Carls Funeral

You broke into his cabin and had sex while he and his wife were in the next room.

Oh... That's Bob.

No, not Bob. Bob's brother, Carl, died.

And his arms are so weak. Little muscles like corn nuts.

Yeah, yeah, we're just talking about my back, sweetheart.

Shouldn't bother Carl.

Some townie douchebag is moving in next door. They've got a baby.

Is there a gun?

It's 20 seconds in the microwave not 20 minutes, you tool!

I've been on enough spring breaks to know how this is gonna end

Is anybody in that hollow chest?

You know, they say death is just life except you're not here. You're somewhere else, you know? But... But that's okay because at least you're somewhere, you know? But when does... When does somewhere become there? And when does there become here?

For here?

Ooh, wow. Ugh. Yikes! That's... That hurts today.

C-C-Chris- Carl.

And I him. Yeah. And I him.

I clam up pret-pretty good.

They're like really scummy. Like... very skaggy people, who happened to produce a child that hasn't been taken away from them yet.

The baby's relatively normal looking.

They're my cousins.

Bree's not exactly fussy when it comes to introducing men to her vagina.

I was eating Indian last night, so...

your worms are almost all gone, aren't they?

think of them as... our kids.

I just stood up and sang 'Danny Boy.' Not a dry eye in the house.

Oh, yeah, dogs sometimes do that.

Does... does that mean it's full?

Out! Out!

Well, you know who's sleeping forever, bud? My ex-stepdad, yeah.

You smell... very flammable right now.

Apparently, he was trying to unhook his belt from the ceiling fan and... apparently it... It got knotted around his neck.

But uh... Carl found the studs on that one.

Mine's shame eating, so yours sounds more fun.

his was wrapped around the remote. Don't worry, I threw out the remote.

Nothing says we'll miss you like an excerpt from 'Breaking Dawn,' one of Carl's favourites of the Twilight movies.

and now... lying... very, very close to me.

And yet, for Carl, pretty much an all-consuming thing at this point.

And-and he loved the feel of big tool in his hand, am I right, Bob?

when Carl was spinning around on that ceiling fan that he was so very proud of

Well... I-I am here to talk about dying in Schitt's Creek! I'm here to talk about the misery of our lives here and how we might never escape this place, and how we do not wanna end up in a coffin, like Carl, here in this... godforsaken-

♪ Oh, Danny boy, ♪ ♪ the pipes, the pipes are calling... ♪

And if it's any consolation, the dogs told me to tell you that they're super embarrassed about their behaviour, too.

There'd be slutty little animals running around.

And I only take in the slutty ones, so...

Is it a credit card?

You know where I got my hat, brah? Where? 'Assholes' R 'Us'.

My hat.. I'm wearing it. I'm wearing it...

She's not dead, but... She's been coughing a lot lately.

So, who's pig do we have to slaughter to get an invite?