Our Cup Runneth Over

Johnny:We need to talk about our legal status in this country.

Moira:Oh my god, are we being deported?

Johnny:No, it's worse. The IRS is auditing us.

Moira:I'm not trying to be dramatic, but I think this might be the end of the world.

Alexis:Wait, so if David bought me the bags, then technically they're his bags, which means they're his property, which means the government can't take them because they belong to my boyfriend.

David:That's... that's not how any of this works.

Alexis:No, David, think about it. If they're your bags, then they're not my assets. Problem solved.

Moira:They've taken everything. My Birkins, my baubles, my bespoke collection of avant-garde wigs. Do you understand what this means? They haven't just seized my assets—they've kidnapped my very essence. I am now a shell of a woman, a husk, a footnote in the tragic opera of my own life.

Moira:But what about my wigs? Where will they sit during the seizure?

Lawyer:Well, there is one asset you'll be able to retain.

Moira:What is it?

Lawyer:Your children.

Moira:Oh! Oh thank God. For a moment there, I thought you were going to say something I actually cared about.

Alexis:Wait, you own the town?

Johnny:Well, not exactly. I mean, I live here, I work here...

Alexis:So you don't own it.

Johnny:No, but I've been here so long, I feel like I own it.

Alexis:That's not how ownership works, Dad.

Johnny:Well, you have to actually buy something to own it, apparently.

Alexis:You could just buy a regular humidifier.

Johnny:A regular humidifier? Alexis, a humidifier is a humidifier. It doesn't matter if it costs $40 or $4,000 — it does the same thing. But I'm not going to buy a $40 humidifier because then people will think I bought a $40 humidifier.

David Rose:Well, if this living situation doesn't work out, I suppose homelessness is always an option.

Alexis:The cows on the farms here are treated like an infestation.

Roland:I'm Roland Schitt, and I'm the mayor of this town.

Roland:So if you want something done around here, you come see me. And if you don't like it, you can suck it.

Moira:This is hell. I'm convinced this is hell. They've just hidden it behind a neon sign and a continental breakfast.

David:Alexis, we need to focus on the actual problem here.

Alexis:Oh, I'm sorry, are you the only one allowed to have opinions?

David:That's not what I said.

Alexis:You literally always do this.

David:I do not 'literally always' do anything.

Alexis:Yes, you do. You're doing it right now.

David:You know what? You're being ridiculous.

Alexis:Well, you smell.

Stevie:Well, we get a lot of people passing through. Truckers, traveling salesmen, people who need to rent a room by the hour...

Stevie:Look, the point is, you're not going to run into the kind of clientele you're used to. These are people who are one step away from living in their car, and some of them are already there.

Motel owner:Ooh, no can do, honey. Look, we have a one-room comp policy here, and I am personally throwing in an extra room out of sheer decency, so…

Roland:You know, back in my day at the motel, we had a lot of... activity. I mean, a lot of couples would check in for the weekend, and let me tell you, the walls were thin. Very thin. I heard things. Did things. Mostly heard things, but definitely did some things too. My point is, I've seen it all at that motel. And by seen, I mean heard. And by heard, I mean participated in some capacity that I probably shouldn't talk about at a dinner table.

Roland:I've had relations in every room of that motel. Some rooms multiple times a day.

Johnny:Roland, that's... that's a lot of rooms.

Roland:Well, when you factor in all the bodily fluids, it's basically a Jackson Pollock painting in there.

Roland:You know, when I was a kid, my father used to take me out on the lake. We'd be out there for hours, and he'd just... let it all hang out. I mean, really let it all hang out. One time, he got so relaxed, he fell right out of the boat.

David:Oh my God.

Alexis:That's... that's a lot.

Roland:G'day mate! I'm off to Australia to find myself. Or maybe just find a good vegemite sandwich. Either way, I'll be throwing shrimp on the barbie and wrestling crocodiles with my bare hands. Fair dinkum, as they say down under. Catch you on the flip side!

Roland:You know, we got all the channels now. Well, except for the one that's just people eating sandwiches. I've been calling about that for three years.

Stevie:Oh yeah, we have a state-of-the-art business center. It's right next to the Olympic-sized swimming pool and the spa. You can't miss it—just follow the sound of the complimentary champagne fountain.

Roland:Actually, before I go, can I use your bathroom?

Roland:I need to use the bathroom. It's urgent.

Roland:I've got to drop the kids off at the pool.

David:I need the bed. In case of emergency, I'll use Alexis as a human shield.

Alexis:What? David, that doesn't make any sense.

David:Well, she's smaller than me, so statistically speaking, I have a better chance of survival.

Alexis:So you'd just leave me here to bleed out?

David:Well, I would have to leave you here to bleed out. I mean, I'm not going to get on a flight covered in your blood. That seems like a lot of questions at security.

Alexis:He's picking me up in his plane.

David:You want to what? Move to another country? Without telling anyone? And start a new life with someone you met three weeks ago? Are you insane? This is not just irresponsible, Alexis, this is genuinely unhinged. You're talking about abandoning your entire family, your business obligations, and your reputation to gallivant off with some random person you barely know. It's selfish, it's reckless, it's absolutely idiotic, and frankly, it's the most Alexis thing you've ever done.

David:Three months? That's nothing. That's not a real relationship.

Alexis:Well, in a month it'll be four months, so...

Alexis:Oh my God, is that a dump?

David:Yes.

Alexis:It's actually kind of cute.

Roland:I think we need to get those windows fixed.

Roland:Well, would you look at that. Channel 19's working again.

Johnny:How is that possible? It was completely broken.

Roland:Sometimes these things just fix themselves. It's a miracle, really.

Johnny:Oh, for fuck's sake!

Johnny:I apologize for my outburst. We're all just coming down from drugs.

Johnny:You're a goddamn idiot, Roland.

Roland:Well, you're a goddamn idiot, Johnny.

David:This town is absolutely revolting. The people are unsophisticated, the infrastructure is crumbling, and I can't imagine spending another second here.

Alexis:I know, right? But honestly, I'm kind of into it. Like, everyone here is so nice and genuine, and there's something really charming about how simple everything is. I actually feel like I belong here.

Moira:You're abandoning us? Abandoning ME? After everything I've sacrificed, everything I've endured in this godforsaken town, you're just going to waltz out of here like some sort of... of... ingrate?

Alexis:Mom, it's just for the weekend.

Moira:The weekend? The WEEKEND?! Do you have any idea what weekends mean to me? They're the only time I have to contemplate the absolute decimation of my former life while wearing my second-best caftan.

Moira:You are a whore!

Alexis:Mom!

Twyla:Can I get anyone more coffee?

Twyla:My cousin is in prison. He says the food is really good though. He says they have a lot of time on their hands, so they really focus on the meals. He says some of the guys have gotten really creative in the kitchen.

David:Twyla, that's not... those aren't cooking skills they're developing.

Twyla:Oh, they're not? Well, he did mention something about being on a rotation...

Alexis:Well, I'm sorry that I'm not content to just sit around here complaining about my life like some people. At least I'm trying to do something with myself. And another thing — your bangs are really not doing you any favors.

Johnny:Oh, I'm not feeling well... I think I'm going to be sick.

Stevie:You're looking for a house with a big sign that says 'Roland Schitt's House' on it. You can't miss it. It's the only house on the street that has a life-size cardboard cutout of Roland in the front yard wearing a tuxedo.

Roland:When I was a kid, my old man used to remove my bedroom door as punishment. Said it would teach me about privacy and consequences.

Roland:So now, whenever I'm faced with a difficult decision, I just think: what would happen if I removed a door?

Roland:Turns out, that's not great life advice for most situations.

Roland:Well, you see, privacy is like... it's like a river, you know? And the river flows, and sometimes the water gets into your shoes, and you don't want that.

Johnny:Roland, what are you talking about?

Roland:I don't know, I wasn't listening to myself.

Moira:My earrings are missing. Someone in this town has taken them.

David:Mom, maybe you just misplaced them.

Moira:I don't misplace things, David. I'm not some sort of... regular person. It was obviously someone from the lower part of town.

Alexis:Mom, that's a really gross thing to say.

Moira:Well, I'm simply making an observation based on socioeconomic data.

Johnny:Moira, we live in the lower part of town.

Stevie:Yeah, you caught me. I'm a klepto. I've been stealing from you this whole time. What was I gonna do, sell your wigs on the black market?

David:I don't understand why this is so difficult. I simply require a modicum of basic service—is that really too much to ask? I mean, I'm not asking for the moon here. I'm asking for the most elementary, pedestrian level of customer service. It's not as though I'm requesting they perform neurosurgery or compose a symphony. I'm asking them to do the one thing their job description explicitly states they should do.

Moira:Well, I don't know what you expected. I mean, if you're going to leave your purse unattended in a room full of people, you're basically asking to be robbed. It's like leaving a bag of cocaine on a nightstand in Bogotá.

Moira:I've hidden my most valuable earrings in a place no one would ever think to look.

Johnny:Well, have you checked the drain? I once found your mother's wedding ring in the shower trap.

Moira:Johnny, that's disgusting.

Johnny:Yes, well, so is losing expensive jewelry. I suggest you get down there with a wire hanger and start fishing.

Moira:Well, at my birthday party, Johnny mentioned that Stavros had a cocaine problem in the '80s, and I said, 'Darling, so did my eyeliner.'

John · Stevie:These rooms did have doors, didn't they? / Yeah, it's a hotel. They're hotel rooms. / It's a motel! These are motel rooms.

Alexis:He bought me a timeshare in Turks and Caicos... without asking me. He also bought me a jet ski. A jet ski, David. Who buys someone a jet ski? And then he got me this gorgeous Birkin bag, but it was fake. A fake Birkin! Can you imagine?

David:That's... that's actually not that bad.

Alexis:Oh, and he also bought me a vibrator.

David:I have something embarrassing to share.

Alexis:Oh my god, what?

David:Well, the implication is that you don't know any people worth respecting.

David:I have something I need to tell you, but you cannot tell anyone I respect.

Alexis:David, that's literally everyone.

Moira:I can see our future now. We're living in a cardboard box under the overpass, and you're selling your hair to buy us a single can of beans.

Moira:Well, goodnight everyone. Sleep well, and if you don't wake up, that's fine too.

Roland:When I was a kid and I did a bad thing, my father took the doors off my room. And he said to me, 'Roland, privacy is earned.'

Roland:Nothing. I just got mad and I took your doors.

Roland · John:Well, there was no apology and I can't do this anymore! / You said you're sorry in a very sweet and humble way, and that takes a big man to do that. And that's what Johnny Rose is! A big man!

Moira:I don't suppose you saw any hobos or crackheads loitering around the hotel today?

Moira:While the rooms were exposed to the world like a Moroccan fair, someone got in here and stole my earrings.

Moira · Stevie:But it was just you here today. / It was. / It was. / I'm assuming you were the only one here on the premises today?

Stevie · Moira:I think I know where you're going with this. / No, I'm simply confirming that you alone were here when the earrings were stolen.

Stevie · Moira:Are you asking me if I stole your earrings? / No, I would never. Please! But I also would certainly never press charges. If my earrings were suddenly to be returned, if they suddenly reappeared, if you gave them back, I would not press charges. I would look the other way.

Stevie:Okay, you know what? I gotta run. 'Cause I wanna hit the pawn shop before it closes. I owe my crack dealer a ton of money, so… / You seem like you have this under control, though.

Moira · David:What just happened? / David, I politely asked that concierge girl if she had stolen my earrings, and she turned ice cold, and now she's on her way to a pawn shop!

David · Stevie:I am sorry if my mom accused you of taking something. / It's fine. / Okay, but does this mean that when you're cleaning our rooms, you're gonna put weird stuff in our beds out of spite or something? / I won't be cleaning your room.

David · Stevie:I think you're kind of rude! / Is that a question?

David:I have asked you thrice now for a towel so that I may wash this town off my body.

Stevie:Fine, but I'm only doing this because you called me rude, and I take that as a compliment.

Moira · John:The man is a lunatic! / What the hell happened here? / We've been robbed. Right now, some local is pawning my earrings for crank.

John:Moira, I took your earrings out of here and I put them in my shoe. For safekeeping.

John · Moira:Moira, I took your earrings out of here and I put them in my shoe. / For safekeeping. / No! No!

Alexis:Stavros just texted me. And he ended it. He's not coming! He said that he doesn't have time to come and get me because he already RSVP'd to Diddy's white party, and he doesn't have time to do both! But I was supposed to be his date to the white party!

Moira:Alexis, he was never my favorite Stavros. I've hated that guy ever since he asked me to do lines with him at my 60th.

David:Just out of sheer curiosity, where do you stand now on whether or not you think this motel is cute? Like, is it still cute, or is it...

Alexis:You're a dick, David!

David:Oh, I'm a dick? Okay, did I dump you for a party?

John · David · Moira:David, help me with the doors. / No, I can't. I just got out of the shower. / I need help with the doors. / David, help him with the doors! / Oh, my God! / You help him with the doors! / No! / David, could you help me with the doors? / It's air-drying!

Moira:Pick up a hammer and nail this coffin shut!

Alexis:As if I didn't see this coming. He's broken up with me five times already. Like, there was that time that he never met me in Rio, and remember that time when he gave me his ex-wife's engagement ring?

Alexis:And then, last summer, that time that he left his molly in my glove compartment, and then I got arrested?

David:Oh, my God! Can you do me a huge favor? And never repeat this to anyone that you respect, okay?

John · Moira:Kids, we just came in to say good night and to remind you that we will get through this as a family. / Warmest regards to you both.

Moira:And that will end up on our feet in no time! Of course, by then our feet will be shoeless and filthy and mangled from walking on cigarette butts and broken beer bottles.

Moira · Alexis · David:So, seriously, Alexis, enough about Stavros! / I'm sorry if I am going through something right now! / You're going through something?

John · David · Alexis · Moira:Good night, children. / Good night! / Good night. / Good night. / Let's all pray we don't wake up.