Twyla Sands

Twyla:Oh, hello! Hi, I'm Twyla. I'll be your waitress today.

Twyla:But he is learning Spanish. No mas, le duele! I think it means, 'Stop, it hurts.'

Twyla:My mom has this thing where half the time she thinks I'm her cousin Angela. And it's getting harder and harder to coordinate visitation times with my dad in prison.

Twyla:Oh, that is my favourite Liam Neeson movie.

Twyla:'there's a 50/50 chance there's meat in it'

Twyla · Alexis:Twyla asks why Alexis gets dressed up for community service, Naomi Campbell reference follows

Twyla:Twyla's confused response: 'Um... I didn't understand a word you just said.'

Twyla:No, Meadow Harvest is exactly how it sounds. It just changes everyday.

Twyla:Yes, it is. Yup. At times. And then other times, not.

Twyla · Ted:There's broken glass? / No, there is not broken glass in it

Twyla:For here?

Twyla:Nothing. I mean, we talk, but... We don't really talk about anything. Like, nothing.

Twyla:Twyla's casual mention: 'Your mom did the same thing to me this morning'

Twyla:Twyla's father's backstory: 'My dad always said, When in doubt, say it with a song. He was a roadie with Fleetwood Mac and that was the last thing Mick Fleetwood said to him before the band hit him with a restraining order'

Twyla:He was a roadie with Fleetwood Mac and that was the last thing Mick Fleetwood said to him before the band hit him with a restraining order.

Twyla:Yeah, judging by your tips, I was never really sure.

Twyla:Knockoffs are getting so good these days.

Twyla:I'm gonna feel like Patty LaBelle.

Twyla:I'm gonna feel like Patty LaBelle.

Twyla:Which isn't so much a rush as much as it is just a... A handful of people showing up at a leisurely pace.

Twyla:I am just gonna put these plates down. I just think I'll think better, once the blood rushes from my arms, back to my head.

Twyla:Totally, they're just heavy plates!

Twyla · Moira:No, actually, we performed in Central Park. - C-Central Park? Really?

Twyla:People were saying that a girl was struggling with her bike. I kinda just assumed it was a toddler.

Twyla:Get the hell outta here, you dumb broad! (Chuckles) That was another thing he used to say.

Twyla:I'm sorry, did you just ask for cake? I'm not used to you ordering solid food.

Twyla:Are we ready to order, councilor?

Twyla:Not that people won't know, when they see you in that outfit. It's very shiny.

Twyla:Granted, I bought it from a man who I later found out was a drifter.

Twyla:It might've been elk's milk. Is elk's milk a thing? I don't know.

Twyla:You would make a terrible drug dealer, Mr. Rose.

Twyla:Like didn't learn anything from the first two! I mean, what is that?!

Twyla:We have a limit as to how much you can charge without actually making any effort to pay.

Twyla:My Uncle Ken only has three fingers now, which is too bad, because he's deaf, and he only speaks using sign language, but... He made his choices.

Twyla:That's kind of like my aunt. She has a ghost in her house that keeps leaving dimes everywhere.

Twyla:Stay away from the Cafe, the olives are bad.

Twyla · Johnny:Well, I went whitewater rafting, Oh no, well, that'll do it, I mean... Anyway, it's fine now. Yesterday it was this stabbing pain, but today it's more like a really intense throbbing.

Johnny · Twyla:Joking when you're way too busy, trying to tell you how they want their food cooked. I've experienced a bit of that myself.

Twyla:Well, that doesn't even begin to cover it!

Twyla · Moira:Who's the other actress? / Well, they haven't found her yet.

Twyla · Moira:God, it'd be such big shoes to fill. / No, Twyla, no. No deprecatory mocking.

Jocelyn · Twyla:♪ K-H-E-O-K! ♪

Twyla · Moira:Oh well, the party's actually Friday. I had a 50/50 chance there.

Twyla · Moira:I was actually thinking bagel bites. - Ah! Did I mention it was a potluck? Oh, you most certainly did not.

Moira · Twyla:No one's coming to your party? Well, in fairness, the party is still a few hours away.

Twyla:And some people did say that if another thing that's supposed to happen doesn't happen, then they might be able to come, so, that's good.

Twyla:Well, I shouldn't have said no one, My mom will come. And she'll probably bring whoever she's dating. And he'll most likely bring some younger friend.

Moira · Twyla:You'd be shocked at how many celebrities show up to a thing with the promise of a free Wagyu slider. I-I'm not charging anyone, this is just for fun. Oh, this is worse than I assumed!

Twyla:Pretty sure I scraped off all the freezer burn.

Twyla:these don't travel well. Even coming from the kitchen they lost a lot of shape.

Moira · Alexis · Twyla:John Cougar... No. Mellencamp. But guess who drove me home that night? Mr. Rose. Yes, you're right.

Twyla:Your mom's trick totally worked. I ran my finger down the backs of three different guys, and one of them turned around.

Twyla:And again you know, my thing with ghosts? But she didn't seem angry like the other ones.

Twyla:The most projected nominee to have never actually been nominated.

Twyla:And the usual fried chicken on a waffle, extra skin.

Twyla:Okay um, but wouldn't it make more sense to offer a discount for people not dining alone?

Twyla · Johnny:meatloaf night was yesterday. - Dear God, I...

Johnny · Twyla:I could've sworn it was Wednesdays. - It's always been Tuesdays.

Twyla:And yet, here you are, eating yesterday's meatloaf.

Twyla:Twyla's soup logistics: 'We don't actually have to-go containers for that, so I've just double-bagged it. Would you like a spoon, or a straw?'

Twyla:Oh, if you're talking about my earrings the clasp broke, so I actually physically cannot take them off.

Twyla:Yeah, I used to think that a lot growing up, when I'd see other kids with their families.

Twyla:Well, I do have a large collection of my grandfather's hospital bracelets.

Twyla:I know you asked for a small, but I 'swapped it' for a large.

Twyla:I know it by heart. I actually sing it quietly every time you do it.

Twyla:I'm not sure if it's just the punch, but... he could get it!

Twyla:Looks like they double-booked Poison with The Doodlebops.

Twyla:No, but I can ask George to burn something on the grill.

Twyla:this afternoon I made some... magic brownies!

Twyla:this afternoon I made some... magic brownies!

Twyla · Jocelyn:It's really short. ♪ Every rose has its thorn ♪

Twyla:I did have a cousin who was in 'Riverdance' until she got trampled.

Alexis · Twyla:Sorry, you know those days where you're just like, super in love? / Hmm, not really

Twyla:Someone who would literally put all their hopes and dreams aside to be with me

Twyla:He predicted when he was going to leave my mom like, to the day.

Twyla:Yeah, so I see a boat capsizing. People screaming. And a couple, like, under water. And then it sort of fades to black.

Twyla:Mm, more like a funeral.

Twyla:I think the deck may be cursed. I predicted four other drownings today.

Twyla:Either that or it's a stain from a beer bottle. Because my mom's ex gave me the cards.

Twyla · Alexis:The turtle flew to the Galapagos? No, Ted the turtle is missing, I am now talking about my boyfriend Ted, Twy. It'd be great if you could keep up.

Twyla:My mom had a turtle dove that was eaten by her ex-fiancé's snake. That was a bad sign. And it happened on Valentine's Day. And her fiancé was a Satanist.

Alexis · Twyla:Oh, and if you do see Ted like waddling around in the kitchen, just feed him a carrot and shoot me a text. I hope you're joking. Me too, girl. Love you!

Alexis · Ted · Twyla:Ted! More about your bottom half, please! / Twyla's not standing right behind you, is she? / Hi, Ted.

Twyla:My uncle had a parrot that just kept asking me to take my bra off.

Twyla:Oh my gosh, did you not know that? My mom tried to take me to the gateway for spring break one year. I just thought I was supporting your career.

Twyla:I know you, Alexis, and you always make the right decision. Eventually.

Twyla:I don't know, I was a baby at the time, but there's a photo of him holding me at Christmas. And I remember that, because that was the year Santa brought me a lighter.

Moira · Twyla:I'll have the Miso Black Cod, please. - We don't have that. - You mean, you're sold out, is more like it!

Twyla · Alexis:Oh, Alexis, garbage day is the same for the whole street. You didn't need to bring your garbage all the way here.

Twyla · Alexis:I won some money in the lottery a few years ago. Oh my god, Twy! Go you! Why did you not tell me this before?

Twyla · Alexis:I just won $92 million? You won $92 million? Oh, no. Sorry. Okay, because I literally was about to pass out. Yeah. No, no. I split the $92 million with another guy.

Twyla:And if I've learned anything from how my mom spent the money I gave her, It's that money can buy a lot of snowmobiles, But it can't buy happiness.

Twyla:Oh. That I shouldn't be afraid to spend money On things that are special to me. So... I bought the café.

Twyla:Oh. That I shouldn't be afraid to spend money On things that are special to me. So... I bought the café.

Twyla · Alexis:Twyla's café tropical. It's got a nice ring to it, right? Yeah. Or like 'Twyla's café'. Yeah, I don't think so.

David · Twyla:Hey Twy, like, cute dress. / Thanks. My friend gave it to me.