating her ingenuity! Well, it sounds like a creative solution. A creative solution would be a lobotomy to make one forget they like nice things.

The entire Rose family chaos with banging, yelling, and confusion over loud music

Moira's excessive sighing sequence

No, they look like they usually look, Moira. So now my eyes are usually puffy!

These bags are like gypsy caravans, packed to the brim!

I mean living in a space this limited, is trying enough on a marriage without having Roland wallowing next door. This is going to bring us to a breaking point!

All right, John. I... I drink a little too much tea sometimes. And that's it for you? You uh... You drink tea?

That would only be after you've taken that condescending father tone with me. Father tone? There it is.

But only when you act like a big child! I act like a child? Yes John, and now is not the time for you to throw one of your tantrums!

That's another thing Mr. Rose, you never finish your fights. Oh, this one's finished!

You are an emotionally stunted, self absorbed man-child. You lord this counterfeit power of yours over others like a schoolyard bully!

Your marriage is as blighted as this town, and you have no one to blame but yourself! Whoa... Well, hold on. I went too far.

My campaign has been hijacked.

Oh, this woman may not have many signs, but she has myriad qualities worth voting for. I must stop her!

Stolen? Ew!

Someone is imitated enough into thinking that I might be affecting this town's long-established voting patterns.

Politics 101, John. When you have limited resources, your best course of action is to create a stir.

It's like that episode of Sunrise Bay when I stole my own baby.

Moira, Sunrise Bay was a soap opera. Yes, and this is reality.

You shouldn't make accusations you can't substantiate.

Four years? No, no one said anything about four years.

I just don't understand what kind of family skinny dips together.

Something more grand? / Ah, knowing your penchant for surprises, I'm guessing you have something else up your sleeve.

Sort of a 'Lady and the Tramp' meets '9 1/2 Weeks' kind of dinner date?

You always could swing a good table at the last minute, John.

She's moved it to the front hall! / What?! / Grier wanted to hang her coat on the horns!

Oh, we're in a rustic, ranch style... Bungalow... that... It's very nice.

Very nice, it's got plenty of parking, and a TV in every room. / Oh, how many bedrooms? / Ten. Ten bedrooms!

That must be a nightmare to clean! / Um, Stevie does an adequate job. / Stevie's one of your staff? / Stevie's the only staff.

Do you know your father and I hold great affection for the two of you? It may not always be obvious, but... Just say it, Moira! We love you both very much.

David, you were dressed like a harlequin, and you were gluing shiny jewels...

Oh, of course you are.

David, stop acting like a disgruntled pelican!

In an 'afternoon delight.'

Is that term still a going thing? - No, that's no. - No, never say that again. - Don't do that.

Well, hello, everyone! What time is curtain?

If we look to have given up on ourselves, how can we assure our constituents that we haven't given up on them as well?

or the father who got stuck in a mine!

That extra half hour could be the difference between a child who gets picked up safely, and one who wanders the street, waiting for a dust-covered man to emerge from the darkness!

Homeless toddlers?! Tugging at your pant legs?!

One of my fondest memories from childhood were weekdays, between 5:30 and 6 P.M. That was our time!

Oh John, you smell like my mother!

Not at this exact moment perhaps, you have an olive stain on your tie.

A toast!

Well I, for one think we should celebrate your resilience! A toast!

I'm just gonna walk, 'cause I don't even care what's going on right now. Keep walking, okay?! Walk, walk, walk!

David, lunch today? - No. - Oh, okay. Well, I'll dine alone. See?! See what?

Alexis, I would be absolutely glee-ridden if you would have lunch with me.

Well, just because my daughter and I don't do that sort of thing doesn't mean it's impossible!

If you're still there when we arrive, might we... perhaps push our tables together? Yeah, perhaps.

No, well, a heavy salad might as well be a casserole.

'What's your favorite color?' - Black. - That's one of the questions!

That was a wine tasting tour, and I was seven years old! You could've used the spittoon, That's what the other children did.

What is your favorite season? Awards.

What are these sad print-outs?

Are the police auctioning off crime scene vehicles?

Does this site have boats?

But, sometimes your choices are less suited to a family's needs, and more suited to a pony-tailed Lothario, cruising down the Monte Carlo coast. Or like um, Vin Diesel.

Not that we can afford a car that says a lot about us

You bought me this dress, David. / I know! And it cost twice as much as the car you wanna buy.

to mimic the trappings of a workaday woman. / And if you'll notice, David, no cufflinks. / Wow! I am blinded by the disenfranchisement.

Well, if I squint, I feel like I'm seeing your rough and rugged country cousin.

I apprenticed costume design under Stan LaCoulier.

Yes, especially with this being our first ever purchase of an automobile. / Yes, it's our first car, let's hope we can afford it.

Yes, my poor 'usband, lost his job recently as a tennis pro, yes, at a public resort, that is, yeah.

It'll be nice to get off the streets, and be indoors for a change, yeah?

We've-we've struggled with penury for quite some time now, well, just two years ago, we were practically 'omeless.

I was one of two identical twins. Tragically, I was snatched from my crib at birth by Russian mobsters.

Well, if you're identical, I thought you'd both be valuable. / Yes, wouldn't you? She wasn't born yet. / 'Til three minutes later, and the Bratva work very quickly.

'Til three minutes later, and the Bratva work very quickly.

My wife was addicted to your show! / Well, I find it's wonderful, but we don't have a television, so.

Or perhaps we might have to take our business to a dealership that sells brand new cars. / As you can see, we can't even afford her meds right now.

$6,000 quid, love.

You can't put a price on dignity. / Uh, tell that to your outfit.

This is your outfit. / What?!

Moira's clinical diagnosis: 'crippling test anxiety'

Moira asking David to drive after just learning his license is expired

Moira saying 'It's fine' about her wallet/license in the exact same deflective way David did

Stevie's sobbing interrupting Johnny and Moira's complaint about the faucet

Moira diagnosing it as 'boy troubles, no doubt'

Moira's dramatic description of the dripping: 'the incessant tap, tap, tap... Oh, it's so irritating, Stevie'

Moira's immediate assumption: 'Oh, boy troubles, no doubt'

Moira offering Stevie a pill to forget her problems for two days

Moira's offer to get Stevie 'a pill... going to make you forget every last one of those irrational thoughts for at least two days!'

Moira's confession: 'You didn't get the money, did you?' followed by elaborate excuse about robbing Johnny of necessity

Johnny's 'fixed' tap now making the hot water come out of the cold tap

Attractive and spunky forty-something female. / In my sleep!

The Crows Have Eyes... Two. / It's a sequel, that's good. It must mean the first one was a big success. / I've never heard of it.

Who's the other actress? / Well, they haven't found her yet.

I'm sure you've seen 'The Crows Have Eyes.' / I have never heard of it, but congratulations.

God, it'd be such big shoes to fill. / No, Twyla, no. No deprecatory mocking.

Start from five, you leave out the two, and the one. / Okay, why? / Because it's my process.

Oh, you'll see! And it's not a flock, my dear boy... it's a murder.

Sorry, um, this is... just one big rip off of 'The Birds!' / This is about crows! It's much more specific!

It's a common name. / Yeah, the next scene takes place in a large bird's nest.

A note, coming from my son?! Who I carried for almost a full seven months

Who I carried for almost a full seven months

You booked it. / Ohhhh! David! I did?

There's a death waiver?! / Ohh!

Yeah, but we haven't even gotten to the section on bird safety yet! / Shut it! Now.

while the Bosnian Riviera is a majestic locale, it can't hold a candle to singing... with you wonderful working women here, in our makeshift rehearsal studio.

John and I made David to that song, in Pusitano.

(Moira sings in another language) / (Moira sings loudly)

(Moira sings loudly in another language)

John and I used to attend "Eyes Wide Shut" parties at the Castros'. Though... I'm guessing your evening's activities might be somewhat different.

Oh well, the party's actually Friday. I had a 50/50 chance there.

Oh, I would be pleased to RSVP as... pending. Just uh, as soon as I double check, and circle back.

Understandably, yes, BLT please, no bread.

I was actually thinking bagel bites. - Ah! Did I mention it was a potluck? Oh, you most certainly did not.

No one's coming to your party? Well, in fairness, the party is still a few hours away.

You'd be shocked at how many celebrities show up to a thing with the promise of a free Wagyu slider. I-I'm not charging anyone, this is just for fun. Oh, this is worse than I assumed!

Well, I happened to be chatting with our dear little Twyla about her party tonight, and she mentioned that you have yet to RSVP? And I thought, that's not the Jocelyn I know. What must've felled her?

This party has real momentum now. And with you attached, it's no less than a snowball gathering speed, picking up bodies as it rolls downhill. And that's good? Very good.

Did you know that according to IMDB, Rosa Parks was in an episode of "Touched By an Angel?" Exactly, David. You are bored, lethargic, and practically dripping with ennui!

You are bored, lethargic, and practically dripping with ennui!

You are squandering your social capital. A taste-maker like you should be out there, tasting things! Uh, I'm at the buffet, and there is nothing to taste!

Aw, say, don't be a dew-dropper! Throw some concealer under those peepers, make like a swell, and go put on the Ritz!

Uh, where are you?! You know who this is, and you know where I am. Did everyone show up? Yes, everybody showed up. Good, then my work is done. Uh no, your job is not done, You guilted me into coming here tonight!

They'll never catch me.

You should thank me. Twyla was set to throw a fiasco until I exerted my influence. Uh yeah, and the way Twyla keeps asking about where you are, I'm pretty sure you're the murderer.

Wait a minute, we were at the graduation! Yeah! I know, but I wasn't. We saw you there! Did we, though? Yeah. We were there, we might not have stayed through the "R's," I think we left halfway through the "L's."

we might not have stayed through the "R's," I think we left halfway through the "L's." Oh, yeah, it got very repetitive.

Then how do you explain this graduation photo? Huh? That's Jess Chang! What? Jess Chang? Well, who can tell with all this hair in front of your face? That's not my face!

I will not relive that bullying nightmare... She doesn't mean you, Alexis... That's the heartbreaking part, He was so blissfully unaware.

They sell Christmas stuff all year round... And what on earth is a Christmas World?

Ha! Oh! Can you imagine? Not seizing on this opportunity.

Dare I say, the space might be cursed?

Moira's repetitive questioning technique

Sometimes the eyes won't allow the brain to see things at first. Like the cultural and economic benefits of a seasonally specific store.

You don't enjoy children so perhaps you won't understand

And who do you think bought all your patrons?

And me, but in this case, you.

Says who?! The guy who invented custom beer cozies?

Yes, the last thing we want to do is stain these exquisite table tops.

Well, aren't you Mr. Futuristic!

something in a supervisory capacity, perhaps?

receptionist work is not my strong suit, that's more Alexis' bailiwick.

Then I shall keep watch over this front desk.

Oh my God, where did you come from?

My associates will deal with all that when you depart.

Yes. - Sorry, which one? - I don't care. - I'm sorry? I don't know!

And I'm very much looking forward to the moment when that stops!

I manned that front desk with the vigor of a wartime radio operator.

It was a master class in patience.

And what might this have to do with me?

fussy little (Bleep)!

But unlike him, I will not hide behind the internet!

My daughter married a man who turned out to be her uncle.

The lowlife uncle she believed to have been executed years before by the Indian cartel.

they threatened to burn down the motel, and leave my pregnant baby penniless.

but not without first shaving all her beautiful hair!

Nothing! She is my everything!

Follow us on tweeters!

We're going to get lots of disciples, dear.

Well, that's not very helpful, John. You're the only one using the sign-out sheet.

I can't take four hours in the truck with Roland and Lynyrd Skynyrd.

If airplane safety videos have taught me anything, David, it's that a mother puts her own mask on first.

I won't wear anything with an adhesive backing.

You mean the one serving drinks to the other people?

Well, now you've identified the catering staff.

If there is anyone at this fabulous little confab who know how to work a room of fragile egos, it's me.

I once hosted the non-televised portion of the People Choice Awards.

Well, I was simply channeled someone who cares, but if you insist on referring to me as the linchpin. I'll take that.

Yes, I'll I'm the ingenue here. A total babe in the political woods.

The cheering and accolades are drowning out your gentle voice.

Goodbye, phone call!

Roland! What are you doing in my room?

Well, what the fuck are you doing in your room?

Are you naked under there?

I know, wasn't that funny?

Obviously. I didn't tell you anything because I was embarrassed.

It's symbolic, John.

I had my one chance at a proletarian oasis and I squandered it, passed out Roland a bed.

I could cancel, but you just told me you don't care so now I have no choice but to meet him.

Creativity lives on its feet. Anything else is bullshit. / I just ordered you a Sanka-ccino.

At the motel? And here I thought I gave you very specific instructions to go directly to the cafe. / Ever the renegade.

You must have used our name.

You must have used our name. / But Sebastien, I was under the impression that you were here just for today for a quick consult...

This is my talk now, shoot later look. So, this visage is off-limits for-for the moment.

picturettes, really.

I leaned in! I don't know, David. Why don't you try it... sometime!

Oh, I'd love to believe you, but there's a big fat line between charm and bullshit.

Who the fuck is Lucy Albion?!

I won't be pitied, John! Or fed your pacifying pablum like some kind of soft-headed infant!

The notion of that garden is as abhorrent to me as our daughter's scalp!

Evacuation Route 14... 'Moira Rose Boulevard.'

I don't even remember posing for this. Because you didn't. You were in rehab when we sat for this.

We had your face painted on the body of my assistant. That's why you look so good.

this modest little vigil you're hosting

He's managed to create in this town something truly winsome. I would shop here, John. Even without a nagging sense of obligation.

I had nothing but doubts... No doubts. That you could do this.

I have a favour... - Oh, great. Um... I would love a ride to work. - I meant, I have a favour to ask.

We're all pitching in these days, dear. Like communists or non-union actors.

I was at your first graduation and it's not my fault that you weren't there.

We, we didn't forget. - No, we've been talking about it for weeks. - You've been talking about it for weeks.

Oh. Well, isn't that thoughtful. I wish everyone remembered special days like that, but, alas, that's not what this world is anymore.

when one of us shines, all of us shine. That is the meaning of ensemble.

Alexis has veritably browbeaten us not to attend.

I wouldn't be surprised if she skips the whole affair herself. Waggish little nymph, that she is.

I'd advise against the mortarboard. It'll flattens the hair and pull focus away from that beautiful face.

But by not wearing one, you'll stand out. And by the fact that you're a good ten years older than everyone else.

It's not too late if you wanna come. - Hey, it's okay. Don't worry about me. Mommy is going to be fine.

you have been and always will be one of my top priorities.

'Happy day Alex and Davis'. - We've done the best we can.

I have endured a cornucopia of trauma that last few years, I draw the line at living in a crime scene.

John old? Or old, old?

Why do I find that scenario even more bone-chilling than murder?

Oh my God, can you imagine? Not one of you is trained.

Unfortunately my previous engagements preclude me from offering my beneficence around the motel today.

I'm positively bedeviled with meetings, etc.

How serendipitous. Thank you, Peter. It's Patrick. Anything else? Nothing else for me, thank you, just the scone. You mean the tea? Why not. Thank you.

Sorry David, I had nowhere else to turn. It's probably nothing, but I think I've killed a man.

There's nothing wrong with treating yourself, dear.

I can barely come to terms with the fact that I've resorted to hoarding... sample packets of a basic headache medication, let alone reveal it to the world.

This is what my life has come to, David, killing a man over a complimentary bolus.

David, I came here to be talked off a ledge, not pushed!

Can you imagine this in prison?

Alexis was right, he's a button.

Don't you dare take that for granted. One day you're asking for an anti-inflammatory, the next day you've passed away in your sleep!

Or be implicated in, and then suddenly cleared of someone else's death.

Well, it's a smiley face, so I'm assuming it's a positive result. / Well, that's presumptuous

Now she has to move into one of those homes for unwed mothers! / Oh my God, imagine? / I'm sure there are plenty of them on this side of the tracks. Let the nuns take care of the little stranger!

You mean, the ones on top of your head? / And there they are

Well, you've cracked me open

To allow an unscheduled conception to occur!

Oh Jocelyn, Roland's not the father?

Miracles don't take reservations

And you might want to add a line item for prophylactics

I couldn't be happier that this is happening to you and your family!

I had to be both puppet, and puppeteer.

Shoes, Glorious Shoes, the Imelda Marcos Story

Two Heads are Better. The one woman Siamese twin play.

does 'TV's Moira Rose' send a different message than 'television's Moira Rose?'

Well, didn't it have an ensemble cast of 30? Uh huh, and what was your father's review? 29 dead weights!

The night Patricia Lupone ate that pre-show shwarma, and I was asked to step in.

Skip Fosse once told me that when it comes to choreo, always leave some room for spontaneity.

No, you say, 'break a leg.' - Okay, that, too. - Say 'break a leg!' Break a leg!

We're going to ease in... with a machine gun ballet.

So I need a machine gun for the machine gun ballet!

There is an elephant in the room David, and he's whispering, 'retire!'

nothing is colder than the chill I get when I think of the dangers of asbestos poisoning

Nothing, we merely exchanged familial smiles. He seemed quite taken with an older woman, so I thought best not to intrude.

They were canoodling in the banquette for all to see, so I'd be rather concerned if that were his mother, David.

No, no braid. Uh, looked more like thick, healthy hair woven together loosely.

Well to my credit, she was.

Always the little philanthrope. Though it's possible this outing might serve you both well.

A closed book that falls open the second you take it off the shelf.

Gossip is the devil's telephone. Best to just hang up.

They don't allow you to drink and drive anymore.

If, and when, you meet someone who catches your eye, hold his gaze. Then walk up behind him, trace a single finger down his back.

John Cougar... No. Mellencamp. But guess who drove me home that night? Mr. Rose. Yes, you're right.

John Cougar... No. Mellencamp.

Alexis! You're wrinkled in the back.

Bored, so I found a lovely little speakeasy at the back of the club.

there was a reason I drew Mr. Cougar Mellencamp into that dark corner of the bar instead of your father.

It took a year. A year? But if it's meant to be, they'll come around!

I'm driving? That's a good idea!

Well they're not from me, Moira. 'Sorry for your loss. She was really something.'

Ew. Who was something?

Who sends pink carnations?

Shh. Fear not. She hath risen!

what do we think we'd be saying right now?

Impeccably dressed woman wanders out of Podunk motel. No, that's not the headline!

This is not, not how I imagined my resurrection news to break!

It would kill Sir Tony Geary.

There was a charismatic leader, 40 something, very sexual, had very long hair, longer than you'd expect, but it worked.

Truth serum. Oh Stevie, yes, those stories are always successful.

Well, of course he did.

you have years ahead of you still to collect a cartage of adoring mourners.

John, they're perishable. And excuse me, but this is the first time we've heard from most of these people. These gifts are long overdue.

Honestly, what kind of kitten befriends a giraffe?

might you and I confabulate for a moment in the back room?

I assure you it's a salacious bit of Council-related news.

Toil and trouble.

Is it a girl? Valiant attempt, Jocelyn.

All of a sudden, expected attention has me doubting what I saw. I barely glanced at that paper.

You told me to keep it a secret, and that's exactly what I did, even from myself.

You'll let me know if I should pull the fire alarm?

A boy, I believe I told you that.

Why would Patrick do that? / That was my first thought.

Four whole months, David. / How 'bout that?

I had a... very intimate connection with Tony, for several years. / She was your pen pal, David. / She was in a penitentiary, dear.

Perhaps it's this nay-saying reticence that caused your past relationships to... Fall apart. / ... oxidize. / Oxidize.

No, I'm sorry, I just had an image of you cooking.

Okay, please never say titillating when referring to my relationship. / Oh, can I though? / No.

It's starting to remind me of Rose Video, when your work consumed you, and I would miss you so. Except now I don't have the jet and the free DVD's to distract me.

Yap, yap, yap, do, re, mi. A lip buzzing 'til I'm blue in the face!

this will mark the 3rd time you stood me up this week, John.

Sweet gesture, but was that wise? / No offense, Jocelyn. / I was gonna ask him the same thing.

There was a time when this dusky charmer used to constantly whisk me off to ports unknown.

Oh, my husband, the portrait of self-effacement.

these rehearsals have become a tiny oasis in the echo-y canyon that I now call my social life.

My nightly sleeps, afternoon naps, and of course meals with my husband.

There are only so many ways I can feign amusement at Ronnie's comedia Del commode.

Looking for a hook-up. / Well, that sounds promising, Alexis, he's open for hooking up for dinner, or drinks. / Uh-uh, that's not what that means.

Oh my wives. / All right, which way do you swipe to get rid of this one? / you've just Bumpkined with Jebediah.

How did Ray get such a beautiful bathroom?

Pubic relations. - What? - No. - Oh my god, give me that!

And what, pray tell, might this collection of words be?

Wow! Now, don't get me wrong, there is no High-Street beret that I would rather have thrown in my ring, but, I have a funny feeling Council already has its favourite.

Darling, I realize the pickings are slim in this rural spanandry, but you can't ask Council to misuse public funds just so that you can find yourself a new boy toy.

As the Irish like to say, it's a cinch to mash the Murphy where there's love.

After a glud of unasinous ideas put forth today, the room is suddenly bombilating with anticipation.

Now, if an idea as simple as that can work for a people as infamously disorganized as the Scotch, surely we can aspire to something of equal scale.

Sorry, so like, a singles event, then? - That word is now considered derogatory. I believe they prefer to be called independents.

So you stole my idea, took it to Council, and claimed it as your own? - Alexis, now is not the time for pettifogging!

Well then, I took your little germ of an idea, and I fertilized it to fruition.

Starting to get keyed up about this prospect of a mother-daughter power team. Modern day Judy and Lorna.

I don't know who that is. - Oh my god.

I just have to ask, before the event, will you grant me access to your most intimate sounds? - No. But we'll play the game.

I know you're gonna find this hard to believe, but she predicted that I would meet a woman with shoulder-length blonde hair, and red lipstick. - Telepathic, was she? - And tremendously specific!

Maybe I'll spend the night sometime. At the motel, I mean. - Oh, oh, oh.

Yes, we have, but here, locks sadly are defective.

Oh, Theodore, back for another meeting of the animals, I see.

You know you two are lovely little freaks. In this digital day of discontented disconnection, you two still manage to do things face-to-face, like people from before your time.

Safe to say our animal-loving singles will be well placated.

That nudnick at the curling rink just informed me that they'll no longer be able to accommodate our Lover's Messy Sloppy Joe Eat-a-Thon.

N... alas! Your co-chair will be busy getting herself out of jury duty today.

Alexis, you know me, I'm not one to overstep, But, perhaps you might be able to strike a few more to-do's off that list if you and Ted spend a little less time fussing over this canine auction.

Jocelyn, you're about to witness a master class in judicatory persuasion.

Well, there was that summer that Jimmy Smits stole my heart on stage in a workshop-only production of 'An Officer and a Gentleman'. I suppose that might be called emotional embezzlement?

The fact that my own world was ripped out from under me, by someone like this prick of a prestidigitator? I should think would help the court in the quest to make a fair judgment.

I just overheard three women with smokers' coughs talking about 'Sex in the City'. The singles have arrived!

I think it would be a tad déclassé for the chair of the event to be wearing a Volunteers t-shirt

I appreciate everything you do, Alexis, but I think it's best I carry the baton over the goal line

The Teenage Rosacea Ball at the St. Regis?

Jocelyn is in labor!

Oh! Don't start without me you little frippit. You don't have the media training

Wait, Jocelyn's driving? Yes, Alexis! She insisted! My nerves are fried!

Oh, if the drugs are any good, you will

Seems there's a lot more of me in you, than I give you credit for. Lucky me

Wow, that's... the name is really something, isn't it? And an honor I dream not of!

Look at that, the two Moira's. Take him, John, my hands are shaking

Or the reindeer room.

And the protestors, shouting at the flatbed truck as it made its way through our front gates.

It depends, are we talking emotionally?

I hear Peter Fundraiser. Bogdanovich loved a mink.

Oh, straight as an arrow.

Perhaps a Christmas gourd.

That was me getting on board.

That was me getting on board.

I, for one, find it charming, in sort of a... a war-torn sort of way.

Literally, Alexis and Stavros are on his father's yacht by now. Off to Capri.

David, last I heard he was screaming at Wolfgang. Apparently there weren't enough capers on the smoked salmon crudites.

Oh don't worry, I already gave them their checks.

I've already taken my Christmas pills, and bitter experience has taught me I have just 8 minutes to make it safely up the stairs.

it can, at times, be quite peaceful. - Well, it wasn't too peaceful this afternoon, I'm sorry to say.

It appears there's been a Christmas miracle, John.

Oh, Jocelyn, surely the dentures have been dropped in the glass by now.

We ran out of red!

A bomb? - No, it's an antique tin. - For your wig pins.

Last thing we want is to have the motel burn down. - Or is it?

Moira mentions shooting next to a baklava factory

She-she's not my mother. - Who are those voices? - Uh, your children!

Oh Alexis, do you have strep again? - That was David!

David! Oh, David, how's the store? Any new customers, or is it still friendless?

Moira's dramatic entrance: 'Caw! Caw! My teamster brethren! Yes, it's me, if you can believe it!'

Moira introduces herself as 'Doctor Clara Beatrice Mandrake' adding 'Middle name wasn't scripted, but I've done my homework'

Moira references director breaking her down 'Like Stan Kubrick did to Shelley'

Moira calls the script 'a total dumpster fire, of course' delivered casually

It's an apocalyptic fantasy about mutant crows. I think we all know what we're making here. - A timely allegory about prejudice.

Moira's response: 'Caroline Kennedy once called it the Atlantic City of French Polynesia'

If only! At this moment an intestinal bacteria would wreak less havoc on my career!

I didn't bat an eye when I found out my accommodation here was in actuality a small 'Bed or Breakfast.'

Moira describes accommodation as 'small Bed or Breakfast. They feed me at work, I'll take the bed.'

Moira's metaphor: 'I refuse to be the goddess on its prow!' about sinking ship

That-that was rated 'M' for 'Mature,' John.

Moira's movie reference: 'If Sandy Bullock hadn't fought to keep the Speed Franchise alive, we never would've had Cruise Control'

Moira's behind-scenes complaints: 'None of my phone chargers are working! I ask for a pressed juice, and all I get are blank stares'

Moira's comeback: 'You were the artist, and they were indifferent!' about director's firing

They had me play my own father, who then became pregnant despite the vasectomy.

Moira's soap opera backstory: 'They had me play my own father, who then became pregnant despite the vasectomy'

Moira's final crow speech: 'Listen to me... aaawk! The day will come when we are no longer social outcasts! I am but a tailfeather away from finding the cure. So please... quiet your caws so that we may take up our cause: redemption!'

In terms of my eyeline, how many birds am I clocking? And of them, how many are mutants?

The local Bosnians are calling it a stunning re-invigoration of the 'Crows Have Eyes' franchise. That, of course, is a loose translation.

Yes! Noon Bosnian Mountain Time, that is! Which was several hours ago, John.

I took a Bosnian upper just to keep awake. Those things are the size of a nickel, so I only took one, at least, I think I did. I may have taken a second one just to be safe, because I don't know if I took that first one, or not.

Either way, I've been up since eight am three days ago, with time changes factored in

I don't know what you kids are still doing up so late.

Ooh, frisky, John.

You know, best to round up to an even four days.

Before your father met me, he was not quite so selective. I hesitate to add, he even had a predilection for boom boom girls!

Just a few more, just to lull me to sleep. That's all.

Although now that I'm standing here, it's equally possible that I didn't knock at all. I suppose we'll never know, will we?

I haven't slept in eight months. / Why's that? / Because of the baby.

I suppose we'll never know, will we?

In Bosni-wood, as the industry will soon be calling it

No one will ever accuse you of being vanilla again. / Who's saying that?

Caw! Caw!

You expire pleasured.

After collaborating so closely with the director on 'Crows,' I feel even more finely attuned to the fluctuations of the human condition.

I want to kiss you like an animal.

Oh Jocelyn, I'm afraid that dirigible has ascended.

Evidently, one or two of you have gotten under her skin.

Johnny discovering ice cold water after Moira's elaborate bathroom ritual

I'm currently reading a magazine from July, 1987.

Give a warm dobrodosli to my red carpet gown

Family, I'd like to you to meet a dear friend whom I've yet to meet.

I've been told definitively it will happen, and I quote, 'ideally sometime this year.'

What designer gave you that kind of discount? / Sadly, it's not custom this time around, Alexis. Mommy had to shop off the rack.

Fortunately, I discovered something called a 'promo code.'

I'm surprised she made it through customs.

TBD on the guest list, Alexis, but I love your enthusiasm.

And when dear, did our room become so moist?

I'm sorry dear, is your mouth moving? Could you uh, turn off the dehumidifier for a second? Because I can't possibly hear you over the sound of the dehumidifier!

This gown has exceeded all expectations.

Not with the price of ink today.

This dress is for the family. To remind us that our futures lie outside this town. It feels these days like I'm the only one who hasn't veered off course.

So before I send her back, take a mental picture. And perhaps an actual picture as well?

And those are the shoes we're going with? / What do you think? / No.

They're not going to ask someone of your age, John. / We raised two kids. / 'Raised' might be a stretch.

Our nursery was in a different wing of the house. / It was a design flaw. / I'm a light sleeper.

I told you, it's a playpen, Moira. / I was hoping you were joking.

Roland and Jocelyn don't think we can take care of a kid. / That's an argument I'm willing to lose.

Remember? 'Not Without My Cousin.' / And Ronnie's TV gets that channel, I told you this, John! / Or at least I'm telling you now.

Yeah, we were there most weeknights. / For at least a couple of hours. / Unless we were out for the evening. / Yeah, or jetting around. / Or if it was a really long day.

You realize the bebe is crying. / I do, yes. / Isn't it scheduled to be dormant by now?

Oh, it was the bebe. I'm so relieved!

They're Tom Ford, John, no! And they wouldn't fit you anyway.

wipe counter-clockwise direction, ah... flip it, if you can flip it. / The baby?

It's not like the old days when we could just call Adelina, and have her rush home from her daughter's wedding.

when my cousin and I begin our backpack through Lebanon.

if it weren't for Joyce Dewitt insisting on wearing those pigtails, this movie could've been a hit! We're supposed to be astrophysicists, it just takes you out of it.

It appears you may need a change yourself, Mr. Rose.

Its body is ejecting things, what did you do to it?!

John, did you feed it shellfish?

For all we know, it's got crawling pneumonia.

I don't want to say I told you so, but this is an infelicitous burden.

Jocelyn's written, 'Spit happens.' / Very clever. / For Jocelyn.

That Adelina was grossly underpaid.

I'm even more convinced that our hands-off approach served them better.

She had a real breakthrough during the denouement. I believe she believed we were cousins.

Oh my gosh, you got little Roland Jr. to sleep? / Oh no, I'm talking about John.

He is a slice of meringue, Jocelyn.

I can actually see myself leaving Roland Jr. With you people more often. / Well, that something Linda might want to massage right out of your mind, the next appointment.

Excuse me, Emilio! Pause. That kind of physical touch is inapprop-ri-rate.

Perhaps you'd like to meet outside of work for a dinner at my place?

When Condi Rice, and Sharon Stone and I, used to make our annual casino sojourn to Ho Chi Minh City, well, let's just say, toi khong bao gio thua.

The pills came from Condi, so if anyone asks, you found them on the floor.

Oh Moira, we don't expect you to have one. One? At least one.

All except Charlie, but every party has a pooper.

we aging mortals are blessed with weakening eyes and memories so we don't have to really see ourselves.

If you love the number 19, you go be 19.

No! Who knew everything would contain chicken? 'Black forest tenders.'

Care to ensconce yourself?

You're being audited? Those bastards!

far more suffonsifying

David, you know the answer! - That's a lot of ovations.

three by demand, and three on the house

Yes, the exact sentiment expressed by the passengers as they stepped aboard the Titanic.

They were having a rip-roaring bash before that bloody iceberg.

Those shoes do not make a sound. - Blame Wang.

1979, you had a Reuben. - No, but never mind.

an artistic cradle robber, I am not

Consider me a silent monarch on the wall.

Oh God, no!

Oh dear.

a foreboding vibration of pre-war Berlin

we all know you put your biggest talent front and centre

I did play Liesl Von Trapp at 50.

Well, humility forbids me from thinking I could become a quadruple threat that easily.

I could become a quadruple threat that easily

some would argue it's even more responsibility than directing

Oh! At 9 a.m. it's a little early for character assassination.

Well, according to the radio, there's a darling little medical clinic in Elm Grove. Where if any one of us, say, you, or your father, participates in a few nugatory tests, we could be bringing in over $200 a week!

Showing up, taking your picture with a motley crew of pale, dewy-faced salamander people.

But there will be a safe word in case the gaggle of asymmetrical faces gets to be too much.

You took me to the Playboy Mansion when I was seven. And you had a wonderful time in the children's grotto.

She only played Grace on 'Touched With Grace' for 37 years. The woman has 17 Emmys for playing a hot-headed nurse who healed people with her sexual touch.

Not now, not yet.

And I want to start the day with my lupanarian Kit Kat Girls!

Missing cues already. No, I'm-I'm simply here to inspire.

You're wondering, are we really going to lay this colossal enterprise upon her tiny shoulders? Yes!

I'm a 100% confident that you will all soon see what I hope I believe I may be seeing in you, Stevie.

Once... Upon... A... Nightmare... My... Captor... Was... Dismembering...

I'm just flowing with your energy, Stevie. Which is good, but... you may require a little scordatura.

One, two. One, two. Two. Two... two, two.

There's that razor sharp wit that landed you the role.

Okay, but we've chatted 30 seconds already, so we'll call it a company four-and-a-half.

If only we needed to fill the role of a Dictaphone!

You should've seen the conditioning Rocky put me through. Our first day consisted of mud runs, and sob therapy!

ballet intensive, perhaps some mittens to curb the nail biting

I promise to enjoy the 60 minutes I'll spend having my deepest tissues palpated

Factor in five minutes for you to use the facilities and we'll be back home by noon

Similar texture but falls apart in emotional complexity

It's the circle of life, John. You've just provided a nice Passover Seder for a family of hawks.

what kind of ailurophobe sends their kitty out to play on such a busy stretch of highway?

So, you and I just innocently witnessed an 18-wheeler barreling down...

My husband struck down your feline with our car.

No, my husband has what's called a feather foot.

The Hammam Spas are notoriously fickle about refunds.

Hm, John, shall I pick you up on the way back? I know how desperate you were for me to have my day of detox.

She's either up, or takin' a leak. / Either way, great progress for Bebe.

Yes, it seems he had taken ill, and stumbled out on the road poor thing, presumably to end it all.

How are we still trapped in this gothic horror show?

Perhaps it's the lack of air, but I believe I saw three or four cats running around since this interrogation began.

No! She likes the Kinky Shoes. / I believe it's Kinky Boots.

I'm her mother! / Yes, well that... / Yes, you are!

Oh! At 9 a.m. it's a little early for character assassination.

And you were both sworn to secrecy, so David is right not to trust you.

Yes, things are certainly racing along at a dangerously rapid velocity.

there's a darling little medical clinic in Elm Grove. Where if any one of us, say, you, or your father, participates in a few nugatory tests, we could be bringing in over $200 a week!

Or, you could make $2,000 in one afternoon.

motley crew of pale, dewy-faced salamander people

You did a commercial for adult diapers! / In Japan! In full-face Kabuki makeup!

But there will be a safe word in case the gaggle of asymmetrical faces gets to be too much.

There is a dark side to Mummy's industry, and I've tried to protect you from it your whole life. / You took me to the Playboy Mansion when I was seven.

And you had a wonderful time in the children's grotto.

Who's Gloria Gregson?! She only played Grace on 'Touched With Grace' for 37 years. The woman has 17 Emmys for playing a hot-headed nurse who healed people with her sexual touch.

you have been awfully clingy of late

I think it might be propitious for you to spend some time with your peers

You employ the wrong font, and you may as well bid Auf Wiedersehen to ticket sales

What the hell?! / I don't-I don't know

skullduggery, when it leads to such thrilling results, a pinch of moral corruption is a small price to pay

I loosened the pickle jar. Derek merely popped the lid

with all the venom of a silkworm

Something the good people at Blockbuster never said about Rose Video

Dobro jutro, my darlings! That, of course, is good morning in... Bosnian. We know!

Okay, have we done something? I'm so confused. What do you want?

Aren't these just the cinnamon buns from the lobby? And wouldn't you know it, they have presented themselves unfolded.

But then you remember my crippling carpal tunnel from all those years of signing cheques.

Oh, it's just a gesture, David! Stop being so literal.

You keep everything inside, like a bashful clam!

John? John, can you hear me? Can you hear me? Try to follow the sound of my voice.

And I include Caroline in that, and I've had that wig for 40-years.

I'll have to keep the pills, but I'm not one who's the health risk here.

I once played a nurse on 'M.A.S.H.'

Well, he did say that there have been some fatal cases... of heartburn.

'Break all your legs' - A well-intentioned, if not slightly misguided sentiment from the Elmdale Arts Council

Well, that seems like poor planning

Moira offering Alexis the publicity job while she's leaving for Galapagos

Well, again, poor planning

Moira Rose Enterprises, how may I direct your call?

Well, yes, my assistant is very busy

What a unanimously disastrous day this is turning out to be!

Moira in full costume pretending she was just dressed in theme to support

I'd ask if you could hold us up more, but I'm not a big fan of rhetorical questions.

you're very, very cool. And whether you set sail, or stay put, that's not going to change.

Moira: No! Nooooo!

John, remind me to reprimand that latch, it's been awfully moody today.

Finally. I'll have the continental breakfast with the fresh-squeezed grapefruit juice. Orange Pekoe tea.

Sadly, I won't be able to squire you for today's wedding venue peregrination.

Take me with you.

David! I've asked you not to over indulge in that smoky cologne, it's enough to give someone a seizure!

Oh, this is not, this is not how I go! Somebody help! Moira!

I'm being annulled by a chancy door clasp!

My babies... My girls. Lorna, second from the left. If she takes on smoke, she'll never recover. And Cindy! Cindy, below her. Cindy, I just gave her a blowout.

How mercurial is life? We all imagine being carried from the ashes by the Goddess Artemis and here I get a balatron from Barnum and Bailey.

I have been gifted a smoke signal and you will never again find me back in the closet.

I don't believe my career has been that kind to me. I all but perished in the name of an unrequited love for an industry that has burned me over and over again.

Oh, I have never needed less.

And I am including that Peruvian ayahuasca retreat we embarked upon with Al and Tipper.

You just remove those vetements, Mr. Rose, I'll be back in the shake of a lamb's rump.

Moira Rose is tech un-avail, she has a life to live.

Oh, John, I can just see you aimlessly wandering through life. Stoic but stymied, not a friend in the world and so very lost.

You could be hit by a Mack truck, or bopped on the head by a tiny piece of space debris!

Oh, well, what would the back end look like on a deal like that? Oh, I see, what an emphatically Kismetic turn of events.

Officer, perhaps we could arrange a plea bargain?

I promise to keep my husband habilimented from now on.

Well, button back up your birthday tux, John, because I've just found out the 'Crows' movie is back in business!

Oh, in other news: your father was arrested for indecent exposure. Ew, I'm eating!

Takeover? That sounds hostile.

I take a slightly more cerebral approach.

an amusement park for clinical narcissists

let's put a beak on that winking cartoon

Ashley Tisdale and I played suffragettes... 'You Go, Girl.'

I believe we've just gone viral.

I think you and I might need to purchase... antibiotics.

It's a little word I assembled to consecrate my fans, who are also my friends.

especially you, 'Wine and Cat Gal 74,' I do hope you stop crying soon.

I would suspect a little trouble in paradise.

I thought that was remedied when you got your new nose.

You're not eating pepperettes in bed again!

David, don't tell me you've had a nighttime oopsie-daisy.

David's nocturnal enuresis used to only happen when he went to bed all juiced up with excited anticipation about something.

Christmas, birthdays, the Ides of March.

And now it seems your impending nuptials has opened the floodgates.

A wonderful teen named CherryBus, she lives in Singapore. Why? Who wants to know?

Miss CherryBus

Precisely why we're involving you in this covert stratagem.

Alexis, what have I told you about putting your body on the internet? Never! Never without proper lighting.

Please tell me it's not a testudine. No, it's a turtle.

Turtles do not pets make. The poor things are riddled with a myriad of diseases. You may as well tie a leash around a raw chicken cutlet.

if you desire a love with longevity, the key is to have as little in common as possible. After an award-worthy trilogy of decades together, your father and I still astonish each other.

Oh, look at you, Robert, with the hides of a herd of Holstein on your back.

This is so exciting! I feel like I'm a Wolf of Wall Street. Good... then let's go get our lamb.

John, were you able to return Bill and Melinda's call today about the hmm hmm-hmm? / Well, you know, Moira, we're not supposed to be discussing investment opportunities at the table, no matter how lucrative they might be. But you know what the Gateses are like - Bill and Melinda.

Perhaps there's an upside to all this, fiscally speaking. Hmm! Oh no, no.

John, it's practically obsidian in here! / You just said close the curtains!

I don't remember any of this...?

It's halted. Someone hit resume. - Just let it buffer.

Oh, this is a no way an optimal viewing experience.

Thanks in large part to the thaumaturgy of our special effects department.

Credit the technical wizardry of our team of imaginators.

What a human beak can do?

though the adulation does appear to be unanimous.

Now there is the quote for the sizzle reel!

Just the look in your eyes sent a chilling, wet gust of raspberries to my face.

Not 'The Love Guru'?

One even tried to mate.

As your publicist, it is my job to optimize a branded approach to real-time engagement with your fanbase through contextual marketing. I hope I'm not paying you by the word.

Oh, sure, for a scrappy little novice, but not for someone who's cut many a crimson rug.

What's next, I sign my name in the pavement outside Bob's Garage? Jocelyn gives you an honourary degree at her school? Host the Met Ga-la at David's store?

Remember that 'Waterworld II' premiere? Exactly, David. Oh, the last place anyone wanted to be when those reviews came in was a glass-bottomed pirate ship in the middle of the ocean.

Good luck though. / Lick rust! Thank you!

Hello, Access Hollywood? Have I got a star sighting for you! Very pawky, Jocelyn.

save yourselves the trip to Frocks4Less. From what I've heard, it's more of a minor league viewing party.

Well, that's hyperbolic. I mean, they already had 'fun' and now they've added 'good.'

We were resolute about not making an issues movie, but I'm glad they picked up on that.

Moira Rose, as Dr. Clara Mandrake, is delightfully unhinged. / Do you know what they call this, gals? An understated rave.

Well, you might want to tell your friend Janet that there just may be a bombshell attendee after all.

Oh, but do pack eyedrops! The film's first third is densely packed with exposition, and you won't want to blink.

Oh, it's actually best. A lot of this film blatantly contradicts what's been established in the first two.

Oh, it's barely noticeable, dear. We'll find you an electrologist.

When Demi decided on a Friday night at 6pm that she wanted to celebrate her 40th in Aspen, her publicist had us in parkas by 7. Sadly, Megan went into cardiac arrest on the flight, but she perished doing what she loved.

That was mine. I've been looking for that. / Blame UPS.

Let the crowening commence!

'The Crows Have Eyes III: The Crowening!'

I know a bit of their language. CAW! CAW-CAW!

and one severed earlobe

It is?! (Laughs excitedly)

This whole PR coup d'état never would've happened without her

Poor dear's not mic'd

The Daily Mail called it a 'flap for the ages!'

Not those - those are from Joyce Dewitt

they'll likely be dead in a week

What other hand? - Ted!

Who is she and how do we get a mouth full of her?

Moira's entrance: 'What do we have here? I seem to have stumbled into some sort of gentlemen's cavern.'

The 'Moira Rosé' pun and David's deadpan reaction

They should call it a... a Moira Rosé. [Chuckles] - Yes, that's what he has in mind.

'Spines tend to liquidate in the presence of success'

[Quietly] ERT-linger. ERT. LINGER. - Herb Ertlinger. - Nailed it first try.

Moira's reaction to wine label: 'Well, hello! Who is she and how do we get a mouthful of her?!'

Wine tasting disaster - 'tastes like Amoxicillin' and 'burning my throat'

'I have had worst things in my mouth'

This feels remarkably selfless. - You and Patrick are two good grapes.

'Our designated grapes!' when Johnny arrives

I am offering a major apology if that'll help.

They're cuticle shears, John. Do you expect hedge clippers to be drawn from my purse?

I think I need to lie down, that blindfold was quite taut.

I'm reminded John of Shanghai and our Party Secretary Suite with its own aquarium, I'd lay in a claw foot tub watching the orcas.

At Rose Video, he made me purchase the blue-ray of my gritty feminist police drama, 'Miranda Rights'.

Oh, be careful, John, lest you suffer vertigo from the dizzying heights of your moral ground.

Well, I'm sorry I'm not an alchemist, John

it's like trying to force oneself through the eye of a needle.

Yes, in the same way road crustations are known to make due in old soda cans.

Best to leave the voice work to me when setting a mood.

The man's from Boston. - John! - Coming Moira And FDR said that.

We were just having the most stimulating conversation about you... ganda! Ugandan... politics.

I say, bravo, Alexis. Fling forward!

Our Lexi is making some wonderful choices.

Either a flock of poultry has delivered its ova mid-flight upon our car, or I've become the victim of a vandalization!

Stevie, you are blessed with anonymity, and thus will never have to know the crippling fear that accompanies global repute.

After my first centerfold with Soap Opera Digest, a deranged fan deposited locks of hair into my glove compartment.

As of now, you are my star witness. And sit low, no point endangering both our lives.

Stevie, you are blessed with anonymity, and thus will never have to know the crippling fear that accompanies global repute.

You describe the town as, and I quote, 'the last place you'd ever wanna end up.' - Oh no, I described the town as the last place I'd ever want to end up.

I specifically commended your ever-beating heart, and your elephantine generosity.

Please know that I believe, deep down, there are worse places to be. Like in your shoes right now.

As soon as one of you details my car.

I'll have the Miso Black Cod, please. - We don't have that. - You mean, you're sold out, is more like it!

You mean, you're sold out, is more like it!

No noisy customers or busy cash registers here, to intrude upon your inner cogitations. - It's-it's not usually this quiet. - Oh, it's always nice and quiet here.

Thank you for having us. - John, no.

If heaven had a creek, it would be this one.

Look at you, John, doling out gift after gift this morning like the Turkish Saint Nikolaas.

Tippy always had his fingers in a few fires.

Oh, you're looking so natural and peppy. / A bit of a rough night actually. / Well, you're fooling everyone, dear.

Take the pills, Vivian. / A 'please' might be nice!

Oh, suddenly she's the director.

Well, I feel like your publicist should be there if you're meeting with Tickle Bernstein. / Tippy. It's Tippy

You're looking fresh and dewy. / Gave up the drink. Strictly a wine and scotch man now.

Well, the writers insisted it was symbolic.

Adriana had that DUI last year. Popped a breasts, poor dear

Perhaps a little more housework and little less mouse work might do you some good, Alexis.

It was even more vicious than Vivian's getting trampled while honeymooning in Pamplona.

But on the condition that Clifton be written off the show - death of my choosing. And I asked for more money. / And a diamond tennis bracelet.

I made them an offer they had to refuse.

Dramatic effect. Symbolism.

when one door closes, the floodgates open

Radio, yes. Voiceover work is every actor's dream.

you're not waiting on a famous person. She's already arrived!

Jo Foster once screened it for me privately and I would like to keep that memory safe.

Well, there'll be nothing flat about my performance.

Oh, that's a touch uninspired. Alexis?

Don't worry, I'm also in the Guild.

You can use my phone, John! / You still have your phone?! / We all have our phones!

I have something... / Hi, just reminding you that you can't bail on the escape room thing, even though all of us want... / I actually wanna hear that one.

with his pecuniary savvy and intrepidation has turned what began as a katzenjammer of a day

Help? - I said support, dear.

He looks the same age as the day I met him. - Oh, I'm sure he's just as handsome as he's ever been.

Rollie, there's mints in your pocket, there was a lot of onions in the omelette.

Goodbye, my conquistadors! We are all relying on you... No! We're cheering you on!

You see a few cherished items being neatly folded into a piece of luggage and you immediately leap to conclusions.

God forbid I find myself once again being forcefully evacuated and given no time to do a thorough sweep.

Alexis, let's not count our poultry before it's incubated

Oh gals! You shouldn't have. - Jocelyn, are we now moonlighting as town crier? - Oh, no, Moira... - Cheeky gawpus you.

Our husbands, at my husband's direction, are currently in New York City, vending their business to the corporate cognizant.

Hence our impending move to the Big Red Delicious.

Grace! Our timorous grinagog. I think I'll miss you most of all.

It looks like three cartoon heads exploding. - Well, then they're blowing people's minds. What's the concern?

The deal has to happen. Because it has to. Because there is no alternative. Okay? It's as simple as that.

To Whom It May Concern: There's a man out there, my husband, he's out there trying to build back what we've lost. And... I'm sorry; 5'10', slow talker...

John, we're here for you. Oh, Alexis your hands as dry as an autumn leaf. - Eww.

We only have Zampagne. - Zampagne for all!

Don't tell me you're having lunch with Bev - After all this. - Imagine? No, I amputated those people years ago.

But bev and her big bazoo will get the word out quicker than any group memorandum.

Ah, now that's a framer. You just deleted it.

Do I detect a scintilla of lavender? Isn't it funny how the air suddenly smells sweeter now that you know we're leaving.

Worry is but undernourished enthusiasm.

Oh, that photo of me sunbathing atop a giant VHS tape, was a staple of Times Square for a whole season.

A clangorous, vociferous yes.

When forced to choose between Clifton and myself, they decided mine was the bigger name.

No, there are 30 diamonds on that thing.

Well, aren't you a wolf pack by which any gal would be so lucky to be protected.

wolf pups are born blind and deaf, And in your care I have learned to see and hear the beauty in the bucolic.

Oh no. No. Let's not turn this into a hallmark movie of the week. I've done enough of those for a lifetime. Okay?

I don't think you can afford my quote anymore.

I don't think you can afford my quote anymore.

I don't think you can afford my quote anymore. Just saying it out loud makes it so real.

You take that ember of independence and you keep it burning. Because you, my darling, are destined to be on fire!

September 3rd. That's my wedding day. And we're tied to the third? - Oh Moira... - Am I tied to the third?

It's just worth noting that the lie-flat seats were only on the evening flight.

What happened? Who died? - Who died? Did Patrick die? No, Patrick didn't die, David. Then why did you startle me awake like this? My mind went straight to some kind of unthinkable tragedy.

Well, the day did have a slight singultus - What is she talking about? - A hiccup.

Oh my God. To where? Bob's Garage? No, his roof was no match for the cumulus clouds.

What kind of adult man rides a penny-farthing? He's a haikuist!

A part of me feels like... I'm almost glad that we lost the money. Well, I'm happy you and your feeling are so well acquainted.

But you wouldn't be the first hostage to fall in love with their captor.

- Boop. - Oh.

There's a time and place for sentimentality, and your only son's wedding day is hardly the moment.

Yes, just as sweet as the liqueur wafting off your breath. I also didn't go to bed last night.

Make sure the girls are shipped in a... - Temperature controlled - Temperature controlled - cargo container. Aha. - Cargo container. Aha.