The Hot Tub

Jerry:They always ask the silver medalist, 'So, how does it feel to come in second?' What do you think it feels like? 'Well, it feels like I came in second.' They're always looking for some kind of profound wisdom from these guys.

Jerry:And they always say the same thing: 'Well, I was only off by hundredths of a second.' Hundredths of a second! That's nothing! That's like if I said to you, 'I was off by a hundredth of a second today,' you'd be like, 'What are you talking about? You're late, you're early, nobody cares about a hundredth of a second.'

Jerry:But the next Olympics they'll be like, 'He was off by thousandths of a second.' Thousandths! Soon it'll be millionths. 'I was off by a millionth of a second!' At what point do you just call it a tie?

Jerry:A pimple as the difference between gold and silver

George:"You're the only man who can wear this shirt. It's made from a fabric that doesn't exist yet. We invented it just for you. It's waterproof, windproof, and it makes you invisible to predators. You'll be hiking through the woods, and a bear will walk right past you because he won't even know you're there. You could be standing right next to him, and he'll think you're a tree. A very fashionable tree."

George:It's not a lie if you believe it.

Jerry:So how do you appear busy when you're not?

George:It's a good question. I just make my face look annoyed all the time.

George:You know, I furrow my brow, I walk around the office like I'm looking for something.

George:If someone stops me, I just say 'Ah, I'm looking for you.' It doesn't matter who it is.

George:It's not a lie if you believe it.

George:If you look annoyed all the time, people will think you're busy and important.

Jerry:He's right. Look at him, he looks annoyed.

Elaine:He does look annoyed.

Elaine:He's Trinidadian... Tobagonian?

Jerry:Well, you oversleep, so you set your alarm an hour earlier. Then you oversleep that, so you set another alarm. Then you need a backup alarm, so you get a clock radio. Then you need a backup for that, so you get one of those wind-up clocks. Then you're still late, so you start bribing children to wake you up.

Elaine:I have no responsibility for the runner.

Jerry:You sent her out there.

Elaine:So? I send lots of people out. I'm not responsible for what they do.

Elaine:Wait, don't tell me, I don't want to know.

Judy:But you have to hear this!

Elaine:No, really, I can't know this. It's not fair to the person.

Judy:Fine, fine. I won't say anything.

Elaine:Thank you. I appreciate that.

Elaine:...So what is it?

Jerry:My money's on the snooze. I bet he hit the snooze for an extra five, and it never came back on.

Jerry:So you're not using an alarm clock?

Kramer:No, I don't need one. I just wake up naturally.

Jerry:You wake up naturally? Every single day at the same time?

Kramer:Well, I have a system. I eat a big bowl of cereal before bed, and when my body processes it, I wake up.

Jerry:That's not a system, that's a digestive event.

Kramer:It works!

Kramer:You see, the human body is like a finely tuned machine. And my brain, it's got this internal clock, see? It's all about the circadian rhythms and the pineal gland. I read about it in a book. At a certain time, my brain just releases this chemical, and boom—I'm awake. No alarm clock needed.

Kramer:Yeah, I got this hot tub with all the jets, you know, for the accusage. It's incredible!

Jerry:Wait, didn't you get scalded by that water?

Kramer:Yeah, but I'm back now.

Elaine:What is he doing with a bucket?

Jerry:I don't know, something about his hot tub.

Elaine:Of course. Of course it's about his hot tub.

Jerry:So you overslept.

Jean-Paul:Yeah.

Jerry:By how much?

Jean-Paul:Three hours.

Jerry:Three hours. Well, that's... that's quite a nap.

Jerry:You have writer's block? That's like a plumber having... no water.

Elaine:Oh, that's great, Jerry. That really helps. Why don't you go practice your tight five and leave me alone?

Jean-Paul:The alarm, it is too loud! Why would they make it so loud? It is a design flaw, a terrible design flaw! Who needs an alarm that sounds like a emergency siren? I am not a fireman! I just want to wake up, not have a heart attack!

Jerry:Elaine, your alarm clock doesn't work. You're always late.

Elaine:It does work! It works fine!

Jerry:You've been late every single day this week.

Elaine:That's not the clock's fault. That's my fault.

George:I can't figure out this clue. 'A feline animal, four letters.'

Kramer:Cat! It's cat!

George:I know it's cat, Kramer. I'm trying to do the crossword.

Wilhelm:George, you work too hard. I'm giving you a fun assignment.

George:Fun? What kind of fun?

Wilhelm:I want you to come up with a marketing slogan for the new line of brassieres.

Kramer:So how was the hot tub?

Jean-Paul:It was great!

Kramer:Yeah?

Jean-Paul:It was fantastic!

Kramer:Uh-huh?

Jean-Paul:It was the soak of the year!

Elaine:Don't say anything.

Jerry:I wasn't going to say anything.

Elaine:Good.

Kramer:You should use the hot tub.

Jerry:A hot tub? That's just a human bacteria frappe.

Kramer:I'm sitting in the hot tub, the windows are open, it's snowing outside, and I'm thinking to myself, 'This is living.' And then I thought, 'You know what? The Swedish people, they got it figured out.'

Houston Astros rep:Their casual use of profanity as terms of endearment

Houston Astros rep:The threatening language that's meant to be friendly

George:A big drinker? No, no, I wouldn't say I'm a big drinker. I mean, I like a cocktail, sure. But big? That's not... that's not me.

Jerry:I'm a little concerned about Elaine.

Jerry:I think she's losing it.

Jerry:You gotta talk to her. She listens to you.

Jerry:You gotta tell her to get help. Professional help.

Jerry:You know what I love about wake-up calls? The operators. These people are amazing. They're like the most reliable humans on the planet. You call them up at night, you say 'I need you to call me at 6:30 in the morning,' and they're like 'Done. Consider it done.' And they mean it! They have this thing, this thing where they actually remember. They write it down, they set an alarm, they're sitting there at 6:29 going 'Okay, 6:30, I'm calling Jerry.'

George:What do you want from me? It's baseball! Everybody calls everybody sons of bitches in baseball. That's the whole thing about baseball!

George:You know, baseball people, they got their own way of talking. Like, instead of saying 'hello,' they say 'hey there, chief.' Instead of 'how are you,' it's 'how's it hanging?' And instead of 'excuse me,' it's... well, let's just say it involves a lot of colorful language that I can't repeat in polite company.

Kramer:I'm freezing! I went from a relaxing hot tub to a freezing cold trap!

Kramer:My core temperature is dropping.

Jerry:What are you talking about? Your hand is like ice!

Kramer:I know, I know.

Jerry:¡Ay, Dios mío!

Clayton:Hello? Yes, this is Clayton. The Astros? Great! Where are you guys calling from?

Astros Rep:We're calling from Houston.

Clayton:Houston? What the f*** are you doing in Houston?

George:Hello? Yeah, yeah, I'm listening.

George:What do you mean 'what am I doing?' I'm on the phone with you!

George:Oh, so now I'm the problem? That's rich. That's real rich.

George:You know what? You're being very defensive right now. Very defensive.

George:Don't you dare hang up on me! Don't you DARE!

George · Jerry:Hey, so how was the meeting? — I really like those sons of bitches. — Sons of bitches? — Yeah. That's how they talk. You know, everyone's a bastard or a son of a bitch. — Really? — Yeah. That's how they talk in the major league. — Oh, boy.

Kramer:Hey there, little guy. You know what? You're a real Houston Astros fan, aren't you? That's right, you're gonna grow up and be a big, strong... *expletive*... *expletive*... *expletive*!

Kramer:What? I was just being friendly! Those are terms of endearment!

Kramer:Yeah, I got this new heat pump. It's got a 16.2 SEER rating, variable speed compressor, and it maintains a consistent 68 degrees within a half-degree variance. It's beautiful.

Jerry:This is very important. I need you to make sure you call me at 6 AM sharp. It's critical.

Wake-up call operator:Sir, I've been doing this job for fifteen years. I've never missed a call.

Jerry:I'm sure you're very good, but this is really important.

Wake-up call operator:You know what? Forget it. I don't need this. Find someone else to call you.

Jerry:You know, I'm starting to think this operator has it out for me. I mean, why else would she keep giving me the wrong time? She's doing it on purpose.

Jerry:I'm telling you, she's sitting there in some office somewhere, just waiting for my call. 'Oh, there's Jerry again. Let me give him 4:30 instead of 7:30. That'll really mess him up.'

Jerry:What did I ever do to her? Nothing! I was polite, I was courteous. But no, that's not good enough. She wants revenge. She wants to watch me suffer.

Jerry:You know what? I can wake up whenever I want. I have an internal clock.

Jean-Paul:Really?

Jerry:Yeah, I can go to bed at night, and I can just say to myself, 'I want to wake up at 6:30,' and boom - I wake up at 6:30.

Jean-Paul:That's incredible.

Jerry:So you could've set your internal clock for 6 in the morning, and you would've been at the Olympics.

Elaine:I'm walking down the street. My hair is perfect. I'm wearing a beautiful dress. The sun is hitting me just right. A man walks past me and does a double-take. Another man drops his briefcase. A woman stops dead in her tracks. I'm not doing anything. I'm just... existing. And somehow, I'm the most interesting thing happening in New York City right now. Although, knowing my luck, I'll probably trip on a curb in about three seconds.

Elaine:The bastard. A timeless figure in literature and art. From the great works of Alexandre Dumas to the modern sensibilities of our era. The bastard represents something primal, something raw. Something that cannot be denied, yet cannot be fully accepted. And now, in our collection this season, we celebrate the bastard in all its forms. Because sometimes, the bastard is not just a social outcast. Sometimes, the bastard is a way of life.

Elaine:I found my catalogue story.

Jerry:I'm setting my alarm for 6 AM. I'm going to wake up, shower, get dressed, and be out the door by 6:45.

Jean-Paul:That's a good plan.

Jerry:I know it is. I've thought this through.

Jerry:The next morning, there's a power outage. My alarm never goes off. I sleep until noon.

Jean-Paul:I missed another race!

Jerry:What do you mean you missed it? It was on TV.

Jean-Paul:I don't care! I should have been there!

Jerry:What happened to your mental alarm?

Kramer:It didn't go off.

Steinbrenner:You know what your problem is, George? You crack under pressure. Me? I thrive under pressure. I'm a machine. Nothing gets to me. I once made a decision that cost the Yankees three million dollars because I sneezed during a conference call and didn't hear what anyone said. Did I crack? No. I just went with my gut. That's what separates the men from the boys in this business.

Steinbrenner:Costanza, you're all wound up. You need to relax. You know what you should do? You should get yourself a nice little hobby. Something to take your mind off things.

George:A hobby?

Steinbrenner:Yeah, like dating. I find that being around women really helps me unwind.

Steinbrenner:I'm very particular about my screwdrivers. I like a good Phillips head, you know? Really gets in there and turns it just right. Sometimes I'll spend hours working the shaft, getting it nice and smooth. The grip has to be perfect - firm but not too tight. And when you finally get that screw all the way in, there's a real sense of satisfaction.

Steinbrenner:You know, Mickey Mantle died.

Steinbrenner:I was at his funeral. I think he probably didn't like me very much.

Kramer:I feel much better here at my home base, Jean-Paul. It's a controlled environment.

Kramer:Hey, believe me, if I had been with you there in Barcelona, you'd be polishing that medal right now.

Kramer:Listen, do me a favour, set your mental alarm for 6:30 and give me a call.

Kramer · Elaine:Done. — He's put his faith in you. He's put his faith in you.

Elaine:I'm exhausted. I've been on this street 1000 times. It's never looked so strange. The faces, so cold. In the distance, a child is crying. Fatherless. A bastard child, perhaps. My back aches. My heart aches, but my feet... My feet are resilient. Thank God I took off my heels and put on my... Himalayan walking shoes!

Kramer:4:02? — [Kramer wakes up at 4:02 AM and realizes his mental alarm has failed] — 8:47? Jean-Paul! Wake up, wake up!

Elaine · Kramer:What happened to your mental alarm? — Well, I guess I hit the snooze.

Jerry:Make way. Watch out. I've got a runner here. Get out of the way. Make way, make way. Make way, he's a contender.

Jean-Paul:You're a wonderful driver. Fantastic route, man.

Steinbrenner · George:Word has it you've been cracking under the pressure. Can't cope, can't stand the heat. Spit the bit. — Mr. Steinbrenner, I can explain... — We all get a little cuckoo. I used to be like you. Berating personnel, calling managers on the field during a game. Threatening to move the team to New Jersey to upset people.

Steinbrenner:Then I found a way to relax. I've got two words to say to you, George. Hot tub.

Jerry:You should check with the rabbi.

Jerry · Elaine:Jerry suggests Judy (the secret-keeping neighbor) may have told the baby gossip to the rabbi. Elaine: 'You want some hot tea?'

Steinbrenner:I get my wife to stick her thumb right in there like a screwdriver. The Phillips head, not the flat one. Oh, God, those flat ones frustrate me. You got it in, but it slips out. Put it in again, it slips out again.

Steinbrenner:You wanna get something wild going on in your life, get a girl and bring her in one of these. It's like four shots of Wild Turkey. She'll think you're Hopalong Cassidy.

Steinbrenner:Terrible about that Mickey Mantle, wasn't it? You know, we used to talk. I don't think he liked me very much.