The One With The Mugging

Monica:I'm not pregnant.

Monica:I'm so proud of you for getting that raise!

Monica:You know, I base all my friendships on income.

Monica:Hey Joey!

Joey:We have interns at Days of our Lives.

Chandler:Well, that's great. At least you'll have someone your own age to talk to.

Chandler:Getting coffee as a grown man is humiliating.

Joey:But also noble.

Ross:I would've been really good in advertising.

Monica:You? You once told me you came up with 'Got Milk?'

Ross:I did come up with that!

Monica:Ross, you don't even drink milk.

Monica:Ross, you did not create 'got milk?'

Ross:I did! I just... forgot to write it down.

Ross:It's like when you have a great idea in the shower and then you forget it.

Monica:Except you didn't have the idea.

Monica:Oh my God, oh my God! He called me back!

Joey:That's amazing! I'm so happy for you!

Monica:I know, right? I can't believe it!

Joey:So what did he say? Tell me everything!

Monica:Well, he said...

Joey:Oh man, this is huge!

Phoebe:Wait, who called?

Joey:I don't know, but it's incredible!

Phoebe:Yeah, yeah, incredible!

Monica:It's a real theater.

Joey:I know it's a real theater! My last theater was real too!

Monica:Joey, it was the back room of a Chinese restaurant.

Monica:It was great! I didn't understand a word of it, but that's how you know it's a good play.

Monica:I only saw the previews. They played them before Jackass.

Monica:Your phone commercials are amazing work.

Leonard Hayes:Thank you. Though I have to say, getting hit by a monkey with a phone isn't exactly the most dignified way to make a living.

Monica:There's this commercial where a monkey steals a guy's sandwich.

Joey:A monkey steals a guy's sandwich? That's my bit! I do that!

Monica:No, Joey, it's a monkey.

Joey:Well, yeah, but I could play a monkey. I'm an actor!

Chandler:I'm just like the other interns. I wear the same clothes, I eat the same food, I go to the same clubs.

Chandler:Well, okay, I have a 401k, a colonoscopy, and I'm pretty sure I have osteoporosis.

Chandler:You know, I'm not that old. I'm down with the kids. I watch their shows, I listen to their music. Why, just the other day I was watching Bob Hope on television.

Intern:Bob Hope? He died in 2003.

Chandler:What? No, he... I just saw him last week on... okay, fine, I'm old.

Joey:Can you hear me now? Yeah, that's from a phone commercial, but the way I said it... Shakespeare, baby!

Leonard:I almost lost a cousin because of bad wireless service.

Joey:Leonard, that commercial where you got shot out of a cannon? Genius!

Leonard:Thanks! And I did it in one take.

Joey:One take? You were in the hospital for three weeks!

Joey:Long Pause? That's a great Indian name!

Joey:Long... Pause.

Joey:Hey, hey, hey! Let me try it with an accent, mon.

Joey:How was dat? Pretty good, right?

Leonard:If you wanna sleep with him, do it on your own time. This is a play. I will call my agent so fast... on a cell phone connection so clear, he's gonna think I'm next door!

Joey:Please, give me one more chance. I promise I won't let you down.

Joey:How you doin'?

Director:You're thinking too much.

Joey:No I'm not.

Director:You need to find the emotional truth in this scene. Dig deeper into your character's subconscious.

Director:Feel the negative space around the words. Let the silence speak for you.

Director:Now I want you to channel the essence of a color you've never seen. Act as if you're made of Tuesday.

Joey:Wait, so you're telling me I need to find my character's motivation, tap into my emotional core, and remember all these ridiculous techniques just to read lines?

Joey:You know what? Maybe I should just sleep with the producer instead.

Ross:I have a really good feeling about this one. I think after two dates, this could be it.

Chandler:Oh, I can already hear the wedding bells!

Chandler:Wait, no... those are divorce bells.

Ross:Phoebe! Phoebe Buffay! Do you have any idea what you've done?! You've doomed us all!

Phoebe:Oh my God, David! I haven't seen you in so long!

Mugger:Give me your wallet.

Phoebe:Everyone, this is David. We used to live together on the streets. He's great!

Phoebe:You're still mugging people?

Lowell:Yeah, but I quit smoking.

Phoebe:Oh my God, that's great!

Ross:You were mugged?

Phoebe:Oh yeah, like five times.

Ross:Five times?!

Phoebe:Yeah, well, one of those times I was mugged for a bicycle, but it was okay because I didn't have a bike.

Ross:That doesn't make it okay!

Phoebe:Oh my God, I'm sorry, I have to go. He's waiting for me outside.

Ross:Who?

Phoebe:The mugger. We're getting coffee.

Monica:Yeah, that's perfect advice for you.

Monica:Think less. You're a natural.

Monica:What are those?

Chandler:No self-respecting adult would wear these shoes.

Joey:How much are they?

Chandler:Those are nice sneakers.

Joey:Sneakers? Dude, nobody calls them sneakers anymore. They're called slorps.

Chandler:Slorps?

Joey:Yeah, slorps. That's what all the kids are wearing now.

Chandler:Introducing Wheely Shoes: because who needs exercise when you can have varicose veins and deep vein thrombosis?

Chandler:Joey, I need your help. How do I sell these shoes?

Joey:Well, you could use sex appeal. Take some pictures of yourself in just the shoes and nothing else.

Chandler:Joey, that's not going to help sell shoes!

Joey:Hey, it works for me.

Joey:Hey, if attractive women sell stuff, I'm all for it. Works on me every time.

Chandler:What do you mean?

Joey:I buy that maple syrup just because the bottle's shaped like a woman.

Ross:How do you know a mugger?

Phoebe:Well, you know, there's only like 200 people in New York, so eventually you meet everyone.

Phoebe:Well, you guys don't understand what it was like living on the streets. I had to do what I had to do to survive.

Monica:Phoebe, we get it, but—

Phoebe:No, you don't! You with your fancy apartment and your crystal chandeliers made of solid gold! And Rachel, you probably bathe in champagne while sitting on a throne carved from diamonds!

Phoebe:And Joey, I bet you have a solid platinum toilet that plays opera when you flush it!

Chandler:I wish.

Phoebe:My mother was killed by a drug dealer.

Monica:Phoebe, your mother committed suicide.

Phoebe:Yeah, but she was *also* a drug dealer.

Ross:If someone tried to mug me, I'd be ready. I've been taking a self-defense class.

Monica:Okay.

Monica:*clears throat* Wonder Woman.

Ross:I was mugged! They took my wallet, my watch, my... oh, and some fancy cookies I was bringing to someone.

Chandler:Fancy cookies? Who were those for?

Ross:Just... someone.

Monica:You got mugged and you're worried about fancy cookies for 'someone'?

Ross:Someone stole my comic book character! My original creation!

Joey:What was his superpower?

Ross:Academic curiosity.

Joey:That's not a superpower, Ross. That's just... you.

Ross:Are there any other friends of yours I should know about? You know, like, dangerous criminals I should avoid?

Phoebe:Oh, well there's my friend Knife Guy.

Ross:Knife Guy?

Phoebe:Yeah, but he's not really a bad guy. I mean, he just has a lot of knives.

Phoebe:I'm an expert at mugging. I target the little kids, you know, the ones that are all alone. I creep up behind them real slow, real quiet...

Phoebe:And then I jump out and I go 'Boo!' and I scare the crap out of them and I take their stuff.

Phoebe:She had this sticker on her backpack.

Ross:What kind of sticker?

Phoebe:It said 'I'm with stupid.' And there was an arrow pointing... that way.

Ross:At who?

Phoebe:At you!

Joey:Can I use the bathroom?

Monica:Leonard doesn't wait.

Joey:I'll have a juice box and a fruit roll-up! Please!

Leonard:this squirmy quality... you bring to the character I couldn't have imagined.

Joey:I gotta go, I gotta go right now!

Director:Now THAT'S the kind of commitment to character I'm looking for! That desperation, that urgency!

Director:You really disappeared into that role. When do you start?

Leonard:You know, I have to say, I saw real potential in Joey from the very beginning. There's a raw, visceral quality to his work—a kind of Method authenticity that's really quite remarkable.

Joey:Wait, what? You told me I was gonna bomb!

Leonard:Yes, well, I was testing you. Reverse psychology. It's a technique I use with all my discoveries.

Chandler:Oh my God, it's like someone's stepping on my testicles!

Joey:I got this audition, right? And I show up, and the casting director takes one look at me and says, 'You're perfect for the lead!' So I'm thinking, 'Great, I nailed it!' But then she goes, 'We need someone who looks like they have no idea what they're doing.' So I just... stood there. And I got the part!

Joey:This eggnog is amazing!

Monica:That's not eggnog, that's baby formula.

Joey:Well, where do you buy it? I want to get some more!

Chandler:Okay, check it out, I got wheeled sneakers!

Chandler:How cool am I right now?

Chandler:Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Chandler:Okay, that hurt.

Monica:So how's that class you're teaching going?

Ross:Oh, it's great! Well, actually, we've been covering some fascinating material on paleontological methodology and the implications of recent findings in the Mesozoic era...

Monica:Yeah, I'm gonna stop you right there.

Ross:I would totally fight back. I'm not helpless. I'd defend myself.

Ross:Wait... that was Phoebe?

Phoebe:I'm sorry I mugged you, Ross. I was just so lonely, and I thought maybe if we had a traumatic bonding experience together, we'd be closer.

Ross:Phoebe, that's not how bonding works!

Phoebe:Well, it worked for my mom and her cellmate.

Phoebe:You know, I think that mugging really brought us together.

Ross:Yeah, well, I think we can bond over other things that don't involve a criminal act.

Ross:Being mugged is the most humiliating thing that's ever happened to me.

Monica:Well, I don't know, I mean there was that time when you were in high school and—

Ross:Monica!

Joey:Okay, so picture this: A woman walks into a bar, very classy, very sophisticated. She orders a drink, and as she takes that first sip, she realizes her life is about to change.

Chandler:That's good, that's really good.

Joey:Wait, there's more. Another woman walks in. Also beautiful. They lock eyes across the bar.

Chandler:Okay...

Joey:And then they realize they both ordered the same drink. It's a sign. They come together and—

Chandler:Joey, what are you doing?

Joey:What? It works! They kiss, the camera pulls back, and we see they're at a beach at sunset. You like it, right? Tell me you like it.

Joey:So picture this: a beautiful woman, soft lighting, sensual music playing... she slowly removes her shoe...

Boss:That's a shoe commercial, right?

Joey:Yeah!

Boss:Maybe mention the shoes.

Chandler:The tagline writes itself: 'Nike: For when you're really athletic and coordinated... which, let's be honest, you're probably not.'

Chandler:Thank you, sir. And for the record, I'm not old. I'm 29.

Boss:You just said you were 34 last week.

Chandler:Well, I've had a rough week.

Chandler:Why does my back hurt? I'm only 30!

Phoebe:So I found all your stuff in the storage unit. Here's your childhood comic book.

Ross:Oh my god, my comic book! I can't believe you found this!

Phoebe:Yeah, and check out the character you created. It's pretty amazing.

Ross:Oh no... I forgot about that. That's so embarrassing.

Ross:Thank you so much for saving my comic book, Phoebe. I really appreciate it.

Phoebe:Oh, no problem! You know, I've been holding onto a lot of things people lost. I've got your comic, a really nice briefcase from 1987, someone's retainer, three Walkmans, and a shoe that I'm pretty sure belonged to a mayor.

Joey:I gotta go, I gotta go right now!

Leonard:Wow, that's incredible! The desperation, the raw emotion—that's real method acting!

Monica:Joey, this cable bill is insane! And what are all these charges for?

Joey:Hey, I'm home a lot, okay? A guy's gotta have options.

Monica:Options? Joey, you're ordering porn at two in the afternoon!

Joey:So? It's daytime! What am I supposed to do, just sit here bored?

Ross:You know about the mugging?

Chandler:Yeah, Phoebe told me.

Ross:Who else knows?

Chandler:Oh, just Monica, Joey, Rachel... pretty much everyone.

Ross:WHAT?!