Allez Vous

Moira:Oh, it's my dear friend reaching out. We're so close, you know. They mean everything to me.

Moira:Though I should mention, they're an angry drunk. But that doesn't change how much I care about them.

Moira:Oh, how thoughtful! A cosmetics starter kit from my dear friend.

Moira:A *starter* kit? What exactly are you suggesting? That my beauty regimen is somehow... insufficient? That I need to *start* over? How dare you insinuate that my complexion requires remedial intervention, you absolute charlatan. Take your pedestrian drugstore drivel and your thinly veiled insults elsewhere!

David:But you could win a car.

Moira:What color is it?

Moira:Oh, that's ridiculous. People don't just win cars from schemes like that.

Moira:Although, what exactly is the scheme? How much is the initial investment?

Johnny:Ray won't lend me his car because he has to drive his elderly mother.

Johnny:I mean, what am I supposed to do? Take the bus like some sort of... person with limited resources?

Johnny:Where does a 92-year-old need to go?

Moira:To the grave, John.

Moira:That was very masculine of you, taking control like that.

Johnny:Well, I wouldn't say begging for a truck to beg for money is particularly masculine.

Johnny:Roland, do you have a moment?

Roland:What's that?

Johnny:I said, do you have a moment to talk?

Roland:Can't hear you over the mower!

Johnny:It's about the property line!

Roland:The property's fine!

Johnny:No, the property LINE!

Roland:I'll do another pass!

Johnny:You dumb son of a...

Roland:What was that, Johnny?

Johnny:Nothing, Roland.

Roland:No, no, I heard you. You dumb son of a... what?

Roland:You can borrow my truck, but I need it back by Friday.

Roland:And it's gotta be filled up with gas. Premium, not regular.

Roland:The tires need to be checked. All four of 'em.

Roland:And I want the interior vacuumed. The seats wiped down.

Roland:The cup holders cleaned out. And the air freshener replaced with the pine scent, not the vanilla.

Roland:The windows washed inside and out. And the mirrors polished.

Roland:And if there's even a spec of dust on the dashboard, we're gonna have words.

Johnny:Or I could just... take my own car.

Roland:Your loss.

Johnny:I don't use wiper fluid.

Roland:Oh sure, and I don't use it either. That's why my windshield's so clean.

Moira:Well, she clearly didn't make that money on her GED.

Moira:Well, her face is certainly... different. I'm assuming that's a choice she made, and not a reaction to some sort of allergic situation.

Moira:The cheekbones are very... pronounced. It's like watching someone who's been caught in a wind tunnel.

Moira:And the lips! They're so plump, I'm worried she's going to tip over if she leans forward.

David:So what are the tips and tricks?

MLM Speaker (Video):Well, the key to success is to think like a successful person.

David:Right, but what does that mean?

MLM Speaker (Video):It means you need to believe in yourself and your product.

David:Yes, but specifically—

MLM Speaker (Video):And once you believe, others will believe too.

David:Okay, but how do I actually make money?

MLM Speaker (Video):By helping others succeed, you succeed.

David:I'm not getting anything from this.

David:Wait, why is the video talking in circles?

Moira:It's a scam, David.

Moira:We should do it.

Moira:We're going to sell the products at a luncheon.

David:A luncheon?

Moira:Yes, it's more sophisticated than a lunch.

Alexis:I'm sorry, I'm being difficult. I'm on this new cleanse and I'm just really irritable.

Alexis:It's basically just hot water and lemon, but apparently it makes you a nightmare.

Ted:It's not like there's broken glass in it.

Twyla:Oh thank God. I thought you were going to say there was.

Ted:No, no. I was just saying that to reassure you.

Ted:Alexis, I'm just trying to help. You've been incredibly rude to everyone today.

Alexis:Oh my god, that is so rude of you to say.

Bob:Well, what do you think? Pretty great, right?

Johnny:Oh, it's absolutely stunning. Really, truly one of the finest automobiles I've ever seen.

Johnny:Bob, I appreciate your enthusiasm, but I need you to understand something. A test drive is a very intimate experience. It's a moment between a man and a machine. A little peccadillo, if you will.

Bob:A peccadillo is a minor fault or sin, Johnny.

Johnny:Yes, well, the point is, I need to be alone with the car. It's romantic.

Johnny:♪ Going down to the unemployment office, gonna get myself some checks... ♪

Alexis:I'm just saying, Ted is too nice. It's exhausting. He's always so... helpful and considerate.

Stevie:What are you talking about? Ted's great.

Alexis:I know, but like, in high school I was really mean to him. I called him names, I excluded him from things...

Stevie:You bullied Ted?

Alexis:Well, yes, but now he's so nice to me it just makes me feel guilty all the time.

Stevie:Wow.

Alexis:I bullied Ted because he was polite. Like, aggressively polite. He would hold doors open and say 'excuse me' and it was just... I couldn't stand it.

Johnny:Come on, come on, come on...

Johnny:No, no, no, no, NO!

Johnny:Are you KIDDING me right now?

Johnny:This is UNBELIEVABLE!

Roland:Oh, you're being all mysterious about where you're going? That's fine. I don't need to know. I'm just the guy who owns the motel where you're staying. But sure, keep your little secrets. I respect that.

Roland:So where are we going, Johnny? You've been so secretive about it.

Johnny:We're going to the hardware store, Roland.

Roland:The hardware store? Why would you not just tell me that in the first place? I didn't even want to know!

Roland:So where are we going, Johnny?

Johnny:Roland, I've told you three times already.

Roland:I know, I know, I'm just making conversation.

Johnny:We're going to the doctor.

Roland:Whoa, whoa, whoa. That's personal, Johnny. I didn't need to know that.

Moira:And that's why Herb-scription cosmetics are not just a beauty product, they're a lifestyle choice!

David:Mom, why are there seventeen boxes of face serum under the sink?

Moira:David, I've explained this. I'm a regional sales associate now.

David:You bought seventeen boxes yesterday.

Moira:Well, you can never have too much inventory.

David:And the forty jars of anti-wrinkle cream in your closet?

Moira:Those are samples for potential clients.

David:There are literally products in the toilet tank.

Moira:Oh my God, David, why are you snooping in the toilet tank?

Alexis:Oh my God, Ted, you have to leave the party.

Ted:Oh, well, I'm actually having a really nice time.

Alexis:Yes, but you need to go. Now.

Ted:Oh, but your friends have been so welcoming, and the appetizers are really—

Alexis:Ted! Can you just, for once in your life, be rude? Be mean? Say something horrible!

Ted:I... I don't think I can do that.

Alexis:This is exactly what I'm talking about!

Alexis:He's being so decisive-y right now.

Moira:Alexis, darling, I've discovered the most revolutionary anti-aging serum. You simply must try it.

Alexis:Mom, I'm in my twenties.

Moira:I know, sweetie. That's why you need to start now. Prevention is key.

Alexis:Are you saying I look old?

Moira:No, no. I'm saying you look like you're about to.

Ronnie:You people are delusional if you think anyone's gonna buy this crap. I've seen better sales pitches from a concussed squirrel.

Johnny:I need to speak to someone about expediting my application. I have a very tight schedule.

Clerk:Sir, these things take time.

Johnny:Well, I don't have time. I have a golf game on Thursday.

Clerk:Have you ever been convicted of a felony?

Johnny:Well, not convicted.

Clerk:Do you have any experience in this field?

Johnny:I have money. Isn't that experience?

Clerk:Can you start immediately?

Johnny:I'm going to need at least three weeks to have my assistant set up my office. And I don't have an assistant yet.

Johnny:I'm an employer. I have employees. Surely that qualifies me for employee benefits.

David:Dad, you can't get employee benefits for being an employer.

Johnny:Well, that seems like a significant oversight in the system.

Johnny:Well, you're doing a wonderful job.

Moira:Well, I think it went rather well, actually. Did you see how engaged everyone was? Particularly when they were leaving.

Moira:And the energy in the room was electric. Granted, most of it was static electricity from people frantically gathering their belongings, but energy nonetheless.

Moira:I'm already planning the next event. I'm thinking we go bigger. More aggressive. Perhaps we hold them hostage until they commit to a starter kit.

Moira:Wait, you're all already in an MLM?

Jocelyn:Oh yes, I'm a Regional Vice President.

Ronnie:I'm a District Manager.

Moira:Well, I'm a National Executive Director of Operations.

Jocelyn:I'm actually a Continental Ambassador.

Ronnie:Global Empress.

Moira:I'm the... Supreme Overlord of All Pyramids.

Jocelyn:That's not real.

Ronnie:Yeah, Moira, that's not a thing.

Moira:Oh.

Moira:In a town this size, the multi-level marketing structure becomes rather... recursive.

Jocelyn:What do you mean?

Moira:Well, I was selling to Roland, who was selling to David, who was selling to you, who was selling back to me.

Jocelyn:So we were all just... buying from each other?

Moira:In circles. We created a pyramid scheme where the pyramid was actually a circle, and we were all at the bottom of it.

Roland:Marnie! Oh my God, it's been what, thirty years? You look exactly the same. Well, not exactly. Your face has changed. And your body. But in a good way, I think. Anyway, I've thought about you a lot over the years. Mostly in the shower. Sometimes in the car. One time during a city council meeting, but I was very discreet about it.

Marnie:Oh. Um. That's... nice?

Roland:You know, I still have the motel receipt from that night. I keep it in my wallet. Next to my driver's license and pictures of my kids, but closer to the front.

Marnie:I should probably get going.

Johnny:I don't qualify for unemployment. I need to find work immediately.

Roland:Wait a minute... didn't you work for me at the store?

Johnny:No, Roland, I never worked for you.

Roland:Oh right, right, right... I'm remembering it now. You worked for me for... two years.

Roland:So you need to list your job duties for the unemployment office.

Johnny:Yes, that's right.

Roland:Well, let's see... You were in charge of... moisturizing the storefront windows with your own saliva.

Johnny:What? No, I wasn't!

Roland:And twice a week you had to polish the merchandise with your hair.

Johnny:Roland, I'm not putting that down!

Roland:Oh, and your primary responsibility was standing in the window in your underwear to attract customers.

Roland:I had to let Johnny go. He was cutting the gravy with water.

Roland:I said, 'Johnny, you can't cut the gravy with water.' He said, 'Why not?' I said, 'Because then it's not gravy, it's just hot salt water with the dreams of gravy in it.'

Alexis:Ted, I'm so sorry. I got you a gift as an apology.

Ted:Oh, Alexis, that's very thoughtful of you.

Alexis:I know you're going to love it. It's this amazing skincare line that I've been meaning to get rid of—I mean, share with you.

Ted:Is this... an MLM product?

Alexis:Well, it was sitting in my closet and nobody wanted it, so...

Alexis:My family sees kindness as a weakness. Like, my dad literally told me that showing emotion is for people who can't afford therapy.

Ted:That's... that's not healthy.

Alexis:I know! But try telling that to a man who considers eye contact a personal attack.

Alexis:Can you just be mean to me? Like, as a roleplay thing?

Ted:I don't think I need to roleplay that with you.

Alexis:Just try to be mean to me.

Ted:Okay, fine. You're shallow, you're self-absorbed, and you've never had a real relationship that lasted more than a few months because you get bored the second someone actually cares about you.

Alexis:Wow, okay, that's... that's actually really mean.

Roland:I'm gonna make you an offer you can't refuse.

Johnny:Is that The Godfather?

Roland:The what?

Johnny:The Godfather. The movie.

Roland:No, no. This is just how I talk now.

Roland:I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse.

Johnny:That's The Godfather.

Roland:No, no, no. It's not a movie. It's something I came up with.

Johnny:Roland, that's literally The Godfather.

Roland:Well, I don't know what that is.

Roland:So I need you to do me a favor. I need you to pick up some Kleenex for me.

Johnny:Of course.

Roland:And I need you to grab me a caddy for it.

Johnny:Sure.

Roland:I'm serious.

Bob:I told you that car wasn't going to make it on the highway.

Johnny:Well, it made it further than I expected.

Bob:It broke down two miles from here.

Johnny:Exactly. Two miles further than I expected.

Johnny:This car is a complete disaster. It's falling apart, Bob.

Bob:I'm aware of the condition, but I'm willing to offer you fifteen thousand dollars.

Johnny:Fifteen thousand? Bob, you couldn't give this away. It's worthless.

Bob:Well, I think you're being unfair. I'm going to raise my offer to seventeen thousand.

Johnny:You're insane. The transmission doesn't even work!

Bob:Eighteen thousand. Final offer.

Bob:Wait, wait, wait! Johnny, come back! I'll throw in these premium floor mats absolutely free!

Johnny:Bob, the car doesn't have an engine.

Bob:Yes, but look at how clean the floors will be.