Carls Funeral

Roland:Remember when Bob and I went to that conference in Atlantic City? We shared a hotel room, and one night after a few drinks, things got a little... heated.

Johnny:Roland, I don't think—

Roland:No, no, let me finish. We ended up in the hot tub together, and Bob said something so funny I nearly drowned laughing.

Moira:Oh my God.

Roland:What? It's a beautiful memory!

Johnny:That's not helpful, Roland. That's not helpful at all.

Johnny:Wait, is that how I know you?

Johnny:From that story?

Roland:We need to talk about what happened. Someone's dead.

Johnny:What? Who?

Roland:It's your mother.

Moira:I'm standing right here, Roland.

Roland:I know. Your favorite plant died.

Moira:Your back is fine. It's your core that's the problem. You have the abdominal strength of a newborn giraffe.

Johnny:Thank you, Moira. Very helpful. Perhaps we could focus on solving the actual problem at hand rather than discussing snack foods?

Johnny:Well, he's not going to care. He's dead.

David:These new neighbors are absolutely insufferable. Their noise levels are inconsistent with any reasonable standard of—

Moira:David, those are your family members.

David:Yes, well, that was my point.

David:I'm not saying we should kill them, but I'm not *not* saying it either.

Sean · Bree:It's 20 seconds in the microwave not 20 minutes, you tool!

David:I'm not interested in being part of whatever this is.

Moira:David, where are you going?

David:Away. Far away. Somewhere without this level of dysfunction.

Johnny:It's not that bad.

David:Not that bad? This family makes spring break look like a quiet retreat.

Alexis:David! David, wait! You can't just leave me here with these people. David, your calves are like... they're like two angry grapes in a tube sock. David!

Bob:You know, when you really think about it, death is just... it's the end of life.

Bob:And life is what happens before death. So death is really just the conclusion of what came before it.

Bob:Which means life is essentially the beginning of death. Everything we do is just... preparing for the end.

Bob:But the end is only the end because there's a beginning. Without a beginning, there'd be no end.

Bob:So really, death is just life that's finished being life. And life is just death that hasn't started yet.

Bob:So when you think about it... they're kind of the same thing.

Bob:I think about dying here sometimes. Like, what if I die in this room? What if this is where it all ends?

Twyla:Would you like some coffee?

Johnny:Ow! My back! Ow, ow, ow! This is excruciating!

Johnny:I came to express my condolences, but I can't even remember the dead man's name.

Johnny:Well, I... I admire Carl as well. He's a very... capable individual. His work ethic is... commendable.

Johnny:I'm not a public speaker. I can't stand up in front of people and just... talk. It makes me incredibly uncomfortable.

Johnny:Which is why I'm not going to do this keynote address, regardless of how much they're paying me.

Alexis:Oh my God, look at this couple. I mean, the outfit choices alone are just... tragic. And did you see how he ordered his coffee? Like, we get it, you're indecisive.

Alexis:And her shoes? Honey, those went out of style in 2009. Which, granted, was only like five years ago in real time, but still.

Alexis:Wait... oh my God. Oh my God, no. That's... that's my cousin and his wife.

Stevie:The baby is... fine.

Alexis:Oh my god, did you see how she was dressed? I mean, the hem on that dress was literally touching the ground.

David:And did you hear her accent? I couldn't understand a word she was saying.

Stevie:That's my mom.

Alexis:Oh.

David:Oh.

Stevie:Well, given the number of people your cousin has slept with, I'd say the real question isn't who the father is. It's who it isn't.

Ted:Well, I had some questionable sushi for lunch, and let's just say the Febreze is a necessary precaution for my digestive system's inevitable rebellion.

Ted:I'd like you to meet my dogs. This is Schnaps and this is Ginger.

Alexis:Oh my god, they're so cute!

Ted:Yeah, they're great. Fair warning though, they both have pretty significant parasite issues.

Alexis:Oh...

Ted:The dogs are actually very friendly. They just need to get to know you. It's like... they're my children, and you're going to be their new mother.

Alexis:I'm sorry, what?

Ted:Well, I mean, eventually. When we're ready to take that step in our relationship.

Alexis:Ted, we've been dating for like three weeks.

Moira:So there I was, trapped into giving a eulogy for someone I barely knew. What was I supposed to do? I couldn't very well stand up there and admit I had no idea who the deceased was.

Moira:So I did what any reasonable person would do. I gave a ten-minute interpretive dance number set to Enya.

Moira:Not a dry eye in the house. They thought it was the most moving tribute they'd ever seen.

Alexis:Why is the dog staring at us?

Ted:Oh, he does that. I think he's just curious.

Alexis:Curious? Ted, we're in bed together.

Ted:Yeah, well, he's a dog. I don't think he really understands the concept of privacy.

Alexis:Oh my God. Is he smelling the... Oh my God, he knows.

Alexis:Okay, can you guys just— can you please just get out?

Alexis:Get out! Out! OUT!

Johnny:I'm trying to sleep. Could everyone please be quiet?

Sean:Sleep? That's just practice for death. Why would you want to practice that?

Johnny:You smell like a brewery had sex with a Christmas tree.

Johnny:What was the cause of death?

Bob:Well, it was... it was autoerotic asphyxiation.

Johnny:Oh my God.

Bob:Yeah, he was found... in a very compromising position.

Bob:Well, you have to admit, the ceiling fan held up remarkably well.

Stevie:Yeah, well, when I'm drunk, I like to ruin my life, so we all have our thing.

David:Is that... a thong?

Stevie:It was under the bed.

David:Well, it didn't get there by itself. And judging by the burn marks, I'd say it was used as a makeshift... what exactly?

Stevie:A hair straightener cover.

David:That's disgusting. We're going to have to throw out the entire nightstand.

Minister:Nothing says we'll miss you like an excerpt from 'Breaking Dawn,' one of Carl's favourites of the Twilight movies.

Johnny:Carl was full of life. He was vibrant, he was energetic, he was... he was right here.

Johnny Rose:Death is a terrible thing.

Johnny Rose:Now it's Carl's main characteristic.

Johnny:Carl was a man who... who knew how to handle things. He had a real knack for getting deep into situations and really... finishing what he started.

Moira:*whispers* Oh my God.

David:*covers face*

Johnny:Well, at the funeral, the priest kept mentioning how Carl died doing what he loved... which was apparently getting stuck in increasingly smaller spaces.

Johnny:I'm standing here today to say goodbye to someone who was... who was very important. And I keep thinking about mortality, about how we're all just... dust. Aren't we all just dust? I'm dust. You're dust. This podium is dust.

Johnny:And what's the point? What's any of it for? I spent my entire life building things, acquiring things, and for what? So I can stand here at a funeral and realize it all means nothing?

Johnny:I don't even know who I am anymore. I came here with nothing. And I'm going to leave with nothing. And somewhere in between, I convinced myself that I was someone important. That I mattered.

Johnny:And this person we're here to mourn today—they probably felt the same way. They probably lay awake at night wondering if their life had any meaning. And now they're gone. And we're here. And soon we'll be gone too.

Moira:I told you about the time I faked my own death at that gala in Monaco!

Moira:You simply announce that the deceased has risen, and everyone leaves immediately out of awkwardness.

Moira:It worked then, it'll work now.

Ted:I'm so sorry about the dogs. They've been acting out since we started them on a new food.

Ted:They're actually very ashamed of what happened. They know what they did was wrong.

Ted:We've had several conversations about appropriate boundaries and consent.

Alexis:Wait, you're a vet? Like a veterinarian?

Ted:Yes, that's correct.

Alexis:Oh my God. So you see animals... naked?

Ted:Well, animals don't typically wear clothes, so—

Alexis:That's so weird. Don't they feel like, embarrassed? I would be mortified if someone saw me naked like that.

Alexis:I'm just concerned about all these slutty animals running around.

Ted:Well, you know, that's actually a very legitimate concern. We do see a lot of promiscuous behavior in the animal kingdom.

Ted:Perhaps we should consider some sort of animal chastity program.

Ted:I got you something from a book I was reading.

Alexis:Oh my God, is it a Birkin?

Sean:You know what? I've been thinking about opening my own store.

Johnny:Oh yeah? What kind of store?

Sean:I'm gonna call it 'A**hole Emporium.' You know, so people know what they're getting into right away.

Sean:Wait... this whole time... my hat's been on backwards.

Bob:Would you be interested in singing at my cousin's funeral?

Moira:Well, I would be delighted to, but isn't your cousin still alive?

Bob:Yes, but we like to book entertainment in advance.

Johnny:A roasted pig? What am I supposed to do with a roasted pig?

David:It's Hawaiian night, Dad. It's a whole thing.

Johnny:Well, I'm not going to make a pig's ear out of a silk purse.