Patrick Brewer

Patrick:I like you. I don't want to like you, but I do.

David · Patrick:You've made my life here survivable. / 'Survivable.' Thank you. That is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.

Patrick · Customer:Patrick is behind the desk at the garage but clarifies he doesn't 'work here' in the garage — then immediately contradicts himself

Patrick · Customer:The customer gives up and says he'll 'just go to another garage' after Patrick's extended non-explanation

Patrick:Patrick tells Alexis 'The amount of times that I run into you in this place is like, out of a romantic comedy'

Alexis · Patrick:Alexis says she has a pimple because she washed her face with 'dirty hand soap.' Patrick: 'Yeah, just don't look at it.' Alexis: 'Thanks.'

Alexis · Patrick:Alexis, offered a receptionist job at a vet clinic: 'That's so sweet, but I would be uncomfortable accepting free money.' Patrick explains she'd be working and paid. 'Oh!'

Patrick · David:Patrick: 'Um well, I wouldn't really worry about it, I managed several galleries, and never once looked at the paperwork, so. It either all comes together, or it doesn't. Ultimately.' / David: 'Did it ever come together?'

Patrick:Patrick's roundabout build-up to asking David for a ride to his driving test: 'What I find helpful when I get overwhelmed is actually taking a step away for like, 15 minutes to an hour, to um, to maybe two hours, and ah, helping... people.'

Patrick:Patrick: 'I am looking for a very lucky person to drive me to my driver's test.'

Patrick:Patrick's follow-up: 'I would love to run some errands, or you know, maybe pick something up, I just-I just need a valid driver's license.'

David · Patrick:I just find it extremely violating. / Because your parents threw money at you? / Yes! They paid for everything, it's like a form of child abuse.

Patrick:Don't quote me on this, but it seems like their intentions were good.

Patrick:Yeah, I mean, they do give me a small weekly stipend for hanging out with you, so...

Patrick · David:David Rose, you bought the General Store. / Leased.

Patrick:Your parents tell me you're very sporty, so Will, why don't you grab the paddle, and Theresa, a badminton racket?

David · Patrick:I'm oscillating between two names at the moment, so if we could just leave that one blank, that would be great. / Sure, sure. Give you more time to... oscillate.

Patrick:Battin' a thousand here, David.

Patrick:Okay, so we're pretty clear on what it's not.

Patrick:Right, I love the buzzwords, David, but I do need to put something down here.

Patrick · David:I threw you a bit of a change-up there, huh? / Yeah, again, I don't know what that means, I don't play cricket.

Patrick · David:Look, take this, it's my card, and I feel like you will need it. / Uh, you know what, I think I'm good.

Patrick:Hi David, it's Patrick. I um—was just calling to run my business plan uh, by you in a little more detail. So feel free to give me a call back, and I will be happy to walk you through it. Okay, ciao.

Patrick:Ciao! I said ciao to that person.

Patrick:Hi Patrick, Yeah, I think I... I think I called you David. Which that's not - that's not your name.

Patrick:Sorry, I just got a text. / Oh God! / Yeah, the text cut us off. / Oh my god!

Patrick:Well, at least I finished my book.

Patrick:Nothing, I'm just uh, I'm so glad you made such good use of my business card.

Patrick:Patrick's silent, slightly amused reaction upon seeing David return.

Patrick:Actually, I played them for a few friends of mine, I was at a birthday party, so there were a lot of people weighing in.

Patrick:Just kidding, I didn't play them for anybody. I thought the first few were very humorous, David, and then I lost interest.

Patrick:I may have played them here on speaker phone.

Patrick · David:'Rose Apothecary,' you know, it's just pretentious enough. / Would we call that pretentious, or... timeless?

Patrick:And hey, if I don't get a hold of you, I'll just uh, leave a message.

Alexis · Patrick:Patrick arrives to drop off the business license; Alexis tells him 'I'm Alexis, and I'm currently studying business and I'm David's sister and life coach'

Alexis · Patrick:Alexis apologizes to Patrick if her hands are too soft because she's 'been sampling a lot of product' — Patrick confirms they are indeed very soft

Patrick · David:Patrick: 'Well, I don't have my textbook on me.' David: 'I stand corrected.'

David · Patrick:Patrick returns to the store, David assumes his license has been revoked — Patrick: 'No, no. You're all good.' David: 'Okay. Um...'

Patrick · David:Patrick confesses he picked out the frame for the business license — 'they don't all come framed'

Patrick:Patrick: 'I'm gonna get the money.' Said with complete calm confidence after David expresses doubt

Roland · Patrick:Can you drink these? [Patrick: Um, it's liquid moisturizer, for your body, so no, you can't drink them.]

Patrick · Stevie:Stevie, right? I'm Patrick. I've heard a lot about you. [Stevie: None of it is true.] Oh well, anyone with a fiber of common sense would know that.

Patrick:Are-are you wearing a shower cap?!

Patrick · David · Stevie:You can crash at my place tonight if you need to. [David: Thank you. But Stevie offered her place this morning.] Oh. [Pause] Can I crash at your place?

David · Patrick:David refuses to share his juice, explaining he doesn't 'normally share beverages with people'

Patrick:Patrick: 'Really. That is shocking news.' — responding to David's beverage-sharing policy

David · Patrick:David's 'clean mouth' vs. 'sloppy mouth' theory for beverage sharing

David · Patrick:David withholds the juice at the end of the scene: 'No. You've got a sloppy mouth.'

David · Patrick:Patrick reveals Patrick told 'everyone on the pre-approved list' — it's spread to Twyla's whole family: 75 people

David · Patrick:The 'soft/firm/hard launch' sexual innuendo exchange between David and Patrick

David · Patrick:David realizes he never called the electrician; Patrick reveals he watched YouTube tutorials and wired the lights himself

Patrick:Patrick: 'Although, you know, we'd be 25 percent richer if we'd just done a hard launch. But hey, I'm just a numbers guy.'

Patrick · David:Patrick: 'I can fix that.' — immediately after the store's success, something in the store breaks/is wrong

Patrick · Store Clerk:Patrick asks for a gift receipt, saying it's 'for an anniversary,' and the store clerk immediately launches into a lament about how the world no longer remembers special days

David · Patrick:David hints at his family forgetting his birthday via the leading question 'Has your family ever forgotten your birthday? Like your parents and your sister, collectively, as a whole?'

Patrick:Patrick describes his family's birthday tradition: sometimes TWO parties — one with friends before school ended, another with cousins who were 'kinda more like siblings'

Patrick:Patrick: 'I'm kinda piecing together that it might be your birthday?'

Patrick:Patrick describes Café Tropical as 'moderately edible' — presenting this as a raving endorsement

David · Patrick:David and Patrick's elaborate performance of enthusiasm about Café Tropical's menu — 'Dare we try the deep fried mozzarella stick platter?' / 'They do a lovely wine pairing with that so...'

Patrick · David · Stevie:Patrick arrives and the table awkward 'did I not tell you?' exchange — revealing he didn't tell David that Stevie was coming

Patrick · David · Stevie:Patrick finds the gift on the table after being opened: 'Oh, I see you found my present.' / 'Um, yeah. We just didn't want anything to spill on it.' / 'So you put it on the table?'

Patrick:Patrick: 'You're gonna be really underwhelmed when you open it. Trust me. It's not— See. It's nothing.'

David · Patrick:David's awkward frame compliment: 'Um, this is a very solid frame.' / Patrick: 'Thank you, I'm learning.'

David · Patrick:David: 'I'm really glad you decided to invest in your business, David.' / Patrick: '...And I'm so glad you did, Patrick, because you've really helped to turn it into the success that it is.' / Patrick: 'Hmm. A bold claim.'

Patrick:Patrick: 'I was getting a little scared that I was gonna let you leave here without us having done that.'

David · Patrick:Patrick applying eucalyptus eye serum to David while David explains he needs a 'steady hand' because he's 'going through a lot right now.'

David · Patrick:David: 'Okay, between Alexis getting knocked up, and us not having enough privacy to connect, I'm feeling very shaken.' Patrick: 'Do you think you're gonna make it, though?' David: 'Unclear. Unclear on whether I'm gonna make it through or not.'

David · Patrick · Stevie:David covers for why the store is closed: 'Patrick and I were working on fixing a uh... a light bulb in the back.' Then Patrick appears with an obvious hickey on his neck.

David · Patrick:David: 'Because that would be disgusting, and wildly unprofessional.' Then: 'David, did you give me a hickey?!' David: 'Okay no, I didn't, I gave you a half hickey, because we haven't had the time or the privacy for me to give you a full hickey!'

David · Stevie · Patrick:Stevie offers her apartment for David and Patrick. David: 'Why? Why would you do that?' Stevie: 'Because I care about you two.' David: 'Okay, and where will you be?'

Patrick · David · Stevie:Patrick: 'That is super generous, but wouldn't it be a little bit weird, us having alone time at your place? Especially because you guys have...' Stevie/David: 'Oh God no! No, we've never... No, never, ew! We've never done that there. Never. I still live there.'

David · Stevie · Patrick:David asks 'What exactly is the catch?' Stevie says 'No catch.' [Long pause, David and Patrick look at each other.] They take the apartment. Stevie immediately takes a bottle of something from the store. David: 'So there's a bit of a catch.'

David · Patrick · Stevie:David asks where exactly Stevie is going. Patrick: 'She already told us, so maybe just say thank you.' David: 'Oh no, I did, I did say thank you multiple times.' Patrick: 'Um, what is the name of the spa?'

Jake · Patrick:Jake: 'And you are?' Patrick: 'Patrick.' Jake: 'Picking up Stevie.' Patrick: 'Yeah, we're gonna go, so...' Jake: 'So I'm not getting a name, then.'

David · Patrick:Patrick: 'So we're gonna talk about this, right?' David: 'Yep, I'm just gonna grab that bottle of...' Patrick: 'Whiskey?' David: 'Yeah, the whiskey.'

David · Patrick:David and Patrick make a toast to 'privacy' in Stevie's apartment with the marked whiskey bottle visible.

David · Patrick:David processes the Jake/Stevie situation: 'So this is for you. Um... cheers to privacy.' [But then:] 'Sorry, I've just gotta go through that one more time. So you dated Jake and then Stevie dated Jake.'

David · Patrick:David: 'And at one point, you all...' Patrick: 'No, see, that's where you're wrong. We almost all, but I said no.' David: 'Ah.'

David · Patrick:Patrick: 'You're upset about this because you still...' David: 'No! I'm not upset! I-I don't want any of that!' Patrick: 'No...' David: 'It's a principle thing.'

David · Patrick:David: 'And we are getting sidetracked right now. Okay? So... who is feeling sexy?' Patrick: 'Getting there for sure, I just-you know...'

Patrick:Patrick: 'I knew you had a rich dating history, David, I just didn't expect to be graced by the presence of two of your exes tonight.'

David · Patrick:David: 'You know what, we didn't even get into your history...' Patrick: 'Lock it up, David. Lock it up.' David: 'Oh, okay.'

David · Patrick · Stevie:Patrick has come to help Stevie with a school assignment at the store — David has no idea

Patrick:Patrick: 'You'd start by telling the group of teens that hang out outside your store every afternoon to leave because they're scaring off actual customers.'

Patrick:Patrick: 'What just happened to you? Like, breathe it out.'

Patrick:Great sale, bro. Four teens, one pack of gum, which you gift wrapped.

Patrick:Patrick: 'Hey, why don't we just close the store up, and celebrate for the rest of the day?' — in response to the lip balm addition

Patrick:Patrick: 'Well, that'll make up for all the stuff they've been stealing.'

Patrick · David:Patrick describes the shoplifting operation in exact Hamptons-klepto detail, and David admits: 'It's the exact same move that I used with my klepto friends in the Hamptons.'

Patrick:Patrick: 'They only took the toner and the cleanser, and if they're not selling it on the black market, then they'll need to come back and get the moisturizer, or their t-zones are going to be like, super effed!'

Patrick:'Like clockwork, David.' — the teens return, exactly as Patrick predicted

David · Patrick:David asks the teens: 'All those compliments, and fist bumps... Was that just part of the big scheme?' / Teens: 'No, you have cool style.' 'I like your shoes.' / Patrick: 'They're lying to you, David, they're lying, they're lying.'

Patrick:I cursed those bears with the little strength that I could muster up.

Patrick · David:David you move things without consulting me all the time. Like the brooms! / Okay, well they were fugly brooms with big red handles. They didn't match our sand and stone colour palette.

Stevie · Patrick:Nothing, I just um, just remembering all those times that you compromised. I was just thinking about the same things, because there, there's so many to flip through.

Patrick · David:You made me pick between two Sandra Bullock vehicles. / And you picked 'The Lake House', which was the correct choice.

Patrick · Stevie · David:Are you sure? / Look at his face. / Look at your face.

Patrick:Okay, great. Well, then obviously you'll have no problem if I get the toilet brushes out here, too.

Patrick · David:Is something wrong, David? / [long pause] / No.

Patrick · David:You know, I have to say, if we hadn't put these babies out there, there's a strong possibility we wouldn't have sold two of 'em today. / And a brush.

Patrick · David · Stevie:I'm sorry, what did you just say? / I said the breath mints need to move. / I think it was something about your boyfriend's shoes?

Stevie · Patrick:I think my work here is done. / And what work is that, exactly?

Patrick · David:My boyfriend doesn't like the shoes, so I'm gonna take the shoes off. / Okay, before you do that, I just wanna let you know that sock feet in a public place is also incorrect. / We do what we have to do.

Patrick:Patrick: 'We do what we have to do.' — as he removes his shoes in a public retail space

Patrick:After the awkward eulogy moment, Patrick abruptly pivots: 'Alrighty, I think we should get to rehearsal, okay? We can revisit this later.'

Patrick:I'm gonna say it, we've been open for 3 hours now, and not a single customer's walked through that door.

David · Patrick:Well, I mean, I heard that there was a storm warning for today, so. / How do you explain yesterday? / Maybe the storm warning was for yesterday. / So then how do you explain today? / Okay, I don't have all the answers.

Patrick · David:You know why people are always in the café? Because they feel at home there, it feels like... comfortable. Okay, are you saying that I don't make people feel at home? Um...

Patrick · David:What if we hosted an open mic night? / I am open to suggestions.

David · Patrick:So there was a point at which you, and some of your fellow amateur singer songwriters would gather and perform poetry and songs? / Yeah. / For one another? / Mhm. That's right. / Oh god.

Patrick · David:The occasional improv troupe would stop by. / I'm um... I'm feeling kind of ill.

Patrick · David:Someone took a long coffee break. / Oh, I'm sorry, did I miss the evening rush? / Uh, yes, one customer came in, who was asking for directions.

Patrick:This is called an acoustic guitar.

David · Patrick:So then you will be... playing your acoustic guitar / in front of people then, in public. / And singing a song. / And singing a song.

Patrick · David:I was thinking about singing an original song. / An original song? / But then I thought you know, it's probably best just to stick with a classic. / Yeah. Classic.

David · Patrick:I think that's cool. / David, you're gonna be fine.

Patrick:Good to know. So now the only question is, do I wear my fringed vest? Or more importantly, do I wear anything under it?

Patrick · David:I would like to dedicate this song to a very special someone in my life. / David Rose. — Okay. / There he is, right there. That's him. Can't miss him.

Patrick · David:I would like to dedicate this song to a very special someone in my life. David Rose. There he is, right there. That's him. Can't miss him.

David · Patrick:You'll let me know if I should pull the fire alarm? / Yes.

Patrick · David:It's a cookie, David, what's the big deal? / First of all, a cookie is always a big deal...

Patrick:This is the longest relationship you've ever had? Oh, I shoulda got you more than a cookie.

Patrick:Okay, well the cookie was almost too much. Figuratively speaking. I ate half of it on the way here.

David · Patrick:He was never found. / Probably dead.

Patrick · David:You did that for me? / No, but there was a moment when I thought about doing it.

Roland · Johnny · Patrick:You guys want me to jump in? / No, I think we've got it covered. / Oh, you do, oh great, 'cause I'm gonna get another beer.

Johnny · Patrick:I'd say that one looks about perfect. / I was gonna say the same thing. / Specifically which one were you talking about? / Just this one, here. / Oh yeah, that's the one.

Johnny · David · Patrick:There ya go, we make a good team, Pat. / No, John, no, we're not doing Pat. / No we're not.

Patrick · Johnny:My first job in high school was actually at a Rose Video. / Get outta town! What branch? / 785. / 785. Impressive late fees.

Alexis · Patrick · Rachel:Patrick? / Rachel, what are you doing here? / What are you doing here? I've been texting you for 2 days.

Patrick:No I... I mean I don't... now. / But yes, at some point I mean we... we were...

Patrick · Johnny · Moira:I'm gonna talk to you in a minute, we've got a lot to talk about. / Who is she? / I glanced down at my plate for two seconds.

Patrick · David:Actually um, I haven't had dinner yet, so... / I'll grab ya a slider. / More than one, um, and some potato salad, and I think there were some other sides on the table, but I couldn't see, so maybe just a smattering of everything.

Patrick · David:Okay, s... so you would like to focus on the store, then? [long beat] I think that's probably a good idea. But hey, it's good to have you back.

Patrick · David:I just did. I'm happy to finish doing the creams, I... I don't think it's a two-person job. Okay, so you're just gonna stay here and not have lunch then, or are we going in shifts?

David · Patrick:I don't want to get used to this! I don't wanna pretend like we're co-workers. We are co-workers. Okay, I just liked it better when we were more than that.

Patrick · David:I'm sorry, were you holding back on talking to me because you were getting gifts? I was very upset, and confused. So upset, that I barely finished the chocolates.

Patrick:David, this wasn't meant to be some Advent calendar of apologies, it was like an olive branch to get you to talk to me.

David · Patrick:I just, I guess, didn't know, how many olive branches you were planning on extending. Ideally, one!

Patrick:Yeah, and now I know, that while I was torturing myself, you were sitting at home, just opening gifts.

Patrick · David:I see you like the bracelet. Love the bracelet, thank you.

David · Patrick:You know what, I feel like now maybe I deserve an olive branch, or two? Okay, I understand that. What if... I gave you back some of the olive branches that you gave to me?

Patrick:You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna go to lunch, and you're gonna sit here, and think about what you've done.

David · Patrick:Um, while you're at lunch, can you get me some lunch? Unbelievable.

David · Patrick:What is this? Consider this my olive branch. [Patrick has arranged a romantic scene with 'Simply the Best' playing]

Patrick:'What just happened?'

Patrick · David:'Sounding a bit expensive, David.' / 'We haven't talked budget yet, but I'm assuming Jocelyn's wanting to spend some money.' / 'I'm assuming Jocelyn's planning on spending no money.'

David · Patrick:'This isn't even her first baby! / Oh, so it's more of a sprinkle, then.' / 'What the hell is a sprinkle?'

Patrick:I'm assuming that Jocelyn's planning on spending no money on her baby shower.

David · Patrick:'Well, she's one person, and everyone knows you don't plan a whole party around one person.' / 'Maybe you do, if the party is for her.'

David · Patrick:'Fine! Worst case scenario, she grazes at the soft cheese station.' / 'Are you sure that she can eat that?' / 'This is why I hate babies!'

David · Patrick:Fine! Worst case scenario, she grazes at the soft cheese station. — Are you sure that she can eat that?

Patrick · Jocelyn:Hey, Jocelyn, why don't you get ready, get changed, and we'll take good care of the place. — I am ready.

David · Patrick:'Was this a mistake?' / 'Oh, probably, but you know, we're here now, you know.'

Patrick:You been goin' to the gym, 'cause that looked effortless?

David · Patrick:I was just wondering what your day was looking like? / I'm not dropping the box off for you.

David · Patrick:Alexis told him she loved him. [beat] Wow. Well, good for her, it's... it's not easy puttin' yourself out there like that. — Okay, sure.

Patrick:What you're doing is very brave. Very generous, okay? And I don't wanna add more stress to your day, but I love you.

David · Patrick:So you just said that to me for the first time, knowing that it would make my day more stressful. That's correct.

David · Patrick:Because you know that I've never said that to anyone else, aside from my parents twice, and one time at a Mariah Carey concert, I know. Yeah.

Patrick:Okay. That compliment could bring me to tears, but I'm not gonna let it.

Patrick:That went well.

Patrick:[Patrick watches David struggle out the door] That went well.

Patrick:Well, David, I gotta hand it to you. We've already sold half of our massage oils. It's like you're an oracle when it comes to the sex lives of lonely people.

David · Patrick:How'd it go with Ted? [David turns, looks at Patrick] I love you.

Patrick · David:I know I'll never be able to compete with Mariah. / Mm. / It just kind of feels like one of those perfect moments that you dream about. Except in my dream, I'm holding a nice cup of tea. / Oh... / I'm kidding. I don't need the tea. No, I am making this perfect moment, perfect.

Patrick:Ooh, burn, David!

David · Patrick · Stevie:Do you have time to mood-board a color scheme? / Does anyone? / No.

Patrick · David:You still thinking about that espresso machine, aren't ya? / Yes. Yes, I am. / One day. / Mm hmm.

Patrick · David:Patrick walks into the store and finds David doing inventory with rubber thimbles on his fingers. David explains them: 'They help me flip the pages easier.' Patrick: 'Hot. Hot sex.'

Patrick:Patrick: 'Nine to five are our store hours. So it's kinda hard to build customer loyalty when your store is just like, spontaneously open or closed.'

David · Patrick:David: 'Yeah, anyway, it turns out Alexis's relationship is in trouble.' / Patrick: 'What?' / David: 'Yeah, I know. Struggling. She practically begged us to join them at the park this afternoon, probably for emotional support.'

David · Patrick · Alexis · Ted:David gets on the ropes course, immediately freezes, and we see him stuck — everyone watching below

David · Patrick · Alexis · Ted:David: 'I'm sorry, you were right, the quiz was rigged.' / 'What?! What quiz?'

Patrick:Patrick from the ground: 'I don't know what this is about, but this generator is running smoothly.'

Patrick:Patrick: 'David, you're basically 40 years old, I shouldn't be able to make you feel bad about anything.'

Patrick:Patrick's speech: 'I love our relationship. I love it when you order me pizza. I love when you use words like inventory! I even love those stupid rubber things you put on your fingers, 'cause you think they flip the pages faster. They don't flip the pages faster. They don't flip the pages faster!'

Patrick:Patrick's rope course speech: 'I love it when you order me pizza. I love when you use words like inventory! I even love those stupid rubber things you put on your fingers, 'cause you think they flip the pages faster. They don't flip the pages faster. They don't flip the pages faster!'

Patrick · Stevie · David:I can understand taking the wine, but who steals a jar of tapenade? / And the brie?! / Well, at least we know if the cops don't get him, his cholesterol will.

Patrick · David:So you upsold the robber. — I did not! I didn't even tell him about the vintage wines we have in the back.

Patrick:Great. Great stuff, you guys.

Ray · David · Patrick:Ray says 'Knock, knock, everybody decent?' instead of actually knocking, walks in on David and Patrick

Patrick:Patrick: 'Once again, Ray, saying knock knock is not the same thing as actually knocking.'

Ray · David · Patrick:Ray bursts in again mid-conversation saying 'Knock knock!' — immediately after the discussion about how that doesn't work

Ray · Patrick:Ray asks 'Door open, or closed?' again after being asked to give them a minute — second instance of the running gag

Patrick · David:Patrick announces they need to look for an apartment, framed as driven by Ray's intrusions — but the emotional weight reveals this is actually a significant relationship step

Patrick · David · Ray:Patrick tours the apartment enthusiastically: 'Oh wow. It's good, eh, David?' David: 'I thought this was the penthouse.' Ray: 'Uh, it is the top floor of three floors.'

Patrick · David:Patrick: 'It's pretty perfect, huh?' David's response: 'Yeah, it's pretty.' — then a long pause

David · Patrick · Ray:David: 'Oh, closed!' Patrick simultaneously: 'Closed, I think.' Ray: 'Mhmm.' Then: 'Don't worry, we'll be putting a door on there.'

Patrick:Patrick: 'It's just that I was looking at this place like... just for me.'

Patrick:Patrick reveals the apartment was 'just for me' — a 'general we' because David would be 'staying over quite a bit'

Patrick · David:Patrick: 'Wait, does this mean you were ready to move in with me?' David: 'No.' Patrick: 'No?' David: 'No, it's a closet space, and a timing thing.'

David · Patrick:Models and teen actors are just gonna lounge around in their bras and thongs, and take Polaroids of themselves all night? / What was your high school experience like?

Patrick:Because never have I ever been so bored.

Patrick:I didn't expect that you'd be drinking quite so much.

Patrick · David:Eating out of the garbage? / Okay, I did that in front of you last night.

Patrick · Alexis · Ted:That's offensive. / Okay, anyway, re-spin! / Yeah, it actually looks like it sorta landed between two people. / No, no, no, no! I know exactly who it landed on.

Ted · Patrick:Ted kisses Patrick enthusiastically at the spin-the-bottle game.

Alexis · Patrick · David:Mmm, was it the time you kissed my boyfriend? Or... was it the time you kissed my boyfriend? / I think it was the time you kissed her boyfriend.

David · Patrick · Alexis · David:Okay, is that what needs to happen to clear the air here? You guys need to kiss? / David, let's not be dramatic. / Yeah, maybe it does. / Well, by all means.

David · Patrick:Was that fun for you guys? That like, satisfying? / I was never not okay. So.

Patrick · David:Fine. He's a handsome guy. I might've been a little jealous. / So, you think he's handsome then? / What? He's like — he goes to the gym. / Goes to the gym?

Patrick · David:Both? / Not the answer I was looking for.

David · Patrick:How jealous, though? / Why don't you take out the garbage? / How jealous were you? / Nope! / Scale of one to ten. / Like, enraged, or... / Bye, bye. / Like fuming, did you sweat?

David · Patrick:How jealous, though? / Why don't you take out the garbage? / How jealous were you? / Nope! / Scale of one to ten. / Like, enraged, or... / Bye, bye. / Like fuming, did you sweat?

Patrick · David:Oh, I think he looked younger than 30. / Get fucked Alexis!

Patrick · Alexis:You know, just last week, a woman came in and gave me her number. / Do you mean the woman who wanted to know when the soap would be back in stock? Who came in here with her husband and kids?

David · Patrick:David asking what happened to the phone number while Patrick mentions it 'might still be in his pocket' — and then acting surprised at the implication.

Patrick · David · Alexis:I couldn't do it. / I don't think I ever said 'date'. / Was it the lack of ground rules?

David · Patrick:Okay, I mean... if that's what you want, then I guess I'm... I'm fine with it, I mean, I'm easy either way. / Oh.

Patrick · David:Also, this is gonna sound totally petty, but something about his shoes just made me feel really weird, 'cause they were like, long and pointy, but then... / Squared off at the toe. / Yes! Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. I know, it's okay.

Patrick · Moira:Please, don't go. — Patrick acting opposite Moira during the audition, with increasing believability.

David · Patrick:The extended uncomfortable silence when David asks 'Like they know about us, right?' and Patrick clearly hasn't told them — the pause from 10:22 to 10:28.

Patrick:Patrick: 'You're gonna laugh yourself right out of the closet on this one.' — before revealing the party surprise to David

Patrick:Patrick: 'David, I know my parents. They're not good actors.'

Patrick:Patrick dismantles David's cover: 'And the gift basket that you gave them that I'm hoping you paid for, that had nothing to do with you trying to smooth things over with them?'

Patrick:Well, thank you, Mr. Rose, but we're trying to keep morale high.

Roland · Patrick:I thought you told me that your team was stacked! / Good to see you too, Ronnie.

David · Patrick:Okay, my Dad might've told them, but he, he thought they knew. / And the gift basket that you gave them... had nothing to do with you trying to smooth things over with them?

David · Patrick:Yeah... / Like, they know about me, right? / ... / Like they know about 'us', right? / Um...

Patrick:David, I don't think this is how surprise parties work.

Patrick · Johnny:Hi. / David. Oh, hi. Hi, Clint, Marci. I see you've met my son.

Patrick:Flowers are for you; the pizza's my lunch.

Patrick:Ah, you will in time.

Patrick · David:David, I know my parents. They're not good actors. They knew about us, right? / Okay, my Dad might've told them, but he, he thought they knew.

David · Patrick:It was just a very messy day, and I was, I was trying to detangle things, and just make everything okay. — Yeah. — Well, you made everything okay.

David · Patrick · Stevie:David accuses his friends of 'general merriment' and they react with mock-disbelief at the word

David · Patrick:David to Patrick: 'You have legs like tree trunks, we knew that going into this.' Patrick replies: 'Thank you.'

David · Patrick · Stevie · Derek:David walks in on Patrick, Stevie, and Derek doing a full 'Money' production number. His reaction: 'What the hell?!'

Patrick:Patrick: 'Very impressed. Was not embarrassed at all. And I thought I would be.'

David · Patrick:Patrick reveals they're going on a hike. David protests: 'Yes, so that you can tell me I don't need to!' — about wanting to do more physical activity

David · Patrick:David describes his picnic vision: 'on a charming park bench in the middle of a private English garden.' Patrick: 'David, you have to stop watching Notting Hill. It's not helpful for our relationship.'

Patrick · Twyla:Patrick dismisses the tarot reading: 'you can't actually see that in these cards.' Twyla: 'Well, I also need to interpret the cards.' Patrick: 'Okay, so maybe you could interpret something a little more positive?'

David · Patrick:David complains the backpack is heavy. Patrick reveals: 'you had a pretty long list, and we needed ice packs to keep the cheese that you requested cold.' David: 'Well, did I get the ice pack one?'

David · Patrick:A twig goes through David's shoe. His panicked 'Where's the bear?!' from Patrick followed by David's: 'No, I stepped on a branch. It went right through my shoe.'

Patrick:Patrick didn't bring a first aid kit: 'It was either the first aid kit, or the ice packs.'

Patrick · David:Patrick: 'I should probably get out in front, David. You have no idea where you're going.' David: 'Okay. That's fair.' Patrick: 'Ow!'

David · Patrick:David carrying Patrick up the mountain on his back after the branch-through-shoe injury

Patrick:Patrick to the injured David: 'I wouldn't have made you hike all this way if I didn't think it was gonna be worth it. I know you a little better than that.'

David · Patrick:Oh my gosh, is this what marriage is? / Nope, this is just left over from the picnic yesterday, and I didn't wanna waste it so. / Hmm, you could've lied.

Patrick:'Great to know you've barely given this any thought.'

Patrick:Mrs. Rose, are you a performer at this point?

Johnny · Patrick:See what you've done there? — Yeah.

Patrick:You look great.

Patrick:David, I know you've made me relinquish most, if not all of the wedding planning to you at this point, but for what it's worth, this place is beautiful.

Alexis · Patrick · Clive · David:Did you not ask to see the prices in advance? — They don't provide... — We don't provide pricing in advance. — Well, now we know why.

Patrick:I'm feeling a little tension.

Stevie · Patrick · Stevie:Well, I guess congratulations are in order. — We didn't end up taking the venue. — Really? What stopped you? Did they like, run out of sandwiches or...?

Patrick:Uh, yes. But that's not why.

David · Patrick · David:David apologizing: 'I might have overreacted and for that, I am apologetic.' — 'So, you're sorry.' — 'I knew there was a reason I came on this trip. My God. I am remorseful over an action I participated in.'

Patrick · Alexis:Car won't start. — What?! Well, I can't be late for my flight!

Patrick · David:Okay, roadside assistance isn't gonna be here for the next hour, so we're going to call you a cab. — And Clive didn't have jumper cables because he doesn't drive because he's scared of car horns.

Patrick · David:Hey, what if we got married here? — What if we got married under a highway overpass?

David · Patrick:The opening exchange where David and Patrick discover something wet in the bed — David's escalating panic vs. Patrick's calm confusion

Patrick:We are not getting divorced... Yet. I need to see if I can get the stain out of my sheets first.

Patrick:Okay, that sounds like a fair deal.

Patrick · David:I love you. / I'm glad one of us does!

Patrick · David:So how was your seventh shower? Satisfactory, thank you so much.

Patrick:I found this blanket that I thought I had lost in the laundry room, so you've actually done me a favour.

David · Patrick:The crinkling sound discovery — David realizes there's a mattress protector on the bed

Patrick:I just wanted you to be comfortable in case it happened again... Come on, David, it's an expensive mattress!

David · Patrick:More expensive than my dignity? / I mean, comparable, at least.

Moira · Patrick:And his hashtag fiancee, Patrick. / I don't think you have to say hashtag when you're just talking, Mrs. Rose.

Patrick:David's just having a bit of a day. Didn't get a lot of sleep last night.

Patrick · David:I'm sorry, a what? / I'm leaving. Okay? And if I don't come back it's because of you.

Patrick · Moira:Why am I oddly flattered? / I can't imagine.

Patrick:Wow, someone's in a surprisingly good mood, considering they're 15 minutes late.

Moira · Patrick:And David is bewitching himself elsewhere? / Yeah, he is uh, dusting the shelves, even though I cleaned them last week, but hey, whatever it takes to get him through this.

Patrick · David:I'm so glad you decided to stay. / Well, there's literally no liquid left in my body, so.

David · Patrick:I wonder how long my mom lasted on the internets. / Not long, I don't think.

Patrick · David:You know, you were smart to get off of there. / Mhmm. I was curious to see what kinds of things she was posting throughout the day, though. / Yeah, nothing of note.

Patrick · David:Hey, let's talk about something else. Sure, um... what's the thread count on this plastic?

Patrick:Okay, would it help if I were to share something private and embarrassing with you?

Patrick:Okay, I only put this in when you're not around. [Patrick removes a mouthguard]

David · Patrick:Also, you look very beautiful. / Aw, thank you.

Patrick · David:How about... now? [Patrick puts on a large nose breathing apparatus] / My God! This is my nose thing, and it just helps me breathe better.

David · Patrick:I have never been more attracted to you. / Mm, same.

David · Patrick:Ronnie's texting me a link to something? / Okay, put it away, David. It's bedtime.

Moira · Patrick · David:Moira bursts in referencing 'JC Chasez': 'Well, if it isn't our very own little JC Chasez.' Patrick: 'Sorry. Who?' Moira/David quickly deflect: 'Ooh, we've been over that. Um, we should probably go.'

Patrick · Alexis:Patrick: 'Isn't she though?' / Alexis: 'Okay. That's funny. More of that. But aim it at David.'

Stevie · Patrick:Stevie: 'They only fly to Hoboken, Windsor and South Dakota.' Patrick: 'I've actually heard South Dakota is quite scenic.'

Alexis · Patrick:Patrick emerges in a suit. Alexis: 'Oh my God. Since when did James Bond shop at Elm Glenn?'

Patrick · David:Patrick: 'Yes. Can we just get married already? I'm kidding, I want pageantry that takes months and months to plan.' / David: 'Of course you do.'

Patrick · Stevie:Look at me. Two years ago, I thought I'd have a wife and kid at this point. Yeah, well, one out of two isn't bad.

Patrick:I've been told I'm... very young at heart.

Patrick · David:That was a fun car ride. Yes, it was very fun.

Patrick:Thank you so much for all the hot tips you were giving our Uber driver. For a second, I was concerned about my rating, but I think he seemed to enjoy all the wrong directions you were yelling at him.

Patrick:♪ I'm a hungry, hungry hippo

Patrick · David:Can you make me a lasagna, David? Imagine? No.

Patrick · David:Why are you so handsome? / It's a nine-step regimen I do twice a day. It's not a big deal.

Patrick · David:You know what I really wanna do with you? Uh-huh. Ethically speaking, I don't think we can do that with you in this state. Have a baby.

Patrick:I wish you were my dad.

Patrick:David? I'm very hungry.

David · Patrick:Morning, sunshine. / Mm. It's 5pm. / But good morning.

David · Patrick:I put you to sleep after that. / Wait. Are you, are you joking? / No. No, no. You held me close and told me to envision our lives... with a child.

Patrick · David:That, uh, that must've been scary for you. / It was a little triggering. Traumatizing.

Patrick:I'm not married to Christina Aguilera, am I?

Patrick:I don't wanna undermine the significance of this conversation, but I do wanna make it known that I was watching 'Bridget Jones's Baby' right before I went under.

David · Patrick:Okay, well that makes a little more sense then. / Mm. You would be a great dad, though.

Patrick · David:Um... Can you grab me those painkillers, please? I think I'm gonna need a few of them if we're still planning on making it to your mom's thing tonight. / Okay, that's actually a very good idea. I might take one myself. / Apparently the first 15 minutes are very, very dense.

Alexis · David · Patrick:Why are your pupils so dilated. / No, yours are. / No, yours are.

David · Patrick:Why are your pupils so dilated. / No, yours are. / No, yours are.

Patrick · David:Patrick: 'You happy now? Just do me a favour and watch these, and don't eat them.' David: 'Mm. No guarantees.'

David · Patrick:Patrick tells David 'You told me you could get into this.' David replies: 'I was referring to the pizza. But, also, the game.'

Patrick · David:Patrick explaining that David installing a Japanese toilet at his place 'involved taking out a wall,' and David's defense: 'It was in the email.'

Moira · David · Patrick:David says 'I only wish I could be there' to Moira's wine tasting, prompting Moira to say 'I can't go alone.' The scripted extraction scene where Patrick says 'You guys might wanna rehearse a little more next time. The extraction did feel a bit strained.' — and Moira's denial: 'That was you.'

Johnny · Patrick:Johnny's repeated attempts to pivot to talking about David getting interrupted by baseball plays: 'You know, speaking of great combinations, you and David—' [baseball hit] 'Oh!' Then 'You know, I was gonna say, you and David—' [Patrick watching game] 'Oh he went with Mrs. Rose... You know, I was just flashing on you and David—' [baseball] 'Oh, come on!'

Patrick · Johnny:Patrick's speech about loving David, followed by: '...and I will always do everything I can to respect him and to protect him from all of the things in life that can set him off. And there are many, many things that can set him off—' Johnny: '[Laughs] Oh, I'm aware, yeah.'

Patrick:Patrick, genuinely confused about the normalcy of the Rose family dynamic: 'So does this happen every night?'

David · Patrick:Patrick and David look at the test photo together; Patrick sees it's not that bad, but David walks it back: "Okay, well, the lighting is not good so. I mean..."

Ray · David · Patrick:The mouse pad Jocelyn made for the school computer lab with 'Under the Sea' theme — shown as a sample wedding favour

Ray · David · Patrick:Ray's backdrop options for the engagement shoot: jungle, outer space, two separate volcanoes

David · Patrick:David has draped everything in Ray's studio with white tarps and calls it 'an English estate in the offseason'

Patrick · David:Patrick emerges from the spa with an extreme orange spray tan; "You look like a cheese puff."

Patrick · David:"I told them to give me what you usually get." "Well, why would you do that? I'm practically Sicilian, you don't need that much sun."

Patrick · David:"Those are just ones where you look good." "Well..."

Patrick:"So I guess my relatives will just have to imagine what the person I'm marrying looks like and how happy I am to be with him."

Patrick:'David, can we just agree to stop making this wedding a bigger deal than it needs to be. We are not these people.'

Patrick · Alexis:Patrick has closed the entire café and set up an elaborate dinner for Alexis — mozzarella sticks, four-cheese lasagne, blueberry cheesecake

Patrick:"I may have forgotten about the whole milk situation."

David · Patrick:David's passive-aggressive response about the florist quote: 'Like you calling the florist, and getting a quote? That might be one of them.'

Patrick:Patrick: 'Maybe having Jocelyn on staff will give a little extra time to call the florist.'

Jocelyn · David · Patrick:Jocelyn's unsolicited advice about body milk and diaper rash, completely ignoring David's 'let them wander' instructions

Patrick:Patrick: 'I don't wanna rub salt in the wound here, David, but Jocelyn is kinda crushing it.'

Patrick:Patrick: 'Okay, I'm beginning to think that that is the high point of your entire life.'

David · Patrick:David: 'Yeah, but is that what we're really about? Like, just selling products?' / Patrick: 'Yep, that is literally the purpose of our store.'

Jocelyn · David · Patrick:Jocelyn rings a bell — 'Another sale, boys!' / David: 'Where'd she get that bell?' / Patrick: 'She brought it from home.'

Patrick · David:Patrick: 'she does know this is a training session, right?' / David and Patrick's mutual confusion about what Jocelyn thinks just happened

David · Patrick:David and Patrick: 'It's just not for her? / It's just not for her. / I got it. Thank you. / I think that's what it means.'

Patrick · David · Moira · Johnny:Patrick's family's bachelor party tradition is revealed — 'annual escape room challenge has been a Brewer family tradition' — met with the Roses' visible unenthusiasm

David · Patrick:David: 'Okay, there's no key in here. There is no key in here.' — Patrick: 'That's just the first puzzle, David. It's a series of puzzles.'

David · Patrick:David: 'Oh my God, this game is actually fun.' Patrick: 'See? I told you!' David: 'You're only saying that because you got one right!'

Johnny · David · Moira · Alexis · Stevie · Patrick:Mike Morrison's voicemail confirming he wants to take a meeting — played on speaker for the whole family who erupts in celebration

Patrick:I don't think you took long enough.

David · Patrick:Okay, am I holding a treat for you? / I don't know, are you?

David · Patrick:I thought you'd be excited. Would half a muffin help? / I'm not sure. / Okay. Y-you took it so that's a good sign.

Patrick · David:'Cause I know how flustered you can get when there's more than one thing on your plate.' / 'Hm. Unless it's food.'

Patrick:Patrick knocked on a stranger's door after David's fourth comment about the house looking like Kate Winslet's cottage from 'The Holiday'

Patrick · David:Patrick says 'It's gonna be a tough goodbye' — then notes: 'This is where we started our life together.' Beat. David: 'Yeah.'

Patrick:'No. The wedding is not... Why would the wedding be off?'

David · Patrick:'You know, at this point who even needs a wedding, am I right?' / 'Oh, I do. I need a wedding. Big time.'

Patrick · David:We should've gotten a tent. / I didn't need pizza that badly. / Wow, let's not get crazy.

Patrick · David:You said indoor weddings are tacky. / No. I said most weddings are tacky. And they often take place indoors.

Patrick:I have arranged for a massage to chill you out a little bit... Oh no, all this was planned weeks ago. Just had a hunch you wouldn't handle stress well today.

Patrick · David:You had like three bagels in half an hour. / They were a mistake.

David · Patrick:Don't neglect the lighting. / Okay. Love you, too.

Patrick:You are shockingly calm for David Rose on his wedding day.

David · Patrick:An indoor parking garage? / Those were all full.

Patrick · David:Wow. That massage really did a number, huh? / Uh, yeah. That was the first time I've ever received a happy ending.

Patrick · David:Sorry, what did you just say? / The happy ending that the masseur gave me. I've always heard of things like that, but I've never actually gotten one.

Patrick:Did you have to pay extra for that?

David · Patrick:I didn't pay for a happy ending! I paid for a massage! He gave you a happy ending?! On our wedding day?!

David · Patrick:I thought you wanted that?! / Why would I want you to get a happy ending from a stranger on our wedding day, David? / You tell me!

Patrick:All I did was leave an envelope full of cash and a note that said to take very good care of you. And now that I've said those words out loud, I can see how a certain kind of person would interpret that the wrong way.

Stevie · David · Patrick:Okay, but was it good at least? / Do not answer that. Was it? Don't.

Patrick:I think Stevie and I should probably go get ready. Leave you to put your little suit on. Nothing compares to you. My husband-to-be.

Moira · Patrick:And David... / Brewer. / Brewer.