The Maestro

Jerry:You know what I've realized? Coffee is everywhere. It's inescapable. You can't get away from it. I tried once. I went to a place with no coffee. You know where that is? Nowhere. It doesn't exist.

Jerry:You know what's amazing? Coffee is the only thing that's offered everywhere. You go to a gas station, they've got coffee. You go to a bank, they've got coffee. You go to a car dealership, they've got coffee. But you know what you don't see? You don't see a sign that says 'Free Tacos.' You don't see 'Complimentary Lasagna.' It's just coffee. Coffee is like the universal greeting. 'Hey, come on in, have some coffee.' Like coffee is the key to making people feel welcome. Nobody's ever said, 'I was having a terrible day, but then someone offered me a cup of coffee and everything changed.' Well, actually, that happens. That's the thing about coffee—it's just always there. Always.

Jerry:I go to a coffee shop, they ask me, 'Regular or decaf?' I say regular. Then they ask, 'Room for cream?' I say no. Then they ask, 'You want a lid?' No. Then they ask, 'You want a sleeve?' No! I don't want a sleeve! What am I doing, going mountaineering after this coffee?

Jerry:You know, I was thinking about how people offer you coffee. It's like the universal gesture of hospitality. 'Can I get you some coffee?' But what if it went too far?

Jerry:You're walking down the street, a guy stops you: 'Hey, you want some coffee?' You're in an elevator, the operator's got a pot: 'Coffee?' You're at the bank, the teller's brewing a fresh batch.

Jerry:But here's what really gets me - you go down into the subway, there's a guy working on the tracks, covered in dirt, rats running around, and he looks up at you and says, 'You want some coffee?'

Jerry:You ever notice how we treat coffee machines with so much respect? We walk up to them like they're important people. 'Good morning, coffee machine. How are you today?' We pat them on the side like they're our friend. 'There, there, you're doing a great job.' Meanwhile, we're yelling at our actual friends.

Jerry:You know, I bought a Mr. Coffee maker. But Mr. Coffee doesn't like me. He's very demanding. This morning he said, 'Hey, where's my filter? Where's my water? Show some respect!'

Jerry:Why would anyone buy canned fruit? It's already dead. You're paying money for something that's already given up.

George:It lasts longer.

Jerry:So does a tire. You gonna eat a tire?

George:No, no, Rabbi, you don't understand. I'm a *looser*. A looser. Like, my pants are loose.

Rabbi:Yes, yes, a loser. A real loser.

George:No! Looser! With two O's! I wear baggy clothing!

Jerry:With canned fruit, there's this whole process. You gotta find a can opener, you gotta get the thing open, juice goes everywhere, your hands get all sticky. It's a production. Fresh fruit? You just... grab it. That's it. Minimal effort. Maximum laziness.

George:Yeah, that's right, Jerry. Fruit. The answer to all of life's problems. Why didn't I think of that?

George:A discount? I'm not looking for a discount. I'm looking to pay full price.

George · Susan:I don't like it. It's red. It's too flashy. — Well, you could use a little flash. — All right, don't change me. Susan, don't change me.

Kramer:Posterity.

Scientific investigation of a coffee lid

Lawyer:You know, I think we have a very strong case here. All these coffee drinkers have the same complaint.

George:They do?

Lawyer:Well, they all drink coffee, don't they?

George:I hate shopping. It's the worst.

Susan:Oh George, I'm sure there are plenty of women who would love to go shopping with you.

Susan:Oh, that's great, George. Really great.

George:You know what? I don't think you mean that. I think you're being sarcastic.

Susan:I'm not being sarcastic.

George:Yes, you are. And I want you to stop it. Right now. No more sarcasm. Ever.

George:Name one.

Susan:What?

George:Name one thing I've done that's so terrible.

Susan:Oh my God, where do I even start?

George:Just name one!

Susan:You know what? I can't do this right now. Let's just go to dinner.

George:You know, that security guard has been standing there all day. His feet must be killing him. I mean, think about it - standing, standing, standing. All day long. My dogs are barking just thinking about it.

George:Wait a minute. You don't even care that the guy got killed? We're sitting in the dead man's seats and you're not even concerned?

Susan:George, it's not our fault.

George:But you have no emotion about it. No feeling. I'm sitting here next to a woman with no conscience, and I'm starting to think I don't even know you.

Jerry:I did nothing. I did absolutely nothing, and it was everything I thought it would be.

George:That's a stare!

Kramer:You know, a good lawyer can pick a jury of people who drink coffee. I mean, that's what a lawyer does.

Jerry:So Kramer wants to sue somebody now. He's very excited about it. He's like, 'I'm gonna get a lawyer, we're gonna file a deposition, we're gonna get a settlement.' I'm like, okay, buddy. You know what? Go ahead. Sue somebody. See what happens. You'll be in depositions for three years. You'll spend forty thousand dollars. And in the end, you'll get a check for two hundred bucks.

Kramer:Hey, that's a great word. Litigious.

Jerry:Yeah, it means prone to lawsuits.

Kramer:Well, I'm not litigious! I'm very litigious!

Kramer:My lawyer says I have a very strong case.

Kramer:He said, 'You're gonna win this thing.' I said, 'How do you know?' He said, 'Because I'm very good.'

Kramer:Hello, Bob Cobb.

Bob Cobb:It's just Bob.

Kramer:Oh, so you're not a cobb salad anymore?

Jerry:No, no, it's not Bob.

Other Character:It's Bobo.

Jerry:Bobo? Okay, Bobo.

Jerry:I'm thinking about getting a place in Tuscany.

Maestro:No, no, no. That's a terrible idea. You don't want to do that.

Kramer:Elaine, this is Bob Sacamano.

Kramer:I mean, Mr. Sacamano.

Elaine:Jinx!

Maestro:Jinx!

Elaine:You owe me a Coke!

Maestro:You owe me a Coke!

Elaine:Double jinx!

Maestro:Double jinx!

Elaine:Triple jinx!

Maestro:Triple jinx!

Jerry:Maestro? What are you, conducting an orchestra?

Kramer:Well, not exactly. I'm more of a... baton enthusiast.

Jerry:A baton enthusiast?

Kramer:Yeah, I wave it around at the high school band practice. They asked me to stop, but I keep showing up.

Kramer:You should see this guy conduct. He's like a man possessed. His arms are flailing all over the place. One minute he's up here, the next minute he's down there. And the music, it's like he's wrestling with it.

George:Is this shirt too flashy?

Jerry:Too flashy? I need sunglasses to look at you. I'm getting spots in my vision. I think you're giving me skin cancer.

George:The guy stands there all day long, looking at people. Judging them. I don't like being judged.

George:I'm a very sensitive person. I have a lot of feelings.

George:I can sense suffering.

Jerry:You're causing it.

George:You see how fast he got up? Like this! Like this!

Jerry:Yeah, yeah, we get it.

Kramer:I'll have a coffee. Make it really hot.

Bob Cobb/Maestro:I suppose it's okay for Leonard Bernstein to be called Maestro because he conducted the New York Philharmonic. So he gets to be called Maestro and I don't.

Maestro:You know, I'm like Leonard Bernstein. I have the same gift, the same vision, the same ability to inspire musicians.

Maestro:The only difference is he had a few more years of experience and happened to conduct the New York Philharmonic. But essentially, we're the same.

Kramer:You know, I studied under a great maestro once. Gave me all his secrets.

Jerry:Really? Who was that?

Kramer:Leonard Bernstein.

Jerry:Bernstein? The conductor?

Kramer:Yeah, I was in his building. We rode in the elevator together for three years.

Kramer:Yeah, my burns are healing up real nice with this Chinese balm.

Jerry:That's great, Kramer.

Kramer:Yeah, but now I got no evidence for my lawsuit.

George:These are nice chairs.

Security Guard:Yeah, they're comfortable.

George:You know, for a big guy, you really know how to sit.

George:You know, I'm very concerned about that security guard. He's been standing all day.

George:I think he should sit down. He looks tired.

George:You know what? I'm gonna get him a chair. This is important to me now.

Lawyer:You used the balm? You used the balm?!

Kramer:Yes, I used the balm.

Lawyer:How much? How much did you use?

Kramer:I don't know, some.

Lawyer:Some?! SOME?! Do you have any idea what you've done?

Jackie Chiles:You can't just go around putting this balm on people! Do you understand the liability? This balm could cause serious injury!

Jackie Chiles:I'm telling you, we need to contain this. Lock it up. Treat it like a controlled substance.

Jackie Chiles:For all we know, this balm could have unknown side effects. Spontaneous combustion! Organ failure!

Jackie Chiles:This is not something you fool around with. This is serious business.

Elaine:Maestro!

Jerry:What about me? I'm a comedian. Call me 'The Funny Man' or something!

Maestro:You know, nobody goes to Tuscany anymore.

Jerry:Why not?

Maestro:It's too crowded.

Jerry:Wait, so nobody goes there because it's too crowded? That's like saying 'nobody goes to that restaurant anymore, it's too popular.'

Java World Representative:We'd like to offer you a settlement of—

Kramer:I'll take it!

Java World Executive:All right, we'll start with 50,000 and free coffee at all of our stores.

George:I'm sorry, I can't use this chair. It's defective.

Store Employee:What's wrong with it?

George:The back is too high. It's uncomfortable.

Store Employee:You bought it three months ago.

George:I know, but I've been thinking about it, and I don't like it. I want to return it.

Jerry:I'm just looking for some information about renting a place in Tuscany.

Ciccio:Ah, Tuscany! Beautiful! I have a villa, very nice, very cheap. You want to see pictures? I can have you moved in by next week!

Jerry:No, I'm just asking—

Ciccio:What do you mean 'just asking'? You want the villa or not? I give you special price, very good deal. First month free!

Jerry:How much did you pay for the house?

Kramer:Eighty thousand.

Jerry:Eighty thousand?! Kramer, that's a fortune!

Kramer:Well, I got a good deal. The guy was very motivated.

Jerry:Motivated? Kramer, did you even get a home inspection?

Kramer:A what?

Kramer:Well, I'm out there Jerry, and I'm loving every minute of it!

Kramer:Look, Java World. Hey, listen, I'm getting out here. I'm gonna get myself a free café latte.

Bob Cobb/Maestro · Jerry · Elaine:The houses are passed down from generation to generation. It's very hard. — I can't get a sublet, a guest room, a cot, nothing? — It's booked solid. — It's booked, Jerry.

Jerry:Maybe I'll check out France.

Jerry · George:Get this, he tells me there are no houses anywhere in Tuscany to rent. — You renting a house in Tuscany? — No. — So, what do you care?

George · Jerry:Do you know how big Tuscany is? — I have no idea. — It's huge. It's probably like North Dakota. — Oh, no way it's that big. — It's a big region. — You know how big North Dakota is, stupid?

George · Jerry:Why do I bother talking to you? — There's no gun to your head.

George · Jerry:I think I'd go for the back. — Swivel? — I suppose he could swivel. — Maybe one of those director's chairs. — That's kind of a pompous look.

George · Jerry:My parents had a kitchen chair that would've been perfect. — One of those vinyl things? — Yes. — Vinyl, yeah. Maybe.

Jerry:Poppie told me to talk to his cousin. He lives down in Little Italy.

Kramer:You can't limit my café lattes. It says so right here. And no dirty looks. If I want a café latte, you give me a café latte. If I have any problems, I'll get my lawyer down here. You'll be in big trouble.

Kramer · Jerry:I feel like I'm talking a little faster. — You're racing.

George · Ross' employee:Just giving a chair to the security guard. — Did Mr. Ross tell you to do this?

George:I'm engaged to Mr. Ross' niece. I'll be taking over this whole place someday... so if I were you, I'd stay on my good side.

George · Security Guard:Well, here you go. What do you think? — Mr. Ross said this was okay? — I'm his nephew, all right? Don't worry about it. Go ahead. Check it out.

Security Guard:Not bad. Not bad at all. [Security guard settles into the chair]

Jerry · Ciccio:I'm Ciccio. — Poppie sent me to see you, Mr. Ciccio. — Si, si, Poppie.

Ciccio · Jerry:Two million lire. You give me the check. — No, I didn't actually want to rent it. I was just wondering if there were houses there to rent. [Ciccio pushes the keys across the table]

Jerry:No, see... I didn't say that I wanted to rent it. I was just wondering if there were houses there to rent.

Ciccio:[Ciccio points silently to the keys on the table]

Jerry · Bob Cobb/Maestro:It's been a rough couple of weeks. I really needed to get away. — I told you. — It's paradise. — You were right, Maestro.

Kramer · Jerry:Come on, Jerry, this guy's crazy. Get out. — I'm getting out. You didn't have to push me.

Kramer · Jerry:How much did you pay that guy? — Seventy-five thousand lire. — Seventy-five thousand lire? Are you out of your mind? — Kramer, you don't understand the conversion rate. The conversion rates.

Jerry · Kramer:I don't even know why I brought you. — Nobody put a gun to your head.