Galentines Day

The only thing I am crazy about is a magnificent, pregnant manta ray named Ann Perkins.

I am ranking topics of conversation for our next phone call... Infinity scarves or whether or not it's worth it for me to get Showtime?

I mean, I can talk about Sandra Bullock skirt length.

No, no, babe, you can't--you would just embarrass yourself. Plus, every time I start talking to you, five seconds later, I want to jump your bones.

I love being a father, but there are a few things I miss. Silence, the absence of noise, one single moment undisturbed by the sounds of a children's TV program called Doc McStuffins.

There is no quiet anymore. There is only Doc McStuffins.

Shotgun! I call shotgun. Where are we going? Doesn't matter. Shotgun. Shotgun on all rides for the rest of the day. For the rest of my life. In any car! Ha ha! I just faced you suckers!

Is the tent guy left-handed or right-handed? I just need to know which way to part my hair to get us a better price. It's a business theory I'm working on.

A straightforward deal? Why didn't you tell me? I don't have my straightforward deal fedora on me. We gotta stop by my storage unit on the way up.

Remember you said that when Larry's farting up the car.

Larry isn't that bad. He's nice. And frankly, I don't care who knows that I said that, as long as no one knows that I said that.

Listen to me very carefully. I have not been taken. I know that's always your first fear when I'm not available, but this is not a Liam Neeson Taken scenario.

That's exactly what they'd make you say. Also, no one's making me say this. I am a free woman, untaken, simply going about my business.

What's good, baby? What's going down in Donna town? What's the haps in Meagle-wood?

I'm listening to Jaleel Or No Deal. It's a podcast where the kid who played Urkel reviews old Deal Or No Deal episodes. It's pointless, and I love it.

What's the 411, little mama? What's the hot goss? Who you crushing on these days?

Ew, my husband, weirdo. Can I get back to work now? Thanks. Bye.

You sound like a tampon commercial.

Wait, I thought you weren't gonna do Galentine's day this year because that she-beast moved away. I believe her name was Satan?

Side note, do not Google that phrase.

Do you know what my social security number is? Or if I'm allergic to anything? I don't like corn. Should I put that down? Or will that be confusing? Because I do like candy corn.

Ron, look. I found all three differences. Those are two completely different pictures.

Oh, whoa. Five-second rule. No, ahh. Come on, we better get you to a dentist.

Oh, my God, Larry. Your tuna fish sandwich stunk up my suit. Gayle made it for me. Irrelevant.

Who's this little genie right here?

I got over 1,300 tents in this warehouse alone. 900 of those are over 2,000 square feet, 80 of 'em are striped, and exactly 4 of 'em were once rented by Miss Rene Russo.

I was gonna go with my boyfriend, but he couldn't come because he decided to stay with his wife.

Rome's played out. Have y'all been to Kuala Lumpur? I go all the time. Where do you think I got that crystal Buddha head above my jacuzzi?

And then we got Evelyn, aka fake Ann. I don't know her last name. Honestly we just needed bodies.

But please answer them with complete honesty 'cause I'll be able to tell if you're lying.

Well, for live tweeting, it's Scandal. For binge watching, it's Scandal. But for fashion, it's actually Scandal. My answer is Scandal.

Ooh, I love watching Russian traffic accidents on YouTube while I play children's music at the wrong RPM.

I like beauty pageants. Everyone is so happy and perfect.

I like Diagnosis Murder. And skin flicks.

The correct answer for favorite TV show is Friday Night Lights.

The correct answer for favorite TV show is Friday Night Lights.

Well, you need flaps, bro. A tent without flaps is basically a parachute.

Shh. Keep your voice down, please, there's tents here.

Now, look, you can argue with me all you want, but for every line item that you two idiots disagree with, there's gonna be a $50 discussion surcharge.

What's the price now? $80 more. I liked it better the other way. Does have an effect, though.

Do you know what my social security number is? Or if I'm allergic to anything? I don't like corn. Should I put that down? Or will that be confusing? Because I do like candy corn.

All I wanted was two hours where I got to forget that I was a parent.

I've gotten two annulments. One for pleasure, and one to cap off a long con I was running against Keith Sweat.

I'm writing a memoir based on my blog. It's called Tweeping Up Appearances, and it's about my journey to find happiness by smiling through the pain.

It's simply a way for me to figure out which one of you is the best.

According to her, it's the best view.

Gayle always has me do the windshield. She likes to stand behind me and watch. According to her, it's the best view.

I'm sorry. I'm just not used to people from the office asking me things. It's kind of scary. But in a good way, though.

Yeah. Yeah, it was loud. Smells like a hippopotamus took a dump on a skunk.

Well, my grandmother was missing that tooth, and she was the most beautiful woman on her oil rig.

That's why you know even though you're not my dad, you're like an old brother to me. Like a cool uncle, but old. Like a grandpa. But cool like a son.

That's right, dickweed. You wanna talk deal? Because my prices have gone up ever so slightly since I saw you last.

Yes. I own every tent store in Southern Indiana. Tent Town, Rent Ten Tents, the Tent Offensive, and Ace Tentura Tent Detective.

I also own a chick-fil-a franchise, but that's not doing so hot right now. Whatever.

I also own a chick-fil-a franchise, but that's not doing so hot right now. Whatever.

You've reached the Tentagon. How can I help you, buttface?

Although, when I was in college I found out that my dad had a second family. Well, we were the second family, technically.

Although there is a tiny part of me that always thought it was just Chris talking into a mirror.

Why would you do that? Oh, right. 'Cause calories.

It's called Sweaty Roger's Pants Tent.

Nobody can match your ethnic hybrid energy.

You shut your mouth. You have all the strengths.

Yeah, 'cause Riggins is a criminal. He took the fall for his brother. Okay, he didn't watch out for his brother. You know, I'm not having this conversation with you again. That family is garbage.

Yeah, 'cause Riggins is a criminal.

I almost bought a toe ring the other day. What? Ann, you're somebody's mother.

When it's all said and done, there were a few mazes I'd cheated on. Also, the inside of my mouth is black and hot.

So do I strip down to my underwear, or all the way naked?

Gentlemen, I've won two online satellite Jamaican poker tournaments. I can tell that you're bluffing.

I am. And I was bluffing about winning those tournaments.

Second of all, I got a Tin Cup Blu-Ray itching for a Rene Russo signature.

Oh, hey. I'm Larry. Great to know you. I love tent world.

God! Can you just be cool for one second?

Press the paw. Hi, Leslie. It's Ann. I love you, and everything's gonna be okay.

Mm, you touch me and I stab the bunny.

I'm just an impartial bunny, but I think Ann sucks. Also-- I'm the zodiac killer.

Also-- I'm the zodiac killer.

Your inhaler is hidden under the pile of pistachio shells on my desk, obviously.

Okay, well, that's funny, 'cause I'm terribly allergic to pistachios.

I like Larry. He is a good friend and a fine man with an inexplicably gorgeous wife-- I mean, to the point where it makes no sense at all.

O, captain, my captain.

Got so startled I tooted.