Twyla Sands

Moira · Twyla:I am appalled that my baby girl has turned into a selfish, duplicitous whore! / Oh, hello! / Hi, I'm Twyla. I'll be your waitress today.

Twyla:I had a second cousin in Elmdale who did telemarketing. He made a ton of money. Turns out his entire business was illegal, and he lost everything. Hmm. Not quite the same. Yeah. No, he went to prison, which is terrible, but… But he is learning Spanish. No mas, le duele! I think it means, 'Stop, it hurts.'

Twyla · David · David:I'm Twyla from the cafe. / Yeah. / Yeah. Davis Rose. / I'm a little drunk.

Alexis · Mutt · Twyla:Alexis shows up at Mutt's cabin — Mutt answers the door apparently shirtless/post-workout; Twyla is also there

Twyla · Johnny · Moira:Twyla: 'I did. It's a little different now. My mom has this thing where half the time she thinks I'm her cousin Angela. And it's getting harder and harder to coordinate visitation times with my dad in prison.'

Johnny · Twyla:Johnny: 'I'm sorry I asked.' Twyla: 'Oh, that's okay! I'll get you your coffees.'

Twyla:Twyla: 'Oh, that is my favourite Liam Neeson movie.'

Twyla:Twyla: 'I brought this pie from work but on the way, I realized I didn't check what kind so there's a 50/50 chance there's meat in it.'

Twyla · David:Twyla: 'Well, you look good.' David: 'That's... just the way I look.'

Alexis · Mutt · Twyla:During a yoga pose where Alexis is holding Mutt's thigh, something goes wrong — 'Let's bring it down... Oh, no! Oh! Mutt should support his own thigh.' Alexis: 'Omigod! Omigod! I'm so sorry.'

Twyla:During yoga's exhale-your-tension moment, Twyla unexpectedly shares: 'I burnt my sausage casserole.'

Twyla:Twyla's second exhale confession: 'I'm pretty sure I'm really lonely here.'

Alexis · Twyla:The Meadow Harvest smoothie exchange — Twyla explains it 'changes every day, depends on her mood, all organic, earthy,' then when pressed on fruity vs. vegetably, admits 'No, I don't know.'

Twyla:Meadow Harvest is exactly how it sounds. — It just changes every day.

Alexis · Twyla:Yeah, it's a little less fruity but a little more... something. Mm! Mm... (Giggles and spits)

Ted · Twyla:It's not like there's broken glass in it. / There's broken glass?

David · Twyla · Mutt:What do you two talk about all day out there? / Nothing. / I mean, we talk, but... We don't really talk about... / So, like, what? / Like, nothing.

Twyla · David:I had a best friend that hooked. She married one... / Wow! So cool. / It's not the time, Twyla.

Twyla:Twyla, non-sequitur: 'I had a best friend that hooked. She married one of her clients. Wow! So cool.' — apropos of the word 'hooker.'

Ted · Twyla:Um, Stevie, I don't think you're a big hooker. / You don't talk all dinner, and now you're telling me I can't talk about Trixie?

Twyla:Is there a right time to talk about being a hooker? / I bet nobody thought sex with Trixie was funny.

Twyla · Alexis:Twyla: 'I'm so sorry. I really didn't think that was gonna hit you.' Alexis: 'That's okay. Your mom did the same thing to me this morning.'

Twyla:Twyla: 'He was a roadie with Fleetwood Mac and that was the last thing Mick Fleetwood said to him before the band hit him with a restraining order.'

Twyla:Yeah, judging by your tips, I was never really sure.

Twyla · John:Oh yeah, it's always quiet before the lunch rush. / Which isn't so much a rush as much as it is just a... / A handful of people showing up at a leisurely pace.

Twyla:I am just gonna put these plates down. I just think I'll think better, once the blood rushes from my arms, back to my head.

Moira · Twyla:Moira's passive-aggressive 'no big ladies' bruncheon for me' fishing for an invitation

Moira · Twyla:Moira is visibly wrong-footed when Twyla reveals they performed in Central Park at the 'Little Towns, Big Voices' festival

Moira · Twyla:Twyla mistakes Moira for being 'in like, a soap opera' when Moira declares herself a professional vocalist

Twyla:Twyla's mom's boyfriend bike-teaching method: 'One foot on the ground, one foot on the pedal, now get the hell outta here!'

Twyla:Twyla: 'Get the hell outta here, you dumb broad!' — revealed as another thing her mom's boyfriend used to say

Twyla · Mutt:Did you lose weight? — I shaved my beard.

Alexis · Twyla:Um, what's the cake today? — I'm sorry, did you just ask for cake? I'm not used to you ordering solid food.

Twyla · Moira Rose:Twyla congratulates Moira on running for town council — something Moira has no idea about

Moira Rose · John Rose · Twyla:Moira struggling to find the word to describe the town, going around and around — 'somewhere less... less what? What's the word I'm trying to think of?' — and everyone hoping she doesn't find it

Twyla:Twyla cheerfully asks 'Are we ready to order, councilor?' — immediately after Moira said she'd sooner gouge her eyes out than run

Twyla · Alexis Rose:Alexis, trying to get Twyla for a sleepover, is told: 'part of me is a little relieved. Since you did tell me to break up with him, and then you dated him...'

Alexis Rose · Twyla:Alexis coaching Twyla on alone time while simultaneously trying to schedule a sleepover with her — giving advice she does not intend to follow

Moira · Twyla:Oh, bless you, dear, but a name tag does not go with this ensemble.

Twyla:It's just so people know who you are. Not that people won't know, when they see you in that outfit. It's very shiny.

Twyla:Twyla's black market milk story: 'I had a bad experience with black market milk... I bought it from a man who I later found out was a drifter... it might've been elk's milk.'

Twyla:You would make a terrible drug dealer, Mr. Rose.

Johnny · Twyla:Johnny casually asks to add turkey sausages to the tab at the diner, and Twyla reveals they've hit their tab limit

Twyla:Twyla tells Alexis about her Uncle Ken, who only has three fingers now because of debt — 'which is too bad, because he's deaf, and he only speaks using sign language.' Then: 'He made his choices.'

Twyla · Johnny:Yesterday it was this stabbing pain, but today it's more like a really intense throbbing. / Well, it's not urgent, not urgent. I don't need coffee with breakfast, so.

Customer · Johnny · Twyla:So what's this gonna cost me? / Well, I-I think we can uh, charge you for two uh, half combos. / There is no half combo! It's just a cup of soup, and a half a sandwich!

Johnny · Twyla:Although the things some of these customers can put you through! / Oh, I know. Joking when you're way too busy, trying to tell you how they want their food cooked.

Johnny · Twyla:Yeah, you know, I think maybe um... you should keep my share of the tips. / That's not necessary, Mr. Rose. / No, just think of it as a little reparation pay. / Well, that doesn't even begin to cover it!

Moira · Twyla:The other actress for the role: 'they haven't found her yet'

Jocelyn · Twyla:Jocelyn and Twyla perform 'Islands in the Stream' with Twyla scatting 'K-H-E-O-K!' in place of actual lyrics

Twyla:Twyla: 'Until then, it shall remain a mystery!' — theatrical pause before revealing it's a murder mystery party

Twyla:Twyla: 'I don't know, it can get pretty wild.' / '...Or when!'

Moira · Twyla:Moira orders 'BLT please, no bread' when Twyla asks if she's coming to the party

Twyla · Moira:Twyla: 'I was actually thinking bagel bites.' — after Moira implies she'd bring a touch of celebrity

Moira · Twyla:Moira learning it's a potluck: 'Oh, you most certainly did not' (tell me it was a potluck)

Twyla:Twyla: 'Well, I would ask someone else, it's just that uh, so far no one is coming.'

Twyla:Twyla: 'Well, in fairness, the party is still a few hours away.' — after Moira points out no one is coming

Twyla:Twyla's escalating defense: 'My mom will come. And she'll probably bring whoever she's dating. And he'll most likely bring some younger friend.'

Moira · Twyla:Twyla: 'I-I'm not charging anyone, this is just for fun.' Moira: 'Oh, this is worse than I assumed!'

Ivan · Twyla:Ivan arrives at the café with cinnamon buns for Johnny and muffins for Twyla — then turns to Twyla and says 'Here's the muffins. Goodbye.'

Ivan · Twyla:what does dog say before the breakfast? / Bun appetite. / Bun... Bone appetit, I think it's a dog bone joke.

Twyla · David:Twyla brings tuna melts that weren't ordered: 'I didn't order tuna melts, but I don't have time...'

Twyla · David:Twyla has told people about the 'big store opening' — David corrects: 'which is why you would be invited as a friend'

Roland · Twyla · Johnny:Jocelyn: 'I'm pregnant!' [Roland: stunned silence. Waitress Twyla appears.] Roland: 'We're having a baby. Hey, I'm gonna have the bottomless French Onion soup, and maybe you might wanna drop a little calamari on the table.' Johnny: 'John!' Roland: 'Yes! Oh, oh, pregnant?'

Roland · Jocelyn · Twyla:Roland: 'Champagne for everybody, on me!' Jocelyn: 'I can't drink, Rollie.' Roland: 'Oh right, you're driving.' Twyla: '...' Roland: 'Uh, you know what Twyla, actually, let's just do one beer, one beer for me.'

Twyla:Apparently I've been taking too much time for myself, and I need to get back out there and meet people.

Moira · Twyla:Always the closed book, our Alexis. Bless her soul. / I've always found her to be pretty open about things. / A closed book that falls open the second you take it off the shelf.

Moira · Twyla:That's enough gossip for today, Twyla. No, I'm not comfortable discussing the intimate details of Alexis' private life, with her not present. / Oh, I wasn't gossiping, it was just that you brought it up.

Alexis · Twyla:You do this every night you go out? / I do this every night.

Moira · Twyla:I see before me, a beautiful young woman in her prime, who deserves every happiness. / Mrs. Rose, that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.

Moira · Twyla:Moira's compliment lands on Twyla: 'Mrs. Rose, that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.' — but Moira was talking about Twyla the whole time without knowing Twyla thought she meant herself

Twyla · Alexis:So, I don't think I'm gonna need a ride home tonight. / Oh my God, that's so great! / Because I think I'm going home with a guy.

Twyla:He plays soccer, and he works at the quarry, and we both have the same second favourite colour.

Twyla:Your mom's trick totally worked. I ran my finger down the backs of three different guys, and one of them turned around. It's a total numbers game.

Twyla · Moira:Twyla delivers more gifts to Moira: 'I'm assuming you're not dead?' — then Moira immediately pivots to outrage about pink carnations.

Roland · Twyla:Roland mentions he has 'this friggin' mole on my back' as a health concern, then immediately orders extra-skin fried chicken on a waffle with hot sauce, butter, and gravy.

Twyla · Alexis:Miguel looks so strong holding all those puppies. / Maybe I should get into online dating? / Oh, I'm not into online dating, I'm just showing David how it works.

Twyla:♪ Fat spatula ♪

Johnny · Twyla:Can I take your plate? / Oh, yes, yes, Twyla, and please, thank the kitchen for the meatloaf. I could've sworn it was Wednesdays. / It's always been Tuesdays.

Twyla · Johnny:Is everything okay, Mr. Rose? / Why wouldn't it be, it's Christmas Eve? / And yet, here you are, eating yesterday's meatloaf.

Twyla:Oh, if you're talking about my earrings the clasp broke, so I actually physically cannot take them off.

Alexis · Twyla:I wish I had someone in this town to swap with. / Yeah, I used to think that a lot growing up, when I'd see other kids with their families.

Moira · Twyla:Twyla, may I say, you are looking very chic. / Well, I had a little help from a friend.

Twyla:I know you asked for a small, but I 'swapped it' for a large.

John · David · Twyla · David:Is she okay? / Yeah, she's just sleeping. / Well, I'm ready to order. / Okay, can somebody close her eyelids, at least? Please?

Twyla:Jocelyn's unnamed Bosnian acquaintance tells a story ending with 'you expire pleasured' — Twyla's reaction is a single 'Okay.'

Twyla · Jocelyn:Twyla mentions she sings Jocelyn's solo quietly every time Jocelyn does it; Jocelyn says 'I know, and it's not that quiet'

Moira · Ronnie · Twyla · Jocelyn:Moira explains the early rehearsal start: 'Ronnie has a massage. It was also conducive to Twyla's schedule.' Jocelyn: 'You moved the rehearsal for Ronnie's massage?'

Twyla · Jocelyn:Twyla immediately apologizes and says she'll sing louder; Jocelyn: 'Nope, you are singing too loud.'

Twyla:My mom was engaged to two pizza delivery guys. Can that count? 'Cause I am really thirsty.

Twyla:No, but I can ask George to burn something on the grill.

Twyla:Who wants some zhampagne?

Moira · Twyla:No! Who knew everything would contain chicken? / Oh, that dessert menu was especially disappointing. 'Black forest tenders.'

Twyla:Wow, Jocelyn. It must feel so light and breezy.

Jocelyn · Moira · Twyla:We all still like it, right? / I think it really brings out my eyes, right, Gals? / Sure. / It's not like we think it's a mistake, or we regret it, right? / Oh, you never regret a good time, Jocelyn. / Thank you, Moira. / You'd tell me the truth, I know. / It's really short.

Twyla:Twyla: 'Is it possible you could maybe... choose a lie that doesn't make the café look like it's in violation of health codes?'

Twyla:Not to step on the moment, but uh, I do have to lock up in five.

Alexis · Twyla:Twyla asks if Alexis knows those days where you're 'just like, super in love.' Twyla: 'Hmm, not really.'

Alexis · Twyla:Alexis tells Twyla she's 'like my little fairy godmother, if she wore an apron, and Celine Dion's perfume.'

Twyla:Twyla is doing tarot card readings to raise money for a new dishwasher. She has learned tarot from one of her mother's ex-boyfriends who was 'a magician, and a gambling addict. But he was also really good at reading tarot cards. He predicted when he was going to leave my mom like, to the day.'

Twyla:'Oh, one of my mom's ex-boyfriends was a magician, and a gambling addict. But he was also really good at reading tarot cards. He predicted when he was going to leave my mom like, to the day.'

Patrick · Twyla:Patrick dismisses the tarot reading: 'you can't actually see that in these cards.' Twyla: 'Well, I also need to interpret the cards.' Patrick: 'Okay, so maybe you could interpret something a little more positive?'

Twyla · Alexis:Twyla tries to give a positive reading: 'Oh, I also see a party. People dressed up all fancy in black.' Alexis: 'Like a black and white party?' Twyla: 'Mm, more like a funeral.'

Alexis · Twyla:Alexis goes back to the café under pretense of 'popping in to see how you're doing, girl' — immediately caught by Twyla: 'Is this about the card reading earlier?'

Twyla:Twyla warns: 'I should warn you, I think the deck may be cursed. I predicted four other drownings today.'

Twyla · Alexis:Twyla describes the Ten of Cups as showing Alexis's family with 'a big golden ring of light around them. Like you all had something to celebrate.' — then adds: 'Either that or it's a stain from a beer bottle. Because my mom's ex gave me the cards.' Alexis: 'Ew.'

Twyla · Alexis:'Either that or it's a stain from a beer bottle. Because my mom's ex gave me the cards.' / 'Ew.'

Twyla:What did you call it, a um, a cauldron of self-absorption.

Twyla:Hey Moira, you weren't lying! You do have a knack for this.

Twyla:Hey, Alexis. Another green smoothie, no greens?

Twyla · Alexis:The turtle flew to the Galapagos? No, Ted the turtle is missing, I am now talking about my boyfriend Ted, Twy. It'd be great if you could keep up.

Twyla:My mom had a turtle dove that was eaten by her ex-fiancé's snake. That was a bad sign. And it happened on Valentine's Day. And her fiancé was a Satanist.

Twyla:And if it makes you feel any better, turtles actually thrive out of captivity.

Alexis · Twyla:And if you do see Ted like waddling around in the kitchen, just feed him a carrot and shoot me a text. I hope you're joking. Me too, girl. Love you!

Twyla · Ted · Alexis:Hi, Ted. / Twyla, again, I can't thank you enough for making this happen. / Um, I can lock up if you wanna go, Twy. / Oh, someone has to serve you dinner. But don't worry, I'll stay out of your way.

Moira · Twyla:'Mrs. Rose, was that you the whole time?' / 'Indeed it was. Thanks in large part to the thaumaturgy of our special effects department. Stunning, isn't it? What a human beak can do?'

Moira · Twyla:Twyla: 'Mrs. Rose, was that you the whole time?' Moira: 'Indeed it was. Thanks in large part to the thaumaturgy of our special effects department. Stunning, isn't it? What a human beak can do?'

Twyla · Moira:Twyla: 'What if it gets nominated for an Oscar?' Moira: 'Twyla! No, we must keep the carriage in the wake of the mare. Golden Globe, perhaps, but I won't let myself envisage that.'

Twyla:Twyla, while leaving: 'Were the crows nice? My uncle had a parrot that just kept asking me to take my bra off.'

Twyla:Twyla enthusiastically asking if she can share a tent at the gateway retreat.

Twyla:Twyla reveals she already knew the class was a cult: 'Oh my gosh, did you not know that? My mom tried to take me to the gateway for spring break one year. I just thought I was supporting your career.'

Twyla:Twyla's coda: 'Now I just need to buy one of their cassette players. Because you have to make sure they're playing at the right speed when you're sleeping.'

Alexis · Twyla:Twyla offers Alexis a smoothie as solution to her existential crisis; Alexis responds: "No, I think I'll just take a smoothie."

Twyla:"I know you, Alexis, and you always make the right decision." [beat] "Eventually."

Twyla:Twyla casually dropping: 'No, but I think he dated my aunt. I don't know, I was a baby at the time, but there's a photo of him holding me at Christmas.'

Twyla:Twyla: 'And I remember that, because that was the year Santa brought me a lighter.'

Moira · Twyla:Moira at the Café Tropical: 'I'll have the Miso Black Cod, please.' / Twyla: 'We don't have that.' / Moira: 'You mean, you're sold out, is more like it!'

Moira · Twyla:Moira: 'I'll have the Miso Black Cod, please.' / Twyla: 'We don't have that.' / Moira: 'You mean, you're sold out, is more like it!'

John Rose · Twyla:John orders just the 'little farmer's breakfast' to save his appetite for the wedding tasting, framing it as virtuous restraint.

John Rose · Twyla:John's awkward pivot: 'I-I was just thinking that, you know, how can Twyla enjoy herself at the wedding if she's-if she's working?' — a transparent rationalization.

Twyla:'I'm invited to the wedding?' — Twyla's genuinely surprised, innocent reaction to learning she's invited.

Moira · Twyla:Moira explains she demanded a job 'for a hundred grand more than Clifton, and a diamond tennis bracelet' — and when asked what the bracelet was for, she says 'Dramatic effect. Symbolism.'

Twyla · Moira:Twyla: 'I feel like I've been waiting on a famous person.' Moira: 'Twyla, you're not waiting on a famous person. She's already arrived!'

Twyla · Alexis:'Can you keep a secret?' / 'Depends on how dark it's gonna get, but yes.'

Twyla · Alexis:Twyla reveals she won money in the lottery — Alexis gasps — then Twyla says '$92 million' — Alexis nearly faints.

Twyla · Alexis:Twyla gives Alexis a suitcase of cash for her dresses — Alexis realizes it's far too much for the dresses

Twyla · Alexis:'You're gonna do great things, Alexis.' / 'No, I know.'

Random patron/Alexis · Twyla:'Hey Twy, like, cute dress.' / 'Thanks. My friend gave it to me.'