The One With Princess Consuela

Chandler:Why don't we ever hang out with married couples?

Monica:Because the last time we did, you told them that marriage was just a way to get regular sex without having to buy dinner first.

Monica:You scared them away! You're always doing this!

Chandler:Me? I didn't do anything. And besides, you would've wanted to join in anyway.

Ross:Guess what happened at work today!

Chandler:Oh, a dinosaur came back to life and tried to kill you?

Ross:No, that's not—

Chandler:You discovered a new dinosaur and named it after Rachel?

Ross:Chandler—

Chandler:You finally got to pet a dinosaur? Oh wait, they're extinct.

Chandler:Yeah, because dinosaurs are still around. We should really watch out for them when we're walking down the street.

Ross:Actually, dinosaurs went extinct 65 million years ago during the Cretaceous-Paleogene extinction event. They didn't live alongside humans, so there's no need to watch out for them now.

Ross:Yeah, do you have any idea what this means in academic circles? I am gonna get laid.

Rachel:Oh my God, what are you guys talking about? Food? Because I'm starving.

Monica:We're talking about the situation in the Middle East.

Rachel:Oh. Well, is it any good?

Ross:I got the job at the museum! They want me to start next month.

Rachel:That's amazing! I just landed the position at Bloomingdale's!

Ross:Wait, you both got jobs on the same day? What are the odds of that happening?

Rachel:I got the job! I'm moving to Paris to head the Louis Vuitton office!

Ross:That's amazing! I've been offered a position at the museum in London!

Joey:Well, I got a callback for a commercial. It's for hemorrhoid cream, but still!

Monica:Wait, so we're celebrating all three of you equally?

Chandler:Well, I got promoted at work, Ross published his paper, and Joey got a callback for a commercial.

Monica:Those are... very different things.

Chandler:I know. Joey's is obviously the most important.

Monica:Well, you have to go to the Department of Redundancy Department.

Monica:Fill out form 2716-B in triplicate.

Monica:Then you take it to the Bureau of Bureaucratic Affairs on the second floor of the Department of Redundancy Department.

Monica:They stamp it, you get it notarized, and then you have to wait six to eight weeks.

Monica:He was... he was studying abroad! Yes, in... in Yemen. For a very important archaeological expedition.

Chandler:Monica, he's been in our apartment the whole time.

Monica:I'm not changing my name to Bing. Do you know what it's like to go through life with a name like Bing?

Chandler:Yes, actually, I do.

Chandler:My name is not a joke! It's a perfectly good name.

Chandler:You know what? Forget it. Yeah, it's funny. Chandler. Like a candle. I'm a human candle.

Phoebe:So my name would be Phoebe Bing?

Mike:Phoebe Buffay-Bing.

Phoebe:Oh, that's pretty! What about just Phoebe Bing?

Mike:Tomorrow, tomorrow, I'll love you tomorrow. It's only a day away!

Joey:The house is in escrow.

Joey:Escrow? Is that near the city?

Joey:What's escrow?

Ross:Well, it's when the money from the sale of the apartment is held by a neutral third party until all the terms of the contract are met.

Joey:I'm sorry, slower?

Ross:Okay. Escrow is... it's like when someone holds your money.

Joey:Oh! Why didn't you just say that?

Joey:Hey, I'm really happy for you, man. I mean it. You're gonna do great.

Joey:I'm gonna be right there supporting you the whole way... by auditioning for the same role and nailing it so badly they hire me instead.

Phoebe:That's the dumbest plan I've ever heard.

Phoebe:Like, one time this guy and I—

Joey:Whoa, whoa, whoa! I don't need to hear this!

Phoebe:What? You're such a prude, Joey.

Joey:I'm telling you, I can convince anyone to do anything. I'm incredibly persuasive.

Chandler:Really? That's impressive.

Joey:Yeah, watch this. Hey Monica, tell us about your sex life.

Monica:Absolutely not!

Joey:See? I'm so persuasive, I just convinced her not to tell us.

Rachel:Hi, I'd like to make a reservation under Gucci.

Hostess:How do you spell that?

Rachel:G-U-C-C-I.

Hostess:You mean... Goochy?

Rachel:So I'm really excited about this opportunity, and I think my experience in fashion retail has prepared me well for—

Boss:Rachel? What are you doing here?

Rachel:Oh! Hi! I was just... I mean, I'm interviewing for the hostess position.

Boss:You work for me. At Bloomingdale's.

Rachel:Yes, I know, and I've loved every minute, but I thought—

Boss:You're interviewing at my restaurant? Behind my back?

Rachel:It's not like that. I just... I really need this job.

Hostess:Table for two?

Rachel:Yes, under... Geller.

Hostess:Okay, Geller, party of two. Right this way, Ms. Geller.

Rachel:Oh! Hi! This is my... my husband.

Boss:Husband? Rachel, you're not married.

Rachel:Right, well, we just got married! Last week! In Vegas!

Boss:In Vegas? Without telling anyone at work?

Rachel:It was very sudden. We're actually on our honeymoon right now.

Boss:You called in sick three days this week.

Rachel:Yes, well, my... husband... needed me.

Boss:Thank you, JewHunks.com, huh?

Job Interviewer:So I've been looking at your résumé...

Rachel:Oh good, because I just updated my profile picture.

Job Interviewer:Your... profile picture?

Rachel:Yeah, I thought I looked really cute in it. Do you think it'll help me get the job?

Rachel:I remember when I was seven years old, my dad took me to get ice cream, and I dropped my cone on the sidewalk. I cried for like an hour. And then he said, 'Don't worry, we'll get you another one.' And I said, 'But I wanted the first one!' I was such a weird kid.

Rachel:Sometimes I just sing randomly.

Interviewer:That's... not really a job skill.

Rachel:So you're the one conducting the interview?

Boss:That's right. I'm the hiring manager here.

Rachel:Oh, well I'm very excited about this opportunity...

Boss:Before we go further, I have to ask — didn't you say on your resume you worked here for three years?

Rachel:Um, well... yes, but—

Boss:And that you reported directly to me?

Rachel:I can explain...

Boss:I'm you. I'm the boss you've been lying about working for.

Rachel:Mr. Boss, I'd like you to meet my friends.

Rachel's Boss:Actually, it's just 'Boss'.

Chandler:So we should call you Mr. Just Boss?

Joey:Hey, it's great that you still have a job at the museum. I mean, most people your age would be dead by now.

Clerk:Why do you want to change your name?

Phoebe:Well, my real name is Phoebe Abbott, but I changed it when I was a teenager because I was tired of being a runaway and I wanted a fresh start. Then I realized I liked Phoebe Buffay better, so it stuck. Plus, if anyone was looking for me from my old life, they wouldn't be able to find me. The trail just ends. It's perfect.

Phoebe:I've robbed places.

Clerk:Well, that's great.

Phoebe:So you're saying I can change my name to anything I want?

Clerk:That's right. There are no limits.

Phoebe:Anything?

Clerk:Anything.

Phoebe:Even something like... Princess Consuela Banana Hammock?

Clerk:Even that.

Clerk:Look, I've been very patient with you. I've answered all your questions, I've shown you every item we have in stock. But I gotta tell you something: you're really starting to get on my nerves.

Phoebe:Oh! Well, maybe I should just come back when you're in a better mood.

Clerk:Yeah, that would be great.

Monica:Okay, so what's your new name?

Phoebe:You have to guess.

Monica:Is it... Prudence?

Phoebe:No.

Monica:Um... Gwendolyn?

Phoebe:No.

Monica:Stephanie? Aurora? Chandelier?

Phoebe:No, no, and it's not a light fixture.

Phoebe:I'm going to change my name to something really cool and sophisticated.

Monica:Oh yeah? What?

Phoebe:Princess Consuela Bananahammock.

Chandler:We're not naming our baby Chandler. There can only be one.

Phoebe:No, no. I'm going to change it to something really normal and boring.

Phoebe:Valerie.

Rachel:I'm so excited about this interview tomorrow. I've been preparing all week.

Monica:That's great! What company is it?

Rachel:It's for that fashion PR firm I told you about. I really think I have a shot.

Chandler:Well, good luck. Just try not to do that thing where you talk too fast when you're nervous.

Rachel:I don't do that!

Ross:You kind of do.

Rachel:I showed up an hour late and wearing the wrong shoes. I got rejected before I even sat down.

Joey:So let me get this straight - you're working two jobs, you're exhausted, and you haven't slept in like three days? That's... not ideal.

Rachel:I am a team player! Remember when I brought in those cupcakes for the office?

Boss:Rachel, those cupcakes were from last Tuesday. You took credit for them but they were from the bodega downstairs.

Rachel:Well... I team-carried them to the break room!

Boss:You also sent a memo saying 'Please don't eat Rachel's cupcakes' before anyone touched them.

Rachel:That was just... branding!

Ross:I'll have six glasses of your finest wine, please.

Gunther:Six glasses? Are you... are you celebrating something? Can I join you?

Ross:Oh, uh... sure, Gunther, why not—

Ross:Actually, no. No, I'm gonna need all six.

Ross:Hey Gunther, just a regular coffee, black.

Gunther:That'll be five dollars.

Ross:Five dollars? That's outrageous! And make it quick, I don't have all day.

Gunther:...

Ross:What? Why are you looking at me like that?

Gunther:No reason. Just wondering how you're going to get your coffee tomorrow.

Ross:What do you mean? I'll just come back and—oh no.

Monica:To Ross! A paleontologist with two equally disappointing qualities.

Ross:What are they?

Monica:He's a paleontologist, and he's my brother.

Monica:This champagne is cheap!

Ross:Well, what do you expect? I'm a paleontologist, not a millionaire.

Monica:I just want to say how much I love all of you. You're like the family I never had. Well, the family I always wanted. Actually, you're nothing like my real family, which is great because I hate them. I mean, I love them, but you know what I mean. Anyway, to friendship! And to never changing. But also to personal growth. To staying exactly as we are, but also becoming better versions of ourselves. To the future! Which I'm terrified of, but also really excited about.

Ross:I can't believe it! I finally got tenure at the museum. I'm set for life! Job security, benefits, the whole package. Nothing can touch me now.

Rachel:Ross, that's great! Oh, um... speaking of jobs, we need to talk.

Ross:What? What is it?

Rachel:I got fired today.

Ross:I mean, I'm a paleontologist. Do you know how many people actually care about that? It's not like being a doctor or a lawyer. But here I am, still employed!

Rachel:Ross, you've been talking about this for twenty minutes.

Ross:I'm just saying, I'm very lucky. Very, very lucky. Some might say... moderately fortunate.

Joey:That's great! I'm so happy for you guys!

Joey:Wait, you're not gonna move away, are you?

Joey:No fungus? There's definitely fungus! I have a rash, I'm itching like crazy, and I can barely walk!

Joey:Wait, what do you mean there's no fungus? I'm telling you, I got it bad. Real bad.

Chandler:Actually, Joey, I think I know what's wrong with you.

Joey:What?

Chandler:You've been sleeping with my girlfriend.

Joey:So I unplugged the refrigerator.

Joey:Then I loosened all the cabinet hinges.

Joey:And I may have set a small fire in the oven.

Joey:I'm thinking next I flood the bathroom, electrify the doorknobs, and possibly invite a bear.

Joey:Monica, I'm telling you, I saw a bat!

Monica:Joey, you don't have brain damage from the car ride.

Joey:Wait, wait, wait. Before you go, there's something we need to talk about.

Joey:I've been thinking... and I don't think this is going to work out.

Joey:It's not you, it's... okay, it's kind of you. You're too... tall.

Joey:Hmmmmmm... (humming sound)

Monica:What are you doing?

Joey:What? I'm not doing anything.

Phoebe:I changed my name to Princess Console Bucks.

Mike:You changed your name to Princess Console Bucks?

Phoebe:Yeah.

Mike:Why?

Phoebe:Well, I wanted a name that was more me.

Mike:If you're gonna change your name, you gotta pick something really good. Something that really says who you are.

Phoebe:Okay, I'm gonna change my name to Princess Consuela Banana Hammock.

Mike:Oh, okay. Well then I'm gonna change my name to Crap Bag.

Phoebe:You're keeping your first name, right?

Mike:Well, actually, I've been thinking about taking your last name. Buffay. Mike Buffay. I like how it sounds.

Phoebe:Really?

Mike:Yeah. And I'm changing my middle name to Phoebe. Michael Phoebe Buffay. And I'm getting it tattooed on my chest. And I'm legally changing my birthday to match yours. And I'm donating one of my kidneys to you, even though you don't need it.

Mike:My parents named me Michael, but I go by Mike because it's shorter and easier.

Phoebe:Oh, that's nice. I changed my name from Ursula because... well, Ursula is the name of a sea witch.

Mike:Right, but Mike is just a normal shortened version of Michael.

Phoebe:Yeah, but Michael sounds like a funeral director. Mike is much better.

Phoebe:I'm okay with whatever you want to do.

Mike:Really?

Phoebe:Yeah, I can take it.

Joey:Hey, how's it going?

Mackenzie:Not great. My parents are driving me crazy.

Joey:Tell me about it. My agent won't return my calls.

Mackenzie:At least your agent is supposed to ignore you. My parents are supposed to actually care.

Joey:Yeah, well my agent cares about one thing — taking fifteen percent of nothing.

Joey:So we're really doing this? Living together?

Mackenzie:Yeah, why not? We get along great.

Joey:I mean, I leave my stuff everywhere. I eat your food. I don't always flush.

Mackenzie:Okay, that's... that's a problem.

Joey:And you hog the bathroom for like three hours.

Mackenzie:I need time to get ready!

Joey:For what? You look like you got dressed in the dark!

Mackenzie:Oh, and you look like you got dressed in a thrift store dumpster!

Joey:At least I have a job! What do you do all day?

Mackenzie:I hate you so much right now.

Joey:Yeah? Well I hated you first!

Joey:We could turn the apartment into a haunted house for Halloween!

Eight-year-old:That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

Joey:Come on, you can do better than that!

Mackenzie:I'm only six years old!

Joey:I can't believe I'm losing all my friends!

Child:My mom always says, 'Friends fade, but folly follows forever.'

Joey:Wow, you're really smart.

Mackenzie:Thanks.

Joey:Yeah, I mean, you're like, really smart. We should be friends.

Mackenzie:I'd like that.

Joey:Great! So, uh, you read a lot, huh?

Mackenzie:Yeah, I do.

Joey:Yeah, that's not gonna work for me.

Rachel:I can't believe I got fired!

Gunther:I know, it's terrible. But hey, look on the bright side—at least you're not working at Central Perk.

Ross:You know, I have to say, whoever designed this wheelchair really thought things through. I mean, who needs to fit through a doorway?

Mark:Why do you have a portable chair?

Ross:Well, you know, it's very practical. You never know when you're going to need to sit down, and if there's no chair around, you're just standing there like an idiot.

Ross:It's not just a chair, it's a subway car seat. See, the legs are shorter so you can fit more people, and the fabric is this weird blue plastic so you can just wipe it clean.

Mark:Wow, that sounds... incredibly comfortable.

Rachel:I'm going to do charity work. I'm going to help people who really need it.

Rachel:Oh my God, is that a Bloomingdale's calling? I have to take this.

Mark:Well, it was great talking to you. I'll see you later.

Ross:Oh, okay! Hey, before you go — I'm actually pretty good at foosball.

Rachel:Ross, that's Mark from my office.

Ross:Mark? Mark the guy you went to dinner with?

Rachel:Yes, Ross. The guy you spent three weeks convinced I was having an affair with.

Ross:He's probably going to try to move in on you.

Rachel:Ross, Mark works in my office.

Ross:Yeah, and he's just waiting. Waiting for his chance. He probably sits there thinking about you all day long.

Rachel:That's crazy!

Ross:Is it? Is it? Because I've been there. I know how guys think. We're all — we're all Mark. I'm Mark right now.

Chandler:You're not Mark.

Ross:Well, not me specifically, but —

Monica:It's so charming here. Look at those dogs mating in the street.

Monica:Oh, that reminds me of this little girl who used to help me when I was a kid. She was so sweet.

Joey:That's nice.

Monica:Yeah, except she was a ghost.

Joey:What?

Monica:I'm just kidding. She was my imaginary friend.

Joey:Wait, wait. So you're telling me there's a ghost that only eats people's socks? Just their socks?

Monica:That's what I said.

Joey:Oh my God. Oh my God! That's the worst thing I've ever heard! What if he comes here? What if he takes all my socks? I'll have nothing but shoes and legs!

Joey:Wait, I get my own room?

Chandler:Yes, Joey, you get your own room.

Joey:Like, my own room?

Chandler:Yes, Joey. Your own room. We figured it was necessary for your sanity.

Joey:Can I get extra pillows and blankets?

Chandler:Sure, but you have to promise to take care of them.

Joey:Oh, I will. I mean, I can't promise anything about the other stuff, but the pillows? The pillows are gonna be treated like gold.

Phoebe:This is my boyfriend, Mike.

Client:Hi Mike, nice to meet you.

Phoebe:His full name is Hannigan. Mike Hannigan.

Client:Oh, that's a nice name.

Phoebe:No it's not, it's ridiculous. But I love him anyway.

Mike:It's not 'Mike Tyson,' it's just 'Mike.'

Client:Oh, so like Mike... Tyson?

Mike:No, no. Just Mike. But if it helps, think of it as 'Mike Tyson's Cock.' Wait, that came out wrong.

Phoebe:What about Bananahammock?

Mike:No.

Phoebe:Okay, what about combining them? Hannigram?

Mike:No.

Phoebe:Phike?

Mike:No.

Phoebe:Bananahammock!

Mike:Why did you name your son Frank Jr.? That's my father's name.

Phoebe:Oh, I know. I wanted to name him after someone I really respect.

Mike:Well, that's very sweet. But what about when he grows up? Don't you think it'll be weird that he has the same name as his grandfather?

Phoebe:No, because your dad will probably be dead by then.

Phoebe:Wait, a banana hammock? That's a speedo, right?

Phoebe:Oh my god, Mike looks so hot in his banana hammock.

Phoebe:I mean, my boyfriend Mike is really handsome in general, but especially in a banana hammock.

Monica:What are you thinking about?

Chandler:Still fixated on the mating dogs from earlier.

Chandler:Seven years ago?

Ross:Yeah, well, you see, I was in a very committed relationship at the time, and... okay, so I may have had a few drinks, and Monica's apartment was just right there, and—

Chandler:Ross, that was last week.

Monica:You were staring at that woman's chest!

Chandler:I was not staring at her chest. I was looking at her... her necklace.

Monica:Her necklace was on her chest, Chandler.

Chandler:Well, I'm sorry, but when a woman is pregnant, you can't help but notice these things!

Rachel:Mark was really sweet at dinner.

Ross:Sweet?! That guy is a spineless, insensitive, little weasel!

Rachel:Mark can't make it tonight. He has to help his friend move.

Ross:Oh, that's nice of him.

Rachel:Yeah, I know.

Ross:I mean, it's really great that he's so dependable and helpful to his friends.

Rachel:I got the job! They offered me an amazing position!

Ross:That's great! We should celebrate with some champagne.

Rachel:Really? You think so?

Ross:Yeah, I was thinking we could get that champagne from my apartment. You know, the one we drank last New Year's?

Rachel:Ross... that champagne was terrible.

Ross:I know, but it's what we have!

Everyone celebrating Rachel's great job news. Devastating revelation that changes everything

Joey:So I've been thinking about my acting career, you know? And I realized I need some professional guidance.

Joey:That's why I'm consulting with my most trusted advisor.

Joey:What do you think, Mr. Hugsy? Should I take that audition?

Joey:Uh-huh. Yeah. Oh, that's a great point.

Joey:You know, Mr. Hugsy's never steered me wrong. He's got a real head for the business.