How A Bill Becomes A Law

Leslie:This is my wall of inspirational women. And this one right here... that's me.

Leslie:And this is my private bathroom. No one else in the office has one of these.

Ben:Leslie, someone's in there.

Leslie:What? No, that's impossible.

Jamm:Sorry! I'll be out in a minute!

Jeremy Jamm:I'm using Leslie's bathroom because the men's room was occupied. But I have to say, her bathroom is nicer. It's got better lighting, softer toilet paper, and these nice little soaps shaped like seashells.

Leslie Knope:Well, those are just normal bathroom amenities.

Jeremy Jamm:Exactly. Which is why women's bathrooms are superior. I mean, it only makes sense—women are better at decorating and paying attention to detail. It's just biology.

Jamm:I propose we install a shared bathroom schedule. I use it Monday, Wednesday, Friday from 6 to 7 AM for my morning routine.

Jamm:I sit on the toilet for approximately 23 minutes. I produce a substantial amount of waste. Sometimes it's diarrhea, sometimes it's more solid. On Wednesdays it's usually both.

Jamm:I then spend 12 minutes wiping. I use roughly half a roll of toilet paper per session. I have very poor aim.

Leslie:What?!

Chris:My therapist said I should be more open and honest about my feelings. So I told a guy at the gym that his workout routine was making me uncomfortable because it made me feel inadequate about my own fitness level.

Chris:He said, 'Thanks for sharing, man,' and then he moved to a different machine. My therapist said that's a win.

Jerry:We've been going to couples therapy.

Tom:Whoa, whoa, whoa. I don't need to hear about your personal stuff, man. That's what therapy is for.

Chris:So I've been thinking about implementing a 311 system here in Pawnee.

Andy:Oh man, that's a great idea!

Chris:Thank you, Andy. I'm glad you agree with me.

Chris:Thank you.

Chris:You're welcome.

Chris:I know how this sounds, but I think I need more therapy.

Leslie:That's just your opinion.

Joan:Well, that's just your opinion.

Leslie:No, an opinion is a belief or judgment that rests on grounds insufficient to produce complete certainty. That's the definition.

Joan:That's just your opinion.

Leslie:I'm going to help the swim team because I believe in their cause. Plus, with a mascot like the Dolphins, how could I resist? They really have a porpoise!

Joan:What's your greatest accomplishment?

Swim team kid:I came in fourth.

Leslie:Hey swim team! Who's ready to make some waves and build community?

Swim Team:...

Leslie:Anyone? Come on, we can do a chant! Let's go, let's go!

Swim Team:...

Leslie:What? I was just making a porpoise call. It's a legitimate animal communication technique.

Ben:Leslie, that sounded like you were choking.

Leslie:Well maybe if everyone would just listen for one second instead of judging me, you'd hear the subtle cetacean inflection!

April:Are you busy?

Ben:I was just about to play some Catan.

April:Never mind, you're busy.

April:Star Trek fan fiction is the lowest form of entertainment.

Ben:Yeah, that's... that's weird. Who would do that?

Ben:I mean, not me. Definitely not me.

Ben:I was just... I have some stuff I need to go work on.

Ben:I don't know if this road trip is a good idea. What if something goes wrong?

April:Ben, you can't live your whole life worried about what might go wrong. You have to actually do things. Take risks. Live.

Ben:I'm so pumped for this road trip! We're going to have the best tunage playing the whole way.

April:We're not going.

Ben:What? Why not?

April:Just kidding, we're going.

Ben:Oh thank God.

April:Sike, we're not going.

Ben:April!

April:I'm messing with you. We're definitely going.

Ben:You're the worst.

April:Actually, we're not.

Ben:April is nothing like my normal sister. My sister is responsible, organized, has her life together.

Ben:April once spent an entire weekend rearranging her furniture in her apartment just to avoid going to brunch with me.

Ron:Hello, you've reached the Parks Department. How can I help you today?

Ron:Well, I'm sorry to hear that. Unfortunately, the government is a self-serving bureaucratic machine designed to waste your time and money, so there's really nothing we can do about it.

Ron:Have a day.

Ron:Donna, the 311 system is down. What do I do?

Donna:Call 311.

Ron:I have everything a man needs in this office. A desk, a chair, a phone, some pencils, a notepad, a stapler, a tape dispenser, a trash can, a filing cabinet, a lamp, a calendar, a clock, some thumbtacks, a rubber band, a paper clip holder, a pen, a highlighter, some Post-it notes, a scissors, a ruler, a hole punch, a letter opener, some envelopes, a stamp, some paper, a binder, a folder, some index cards, a calculator, a three-hole punch, a label maker, a desk organizer, a desk pad, a desk calendar, a desk lamp, a desk fan, a desk plant, a desk photo frame, a desk drawer organizer, a rolling chair, a desk hutch, a lateral filing cabinet, a vertical filing cabinet, a credenza, a bookshelf, a coat rack, a door, a doorknob, a door hinge, a door frame, a wall, some drywall, some insulation, some plywood, some two-by-fours, a circular saw, a pneumatic nail gun, a reciprocating saw, a belt sander, a power drill, some concrete mix, some rebar, and a cement mixer.

Andy:Ron, I think you got a little off track there.

Ron:Now it's connected to emergency services

Donna:It is so hot out there, it's like the devil's armpit had a baby with the sun's butt.

April:Oh wow, a GPS route. How thrilling. I'm sure it's going to change my life in ways I never thought possible. Maybe it'll also make me a sandwich and teach me the meaning of existence.

Ben:Why is traffic so bad today?

April:Well, cars are large metal boxes that move on wheels, and they need space between them to avoid colliding. When there are many cars on the road at once, each one takes up space, and they all have to move slower because of the increased density of vehicles. Also, some people don't know how to drive.

Jeremy Jamm:I moved to Pawnee specifically to target industries that would ruin teeth.

Jamm:I have a degree in dentistry.

Jamm:Well, I have a degree in dentistry from a very reputable online university.

Tom:Check out my new personalized cigar cutter.

Jamm:Oh, that's nice. Wait, is that... is that my name on there?

Tom:Yeah, I had it engraved.

Jamm:So this is for me?

Tom:No, it's for me. I just got your name engraved on it so you'd know how it feels when I use it.

Leslie:I'm getting a perm because when the cat's away, the mice will play. And I am that mouse.

Leslie:Wait, that's not how that saying goes.

Leslie:I'm postponing my perm. For politics.

Child:We don't have enough votes.

Leslie:Well, maybe if you spent less time playing video games and more time knocking on doors, we'd have enough votes!

Leslie:Dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit!

Leslie:How do I look?

Tom:You look... like you're in the middle of a process.

Andy:Hark! The younglings doth demand I seek the counsel of the authorities before I may repair yon crater in the thoroughfare!

Andy:Verily, I shall not lay hammer to stone without the blessing of the crown!

April:Why do you have so many movie soundtracks?

Ben:Because music is the language of the soul, April. A great soundtrack doesn't just accompany a film—it elevates it. It transforms ordinary moments into something transcendent. John Williams didn't just compose for Star Wars; he composed the very essence of adventure itself.

April:You're insane.

Ben:Passionate. There's a difference.

April:What's on that mix?

Ben:Oh, just some songs I like.

April:What's it called?

Ben:Uh... 'Ben's Sensitive Playlist.'

April:Oh my God.

Ben:Before you say anything, I want you to know that I specifically requested this song.

Milton:I'm not going to rush my lunch. I've been eating my lunch at exactly 12:47 p.m. for the past fourteen years. It takes me nine minutes to walk to the break room, seven minutes to arrange my food in a specific pattern on my plate, and then I eat for exactly twenty-three minutes while reading the same newspaper clipping about a local zoning dispute from 2003. If I deviate from this schedule by even one minute, it throws off my entire day and I have to start the whole fourteen-year cycle over again.

Andy · Children · Ron:Hi, I'm Andy. I really like your dress. / I'm a princess. / I'm a mermaid. / I'm the director of Parks and Recreation. I'm here to fix that hole.

Tom:Yeah, so I made this salad with all these different ingredients from different cultures, right? I called it the 'United Nations Salad' to celebrate diversity.

Milton:That's racist.

Tom:What? No, it's the opposite of racist. It's celebrating different cultures coming together.

Milton:You're putting them all in a bowl together against their will. That's literally a melting pot, which is a racial concept.

Ron:That's just Andy wrestling with some kids he found.

Milton:I have so many grandchildren, I've had to name three of them Brad. And two of them Jennifer. I can't keep track of which Brad is which.

Leslie:That's... that's a lot of Brads.

Random guess about Tom's ethnicity

Ben:His skin was like polished porcelain, cool to the touch yet radiating an inner warmth that defied his artificial nature. Data's golden eyes held the wisdom of a thousand starships, and when he spoke, it was as though the very fabric of the universe paused to listen to his melodious voice.

April:I've read your fan fiction. It was very bad. I'm going to remember this.

Diane:Ron, would you be amenable to accompanying me to Food and Stuff this evening for provisions?

Ron:Diane, that's just asking if I want to go to the grocery store.

Diane:I prefer to maintain a certain eloquence in my discourse.

Andy:♪ R-O-N and D-I-A-N-E, sittin' in a tree... ♪

Andy:Wait, how do you spell Diane? Is it D-I-A-N-E or D-I-A-N-A? No wait, that's a different name...

Andy:Okay, ♪ R-O-N and D... some letters... E! ♪

Jeremy Jamm:I have IBS, okay? Irritable Bowel Syndrome. It's a medical condition. I can't just hold it like you people.

Leslie:No, Jeremy. You need to learn to contain your bathroom issues like the rest of us.

Jeremy Jamm:But I have a very sensitive digestive system.

Leslie:Then I suggest you see a doctor, not a city council woman.

Andy:Ron, come on, we need costumes for the party.

Ron:Absolutely not. I don't do costumes.

Andy:But Ron, everyone's going to be dressed up!

Ron:I will be dressed up. In clothes. My clothes.

Andy:Well, what if we both went as something cool? Like, what if we both became princesses?

Ron:No.

Milton:You remind me of a young George Wallace.

Leslie:I'm not sure how to take that.

Milton:Oh, it's a compliment. He was very determined.

Milton:Leslie was very aggressive with me.

Milton:She had this insatiable hunger for... for expansion, for growth, for meetings.

Milton:I've never seen anything like it. It was like watching a beautiful, terrifying force of nature.

Jeremy Jamm:Tom, I'm concerned about your dental hygiene. You should really use this toothbrush.

Tom Haverford:Jamm, I appreciate the gesture, but my teeth are fine.

Jeremy Jamm:Tom, your teeth look like a row of tombstones at a neglected cemetery. I'm not trying to be mean, but if I had teeth like yours, I'd keep my mouth shut forever.

Leslie:I will not compromise with Jamm on this. And I will not compromise with Big Dental either. Those corporate tooth tyrants have had it too good for too long.

Diane:You look like a princess had a stroke.

April:Finally getting traffic moving

April:Immediately hitting another obstacle

Jeremy Jamm:I finally got the bathroom I wanted. It took some work, but I made it happen.

Leslie Knope:That's great, Jeremy. How did you manage that?

Jeremy Jamm:Well, let's just say I had to grease some wheels, if you know what I mean.

Leslie Knope:...What do you mean?

Jeremy Jamm:I mean I literally gave money to the contractor. To grease the wheels of bureaucracy. With actual money. I paid him.

Donna:I've given birth in positions that would make a yogi uncomfortable. I did it in a squat, I did it on all fours, I did it while doing the splits. My doctor said, 'Donna, I've never seen anything like this.' I said, 'Well, get used to it, because I'm about to do it again.'

Ron:I don't know what you're talking about. I have no feelings for Diane. I barely know her. And even if I did, which I don't, it wouldn't matter because I'm not capable of human emotion.

April:So about this weekend, I was thinking we could finally go to that bed and breakfast upstate.

Ben:Really? That sounds amazing.

April:Yeah, or we could go skydiving. Or visit my parents. Or literally anything else I haven't told you about yet.

Ben:April, what's going on?

April:Oh, I'm just getting you back for all those times you changed our plans last minute without telling me. Remember? The camping trip? The concert? Your budget committee meetings that suddenly became more important than literally everything?

Ben:That was... okay, fair point.

Chris:Oh thank God. For a second there I thought you meant something completely different.

Ron:What? No. I literally fixed the pothole on Maple Street.

Diane:Ron, I think you're a good man. I'd like to take you to dinner.

Ron:I... yes. I would like that very much.

Ron:You have... very straight teeth.

Ron:For a woman.

Jamm:Leslie, I have to admit, your compromise is actually quite—

Jamm:AHHHHHHH!

Leslie:No, no, no, no, no! My hair! Do you know how long it took me to get my hair like this? I followed a YouTube tutorial for forty-five minutes!

Tom:Welcome to Tom's Cigar Club. As you can see, I have a chair here that's named after me.

Tom:It's called the Tom Haverford Relaxation Station.

Ron:I have no strong feelings one way or the other.

Ron · Diane:I came here to fix a pothole, not be mocked. / I'm sorry, it's just... your face is ridiculous.

Ron · Diane:I came here to fix a pothole, not be mocked. I'm sorry, it's just... your face is ridiculous.

Ben · April:The presidential motorcade finally moves — then Ben and April run out of gas immediately.

Leslie · Councilwoman Beavers:Councilman, I move that the bill be read in its entirety. / Ms. Beavers? / Fine.

Leslie · Jamm:You can have my office. / Okay, why don't you sweeten the pot? / You can have my parking space. / And? / And I will get Invisaligns from you. / And? / And, that is enough. And shut up. And I hate you.

Jamm · Leslie:Can't wait to drop my kids at the pool. / By 'kids,' I mean turds. / I get it.

Donna · Andy:Then Ana asks Grey to punish her. Donna, please, can you keep it down? / Or at least research how to deliver a baby that's coming out face up. / Lay the mother on her side and try to move the baby in a corkscrew fashion.

Ron · Andy:'A,' I don't recall inviting you in here, and 'B,' I did not like her. Her life is messy. / Ron, messy is fun, okay? My whole life is a giant mess and I love it. I mean, look at my hair. I have gum in my hair.

Andy · Ron:Diane is awesome and she likes you. And you like her. I can tell. 'A,' I don't recall inviting you in here, and 'B,' I did not like her. She's not my type. Her life is messy. Ron, messy is fun, okay? My whole life is a giant mess and I love it. I mean, look at my hair. I have gum in my hair.

April · Ben:That was a great road trip. / We made it 40 feet. / Yeah, well, at least it took a million hours, and it was 180 degrees, and we starved to death. / So fun.

Ben:Yeah, you know what? All right, I'm in. You know, we might be able to sneak out early. You get snacks. I'll bring music. We'll jam out to some sweet tunage.

April · Ben:Hey, how about next weekend we fly to Pawnee? Tickets are on me. / Really? That would be awesome. Definitely. / Nah, never mind. I don't feel like it. / What? My God. / See how it feels?

Chris · Ron:Excellent work, everyone! Particularly you, Ron. You have one very satisfied citizen. What did you do for her? I fixed her pothole. Is that a euphemism? No. Then great work.

Chris · Ben · Ron:Excellent work, everyone! Particularly you, Ron. You have one very satisfied citizen. / What did you do for her? / I fixed her pothole. / Is that a euphemism? / No. / Then great work.

Chris:I'm still not sure why the citizen decided to come speak with me in person, but I'm just happy to see a government program finally work.

Ron · Diane:If you're here to complain about the pothole, I guarantee I did it correctly. Actually, I'm here to ask you out for dinner. Really?

Ron:Well, it'll be casual. No need to wear makeup.

Jamm · Leslie:Boy, you know, I can't believe you traded your office to keep this craphole pool open for a couple more weeks a year. / Hey, can you not say that in front of the kids, please?

Jamm · Leslie:Great. Hey, uh, kids? Would you like to learn how Leslie got your bill passed? / Councilwoman Knope traded my vote for her... / What the hell, man? Why'd you do that? / Because it's fun in the sun!

Jamm · Leslie:This is a teaching moment? Great. Hey, uh, kids? Would you like to learn how Leslie got your bill passed? Councilwoman Knope traded my vote for her... [interrupted]

Jamm · Leslie:What the hell, man? Why'd you do that? Because it's fun in the sun!

Leslie · Kids · Tom:Everybody in the pool! / Yay, pool! / Yay, democracy! / No, my perm.

Tom:It is also Pawnee's newest and most exclusive cigar club, Tom's Smokehouse.

Jamm:Whoa! 'Smoke Dog.'

Tom · Jamm:Man, Jamm's gotta be pretty mad at us. / I ain't scared of him. He's a punk.

Ron:I do not like this. (Ron's talking head, presumably about Diane or the whole situation with his feelings)