The Drip

Johnny:Is this blood?

Moira:It's just a ceiling leak.

Johnny:A ceiling leak? That's it?

Moira:I'm afraid so. Very mundane.

David:Dad, are you wearing pajamas?

Johnny:These are not pajamas. This is sleepwear.

Johnny:I'm going to go down there and give them a piece of my mind about that leak.

David:Well, you might want to change first. You look like Scrooge McDuck in that nightshirt.

Johnny:Well, maybe the comparison is apt.

David:Yes, and unlike Scrooge, you don't even have Tiny Tim to feel bad about.

Johnny:Excuse me? Hello?

Stevie:Yeah, that bell doesn't work.

Stevie:Hi, yes, I need a plumber as soon as possible. My sink is backing up and it's really gross.

Stevie:No, I don't think that's going to work for me because you sound drunk.

Johnny:Is Ray a good real estate agent?

Stevie:He's the best we have.

Johnny:That's not really an answer.

Stevie:He's the only one we have.

Johnny:I'd like to place a room service order.

Stevie:We don't have room service.

Johnny:Well, what if I wanted something brought to my room?

Stevie:You'd have to go get it yourself. Or ask one of us, but we'd probably say no.

Johnny:I'd rather drink contaminated water.

Stevie:Yeah, that tracks.

Alexis:Oh my God, look at this. He's got all these requirements on his dating profile. 'Must be ambitious, must have their life together, must be financially independent.'

Alexis:This is the same man who asked me to co-sign a lease for his apartment because his credit score was literally a cry for help.

Johnny:David, could you rub my back like you used to?

David:Like I used to? Dad, you charged me five dollars a rub.

Johnny:Well, you had very tense shoulders.

Alexis:Oh my God, did you see her tattoo? It's a whole back piece!

David:Well, yes, I did see it. And I have to say, it's not the most offensive thing about her.

Alexis:What do you mean?

David:I mean, the fact that she's dating your ex is really the bigger issue here.

Alexis:David!

David:What? I'm just saying, based on some of the Instagram photos I've seen, I'm fairly certain he's been dating several other women as well. Which, you know, either makes him a polygamist or he's been patronizing a very successful escort service. Either way, the tattoo is the least of our concerns.

David:Where are all your friends?

Alexis:They're busy.

David:Busy being accessories that you've discarded.

Alexis:He didn't dump me. He just realized that he couldn't handle dating someone who was out of his league. It was actually very mature of him.

Moira:I don't know what you all are arguing about, but I want you to know that I have always found delusion to be the most wonderful of all virtues. It has gotten me through some very dark times.

Moira:Life is like a beautiful tapestry, woven with threads of—

David:I'm going to the bathroom.

Moira:Hello, you must be Ray. I have to say, for someone in the real estate business, you have remarkably small hands.

Moira:Well, Ray, I'm so glad you asked. We'd like to put the house on the market.

Ray:Oh! Well, that's wonderful news!

Moira:Yes, well, we've decided that this town is absolutely incredible, and we'd like to share that incredible discovery with other people by selling our home and leaving immediately.

Ray:Well, the government seized your assets because you failed to pay your taxes for—

Johnny:Ray, Ray, Ray! Do you have any gum?

Johnny:Moira, we need to discuss the finances. You're the financial powerhouse around here.

Moira:Well, of course I am, darling. I've always had a head for numbers. Very left-brain of me.

Johnny:Wait, wait, wait. We need the mayor's approval? The mayor of this town?

Ray:Yes, that's what the fine print says.

Johnny:Ray, the mayor of this town tried to sell me a timeshare at a gas station. We are trapped here. We are trapped in this town, forever.

David:Stevie, these sheets smell like cigarettes.

Stevie:Yeah, well, welcome to the Rosebud.

Stevie:I just pushed the bed against the wall and put down a bucket where the bed was.

Stevie:Hey, do you want to go to a tailgate party with me?

David:A tailgate party? Stevie, I don't even own a vehicle with a tail gate.

Stevie:It's just a party at the parking lot before the game.

David:Before the game? So we're just standing in a parking lot? In the cold? With strangers?

Stevie:Yeah, basically.

David:And what if someone hits a ball and it comes through the windshield? What if there's a pile-up? What if I get separated from you and can't find my way back to civilization? Stevie, I could die in a parking lot.

David:This is worse than a Klan rally.

Stevie:Yeah, I went to one of those once. This is definitely worse.

David:I appreciate the invitation, but I'm going to have to decline.

David:A small-town party in a backyard with a keg and people I don't know? That's not a party, that's a hate crime.

Alexis:Oh my God, a party? That's literally so fetch. I mean, I would totally go, but I just got my nails done and I'm not trying to chip them before my Instagram photoshoot. Plus, everyone there would probably just want to talk about me anyway, so like, I'm basically doing them a favor by not showing up.

Alexis:He'd be like, really tan, and have great hair, and just like, not care about anything.

David:So you're describing a golden retriever.

Roland:You just need to sign here, Johnny. Put your John Hancock right there.

Johnny:It's just Johnny Rose.

Roland:Well, that's what I said — Johnny Hancock!

Roland:You know, Johnny, I'd hate to see anything happen to your business. These things are so fragile, you know? One bad word from the right person, and boom, it's gone. But hey, that's not gonna happen to you, right? Because we're friends.

Roland:Look, I scratch your back, you scratch mine. You come to dinner, I make sure the permits for your store go through without a hitch. Capisce?

Alexis:I can't come to dinner tonight because I have an audition tomorrow and I need to prepare.

Alexis:I mean, Stevie would be absolutely devastated if I just casually showed up without giving her weeks of notice. She'd probably cry for days.

Johnny:So what are your plans for tonight?

David:I don't have any plans.

Johnny:Well, why don't you go out? See some friends?

David:I don't really have friends to see.

Johnny:Well, what about a date? A movie? Anything?

David:I'm just going to stay in and organize my closet.

Johnny:Business is like a dance, Moira. You have to know when to lead, when to follow, when to pivot...

Moira:Do you have any money?

Johnny:I like to think of business as a ship, you see. You're the captain, navigating the treacherous waters of commerce. You need a strong crew, a solid hull, and you always keep one hand on the wheel.

Johnny:But then the crew mutinies, the hull springs a leak, and suddenly you're swimming with the sharks instead of sailing over them.

Johnny:Which is why I've decided to abandon ship entirely and take up hot air ballooning as a business model instead.

Moira:I'm going to go bathe. And if I happen to drown, it will have been a choice.

Johnny:So, how did the plumbing situation turn out?

Stevie:Oh, our guy's in rehab.

Johnny:What?

Stevie:Yeah, he seemed like such a nice guy too.

Alexis:David, what do you wear to a party?

David:Well, it depends on the venue and the dress code, but typically something that's—

Johnny:CLOTHES! You wear CLOTHES to a party!

Moira:Your home is absolutely charming. Is this all from a magazine?

Jocelyn:Yes! Do you like it?

Moira:Well, I can certainly tell. The way you've arranged everything... it's very... intentional. Like someone followed instructions very carefully.

Jocelyn:I made this cheese ball with Roland in mind. He just loves it. It really gets him going, if you know what I mean. Last time I served it, we didn't even make it to dessert, if you catch my drift.

David:The last show we had was a performance art piece where a woman stood completely still for six hours while someone read the phone book to her.

David:The artist's statement said it was a commentary on the commodification of human attention in late-stage capitalism.

David:Before that, we had a man who filled the entire gallery with bubble wrap and just walked around popping it. Very slowly. For three days.

David:He called it 'a visceral exploration of anxiety and the fragility of existence.'

David:My personal favorite was the artist who submitted a single blank canvas with a certificate of authenticity that simply said 'invisible to the naked eye, visible to the enlightened mind.'

David:He suspended himself from the ceiling with fishing line and covered his entire body in vegetable oil and feathers, then he just... hung there. Making these guttural sounds for forty-five minutes.

Roland:Was it good?

Jocelyn:Oh, that's very French. Very chic. Like you're not wearing any makeup at all.

Moira:I'm wearing a full face.

Stevie:Well, in a town this size, your options are basically: taken, gay, or your cousin. And honestly, the cousin thing is still on the table for some people here.

Stevie:So being single isn't really a choice, it's more of a default setting while you wait for someone acceptable to become available or move to town.

Alexis:I'm like a swan. You know, I glide effortlessly across the surface, but underneath, my legs are paddling like crazy.

Johnny:Roland, did you actually read through the entire contract before you signed it?

Roland:Read it? Johnny, I looked at it. I saw the words. I didn't understand any of them, but I saw them.

David:I have a migraine.

Moira:Oh David, that's terrible. We'll reschedule.

David:Actually, it's getting worse. I think I'm also experiencing some vertigo.

Johnny:Should we call a doctor?

David:No, no. I'm also fairly certain I've lost feeling in my left foot. And my tongue tastes purple.

David:I think I'm getting a migraine. I should probably head home.

Jocelyn:Oh no! You can lie down in the back room. We have a cot with some really nice bare rubber padding.

David:That's... that's very kind, but I think I'll just—

Alexis:I brought vodka.

Stevie:Yeah, where is it?

David:I came because Moira said there would be a lot of influential people here, and I thought it might be good for business. But now I'm realizing this is basically the setup to Deliverance, and I'm not interested in being banjos'd.

Stevie:Yeah, Alexis told me that your social life makes her feel less lonely.

Moira:How is your teaching going, Jocelyn?

Jocelyn:Oh, it's been wonderful, Moira. The children are really responding well to my methods.

Moira:That's lovely. And tell me, how are you finding the work... exhausting?

Jocelyn:Although I know those boys are undressing me every time I drop a piece of chalk.

Roland:I know that look. That's your 'bitch face.' I recognize it from when you played Dr. Clara Mandrake on 'The Crows Have Eyes III.'

Moira:It was a limited series.

Roland:Well, I was a fan.

Jocelyn:Roland is so devoted to that show. He watches it every single night, and he gets so invested in the characters.

Jocelyn:Last week, one of the characters had a baby, and Roland cried for like twenty minutes. It was actually really sweet.

Jocelyn:I got so excited about it that I did cartwheels around the living room in just a thong. Roland didn't even notice because he was so focused on the show!

Roland:Yeah, I'll sign it. But I got one condition.

Roland:I want to be slapped by a soap opera actress.

Roland:It's been a dream of mine.

Roland:Yeah, well, Jocelyn and I, we like to... we like to role-play. And sometimes we like to role-play as some of Moira's characters.

Roland:So when I ask you to slap me, I'm not asking you to slap me. I'm asking you to slap... Vivienne Darkbloom.

Moira:Oh, for fuck's sake, Roland!

Alexis:I cannot be here. The smell of... is that beer? And barbecue? And... is someone wearing cologne from a gas station? This is completely unacceptable.

David:What drink options do you have?

Stevie:We have water, and... well, that's it. That's the options.

David:Do you have a pilsner glass?

David:A snifter? Anything with a stem?

Stevie:Okay, so you just relax your throat and let it flow down.

David:I am relaxing my throat.

Stevie:No, you're not. You're doing that thing where you're tensing up. Just... open your throat more.

David:I don't know how to open my throat more, Stevie.

Stevie:It's like you're swallowing, but you're not swallowing. You're just... letting it happen.

David:That makes no sense.

Stevie:Okay, imagine you're a bird. You're a bird and the beer is just going down into your bird body.

David:Why would I imagine that?

Stevie:Just do it! Be the bird, David!

Roland:I'm not signing this until you agree to my terms.

Roland:Actually, wait. What are the terms? What are we talking about here?

Roland:You know what, never mind. I'll just sign it. Is this the line? Do I sign here?

Roland:Yeah, well, this town's been on the market for twenty years. You'd have to be crazy to buy it.

Moira:Twenty years? That's not a real estate problem, that's a cosmic phenomenon. We didn't just move to a town, we've entered a black hole of property values. I'm not upset, I'm scientifically devastated.

Johnny:We are a family! And families stick together through thick and thin! We will not be broken by circumstance or hardship! We will rise above this adversity and show this town what the Rose family is made of!

Stevie:You know, some of us are trying to sleep.

David:I was fired from the grocery store.

David:They said I was 'too judgmental' with the customers.

David:Which is ironic, because I was nothing but professional.