The Wink

Jerry:You know that moment when you first wake up and you don't know where you are? Your eyes are open but your brain is still asleep. You're like a newborn. You can't remember how to work your legs.

Jerry:You know what the snooze button is? It's the worst invention of all time. It's a monument to human weakness. It's like we looked at the alarm clock and said, 'You know what this needs? A button that lets me lie to myself.'

Jerry:Because that's what snoozing is — it's negotiating with reality. 'Okay, alarm, you got me up, but I'm not ready to be awake yet. How about nine more minutes where I can pretend I'm still asleep and you pretend you didn't go off?'

Jerry:You know what they should make? A 'Complete Pathetic Loser Kit.' It comes with a snooze alarm clock, a t-shirt with a picture of a snooze alarm clock on it, a poster of a snooze alarm clock, a mug with a snooze alarm clock, a pair of pajamas with little snooze alarm clocks all over it, and a video called 'How to Use Your Snooze Alarm Clock.'

James:Hi, I'd like to set up a wake-up call for tomorrow morning at 6 AM.

Wake-up Service Operator:Of course, sir. What's your room number?

James:412.

Wake-up Service Operator:Room 412... Well, I'll make sure to give you a personal wake-up call. Maybe I'll stay on the line a little longer than usual.

James:That's... that's not necessary.

Wake-up Service Operator:Oh, I insist. I have a feeling you're going to be one of my favorite calls.

Elaine:You know, when someone calls you first thing in the morning, it's very intimate. I mean, you're in bed, you're half-asleep, you're vulnerable. You're probably not even wearing...

Jerry:Whoa, whoa, whoa! We don't need to hear this!

George:Yeah, we get the idea.

George:I have a blind date tonight.

Elaine:A blind date? Well, at least you won't have to worry about her seeing you.

George:So what if you're blind and deaf? How do you know you're on a date?

Jerry:Well, someone's got to be holding your arm and talking really loud.

George:No, I'm serious. What constitutes a date? Is it the intention? The location? The mutual understanding?

Jerry:George, it's a date if two people agree to spend time together romantically.

George:But how would a blind, deaf person know that? They could be at a bus stop for all they know.

George:I'd rather date a deaf woman than a blind woman. You know why? Because if she can't hear me, at least she can see that the apartment is a mess. But if she's blind, she won't know the apartment is a mess, but she'll hear me complaining about it all the time.

Jerry:I'm for blind dates. I think blind dates are great. Because if a woman can't see you, there's still a chance she might like your personality.

George:Jerry, let me tell you something. You're sitting there fantasizing about these perfect blind dates, but in reality, you're going to show up, she's going to take one look at you, and spend the whole evening texting her friends about how she's being held hostage by some guy with a ridiculous shirt.

Jerry:So I'm eating this grapefruit, right? Very healthy. I'm being very responsible.

George:That's great, Jerry. Really great.

Jerry:I cut it in half, I'm squeezing it...

George:Uh, Jerry?

Jerry:What?

George:My eye! You squirted grapefruit in my eye!

Jerry:Oh my God, I'm sorry! Here, let me—

George:Don't touch me! This is what I get for encouraging your health kick!

Elaine:I can tell just by his voice that he's good-looking.

Jerry:What are you, a bat? You're using echolocation now?

Jerry:So you're telling me that 80% of women find 20% of men attractive? That means I'm in the 80% that nobody wants.

Elaine:That's not how statistics work.

Jerry:Oh really? Because the math checks out perfectly in my head, and it's very depressing.

Jerry:You want to know what it's like? Go to the DMV. That's what it's like. It's like a biblical disease colony there. I'm telling you, if they ever need a leper colony, they don't have to build anything new, they can just use the DMV waiting area.

Elaine:So let me get this straight. You've been dating for fifteen years, and in that time you've had sixty-three girlfriends. That means the average length of your relationships is about three months.

Jerry:Yeah, well, when you put it like that, it sounds bad.

Elaine:How do ugly people find love?

Jerry:Alcohol.

George:Pulp can't travel across the table like that.

Jerry:What are you talking about? Of course it can travel across the table. Pulp travels all the time.

George:Not that far.

Jerry:George, pulp is very mobile. It's one of the most mobile food substances there is. It's practically commuting.

George:I had an eye injury and everyone at work thought I was saying things wrong. I kept saying 'misterioso' instead of 'mysterious' and they all just went along with it.

Kramer:Hey there, Reggie!

Jerry:Reggie?

Kramer:Yeah, Reggie Jackson!

Elaine:What are you talking about?

Kramer:You're Betty! Betty Cooper!

George:And what does that make me?

Kramer:Archie! Archie Andrews!

Newman:You could sell all this Yankees memorabilia. You'd make a fortune.

George:Oh sure, Newman. And then what? I'll have nothing to live for.

Newman:Exactly.

Holly:So Jerry, what exactly do you eat?

Jerry:Well, you know, I eat... things that don't have a face.

Holly:Things that don't have a—

Jerry:Vegetables, fruits, grains...

Holly:So you're a...

Jerry:I prefer not to use labels.

Holly:It's just a word, Jerry.

Jerry:It's not *just* a word. It's a lifestyle choice that people judge you for.

Waiter:You want the salad?

Jerry:Yes, the salad.

Waiter:The salad. You're sure? Not the filet mignon? Not the ribeye? The salad.

George:Like I'm gonna risk my job with the New York Yankees to make a few extra bucks.

Jerry:Does ordering a salad emasculate me?

George:Of course it does. You might as well be wearing a dress and holding a pocketbook.

Jerry:I don't understand why ordering a salad makes you less of a man. It's a salad. You're eating vegetables.

George:Yeah! Exactly! I mean, what's the difference? A salad is food. Food is food.

Jerry:Right. But somehow in the male psyche, a salad is considered feminine.

George:That's ridiculous. I eat salads all the time.

Jerry:So what did you have for dinner at Holly's?

George:It was meat.

Jerry:Meat? What kind of meat?

George:Well, let's just say it came from an animal that had a lot of legs.

Jerry:I'm packing heat... straight to my arteries.

George:I wasn't winking! I have something in my eye!

Newman:Sure you do.

George:No, I'm serious! I got hit in the eye!

Newman:That's a likely story.

George:Why would I wink at you? What are we, in some kind of secret society?

Jerry:You know what? I'm eating this mutton. I'm eating it because I'm a man, and men eat meat. Red meat. Rare meat. The kind of meat that makes other animals nervous.

George:That's not healthy.

Jerry:I don't care. Real men don't worry about their arteries. We worry about important things. Like sports. And other men.

Kramer:Hey, I need that card back.

Bobby:No! I like it!

Kramer:Look, I'll make you a deal. I know a guy, a baseball player. I can get him to hit home runs on command. Any time you want — you just say the word.

Bobby:Really?

Kramer:Yeah, yeah. You want a home run? Boom! Home run. Every time.

Kramer:You know, I've been thinking about you. About your whole situation. And I just want to say, you're an inspiration to me.

Bobby:Yeah? Well, you got any baseball cards?

Jerry:This mutton is absolutely delicious! I'm in mutton heaven!

Jerry:Well, I like to think of myself as a man who can chew the fat... and literally chew the fat.

Elaine:Yeah, well, I'm out of here. And don't expect me back until you people learn to act like a normal family. This is insane!

Jerry:Elaine, wait—

Elaine:No, Jerry. I'm done. You all make me want to pull my hair out. Have fun with your mutton!

James:You could stay at my place.

Elaine:Oh, that's very kind of you.

James:Yeah, well, the thing is... I only have one bed.

Elaine:Oh.

James:But don't worry, I'm very small.

Elaine:Wait, so you're telling me you've been walking around with raw meat in your jacket pockets?

Jerry:Not raw meat, it was cooked mutton. And it was in napkins.

Elaine:Napkins?! Jerry, that's disgusting! Do you know what that means?

Jerry:What?

Elaine:That's why dogs have been chasing me! I've been near you!

Elaine:So I'm sleeping on the couch, and he's in the bed.

Jerry:Well, that's the way it should be. I mean, you got the back of the couch for support.

Kramer:I promised him I'd hit a home run.

Paul O'Neill:You can't just promise a kid you're gonna hit a home run. I've been playing professional baseball my whole life, and I can't guarantee I'm gonna hit a home run in any given at-bat.

Kramer:Well, I promised him.

Paul O'Neill:That's not how baseball works.

Kramer:You know, Babe Ruth promised he'd hit a home run, and he did it. He pointed to the bleachers and he did it.

O'Neill:Yeah, well, Babe Ruth also struck out. A lot. And he couldn't hit a curveball to save his life in his later years.

Bobby:He promised me two home runs! Where's my second one?

Jerry:The butcher was being so aloof with me.

Holly:Oh, that's just how butchers are. They're all like that.

Kramer:It's a triple! It's a triple with an error!

Bobby:No, it's not. A triple is when you hit the ball and reach third base safely. If there's an error, it's not a triple, it's a hit and an error.

Kramer:Well, what do you call it then?

Jerry:You know, it's funny you should mention that. I was at the doctor's office the other day, and he's telling me about this heart surgery procedure. And I'm thinking, 'Doc, I appreciate the concern, but I'm not ready to have someone cracking open my chest like a pork chop at a barbecue.'

Jerry:You know, these are the kinds of things that destroy civilizations. Not wars, not famine — napkins. It's always the napkins.

Kramer:I'm telling you, I can do it. I can hit a home run off Nolan Ryan.

Jerry:Kramer, Nolan Ryan throws 98 miles per hour.

Kramer:So? I've got quick reflexes.

George:You can't even catch a ball that's thrown to you.

Kramer:That's different. This is baseball.

Elaine:Kramer, you haven't played baseball since high school.

Kramer:Exactly. I'm due.

Jerry:So let me get this straight. You're telling me that my grandmother's linen napkins - the ones she brought from the old country - are now dog bandanas?

Kramer:Not bandanas, Jerry. Collar accessories. Very fashionable.

Jerry:How did this even happen?

George:I may have put some pastrami in my pocket...

Jerry:You put meat in your pocket?

George:I was saving it for later! Your dog smelled it, went crazy, and just... destroyed everything.

Jerry:My dog destroyed priceless heirlooms because you can't use a plate like a normal person?

Steinbrenner:Costanza, this mounted birthday card for Joe Morgan is brilliant. You really went the extra mile.

George:Thank you, sir. I thought it showed real class.

Steinbrenner:You know what this tells me? Morgan respects you. He respects the organization. That's why he didn't show up to the party.

George:He's making a statement.

George:Yeah, well, you know, Mr. Steinbrenner, I appreciate that. But honestly, the last thing I need is to be noticed. I've spent my entire life trying not to be noticed. Do you know how hard I've worked to fade into the background? And now you're telling me I'm finally going to get recognition? This is a nightmare.

Steinbrenner:I've fired a lot of people. Let me see... there's Billy Martin, Billy Martin again, Billy Martin a third time, Billy Martin for the fourth time, and Billy Martin once more.

Jerry:I wish I could take credit for it. It's a line my butcher uses when we're chewing the fat.

Elaine:What'd you do, ransack the place after she died?

Elaine:God forbid I should borrow one from Holly. It might have belonged to Grandma Mema.

Elaine:Thanks for mutton.

Elaine:Elaine being chased through the streets by James's dogs, unable to get a cab

James:I'd ask you to stay tonight, but I only have the sofa bed, and it's where I sleep.

James · Elaine:We'll have to sleep head-to-toe. — Head-to-toe? — Head-to-toe.

James · Elaine:James oversleeping because Elaine kicked him in the face all night — visual aftermath

Elaine · James:It's 8:30! — You were supposed to wake me up at 7:15. — I'm sorry. I didn't get any sleep. You kept kicking me in the face. — You're a wake-up guy. Don't you have calls to make? — I'll make 'em later.

Mr. Wilhelm · George:He's not here? — No, he's late again. — I got him a wake-up service. — Don't cover for him anymore. He'll be gone soon, and I'm gonna recommend you for his job.

Jerry:Sounds like all that winking got you a promotion.

George:I don't want Morgan's job. He's got a lot of work to do.

Jerry · Elaine:Because they were in the pockets of my jacket. — They were? — Yes. — I was using them to spit out the mutton.

Elaine · Jerry:I was almost mauled because of that mutton! — What exactly is mutton? — I don't know and I didn't want to find out.

Elaine:Yeah, but we reversed positions, so there was no funny business.

Jerry:Reversed positions? Head-to-toe? So what? Your genitals are still lined up.

Elaine:No, because I slept with my back to him.

Kramer · Paul O'Neill:Mr. O'Neill? — Yeah. — Look, you don't know me... — I can give you an autograph, but my pen's screwed up. You'll probably only get, like, half a P or something.

Paul O'Neill · Kramer:You promised a kid in the hospital I'd hit two home runs? — Yeah. What, no good? — It's terrible. You don't hit home runs like that. It's hard. And where did you get two from? — Well, two is better than one.

Kramer · Paul O'Neill:Babe Ruth did it. — He did not. — You're saying Babe Ruth was a liar? — No, but he wasn't stupid enough to promise two.

Kramer:Maybe I did overextend myself.

Kramer · Bobby:Bobby, can I have some of your juice? — After Paul O'Neill hits his first home run.

Kramer:One more to go! [Kramer's jubilation as O'Neill hits the first home run]

Kramer · Bobby:Bobby, it's very hard to hit two home runs in one game. Even for Paul O'Neill. — He can do it, Mr. Kramer. — I know he can. He'll do it for me.

Radio Announcer · Kramer · Bobby:O'Neill is safe at home. Inside-the-park home run! — He did it! He did it! — That's being scored a triple for Paul O'Neill, with a throwing error charged to Martinez.

Bobby · Kramer:That's not a home run. — Well, maybe not technically, but... — You said he could hit two home runs. Come on, give me that.

George:I usually like mine with an angioplasty.

Elaine · Holly:What is everyone doing here? / What everyone does here: Cooking pork chops.

Holly · Jerry:I bet he acted all aloof like he didn't know me. — A little. — That is so Franco.

Jerry:We could argue all night over who took the napkins, but in today's modern world, it just doesn't seem relevant.

Steinbrenner:George, by the way, tomorrow night, Paul O'Neill has to catch a fly ball in his hat.

Steinbrenner:George, this is beautiful! Why didn't you tell me you were gonna have it mounted like this? You were probably just gonna stick it in an envelope.

Morgan:Well, you screwed me again, Costanza. How am I supposed to sign the card now? It's already under glass.

Elaine · James · Holly:Hi, James. — Oh, this is, um, Holly... — Excuse me. What are those dogs wearing? — Bandannas. — Aren't they cute?

James · Holly · Jerry:The dogs did that [to the jacket], but it wasn't their fault. Somebody stuffed some strange meat in the pockets. — Was it mutton? — Could have been. — You always stuff meat in your pockets? — Uh... sometimes I use the sofa.

Holly · Jerry:You always stuff meat in your pockets? / Uh... sometimes I use the sofa.

Steinbrenner · George:George is summoned to Steinbrenner's office and given Morgan's job; Steinbrenner's list of fired managers: Yogi Berra, Lou Piniella, Bucky Dent, Billy Martin [x4], Dallas Green, Dick Hauser, Bill Virdon, Stump Merrill, Bob Lemon, Gene Michael, Buck Showalter...

Steinbrenner · George:...Gene Michael, Buck Showalter... — Uh, George! — You didn't hear that from me. — George?