The One with the Memorial Service

Oh, great. A faster way to tell people that I'm unemployed and childless.

Remember Andrea Rich? - Tall girl, wouldn't sleep with you? - Uh-huh. Well, her Internet company went under, and she lost an ear in a boating accident.

Bet she'd sleep with you now.

No, I already e-mailed her.

Wait a second. You split with Carol because you had different interests? I think you split with Carol because you had one very similar interest.

What, did you think you learned how to do it in the last two minutes?

Also, I cloned a dinosaur in my lab. She is now my girlfriend. I don't care what society says, it's the best sex I've ever had.

Dude! Uh, I think you made it clear you can't be trusted with the ball inside the house. And send.

It was fun. Right up until Chandler got a finger in the eye. Oh, no. Who did that? Chandler.

It's a stuffed animal, you know? It's for kids. Not for adults. I know that.

Rachel, let's be clear on this, okay? I do not love Huggsy. I like him a normal amount.

All right. Well, Emma loves him. Yeah. Well, why wouldn't she? He's a wonderful person.

I've tried everything to feel better. I even tried writing a song about it... but I can't think of anything that rhymes with: [SCREAMS]

Oh, good, because I've already thought of three. Four! I just thought of a fourth.

All right, if that's what you want. That was a test, and you just failed. Damn it! Rookie mistake.

I have sex with dinosaurs?

Not only is it not funny, it's physically impossible. Okay? Depending on the species, I'd have to have a 6-foot-long-- It's not funny!

I respectfully disagree.

I don't have a page. Oh, I respectfully disagree!

Look at you. All sweet and innocent, sleeping like an angel. With Emma's chubby little hands wrapped around you.

Step away from the crib! I have a weapon! It's okay! It's okay, Rach! It's me! Put down the scrunchie.

This isn't over.

Because I told everyone he slept with dinosaurs. Well, that's clearly a joke. This could easily be true.

No, he's not here. Yeah, this is his wife. Yeah. Well, it came as quite a shock to me too. Well, I guess I should've known. Yeah. He just kept making me watch Moulin Rouge.

I'm dead?

Well, how you died was funny. Oh, please. Hit by a blimp?

It kills over one Americans every year.

You wanna talk about people's feelings? You should have heard how hurt Professor Stern was... when I told him I wouldn't be able to go with him to Key West!

Because I'm on my way to buy some Photoshop software... and a stack of gay porn. That's right. Your coming-out is about to get real graphic!

What are you, animals? It's 4:00 in the afternoon.

Phoebe, that's how it starts. 'I don't need to eat the cake, I'll just smell the icing. Why not just a little sliver?' Or, 'Okay, just a slice or two.' You know, the next thing you know, you're 210 pounds... and you get wedged in going down the tunnel slide.

This is your cell phone? This is your current cell phone?

Yes. It reminds me of a simpler time.

Hey! No! - No! - Give it to me! - You can't have it. - Give it to me! - No.

Damn you, Monica Geller hyphen Bing!

Hey, look who's here. It's Joey. And he brought home a friend.

Joey, Emma's right here. You promised not to bring girls home in the middle of the day anymore.

No, no, no, it's not a girl. It's... a brand-new Huggsy!

You know what? When I was a little girl, I had a little pink pony named Cotton. Oh, I loved her so much. I took her everywhere. I would braid her tail--

Make the transfer!

Should I be concerned that a button fell off the old Huggsy and I can't find it?

Don't worry about it. I swallowed that years ago.

But he's the same.

You're not the same.

You know, it's a lot less surprising to do that... after I've buzzed you into the building.

Those are my shoes. Oh. Well, when you get over this breakup, we need to go shopping.

What are the chances?

One billion Chinese people, and they send Mike!

There's a speakerphone on the base unit.

Base unit. Think, Monica, think!

Sorry. I guess I was thrown off by the mention of my name.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. Make room for your friend.

No, no, no. This is dangerous territory. Keep it clean.

You know, on the way over here, I saw this drunk guy throw up. And then a pigeon ate it.

So that's what I'd look like if I worked out. And was being serviced by a policeman.

Nobody called, nobody wrote anything, nobody cares that I'm dead.

Well, the gay community is a lot more vocal than the dead community.

I can't believe this. Not even my geology lab partner. And I carried that guy.

Ross, don't press send. Don't press-- No, too late. Too late. It's sent.

Sorry, so is that picture of you and the policeman.

It's Monica, okay? That's not Monica! All right, fine! It's original Huggsy!

I know Emma wants him, but he's mine and I need him. She's being unreasonable.

It's because it reminds her of her Uncle Joey.

If Huggsy means that much to Emma, then... Well, she can have him.

No, forget it! Forget it! I can't do it!

Are you--? You're gonna take Huggsy away from a little child? How do you think I got him in the first place?

All right, you two. I'm gonna go to the bathroom. I don't want anything going on while I'm gone. Here's a few things you can discuss: Mucus, fungus, and the idea of me and Ross doing it.

Just to be with you one more night. I want that too. But is that gonna make it too hard? It can't be any harder than this.

If I had known the last time I saw you would be the last time, I-- I would have stopped to memorize your face, the way you moved. Everything about you. If I had known the last time I kissed you would be the last time... I never would have stopped.

Kiss him, you fool! What? Didn't you hear that speech? If you don't kiss him, then I will.

I knew you'd be here! Aw, crap.

Well, you're not doing a very good job. Excuse me? What's with the kissing? Hey, at least I knew where my guy was.

You didn't hear the speech. I've heard the speech. If he knew it was gonna be the last time-- Hey, it was very moving. You're just heartless! You're weak! You're weird! Your pants are undone. Oh!

Where'd they go? Damn it. Well, we blew it. I blame myself. And I blame you too.

It's been an hour, and not one of my classmates has shown up? I tell you, when I actually die, some people are gonna get seriously haunted.

Hi. Glad you could come. Please come in. Hi. You're Chandler Bing, right?

Oh, yes. Yes, let me take your coat. Thanks. Uh, I'm so sorry about Ross, it's... No, at least he died doing what he loved. Watching blimps.

Actually, I barely knew him. I came because I heard Chandler's news. Do you know if he's seeing anyone?

Yes, he is. Me. What? You mean--? Oh.

Can I ask you a personal question? How do you shave your beard so close?

I'm dead and no one cares? I look like a man?

And Monica, it's probably the way you stand!

I mean, I went to that school for four years and I didn't have an impact on anyone?

Well, that's not true. You had an impact on me. I mean, it's 15 years later and we're still best friends. Doesn't that count for something?

Hi. I'm here for Ross Geller's memorial service.

Chandler. Chandler Bing. And I'm not gay. I'm not gay at all.

You are married, though. Don't listen to him. He's in a really bad mood.

I can't believe that Ross is gone. It is just so sad.

And he talked so passionately about science. I always remembered him.

And if heaven has a door... I'm sure he's pressing his ear up against it and listening intently.

I thought so many times about calling him and asking him out. I guess I really missed my chance.

No, you didn't!

I'm still alive! Kori, I know this is a big surprise for you. It's a long story. But the things you just said really made my day.

The fact that you're here means more to me... than if this room were filled with people.

You sick freak! Who does that? I can't believe I had a crush on you.

Did you hear that? Kori Weston had a crush on me!

No, Mom, I am not dead.

It was just a practical joke between Chandler and me, but it's over, okay?

Actually, no. Even if I had died, you would not be left childless. Monica?