The Candidate

Never assume, dear, It makes an ass out of both of us.

I'd sooner poke my eyes out with hat pins.

What's the word I'm trying to think of? / Well, let's hope we don't find it, okay?

Are we ready to order, councilor?

It's just temporary storage, David. / Look at your things. Look at your life!

Look at your things. Look at your life!

I wasn't drinking water. / Okay, so maybe it was mine, what difference does it make?

She could be a serial killer.

That she serves you... at the cafe. / Because we're friends.

Stop doing that with your face!

I could say something pretty inappropriate right now. / Well, I'm hoping you don't. / No, but I could, that's a real set up.

If I didn't know any better, I might think you had a crush on me! / Well, that's... That's funny.

Okay, gotta go, Bob.

Since you did tell me to break up with him, and then you dated him...

if you can't be by yourself, then you probably shouldn't be in a relationship.

Twy? Call me if you get off work early!

I just had to reschedule my colonoscopy.

It takes a brave man to face defeat yet again, when his ego is so battered and bruised.

Well, that's good to hear, so you're used to coming in second, huh?

Well, everyone knows everyone here, because there's only one restaurant.

Well, your son is 30, and you never see him.

You signed under 'Date.' / Yeah, like that's going to make a difference.

she is going to a bar to have her needs met by some lovely gentleman she's yet to meet, who is cute enough to sleep with, but not nearly mature or stable enough to marry.

'Cause everyone will think we're together. / Okay, I think you're giving yourself a lot of credit. / I was being generous.

I heard that one, it's only because you converse with women easily, and you dress so well.

If this continues, I'll have to call a neurologist.

Trying to council to focus on the simplest thing is like... wrangling monkeys!

No, I'm just taking some 'me time.'

Like, I know you dated David, but everyone's allowed a mistake, am I right?

You sound like my conscience.

I would rather be here by myself than engage in meaningless conversation with people I don't care about.

I'm currently running unopposed. So that kinda takes away the excitement of winning, you know, but still, I think it's gonna be a real hoot.

just because you've spent all your time trying to sell the town and get outta here, so.

If Jocelyn can do it, anyone can.

Um, like, easy six.

I'm the one who should be at a sketchy bar meeting randoms. I'm the one who should go missing!

you can snap the duct tape by just raising your hands over your head, and then bringing them down really hard.

So the two of them on council together? / Is there a more frightening thought?

They would have a virtual monopoly on this town. / Well, don't they already?

Jocelyn practically begged me to take the bait!

I thought it would be me, but then you talked me out of it! But that's okay!

It's like everybody saw you coming, and left.

Well, if you start walking now, you'll get there before breakfast.

Well, if you start walking now, you'll get there before breakfast.

we are the only people here under sixty.

I notice that man is no longer sleeping under the pool table.

Do you wanna break? / Um, from what?

It's like a drive-thru, except everybody has a gun.