Live Ammo

I love you so much... to his apartment.

Holy hell, that's soft.

He's deeply in debt. But you know what? Who cares?

Way quicker.

If you hear any of them talking about that blonde pain in the ass, that's me.

I love building ships in bottles. When the ship is done, I put a cork in it, put it on the shelf, and I move on.

Our department is the only thing between her and a life of tube tops and tribal tattoos and barfing in hot tubs.

Why don't we just say that whoever gets to the emergency first will be in charge?

She referred to this meeting as a non-stop thrill ride.

All due respect, Mr. Hamsterpenis, but no, I don't.

What about a cologne that can kill spiders?

Some are simple, like take down traffic lights and eliminate the post office. The bigger ones will be tougher, like, bring all of this crumbling to the ground.

Oh! Wear your yoga pants.

Oh, really? Is this politics? [hits Ben]

The Beer-yonce Knowles. It's just a regular beer, but we put it in a sexy-ass mug.

Pairs nicely with the Jay-Zima. We bought a bunch of Zima when the factory shut down.

These are blank. Weird.

It's crazy boring. It lasts forever. You're going to wish you were dead.

Now, I am not saying that Leslie Knope is a dog murderer, per se... Like, for example, is she a dog murderer?

She got the perfect puppy for that shot. She is good.

I adopted 32 cats and dogs.

Is that a pig? Yes, that is a pig.

Although the smells from the Greek restaurant next door are not ideal.

Don't want none of that animal dander interacting with this cashmere.

That would be the coolest thing since *NSYNC, Aerosmith and Nelly performed together at the Super Bowl halftime show.

They should be rewarded for not being people. I hate people.

The pig ate your noise canceling headphones.

Pigs are awesome.

There were no thoughts in my head whatsoever. My mind was blank. I don't know what the hell these other crackpots are doing.

A lot of these dogs have rescued people from burning buildings. This one helped Ray Charles around.

This cat was in Boogie Nights?

Did you know his great-grandfather was Spuds MacKenzie?

And that's a dog biscuit. Andy put them on the table because he wanted to try to have the dogs play poker.

You're trying to fit two ships into one bottle. And take it from me, you can't do that.

I know you're just making a joke but using a bigger bottle would be considered cheating by most of our major trade publications. FYI.

Don't try so hard.

No. It's the opposite.

We ended up with more animals than we started with. This is what happens when you try.

Do you think Barack and Michelle Obama feel like this at the end of the day? So, am I Michelle?

I did it. I got it out. Oh, geez. You don't take the ship out. Here you go.

We're all just molecules floating around in random patterns, devoid of meaning.

I'm a rolling stone. Peace.

I will not let you return to a life of shaving wieners and dodging knife attacks from meth heads.

Money doesn't just appear... Shh! Stop talking. I have half an idea and I'm putting it together.

Ben, I'm going to commit political suicide.

Hi. I'm not here. I swear on my great-great-grandmother's grave. I'm not here.

That's why it's stupid to work hard.

What is that photo? That must come pre-loaded in there or something.

You would no longer be a government parasite, sucking the lifeblood from honest, hardworking people.

Actually, the water is not good for you, either. You shouldn't drink the tap water. Has anyone told you that yet?

Because in a week, we have a debate. And your guy, Bobby Newport, is going to have to show up and he's going to have to open his mouth. And I'm going to kick his ass.

What do you say after work, you, me, whiskey, wheatgrass, Cranium?

He asked me to tell anyone who comes in that he wishes to remain undisturbed, so as to better clarify his head space.