The Bachelor Party

David:This shirt says 'David's Bachelor Party.' There's no apostrophe before the S.

Patrick:It's possessive.

David:It's incorrect. It should be 'David's' with an apostrophe. How is this supposed to be fun if it's grammatically wrong?

David:This shirt has a grammatical error. Who approved this?

Stevie:I did. Intentionally.

Stevie:I'm going to fail at this. I know I'm going to fail at this. But here are the plans.

David:I have never once asked Patrick for anything specific.

Patrick:That's not true. You sent me a seventeen-page email about your morning routine.

David:That was not a request, that was a courtesy.

David:Those aren't appetizers, those are errors.

Stevie:We're doing an escape room experience.

David:I'm not interested in being locked in a room while someone tries to kill me.

Stevie:It's not like Panic Room, David. You solve puzzles and clues to get out.

David:So it's exactly like Panic Room, except without Jodie Foster.

Patrick:It's like a fun group activity. You get locked in a room with your friends and you have to solve puzzles to escape.

David:Why would I want to be locked in a room with my friends?

David:Did my family agree to this?

Stevie:Well, no one said no.

Moira:Well, a woman of my stature requires certain accoutrements to maintain her sense of self-worth. A diamond tennis bracelet isn't merely a piece of jewelry—it's a fundamental necessity, like oxygen, or a well-appointed powder room. Without it, I'm simply a woman in a dress, and that won't do at all.

Moira:I had opportunities, David. Opportunities that I let slip through my fingers like sand through an hourglass, or a sieve, or... some other permeable object.

Moira:Well, it's not a commercial, it's a radio spot. There's a distinction.

Moira:Radio is actually a very intimate medium. It's just me and the listener, in their car, or their kitchen, or their... bathroom.

Moira:It's quite prestigious, actually. Very old Hollywood.

Moira:Well, I am a former actress and philanthropist.

Roland:I was just about to hear some very important business news, but apparently my sandwich is more important.

Roland:Look at this beauty. Medium rare roast beef, Swiss cheese, a little horseradish. She's a real looker.

Roland:I've been faithful to this sandwich. We've had some good times together. And now she's getting cold on me.

Johnny:Well, I have some news. There's been some interest in the business.

David:Interest? From who?

Johnny:Well, I don't want to get ahead of myself, but let's just say it's someone very interested in what we're doing.

Moira:Johnny, who is it?

Johnny:It's... well, it's a feeling, really. A very strong feeling that someone might be interested.

Stevie:Yeah, I'm great at keeping secrets. I haven't told anyone that you're bald.

Roland:Oh, an investor? Well, I won't say a word. Your secret's safe with me. Though I gotta say, if word got out that there's some mysterious money man sniffing around the town, people might start asking questions. They might wonder what you're hiding. Before you know it, there's rumors. Wild rumors. Maybe you're selling the town? Maybe you're building a casino? Maybe you're both!

David:Are those... sweatpants?

Alexis:Yes, they're so comfortable.

David:Alexis, I'm genuinely concerned for your wellbeing. This is a cry for help.

Alexis:It died.

David:Well, we can resurrect it. I mean, I'm assuming you're talking about your style, which, let's be honest, has been on life support for quite some time.

Alexis:This plant was the only thing I had left from our relationship.

David:Well, you also have memories.

Alexis:Yes, David, but I can't put memories in a pot and water them.

David:Excuse me, I'm sorry, but I have been the family mess for quite some time now, and I don't appreciate you just waltzing in here and trying to take over my thing.

Alexis:David, you're not the only one allowed to have problems.

David:Well, actually, in this family, yes. Yes, I am. That's kind of my brand.

Moira:Well, I was at a private screening with Jo Foster just last week, and she was telling me about a very similar situation.

David:Well, actually, I didn't have a bachelor party. I had a bachelor evening where I sat in a chair while four men I barely know stood around me in complete silence.

Johnny:His name is Mike, not Ike.

Roland:Well, that's what I'm saying. Mike's been calling all morning, and now Ike's calling too.

Johnny:It's not Mike Morrison, it's just Mike.

Roland:No, no, no, it's Mike Morrison. I took a call from Mike Morrison.

Roland:I've been trying to reach you all day. Your business partner called.

Johnny:My business partner? Which one?

Roland:I don't know, some guy. He said it was urgent.

Johnny:Oh my God. Oh my God, no. That was... that was the investor call. How did you not tell me?

Johnny:Hi, this is John Rose calling. I'm calling about... I'm calling to discuss a business matter. A matter of business. That's what this call is regarding. Business. I'll call back if I don't hear from you. Or you can call me back. Either way, someone will be calling someone.

Johnny:How did my voicemail sound?

Stevie:It sounded fine.

Stevie:Except you didn't leave one.

Moira:Well, I can assure you that my performance will be anything but flat.

Moira:This is... this is truly extraordinary. And by extraordinary, I mean a crime against the English language and good taste. 'Larry Air: We get you there.' We get you there? Where? To bankruptcy? To a state of profound disappointment? The alliteration is non-existent, the messaging is vapid, and the tagline sounds like something a sleep-deprived intern would scribble on a napkin at 3 AM. This is advertising's nadir.

Alexis:Well, I once dated a guy named Dusty who lived in a van, and I thought that was rock bottom. But then I realized the van didn't have a bathroom, so I was literally living in a porta-potty for three months.

Moira:My God.

Alexis:So yes, Mom, a radio job is definitely not my lowest point.

Johnny:Yes, well, I'm just checking something very important on my phone.

David:Dad, it's your son's bachelor party.

Johnny:I know that, David. But the market is in freefall, and I need to—

Moira:John, put the phone away.

Johnny:You don't understand. This is a critical moment in— Oh my God, it's worse than I thought.

Stevie:No. We're doing the escape room.

David:I don't think this is a good idea. Escape rooms are designed for people who enjoy being trapped in confined spaces with strangers while being timed. I enjoy none of those things.

Johnny:It'll be fun, David. It's team building.

David:I would rather be actually trapped. In an actual room. With an actual lock. Alone.

David:He can't even say 'fun' without sarcasm.

Patrick:The Rose family has this wonderful tradition where we all gather and share what we're grateful for.

Johnny:That's lovely. How long does that usually take?

Patrick:Oh, it varies. Sometimes an hour, sometimes two.

Johnny:Right. Well, I'm grateful for a lot of things, so I could probably wrap mine up in about thirty seconds if that helps.

Alexis:Wait, so this is an escape room? Like, we have to escape?

Alexis:Oh my God. We couldn't escape to the Galapagos, so now we have to escape from a room. That's actually insane.

Alexis:Wait, the Galapagos Islands? I literally just told you about my trip there!

David:Can you just show us where the exit is?

Moira:David, we don't break character. That's Acting 101.

Moira:You're destroying the fourth wall, and quite frankly, the immersion.

Johnny:I don't like mind games. They're manipulative, they're dishonest, and frankly, I'm not very good at them.

Alexis:Maybe I made a mistake.

David:The outfit? Yes. Life choices? We can't know that yet.

Alexis:Oh my god, that's a finch!

David:How do you know that?

Alexis:I dated a birdwatcher in the Maldives. Well, I thought he was a birdwatcher. Turns out he was just following me around with binoculars.

David:Where do you see yourself in five years?

Alexis:Um, I don't know. Somewhere fabulous, hopefully. Like, maybe I'll have my own business, or I'll be married to someone really rich and successful. Or, like, both. Why are you asking me this?

David:I'm just trying to understand what your goals are.

Alexis:Okay, well, can we not do this right now? I'm actually in the middle of this puzzle, and I'm really close to finishing it, so...

David:It's a 500-piece puzzle, Alexis.

Alexis:I know, and I'm almost done. I just need to find this one piece, and then I can, like, really think about my future and my career and all of that stuff.

David:Alexis, you're doing it wrong.

Alexis:I'm doing it wrong? You're the one who said you were good at puzzles!

David:I am good at puzzles. I'm not good at watching you destroy them.

Alexis:Well, maybe if you weren't hovering over me like some kind of puzzle police, I could actually concentrate.

David:The puzzle police? Alexis, we have approximately four minutes before this mechanism resets.

Alexis:Then stop talking and let me work!

Alexis:The game is fun!

David:Oh really? Because last week you said it was 'a waste of time and brain cells.' What changed? Oh, I know—the guy running it is attractive.

Alexis:That's not true.

David:Alexis, you once said our family was 'boring and depressing' until you found out Johnny Rose was wealthy.

Johnny:Has anyone seen my phone? I'm expecting a very important call.

Moira:Darling, you know the rules. No phones during family time.

David:Mom's right. We all agreed—

Stevie:Yeah, no phones.

Johnny:This is different. This could be the call that changes everything.

Moira:And it will still change everything in twenty minutes.

David:Besides, I don't even have mine on me.

Moira:Nor I.

Stevie:Same.

Johnny:Really? You're all completely phone-free right now?

David:Completely.

Moira:Utterly.

Stevie:Yeah.

David:*phone buzzes*

Moira:*phone buzzes*

Stevie:*phone buzzes*

Alexis:A candle.

Alexis:Wait, so you got that symbol tattooed on you because...?

Friend:It's an ancient Egyptian hieroglyph! It means 'eternal life' or something.

Alexis:Or something? You put 'or something' permanently on your body?

Friend:Well, that's what the guy at the tattoo parlor said.

Alexis:The guy at the tattoo parlor. Right. Because that's where I would go for Egyptology expertise.

Moira:Play the next one.

David:This is my voicemail. I left myself a message.

Moira:Why would you do that?

David:Because I wanted to remember that everyone wanted to bail on the company.

David:So Alexis is the key to solving the escape room. The irony being that she couldn't figure out how to leave a country.

David:What does this mean? What are you saying?

Alexis:I'm saying that I thrive under pressure. I'm saying that chaos is my natural element.

David:You thrive under pressure? Alexis, you once cried because we ran out of oat milk.

Alexis:That was different.

Alexis:Maybe it died because it outgrew its pot. Like, metaphorically.

David:It died because you didn't water it.

Alexis:I'm like this plant. I've outgrown my pot and I need a bigger one.

David:Yes, well, the symbolism is not lost on me.

Alexis:I'm like this plant. I'm wilting. I need care and attention.

David:Yes, I understand the metaphor, Alexis. But if you could just tell me directly what you need, that would be great.

Moira:My husband's business acumen has been nothing short of perspicacious. His entrepreneurial endeavors have demonstrated a rather pellucid understanding of commercial machinations, and I must say, his fiscal prognostications have proven remarkably prescient. It's all very... quotidian, really.

Moira:Well, I just want to say that this moment is truly special, and I feel compelled to share some thoughts about the journey we've all been on together, the bonds we've formed, and the way life has a funny way of—

David:We specifically asked for no speeches.

Moira:I'd like to say a few words...

David:No.

David:Okay, I think we should probably start wrapping this up. We have an early morning tomorrow.

David:Wait, let me see those photos. These are terrible. This one is completely washed out, and this angle is deeply unflattering. We need to retake them.