David and Patrick host an open mic night; Johnny and Stevie start rebranding the hotel.
Character comedy drives 51 jokes across open mic chaos, but pacing falters at 2.2 per minute.
Directed by Bruce McCulloch · Written by Dan Levy, Rebecca Kohler
WAR
87.7
Wins Above Replacement
“Open Mic” ranks #48 of 80 Schitt's Creek episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 86.8 — Elite. The episode packs 74 scored jokes at 3.2 per minute, averaging 7.3 on craft and 7.0 on impact, with Alexis landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
Moira: It's your fault! / You told me to keep it a secret, and that's exactly what I did, even from myself.
Moira Character Comedy Absurdist ★ Rewatch Stevie: Most of these are just from bitter people who have nothing better to do than leave passive aggressive comments.
Stevie: Although, I have to say, a lot of these are from my mother.
David Setup/Punchline Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Moira: No. No, I very clearly remember, an M and an F. Just can't recall which one was circled.
Moira Character Comedy Escalation Alexis: This automated voice is so robotic and awful. Like, how hard is it to sound like an actual human being?
Stevie: That was me. I had strep throat.
Alexis: Look at this group photo, Ray. What do you think?
Ray: Well, you all look... half-normal.
Alexis: Half-normal? That's supposed to be a compliment?
All Jokes — 74 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Roland: Yeah, I had to call a locksmith last week. Wendy locked me out of the house.
Roland: Well, 'locked me out.' By accident, she says.
Ronnie Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy Ronnie: The pregnancy itself is already surprising enough.
Roland Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Roland: Okay, let me think. The combination is either my birthday or Gloria Estefan's birthday.
David: Why would the safe combination be Gloria Estefan's birthday?
Roland: Well, you never know. It's good to have options.
Ronnie Setup/Punchline Deadpan/Understatement David Rose: Bonjour, how are you?
Moira Rose: I'm doing très bien, gracias.
Roland Character Comedy Absurdist Roland: It actually was Gloria Estefan's birthday!
Roland Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun Ronnie: What the hell is this? Did someone put a ghost picture on my desk?
David: That's a sonogram, Ronnie.
Ronnie: A what?
David: It's an ultrasound. Someone's pregnant.
Ronnie: Well why didn't they just say so instead of leaving ghost pictures all over my desk?
Roland Callback Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Ronnie: I know the baby's gender. I'm carrying emotional cargo now.
Moira Character Comedy Setup/Punchline ★ Rewatch Moira: Ronnie, might we confabulate for a moment? Privately?
Moira Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Moira: Ronnie, might I have a word with you? In private?
Ronnie: Oh, here we go. You want something.
Moira: Ronnie, I have something rather salacious and council-related to discuss with you.
Ronnie: Salacious and council-related? Those are contradictory. Town council business is the opposite of salacious.
Stevie: Well, maybe the storm warning was retroactive.
Patrick Observational Deadpan/Understatement David: Stevie, we haven't had a customer in three days. What is going on?
Stevie: I don't know, David. People just aren't coming in.
David: Well, that's not really an explanation. Have you tried doing anything to attract customers? Advertising? A promotion?
Stevie: You know what? Sure. Yes. I did all of that.
David: You did?
Stevie: No. I'm just going to say yes to everything you say now because this conversation is exhausting.
David: We should find better ways to engage with the community.
David: Actually, let's just find any way to engage with the community.
David Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement David: Well, people showed up for the free alcohol, not because they believe in us or our business.
Patrick: We should host an open mic night at the store.
David: That's... that's a lovely idea, Patrick. Really. I'm very open to new experiences and community engagement. However, if you do that, I will quit.
David Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Patrick: I was in an improv troupe in high school.
David: *visibly recoils*
Patrick David Setup/Punchline Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Patrick: Worst case, we get people in the store.
David: Watching improv is worse than business failure.
Alexis: What about the comment cards? Don't you read those?
Stevie: No, I don't read those.
Stevie: Most of these are just from bitter people who have nothing better to do than leave passive aggressive comments.
Stevie: Although, I have to say, a lot of these are from my mother.
David Setup/Punchline Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Alexis: Wait, so you guys have a website?
Alexis: Oh my God, that is so cute. It's like, very 1997 of you.
Alexis: Is that... is that the little construction guy with the orange cones?
Alexis: Because that is literally the saddest thing I've ever seen.
Alexis: I mean, who talks like that? So aggressive.
Stevie: That was me.
Johnny Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Alexis: This automated voice is so robotic and awful. Like, how hard is it to sound like an actual human being?
Stevie: That was me. I had strep throat.
Alexis: I prefer 'image consultant and lifestyle architect.'
Johnny: So what is Step 1 of your plan?
Alexis: The presentation itself was Step 1. There was no actual plan yet.
Jocelyn: Well, in my family, we have a tradition of keeping the baby's gender a secret until birth.
Jocelyn: The origin story is that my great-great-grandmother was accused of witchcraft for guessing a baby's gender correctly.
Jocelyn: She was almost tried, so now we never guess. It's safer that way.
Alexis Character Comedy Absurdist Moira: Double, double toil and trouble; fire burn and caldron bubble.
Jocelyn: So Moira, have you thought about what you're going to name the baby? I'm thinking if it's a boy, maybe something strong like...
Moira: Jocelyn, I can see exactly where you're going with this, and the answer is no.
Jocelyn: Well, if my ancestor hadn't been burned at the stake for witchcraft, we wouldn't be in this predicament now.
David: What are you holding?
Patrick: It's an acoustic guitar. It's a stringed instrument that produces sound through vibration of the strings, which resonates within the hollow body of the guitar. Unlike an electric guitar, it doesn't require amplification.
Jocelyn Character Comedy Setup/Punchline Callback David: Patrick, I'm worried about your performance tonight.
Patrick: Why? I've been practicing.
David: I know, but there's a 60% chance you're going to mess up, and I'm not willing to risk our relationship on those odds.
Patrick: 60%? That seems high.
David: It is high. It's very high. Which is why I'm concerned.
Moira Character Comedy Misdirection ★ Rewatch Patrick: What if I wore my fringed vest?
David: What do you mean 'what if'? You're not wearing it.
Patrick: But what if I did?
David: Then you'd look like you were going to a Renaissance fair.
Patrick: What if I didn't wear anything under it?
David: Patrick, no.
Stevie: That's not a real thing.
Patrick Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy Alexis: Okay, Dad, take one step left.
Johnny: Like this?
Alexis: No, more left.
Johnny: How's this?
Alexis: Keep going left.
Johnny: Alexis, I'm going to walk right out of the room.
Alexis: I know.
Alexis: So the angle is that Stevie doesn't care about her appearance, which is like, crazy liberating? And then people see that and they're like, 'Oh my God, I don't have to care either.' It's actually genius marketing.
Stevie: Did you just call me ugly?
Alexis: No! I called you... effortlessly indifferent. Which is way better.
Stevie: Stevie's Place? That sounds like a funeral home.
Alexis: We could call it the Stevie Budd Motel.
Alexis: Oh my God, wait—no, that's not... I didn't mean...
David Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Johnny: Why are we focusing on solo shots?
Ray: Well, because your group photos are... they're not reading.
Ray: Your posture is off.
Ray: Your eyes are dead.
Ray: And you have the energy of a man who's just been told his cat has passed.
Patrick Character Comedy Setup/Punchline Moira: Well, if you must know, I did peek at the ultrasound, but I was distracted by the technician's accent, and now everyone's asking me and I'm starting to doubt what I saw.
Alexis Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Moira: I kept that secret so well, I hid it from myself.
Roland: He put the combination note inside the locked safe
Roland: Well, I've locked the combination inside the safe.
Johnny: That's quite a blunder.
Roland: Massive understatement calling it just a 'blunder.'
Alexis: Stevie, you're going to look amazing. I mean, not in like a traditional sense, but in a way that's very you.
Stevie: What does that mean?
Alexis: It means you're going to look like yourself, which is great because you're very unique looking.
Stevie: I don't know, David. What if this actually works? What if people actually want what we're selling? Then I'm responsible for something. And if I'm responsible for something, people are going to expect things from me. And if people expect things from me, they're going to be disappointed when I inevitably let them down, and then they're going to leave.
Alexis Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Alexis: Look at this group photo, Ray. What do you think?
Ray: Well, you all look... half-normal.
Alexis: Half-normal? That's supposed to be a compliment?
David: I didn't allow him to do anything. I was very much against this.
Moira: Oh, so you expressed your concerns?
David: No, I didn't say anything.
Alexis Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Moira: I could start a fire.
David: Mom, no.
Moira: A small one.
Moira: I knew it! I could tell from the shape of Jocelyn's glow. That's a boy glow. I have an eye for these things.
Roland: Didn't you say earlier you thought it was a girl?
Moira: I said I *considered* it might be a girl. But my intuition, which is never wrong, told me boy.
Alexis Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement David: The name is rather stunted, isn't it? 'The Rosebud Motel.' It sounds like a place where people go to die.
Alexis: Wait, Budd has two d's? That looks so wrong.
Moira Character Comedy Absurdist Callback Alexis: I'm not trying to brag, but I got a B-minus on my motel rebranding project.
Alexis: Which, if you know anything about grades, is basically an A.
Roland Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement David: 77%? That's barely a C.
Johnny: David, not everyone can be as academically gifted as you were in high school.
David: I got a 94 in calculus.
Johnny: Yes, and we've all heard about it. Many times. We know.
Moira: All of a sudden, expected attention has me doubting what I saw. I barely glanced at that paper.
Moira Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Moira: No. No, I very clearly remember, an M and an F. Just can't recall which one was circled.
Moira Character Comedy Escalation Moira: It's your fault! / You told me to keep it a secret, and that's exactly what I did, even from myself.
Moira Character Comedy Absurdist ★ Rewatch Roland · Ronnie: Where did you put the sonogram? / In the safe. / And I wrote down the new combination on a sticky note. / Perfect, so where's the sticky note? / Well, the sticky note, I believe, is also in the safe.
Roland: Well that, I will admit, is my blunder.
Roland Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy Roland · Gwen (off-phone): Gwen, you still there? Hello? I'm goin' home.
Roland · Ronnie: Gwen, you still there? Hello? / I'm goin' home.
Alexis: I'm playing around with Ray, we took some shots with my hands outta my pockets, and he thinks with a little Photoshopping, they may turn out okay.
Alexis Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Alexis: Okay, Stevie, as VP, and CEO of In-House publicity, growing the business is generally considered to be a good thing.
Alexis Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Callback Alexis: Johnny's looking half-normal.
Alexis Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy Moira · David: Oh dear, you're awfully brave allowing your beau to indulge himself like this. / Okay, this was not my idea.
Patrick · David: I would like to dedicate this song to a very special someone in my life. / David Rose. — Okay. / There he is, right there. That's him. Can't miss him.
Patrick · David: I would like to dedicate this song to a very special someone in my life. David Rose. There he is, right there. That's him. Can't miss him.
David · Patrick: You'll let me know if I should pull the fire alarm? / Yes.
Roland · Jocelyn · Moira: Moira? Oh, you two, I told you I don't know. But we do. We called the doctor. You did? Lovely. Don't you wanna know what it is? I'll give you three guesses.
Roland · Moira: Moira, we're having a boy. / A boy, I believe I told you that. / How wonderful!
Moira: My boy right now is being serenaded by his butter-voiced beau.
Moira Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Stevie: This would've been much more of a surprise, if I hadn't heard the construction all morning.
Stevie Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy Stevie · Moira: Why isn't it just Rose Motel? / The Rosebud makes it a sad stunted thing.
Johnny · Moira: Yeah, except it's Budd, with two d's, but... / Okay, well that would just look insane.
Alexis: Also, I didn't know that.
Alexis Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Stevie · Johnny · Alexis: Can we have breakfast now? / Yeah, let's celebrate. Come on! / Oh, um, not to brag, but this re-brand got me 77% on my final marketing exam.
David · Johnny: Okay, have you ever gotten an A? / Enough, David.
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