The One with the Mugging

Let's get past the moment.

If I don't know who makes the most... how do I know who I like the most? Hi, Joey.

Right. So it'll be the same, except less sex with you.

Humiliating and noble.

Ross, you did not come up with 'got milk?'

I should've written it down.

Joey, you're never gonna believe it! She called! - She did? - You got it! - I did? - What is she talking about? I don't know, but it sounds great!

Not that little one underneath the deli like last time.

I read it and didn't understand a single word!

No, but I saw the previews. They played it right before Jackass.

When the monkey hits him in the face with the giant rubber phone.

Maybe the monkey will be at the audition. Don't make me more nervous than I already am!

Except for the tie, the briefcase and the fact that I can rent a car.

I know I'm a little older than you guys, but it's not like I'm Bob Hope. The comedian. USO. Uh, it's U.S.A., sir.

Tell me about it, huh? 'Unlimited nights and weekends!'

I almost lost a cousin because of bad wireless service.

When they shoot you out of that cannon... 'Hang up that phone!' One take.

Oh! Oh, I thought that was your character's name. You know? I thought you were, like, an Indian or something, you know, with the...

'I could go right now, mon!' Huh?

If you wanna sleep with him, do it on your own time. This is a play. I will call my agent so fast... on a cell phone connection so clear, he's gonna think I'm next door!

And also, how you doing?

I really doubt that.

And don't learn the words. Let the words learn you.

Couldn't I just sleep with the producer?

Oh, I hear divorce bells.

I knew you'd be my death, Phoebe Buffay!

Ross, this is my old friend, Lowell, from the streets!

I can't believe you're still doing this. - Ah, I know. But I quit smoking. - Good for you.

Excuse me, Ross, old friends catching up.

Well, so far so good.

Wow! It's like they're on fire!

I'll give you $500 for them.

They're called 'kicks' or 'skids.' I think I heard somebody say 'slorps.'

Kids! Kids! Roll your way to childhood obesity!

Have you considered using a girl with huge knockers?

Why do you think I buy Mrs. Butterworth's?

I'm sorry, I have friends outside the six of us.

I didn't eat gold and have a flying pony.

Your mother killed herself. - She was a drug dealer.

I was about to do some serious damage. - Okay.

Ahem, Wonder Woman. Ahem.

pick up a couple of dozen linzer tortes for someone...

Science Boy. - Oh, yeah! What was his superpower again? - A superhuman thirst for knowledge.

No. Actually, you might wanna stay away from Jane Street. That's where Stabby Joe works.

preteen comic-book nerds were my meat.

'Geology rocks!' Oh, my God! I know! I mugged Ross!

But I am bursting with Yoo-hoo!

this squirmy quality... you bring to the character I couldn't have imagined.

Look at that! Still in character. I like him.

I plant seeds. I can't explain it. I don't know.

They're so uncomfortable, it's like getting kicked in the nuts for your feet.

Yesterday at my audition, I had to pee. Apparently, that makes me a good actor.

Joey, that was formula. - We gotta get more of that.

Yeah, I think I broke my hip.

Well, there was actually a rather lively discussion about the Pleistocene... All right, nothing is worth this.

You don't think I would have defended myself against a 14-year-old...? Oh, my God, it was you!

I mean, well, it's just that I've always felt kind of like an outsider. You know, the rest of you have these connections that go way back... and, you know, now you and I have a great one.

It's not the best!

Really? Even more humiliating than... Let's not do this!

And then, at the end of the commercial, the girls get out of the hot tub... and start making out with each other. Huh? Huh? Huh?

That's interesting. Just one thought: You didn't mention the shoes.

Not suitable for adults.

Or, man who's two years younger than me.

The cold weather hurts my hip.

Science Boy.

Yeah. But you should know I also have a jar of Vaseline and a cat skull in here.

Absolutely amazing. The part is yours.

You don't have a job, but you have no problem ordering porn. On a Saturday afternoon? I was in the house!

She was the huge guy that mugged you? Yeah. - I see. You didn't happen to tell... - Everybody we know? Yeah. - Great. Thanks.