Twyla Sands

Oh, hello! Hi, I'm Twyla. I'll be your waitress today.

But he is learning Spanish. No mas, le duele! I think it means, 'Stop, it hurts.'

My mom has this thing where half the time she thinks I'm her cousin Angela. And it's getting harder and harder to coordinate visitation times with my dad in prison.

Oh, that is my favourite Liam Neeson movie.

'there's a 50/50 chance there's meat in it'

Twyla asks why Alexis gets dressed up for community service, Naomi Campbell reference follows

Twyla's confused response: 'Um... I didn't understand a word you just said.'

No, Meadow Harvest is exactly how it sounds. It just changes everyday.

Yes, it is. Yup. At times. And then other times, not.

There's broken glass? / No, there is not broken glass in it

For here?

Nothing. I mean, we talk, but... We don't really talk about anything. Like, nothing.

Twyla's casual mention: 'Your mom did the same thing to me this morning'

Twyla's father's backstory: 'My dad always said, When in doubt, say it with a song. He was a roadie with Fleetwood Mac and that was the last thing Mick Fleetwood said to him before the band hit him with a restraining order'

He was a roadie with Fleetwood Mac and that was the last thing Mick Fleetwood said to him before the band hit him with a restraining order.

Yeah, judging by your tips, I was never really sure.

Knockoffs are getting so good these days.

I'm gonna feel like Patty LaBelle.

I'm gonna feel like Patty LaBelle.

Which isn't so much a rush as much as it is just a... A handful of people showing up at a leisurely pace.

I am just gonna put these plates down. I just think I'll think better, once the blood rushes from my arms, back to my head.

Totally, they're just heavy plates!

No, actually, we performed in Central Park. - C-Central Park? Really?

People were saying that a girl was struggling with her bike. I kinda just assumed it was a toddler.

Get the hell outta here, you dumb broad! (Chuckles) That was another thing he used to say.

I'm sorry, did you just ask for cake? I'm not used to you ordering solid food.

Are we ready to order, councilor?

Not that people won't know, when they see you in that outfit. It's very shiny.

Granted, I bought it from a man who I later found out was a drifter.

It might've been elk's milk. Is elk's milk a thing? I don't know.

You would make a terrible drug dealer, Mr. Rose.

Like didn't learn anything from the first two! I mean, what is that?!

We have a limit as to how much you can charge without actually making any effort to pay.

My Uncle Ken only has three fingers now, which is too bad, because he's deaf, and he only speaks using sign language, but... He made his choices.

That's kind of like my aunt. She has a ghost in her house that keeps leaving dimes everywhere.

Stay away from the Cafe, the olives are bad.

Well, I went whitewater rafting, Oh no, well, that'll do it, I mean... Anyway, it's fine now. Yesterday it was this stabbing pain, but today it's more like a really intense throbbing.

Joking when you're way too busy, trying to tell you how they want their food cooked. I've experienced a bit of that myself.

Well, that doesn't even begin to cover it!

Who's the other actress? / Well, they haven't found her yet.

God, it'd be such big shoes to fill. / No, Twyla, no. No deprecatory mocking.

♪ K-H-E-O-K! ♪

Oh well, the party's actually Friday. I had a 50/50 chance there.

I was actually thinking bagel bites. - Ah! Did I mention it was a potluck? Oh, you most certainly did not.

No one's coming to your party? Well, in fairness, the party is still a few hours away.

And some people did say that if another thing that's supposed to happen doesn't happen, then they might be able to come, so, that's good.

Well, I shouldn't have said no one, My mom will come. And she'll probably bring whoever she's dating. And he'll most likely bring some younger friend.

You'd be shocked at how many celebrities show up to a thing with the promise of a free Wagyu slider. I-I'm not charging anyone, this is just for fun. Oh, this is worse than I assumed!

Pretty sure I scraped off all the freezer burn.

these don't travel well. Even coming from the kitchen they lost a lot of shape.

John Cougar... No. Mellencamp. But guess who drove me home that night? Mr. Rose. Yes, you're right.

Your mom's trick totally worked. I ran my finger down the backs of three different guys, and one of them turned around.

And again you know, my thing with ghosts? But she didn't seem angry like the other ones.

The most projected nominee to have never actually been nominated.

And the usual fried chicken on a waffle, extra skin.

Okay um, but wouldn't it make more sense to offer a discount for people not dining alone?

meatloaf night was yesterday. - Dear God, I...

I could've sworn it was Wednesdays. - It's always been Tuesdays.

And yet, here you are, eating yesterday's meatloaf.

Twyla's soup logistics: 'We don't actually have to-go containers for that, so I've just double-bagged it. Would you like a spoon, or a straw?'

Oh, if you're talking about my earrings the clasp broke, so I actually physically cannot take them off.

Yeah, I used to think that a lot growing up, when I'd see other kids with their families.

Well, I do have a large collection of my grandfather's hospital bracelets.

I know you asked for a small, but I 'swapped it' for a large.

I know it by heart. I actually sing it quietly every time you do it.

I'm not sure if it's just the punch, but... he could get it!

Looks like they double-booked Poison with The Doodlebops.

No, but I can ask George to burn something on the grill.

this afternoon I made some... magic brownies!

this afternoon I made some... magic brownies!

It's really short. ♪ Every rose has its thorn ♪

I did have a cousin who was in 'Riverdance' until she got trampled.

Sorry, you know those days where you're just like, super in love? / Hmm, not really

Someone who would literally put all their hopes and dreams aside to be with me

He predicted when he was going to leave my mom like, to the day.

Yeah, so I see a boat capsizing. People screaming. And a couple, like, under water. And then it sort of fades to black.

Mm, more like a funeral.

I think the deck may be cursed. I predicted four other drownings today.

Either that or it's a stain from a beer bottle. Because my mom's ex gave me the cards.

The turtle flew to the Galapagos? No, Ted the turtle is missing, I am now talking about my boyfriend Ted, Twy. It'd be great if you could keep up.

My mom had a turtle dove that was eaten by her ex-fiancé's snake. That was a bad sign. And it happened on Valentine's Day. And her fiancé was a Satanist.

Oh, and if you do see Ted like waddling around in the kitchen, just feed him a carrot and shoot me a text. I hope you're joking. Me too, girl. Love you!

Ted! More about your bottom half, please! / Twyla's not standing right behind you, is she? / Hi, Ted.

My uncle had a parrot that just kept asking me to take my bra off.

Oh my gosh, did you not know that? My mom tried to take me to the gateway for spring break one year. I just thought I was supporting your career.

I know you, Alexis, and you always make the right decision. Eventually.

I don't know, I was a baby at the time, but there's a photo of him holding me at Christmas. And I remember that, because that was the year Santa brought me a lighter.

I'll have the Miso Black Cod, please. - We don't have that. - You mean, you're sold out, is more like it!

Oh, Alexis, garbage day is the same for the whole street. You didn't need to bring your garbage all the way here.

I won some money in the lottery a few years ago. Oh my god, Twy! Go you! Why did you not tell me this before?

I just won $92 million? You won $92 million? Oh, no. Sorry. Okay, because I literally was about to pass out. Yeah. No, no. I split the $92 million with another guy.

And if I've learned anything from how my mom spent the money I gave her, It's that money can buy a lot of snowmobiles, But it can't buy happiness.

Oh. That I shouldn't be afraid to spend money On things that are special to me. So... I bought the café.

Oh. That I shouldn't be afraid to spend money On things that are special to me. So... I bought the café.

Twyla's café tropical. It's got a nice ring to it, right? Yeah. Or like 'Twyla's café'. Yeah, I don't think so.

Hey Twy, like, cute dress. / Thanks. My friend gave it to me.