Anniversaries

And the groom wore a butt so perfect it could make an angel hang itself.

You wrote this, didn't you? - I did. - They cut it way down. - Thank God.

It's like... Wha-a-a-at?

She will make that stupid face!

the Richard and Lois Wallenberg Foundation Foundation... dedicated to the idea that all human beings deserve a chance to hear about foundations.

I believe that is the Eagleton-Pawnee merger, n'est-ce pas?

I'd like to apologize to our listeners for my co-host's sudden and violent outburst just now.

Absorb the aggression, Derry. Absorb the aggression.

such a big, quiet, arcane ball of fun

I haven't seen Pawneeans this mad since Frankie's discontinued their pizza-stuffed-crust pizza.

It was a pizza whose crust was stuffed with little pizzas.

Scoff.

Did you just say the word 'scoff'?

This twerp has a name. And it's August N'gutu Liebowitz-Clementine.

Like, was it a hypnosis accident or something, where they put Gayle under and made her fall in love with Larry and never said the magic word to snap her out of it?

So, like a banana made of spiders?

I've said it before and I'll say it again, children are terrible artists. And artists are crooks.

Why lie? I'm shopping. Back in an hour.

Kapow!

Well, that's what the merger is. Oh. Yeah, then I hate the merger.

I don't know who this is, but I agree. - It's Andy! - Hey. I'm on the radio!

Thanks for nothing, Donna Meagle. Booooo! With five 'O's.

Podcasts are great. Radio is boring.

Andy, this is a picture of us. This is a picture of an elderly couple.

Whoo! I'm getting the epiphany sweats.

Just thinking about the new Star Wars sequel. I'm afraid they're gonna rely too heavily on CGI. And I'm carrying it all in my shoulders.

Larry, would you like to get a couples massage with me?

Last time we scared an old person, Larry had a heart attack. That was awesome. He farted so much.

I'm now just realizing how misleading this giant check is.

I'm about to come down on this dude like Thor's hammer Mjolnir. I'm about to go Mjolnir on his ass!

Dear frozen yogurt, you are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream or be nothing. Zero stars.

I watched Enchanted three times to get all the details right. And then another two times, because that movie is amazing.

Good sir, tally ho. God, that... from the movie! That is definitely from the movie.

They're like the old version of iTunes. We're like the new version of iTunes, baby. We're gonna be here forever. Oh, my God. I'm gonna die someday.

Hey, no touching. This is not your birthday.

Don't give him any water. He does this annoying thing where every time he takes a drink of water he goes, 'Ah...' She does this annoying thing where every time she takes a drink of water she is an old nag.

Just took some ludes to kind of smooth it out, so I'm right in that sweet spot. Got about 20 minutes before I either get really tired or really horny, so let's roll.

You look like a leather glove got caught in a lawnmower.

You look like a leather glove got caught in a lawnmower.

You tried to adopt a cat last week and I turned you down, because I thought it was too sad for you to have six cats. Then you tried to blow up my spot online. You're fired.

You're not my boss, I work for the city attorney's office. You're fired.

I had no prospects, and Dougie here had an alcohol problem. Plus the Cold War was happening, and frankly, we all thought we were gonna die.

Well, I figured I could really tick off my parents by shacking up with some Pawnee trash.

I slept with Sharon in 1979. I used to get out of the shower in front of your brother on purpose.

They eat, they sleep, they complain, and they watch Family Feud. Oh, my God, I wanna be an old person.

Veganism is the sad result of a morally corrupt mind. Reconsider your life.

Veganism is the sad result of a morally corrupt mind. Reconsider your life.

A vegan is gonna physically attack me? They're basically made of glass.

It was a review of a funeral home that said 'Great first date spot.'

Well, you overestimated how much I care what happens to Kyle.

Your lipstick looks weird. You're gonna want to shut your mouth right now.

Craig Middlebrooks. Samantha in the boardroom, Miranda in the bedroom. I know it's not ideal, but it's who I am.

Donna said she might be able to get Ginuwine. That's given me a reason to live.

Oh, my eff-ing God.

I had a guy at the model store make a replica. He's a bigger Game of Thrones fan than you are.

When you play the game of thrones, you win or you die. Yes. No. Yes. No!

Come here. Come hither, peasant. Come here. Who are you? Our starship is in trouble.