An STD outbreak amongst Pawnee seniors prompts Leslie to conduct a sex education class. Meanwhile, Ron helps Tom adjust to life without technology after his gadgets are taken away, and Ben and April meet Congressman Murray for the first time.
Sex education topic generates 70 jokes in 36 minutes, but 76 score suggests uneven landing.
Directed by Craig Zisk · Written by Alan Yang
WAR
123.3
Wins Above Replacement
“Sex Education” ranks #49 of 123 Parks and Recreation episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 92.9 — Elite. The episode packs 89 scored jokes at 3.3 per minute, averaging 7.5 on craft and 7.3 on impact, with Tom Haverford landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
Tom Haverford: The gibberish at the end of the tweet marks the exact moment of impact
Ron Swanson: Ron: 'And while you're there, neither doodle nor jump.'
Ron Swanson Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Congressman Murray · April Ludgate · Ben Wyatt: The congressman runs into Ben and April and says 'Terrific! Hey, I'm hungry. Let's go eat some batteries... I mean, human food.' April also plays along: 'Hey, batteries... I mean, human food sounds good to me.'
Judge: Were you texting while driving?
Tom Haverford: Texting? No, your honor, I was tweeting. There's a difference.
Leslie: Fine! I'm taking my bananas and going home!
Ben Wyatt Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy All Jokes — 89 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Judge: Were you texting while driving?
Tom Haverford: Texting? No, your honor, I was tweeting. There's a difference.
Judge: What is this hashtag '#YoloSwag420'?
Tom Haverford: Your Honor, that tweet was sent while I was driving to the courthouse. I was multitasking.
Judge: You were tweeting while operating a vehicle?
Tom Haverford: With all due respect, sir, the hashtag game waits for no man. And neither does traffic on I-96.
Tom Haverford: The gibberish at the end of the tweet marks the exact moment of impact
Tom Haverford: Okay, but to be clear, I did not hit that fire hydrant. That fire hydrant was already broken when I got there.
Tom Haverford: In fact, I would argue that I actually helped it by giving it a little tap with my car.
Tom Haverford: #SurvivalInstinct #LuckyToBeAlive #BlessedAndGrateful #JustLikeInTheGreatOutdoorsPartII #ExceptWithoutDanAykroyd #AndWithMorePersonalInjuries
Judge: You are sentenced to one week without any screens or digital devices.
Tom Haverford: Your Honor, with all due respect, I would literally prefer actual incarceration.
Tom Haverford: No, no, no! Just let me finish this tweet! I'm in the middle of a thread! One more second!
Tom Haverford: You don't understand—this is important! My followers need to know about my lunch!
Tom Haverford: Stop pulling me! I haven't even added the hashtags yet!
Ann Perkins: That makes him sound bovine.
Leslie Knope: Okay, so 'treat yo self' is good, but what if we did 'treat yourself'? No, that's just the full thing. What about 'treat yoself'? Still not working. Okay, 'treayoself'? 'Treatyoself'? 'Tre-yo-self'? I'm just saying random things now.
Leslie Knope: I have great news.
Leslie Knope: We have an STD epidemic among seniors in Pawnee.
Leslie Knope: I have crabs.
Ben Wyatt: What?
Leslie Knope: Calm down. I bought them at the seafood market. They're in my office.
Leslie Knope: When you're that close to death, you stop caring about the rules. You're like, 'What are they gonna do, kill me? I'm already dying!'
Leslie Knope: Seniors can be ornery.
Andy Dwyer: Horny? I mean, I guess that's... that's great for them.
April Ludgate: When did menopause start? Was it during the Bronze Age or the Iron Age?
April Ludgate: I haven't felt this good since my last colonoscopy. The doctor said I had the colon of a 25-year-old. I'm not sure what that means, but I've been riding that high ever since.
Ann Perkins: Ann's triple response: 'You should never eat lube, you need to see a doctor immediately, and I'm sorry, sir, but you have to be under 40 to ride this train.'
Ann Perkins Setup/Punchline Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Callback Andy Dwyer: I'm 87 years old. My back goes out more than I do.
Jerry Gergich: Why did the conductor keep looking back at the passenger car? Because he wanted to see if anyone was getting on... or off. Choo choo!
Jerry Gergich: I was at the station and saw a train... if you know what I mean.
Ann Perkins: Oh, you mean an actual train? Because the station does have excellent service during rush hour. They've really improved the scheduling.
Tom Haverford: Yo, LeRon James! What's good?
Jerry Gergich: It's Jerry.
Tom Haverford: I know what I said.
Tom Haverford: I didn't use GPS. I just followed a guy who looked like he knew where he was going. Turned out he was lost too. We ended up at a Arby's in a strip mall. It took us forty-five minutes to go three miles.
Tom Haverford: I'm adapting to life without screens. I've created a physical recreation of my favorite digital platform.
Tom Haverford: I call it 'Pawnee-Face.' It's just me standing in the town square with a sign that says what I'm thinking, and people walk by and ignore me.
Tom Haverford: I want to pin this to my board, but also have it sync to the cloud.
Ben Wyatt: April, that's not Obama.
April Ludgate: What?
Ben Wyatt: That congressman is white.
April Ludgate: Oh. Well, that's embarrassing.
April Ludgate: Hi, I'm Paul Blart.
Congressman: It's pretty hot out there.
Ben Wyatt: It really is. It's very hot. The heat is... it's a lot. Extremely hot. I would say it's one of the hottest days I can remember. Very, very hot.
April Ludgate: So what's the strategy for the meeting?
Ben Wyatt: We're going to present the budget proposal and address their concerns about the timeline.
April Ludgate: Have you considered just assassinating them?
Ben Wyatt: No, April, we've talked about this.
April Ludgate: It would solve a lot of problems.
April Ludgate: He's just sitting there. Staring at nothing.
Leslie Knope: So, um, how often would you say you're sexually active?
Elderly Woman: Oh, I'd say three or four times a week. My husband and I, we'll have a threesome.
Leslie Knope: What are some of the risks of unprotected sex?
Senior #1: Well, there's STDs.
Senior #2: Pregnancy.
Senior #3: Emotional trauma.
Senior #4: Your parents finding out.
Senior #5: A baby that resents you.
Senior #1: A lifetime of regret and loneliness.
Senior #2: Death.
April Ludgate: I assumed they would just teach it in theory.
Elderly Man: Yeah, well, mine's more like a plantain at this point. Little darker, a little softer, and it smells like it's been sitting in a bowl for three weeks.
Tom Haverford: Jerry, your internet usage is a crime against humanity. You're streaming cat videos in 480p? That's not just bad, that's a personal attack on everyone with functioning eyeballs.
Jerry Gergich: Tom, it's just the internet—
Tom Haverford: Just the internet? JUST THE INTERNET? Jerry, you're literally the only person in this office who doesn't deserve high-speed connectivity. You should have to use dial-up. In 2015. As punishment.
Tom Haverford: I'm doing a physical recreation of my phone. Look, I'm swiping. Nothing's happening. That's the joke.
Leslie Knope: Marshall is very... expressive. He's a free spirit. He marches to the beat of his own drum. He's not afraid to be himself, you know? He's colorful. He's vibrant. He's—
Leslie Knope: Look, Marshall is flamboyant, okay? The guy wears a ascot and drives a Prius with vanity plates.
Marcia Langman: If we teach kids about sex education, it's a slippery slope. Next thing you know, we'll have babies wearing thongs.
Marcia: Who puts a baby in a thong?
Leslie Knope: A baby who doesn't want tan lines.
Leslie: Fine! I'm taking my bananas and going home!
Ben Wyatt Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy Tom: I have a splinter. A splinter! Do you know what the mortality rate is for splinters?
Tom: I need to look it up. Now. Where's my phone?
Tom: I can't remove it without knowing the exact removal procedure. What if I do it wrong? What if it gets infected?
Tom: I need WebMD. I need it right now.
April Ludgate: Ann's shirt is both a cowboy shirt and not a cowboy shirt at the same time. It's a Schrödinger's shirt. Until you observe it, it exists in a superposition of Western and non-Western states.
Perd Hapley Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Perd Hapley: Studies show that 60% of the time, abstinence works every time. I'm Perd Hapley.
Chris Traeger: Ann, I need you to stop the sex education class immediately.
Ann Perkins: Why? What's wrong with it?
Chris Traeger: Well, I just got a complaint from a parent saying their child came home talking about 'playing with toys.' I will not have that kind of language in our schools.
Ann Perkins: Chris, they're educational toys. It's about demonstrating safe practices.
Chris Traeger: I don't care if they're made of solid gold. No playing with toys. Not on my watch.
Ben Wyatt: What is the congressman doing?
April Ludgate: Literally doing absolutely nothing all day.
April Ludgate: You know he's not a robot, right?
Ben Wyatt: Of course he's not a robot.
April Ludgate: His brain is just a computer going '01010101 consume babies consume babies consume babies.'
Congressman: Is there anything else?
Ben Wyatt: Beep boop beep boop.
Tom Haverford: I'm doing a technology detox. No phones, no computers, no tablets. I'm going back to basics.
Tom Haverford: But I will say, Wikipedia is incredible. It's like having the entire world's knowledge at your fingertips. Every single article is perfect. There are no errors. It's basically the Bible, except it's real and it's better written.
Tom Haverford: I chat with Brad Pitt all the time.
Tom Haverford: It's not the actor, just a random teacher I talk to regularly.
Tom Haverford: Okay, so emoji are just little pictures, right? But here's the thing - they're racist. Look at this one. This is clearly a Asian businessman emoji. But this one? This is just a regular businessman emoji. So what you're telling me is that one ethnicity of businessman gets special treatment? That's discrimination. And another thing - why is there a taco emoji but no pizza emoji? Oh wait, there is a pizza emoji. Why is there a taco emoji AND a pizza emoji? Because apparently we need to acknowledge every food group, but we can't just have one generic businessman? This is political correctness gone mad.
Tom Haverford: You know what? I'm starting a podcast. It's called 'Treat Yo' Shelf: A Podcast About Organizing Your Spice Rack Alphabetically.' First episode: 'Paprika: Am I Doing This Right?'
Ron Swanson: He's overwhelmed by the volume of Tom's digital life.
Ron Swanson: I know how to handle Tom's addiction. I learned addiction treatment from downloading TV shows.
Ann: Stopping all sex isn't going to happen.
Marcia Langman: Well, not with that attitude. You're going to give yourself away at the Bone Zone.
Ann Perkins: It's Transylvania, not Tramp-sylvania.
Ann Perkins: And Marshall, I don't need your encouragement right now.
Leslie: Well, you're... you're the one who's changing personalities!
Leslie: I know that doesn't even make sense.
Leslie Knope: Ann, you can't change who you are for a guy. But if you want to wear that incredible pearl-snap Western shirt with the fringe, and those boots that make your calves look like a young Raquel Welch, then do that for you. Because you look like a sexy ranch owner who also does philanthropy.
Ann Perkins: Thank you.
Tom Haverford: I was driving, and a squirrel ran in front of the car, so I swerved to avoid it. Then a raccoon came out of nowhere, so I swerved the other way. Then a deer jumped out, so I swerved again. Then a bear started chasing the car, so I just drove into a tree to be safe.
Tom: Yo, yo, yo! It's T-Dawg in the house with my new smartphone. I'm basically a tech genius now.
Ron: Tom, that's absurd.
Tom: Ron, you wouldn't understand. I'm about to go viral. That's what the kids call it, right? I'm going to be so viral.
Ron: Please stop talking.
Tom: My new name is Tom Haverfard, but you can call me T-Dawg Swag Master 3000. That's my handle.
Marshall Langman: Yo, yo, yo. My name is Marshall and I'm here to say, I practice abstinence in a major way. I don't have sex, it's not for me, I'd rather watch TV and drink my tea. Abstinence is the way, don't delay, wrap it up or look the other way!
Leslie Knope: You should wait until marriage to have sex.
Elderly Woman: I'm 87 years old. If I wait until marriage, I'll be dead.
Leslie Knope: Okay, so according to this abstinence pamphlet, if you have premarital sex, the devil will inhabit your body parts. Your mouth becomes the devil's puppet. Your hands become the devil's tools. And your genitals become the devil's... playground.
Perd Hapley Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Leslie Knope: Okay, fine. You want abstinence education? Here it is: Don't have sex. Because you will get pregnant and die.
Leslie Knope: Well, not die. But you might get diabetes.
Leslie Knope: Anyway, here's some contraception pamphlets, a list of local clinics, and my personal phone number if you have questions about safe sex practices.
Chris Traeger: As your supervisor, I have to advise you to follow proper protocol and document everything in triplicate.
Chris Traeger: But between you and me, that's bureaucratic nonsense. Just do what you think is right.
April: Why does he move like a robot?
Ben: That's ideal political behavior. You want to seem human enough that people don't realize you're a lizard person, but robotic enough that they don't expect you to have feelings or opinions.
Ron Swanson: Why do you need constant digital distraction?
Tom Haverford: Because reality is disappointing and my phone is amazing.
Ann Perkins: I lost myself in that relationship. I was doing things I never thought I'd do.
Ann Perkins: I bought a horse. A HORSE. I wore a bolo tie. I went to a gun show... voluntarily.
Ann Perkins: I said 'y'all' unironically. Multiple times. In one sentence.
Leslie Knope: Ann, you are such a beautiful heifer.
Perd Hapley: You break it, you buy it doesn't apply to censure. I learned that the hard way at Pier 1.
Ron Swanson: It's a book. Paper. Bound together. Words printed on the pages. You read them. With your eyes. One page at a time. No battery required. No notifications. No algorithm deciding what you read next. You decide. You control the pace. It's just you and the author having a conversation across time.
Tom Haverford: Does it come in a smaller size? Like for my phone?
Ron Swanson: It IS the smaller size.
Ben: My fellow Americans, I come before you today to discuss the critical issues facing our great nation.
April: Oh my God. He's been turned into a robot.
Ben Wyatt: We should go eat. I have been programmed to enjoy consuming nutrients— I mean, I really enjoy eating.
Chris Traeger · Leslie Knope: Chris: '...but between you and me, as your best friend... (dramatic pause) I kind of admire what you did up there.'
Congressman Murray: Congressman Murray's stump speech: 'We've gone through some difficult times, but we're from Ohio. We're tough...' followed by 'Cool beans. See you guys later.'
Ben Wyatt: Ben talking head: 'God, I love him. He's the best.' — delivered with complete sincerity about a man who just said 'cool beans.'
Ben Wyatt Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Tom Haverford · Ron Swanson: Tom's confession: 'The truth is I spend a lot of time looking at screens because recently, a lot of the stuff in my real life isn't going that great. So I'd rather play Doodle Jump than think about that.'
Ron Swanson: Ron: 'And while you're there, neither doodle nor jump.'
Ron Swanson Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Leslie Knope · Ann Perkins: Ann: 'I broke it off with Ricky.' Leslie: 'Well, that's good, but I'll tell you, he'll never lasso another heifer as fine as you, Annie Oakley.'
Ann Perkins: Ann: 'I turned all my jeans into Daisy Dukes.'
Perd Hapley · Leslie Knope: Perd: 'Leslie, what exactly does censure mean?' Leslie: 'It means I have been formally disciplined for breaking the law.' Perd: 'Well, you know what they say, you break it, you buy it.' Leslie: 'That doesn't really apply here.' Perd: 'Tell that to the folks at Pier 1, an establishment I'm no longer allowed inside.'
Leslie Knope · Perd Hapley: Leslie pins the censure document to her blazer like a badge of honor. Perd: 'Wow, strong words from a woman who is trying to pin a piece of paper to her blazer.'
Perd Hapley: Perd announces his new segment: 'Are you there, perd-verts? It's me, Perd, hosting a new segment.'
Perd Hapley Character Comedy Meta/Self-Referential Callback Ron Swanson · Tom Haverford: Ron presents Tom with a paper book: 'I am giving you a non-electronic book made of paper from a tree. It is called Auto Repair Manual: 1982.'
Tom Haverford: Tom: 'I'm so bored.' — sitting in the office without screens, staring at nothing.
Ron Swanson: Ron: 'And second, if you ever need to discuss your problems with someone... find Leslie. She lives for that crap.'
Ron Swanson Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Leslie Knope: Leslie: 'The Pawnee Sun is calling me Loose-ly Grope. But you know what? I don't even care. I'm gonna kick all their asses!'
Leslie Knope · Ben Wyatt: Leslie: 'I'm gonna go right now and drink, like, 1,000 Red Bulls so I can draft a new bill to undo abstinence-only.' Ben: 'Man, you are just a machine.' Leslie: 'But you're gonna have to take out a lot of cursing, 'cause like I said, I am very fired up.'
Congressman Murray · April Ludgate: Congressman Murray: 'Hey, be careful out there. Traffic is nuts on the streets and roads.' April: 'No! They got you!'
Tom Haverford · April Ludgate: Tom arrives in DC: 'Yo, you ready to go?' April, immediately: 'Why, yes, I am, April!' — using April's actual name and mirroring the Murray introduction joke.
Tom Haverford: Tom stares at Murray: 'No! They got you!' — as if Murray has become a screen.
Congressman Murray · April Ludgate · Ben Wyatt: The congressman runs into Ben and April and says 'Terrific! Hey, I'm hungry. Let's go eat some batteries... I mean, human food.' April also plays along: 'Hey, batteries... I mean, human food sounds good to me.'
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