New Slogan

Ben · Leslie · Department Staff:Ben dramatically introduces the new city website with a fanfare ('Dun-da-da-dah!') — and the entire room ignores the features to fixate on a panda game on the front page.

Ben Wyatt:Wait, you named the panda Gergich?

Jerry Gergich:Well, I thought it would be funny!

Ben Wyatt:Now everyone keeps calling it Gergich. They're way too invested in this panda's name.

Leslie Knope:Gergich! Here, Gergich! Such a cute little Gergich!

Tom:Whoa, whoa, whoa. Did you guys see this? There's a ping-pong game on the website.

Jerry:Oh my god, a ping-pong game?

Ben:I'm gonna destroy everyone at this.

April:You're on.

Ron:Stand aside. I've been practicing my hand-eye coordination since 1987.

Leslie Knope:Ben, this website is amazing! The tax calculator, the permit system, the public records database...

Ben Wyatt:Thanks, Leslie. I spent months on those features.

Leslie Knope:But you know what really makes this special? The Pawnee Bingo game in the corner!

Ben Wyatt:You look like Meryl Streep in Doubt.

Leslie Knope:I wish I looked like Meryl Streep.

Ron Swanson:We've been driving around looking for bands all day.

Leslie Knope:I know, but we're going to find the perfect one for the festival!

Ron Swanson:Our only accomplishment so far is multiple car crashes.

April Ludgate:Oh wow, you have insurance? Must be nice to show off like that.

Ron Swanson:I can't help you with that. I have a personal grudge from an unrelated dog park incident.

Ron Swanson:I have a very strict diet. I only eat red meat and eggs. Once, I ate a chili dog in the bathroom of a hospital while it was on fire.

Leslie Knope:That's disgusting.

Ron Swanson:It was a good day.

April:I'm allergic to turkey neck.

Jerry:Turkey neck? I love turkey neck! It's my favorite part!

Leslie:This is like that moment in the Michael Jackson 'Thriller' video when he turns into a zombie and realizes he's a monster. Except instead of a monster, I'm becoming a government official. Which is basically the same thing.

Leslie:What? No, this is a totally normal thing that people want. I'm sure plant nurseries get requests like this all the time.

Ben:They don't.

Leslie:Well they should.

Leslie:I hate paperwork. It's the worst part of my job.

Leslie:But yesterday I spent six hours color-coding my filing system by department, then alphabetized within each section, then created a cross-reference index with laminated tabs and a personalized legend.

Tom:I'm like the next Wolfgang Puck, except I can't cook.

Tom:Hey Larry, I got you something special. This is a personalized gift, just for you.

Larry:Oh, that's very thoughtful, Tom.

Tom:It's a ergonomic back support that's slightly too small, a stress ball filled with thumbtacks, and a framed photo of me photoshopped to look like I'm standing right behind you at all times.

Jerry:Why would you do that?

Tom:Because it's Larry. I mean, Jerry. Whatever.

Ben:What is this?

Jerry:It's a voodoo doll. Of me. I made it myself.

Ben:Why would you make a voodoo doll of yourself?

Jerry:I don't know, I thought it might be fun.

Ben:I'm going to poke it.

Ben:*pokes the doll*

Jerry:*immediately falls down*

Ben:Oh my God!

Jerry:The voodoo! The voodoo is real!

Ben:We can just sit back and take it easy.

Leslie:Sit back? Take it easy? Ben, those are the two things I'm worst at. The opposite of that would be stand up and take it hard.

Ron Swanson:New York's slogan is 'I Love New York.' You know what Pawnee's slogan should be?

Ron Swanson:'Pawnee: First in Friendship, Fourth in Obesity.'

Ron Swanson:They were serving whale meat. Illegally.

Leslie Knope:Ron, that's horrible!

Leslie Knope:I don't know why you're here, but welcome to Pawnee Parks and Recreation. I'm Leslie Knope, Deputy Director. I have no idea what that camera is doing here, but I'm going to assume it's for something important and prestigious.

Leslie:Ben, come talk to the camera with me.

Ben:Leslie, we've talked about this. You can't keep using these talking head segments to live out your fantasy of being romantically involved with the cameraman.

Perd Hapley:A slogan is a short, memorable phrase used to represent a company or organization. It's catchy, it's easy to remember, and it encapsulates the essence of what that brand is all about.

Perd:Well, what we're seeing here is enthusiasm at a moderate level, which is to say, not particularly enthusiastic. The crowd's response could be described as lukewarm, or if I'm being generous, room temperature.

Joan:I want to rebrand myself. I'm going to change my name to something more sophisticated. How about... Juana?

Unknown:Juana just means 'Joan' in Spanish.

Joan:Fine, then I'll be... Juanita.

Unknown:That means 'little Joan.'

The Douche:That's a really thoughtful question. Let me think about that for a second.

The Douche:Can you suck my dick?

Ron Swanson:I am Duke Silver. And I play the saxophone.

Ron Swanson:The saxophone is like a woman. You have to be gentle with her, but firm. And sometimes you have to blow into her really hard until she screams.

Ben:According to this online poll, the top choice for the new park name is 'Butt Lake Park.'

Leslie:What? No! How is that possible?

Ben:Apparently some juvenile radio hosts got their listeners to vote for it as a prank.

Leslie:They hijacked our entire civic process!

Leslie:I'm so frustrated with democracy right now.

Ben:What happened?

Leslie:You know what? Forget it. I'm just going to become a benevolent dictator. Here's what I'm going to do: mandatory voting, three-day weekends, all desserts are now vegetables, and I'm going to make it illegal to not have fun on Friday nights.

Ben:That's... actually not terrible.

Leslie:Right? I'm getting a sash made.

Leslie:As supreme leader, I'm making it illegal to use the word 'maybe.' From now on, it's 'yes' or 'no.'

Ben:That's... actually kind of hot.

Leslie:I'm wearing my hat backwards. It's a rebellious statement about conformity and societal expectations.

Leslie:The bill usually faces forward, right? But I've inverted it. That takes courage.

Leslie:So I was like, yo, that's totally dope and fly, homie. We should hang and do the thing where we... um... Netflix and chill? Is that still a thing? Because I'm very cool and current with the youths.

Leslie:I'm not going to rate Emma Watson's appearance. She's an incredibly talented actress and UN Women Goodwill Ambassador who has accomplished more by age 25 than most people do in a lifetime. Let's focus on her professional achievements and her advocacy work for gender equality.

Crazy Ira:Listen Leslie, you gotta objectify women if you want to raise money for charity. That's just how it works.

Leslie Knope:No, Ira, that's not how it works. We can raise money without degrading women.

Crazy Ira:Well then I'm pulling my donation. Your moral stance just cost the children's hospital fifty bucks.

Ron:That's not me. I've never been to a jazz concert in my life.

April:Ron, I literally have your album.

Ron:Well, I didn't write it. Someone stole my identity.

April:Your name is on it.

Ron:They're very thorough.

Ron:Besides, that album was made in the '70s. I was just a young man back then. Very confused. Could've easily become a jazz musician. Glad I didn't.

April:Ron, your woodworking is like a Craftsman tool commercial from 1987. Oddly specific, but I respect it.

Ron:I keep Duke Silver secret because if everyone at the Parks Department found out, the office would be flooded with lingerie.

The Douche:Okay, here's a body part. Guess whose it is.

Tom:Is that... a butt?

The Douche:It's my mother's butt.

Leslie:Well, that was exactly as dignified and empowering as it sounds.

Leslie Knope:Look, I'm not trying to be cool or anything, but hear me out. We need to invest in this park expansion, yo. It's going to be totally lit, fam. No cap, this is going to change our community, and that's the tea.

Crazy Ira:We're Crazy Ira and the Douche, and we're here to help you find your lost item.

The Douche:That's right, Ira. What have you lost?

Crazy Ira:Well, I've lost my dignity. Have you seen it?

The Douche:No, but I did see Leslie Knope. We're Crazy Ira and the Douche — we'll find your lost item, but we can't find Leslie a man!

Ron:I need to kill this version of myself. Destroy him completely. Wipe him out of existence.

Ron:Duke Silver, you were a good man. A saxophonist. A lover. And now you're gone. Rest in peace, you beautiful bastard.

Leslie Knope:The slogan we chose was offensive to multiple groups.

Jerry Gergich:I voted for it.

Ron Swanson:If my secret got out, this office would be waist-deep in women's undergarments.

Tom:Schindler's Lunch is going to be a Holocaust-themed restaurant. It's going to fail.

Tom:We need to move this dinosaur.

Jerry:You can't move that dinosaur.

Tom:Why not?

Jerry:It's load-bearing.

Ben:Our website got hacked and they defaced our beloved panda mascot inappropriately.

Leslie:I miss doing actual work. You know, getting my hands dirty, dealing with potholes, talking to constituents about their sewage problems.

Ben:That's... actually kind of sweet that you miss that.

Leslie:I know! Most people hate that stuff, but I loved it. I loved the grunt work.

Leslie:Larry, we need you to help us move this equipment.

Larry:Oh, okay. Happy to help.

Larry:I'll just... I'll get my end over here...

Leslie:Larry, what are you doing?

Larry:I'm stuck. I wedged myself between the desk and the filing cabinet somehow.

Andy:Okay, I have a secret too. I... I don't always wash my hands after I go to the bathroom.

Ron:That's not a secret, that's just poor hygiene.

Andy:Well, I'm working on it!

Andy:I don't understand milk percentages. Like, why is 2% milk only 2% milk? What's the other 98%?

April:Water.

Andy:Oh. So why don't they just call it water with a little milk in it?

Andy:Okay, so one time I may have convinced my entire family to invest in a timeshare in Branson, Missouri. Not even a nice one. We all got really mad at each other for like two years.

Unknown Citizen:Our city's new slogan should be 'Pawnee: Where the Chips Are Always Sideways and the Salsa Dreams of Motorcycles.'

IT Guy:Just PayPal me some bitcoins when you get a chance.

Citizen 1:That should be 'we're,' not 'were.'

Citizen 2:Actually, it's 'our,' not 'are.'

Citizen 3:No, the whole thing should say 'Pawnee: First in Friendship, Fourth in Obesity.'

Citizen 1:That's not even a grammar issue!

Citizen 2:Well, 'obesity' should be capitalized if it's part of the slogan.

Leslie:Okay, everyone, let's just... let me fix this.

Citizen 3:Wait, shouldn't there be a comma after 'Friendship'?

Citizen 1:No, a semicolon!

Citizen 2:An em dash!

Leslie:I'm so proud of myself for delegating this project. I gave clear instructions, set realistic deadlines, and trusted my team to execute.

Ben:That's great, Leslie. How did it turn out?

Leslie:Well, they installed the sign backwards.

Ben:Backwards?

Leslie:It now says 'Welcome to Pawnee' but it's facing the other direction, so everyone driving into town just sees the back of a sign.

Leslie:What if I'm not actually good at my job? What if I've just been lucky?

Ben:You're not lucky. You work hard. And you're very good at your job.

Leslie:How do you know?

Ben:Because I've seen you work. And also, if you were just lucky, you would have won the lottery by now.

Tom Haverford:Wait, which way are we supposed to be facing?

April Ludgate:Does it matter? We're all just walking in circles anyway.

Ron Swanson:I haven't been this confused since they changed the font on the government forms.

Leslie Knope:Okay, okay, everyone just... take a deep breath. We'll figure this out together as a team.

Ben Wyatt:I'm pretty sure we came in from that direction. Or maybe that was the way out?

Jurassic Fork owner:No can do. That's a load-bearing T-Rex.

Ben:You didn't somehow get the email addresses for every person who voted for the 'Stick up the butt' slogan and then write each of them a personalized heartfelt email telling them to do the right thing and vote for a real slogan?

Leslie:Are you crazy? What a crazy talk you just did with your funny words.

Ben:Look what they did to Peebo. He's wearing a hat made of penises.

Leslie:Have I really pulled my last bloated raccoon carcass from a public fountain?

Leslie:Oh, no, I would not have started the sentence if I knew Larry was the only one here.

Larry/Jerry/Gary:I-I somehow ran my belt through a slat in this chair so I'm kind of... I'm kind of stuck to it now.

Leslie:Great. [deadpan reaction shot after Larry announces he's stuck to a chair]

Andy:I once forgot to brush my teeth for five weeks.

Andy:I don't know who Al Gore is. And at this point I'm too afraid to ask.

Andy:When they say 2% milk, I don't know what the other 98% is.

Andy:When I was a baby, my head was so big scientists did experiments on me.

Andy:I once threw beer at a swan, and then it attacked my niece Rebecca.

Ron Swanson:That'll do, Andrew.

Ben · Tom:Watch cologne. Cologne for watches.

Tom:Things used to make me so happy. But I've grown a lot in the last year. Now I just want one big thing, my own restaurant, named after me, that makes me so much money I can buy anything I want.

Ben · April · Tom (absent):I didn't want Tom to leave, so I said all these bad things about the restaurant, so he wouldn't like them. / Damn, we should have coordinated. I don't want to lose that weird little elf either. That's why I showed him all those crappy places. / Oh, I thought you were just bad at your job.

Public Forum Attendee:I think the slogan should be 'Pawnee, home of crackers, the orangest goldfish in Indiana.'

Audience Member · Larry/Gary/Jerry:Who even needs a slogan? / Well, now, that is an interesting point. / No, that's my slogan idea. 'Who even needs a slogan?' And then a big picture of me flipping everybody off.

Crowd · Douche Nation Members:Butt stick! Butt stick! Butt stick! [crowd chants]

Kind Older Woman at Forum:I've lived in Pawnee my whole life and it could be a strange place, but overall it's a warm, and wonderful town. My idea for a slogan is, 'When you're here, then you're home.'

Forum Attendee · Larry · Other Attendee · Leslie · Ben:The sweet older woman's slogan 'When you're here, then you're home' — with 'then' spelled wrong, escalating to multiple people arguing about whether 'you're' is also spelled wrong

Larry/Gary/Jerry · Leslie (in earpiece) · Ben · Multiple Forum Attendees:Hm... there's... that's... that's spelled wrong. / Stay strong. Let them work it out. / Back off. / 'You're' is spelled wrong. It should be 'y-o-u-r.' / Oops, I didn't catch it. Thank you. / No, no, no, she made a possessive. She's getting further away.

Tom · April:Man, the places that came on the market today are way nicer than the listings we saw yesterday. I know, crazy, right? Real estate.

Leslie · forum attendees:The grammatically-corrected slogan is approved — Leslie held herself back the whole time

Ben:Ben: 'Are you listening to yourself?' — after Leslie says 'Trust Larry'

Tom · realtor:Tom's future restaurant space has nice properties but the realtor 'doesn't know' about the two helipads on his wish list — 'Does it have one helipad?'

Tom · Realtor:Does it have one helipad? / I don't know.

Ben · Leslie:You fixed the mistakes. / I held it together for the entire meeting. Let me have this one. / I'm done micromanaging. I promise. / Then I'm sure you are okay with the fact that they installed the sign the wrong way and it's welcoming you to Pawnee as you're leaving. / What? No! Oh, son of a...

Ben:Leslie, I love you, very much. But this is the stupidest thing you've ever said. You'd be amazing. And everyone's gonna be in awe of how amazing you are, so just shut your mouth.

Tom:Hey, are we leaving or entering? We've been driving around in circles. You're...