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I don't know why they call it a 'cam-pain.' Because up until now it's been a 'cam-pleasure.'

I am a lifelong government bureaucrat who's well-versed in the issues. And those are the kind of sexy qualifications that win elections.

So do you want me to sign that to miss lope or just Nesney?

Oh, no, you guys are wrong. I'm running unopposed. I'm pretty sure I'm running unopposed, right?

Hey, Ann, are you still a nurse or did they fire you because you slept with all the doctors?

Just got a headache. And I'm seeing double. And I got a song stuck in my head, and my teeth hurt. Also I'm hungry.

Okay, well, some of those things are symptoms and some of them are just being a person.

Oh, yes, technically I did smash my head area into the wall area.

Yeah, he was hanging up his gold record.

Point is, I have a gold record.

Neither of your asses are that smart because insurance is for if something bad happens to your car. P.S. I haven't had it in years.

This is exactly how I dreamed it would be when I was a kid. Except I wasn't 70 points behind and my campaign manager was Mr. belvedere.

I've personally put out several local fires at no cost to the taxpayer.

Are you the kind of doctor who gets hooked on his own drugs? I bet you are.

I was reading an encyclopedia, and I tripped or 'fell over' and hit my head or brain helmet.

Yeah, he sneezed and smacked his head against the wall.

Nope, I've got a weird rash in my knee pit area. And my tongue, on this side, doesn't taste anything anymore.

Sometimes when I walk my ankles make, like, a weird rattlesnake sound.

I once ate a Twix with the wrapper on it, and I've never seen the wrapper come out.

Also I've swallowed every piece of gum that I've chewed for the past 25 years.

I broke my thumb on the way over here. Just fix me.

Hey, I'm Bobby Newport. I'm a regular guy. I like dogs. I'm here with my persian greyhound raclette, who was given to me by my buddy, the pretender to the crown of alsace-Lorraine.

Nah-uh, I always go negative. Even if I like the guy I go negative. Keeps 'em interested.

Oh, my God, this magic marker smells like cherries.

Dam's dead. Have a nice day.

The important thing is the dam is never happening and your dream has been crushed.

When I bet on horses, I never lose. Why? I bet on all the horses.

Well, you wanted to go negative. You got the biggest negative in the world, buddy.

Barack Obama said, 'yes we can,' and now he's president. Ben says, 'no we shouldn't,' and now he's working for his girlfriend.

E, h, 4, m. Potato shape. Coffee mug shape. Smudge, smudge, middle finger, smudge. The rest are all smudges.

No, he's not getting glasses. I like his face the way it is. If you get glasses, I'll divorce you.

Too handsome for glasses, no offense.

I gotta admit, his hair game's on point. Gotta find out what kind of product he puts up in his 'herr.'

Bobby Newport's never had a real job in his life. - Bobby Newport's never had a real job in his life. Bobby Newport. - Bobby. - Bobby. Bobby. Newport.

All right, now we're just wasting time, Jerry.

A cucumber.

I don't know what happened. I declined his invitation. He started laughing. And the next thing I knew, we were at lunch. Did he drug me?

As you can see, I'm in favor of a lot of things, like hot dogs. Right, Charlie?

Leslie is so good at so many things and so bad at that.

I got my ankles microwaved. - X-rayed. They took my blood away to use for science. - Cholesterol tests.

Some guy looked at my wiener, touched it. That was weird. And that guy wasn't even a doctor.

I am Leslie Knope, and I do not approve this message.

Alright, the good news is, there's only two pieces of bad news.

You were pretty easy to take down.

Let's get you home and get me some ice cream.

Oh, I think you're wrong. We have the insurance thing. I believe we're covered.

Let's go! Dine and dash. Out of the way! Yeah! Whoo-hoo-hoo! Ah! Ah, call an ambulance! A different ambulance than the one I ran into.

People keep asking me: Bobby, what are you gonna do once you get into office? Um, I'm pretty sure I'll figure it out.

This is a great friend of mine. He is a fellow who works in the building and he is named Dennis. Kyle.

I was eating rice, and Ron made me come up here.

Come on, give me it. Give me it. Give me it. Just give me the election.

You know what, I need something to do to get my dad off my back. This seemed easy.

How 'bout you quit running, then I win, but then I let you do all the work.

That girl is me as a ten-year-old. How'd you do that?

You could sew up my lip underneath a bridge somewhere. Mmm, so romantic.