Moira Vs. Town Council

Moira:We've been reduced to living like we're in a Mumbai slum. A Mum-BYE slum, if you will.

Moira:I simply cannot live like this. The squalor, the filth, the absolute degradation of it all.

Johnny:Moira, we've been through this. We're doing the best we can with what we have.

Moira:Well, at least that broken toilet is blocking the view of the broken sink.

Moira:As Oprah once said, 'You get a car, and you get a car, and everybody gets a car!'

Moira:Well, actually, I think it was more like, 'Believe in yourself and you can achieve anything.'

Moira:Or was that... someone famous? A celebrity of some kind?

Moira:It could've been from a movie. Or possibly a fortune cookie.

Moira:The point is, someone important said something inspirational once, and it changed my life.

Moira:Well, someone needs to do something about the aesthetic of this town. It's simply unacceptable. The storefronts are dreary, the streetlamps are pedestrian, and don't even get me started on the color palette of the buildings. Surely the town council has a budget for this sort of thing?

David:Mom, you can't just expect the town to redesign itself because you don't like it.

Moira:Well, I'm not going to do it, David. I didn't move to this godforsaken place to work.

Moira:I need someone to plant peonies.

Johnny:You could plant them yourself.

Moira:Myself? Johnny, I have a very specific relationship with dirt, and it's not a planting one.

Moira:I am not planting flowers. I don't care if we're living in a barn and eating gruel. There are some lines that, even in our current state of desperation, I will not cross. And manual labor is one of them.

Alexis:You know what's nice? This. Just... the silence. It's so peaceful.

Alexis:I just really love silence, you know? Like, I could just sit in silence for hours. It's so peaceful and zen and...

Alexis:The beauty of silence is really something special. It's so peaceful and serene. I mean, when you really think about it, silence is like the ultimate luxury. Most people don't appreciate it enough.

Mutt:You've been talking for twenty minutes.

Alexis:I'm not a mute.

Mutt:No, you're the opposite of a mute.

Alexis:Well, I have to keep talking because if I stop, no one else will say anything, and then it'll just be silent, and I'll die.

David:They're fun.

Alexis:They look pornographic.

Alexis:Have you seen my scarves? I want to pair them with some of my knick-knacks.

David:I sold those.

Alexis:What?

David:Yeah, they were taking up space in the store.

David:When I was working in fashion, there was this designer who insisted on wearing the same cologne every single day. He said it was part of his brand identity.

David:One day, someone asked him what it was, and he said, 'It's a custom blend that costs $300 a bottle.'

David:Turns out it was just Old Spice and regret.

David:I got some jewelry stands, a few decorative boxes, and some throw pillows.

Alexis:Wait, you got jewelry stands? Like, stands for jewelry?

David:Yes, Alexis. Stands. For jewelry.

Alexis:But... why would jewelry need to stand? Jewelry doesn't stand. Jewelry is small.

David:It's a display piece.

Alexis:So you're displaying... the stand?

David:You display jewelry *on* the stand, Alexis.

Alexis:Oh my God. OH MY GOD. You're making furniture... for jewelry. That's insane.

Moira:Your accent is so striking. Where are you from originally?

Ray:Winnipeg.

Moira:Oh. I was thinking somewhere more... exotic.

Moira:Ray, I need your help with a complaint.

Ray:Of course, Moira. What seems to be the problem?

Moira:Well, I was told you'd be a pushover.

Ray:I'm not a pushover. I'm simply a person who enjoys saying yes to things.

Ray:I'd be happy to help you with the council.

Moira:Ray, you're not on the council.

Ray:Well, no, but I have a podcast.

Moira:Does anyone listen to it?

Ray:My mother downloads every episode.

Johnny:You know, David, sometimes you just have to go out there and give it the old college try.

David:Dad, I went to college. I don't remember anyone trying anything 'old' about it.

Johnny:It's just an expression, son.

David:Well, it's a very confusing one. And frankly, it makes you sound like you're about to tell me about the Depression.

Johnny:Well, you know, when someone says they're going to the salt mines, it's just an expression. It means you're going to work.

David:But why salt? Why not just say you're going to work?

Johnny:Because... it's an expression. People say it. It's a figure of speech.

David:Yes, but what is the origin? Why salt mines specifically?

Johnny:I... it's just something people say when they're talking about, you know, going to work. Hard work. Difficult labor.

David:So you don't actually know.

Johnny:No. I have no idea.

David:I'm not really a 'working man.' I organized color swatches by tone and opacity.

Johnny:Here, have a beer. You've earned it.

David:Thank you.

Johnny:Oh... I drank the last one.

David:Of course you did.

Johnny:I'm very proud of you, David. You got this job entirely on your own merit.

David:Thank you, Dad.

Johnny:Yes, well, usually I have to make a few calls, smooth things over with the manager, maybe take them to lunch.

David:Dad—

Johnny:Sometimes slip them an envelope under the table. Once, I may have promised a man a timeshare in Boca Raton. But this time? All you.

Johnny:I promise I won't interfere with your life anymore.

Johnny:But you really should diversify your portfolio. You're putting too much into the store.

David:Dad, you're interfering.

Johnny:No, I'm not. I'm just saying, as someone who's lost everything, I know a thing or two about financial ruin.

David:What does that even mean?

Johnny:Well, you know, it's just an expression. When something is... it's like when you're in a situation and things are... they're not going the way you thought they would.

David:That's not an explanation.

Johnny:No, no, I know what I'm doing. It means like, uh, when you assume something is going to happen a certain way, but then it doesn't, so you're caught off guard by the... the unexpectedness of it all.

Alexis:Oh my God, someone's breaking in! No, wait... they're taking things. They're robbing us! We're being robbed! This is so typical. First we lose all our money, and now someone's stealing what's left. I literally cannot afford to be robbed right now. Do you know how expensive it is to replace stolen items when you're poor? I don't even have insurance anymore. Well, I have insurance, but it's not the kind that covers robbery. It's the kind that covers, like, being too fabulous for regular coverage or whatever.

Alexis:Oh my God. Oh my God, no. No, no, no. What is happening right now? Where did you go? Like, where's the beard? That was like, your whole thing. That was your identity. I don't even know who you are right now. You look like a completely different person. Like, a person I would never date. Which is good because I'm already dating you, so that would be weird, but also deeply concerning because I'm not attracted to this.

Alexis:Like, okay, so David and I have been trying to communicate better, right? And I was like, 'babe, we need to go on this journey together.' And he was like, 'what journey?' And I'm like, 'the journey of like, deciding whether you're gonna shave or not.'

Alexis:I was a beard for Chad Mulligan for like six months. He's a closeted actor.

Mutt:Wait, so your favorite thing about me was my beard?

Alexis:No, I didn't say that—

Mutt:You literally just said it was your favorite thing.

Alexis:I mean, it was *a* favorite thing. You have many favorite things about you.

Mutt:Name one.

Alexis:Your... your passion for the environment.

Mutt:You once asked me what a watershed was.

Alexis:Well, I like that you're... outdoorsy.

Mutt:You got poison oak that one time we went hiking and you complained the entire way back to the car.

Alexis:Okay, but I like your beard, Mutt. I really do.

Mutt:Now you're just saying that.

Alexis:Oh my God, you have lips. Like, full lips. They're very... pouty. It's like you've been hiding a whole other face under there.

Jazzagal (Ronnie):The ramp launches wheelchair users backward into traffic

Roland:Oh good, Moira's here. Now we can finally get this meeting started.

Johnny:This toilet paper is like party streamers. It's thin, it's flimsy, and it falls apart the moment you actually use it.

Johnny:You heard that?

Stevie:Every word.

Johnny:I was... I was trying to be funny.

Stevie:I'm not going anywhere. This is better than cable.

Johnny:A write-off is when you write off a bad debt.

David:Right, so you just write it off.

Johnny:Well, it's not quite that simple.

David:But you do write it off though?

Johnny:Yes, but—

David:So you're telling me that whenever I have a problem, I can just make it go away by writing it off?

Johnny:No, that's not what a write-off is.

David:Then what is it? You just... write it off!

Johnny:It's for tax purposes.

David:Oh, so it IS free money from the government!

Johnny:So who actually pays for these write-offs?

David:Well, it's a deduction, so... the government?

Johnny:The government pays for your write-offs?

David:No, I mean... you write off the expense, so you don't pay taxes on it.

Johnny:So the government loses money.

David:Well, technically, everyone loses a little bit of money.

Johnny:Including you?

David:No, I write it off. That's the whole thing. You write off people.

David:My complexion is a direct reflection of the Rose Apothecary brand. If my skin looks bad, the store looks bad. Therefore, this $300 moisturizer is a business expense.

David:I'm going to return some things.

David:I bought a massage chair.

Moira:You know, I have standards. I'm not going to lower them just because we're living in a motel. It's like... it's like having a baby in prison. You don't just put the toilet in the nursery.

Moira:When you carry something for nine months, you develop a certain attachment to it. It's like a prison baby.

Council member:I'm sorry, a prison baby?

Moira:Yes, you know, when you're incarcerated and you have a baby in prison.

Council member:I... I don't think that's a real thing.

Moira:I'm not saying I have a prison baby, I'm saying my relationship with my eyebrows is like a prison baby — I didn't ask for it, I didn't plan for it, and now I'm stuck with it.

Council member:So just to clarify... how many prison babies are we talking about?

Twyla:You know, I've noticed you never eat solid food. It's always smoothies and protein shakes and things you can drink through a straw.

Alexis:I think we need to work on our communication. Like, when you say something, I don't always understand what you mean.

Mutt:Okay, what do you mean?

Alexis:Well, like, you use a lot of words that I don't think are real words. Or you use them in a way that doesn't make sense to me.

Moira:I don't know what you're talking about. I am notoriously efficient. Why, just last week, I organized a benefit for the de-clawing of Winnie Mandela's cat.

Roland:You know, your wife, she's like a force of nature. She comes in here, she makes a big production out of everything, but somehow things just... get done. It's like watching a tornado in a wig organize a filing system.

Moira:The eczema benefit was a nightmare. The air was so thick with flaking skin cells, it looked like it was snowing indoors. People were scratching themselves raw, leaving little piles of dermis on the furniture. I saw one woman shed so much, I thought she was molting. The smell—my God, the smell of a thousand medicated creams mingling together created this sort of... clinical funk that clung to everything. I had to burn my clothes afterward. Twice.

Alexis:Well, you know, it's not just about the relationship ending. It's about all the intimate moments we shared, and how he would just—

Alexis:Wait, no. I'm not doing this with you.

David:Thank God.

Alexis:I've never really felt anything after a breakup. I just kind of... move on.

Alexis:My therapist says I should probably see a cardiologist about that.

Alexis:David, I need a hug.

David:I'm sorry, what?

Alexis:Oh my God, David, your sheets are so soft!

David:They're Egyptian cotton, 1000 thread count.

Alexis:That's amazing. You should write those off.

David:Write off my sheets?

Alexis:Yeah, like a business expense.

David:Alexis, we've been through this. You can't just write off personal items.

Alexis:But you sleep on them at night, so you're well-rested for work.

David:That's not how write-offs work.

Alexis:It totally is.

David:Mother, why is there a condom on the front lawn?

Moira:Well, I don't know, David. Perhaps it blew in from the wind?

Alexis:Or maybe it's from one of the neighbors?

David:Yes, well, it's on *our* property, so unless you'd like me to go door-to-door with a Ziploc bag, I suggest we just ignore it.

Johnny:I'll get it.

David:Were these plants always here?

Johnny:No, David. When we first moved in, this place was completely barren. It was like a desert. A wasteland. The walls were bare, the floors were cold and empty. There wasn't a living thing in sight. It was bleaker than my portfolio.

Johnny:There's a condom in here.

David:Oh my god, why would you— why would you keep pointing that out?