The Affair

Moira:You realize you're the only one actually using this system, don't you?

Johnny:Why isn't your name on the sheet?

Moira:Because he's not a real employee, he's family.

David:Because I'm not a real employee, I'm family.

Roland:I can give you a ride if you want.

Moira:Oh, that's very kind of you, Roland, but I couldn't impose.

Roland:It's no problem at all. I've got some great music we can listen to.

Moira:Oh god, what is that sound?

Roland:That's Nickelback.

Moira:Pull over. I'll walk.

Moira:You know, it's like the safety demonstration on an airplane. They tell you to put on your own oxygen mask before helping others. I need to put on my oxygen mask first.

Johnny:Well, my system isn't useless. It's organized. It's methodical. It makes perfect sense.

David:Dad, your system is a filing cabinet in the garage with a label maker and nothing in it.

Johnny:Exactly. See? It's working.

Johnny:I need to file a complaint about this system. It's completely broken.

David:Well, the form asks for your name, so I assume you'll be writing 'Johnny Rose' in that field.

Johnny:Yes, David, that's how forms work.

David:And then it asks for the nature of your complaint, so you'll describe the problem in excruciating detail, I'm sure.

Johnny:That's the entire point of a complaint form.

David:Mm-hmm, and then you sign it and date it. I mean, I'm just reading what it says.

Roland:This conference is going to put Schitt's Creek on the map. We're talking about attracting major businesses, investors, dignitaries from across the province.

Roland:I've already booked the community center for three days. We'll have keynote speakers, networking events, a gala dinner.

Roland:This is going to be the largest gathering of municipal importance this town has ever seen. People will be talking about this for years.

Roland:I got some name tags for everyone.

Moira:I'm sorry, what kind of adhesive are we talking about here?

Roland:The regular kind.

Moira:Well, I'm afraid regular adhesive is going to compromise the integrity of my outfit. Unless it's medical-grade, hypoallergenic, and cruelty-free, I simply cannot participate.

Roland:Look at the mayor. Well-dressed fellow.

Moira:That's not the mayor, Roland. That's catering staff.

Roland:That's the mayor, right?

Moira:No, Roland. That's a picture of a leaf.

Roland:You know, municipal officials, they're the backbone of this town. Without them, we'd have chaos. Pure chaos.

Roland:But there's one thing that terrifies me more than anything in this world... a gathering of municipal workers. All in one place. At the same time.

Roland:The paperwork alone could destroy us all.

Moira:Oh Roland, darling, managing egos is what I do. I've spent years in the entertainment industry dealing with the most volatile, narcissistic personalities imaginable. A little town council presentation? Please. I could do this with my eyes closed and my hands tied behind my back in a Valentino gown.

Moira:I was once a presenter at the Gemini Awards.

David:That's impressive.

Moira:It was the year they ran out of major categories, so they created 'Best Use of Eyeliner in a Television Drama.'

David:Alexis, can you get the box of hand cream?

Alexis:David, this box weighs like 50 pounds. Why do you have so much hand cream?

Alexis:Hi, I'm Alexis Rose. I'm David's sister, and I'm also his life coach.

Patrick:Life coach?

Alexis:Yeah, I mean, nobody asked me to do it, but I'm really good at it.

Alexis:So, um, have you ever tried the new seasonal latte? It's like, really good. I've been sampling it all morning.

Patrick:Oh, no, I haven't.

Alexis:Well, maybe you should... try it sometime. With me. I mean, not like, together together, but like... we could both be drinking lattes at the same time in the same place?

Reporter:That was a remarkable speech. How did you prepare for it?

Moira:Well, I didn't prepare, per se. I simply allowed my natural eloquence and stage presence to guide me through the moment.

Reporter:Well, it certainly showed. You're quite the orator.

Moira:Thank you. I accept the title of Supreme Orator of our time.

Moira:Well, I am a political ingénue, a babe in the woods, a fawn-like creature stumbling through the forest of municipal governance on legs that have only just learned to walk.

Roland:We have a signature cocktail at the diamond club called the Aristocrat's Enema.

David:It's not soft, it's cat hair. I'm allergic to cats, so I had to develop a entire product line specifically designed to repel feline fur.

David:Oh thank God. I was going to say the frame is absolutely hideous.

Alexis:Well, if you flatten it, it looks like nothing.

Alexis:Well, actually, most businesses fail within the first five years.

Patrick:Yes, which is why I said they need to survive at least a year without profit.

Alexis:Right, but they don't. They fail. So... your plan won't work.

David:What do the textbooks say about my business model?

Alexis:Um, I don't know, I didn't go to college.

Moira:There's a man here with a cello, and he's playing it like it owes him money.

Roland:Hey Johnny, it's Roland. Your wife's a little tied up right now, but I got you. What's going on, buddy? You need anything? I'm here for you.

Johnny:Roland, I... I need to speak with my wife.

Roland:Yeah, yeah, I know, but between you and me, Johnny, I've been meaning to talk to you anyway. How are things at the store? You know, I've been thinking about investing. Maybe we could be partners?

Moira:Well, this has been lovely, but I must dash. Ciao!

Moira:And thank you, Bell telephone apparatus, for your years of service. You've been a true confidant.

Moira:Where am I? David? Johnny?

Roland:It's me, Roland. You're in my room.

Moira:Roland? What are you doing in my bedroom?

Roland:This is my bedroom. You wandered in here last night.

Moira:Well, this is mortifying.

Moira:Wait, this is your room?

Roland:Yes, it's my room.

Moira:Well, why didn't you say something?

Moira:Oh my God. Oh my God, no. Please tell me you were wearing something. Anything. A muumuu? A caftan? A tarp?

Roland:I sleep in the nude, Moira.

Moira:Well, that is the most offensive thing I have ever heard in my entire life.

Moira:Are you naked?

Roland:Well, yeah. I sleep naked. It's called freedom, Moira.

Jocelyn:Johnny had a really rough morning. He couldn't find his usual coffee mug, so he had to use a different one. And then—get this—it was a mug from the motel gift shop. A motel mug, David. He looked absolutely devastated.

Johnny:Well, if Moira didn't tell me, she probably had a good reason.

Jocelyn:Johnny, she's your wife. She hid something from you. That's suspicious.

Jocelyn:Well, I find it very... stimulating.

Alexis:I mean, if I'm going to help you, I think I deserve some sort of compensation.

Alexis:Like, a finder's fee, or... or a kickback, or something.

Alexis:I've been putting in sweat equity at the store.

David:Alexis, you arrived at 11:47 this morning and left at 12:03. That's not sweat equity, that's just... sweating while being present.

Alexis:Well, David, I think what you're experiencing is a classic case of... sweat equity evaporation.

Alexis:It's when your sweat stops being equitable. It's actually in the business bylaws.

Alexis:And honestly, I think you need to file a Form 47-B, which is the official sweat equity correction form.

Alexis:I learned about that at business camp.

David:Patrick? Patrick wouldn't be interested in me. Have you seen what he wears?

Johnny:You slept with Roland?

Moira:Well, yes, but it was ages ago, before we even knew who he was. He was just some man at a thing.

Johnny:Moira!

Moira:What? It was hardly memorable. He has a very small—

Johnny:I don't want to hear this.

Moira:I'm just saying, it was a forgettable evening. Besides, look how well things turned out. Now we're neighbors with the man!

Johnny:We never discussed it.

Moira:Well, I was embarrassed.

Moira:I'm pouring this out as a symbolic gesture of my commitment to sobriety.

Johnny:That's my beer.

Johnny:Moira, you're wasting my beer.

Moira:I'm not wasting it, I'm using it as a toner. My aesthetician is on vacation, and my pores have staged a coup.

Patrick:I have a confession to make. I chose that frame specifically because you criticized it.

David:What?

Patrick:I wanted to see your reaction. I think I enjoy annoying you.

Roland:Don't worry about it, Johnny. I'm 73% sure everything's going to be fine.

Roland:I checked. I got down there with a flashlight and a mirror, and I looked around. Nothing happened.

Johnny:Roland is like a... a burger. You know, it's fine, it's serviceable, but my wife knows the difference between a burger and a steak.

Moira:I was supposed to have a luxurious soak in the marble soaking tub, but I passed out mid-conversation with Roland, and when I came to, he was using my bath water to rinse his feet.

David:Yeah, well, if we ever got divorced, I'd fight you for custody of the store.

Alexis:Oh my god, David, you can't just take the store. I'd want visitation rights. And child support.

David:The store isn't a child.

Alexis:Well, it's treated like one. You spend more time with it than you do with me.

David:You know, Dad, if anything were to happen to you, Mom would be fine. She'd be sad, obviously, but she'd be fine. I mean, she's got me.