The Strike

Jerry:Converting is easy when you don't have to deal with Jewish parents

Jerry:Whatley's throwing a Hanukkah party. It's like Studio 54, but with Jewish people.

Elaine:So I give them 555-1212, but I change one digit so they can never reach me.

Jerry:Which digit?

Elaine:Like, if it's 555-1212, I'll give them 555-1213.

Jerry:But that's only one digit different. They could just try different numbers.

Elaine:Well... I... yeah... I guess they could...

Denim Vest Guy:Hey, how fast do you run? Because you just made my heart sprint.

Jerry:That's a nice denim vest.

Denim Vest guy:Thanks. It's got snaps, not buttons.

Jerry:Snaps? What's the difference?

Denim Vest guy:Snaps are better. Buttons can come undone. Snaps stay.

Jerry:So how'd it go with that woman from the coffee shop?

Kramer:Oh, it was fantastic. I had the most incredible meal of my life.

Jerry:Wait, what? I asked about the woman.

Kramer:Yeah, yeah, that too. But Jerry, the bread alone...

George:I'm not sick. I'm just taking a mental health day.

Boss:George, you've taken six mental health days this month.

George:Well, my mental health is very poor.

Boss:You know what? We're changing the company motto. It's now: 'We don't care, and we don't want to know.'

George:A missing person flyer? How am I supposed to help? I can barely find my keys.

George:They made a donation to a charity in my name? What am I, the March of Dimes?

George:I give a gift, I expect a gift back. That's how it works. But a donation? That's like saying 'George, you're not worth an actual present, so we're going to help poor people instead.'

George:I'm offended. I'm genuinely offended.

Kramer:You know, I got this loyalty card at the sandwich place. You buy nine sandwiches, you get the tenth one free.

Jerry:That's great. So what's the problem?

Kramer:Well, I'm not sure I can commit to nine sandwiches at one place. What if I want to go somewhere else?

Jerry:It's a sandwich, Kramer, not a relationship.

Kramer:Yeah, but what if they discontinue my favorite? Then I'm stuck with eight stamps and nowhere to go.

Frank Costanza:George! A holiday card!

George Costanza:It's not a real holiday, Frank. I made it up.

Frank Costanza:Made it up? What do you mean you made it up?

George Costanza:I invented a holiday. It's called Festivus.

Frank Costanza:Festivus? Why would you make up a holiday?

George Costanza:Because I wanted to create something that celebrated our beliefs. No tinsel, no lights, just a pole.

Jerry:Frank's solution to commercialism was creating his own holiday.

Jerry:Everything about George suddenly makes sense.

Elaine:Oh no! I lost my sub card! I had eight stamps on it!

Elaine:Wait... I gave it to that guy with the fake number. I can't believe I gave away my valuable card with the fake number.

Elaine:I'm committed to this submarine sandwich. I don't care if it's terrible. I'm eating the whole thing.

Elaine:It's like a movie. You're sitting there, it's a bad movie, but you've already paid for the ticket, so you stay and watch the whole thing.

Kramer:Wait, wait, wait. Cloning? I saw that on TV. That's a magic trick!

Kramer:Yeah, I went back to work at the bagel shop.

Jerry:You went back to work?

Kramer:Yeah, they took me back. I'm making bagels again.

Jerry:You're making bagels? After the strike?

Kramer:Well, yeah, what did you think I was gonna do?

Jerry:I don't know, I thought you'd... I don't know what I thought.

Kramer:Yeah, we're on strike. We've been on strike for three years.

Jerry:Three years? What are you striking for?

Kramer:A fair wage for bagel workers.

Jerry:Kramer, you don't work at a bagel shop.

Kramer:I'm on strike in solidarity. It's the principle of the thing.

Kramer:You see, the problem with the strike was bathroom access. Once they let us use the bathroom, the whole thing fell apart. Union solidarity? Forget about it. You give a man a place to relieve himself, he's gonna cross that picket line every time.

Kramer:Yeah, well the strike demands were met. We got everything we wanted.

Jerry:What are you talking about?

Kramer:The minimum wage just went up fifty cents an hour.

Jerry:And you think you had something to do with that?

Kramer:I'm pretty sure that was us.

Kramer:I'm back to work.

Manager:Kramer, you've been on strike for 12 years. Everyone else has moved on with their lives.

Kramer:Well, I'm the only one who didn't move on with my life.

Kramer:I'm gonna go bagel some schmears.

Kramer:A raisin bagel? Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

Kramer:These pretzels are making me thirsty... Wait, no. A raisin bagel. It's genius. It's like someone took a regular bagel and said, 'You know what this needs? Raisins.'

Manager:Elaine! Welcome back.

Elaine:Thanks, I'll have a bagel with cream cheese.

Manager:Sure thing. That'll be $3.50.

Elaine:Actually, I need to give you my new number.

Manager:Oh no. Not again. Last time you gave me a fake number, my wife thought I was cheating.

Elaine:That was one time!

Manager:Word travels fast in this neighborhood, Elaine. I'm not interested.

Bagel Shop Manager:You know, we don't appreciate your attitude around here.

Bagel Shop Worker:Yeah, we're men. Real men.

Bagel Shop Manager:We do hard work. We lift heavy things.

Bagel Shop Worker:We're not just some bagel-slicing wimps!

Manager:So you're finally giving me your real number?

Elaine:Yes, here it is.

Manager:Great! I'm gonna use this for my bookie.

Jerry:I don't know, I'm thinking about breaking up with her.

George:Breaking up? What did she do?

Jerry:Nothing, that's the problem. There's no spark anymore.

George:No spark? So you want her to catch on fire?

George:The organization... The Bizzaro Jerry Foundation.

George:We take people... and we help them.

George:We help them... help themselves.

Jerry:The Bizzaro Jerry foundation. You know, George, that's actually brilliant. It's stupid, but it's brilliant.

Kramer:Even homeless people reject these bagels, and they're sophisticated testers

Frank:Festivus for the rest of us!

Jerry:So your father invented a holiday?

Frank:That's right. I was tired of all the commercial Christmas nonsense, so I created a holiday of my own. Festivus.

Jerry:What do you do on Festivus?

Frank:We gather around the aluminum pole. No tinsel. I find tinsel distracting.

Jerry:An aluminum pole?

Frank:Very high strength-to-weight ratio.

Frank Costanza:I got the idea for Festivus after I got in a fight over a doll at a toy store.

Frank Costanza:A woman grabbed it from my hands. It was the last one they had.

Frank Costanza:As I was lying on the ground, blood gushing out of my nose, I thought, 'There's got to be a better way.'

Frank Costanza:That's when I came up with Festivus, a holiday for the rest of us.

Kramer:So what happened to it?

Frank:It got destroyed.

Kramer:Destroyed? How?

Frank:I was doing the festivus pole dance and I kicked it right through the window.

Kramer:Oh no!

Frank:But you know, out of destruction comes creation. It's like a phoenix rising from the ashes. Now I'm making a new one, even better than before.

Frank Costanza:I got it! Instead of all these phony holidays, I came up with a new holiday. It's called Festivus.

Frank Costanza:Festivus. For the rest of us!

Kramer:This doll, it's not just a doll. It's a symbol of something.

Frank:Yeah... yeah, I know what you mean.

Frank Costanza:Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. As we fought for the doll, he dropped it. It broke. There was no money for a replacement. So I just told my son that Festivus was a holiday for the rest of us.

Frank Costanza:The holidays can be a very disturbing time. At least that's what I find. Instead of all the commercials and the Santas and all that, I just want to take this time to air my grievances.

Frank Costanza:I got a bare aluminum pole. Tinsel is distracting.

Frank Costanza:No Festivus tree — instead, an aluminium pole. 'Requires no decoration. I find tinsel distracting.'

Kramer:I want Festivus off.

Manager:Festivus? What is that?

Kramer:It's a holiday. I need the day off to celebrate it.

Manager:I've never heard of it. It's not a real holiday.

Kramer:Well, I'm going to strike to establish my right to celebrate made-up holidays.

Jerry:You know, it's like people are novelty baseball cards. When you first get them, they're in perfect condition, worth a lot of money. But then you bend them, write on them, throw them around... by the time you're done with them, they're worthless. People are the same way. You meet someone, they're in mint condition. But after a while, you bend them, write on them, throw them around... suddenly they're not worth anything anymore.

Jerry:It's like baseball cards. You know, some cards are worth more because of the picture. Like, a '52 Mantle in mint condition is worth thousands. But a '52 Mantle where he's making a funny face? That's worth nothing. So women are like that too. You get different versions.

George:Marriage.

George:I don't have a shirt with cufflinks.

George:So I'm just gonna wear the cufflinks on my regular shirt.

George:I'll poke two holes in it.

Frank:You're pathetic! You couldn't even get a decent job!

Estelle:Frank, leave him alone!

Frank:Stay out of this, Estelle! The boy is a disappointment!

Estelle:He's doing the best he can!

Elaine:I want a sub with no mayo, extra pickles, and the bread has to be fresh. Not yesterday's bread.

Manager:Lady, it's a submarine sandwich, not a heart transplant.

Elaine:Well, I have standards.

Manager:You know what? You've earned this terrible sub. Congratulations.

Kramer:He's escalated from strike to sabotage

George:You know, I've been thinking about doing some charity work.

Jerry:That's great, George.

George:Yeah, I could volunteer, help people in need. I'd be a volunteer... aggressive volunteer.

Jerry:Aggressive volunteer?

George:Yeah, I show up at people's houses. 'You need help? You're getting help whether you like it or not!'

George:You know what I realized? Charity is the ultimate power trip. You give someone money, suddenly you own them. They owe you forever. It's brilliant.

George:I'm thinking of starting my own charity. 'The George Costanza Foundation for People Who Owe Me Money.' I give them a thousand bucks, they're indebted to me for life.

George:That's not charity, George, that's a loan shark operation.

George:Potato, potahto. Either way, I'm helping people AND establishing dominance. It's a win-win.

Kramer:Giddy-up!

Kramer:Oh wait, I know you. You're that woman from the coffee shop.

Gwen:Yes, I come in there all the time.

Kramer:Yeah, well you look different.

Gwen:Different how?

Kramer:I don't know, you just look... different. Did you do something to your hair?

Gwen:No.

Kramer:Your face?

Gwen:No!

Kramer:Well, something's different. You look like you gained some weight.

Kramer:He's a male bimbo. Think about it, he goes out with women, he has sex with them, he doesn't really care about them.

Kramer:Blimey!

George:I can't donate to that charity. I'm observing Festivus.

Jerry:Festivus? George, that's not even a real holiday.

George:It is to me. And according to Festivus, all money must be redirected to the Festivus pole.

Jerry:There is no Festivus pole charity.

George:Then I guess I'm keeping the money.

George:We're being persecuted. My people, we're being persecuted.

George:You know, the Latvians in Queens. We have a very important holiday coming up. Festivus.

George:And I'm not allowed to observe it at work. This is persecution.

Frank:I got a very big surprise for you. It's outside in the garage.

Frank:Behold! The Festivus pole.

George:What is that?

Frank:It's a Festivus pole. Many Festivus poles are adorned with silver, but I have chosen to omit the tinsel. I find tinsel distracting.

Frank:As for the rest of your Festivus decorations, I've decided to save the Festivus tree for next year. Instead, I've decided to focus on the pole, since that is the true center of Festivus.

Manager:You're not going to believe this. The bagel guy, the cream cheese guy, and the lox guy all showed up at the same dinner party.

Employee:That's impossible.

Manager:I know! It's like the three wise men. It's a miracle!

Frank Costanza:I got a lot of problems with you people, and now you're gonna hear about it!

Frank:You're incompetent! You couldn't run a... a... what was I saying?

Frank:You look like you've been dragged through a car wash.

Gwen:I just came from a steam bath. That's why I look like this.

Kramer:I got a tip on a horse.

Manager:Yeah? What is it?

Kramer:The horse died.

Frank Costanza:We have a challenger for The Feats of Strength!

Frank Costanza:Cosmo Kramer!

Kramer:Oh, I'm ready, Frank.

Manager:So what is this Festivus thing anyway?

George:It's a holiday for the rest of us.

Manager:A holiday? What do you do?

George:Well, we gather around the aluminum pole, air our grievances, and then we have feats of strength.

Manager:An aluminum pole? Air your grievances? That's... that's quite unconventional.

Frank:You know, we're not gonna have a Festivus until we have the feats of strength.

George:Dad, I'm not doing feats of strength today.

Frank:The holiday doesn't end until you pin me!

Estelle:Go ahead, hit him!

George:I'm not gonna hit my father.

Estelle:Hit him! He's right there!

Frank:Yeah, let's go!

Estelle:Come on, George, hit him!

Frank Costanza:We're living in a SOCIETY! We're supposed to act in a CERTAIN WAY!

Frank Costanza:This is what it's all about! This is what I've been missing my whole life!

Frank Costanza · George · Kramer:Have you seen the pole? / No, he doesn't need to see the pole. / He's gonna see it.

Kruger:Yamahama. [Kruger sees the pole]

Frank Costanza · Kruger:It's made from aluminium. Very high strength-to-weight ratio. / I find your belief system fascinating.

H&H Worker:Damnedest thing. Me and Charlie were calling to ask you out, and we got this bagel place. I told them I was just about to see you. It's a Festivus miracle.

Elaine · H&H Worker:Dr. Van Nostrand. / Oh, that's right.

Frank Costanza:I got a lot of problems with you people, and now you're gonna hear about it.

Frank Costanza · Kruger · George:Yo, Kruger. My son tells me your company stinks. / Oh, God.

Frank Costanza:You couldn't smooth a silk sheet if you had a hot date with a babe... I lost my train of thought.

Gwen · Jerry · H&H Worker:Jerry. / Gwen? / How did you know I was here? / Kramer told me. / Another Festivus miracle.

Kramer:I guess this is the ugly girl I've been hearing about.

Gwen:Hey, I was in a shvitz for six hours. Give me a break.

Jerry:Bad lighting on the porch.

Jerry:Bad porch lighting after Gwen storms out: 'Bad lighting on the porch.'

H&H Worker · Jerry (or Elaine):Hey, how did my horse do? / He had to be shot.

Kramer · Frank Costanza:Festivus feats of strength: Frank announces Kramer will do them. Kramer: 'Oh gee, Frank, I'm sorry. I have to work a double shift at H & H.' 'I thought you were on strike.' 'Yeah, well, I caved. I mean, I really had to use their bathroom.'

Frank Costanza · Kramer:This year the honour goes to Mr. Kramer. / Oh, gee, Frank, I'm sorry. I gotta go. I have to work a double shift at H & H. / I thought you were on strike. / Yeah, well, I caved. I mean, I really had to use their bathroom.

Kramer:Frank, no offence, but this holiday's a little... out there.

Frank Costanza · Kruger:Who's gonna do the feats of strength? / How about George? / Good thinking, Cougar.

Frank Costanza · George:Until you pin me, George, Festivus is not over. / Oh, please. Somebody stop this. / Let's rumble.

Estelle Costanza:Stop crying and fight your father.

George · Frank Costanza:Oh, I give. I give. / This is the best Festivus ever.

Kruger · George:All right. That's enough. You're fired. / Thank you.