Sex Education

How dare you, sir? I was tweeting.

9:17. Drive faster, blue Civic. Daaaaaamn. #soccermoms

Gotta pass this lady on the 'ejkerkj'. That's when I hit the fire hydrant.

Sorry, allegedly hit the fire hydrant.

#unbreakable. #what'sMr. Glassuptothesedays? whynosequel?

No! Please, send me to jail!

Pr-press send, bailiff! Press send!

A cowboy hat from your cowboyfriend. That makes it sound like he's a cow.

From your cowboy boyfriend. Your boycow-cowboy. Just call him 'Ricky.'

Great news: Lots of old people have chlamydia. Whoo!

It's amazing what a few old guys can do with a little bit of charm and a lot of crabs.

They're hopped up on E.D. medication and they got nothing to lose, 'cause they're close to death.

Actually, I think it's pronounced 'horny.'

I'll start. I'm an old lady, why do I need birth control? I haven't had my monthly since LBJ was president.

Do pubic hairs get longer the older you get? Because that's happening to me.

Where can I get lube that is healthy to eat?

I ran over my testicles with my jazzy scooter.

I want to jump on that caboose. Choo choo!

I'm sorry, sir, but you have to be under 40 to ride this train.

'LeRon James.' We still on for breakfast?

I just drove around in circles until I saw something familiar.

I built a real-life Pinterest board.

I really wish you could click those.

His name is congressman David Murray, he is our boss and he is white. Don't embarrass me.

And I am April Blart, mall cop.

That's right, you could practically cook an egg on the sidewalk.

Hey, we're still gonna assassinate him, right?

What the hell is he doing?

My. I have two partners, often at the same time.

Heart attack. Falling in love. Partner dies on top of you!

I don't know, I thought we were just talking about it.

Well, that's all fine and good, but what if the banana is soft and mushy, and doglegs sharply to the left?

God, Jerry! You don't deserve the Internet!

I made an iPhone out of paper. It's not the same, though.

and her husband, Marshall, is... vivacious.

we have babies in thong underwear. Is that what you want?

Yes, that's what I want.

Andy, pack up our bananas!

I need to get on webMD now! I need a iPhone or a Samsung Galaxy, something with 4G.

It's not my favorite shirt, but it is my least favorite shirt.

And 100% of Pawneeans are 'perd-verts.' That's the name I call fans of this show based on the fact that my name is Perd.

Put away your sex toys and play with them on your own time.

This morning he got in, sat down in there, and has been staring straight ahead, doing nothing.

He's not a robot. He's just thinking. He's got a lot on his mind. Yeah, like, 'One, one, zero, one. Must eat babies for fuel.'

No, sir. All systems are operational.

Wikipedia: Mankind's greatest invention/ you can learn about anything.

It's actually a guy named Brad that's a teacher in Pittsburgh. We don't have a lot in common, but we chat quite a bit.

There's even a little Indian guy, but he has a turban on, which I think is racist, but the Asian guy also has a racist hat on, and it's like, 'Hold up, didn't Japanese people invent this?'

Jean-Ralphio and I have one called 'Nacho average podcast,' where we rate different kinds of nachos.

I had no idea how much you had in your system.

I've downloaded every episode of Intervention. I know what to do here.

Well, maybe not where you come from in 'Tramp-sylvania.'

I'm from Michigan! That wasn't worth saying.

You're dressed like an abstinence girl on the outside! God, I'm off my comeback game right now.

You're dressed like Annie Oakley and Pippi Longstocking had a baby and I love it.

A deer jumped in front of the car, and then a bear jumped in front of the deer!

'Tommy-edamame' is back on the grid. Tell everyone to light me up with their dijjies, gotta load 'em into my burner.

♪ I'm Marshall Langman and I'm here to say ♪ ♪ that sex before marriage is never the way ♪

I am not going to be told not to have sex by someone who's ten years my junior.

The devil likes to hide in all your private nooks and crannies, and if you open too wide, he might get out, or in.

Screw it. Okay, here. This is a penis, right? You put a condom on it...

As your city manager, I recommend that you formally apologize and that, in the future, you stick to the letter of the law, but between you and me, as your best friend... I kind of admire what you did up there.

He turns it on when he has to, and when he doesn't, he just sits there. There's no surprises, it's perfect.

The truth is I spend a lot of time looking at screens because recently, a lot of the stuff in my real life isn't going that great. So I'd rather play Doodle Jump then think about that.

I bought a lasso online, Leslie. I turned all my jeans into Daisy Dukes.

Well, that's good, but I'll tell you, he'll never lasso another heifer as fine as you, Annie Oakley.

Tell that to the folks at Pier 1, an establishment I'm no longer allowed inside.

I am giving you a non-electronic book made of paper from a tree.

No! They got you!

Let's go eat some batteries... I mean, human food.