Anniversaries

Narrator:On this day, two souls unite in holy matrimony. Leslie Knope and Ben Wyatt, bound by love's eternal flame, embark upon a journey of passion and devotion.

Narrator:Ben Wyatt is so attractive that the sun became jealous and threw itself into a black hole. The moon wept for seven years. Stars began falling from the sky, unable to bear the shame of being outshined.

Leslie:Two souls, intertwined like vines upon a trellis of destiny, joined in matrimonial bliss beneath the stars that whispered their names since the dawn of time...

Ben:Oh my God.

Leslie:That's what I wrote.

Ben:Thank God they edited it.

Leslie:His face was like... *makes exaggerated dopey expression with mouth hanging open and eyes wide*

Ben:I'm going to surprise Leslie. She has no idea what's coming.

Ben:I'm going to make her look so stupid.

Radio Announcer:This program is brought to you by the Foundation Foundation, a foundation dedicated to promoting foundations. The Foundation Foundation: because foundations need foundations too.

August:I believe that is the Eagleton-Pawnee merger, n'est-ce pas?

August:It's actually called the 'merger,' not the 'violent outburst.'

Derry:Oh my God, I just had a violent outburst!

Leslie:Treat yo' self!

August:Actually, I think you mean 'treat yourself' with proper pronunciation.

Leslie:No, it's 'treat yo' self' — that's the whole thing!

August:Well, if you say so. I'm sure your way is just fine. Really great. Wonderful.

Leslie:You know, I think this merged show is really... quiet and arcane.

Ben:Did you just call our show boring and weird?

Leslie:No! I meant... it's got a certain... understated charm?

Leslie:The anger level in this town right now is comparable to when Pizza Hut discontinued their pizza-stuffed-crust pizza.

Leslie:But what if we took it further? What if we stuffed the crust with another pizza?

Ron:Why would you do that?

Leslie:And that pizza has a chocolate crust stuffed with dessert pizza. It's pizza all the way down, Ron.

Ron:That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

Leslie:You say that, but I've already ordered the ingredients.

Leslie Knope:The merger is going to be great for both towns.

August:Scoff.

August:Scoff.

Derry:I'm sorry, what?

August:It's actually August Beauregard Van Der Meer-Schildkraut the Third.

Ben:How did Larry even end up with someone like Tammy? She's so out of his league.

Ben:I'm serious. I've been thinking about this, and the only explanation is elaborate hypnosis. Like, he must have hypnotized her at some point. That's the only way it makes sense.

Ben:He probably spent years perfecting his hypnotic technique, just waiting for the right moment to use it on an attractive woman. And somehow it worked.

Ben:It's the only logical explanation for why someone like Tammy would marry Larry Gergich.

April:I'm basically a pet. I have the same life span as a tortoise, I'm mostly quiet, and I only show affection to one person. You should adopt me. It's legal because I checked with the courts and they said 'please stop calling.'

April:This is a dog that eats other dogs and poops out skeletons.

April:That child has no future.

April:Children are terrible artists. Their paintings look like they were made by drunk chimpanzees having a seizure. And honestly, if you think about it, all artists are just criminals who haven't been caught yet.

April:Donna, where have you been? I've been looking all over for you.

Donna:I'm out of the office. Check my out-of-office message.

April:What does it say?

Donna:It says I'm out of the office and I don't care about your email. I will delete it. I don't know who you are. Stop emailing me.

Radio caller:Yeah, we got a real trash problem here since the merger. Garbage everywhere.

Radio caller:I mean, people are garbage. Kapow!

Radio caller:I love the merger idea, but I don't think Eagleton should be forced to join Pawnee. They should have a choice.

Leslie Knope:But that IS the merger. Eagleton is joining Pawnee.

Radio caller:Oh. Well, then I'm against it.

Andy:Yeah, and another thing—Leslie is amazing and—wait, did I just say that out loud? Oh no, oh no, oh no. I'm so bad at this.

August:Well, I guess that means I get the last word.

April:Can we get a land mine for the office? I want to put it under Jerry's desk.

Leslie:April, no.

April:Not to actually blow him up. Just as a threat. He'd be so careful where he stepped.

April:Kyle took me to Scherzinger's Funeral Home for our date.

April:Five stars. Great ambiance, very romantic. The embalming fluid really complemented the decay.

April:I cried the whole time, but not because of Kyle.

April:I'm writing a fake one-star review. 'This restaurant is a nightmare. The waiter brought me water I didn't ask for. Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.'

April:Booooo.

April:That's seven O's, by the way. I counted.

Donna:I'm gonna find whoever wrote this and break their legs.

Donna:I don't care if it's anonymous. I will find them.

Andy:Wow, you look really old in this photo.

Leslie:That's not even me.

Leslie:Oh my God, I'm having an epiphany! Look at me, I'm sweating through my blouse!

Ben:I have so much tension in my shoulders from stress.

Leslie:Stress about what?

Ben:I've been really worried about whether Batman could actually fly the Batplane.

Leslie:That's not real.

Ben:I know it's not real, but my shoulders don't.

Ben:Hey Larry, um, I have a couples massage scheduled for tomorrow and my partner can't make it. Would you maybe want to... I mean, if you're not busy, we could just get massages together?

Larry:...What?

Ben:It's not weird. People do it all the time. It's just relaxing.

Larry:Ben, I don't think that's a good idea.

Andy:Wait, Larry had a medical emergency? That's awesome!

Tom:It's not awesome, Andy.

Andy:No, I know, I'm sorry. I just mean, like, he's gonna have the best story to tell. 'Oh, I had a heart attack and then I farted.' That's gold!

Leslie:So you're going to be getting a check for $5,000, which is really life-changing money. You could pay off debts, or take a trip, or finally get that thing fixed that's been broken in your house for years.

Rosie:We're going to spend it all on lottery tickets.

Leslie:Oh. Okay. Well, that's... that's one option.

Andy:I'm gonna give you guys my Blockbuster membership card. It's still active, I think. You can rent movies for free, probably forever.

Andy:And I'm gonna throw in my collection of outdated celebrity gossip magazines. You'll learn some stuff about what Brangelina was up to in 2007.

Andy:Oh, and this half-eaten sandwich from my car. It's a little fuzzy, but I think that's just seasoning.

Donna:You know what? I don't care what that review said. I am like Thor. T-H-O-R. Thor. Not like some weak little Thor. I'm a full-powered, hammer-wielding, Asgardian Thor. Thor.

Ron:Dear Soda Fountain Enthusiast, I am writing to express my disgust with your frozen yogurt establishment. You call this yogurt? It is a frozen abomination, a dessert masquerading as culture. Your toppings bar is a monument to excess and poor decision-making, much like most of human civilization. The sprinkles are too colorful, the whipped cream too optimistic. This frozen disappointment has set back the cause of actual dairy by decades. I have seen more integrity in a bowl of sherbet. Sincerely, Ron Swanson.

Ben:I've watched Enchanted five times.

Ben:Look, the first time was for Leslie. The second time was because Leslie wanted to watch it again. The third time I was just... in the room. But the last two times? That was all me. It's a good movie.

Ben:I'm trying to recreate that scene from The Princess Bride where Westley says 'As you wish.' So I thought I'd say something romantic in Old English or whatever.

Ben:Hark, fair maiden, thy beauty doth... um... shine brightly?

Leslie:Ben, what are you doing?

Ben:I read online that period language is romantic. I'm not good at this.

Tom:Old people are like flip phones. They're outdated, nobody uses them anymore, and they're just taking up space in the drawer.

Tom:Actually, wait... flip phones eventually just die and nobody mourns them.

Tom:Oh God, I'm gonna die alone.

Elderly Woman:I'm not touching him unless he's been drinking.

Ben:Can I get some water before we go on?

Leslie:You know what? No. Because every time you drink water, you make that sound. That gulping sound. It's so loud and annoying.

Ben:Leslie, that's just how people drink water.

Leslie:Well, it's distracting. And we're about to go live on television, so maybe just... don't.

Wife:Do you have to make that slurping sound every time you drink water?

Doug:Well, do you have to chew so loud? And why do you always hum while you're cooking? And could you please stop sighing every time I enter a room?

Doug:Yeah, I took some uppers before we came on TV. I wanted to be sharp, you know? Really energetic.

Doug:But then I remembered back in '87, I took some Quaaludes with this girl named Sheila. That was a Wednesday. By Friday, I couldn't remember my own name. By Sunday, I was in a ditch outside of Reno.

Doug:Do I look okay for TV?

Doug's Wife:You look like a thumb that gained sentience and decided to become a news anchor.

Donna:Kyle, I rejected your cat adoption application.

Kyle:What? Why?

Donna:Because you're not responsible enough. You can't even keep a plant alive.

Kyle:That's not fair!

Donna:I did it for your own good. You should be thanking me. But you're not going to, because you're fired.

Kyle:You can't fire me.

Donna:You're fired.

April:Ron, you can't just write 'Dear America' on a letter and not put a stamp on it.

Ron:Why not? I'm addressing the entire country.

April:That's not how the postal system works.

Ron:Well, it should be. I have some very important things to say to these people, and most of them are about how lazy they are.

Ron Swanson:I don't believe in marriage. It's an antiquated concept designed by the government to control our lives.

Ron Swanson:But if I were to get married, it would be for practical reasons only: tax benefits, someone to manage my woodworking inventory, and a legal witness to my will.

Doug:I married my wife purely to spite my parents and insult her town.

Casual confession of decades-old adultery on live radio

Rosie:Well, since we're being honest, I've been having an affair with your brother for three years.

Tom:You know, playing shuffleboard, early bird specials, napping at 3 PM... Wait. Why does that sound amazing?

Ron:Dear Vegetable Garden Restaurant, I have nothing but contempt for your philosophy. Eating a meal without meat is like watching television without sound. It's pointless and makes me angry. However, I will be dining at your establishment this Friday evening. My son is graduating, and his mother insists we celebrate at your restaurant. I have only one request: prepare the largest steak you have. If you do not have steak, prepare the largest block of cheese you have. I will eat nothing else. Sincerely, Ron Swanson.

Ron:What are you afraid of? That they'll come after you? Have you seen a vegan? They're all like 110 pounds and very pale. I could take on six vegans with my bare hands tied behind my back. Actually, I could take on six vegans with my bare hands tied in front of my back.

Donna:I knew it was April because only April would write a fake review saying 'This funeral home gave me chills... and not in a good way.'

April:Your outfit today is really not working for you.

Donna:Okay, we're done being direct.

Craig:I have a split personality. There's Craig, who's a gentle soul who loves Sex and the City, and then there's the other Craig, who will cut you.

Craig:We're trying to book an R&B singer for the Unity Concert. If we can actually get someone big, it could be life-changing for this whole department.

Craig:I'm talking about the kind of impact that makes people remember where they were when they heard the announcement.

Leslie:A Unity Concert? That's... I... we could... the whole town... everyone together... music and... oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!

Leslie:Woop woop woop! Oh my God, yes! Mmmmph! Whee!

April:She's excited about something.

Leslie:Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my—Ben, this is... I can't even... This is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen and I'm going to cry and also I might throw up, but like, in a good way.

Leslie:You son of a—gun. You beautiful son of a gun.

Leslie:I got you something. It's the Iron Throne from Game of Thrones, but it's a replica made by this artisan who's been a fan since before the books were even published.

Ben:Leslie, this is incredible. How did you even find someone who could make this?

Leslie:Well, I may have spent the last three months tracking down the most dedicated Game of Thrones fan in the tri-state area. And when I say dedicated, I mean this person has read all the books multiple times, watches the show, has attended every Comic-Con since 2011, and once drove seventeen hours just to visit the filming locations in Croatia.

Ben:That's... that's a lot of dedication.

Leslie:Yeah. Oh, and they're also my mom.

Leslie:Winter is coming.

Ben:Actually, the line is 'The winters are coming.'

Leslie:No, it's definitely 'Winter is coming.'

Ben:No, no, I'm pretty sure there's an article. 'The winters are coming.'

Leslie:Ben, I'm sitting on the Iron Throne. I think I know what I'm talking about.

Ben:Leslie, please, you're quoting it wrong! It's 'The winters are coming!' THE WINTERS! It's a metaphor for multiple hardships!

Leslie:Winter. Singular. Is. Coming.

Ben:NO! NO NO NO! You're ruining Game of Thrones! You're ruining television! You're ruining WINTER!

Leslie:And that's why we should adopt the Stark family motto for our department: 'Winter is Coming.'

Ben:Leslie, that's Game of Thrones.

Leslie:Right, the one with all the dragons and the throne made of swords. Very inspiring for government work.

Ben:Please stop talking about franchises you haven't watched.

Leslie:What? I watched it. I watched at least twenty minutes of it on an airplane once.