Open Mic

Roland:Yeah, I had to call a locksmith last week. Wendy locked me out of the house.

Roland:Well, 'locked me out.' By accident, she says.

Ronnie:The pregnancy itself is already surprising enough.

Roland:Okay, let me think. The combination is either my birthday or Gloria Estefan's birthday.

David:Why would the safe combination be Gloria Estefan's birthday?

Roland:Well, you never know. It's good to have options.

David Rose:Bonjour, how are you?

Moira Rose:I'm doing très bien, gracias.

Roland:It actually was Gloria Estefan's birthday!

Ronnie:What the hell is this? Did someone put a ghost picture on my desk?

David:That's a sonogram, Ronnie.

Ronnie:A what?

David:It's an ultrasound. Someone's pregnant.

Ronnie:Well why didn't they just say so instead of leaving ghost pictures all over my desk?

Ronnie:I know the baby's gender. I'm carrying emotional cargo now.

Moira:Ronnie, might we confabulate for a moment? Privately?

Moira:Ronnie, might I have a word with you? In private?

Ronnie:Oh, here we go. You want something.

Moira:Ronnie, I have something rather salacious and council-related to discuss with you.

Ronnie:Salacious and council-related? Those are contradictory. Town council business is the opposite of salacious.

Stevie:Well, maybe the storm warning was retroactive.

David:Stevie, we haven't had a customer in three days. What is going on?

Stevie:I don't know, David. People just aren't coming in.

David:Well, that's not really an explanation. Have you tried doing anything to attract customers? Advertising? A promotion?

Stevie:You know what? Sure. Yes. I did all of that.

David:You did?

Stevie:No. I'm just going to say yes to everything you say now because this conversation is exhausting.

David:We should find better ways to engage with the community.

David:Actually, let's just find any way to engage with the community.

David:Well, people showed up for the free alcohol, not because they believe in us or our business.

Patrick:We should host an open mic night at the store.

David:That's... that's a lovely idea, Patrick. Really. I'm very open to new experiences and community engagement. However, if you do that, I will quit.

Patrick:I was in an improv troupe in high school.

David:*visibly recoils*

Patrick:Worst case, we get people in the store.

David:Watching improv is worse than business failure.

Alexis:What about the comment cards? Don't you read those?

Stevie:No, I don't read those.

Stevie:Most of these are just from bitter people who have nothing better to do than leave passive aggressive comments.

Stevie:Although, I have to say, a lot of these are from my mother.

Alexis:Wait, so you guys have a website?

Alexis:Oh my God, that is so cute. It's like, very 1997 of you.

Alexis:Is that... is that the little construction guy with the orange cones?

Alexis:Because that is literally the saddest thing I've ever seen.

Alexis:I mean, who talks like that? So aggressive.

Stevie:That was me.

Alexis:This automated voice is so robotic and awful. Like, how hard is it to sound like an actual human being?

Stevie:That was me. I had strep throat.

Alexis:I prefer 'image consultant and lifestyle architect.'

Johnny:So what is Step 1 of your plan?

Alexis:The presentation itself was Step 1. There was no actual plan yet.

Jocelyn:Well, in my family, we have a tradition of keeping the baby's gender a secret until birth.

Jocelyn:The origin story is that my great-great-grandmother was accused of witchcraft for guessing a baby's gender correctly.

Jocelyn:She was almost tried, so now we never guess. It's safer that way.

Moira:Double, double toil and trouble; fire burn and caldron bubble.

Jocelyn:So Moira, have you thought about what you're going to name the baby? I'm thinking if it's a boy, maybe something strong like...

Moira:Jocelyn, I can see exactly where you're going with this, and the answer is no.

Jocelyn:Well, if my ancestor hadn't been burned at the stake for witchcraft, we wouldn't be in this predicament now.

David:What are you holding?

Patrick:It's an acoustic guitar. It's a stringed instrument that produces sound through vibration of the strings, which resonates within the hollow body of the guitar. Unlike an electric guitar, it doesn't require amplification.

David:Patrick, I'm worried about your performance tonight.

Patrick:Why? I've been practicing.

David:I know, but there's a 60% chance you're going to mess up, and I'm not willing to risk our relationship on those odds.

Patrick:60%? That seems high.

David:It is high. It's very high. Which is why I'm concerned.

Patrick:What if I wore my fringed vest?

David:What do you mean 'what if'? You're not wearing it.

Patrick:But what if I did?

David:Then you'd look like you were going to a Renaissance fair.

Patrick:What if I didn't wear anything under it?

David:Patrick, no.

Stevie:That's not a real thing.

Alexis:Okay, Dad, take one step left.

Johnny:Like this?

Alexis:No, more left.

Johnny:How's this?

Alexis:Keep going left.

Johnny:Alexis, I'm going to walk right out of the room.

Alexis:I know.

Alexis:So the angle is that Stevie doesn't care about her appearance, which is like, crazy liberating? And then people see that and they're like, 'Oh my God, I don't have to care either.' It's actually genius marketing.

Stevie:Did you just call me ugly?

Alexis:No! I called you... effortlessly indifferent. Which is way better.

Stevie:Stevie's Place? That sounds like a funeral home.

Alexis:We could call it the Stevie Budd Motel.

Alexis:Oh my God, wait—no, that's not... I didn't mean...

Johnny:Why are we focusing on solo shots?

Ray:Well, because your group photos are... they're not reading.

Ray:Your posture is off.

Ray:Your eyes are dead.

Ray:And you have the energy of a man who's just been told his cat has passed.

Moira:Well, if you must know, I did peek at the ultrasound, but I was distracted by the technician's accent, and now everyone's asking me and I'm starting to doubt what I saw.

Moira:I kept that secret so well, I hid it from myself.

Roland:He put the combination note inside the locked safe

Roland:Well, I've locked the combination inside the safe.

Johnny:That's quite a blunder.

Roland:Massive understatement calling it just a 'blunder.'

Alexis:Stevie, you're going to look amazing. I mean, not in like a traditional sense, but in a way that's very you.

Stevie:What does that mean?

Alexis:It means you're going to look like yourself, which is great because you're very unique looking.

Stevie:I don't know, David. What if this actually works? What if people actually want what we're selling? Then I'm responsible for something. And if I'm responsible for something, people are going to expect things from me. And if people expect things from me, they're going to be disappointed when I inevitably let them down, and then they're going to leave.

Alexis:Look at this group photo, Ray. What do you think?

Ray:Well, you all look... half-normal.

Alexis:Half-normal? That's supposed to be a compliment?

David:I didn't allow him to do anything. I was very much against this.

Moira:Oh, so you expressed your concerns?

David:No, I didn't say anything.

Moira:I could start a fire.

David:Mom, no.

Moira:A small one.

Moira:I knew it! I could tell from the shape of Jocelyn's glow. That's a boy glow. I have an eye for these things.

Roland:Didn't you say earlier you thought it was a girl?

Moira:I said I *considered* it might be a girl. But my intuition, which is never wrong, told me boy.

David:The name is rather stunted, isn't it? 'The Rosebud Motel.' It sounds like a place where people go to die.

Alexis:Wait, Budd has two d's? That looks so wrong.

Alexis:I'm not trying to brag, but I got a B-minus on my motel rebranding project.

Alexis:Which, if you know anything about grades, is basically an A.

David:77%? That's barely a C.

Johnny:David, not everyone can be as academically gifted as you were in high school.

David:I got a 94 in calculus.

Johnny:Yes, and we've all heard about it. Many times. We know.