The Comeback Kid

Leslie:Ann, you're like a tropical fish. You're so vibrant and colorful, and you brighten up any room you're in. You're just... you're a tropical fish.

Leslie:Ann, you're such an amazing nurse. You've performed so many successful surgeries.

Ann:Leslie, I'm not a surgeon. I've never performed a surgery.

Leslie:Well, you will. Because you're that good.

Ann:I literally just started this job yesterday.

Leslie:And you're already terrible at it.

Andy:Hey Leslie, I just wanted to let you know that I clogged the toilet at home with some stuff I shouldn't have, and now there's water all over the bathroom floor, and I think I broke the sink trying to fix it.

Leslie:We don't need professional campaign managers. Running a campaign is just like committing murder — you plan it out, you execute it, and then you cover your tracks.

Leslie:Wait, that's a terrible analogy. Scratch that.

Leslie:It's like... it's like if someone murdered your best friend, and then they tried to be your best friend. You wouldn't just—okay, that analogy isn't working.

Andy:Well, his name is Champion.

Andy:So he's the champion.

Andy:Champion's lost a leg, but he's still got three good ones. He can run, he can jump, he can play fetch...

Andy:The only thing he can't do is... well, he can't lick his own butt anymore.

Andy:April, you can decide what we do with the dog. I'm putting this completely in your hands.

April:Okay. I've made my decision. We're going to have to put him down. Take him out back, and shoot him in the head.

Andy:Whoa, whoa, whoa! April, no!

April:You said I could decide.

Andy:I thought you'd pick something like... I don't know, a name or something.

April:Yeah, we have jobs. Unlike you.

Tom:See? Hawaiian shirts are in. I told you.

Leslie:Tom, I was making fun of you.

April:That wasn't me, that was Champion.

April:Champion, you can't talk to people like that.

Ron:I don't want to generalize, but I've noticed that every single woman in this office is completely incompetent.

Ben:Here, try this calzone.

Chris:No thanks. Do you know how many calories are in that? The sodium content alone could stop a human heart. Plus, it's fried in what I can only assume is liquefied saturated fat. I'm going to go eat a mound of steamed vegetables and then do 200 sit-ups.

Chris:Ben seems like he's really engaged with his hobbies, you know? He's got his model trains, he's building things in the garage. I think he's in a really good place right now.

Chris:Actually, I'm worried Ben might be severely depressed.

Leslie:Ann, you googled what campaign managers wear? That's so smart!

Ann:Thanks, I wanted to look professional.

Leslie:I'm impressed. Usually when you google something, it's like 'how to get a stain out of white pants' or 'why do my feet hurt.'

Tom:So you've been in the carpet business a long time?

Carpet Salesman:About thirty years.

Tom:That's impressive. You must really know how to lay it down.

Carpet Salesman:Well, yes, I've installed thousands of carpets.

Tom:I bet you're really good at getting it in tight spaces.

Carpet Salesman:It takes practice, but yes.

Tom:Even his shoe insoles are red carpet for maximum luxury

Tom:Can I sit on your lap instead of April's?

Andy:No, Tom. If I let you do that, then I'd have to let Champion sit up front too.

Andy:And I treat that three-legged dog like it has equal rights to car seating.

Andy:Okay, so I kissed the dog, and it was pretty good. Then I kissed April, also very good. And then I kissed myself in the mirror, and... I gotta be honest, I'm in third place.

Andy:Oh, they're waving at us! Wave back!

April:Andy, that's the police.

Andy:I know, they're being so nice!

Leslie:The past is great! We had disco, we had the Concorde, we had The Twilight Zone...

Pete:Leslie, those aren't even—

Leslie:We also had Bigfoot, which may or may not have existed, but the *mystery* was incredible.

Officer:You've violated several laws.

Ron:I don't see it as breaking the law. I see it as a philosophical disagreement with how the government has chosen to organize itself.

Leslie:Where are we?

April:We're inside a building made of walls.

Leslie:Pete, I need you to dunk at the rally. Look, I'm not asking you to do anything crazy. I'm not asking you to sleep with me or anything like that. Although if you wanted to, I mean, I wouldn't say no. But that's not what this is about. I just need you to dunk.

Leslie:Wait, you're not going to prostitute yourself for the campaign? I thought we were in this together, Ann.

Ann:Leslie, I never said I would do that.

Leslie:Well, I'm hurt. I really thought you believed in this.

Chris:Pizza exists as Italian fast food.

Ben:What? No it doesn't. I have no idea what you're talking about. Pizza? Never heard of it.

Ben:Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to get back to my calzone business.

Ben:A calzone is just a pizza that's been folded in half. It's like your father's Oldsmobile, except it's a sandwich.

Ben:I'm starting a business called... Bed Bath & Beyond Burgers.

Ben:So here's my idea: a chain of restaurants where all the food is served at exactly body temperature, and the waiters only communicate through interpretive dance.

Chris:Ben, that is literally the most innovative concept I have ever heard. This is going to be huge. I'm talking Fortune 500. I'm talking about changing the entire restaurant industry. The synergy alone is going to be off the charts. This is a home run. Actually, it's beyond a home run. It's a grand slam in the bottom of the ninth with two outs. I can already see the IPO. We're going to make millions. Billions, even. This is the best idea anyone has ever had, ever, in the history of ideas.

Chris:That was the greatest idea I've ever heard.

Chris:I have no idea what they're talking about. I wasn't listening at all.

Police Officer:April sicced the three-legged dog on a police officer

Leslie:You know what? I'm calling this dysfunctional group my essential campaign team.

Pistol Pete:You know, I've spent my whole life being defined by one moment on the basketball court. But I've realized that life is like basketball in reverse—you start out getting fouled constantly, nobody passes to you, and by the time you finally learn the rules, the game's almost over.

Chris:Ben, I think you need help.

Ben:Help with what? My interpretive dance-boxing hybrid? Because I've been working on some really innovative moves.

Chris:No, Ben. I'm talking about your depression.

Ben:Oh. Well, that too, I guess.

Ben:I'm fine. Look, I made this claymation video of a little guy walking around.

Ben:See? Totally fine.

April:Champion needs to use the bathroom.

April:He's going to poop in the car.

Ben:I compared three seconds of my amateur claymation to a blockbuster movie with a $200 million budget.

Leslie:April, what's the status on the basketball-themed rally venue?

April:Well, we have a problem. You can't have a basketball event in a basketball court because of the basketball.

April:He told me to read the contract, but he said it in a condescending tone, so I didn't. That's on him.

Ron:I Jetsoned your poster. Like the cartoon family, but as a verb.

Jerry:You know, this poster really reminds me of the principles of brutalism in urban design. The way the negative space interacts with the compositional elements... it's quite striking, actually.

Ann:I got Pete to come to the rally.

Leslie:That's amazing! How did you do it?

Ann:Well, we were both crying.

Leslie:Why were you crying?

Ann:I don't know why Pete was crying.

Leslie:Jerry, what did you do? I was going to cancel this thing!

Jerry:I just made some calls, got some people interested—

Leslie:Interested?! There are a hundred people here! A hundred! Do you understand what you've done? I had a whole plan to shut this down gracefully, and now I have to actually run a rally!

Tom:Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you... a red carpet entrance!

Tom:Now, I know what you're thinking: 'Tom, this is only three feet long.' And you're right. But that's three feet of *premium* red carpet. It's like a red carpet, but concentrated. It's red carpet essence.

Ron:I have no idea what just happened, but I'm going to assume this is the dog's fault.

Ron:And now it's peeing on me.

Tom:Ron, how am I supposed to get up there?

Ron:You jump.

Tom:It's like eight feet high.

Ron:Then I suggest you jump higher.

Ben:This tastes like a belt.

Chris:That's because it's from my herb belt.

Ben:No, I mean it literally tastes like a belt. Like, a leather belt.

Chris:Ben's been really withdrawn lately. He won't go to meetings, he's stopped color-coding his binders, and worst of all, he called a fun meeting 'a waste of time.'

Chris:I'm worried he's depressed.

Leslie:We need to fight childhood obesity by encouraging exercise and healthy eating.

Leslie:We need to fight children.

Leslie:Okay, so the rally didn't go exactly as planned. But I want to assure everyone that my campaign is going to be very interesting.

Pete:I'm going to dunk it!

Narrator:[Pete attempts the dunk and fails badly]

Leslie:That was... a really creative approach to basketball!

Leslie:We have Tom, who's great at social media but once tweeted a picture of his foot thinking it was a meme. We have Donna, who organized our entire volunteer database in Excel but refuses to learn what a cloud is. We have Jerry, who shows up to every meeting 20 minutes late with the wrong coffee order, but somehow always has the exact statistic we need. And we have April, who communicates exclusively through sighs and eye rolls, yet somehow convinced the entire Parks Department to volunteer for my campaign. That's our team. Perfectly summarizes their incompetent enthusiasm.

Andy:Whoa, whoa, whoa. What is happening here? Are you two...? Oh man, this is so beautiful. Even the dog gets it.

Andy:Look at him. He's like, 'Finally, my parents are back together.'

Ann:I'm married.

Leslie:No, you're not.

Ann:Yes, I am.

Leslie:Ann, you're not married.

Ann:I am married!

Ann Perkins:Ann attempts to get onto the stage — grunting is heard, music restarts and stops. Ann eventually makes it up with effort. 'Mmm!'

Chris Traeger · Ben Wyatt:Chris gives Ben a herbal smoothie. Ben: 'It tastes like a belt.' Chris: 'I know. Isn't it awful? But it works wonderfully.'

Chris Traeger:Chris: 'Drink up. Because it has every herb in my herb belt.'

Chris Traeger:Chris diagnoses what made him realize Ben was depressed: 'The Letters to Cleo T-shirt, the unshaven face, the Doc Martens... And your hair does not have that normal uptight, rigid, inflexible Ben Wyatt sense of fun.'

Leslie Knope:Leslie at the podium: 'Together, we can defeat... obese children.' (card disorder) 'I'm sure that was something positive, originally.'

Leslie Knope:Leslie: 'This is just a disaster, isn't it? This is the... This is the worst political event ever in history.' / Leslie: 'Well, I can assure you people in the bleachers that if you follow my campaign, it will be interesting.'

Pete Disellio:Pistol Pete endorses Leslie, says 'a vote for her is a slam dunk,' then attempts a dunk on the ice... and falls spectacularly.

Chris Traeger · Ben Wyatt · Leslie Knope:Leslie asks Ben to be her campaign manager. Chris: 'You know, Leslie, Ben's really been going through something. And he's on a journey, so I don't think he's going to be taking the first job...' Ben: 'I'll do it. I'm in. I've done enough exploring. I'm good.'

Ann Perkins:Ann is fired. Ann: 'Oh, thank God.'

Leslie Knope:Leslie: 'Oh! Don't make out. It's making Champion sad.'

Pete Disellio · Ann Perkins · Andy Dwyer · April Ludgate:The team gives Pete cookies and balloons as apology for 'dredging up your past just to be publicly humiliated.' Pete: 'That's nice.' / 'Is there anything else we can do?' Pete: 'You can let me take you to dinner.' Andy/April: 'Yes, Ann. Yes, you should do that.' Ann: 'Oh, I can't, though. Because I'm married.' Andy/April: 'You're not married.' Ann: 'She's not married.'

Pete Disellio:'This is uncomfortable.'