Galentines Day

Leslie:You're crazy.

Chris:Am I? Or am I a pregnant manta ray gliding through the ocean of truth, my unborn calf nestled safely in my womb of wisdom?

Chris:I'm a great sounding board for female friendship issues. I can talk about anything — whether it's a disagreement over a borrowed sweater, or if one of you saw the other one's ex at the Sweetgreen and didn't tell her.

Chris:I could help with girl talk.

Leslie:No, you'd embarrass yourself. You'd probably overshare about your sex life with Ann.

Leslie:Ron, I have to say, I'm really impressed by your enthusiasm for this park survey work.

Ron:I'm not doing it for enthusiasm. I'm doing it because the survey has a section where I can write 'None of your business' for every answer.

Leslie:I know, I know. You're trying to hide it, but I can see it in your eyes. You're falling in love with government.

Ron:I am not falling in love with government.

Leslie:It's okay, Ron. This is a safe space. A lot of people come around eventually. You're going to love it here.

Leslie:Ron, I know you care about this town just as much as I do. You're committed to public service, to making Pawnee better for everyone!

Ron:Yes. That is exactly why I do what I do.

Ron:I love government work. It's the solitude, the autonomy, and the endless time to think about nothing.

Ron:I have two children. If I had known what that entailed, I would have used more protection. Not condoms. A lot more protection. Like a full suit of armor. And I'm not talking about their mother. I'm talking about Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood. That show is on all the time. All the time. I wake up, Daniel Tiger's there. I go to work, Daniel Tiger's there. I come home, Daniel Tiger's there. I go to sleep, I dream about Daniel Tiger. I'm starting to think Daniel Tiger might actually be my son.

Ron:Doc McStuffins has consumed my entire reality. I can no longer distinguish between what is real and what is a children's cartoon about a girl who fixes stuffed animals in her backyard playhouse.

Andy:Shotgun!

Andy:I call shotgun forever. Faced you suckers!

Tom:Okay, so here's what I'm thinking. Right-handed people part their hair on the left side of their head. Left-handed people part their hair on the right side. It's just basic science.

Tom:The dominant hand controls the dominant side of the head. It's like a natural flow.

Tom:I have specific fedoras for different types of business deals. This is my hostile takeover fedora. This is my friendly acquisition fedora. And this... this is my 'I'm about to close a deal that will make me rich beyond my wildest dreams' fedora.

Tom:Yeah, but here's the thing about Larry being nice: if he's nice to me, he's gonna want to hang out with me. And if he hangs out with me, he's gonna eventually do something weird like fall asleep at my dinner table or pee on my couch.

Ben:Larry is a genuinely nice guy. I don't care what anyone says.

Ben:Actually, you know what? Larry's the worst.

Leslie:I have a backup plan for Ann. Actually, I have seventeen backup plans for Ann. I've laminated them. There's one where I convince her that her apartment building is being demolished, so she has to move in with me. Another one where I anonymously tell her that her job is being outsourced to India, so she'll need a new best friend to help her through the transition. I've also—

Leslie:Wait, no, forget everything I just said.

April:Why would you say that out loud?

Leslie:April, this is your fault for being here and listening to me.

Ann:Leslie, it's Ann. I'm fine. I'm not kidnapped. I know that's your first assumption about everything, but I promise you, I'm okay.

Ann:I haven't been replaced by a clone or an alien or whatever you think.

Leslie:That's exactly what a clone would say.

Leslie:Donna, hey! So I was thinking we could hang out sometime. You know, do some cool stuff. Maybe go to... Club Rad? Or Flavor Town? I just made those up, but they sound fun, right?

Donna:Leslie, no.

Leslie:What about Punchline Palace? That's where all the hip people go. We could be hip together!

Donna:I'm listening to Jaleel Or No Deal. It's a podcast where the kid who played Urkel reviews old Deal Or No Deal episodes. It's pointless, and I love it.

Leslie:Hey little mama, you want to hear some hot goss about the parks department?

Leslie:So who are you crushing on?

April:Ugh, gross. Ben.

Leslie:Now is lady time.

April:You mean like a feminine hygiene product commercial?

April:Ann is the worst. She's a human snake. She has no redeeming qualities whatsoever. Every word that comes out of her mouth is a lie and an attack on everyone around her.

Leslie:We're having a women's-only marathon bonding session with tons of whipped cream.

Leslie:I just realized how that sounds when you google it.

Andy:So wait, if I put my card in the ATM and I ask for $200, where does the money come from?

Andy:Does the ATM just... have $200 sitting in there? And what happens when it runs out? Does someone come refill it?

Andy:Or is there like, a giant ATM somewhere that all the other ATMs get money from? Like an ATM mother ship?

Andy:What if he's not an ATM guy? What if he's a guy who stands in front of ATMs and tells you that you're making a mistake?

Andy:Wait, so in Predator, the Predator comes to Earth to hunt humans for sport, right? But like, how does he even know where to go? Does he have a GPS? And when he's hunting, does he follow the Geneva Convention? Because I feel like there's gotta be some intergalactic hunting laws, you know? Also, why doesn't he just use a gun like a normal person? Why's he gotta be all fancy with the wrist blades and the cloaking technology? That seems like overkill. And another thing—

Andy:Oh no, I broke my tooth! Five second rule!

April:That's not how the five second rule works.

Andy:It's my mouth, April. My rules.

Tom:Whoa, whoa, whoa. What is that smell? Did you bring fish? You brought fish to the office? Larry, that is a violation of the Geneva Convention.

Harvey:I got over 1,300 tents in this warehouse alone. 900 of those are over 2,000 square feet, 80 of 'em are striped, and exactly 4 of 'em were once rented by Miss Rene Russo.

Shauna:I just got back from Rome. It was amazing. I spent two weeks there just exploring, eating pasta, living my best life.

Shauna:And I met this really great guy. We've been dating for a few months now. He's so romantic, always taking me to these beautiful places.

Shauna:The only thing is... he's married. But it's fine, because his wife doesn't understand him.

Donna:I don't need to travel to Asia. I have everything I need at home. I got a sauna, a steam room, a hot tub, and a rainfall shower that cost more than your car.

Leslie:Ann, you are such a good friend, but you are my only friend. And I don't think I can afford to be that picky.

Leslie:This is Evelyn. She's here to make the rest of us look good.

Leslie:I have some friendship questions for you. They're just for fun, totally casual.

Leslie:But I should warn you, if you answer wrong, I will be very upset and reconsider our entire friendship.

Donna:Scandal. It's my favorite show. It's my favorite book. It's my favorite movie. It's my favorite food. It's my favorite time of day.

April:I like to watch depressing foreign films while eating cubed cheese and drinking boxed wine. It's called 'having culture.'

Shauna:I need to watch something that makes me feel happy. My life is a mess. I've made terrible choices. I'm aging. Nothing good is happening to me. So I need TV to give me that artificial happiness that I'm not getting in real life.

Ethel:Oh, I watch all sorts of things. Game shows, the news, sometimes a little pornography before bed. It helps me sleep.

Leslie:Okay, everyone just said their favorite TV shows, and I want you to know that this was actually a test.

Leslie:And there was a right answer.

Leslie:It was Parks and Recreation.

Ben:What is a 'flap tax'?

Leslie:I don't know, but apparently Harvey charges it.

Ben:This contract is insane. Who charges a flap tax?

Leslie:A very creative accountant.

Harvey:A flap tax? That's when you tax the flaps on envelopes. It's a new revenue stream for the city. Look, it's simple economics - every time someone licks an envelope, that's a taxable event. We could raise thousands of dollars a year. Thousands!

Harvey:Shh. Keep your voice down, please, there's tents here.

Ben:Wait, you're charging us for this?

Tom:Yeah, what is this fee for?

Harvey:That's my disagreement fee. You disagreed with me, so that'll be $50.

Ben:That's not a real thing.

Harvey:Oh, now you're disagreeing with me about the disagreement fee? That's another $50.

Tom:Okay, so I'm telling you, the hair part is crucial. You part your hair the right way, you part your life the right way.

Harvey:That doesn't make any sense.

Tom:No, no, no, hear me out. I've been doing a deep side part for three weeks now, and my business ventures have been down 40%.

Harvey:So it's not working.

Tom:Not yet. I just need to find the perfect part. The part is out there, and when I find it, everything's gonna click.

Andy:Wait, so you're telling me my teeth are in my mouth? I thought they were stored somewhere else, like a safe deposit box or something.

Andy:And flossing is... what, a dance move? No? You do it with string? Why would you put string in your mouth?

Andy:Also, I've been using a comb on my teeth this whole time. Is that wrong?

Ron:I love Andy. But I need a break from him. A parental break.

Andy:Ron, I just finished this crossword puzzle!

Ron:That's a word search.

Leslie:Donna, I need you to tell me something real. Something true about your life that you've never told anyone.

Donna:I was married to Seal for three weeks in the '90s.

Shauna:The terrible pun title and depressing subject matter

Leslie:Okay, so I ranked my friends. Ann is number one because she's my best friend and soulmate. Tom is number two because he's fun and loyal, even if he makes terrible decisions. Ben is number three because he's dependable and attractive. And Jerry... Jerry is number four because he's Jerry.

Donna:I'm not mad. I'm just... I thought we were closer than that.

Larry:Yeah, Gayle really appreciates my physique. She says my love handles are like... well, let's just say she has very specific preferences.

Ron:I didn't need to know that.

Ben:So Larry, how was your weekend?

Larry:It was... it was good. Why do you ask?

Ben:I don't know, just making conversation.

Larry:Nobody ever asks me that.

Larry:It wasn't Ben, it was me. I farted.

Ben:Yeah, and it smelled like... old eggs mixed with a tire fire at a fish factory.

Andy:My grandmother had a broken tooth for like forty years. She just owned it. She'd smile real big at family dinners and everyone would just be like, 'There it is.' It became part of her identity.

Andy:But then one day she was working on an oil rig in the Gulf of Mexico and a freak accident happened. Tooth went flying right into a pelican's mouth.

Andy:We never saw her again. The pelican took her out to sea.

Andy:Ron is like... he's like my dad. But if my dad was cool. So he's like my cool dad.

Andy:No wait, he's more like my older brother. My cooler older brother who teaches me stuff.

Andy:Actually, he's like my uncle. You know, the uncle who shows up to Thanksgiving and everyone's like, 'Oh, Uncle Ron's here!' And then he just sits there not saying anything.

Andy:Or... or maybe he's my grandfather? Like, the wise grandfather figure who doesn't really care about anything but somehow you still respect him?

Andy:No, I got it. He's my wife. Ron is my wife.

His immediate hostility and price manipulation

Harvey:I own all the tent stores in this city. Started with 'Harvey's Tents,' then 'Tent City Harvey,' then 'Harvey's Tent Emporium,' then 'The Tent Dimension,' then 'Harvey's Tentacle Warehouse'—wait, that's not right. 'Tentacles of Harvey.' No. 'Harvey's House of Tents.' 'Tent Hospital.' 'Tent Intensive Care.' 'Tent Morgue.' I don't actually own any tent stores.

Tom:I'm going to open a tent store. This time it'll work.

Harvey:I already own that one too.

Tom:What? How?

Harvey:I bought it. I own all the tent stores in Pawnee. I'm basically a Pentagon.

Leslie:Wait, you're an only child too?

Shauna:Yeah, my parents decided one was enough.

Leslie:Mine too! I always felt like I missed out on sibling bonding.

Shauna:I mean, my parents fought constantly, so I mostly just hid in my room and pretended they didn't exist.

Leslie:Oh... okay. That's darker than where I was going with this.

Leslie:You should really see Chris's therapist. She's amazing.

Chris:Wait, I don't have a therapist.

Leslie:I know.

Shauna:My therapist said I should try to be more open about my feelings.

Ann:That's good advice.

Shauna:Yeah, but then she said I should play hard to get with my emotions. Now I'm ignoring my sadness to make it more interested in me.

Leslie:Ann, you are a beautiful, talented, brilliant, powerful musk ox. You are a goddess. A warrior. You are also a friend.

Andy:Yeah, I'll go back to the dentist.

Andy:But first, I'm gonna eat this entire bag of jawbreakers.

Andy:Because if I soften them up with my saliva, they're basically just regular candy.

Andy:Flawless logic.

Tom:Wait, there's a store called 'Tent City'? That sounds amazing!

Jerry:Yeah, it's right over on—

Tom:I'm going there right now. This is perfect.

Jerry:Actually, Tom, it's not that kind of tent city. It's like a homeless encampment.

Tom:Oh.

Tom:Yeah, so Larry's research really helped us out here. I mean, I basically implemented it perfectly. My management style is really coming together.

Leslie:Tom, you didn't even read the research.

Tom:Well, I didn't need to. I have instincts. Natural instincts. This is what happens when you let Tom Haverford do what he does best.

Leslie:Ann is just... she's the best. She's like if a human could be a well-organized binder. She's smart, she's kind, she's got this perfect blonde hair that just falls exactly where it should. And she's got this way of making you feel like you're the only person in the room, even when you're being completely ridiculous. Which I often am.

Leslie:Tim Riggins is overrated. Yes, he's attractive, but he's a classic example of the troubled bad boy archetype that enables toxic masculinity in sports culture.

Ann:Leslie, he has a heart of gold.

Leslie:A heart of gold? Ann, the man lived in a trailer and kept making the same mistakes over and over. That's not romantic, that's a cautionary tale. I have binders full of evidence documenting his poor decision-making skills and how they negatively impacted the entire Dillon community.

Leslie:Ann is thinking about getting a toe ring.

Leslie:A TOE RING, Ben!

Andy:I cheated on my wife with the hygienist. And let me tell you something about my mouth—it's like a crime scene in there. My gums look like a murdered steak.

Andy:Wait, so you're telling me I have to floss every day?

Dentist:Yes, it's important for your oral health.

Andy:But I only eat once a day... sometimes twice if there's a waffle nearby.

Dentist:That's not how flossing works.

Andy:So it's not like... a schedule thing? Like, I don't have to wait 24 hours between flossing sessions?

Andy:So when I go to the dentist, do I need to take all my clothes off?

Dentist/Other Character:No, just your shirt.

Andy:Oh, okay. And my pants?

Dentist/Other Character:No, you can keep your pants on.

Andy:So just the shirt? What about underwear?

Harvey:I've won two online satellite Jamaican poker tournaments. I can tell that you're bluffing.

Harvey:I've been playing poker since I was a kid. I'm really good at it.

Other Character:Really? What's your biggest win?

Harvey:Okay, I lied. I've never played poker in my life.

Tom:Wait, Larry's being nice to people? What is happening right now? Is this a prank? Did someone put him up to this?

April:You're like a five-year-old who just learned a bunch of big words and won't shut up about them.

Leslie:I'm so sorry for everything I've put you all through.

Donna:Oh honey, we know you didn't mean it. You're forgiven.

April:Yeah, I'd say you're like a 6 out of 10 friend.

Ann:Oh my God, what is this?

April:We got you a Build-A-Bear Workshop bear.

Donna:We recorded a message inside it.

Ann:That's so sweet!

Build-A-Bear:Hi Ann, it's me, Ann. I'm your new friend and I love you.

April:We thought you'd like to have someone around who's as annoying as you are.

Leslie:How about a five-minute hug?

April:If you do that, I will destroy whatever gift you give me.

April:This bear is Ann. Look at its stupid face. And its stupid body. And its stupid everything. It's just sitting there being Ann.

April:You know what? I'm going to torture it. I'm going to pull off all its limbs and hide the body in the woods where no one will ever find it.

April:I've done it before.

Tom:Your inhaler is under those pistachio shells.

Larry:What? No! I'm allergic to pistachios!

Ben:I don't understand how Larry is married. Like, I genuinely don't. Every time I see him, he's either covered in food or he's said something that would make a normal person want to leave him. And yet, there he is, married to a woman who apparently loves him. It defies logic.

Ben:O Captain! My Captain! That's what Larry is to us. He's the captain of our ship, and we should seize the day and carpe diem the heck out of this situation. We need to stand on our desks and show our respect.

Leslie:Ben, that's beautiful, but also completely insane.

Larry:I'm sorry, I just get very emotional at these things.

Larry:*farts*