The One With The Boob Job

Monica:What's wrong?

Joey:Rabies.

Ross:I can't believe how fast Emma's growing up. I was just thinking about all these precious memories we have together.

Rachel:That's so sweet, Ross. What's your favorite memory with her?

Ross:Well, there was this one time when she was about three months old, and she farted right in my face.

Joey:Why is everyone just standing there like that? Did I miss something?

Joey:Are we doing a thing? Because I'm really good at things.

Monica:When I was a kid, I had $127 in my piggy bank. By the end of summer, I'd spent it all on Thin Mints.

Monica:I don't know exactly what happened to our money.

Monica:It must have been that corporate scandal. You know, the one that's happening right now.

Monica:I support you doing what you love, Chandler. I really do. I just wish your passion was more financially practical.

Monica:We need to cut back on expenses. Starting now, nobody touches the fridge without asking.

Joey:Nobody? Monica, I'm Joey Tribbiani. The fridge and I have an understanding.

Monica:Well, understand this: you're banned. From now on, I'm eating all your food.

Joey:My food? Monica, I don't have food. That's the whole point.

Chandler:Yeah, and what are we gonna find in there? A half-empty bottle of ketchup and a can of beans from 1987?

Chandler:We could borrow from my parents.

Monica:Or we could sue them and make a lot more money.

Chandler:My father taught me something very important. He said, 'Son, if you ever find yourself in an awkward situation, just leave the room.'

Chandler:That's it. That's the wisdom. Get out. Don't stay, don't try to fix it, just go.

Chandler:I'll be the man and get us through this.

Monica:How?

Chandler:You work harder.

Mike:You love watching animals fight.

Phoebe:I do not!

Phoebe:Come on, the mantis is totally gonna take him down!

Mike:I have some clothes you could wear.

Phoebe:Oh, that's so sweet! Thank you.

Mike:Yeah, well... I tried on your tube top.

Mike:He's already turned them inside out

Phoebe:Come on, little guy, you can make it! Run, run, run! Oh my God, no! No, no, no! You're so slow! The cheetah is gonna get you! Why are you running toward the rocks? That's stupid! Go left! LEFT! Oh, you idiot, now you're trapped!

Phoebe:I hate going home. My stepfather's always there.

Mike:Yeah, well, I live above a drug dealer. And I have to go home to my wife.

Phoebe:Oh my God, yes! I want to move in with you!

Phoebe:I want to wake up next to you, and fall asleep next to you, and spend the rest of my life with you.

Phoebe:But I'm keeping my apartment because I think it's bad luck to give up an apartment in New York.

Phoebe:I've always wanted to live with a guy.

Phoebe:He never puts the toilet seat down, he leaves his socks everywhere, and he's always watching sports on TV instead of paying attention to me.

Joey:What? It's not a big deal. Guys show their butts all the time on TV. Women don't want to see that anyway.

Joey:But when a woman shows her butt, suddenly it's 'controversial' and 'we need to alert the sponsors.' It's a double standard!

Joey:A man's rear end is a thing of beauty. It's art. It's natural. Why are we ashamed of the male form?

Monica:Joey, I need to ask you something about Chandler. It's kind of personal.

Joey:Whoa, whoa, whoa. Monica, I'm flattered, but I don't think Chandler would be cool with this.

Monica:What? No! I just wanted to know—

Joey:Look, you're a beautiful woman, but my boy Chandler is my best friend. I can't do that to him.

Monica:Joey, you're not listening to me!

Joey:But it would still be great!

Monica:Joey, can you lend me $2000?

Joey:Monica, do I look like I have $2000?

Joey:Wait... I'm on a TV show. I make like $20,000 an episode. Oh my God, I'm rich!

Monica:It would hurt Chandler's pride.

Joey:Chandler's pride? That's adorable.

Joey:I'm telling you, parents today are crazy with all this baby-proofing stuff. Corner guards, outlet covers, gates everywhere. It's insane!

Joey:I grew up without any of that and I turned out fine. Sure, I fell down the stairs a few times, got my head stuck in the bannister once, swallowed a whole bottle of vitamins... but look at me! I'm great!

Rachel:Do you think women can't do handiwork?

Joey:No, no, I think you can't do handiwork.

Rachel:I found the hardware store all by myself! I'm so proud of me.

Monica:That's great, Rach. Where is it?

Rachel:It's right next to Pottery Barn.

Monica:Rachel, that's two blocks away. There's one right on the corner of our street.

Rachel:What?!

Mike:Guys don't steal makeup like girls do.

Mike:I use makeup to imagine my sister.

Ross:So what's your domestic routine like with Mike?

Phoebe:Oh, we're just consciously parodying Monica and Chandler.

Ross:Your eyes are very blue.

Mike:Thanks.

Ross:I'm not gay. I just have eyes. And they work.

Phoebe:I want my wedding dress to have a neckline that says, 'I'm a bride, but I'm also a woman who knows what she wants.' You know, something that really showcases the girls, but in a classy way. Like, they should have their own spotlight, but they're still part of the ensemble cast.

Phoebe:You know what? I've been thinking. I want a normal life. A real family. A house in the suburbs with a white picket fence and 2.5 kids and a minivan and a golden retriever named Buddy.

Monica:Phoebe, that's wonderful!

Phoebe:Yeah, and I'm gonna bake cookies and drive carpool and volunteer at the PTA and wear those velvet tracksuits and drink wine from a giant goblet while I watch my stories.

Chandler:That's... very specific.

Phoebe:And I'm gonna name my minivan something cute like 'The Pheebus' and put those stick figure family decals on the back window, and every morning I'll say 'Have a great day at school, honey!' even if they're thirty years old.

Monica:Wait, did you just call her 'roomie'? That's so cute. You guys are like... groombies!

Monica:I'm like your groomie!

Mike:That's a good one. I wish I could come up with stuff like that. All I ever do is make stupid jokes.

Rachel:I don't know what I'm doing. I tried to put this safety gate up and it just... fell down. Twice. I think I bent it.

Joey:Wait, wait, wait. So you're broke?

Chandler:Yeah.

Joey:Wow. I figured that out all by myself!

Joey:Oh my God, I got it right! I got it right!

Joey:How did I do that? How did I know that?

Joey:I'm like a genius or something!

Joey:Wait, what were we talking about?

Joey:A lot of stuff.

Chandler:Monica doesn't need a boob job.

Joey:Yeah, what would be crazy is if she got a butt job.

Phoebe:Do you have a porn stash?

Mike:No, I don't have a porn stash.

Mike:It's in the desk drawer under the instruction manuals.

Mike:A 'groomie'? That's a play on words — 'groom' and 'roomie.' Get it? Because I'm the groom, and you're my roomie. So 'groomie.'

Phoebe:Wow, Mike, that's so funny! Oh my God, I get it now! It's like 'groom' and 'homie' put together! Wow, you're so smart!

Mike:Yeah, my wife, she's... she's really into extreme sports. Last week she went skydiving without a parachute.

Phoebe:Oh. That's... that's not good.

Phoebe:Well, maybe he'd feel differently if he was with someone else. I mean, I'm not perfect. I have one exception to perfect toilet behavior.

Rachel:I called, but I couldn't figure out how to use the baby gates. I mean, I can't even use chopsticks.

Ross:You can't use chopsticks?

Rachel:No! I always just end up eating a lot really fast and then crying.

Ross:Moths?

Chandler:Well, I wouldn't change anything about Rachel.

Rachel:Really?

Chandler:Well, there are two things...

Chandler:Your eyes are like... like two brown... things. And your skin is... smooth. And your legs go all the way up and make a butt.

Rachel:Did you just say my legs go all the way up and make a butt?

Chandler:I was going for poetry. How'd I do?

Rachel:You did great.

Chandler:Do you want any part of me to get bigger?

Rachel:Oh! Um... no.

Joey:Dude, what are you doing? First you're staring at her, then you're following her around the apartment, now you're smelling her hair?

Chandler:I was just—

Joey:No, no, no. I'm calling it. You've gone full creepy. You're like one restraining order away from being a guy on the news.

Rachel:So when you say 'don't get bigger,' you mean like my clothes?

Chandler:No, no, I just meant—

Rachel:Because that's what my high school volleyball coach used to say right before he'd make us run laps in our underwear.

Phoebe:And then there's the swelling, the mood swings, the incredible pain... but it's all magical!

Phoebe:Yeah, the man who's been married three times is an expert on love.

Ross:It's not 'Divorce-o,' it's 'Relationship Researcher.' I'm conducting a longitudinal study on the dissolution of romantic partnerships.

Phoebe:Divorce-o.

Ross:No, no, no. I prefer 'Serial Commitment Analyst.'

Chandler:Or you could just go with 'Three-Time Loser.'

Ross:We had some really good times before she came out.

Ross:And some really good times after.

Ross:The Divorcer. That's my nickname.

Phoebe:That's the saddest thing I've ever heard.

Rachel:Well, thank you. I love them too. I mean, what's not to love? They're like two little... I don't know, two little... okay, fine, they're breasts. But they're MY breasts, and I'm happy with them.

Chandler:I know you are. And I love them exactly the way they are.

Rachel:You know what? That's very sweet, but I'm thinking about getting them done.

Chandler:What?! No! Why would you do that?

Rachel:Because everyone in this city has them done!

Chandler:Rachel, that's like saying everyone's jumping off the Brooklyn Bridge, so you should too.

Rachel:That's different.

Chandler:How is that different?

Rachel:Because nobody would see them jumping off the Brooklyn Bridge!

Chandler:Your ass is gonna get bigger?

Rachel:Yeah, it's one of the side effects of pregnancy.

Chandler:Well, could you do me a favor? Could you not?

Chandler:Well, if I had to choose between having breasts and being bald, I guess I could live with the breasts.

Monica:What?!

Chandler:What? I'm just saying, at least I could wear a really nice sweater!

Monica:You know, after hearing all these stories about childbirth, I'm starting to get a little nervous.

Chandler:What? Why would you be nervous? It's just... pushing a watermelon through a—

Chandler:Oh my God. Oh my God!

Joey:Wait, wait, wait. So you're telling me you borrowed all that money and didn't even get the boobs?

Ross:Okay, okay, I've got it. From now on, when people ask me about my divorces, I'm going to tell them I'm not divorced... I'm 'serially committed.'

Chandler:That's not better.

Ross:What about 'marriage enthusiast'?

Phoebe:I can see myself in a Volvo. I'm driving through the woods, listening to NPR, and there's a dead body in the back.

Phoebe:Moving is so easy, right?

Mike:Oh yeah, piece of cake. My back only feels like it's been hit by a truck.

Joey:Where do you want this?

Joey:Actually, I'm not carrying anything. I'm just walking around with my hands out.

Mike:Oh my God. Oh my God!

Phoebe:What? What is it?

Mike:I just realized... you want to get married.

Mike:Aahhhhh!

Joey:I know this is a big moment, but we really need to figure out the logistics here. Where are we putting the couch?

Monica:Oh Phoebe, I'm so sorry about you and Frank Jr. But hey, look on the bright side - now you can finally redecorate that apartment! I've been dying to get in there with some throw pillows and a nice area rug.

Monica:His furniture is so ugly. I can't believe I dated him.

Ross:Um, Monica? You're still dating him.

Monica:I know.

Joey:Hey Phoebe, I'm really sorry about you and Mike. That's rough.

Phoebe:Thanks Joey. I just... I can't believe it's over.

Joey:Yeah, that's terrible. Hey, Mike's got any of that good leftover pasta in here?