The Candidate

Moira:Well, you know what they say: never assume, because it makes an ass out of you and... me, I suppose, in this instance. Though I prefer the French version: 'assumer' — it's far more elegant.

Moira:Absolutely not. I am not going to sit around a table with a bunch of small-town bureaucrats and pretend to care about zoning permits and septic tank regulations. I have a reputation to maintain.

Moira:This town is so... so...

Johnny:Mom, don't.

Moira:...quaint.

Johnny:Oh thank God.

Twyla:But Mrs. Rose, you'd be so good at it. You're so organized, and you have great ideas about things.

Twyla:Plus, my tarot cards said that someone close to me would be in a position of power soon.

Twyla:I just assumed it was you.

David:What is this? What is all of this?

Alexis:Oh my God, are those my clothes?

David:Your clothes are under my bed? Under MY bed, Alexis. Do you understand what you've done? Do you have any idea what this means?

Alexis:That I needed storage?

David:It means that my entire life has been a lie. That everything I thought I knew about my personal space, about boundaries, about the sanctity of my own bedroom — it's all been compromised. I'm going to need to sit down.

David:Alexis, there are wet towels on the bedroom floor. Again. Do you know what happens to hardwood when it's exposed to moisture? It warps. It buckles. It essentially gives up on life.

David:And these shoes—these are Louboutins, are they not? Yes. They're worth more than our first house, and you've just... abandoned them here like some sort of sad, red-soled monument to your complete lack of regard for anything.

David:You know what? I don't even care about the shoes anymore. I care about what this says about you as a person. About us as a family. About the trajectory of Western civilization.

David:Why are all your clothes wet?

Alexis:Oh, I was at the spa and I may have accidentally fallen into the hot tub.

David:May have?

Alexis:Okay, I definitely fell in. But David, I'm not entirely sure it was water.

David:Wait, so you don't know anything about Twyla? At all?

Alexis:No, like, we work together, but I don't really know her.

David:Oh my God. Oh my God, okay. She's a serial killer. Twyla's a serial killer.

Alexis:What? No, she's not.

David:Well, you just said you don't know anything about her! That's exactly what someone would say if their coworker was a serial killer!

Alexis:David, Twyla and I have tea together every single day. That's what best friends do.

David:Alexis, you pay her to work here.

David:I'm not judging.

Alexis:David, your face is literally doing a judgement.

Johnny:Ray's seat is up for grabs.

Bob:I heard what you said.

Johnny:We'll be working very closely together. In fact, I'd say we'll be practically joined at the hip.

Bob:Well, that's... that's the idea, yes.

Johnny:Two men, one space, sharing everything. It'll be like we're married.

Bob:I... okay.

Johnny:Well, I think that's... that's wonderful. I'm very happy for you.

Johnny:And I should probably get going. I have a very important... thing.

Johnny:Goodbye.

Alexis:Wait, so you're the reason Mutt and I broke up?

Twyla:Well, he came into the café one day and he was really upset about you moving to the city, and I just... I listened to him. And we talked. And then we started seeing each other.

Alexis:Twyla! You can't just date someone right after they break up with me!

Twyla:I know, I'm sorry. But we're actually really happy together now.

Alexis:Oh my God.

Alexis:The irony of this advice coming from someone desperately trying to avoid being alone

Alexis:I'm totally fine being alone. I don't need anyone.

Alexis:Twyla! Wait! Twyla, come back!

Roland:Yeah, well, my hemorrhoids have been acting up again, so I'll have to call you back.

Johnny:Roland, I didn't need to know that.

Roland:Oh, come on, Johnny. We're friends. You can't keep these things bottled up inside.

Johnny:I'd like to get some nomination forms.

Roland:Oh, nomination forms? Well, that's great, Johnny. That's really great. You know, I think you've got a real shot at this thing.

Johnny:Really?

Roland:No, not at all. But I admire the confidence.

Roland:The second largest? Well, that just means you're the first to lose.

Johnny:In a town this size, there is no privacy in politics. Or anywhere else, for that matter.

Johnny:Well, that's very sweet, Roland. Although, I have to say, taking your son for ice cream doesn't really qualify as parenting. That's just... bribery with dairy.

Johnny:Is that your signature?

Roland:Yeah, that's my signature.

Johnny:It's just a line.

Roland:Yeah, well, a line's a signature.

David:So what's your plan to get laid?

Alexis:Well, I'm thinking someone who's attractive, but not so attractive that they know they're attractive. Someone with a good job, but not so good that they don't have time for me. And ideally someone who's never seen me in a bad light, which means I basically have to find someone who's never seen me.

Alexis:People would think we're together.

David:Well, that's a fate worse than death.

Alexis:Oh please, you'd be so lucky.

David:Lucky? I'd rather date a mannequin.

Alexis:At least a mannequin has better taste in clothes.

David:Says the woman who wore a swimsuit to a funeral.

Johnny:There's been a rumor going around about me.

Moira:Oh my God, Johnny. It's 2020. Who cares if you're gay?

Johnny:I'm not gay. It's about the town council.

Moira:Oh. Well, that's much worse.

Moira:Well, I think what's happened here is you've suffered a minor stroke.

Moira:Working with the town council is like trying to apply winged eyeliner in a hurricane while someone's actively criticizing your technique.

Stevie:Are you waiting for someone?

Alexis:No, I just wanted some alone time.

Stevie:You're sitting at the bar.

Alexis:Alone time where people can see me.

Alexis:I mean, Stevie is a really strong, independent woman. She doesn't need a man to validate her.

David:Unlike some people.

Alexis:Oh, please. I dated you for like three weeks.

Stevie:Well, I mean, he was.

Stevie:I'm not antisocial, I'm just... selective about who I spend my time with.

Alexis:Right, but like, you don't spend time with anyone.

Stevie:Exactly. I'm very selective.

Jocelyn:I know winning by default isn't exactly exciting, but I'm still very enthusiastic about it.

Jocelyn:Moira, honey, I love you, but the town doesn't really know you. You've been here for what, five years? And most people still think you're a little... strange.

Moira:Strange? I'm eccentric. There's a difference.

Jocelyn:Right, well, most of the town just calls it 'that woman who wears the big wigs.'

Moira:Well, I think it's wonderful that you're encouraging more people to run. It's very... charitable of you. After all, not everyone can be naturally gifted at it. Some people just need the extra motivation, you know? Though I suppose if we're being honest, some of those people probably shouldn't be running in public. But that's very altruistic of you to give them false hope.

Alexis:On a scale of 1 to 10, how much danger is this outfit in?

David:I'd say a solid 8.

Alexis:David, you can't go to a sketchy bar without me. Dangerous situations are literally my specialty.

Alexis:If you're ever in a sketchy bar and someone tries to kidnap you, you have to go for the eyes first. Then you scream really loud so people know you're being kidnapped and not just, like, having a bad time.

David:That's... oddly specific.

Alexis:I've been kidnapped twice.

Moira:Well, this is it. This is how democracy dies.

Johnny:Moira, they're both on the town council.

Moira:Yes, and now we're living in a Mad Max film, but with more cardigan sweaters and a Costco membership.

Moira:I'm worried that Roland and Jocelyn are going to control the entire town council.

Johnny:They already do. They control everything.

Moira:Well, Jocelyn suggested it. She said, 'You'd make a great town council member.' I mean, at first I thought she was just being nice, but then I realized she was clearly manipulating me into running.

Johnny:Moira, that's... that's not manipulation. That's a compliment.

Moira:Oh, is it? Because to me it sounded like psychological warfare wrapped in a cashmere cardigan.

Johnny:Well, that's... that's wonderful. I'm very happy for you. Very happy.

Johnny:I mean, I was going to run, but you know, your timing is impeccable as always.

Johnny:No, no, I'm kidding. This is great. This is really great. You're going to be fantastic.

Johnny:Probably better than I would have been anyway.

Stevie:You know, it's weird. The bar's been completely dead all night. Then David walked in and... nothing changed.

Stevie:79 miles? That's like, what, a six-hour drive? By the time you get there, you'll hate them.

Stevie:Oh, 79 miles? That's basically next door. You should definitely make the drive. What's 79 miles? That's like, what, ten minutes?

David:It's not ten minutes, Stevie.

Stevie:I know it's not ten minutes, David. I was being sarcastic. But seriously, you should go. Love is worth the drive. You could make it a road trip. Stop for snacks, listen to some music, really enjoy the journey.

David:This is a nightmare. There's no one here.

Stevie:Well, it's a Tuesday night at a small-town bar. What were you expecting?

David:I don't know, someone age-appropriate? Someone who doesn't have a reverse mortgage?

David:Well, the good news is someone woke up.

Stevie:We could shoot some pool.

David:I'm not familiar with that game.

Stevie:It's billiards. You use a cue stick.

David:I don't take requests.

Alexis:They have these checkpoints in Johannesburg, right? And they're like... they're basically just like a Wendy's drive-thru, except instead of a Frosty, they give you a gun to the head.

Alexis Rose:Alexis: 'Totally.' — after Stevie explains she prefers being alone to meaningless conversation

Moira Rose · Jocelyn Schitt:Moira interrupts Jocelyn's council announcement to make it about herself — 'I certainly know how to command a crowd'

Jocelyn Schitt:Jocelyn: 'I'm currently running unopposed. So that kinda takes away the excitement of winning, you know, but still, I think it's gonna be a real hoot.'

Moira Rose:Moira: 'So Jocelyn, good for you. Taking on a new little project.'

Jocelyn Schitt:Jocelyn: 'She's not interested in politics!' — cutting off Moira before she can talk herself into running publicly

Moira Rose:Moira: 'Although I can see why someone might think that. I certainly know how to command a crowd, and I've never been one to shy away from a good fight.'

Jocelyn Schitt:Jocelyn: 'Yeah, a real election race could be fun!' — completely missing that Moira is about to challenge her

Moira Rose:Moira: 'If Jocelyn can do it, anyone can.'

David Rose · Alexis Rose:David to Alexis: 'On a scale of one to I'm-gonna-get-beat-up by-an-angry-local, where do we see this look fall?' / Alexis: 'Um, like, easy six.'

Alexis Rose:Alexis's elaborately reasonable justification for why SHE should be at a sketchy bar meeting randoms, culminating in 'I'm the one who should go missing!'

Alexis Rose:Alexis: 'Well, for one thing, this mask doesn't come off for another twenty minutes.' — why she can't go to the bar

David Rose:David's duct-tape escape tip: 'Oh, and in case you wake up in a chair with your hands duct taped together, you can snap the duct tape by just raising your hands over your head, and then bringing them down really hard.'

Alexis Rose · David Rose:Alexis: 'Thanks. Um... see you there?' / David: 'I'm not coming.'

John Rose · Moira Rose:John: 'Did you know Jocelyn is running?' / Moira: 'No, oh my God! This gets better and better.'

John · Moira:John and Moira bonding over the horror of Roland and Jocelyn having 'a virtual monopoly on this town'

John Rose · Moira Rose:John: 'Is there a more frightening thought?' / Moira: 'Well, don't they already?' / John: 'Exactly, I think someone needs to challenge them!' / Moira: 'Right!' — the ping-pong negotiation

Moira Rose:Moira: 'John, you have the family to think about. You're going to accomplish wonderfully big things. Town council would just hold you back. But something tells me it will not be... holding you back?'

Moira Rose:Moira: 'Jocelyn practically begged me to take the bait!' — her justification for entering the race

Moira · John:'Looks like it.' / 'Oh well, isn't that wonderful!' / 'Isn't that wonderful!'

John Rose:John: 'No, listen as long as one of us is running, okay? That's the important thing. It doesn't matter which one of us is running. I thought it would be me, but then you talked me out of it! But that's okay!'

John Rose · Moira Rose:Moira: 'Please John, I'm going to need you every step of the way.' / John: 'And I'll be right behind you Moira, supporting you, because... you're the one running, and I'm not!'

David Rose · Stevie Budd:Bar scene: 'It's not usually this dead.' / Stevie: 'It's like everybody saw you coming, and left.'

David Rose · Stevie Budd:David's dating app match: '79 miles away.' / Stevie: 'Well, if you start walking now, you'll get there before breakfast.'

David Rose:David: 'Alexis is supposed to be meeting us here. She said she wasn't coming, but this is a bar, and she is single, so.'

Stevie Budd:Stevie: 'Well, you should warn her that we are the only people here under sixty.'

David Rose · Stevie Budd:David and Stevie's silent, synchronized rejection: 'Nope.' / 'No!' / 'No, it didn't feel right.' / 'No, it didn't.'

David Rose:David noticing the man is 'no longer sleeping under the pool table'

Stevie Budd:Stevie: 'Well, I'm surprisingly good at pool.' — as an explanation of why the man moved from under the table

David Rose · Stevie Budd:David: 'Wait a second, is this like a reverse hustle, where you say you're good, but you're actually terrible?' / Stevie: 'I don't know. Do you wanna break?' / David: 'Um, from what?' / Stevie: 'Oh, this is gonna be fun.'

David Rose · Alexis Rose:David: 'Don't, David.' / 'I have nowhere else to put stuff.' — Alexis has shown up at the bar and is trying to stuff her things under the pool table where David is playing

Alexis:'Don't, David. I have nowhere else to put stuff.'

Alexis Rose:Alexis: 'It's just a checkpoint. Okay, I've been through tons of these in Johannesburg. It's like a drive-thru, except everybody has a gun.'

David Rose · Alexis Rose:David: 'When were you in Johannesburg?' / Alexis: 'I remember I'd just got my braces off, so...' / David: 'You were 14, in South Africa?'