The Wall

Leslie:Ron, I am so excited to plan the baby shower! We're going to have games, decorations, tiny little appetizers shaped like baby carriages...

Ron:Leslie. No. Absolutely not. I will not participate in this feminine celebration ritual. Baby showers are a violation of everything I stand for.

Leslie:Ron, it's just a party to celebrate the baby.

Ron:It's a trap. A coordinated assault of pastel colors and forced sentimentality designed to extract emotions from grown men. I'd rather sit alone in a dark room eating breakfast food.

Leslie:I'm going to make an astronaut onesie. Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god! It's going to have a big helmet and little rocket boosters on the feet and—Ben, Ben, look at this! We're going to be the cutest astronauts in the whole universe! I'm going to bedazzle the helmet!

Leslie:Oh my God, Ron, is that a baby?

Ron:Yes.

Leslie:Whose baby is that?

Ron:Mine.

Leslie:Ron has a baby! Ron has a baby! Ron has a baby!

Ron:Leslie, I asked you not to—

Leslie:Everyone! Ron Swanson has a baby!

Ron:I'd like to introduce you all to my son. However, I must warn you that this information is classified. If I tell you his name, I will have to kill you.

Ron:I was born on a farm upstate. My parents were very private people. I don't really like to talk about my childhood.

Ron:I'm naming him Ramsett. He's antisocial and withdrawn. He hates people. He looks angry at the world.

Leslie:Ron, he's a baby. He can't hate people.

Ron:Not yet. But he will. He'll learn. I'm going to teach him.

Leslie:Ron, why didn't you tell me about the baby?

Ron:I didn't think it was relevant.

Leslie:Oh my God, I forgot to send Diane a wedding gift!

Leslie:She probably thinks I don't care about her. She's probably telling everyone at work that I'm a terrible friend. Her mom is definitely disappointed in me. Diane's definitely disappointed. Her dog is disappointed.

Leslie:Ron, I need to give gifts to everyone at the office. Do you know how many people that is? It's like forty people!

Ron:Leslie, you're spiraling. Sit. Good girl. Here's a treat.

Leslie:Ron, I'm not a dog.

Ron:That's what the dog would say.

Ron:I need to buy some fish food.

Leslie:Fish food? Ron, do you have fish?

Ron:Several.

Leslie:Several? How many is several?

Ron:I've stopped counting after twelve.

Leslie Knope:Orin could be our headliner! He does experimental performance art.

Ben Wyatt:What kind of performance art?

Leslie Knope:Well, last week he spent three hours lying in a bathtub fully clothed, screaming about government bureaucracy while covered in mayonnaise.

Ben Wyatt:What did the newspaper say about it?

Leslie Knope:The review just said 'Why?'

Craig:We had a signup for the art tent. One guy wanted to display his work. I asked him what kind of art. He said, 'I create installations that challenge the bourgeois construct of reality.' So I told him we don't have room and he should leave.

Leslie:I'm organizing a unity concert to bring the whole town together. My goal is to create an event so inclusive and non-partisan that literally no one can complain about it.

Leslie:If we can get through one evening without a single person tweeting something negative, I will consider this the greatest political achievement in the history of human civilization.

Leslie:Look, I know 'tolerance' sounds bad, but in politics, it's actually a huge compliment.

Leslie:It means, 'I don't think you're going to destroy everything.'

Tom:I'm about to say something that will blow your mind. Are you ready? Because this is big. This is really big. Like, career-defining big.

Tom:You know how when you're driving down the highway at night, and suddenly you see this massive billboard lit up? And it's so bright and so unexpected that you have to shield your eyes? That's what you just did to my brain. You are that billboard. Except instead of advertising beer or car insurance, you're advertising pure excellence.

Tom:Grant Larson is basically the Ryan Gosling of municipal government.

Leslie:Tom, Grant Larson looks nothing like Ryan Gosling.

Tom:Well, not anymore. Ryan Gosling's aged really well.

Leslie:Ben is like... like the peanut butter to my jelly.

Leslie:No wait, he's like the Ross to my Rachel.

Leslie:He's like the Mulder to my Scully.

Leslie:He's like the Moonlight Sonata to my... Moonlight Concerto.

Leslie:You know what? He's just Ben. I can't explain it.

Leslie:We're here to celebrate an arbitrary milestone. Today marks the 47th consecutive day that I have arrived at work on time.

Leslie:I'd like to thank my alarm clock, my car, and my unwavering commitment to municipal excellence.

Leslie:This unity concert is going to be the biggest event of 2014.

Leslie:By the way, your hair looks amazing today.

Tom:Ben, you're being a real Donna right now.

Ben:What does that even mean?

Tom:I don't know, but it's not a compliment. You're all up in my business about my responsibilities.

Ben:That's literally my job. I'm the Deputy Director.

Tom:Well, I'm the Deputy Deputy Director of not caring what you think.

Ben:You said you valued my business skills.

Ben:But the more important fact is that I'm in charge.

Leslie:Look at this adorable little onesie I got for the baby! It says 'Department of Parks and Recreation' on it.

Leslie:I had it custom made. I wanted the baby to start learning about proper government organization from day one.

Leslie:I'm going to crowd surf at the press conference. Ben, help me practice by throwing me in the air repeatedly.

Ben:Leslie, no. That's not appropriate for a government announcement.

Leslie:Ben, I've seen it work at concerts. How is this different?

Ben:Because one involves music and a crowd that wants to be there, and the other involves city officials and a potential lawsuit.

Leslie:You're thinking about this all wrong. This is going to blow people's minds.

April:Where are you going to stand?

Leslie:Right here by the unity wall.

April:Oh no.

Leslie:What?

April:You might want to look at it first.

Leslie:Why would I— oh my God!

Leslie:I spent all weekend removing graffiti from the park. All of it. Every single tag.

Ron:That's admirable.

Leslie:Thank you, Ron. I really think we can keep it clean if—

Tom:Uh, Leslie? There's new graffiti on the bathroom door.

Leslie:What? I just— that was— NO!

Leslie:Do you know what I saw today? Someone spray-painted over the American flag mural on Fifth and Main. They turned the eagle into... I can't even say it. It's an obscenity. A bald eagle! Our national bird! Desecrated!

Leslie:This is unacceptable. Someone drew an offensive eagle on the community center wall.

April:Why don't you just highlight it? Make it a teaching moment. Add some flowers around it, maybe a inspirational quote.

Leslie:April, that's... actually that might work.

Andy:Oh yeah!

Andy:Wait, that didn't work.

Ron:Finding paradise is a place without government work.

Tom:This product is completely unisex. Look, it comes in purple!

Tom:And the cartoon character on the box? Sure, she's got a bow in her hair and long eyelashes, but that doesn't mean it's just for girls.

Tom:Guys can wear bows. Guys can have eyelashes. It's 2014, people.

Tom:I've got ideas for days. I'm like a idea factory, except the factory is also an idea, and the ideas coming out of the factory are ideas about factories that make ideas.

Tom:Ben, my man, I need your help with something. You're not smart, but you're like, organized-smart, you know? Like a smart person's filing cabinet.

Ben:That's not a compliment, Tom.

Tom:I know, but I need you anyway.

City Council Member:Where's the food you promised us?

Leslie:Oh! Yes, about that. I have some complimentary packets of Equal and a half-empty jar of garlic powder. You're welcome.

City Council Member:That's not food.

Leslie:It's a condiment situation. Work with me here. Meeting adjourned!

Leslie Knope:Everyone, please remain calm. The wall breaking ceremony is proceeding exactly as planned.

Ben Wyatt:Leslie, there are bees everywhere!

Leslie Knope:Those weren't on the schedule.

Ron Swanson:I specifically requested a bee-free zone.

April Ludgate:This is the best day ever.

Tom Haverford:Treat yo self... to a bee sting! No, that doesn't work!

Jerry Gergich:I'm allergic! Why is this happening to me?

Pawnee Resident:Wait, wait, wait! Someone get this on video! This is going to be huge on TikTok!

Man:Don't worry, I've been stung by bees before. I'm immune now.

Girlfriend:That's not how immunity works.

Man:Sure it is. I got stung last summer, and I didn't die. So now my body knows how to handle it.

Girlfriend:You're going to get us both killed.

Leslie:The one Pawnee resident who got stung? Ben Wyatt. Poetic justice.

Reporter:So you're saying you had nothing to do with the bee incident?

Leslie Knope:That's right. I would never prank anyone with bees.

Reporter:But you do have bees? Like, a lot of bees?

Leslie Knope:What? No! Why would I have bees?

Reporter:So the bees everywhere are just a coincidence?

Leslie:We need to reschedule the meeting. How about Thursday at 2?

Parks Department Employee:That doesn't work. I have to inspect the bee hole.

Leslie:The bee hole? We could do it in the bee hole.

Parks Department Employee:Um... okay.

Leslie:I mean, if you're already going to be in the bee hole, we might as well have the meeting there. In the bee hole.

Ron Swanson:I'm not worried. My son was exposed to construction noise in the womb. It toughened him up.

Tom:Okay, okay, okay. So I'm thinking we take those fancy MRI machines, right? The ones that cost like two million dollars?

Tom:And we turn them into tanning beds. High-tech tanning beds. We call it 'MRI Tan.'

Tom:People want to look good AND know what their spleen looks like. It's a win-win.

Tom:We're targeting an underserved demographic: people who eat crackers. It's a $47 billion industry.

Leslie:Tom, that's just... everyone eats crackers.

Tom:Exactly. We're being very specific about our market.

Ben:According to this article in Business Monthly, the top business risks are overexpansion, poor management, and—

Ben:Oh no. Business Monthly just went out of business.

Ben:You should have some solid business ideas by now.

Tom:I'm not that old!

Ben:Tom, I've been thinking about getting into the dry cleaning chemical business. It's actually a really underrated industry with huge profit margins.

Tom:That sounds... great, man.

Ben:You don't sound excited.

Tom:No, I am. Dry cleaning chemicals. That's... that's the dream.

Ben:Yeah, okay. You're right. It's not that exciting.

Leslie:I can't believe that reporter is here. This is huge for Pawnee.

April:You just whispered that and now you're yelling.

Leslie:I'm excited!

April:Your volume control is like a broken dimmer switch.

Craig:I don't do well with conflict. Last Thanksgiving, I had to choose between my family and my principles, and let's just say the cops sided with my family.

Construction Foreman:This job is going to take six to eight weeks.

Ron:Why don't you fellas take a break? Relax. I'll do the work.

Ron:You can take all the credit.

Ben:Did you know that phosphate pricing has increased 340% in the last five years?

Tom:Yeah, I did know that. Because you told me. While I was being slowly buried alive in a box of dirt.

Jeremy:Did you get a lot of gifts when you were in the hospital?

Leslie:Oh, I got flowers, balloons, a casserole, get-well cards from half the department.

Jeremy:That's nice.

Leslie:You know what you're not getting? Sympathy. Because you've been really cruel to me.

Mike Patterson:Leslie Knope showed up at Ramsett Hospital today, ostensibly to visit an injured constituent. But was she really there to help? Or was she there to exploit this tragedy for her own political gain?

Mike Patterson:We'll have more on this story as it develops.

April:Why are you wearing a tie-dye shirt?

Leslie:I'm using a distraction technique. While everyone's looking at my shirt, I can get work done.

April:That's not how that works.

Leslie:Well, it's working right now because you're distracted by my shirt.

April:I have some good news.

April:Just kidding. I wanted to give you hope before I crushed it with bad news.

Leslie:You know, I think of challenges like clouds. They're big and scary, but the sun is always behind them, and eventually they drift away.

Leslie:That's actually just a cloud of bird poop that fell on my windshield this morning.

Tom:Ben! BEN! Why would you give me the wrong materials for my presentation?

Ben:I didn't give you anything, Tom. You asked for those yourself.

Tom:Well, can you help me fix this?

Mike Patterson:You heard it here first. Self-proclaimed dumbass Leslie Knope and councilman Jeremy Jamm are spearheading a Pawnee secession movement.

Tom:We're gonna serve brunch items, but we're gonna call them 'breakfast for dinner.' No wait, that's already a thing. Okay, how about 'brinner'?

Mitch:I like that. Brinner.

Tom:Right? It's like breakfast had a baby with dinner, and that baby is brinner.

Mitch:That's genius. I'm in. Let's do brinner.

Mitch:I have to give all the credit to Tom. He really knows his stuff when it comes to business.

Ben:Wait, what? I did all the work on this project.

Mitch:Right, but Tom was there too.

Ron:Leslie, I'm going to tell you something I wish someone had told me when I was your age. Back in 1987, I was working on a Craftsman table saw. The blade kept binding up on me, no matter what I did. I adjusted the fence, checked the alignment, replaced the belt. Nothing worked. So I sat down, and I thought about that saw for three days straight. By the fourth day, I realized the problem wasn't the saw. It was me. I wasn't respecting the saw. Once I started respecting the saw, everything got better.

Ron:And that's why you need to let it cool down before you touch it again.

Leslie:Ron, what does any of that have to do with my situation?

Ron:Everything, Leslie. You're the radiator.

Ron:You know, a radiator is like a relationship. If it's not functioning properly, you need to get under there and figure out what's wrong with it. You can't just ignore it and hope it fixes itself.

Leslie:Ron, are you seriously giving me relationship advice right now?

Ron:I'm talking about radiators.

Leslie:That's exactly what I mean. You're avoiding—

Ron:But if you actually listen to what I said, it applies to everything. Including your situation with Ben.

Leslie:Oh my God. That was... that was actually really good advice.

Ron:I know. I'm very good at advice. I just prefer to deliver it through the metaphor of home maintenance.

Ron:I'm not crying. There's just a lot of smoke in here.

Leslie:I can't think of one reason not to take this job.

Grant:Well, technically, a double negative is a positive, so you've actually given me one reason to hire you.

Leslie:I'm so glad to meet you, Mr. Grant. I'd love to shake your hand.

Grant:Of course.

Leslie:Oh no, I can't quite... my depth perception is off today.

Ben:I want to invest in your restaurant.

Tom:Wait, what? Really?

Ben:Yeah, I believe in you.

Tom:Oh my God, Ben, that's... wait. How much are we talking?

Ben:Well, I was thinking—

Tom:Never mind. Doesn't matter. I don't want your money.

Ron:I spent the day teaching my son about the government's fundamental incompetence and the dangers of trusting bureaucrats. It was beautiful.

Ron:He's got that look of a man who just closed a deal with the Parks Department.

Leslie:Ron, he's three months old. He probably just has gas.

Ron:That's what I said. He closed a deal.

Mitch:Okay! As long as you're running, I'm in.

Mitch:Hey, kid... your boss here sure knows his stuff.

Leslie · Ron:Ron. What are you doing here? The most important government work I've ever done-- sanding rat urine stains out of this floor.

Ron · Leslie:Yesterday, I fixed that old steam radiator. Threaded a new valve into the side, removed the handle from the base, unscrewed the packing nut from the stem. This subpar toolbox only had one wrench, so I was lucky it was a three-quarters or I'd have been screwed. Yeah, man, you are lucky. Come on, Ron. What the hell? I need your help.

Ron · Leslie:Now...to most people, this story would seem boring. That's ridiculous. It's a story about a radiator.

Ron:What's that? Nothing. Clearing my throat.

Leslie · Grant Larson:I've been thinking about your offer. And I have to say I can't think of one single reason not to take it. That's great! I'm sorry, I meant... because I can think of a lot of reasons not to take it. Okay, wow, that's very misleading phraseology.

Leslie · Grant Larson:That's not your hand. Here it is. Sorry, my depth perception is totally screwed up.

Ben · Tom:Really happy that worked out for you, Tom, but you kinda sold me out back there. I know, and I'm sorry. But Mitch asked me what I was passionate about, and honestly I'm never gonna be passionate about dry cleaning chemicals.

Ben · Tom:Then count me in as the second investor in Tom's Bistro. Thanks, man. I know this is a symbolic gesture, but my investor floor is $1,000. So as of now, you own zero shares. Cool! Thanks for clearing that up.

Ron:Oh, look, John. It's red pine. They were gonna put flecked linoleum over this beautifully preserved knotty red pine. Most people in this world, John, are ass[bleep].

Ron:This is the best day I've ever spent in a government building, and luckily my son was here to share it with me. He now has that satisfied look that only comes with the pride of labor. Or he pooped. Either way, well done, John.