Campaign Ad

Bobby Newport:My campaign is going great. I'm having the time of my life. You could say I'm really enjoying the campaign... pleasure.

Leslie Knope:Bobby's got the looks, the charm, the charisma. But you know what I've got? A comprehensive understanding of municipal code, a working knowledge of the Parks Department budget, and I've read every single binder in the planning office. And that, my friends, is sexy.

Bobby Newport:Of course, I'd be happy to sign something for you, uh... Leslee? Is it Leslee?

Leslie Knope:It's Leslie.

Bobby Newport:Right, right, Leslie. L-E-S-L-I-E-E.

Bobby Newport:Wait, Leslie Knope is running for city council? Against me?

Bobby Newport:I didn't know that.

April Ludgate:Hey Ann, were you fired for sleeping with doctors?

Andy Dwyer:My stomach hurts, my head hurts, my heart hurts. I think I'm dying, Ann. I'm pretty sure this is what dying feels like.

Ann Perkins:Andy, you're not dying.

Andy Dwyer:How do you know? You're not a doctor. Oh wait, you are a nurse. But that's basically the same thing, right? My left eye won't stop twitching. I think I have a brain tumor. Also, I'm pretty sure I saw a ghost this morning.

Ann Perkins:You saw a ghost?

Andy Dwyer:It was wearing a white sheet. Turned out to be a bed sheet. From my bed. I couldn't find it this morning and got really upset. Also, I haven't eaten since yesterday.

Andy Dwyer:I've been experiencing some troubling symptoms. Occasional headaches, fatigue, and sometimes my left arm feels tingly.

Ann Perkins:Andy, those are just normal human experiences. You're not dying.

Andy Dwyer:But what about the tingly arm?

Ann Perkins:You probably slept on it wrong.

Andy Dwyer:No, I didn't hit my head.

Andy Dwyer:I hit the wall in the head area with my head area.

Andy:I hit my head pretty hard on the swing set.

April:Yeah, you were out for like twenty seconds. It was awesome.

Andy Dwyer:Yeah, I got hit in the head pretty bad, but you know what? I've been trying to remember things better, and I actually remembered my PIN code on the first try today.

Andy Dwyer:So who's the winner now?

April Ludgate:Wait, health insurance? I thought insurance was just for cars.

April Ludgate:I don't have that either.

Leslie Knope:In my dream scenario, Mr. Belvedere is my campaign manager.

Ron Swanson:I have not considered it. I volunteer at the Fire Department. I fight fires.

Chris Traeger:You do?

Ron Swanson:No. But if there's ever a fire, I will be there with a gun and some increasingly angry buckets of water.

April Ludgate:Are you a drug addict?

Andy Dwyer:Well, I was doing this thing where I was like, 'protecting my brain helmet,' you know? And I put my hands up like this, and I guess I didn't realize how hard I was gonna hit myself. So I was just like, 'whoosh,' and then my brain helmet made contact with the wall, and that's when I knew it was bad because usually my brain helmet is pretty 'indestructible,' but apparently it's not as indestructible as I thought.

Andy Barton:I was reading this encyclopedia and I got so lost in it, I didn't even realize three hours had passed. It was incredible!

April Ludgate:You fell asleep on the couch.

Doctor:Is there anything else bothering you?

Andy Dwyer:No.

Doctor:You sure?

Andy Dwyer:Well, actually, now that you mention it, my knee pit area has been really itchy, I've been having these weird dreams where I'm falling, and sometimes when I sneeze, a little bit of pee comes out.

Andy Dwyer:My doctor says I have the health of a sixty-year-old man. I'm thirty-four. He also says I sound like a rattlesnake when I breathe. I don't know what that means, but it doesn't sound good.

Andy Dwyer:So I ate a candy wrapper yesterday, and I've been tracking its progress through my digestive system. I'm pretty sure I felt it pass through my stomach around 2 PM.

Jerry Gergich:Andy, you're not supposed to eat the wrapper.

Andy Dwyer:Well, I know that now, Jerry. But the important thing is, I'm documenting the journey. By tomorrow, it'll be out of my system completely, and I'll have a full timeline to present to my doctor.

Andy Dwyer:I've been swallowing gum for 25 years. The doctor said I'm gonna die, but I'm gonna die with the cleanest insides.

Andy Dwyer:So I've got high cholesterol, type 2 diabetes, and a really bad back. Oh, and I broke my thumb. Can you just... fix all of it? Like, everything?

Bobby Newport:I'm just a regular guy, you know? I shop at the same stores everyone else does.

Bobby Newport:In fact, my dog is a rescue dog. Well, he was rescued from the Queen of England's personal kennel, but still.

Ben Wyatt:Donna, I think you might have some issues going negative.

Donna Meagle:Ben, I don't have issues. I have a strategy. If you assume the worst, you're never disappointed. And occasionally, you get pleasantly surprised.

Ben Wyatt:That's not healthy.

Donna Meagle:It's worked for me for 55 years.

Ann Perkins:I can't believe how negative this campaign has gotten. It's awful. Leslie and I used to be friends, and now we're just... I don't know, it feels like we're enemies and... wait, is this a Crayola marker?

Ann Perkins:Oh my God, this smells amazing. What color is this? Burnt sienna? I love burnt sienna.

Ron Swanson:I don't care about the river dam project. I don't care about rivers. I don't care about dams. And I certainly don't care about your concerns. Good day.

Ron Swanson:I crushed your dreams. That's what I do. I crush dreams and build dams. And we're all out of dams.

Tom Haverford:Here's my strategy: I bet on every horse. That way, no matter which one wins, I'm a winner.

Leslie Knope:Jerry, you're going to be on Ben's team.

Jerry Gergich:Oh, okay.

Leslie Knope:Yeah, I figure if anyone's going to be a big negative, it might as well be you.

Leslie Knope:Look, being positive is better than being negative. Obama was positive, and he became president. Ben is negative, and he's stuck in a mid-level government job.

Ben Wyatt:I'm not negative, I'm realistic.

Leslie Knope:That's what negative people say.

Optometrist:Can you read the next line?

Andy Dwyer:Yeah, it says... W, uh... that's a middle finger, right? And then an E, another middle finger, and then... is that a Q or a 9?

Optometrist:Those are all the letter M.

Andy Dwyer:Oh, wow. Your font is really aggressive.

April Ludgate:If you get glasses, I'm divorcing you.

Andy Dwyer:What? Why?

April Ludgate:You'll look like a nerd.

Andy Dwyer:I am a nerd.

April Ludgate:Exactly. And I married you despite that, not because of it.

April:I don't like glasses.

Andy:Yeah, I don't like them either. I'm worried the doctor's gonna be really upset.

Tom Haverford:Bobby Newport's got great herr. I mean hair. No wait, herr. That's how they say it in Europe, so it's cooler.

Jerry Gergich:Congressman Newport. Congressman Newport. Congress... man... Newport.

Jerry Gergich:I can't believe this is happening. Everything's falling apart. My career is over, my reputation is ruined, and I don't know how I'm going to face anyone ever again.

Ben Wyatt:It's gonna be fine, Jerry.

Chris Traeger:What are you going to order, Ron? Something raw and cucumber-based?

Ron Swanson:I'll have a cucumber.

Ron Swanson:I don't remember agreeing to this lunch. Did you drug me?

Chris Traeger:What? No, Ron, I didn't drug you.

Ron Swanson:Then how did I get here? I have no recollection of the last two hours.

Ron Swanson:And my drink tastes like it has a memory-altering substance in it.

Leslie Knope:I'm Leslie Knope, and I support the following things: a strong public sector, women's rights, environmental protection, education, affordable housing, and hot dogs.

Leslie Knope:Wait, why did I say hot dogs?

Off-screen voice:You like hot dogs!

Leslie Knope:That's not a political position!

Ben Wyatt:Look, I'm not going to lie to you. That was... that was really bad.

Ben Wyatt:Like, impressively bad. I didn't know it was possible to be that bad.

Andy Dwyer:They microwaved my arm.

April Ludgate:You mean X-rayed.

Andy Dwyer:That's what I said. They also ran some tests for science.

April Ludgate:For medical reasons.

Andy Dwyer:Yeah, that too.

Andy Dwyer:Wait, you weren't actually a doctor?

Unknown Character:No, I'm not a doctor.

Andy Dwyer:But you've been describing all these medical procedures like you knew what you were talking about!

Unknown Character:I watched a lot of Grey's Anatomy.

Andy Dwyer:Oh my God.

Announcer:This ad was paid for by the Committee to Elect Leslie Knope.

Leslie Knope:I'm Leslie Knope and I approve this message.

Leslie Knope:Wait, no I don't!

Ben Wyatt:Leslie, what are you doing?

Leslie Knope:I'm not letting this ad air. This is a negative ad and I don't do negative ads.

Ben Wyatt:I have some good news and some bad news.

Ben Wyatt:The good news is, the bad news isn't as bad as it could be.

Leslie Knope:I'm so sorry I tackled you.

Ben Wyatt:It's okay. I mean, I'm not a physical person. I'm more of a... spreadsheet guy.

April Ludgate:I would help you, but I'm going to get ice cream first. My priorities are pretty clear.

Andy Dwyer:Wait, we have insurance? So why do we owe $500?

Andy Dwyer:That's what insurance is for. It's like... it's like a shield made of money that protects you from having to spend money.

Andy Dwyer:I'm not paying this medical bill. I'm just gonna run out of here!

Andy Dwyer:They can't catch me, I'm fast.

Andy Dwyer:Ow! Ow! My leg! I think I pulled something!

Andy Dwyer:I need a doctor!

Bobby Newport:Well, I think the most important thing is... uh... I haven't really thought about it. I mean, I've got some ideas, but they're mostly just things my dad told me to say. Actually, no, I don't even remember those.

Ron Swanson:Chris, I'd like you to meet Jerry Gergich, our Parks Department... wait, no. Gary. Gary Gergich.

Chris Traeger:I thought his name was Jerry?

Ron Swanson:It is. I just like to call him Gary to hurt his feelings.

Kyle:I'm not really interested in Japanese culture. I just needed a job.

Bobby Newport:Leslie, please just quit the race.

Bobby Newport:Just quit. Just quit, quit, quit, quit.

Bobby Newport:Quit quit quit quit quit quit quit.

Bobby Newport:Why won't you quit?

Bobby Newport:Quit!

Bobby Newport:Well, my dad said I should run for something, and politics seemed easier than a actual business.

Bobby Newport:Look, Leslie, I'm a reasonable guy. Let's compromise. You keep doing your job, and I'll take all the credit and the salary.

Leslie Knope:That's not a compromise, Bobby. That's just you being you.

Bobby Newport:Wait, how were you yourself as a child?

Leslie Knope:What do you mean?

Bobby Newport:Well, you're not yourself now.

Andy Dwyer:We could treat each other's injuries ourselves. It'd be like being our own doctors.

April Ludgate:That does sound romantic. Like we're living under a bridge, performing surgery with a bottle cap and whatever we find in the dirt.

Andy Dwyer:Andy: 'Some guy looked at my wiener, touched it. That was weird. And that guy wasn't even a doctor. That... what?'

Leslie Knope · Ben Wyatt:Leslie physically tackling Ben to prevent him delivering the DVD to the station, then lying on the ground: 'I am Leslie Knope, and I do not approve this message.'

Tom Haverford:Tom's reaction to the news that neither ad aired and they can't get money back: 'You both really blew this. But I can't wait to hear your new ideas. I love 'em already. Ooh, I'm hungry. Tommy needs a mango. See ya.'

Tom Haverford:Tom's spin after both ads fail to air: 'But you know what, I can't wait to hear your new ideas. I love 'em already. Ooh, I'm hungry. Tommy needs a mango. See ya.'

Ben Wyatt · Leslie Knope:Ben: 'I bet in your dreams you weren't losing an election by 70 points.' / Leslie: 'You were pretty easy to take down.' / Ben: 'Thanks.'

Ron Swanson · Chris Traeger:Chris inviting Ron to a Japanese tea ceremony seminar; Ron declining citing 'we did just have lunch last week, so I feel like we've spent enough social time together for the foreseeable... ever.'

Donna Meagle · Ron Swanson:Donna: 'Maybe he just misses his little buddy.' / Ron reacts with visible physical discomfort. 'Ow.'

Andy Dwyer · April Ludgate:Andy and April's medical bill standoff: 'Whoa, yeah, won't be needing that. I've got the free medicine card.' / 'There's a $500 deductible.' / 'I think you're wrong. We have the insurance thing. I believe we're covered.'

Andy Dwyer · April Ludgate:Andy and April dine-and-dash from the doctor's office: 'Let's go! Dine and dash! Out of the way! Yeah! Whoo-hoo-hoo!'

Andy Dwyer:Andy immediately runs into an ambulance outside and shouts: 'Call an ambulance! A different ambulance than the one I ran into.'

Leslie Knope:Leslie's childhood ad: ten-year-old Leslie proposing 'a more progressive tax on residential properties'

Bobby Newport:Bobby Newport in the ad: 'People keep asking me: Bobby, what are you gonna do once you get into office? Um, I'm pretty sure I'll figure it out.'

Leslie Knope · Bobby Newport:The ad's closing: 'They do have one thing in common.' / Young Leslie and Bobby both say: 'I like dogs.' / 'Vote Knope for city council.'

Ron Swanson · Chris Traeger · Kyle:Ron introducing Kyle to Chris: 'This is a great friend of mine. He is a fellow who works in the building and he is named Dennis. Kyle.' / Kyle: 'I was eating rice, and Ron made me come up here. But sure, that sounds fun.'

Chris Traeger · Kyle:Chris immediately responding 'Arigato!' to Kyle, who Ron described as a 'japanophile' because he was eating rice

Ron Swanson:Ron denying loneliness: 'No, no, no, no. I'm not lonely. I have me. And 4,000 Facebook friends and a hot girlfriend.'

Ron Swanson · Chris Traeger:Ron's reveal: 'I wanted to spend time with you, because I have to replace Ben as assistant city manager and I was giving you a tryout of sorts. Now, I'll mull my options for the next few months, but I'd love you to keep an open mind.'

Bobby Newport · Leslie Knope · Ben Wyatt:Bobby Newport confronting Leslie and Ben about the video: 'Why'd you guys post that video of me, man? I mean, that didn't make me feel good. It was mean. You guys are mean.'

Bobby Newport:Bobby Newport asking Leslie and Ben to quit the campaign: 'Just stop running, okay? Just... that... stop. Stop running the ad? No, stop running the campaign. What? Just quit. It would be so cool of you if you just quit. Then I can win the election, and I'll have a big party, and I'll put you both on the guest list, plus one. I'm gonna have a man who does magic.'

Bobby Newport:Bobby's pitch for Leslie to drop out: 'I'll put you both on the guest list, plus one. I'm gonna have a man who does magic. He's really good. Not like cheesy magic. Like, good magic.'

Bobby Newport · Ben Wyatt:Bobby's negotiation escalation: 'Give me it. Give me it. Come on, give me it. Just give me the election. I'm sorry, please. Please.' / Ben: 'Well, Leslie, he does make a compelling argument.'

Bobby Newport:Bobby banging his hand on the table: 'Ah, it's not padded!'

Ben Wyatt:Ben's deadpan: 'Well, Leslie, he does make a compelling argument.'

Bobby Newport · Leslie Knope:Bobby: 'I need something to do to get my dad off my back. This seemed easy. What about you, why are you doing it? Who's your dad?'

Bobby Newport:Bobby's counter-proposal: 'How 'bout you quit running, then I win, but then I let you do all the work.'

Bobby Newport:Bobby's reaction after Leslie and Ben leave: 'Why are you guys smiling? I feel bad.'

Bobby Newport · Leslie Knope:Bobby asking about the little girl in Leslie's video: 'Oh, my God, she's so cute. Do you think you can talk to her and let her do an ad for me?' / Leslie: 'That girl is me as a ten-year-old.' / Bobby: 'How'd you do that?'

Ben Wyatt:Ben's advice: 'Maybe you should see one of the other doctors.' (to Bobby after 'How'd you do that?')

Andy Dwyer:Andy: 'No more doctors. They're a bunch of scam artists. They reel you in with the free stuff. Next thing you know, bam, you run into an ambulance. Every time.'

Andy Dwyer · April Ludgate:Andy: 'We could buy a sewing kit. You could sew up my lip underneath a bridge somewhere.' / April: 'Mmm, so romantic.'

Andy Dwyer · April Ludgate:The closing exchange: Andy: 'Do you think sewing kits are covered by insurance? Or groceries or, like, Xbox games?' / April: 'What is insurance?' / Andy: 'I don't know. Who cares?'