Live Ammo

Leslie:I love you so much.

Ben:I love you too.

Leslie:No, I mean I love your apartment. Look at this crown molding!

Leslie:Feel how soft these are. Tom imported them from Italy.

Ann:Oh my God, these are the softest things I've ever felt in my entire life. I want to live in these blankets. I want to die in these blankets.

Leslie:Tom, you can't just keep spending money like this. You're going to bankrupt yourself.

Tom:Leslie, please. I have everything under control. My accountant says I'm fine.

Leslie:Your accountant is a guy named Derek who you met at a club. He's not even a real accountant.

Leslie:You know, it's like a Ken Burns documentary. We start with a photograph of the park from 1952, and then we slowly zoom in, and there's gentle piano music playing...

Pillner:Yeah, can you just tell me what you want?

Leslie:I know how I come across. I'm very aware. I know that I can be intense, and overbearing, and I have no concept of personal space, and I'm very loud. I get it. But what you don't understand is that I care. I genuinely care about this town and about the people in it, and if that makes me annoying, then so be it.

Ben Wyatt:Okay, so finalizing the budget is like... it's like assembling a model train set.

Leslie Knope:A model train set?

Ben Wyatt:Yeah. You've got all these individual pieces, and you have to make sure they fit together perfectly, or the whole thing falls apart.

Ron Swanson:That's the worst metaphor I've ever heard. And I once heard Tom compare himself to a gazelle.

Ben Wyatt:Well, I have an extensive model train collection, and—

Everyone:Of course you do.

Leslie:Our parks programs are essential to this community. Without them, people would just be out there doing trashy things like littering, then spray-painting, then full-on meth labs in the woods, then sacrificing animals to dark gods, then...

April:If there's an emergency, just call me. I'll handle it. Or don't call me, I don't care either way. Just figure it out yourselves.

April:Leslie loves her job. She thinks it's the best job in the world. She wakes up every morning excited to go to work.

April:In reality, she spends most of her time trying to convince people to come to parks that they have no interest in visiting, while dealing with Ron's indifference and Tom's incompetence.

Man:It's Giles, actually. Not Hamsterpenis.

April:No, you definitely look like a Hamsterpenis.

Tom:Russell, what do you think about a cologne that smells like money and broken dreams?

Russell Simmons:That's... not a business idea, Tom.

Tom:Okay, okay. What about a restaurant where all the food is cold and the waiters are angry?

Russell Simmons:Why would anyone go there?

Tom:Atmosphere, Russell. Pure atmosphere.

Ron:I'm not a fan of government. I think it's inefficient and wasteful. But I'm not saying we should burn it down... yet. First, we start small. We cut unnecessary spending. Then we reduce regulations. Then we eliminate entire departments. Then we dissolve Congress. Then we establish a new world order based on pure libertarian principles. Then we burn it all down.

Chris:Ron, I've been practicing some meditation and I really think it could help you find inner peace. We could do some yoga together.

Ron:Chris, I don't do yoga.

Chris:Come on, just try it. It's very centering. Plus, everyone wears yoga pants.

Ron:I'm not wearing yoga pants.

Leslie:Is this politics?

Leslie:Is this politics?

Leslie:Is this politics?

Tom:I'm gonna name this drink 'Beyoncé.' Because it's got all the right moves, and it'll make you want to say 'Whoa!'

Tom:Get it? Beyoncé? Be-yawn-say? Because this drink is boring.

Tom:Tom is 'bouncing business ideas off Russell Simmons on Twitter' during the staff meeting

Jerry:Here are those papers Leslie wanted. I printed them all out myself.

April:These are blank.

Jerry:Yes, well, Leslie's orders were very specific.

April:They're completely blank.

Jerry:I followed them to the letter.

Ann:Meditation is just sitting there doing nothing for like an hour while your brain screams at you about all the things you should be doing.

Ann:It's like being trapped in an elevator with yourself.

Ann:Except the elevator is on fire and you're the fire.

Reporter:I'm not calling you a dog murderer.

Reporter:But are you a dog murderer?

Ben:I have to say, whoever made this really knows what they're doing. The color grading, the pacing... it's actually kind of beautiful.

Leslie:Ben, they're saying I'm a witch.

Ben:A very well-lit witch.

Ben:How did you sleep?

Leslie:Oh, I didn't. I adopted seventeen cats.

Leslie:And we also have a pig.

Ben:Of course you do.

Chris:This meditation center has incredible chi.

Chris:But there's only one outlet and my phone is at 12% battery.

Andy:Come on, Tom, just play with the cats for a little bit.

Tom:Andy, do you know how much this shirt costs? It's a limited edition Tom Ford. These cats have claws. Claws, Andy. I just got this dry cleaned.

Andy:It's just cats, man.

Tom:You don't understand fashion. This is cashmere. Cashmere, Andy. One snag and I'm out three hundred dollars.

Ben:'I'm just really into you. Give me a spin, baby.' — Ben to Leslie in the middle of a serious argument

April:I help cats and dogs because they're better than people. People are awful and selfish, but animals are pure and innocent.

April:Plus, if I'm nice to animals, maybe they won't maul me in my sleep. It's basically self-preservation.

Leslie:We need to find creative solutions to our budget problems.

Ron:I have a pig.

Leslie:Ron, why would that help?

Ron:He eats everything. We could save thousands on waste disposal.

Leslie:Ron, he ate my laptop last week.

Ron:Exactly. Problem solved.

Andy:Hey, look on the bright side—that pig just ate your headphones, but at least he's getting a balanced diet now. Those things had like, what, three hours of battery life? That pig's gonna have energy for days.

Ron:I tried that meditation thing you all keep talking about. Sat in silence for twenty minutes. Completely pointless. My mind was blank, I felt calm, I had no thoughts or anxieties. Worst waste of time I've ever experienced.

April:This is Mittens. She fought in the Korean War.

April:That's Mr. Whiskers. He invented the croissant.

April:And this is Ray Charles. He's blind but he can see into your soul.

April:Also he's been dead for seven years.

Donna:Wait, this cat was in Citizen Kane?

April:This dog is descended from the original Spuds MacKenzie. We have papers.

Ben:This is... what is this?

Andy:It's a recreation of Starry Night, but made entirely out of fruit snacks and pizza rolls.

Ben:Andy, that's not... that's not what that painting is supposed to look like.

Andy:Well, I did it my way. It's called 'Snacky Night.'

Leslie:Leslie's reaction: 'She got the perfect puppy for that shot. She is good.'

Leslie Knope:Why don't we just use a bigger bottle?

Pillner:Because then it wouldn't be a ship in a bottle. It would just be a ship in a big bottle. And that violates the entire spirit of the ship-in-bottle covenant.

Ron:I don't meditate. I just sit in my office with the lights off. It's not complicated, Chris. You're thinking too much about thinking.

April:No, this is an adoption event. We're trying to find homes for cats, not take in more unwanted ones.

April:You know what I learned today? The more effort you put into something, the worse it turns out. I'm going to stop trying at everything forever.

Ben:Being in politics is so stressful. I don't know how I do it sometimes.

Leslie:Well, you're not as naturally suited for it as I am. I mean, if I had to pick an Obama to be, I'd obviously be Michelle.

Ben:Why would you have to pick an Obama?

Leslie:I don't know, but if I did, it'd be Michelle.

Pillner:See, the whole point of a ship in a bottle is that it's impossibly small inside the bottle, right? So I've been working on this for three years, perfecting every detail. And finally, I got it perfect. So I took it out to show people.

Pillner:Now it's just a ship.

Ron:I have no political beliefs. I don't believe in anything. I'm just here, eating breakfast, waiting to die.

Ron:I'm going to go find some peace and quiet. Peace out.

Ben:Ann, I think it's great you're considering nursing. But let me paint you a picture of what that job really entails. You'll be wiping things you didn't know could be things. You'll work 12-hour shifts for about $15 an hour. You'll develop a cough from the fluorescent lights. Your feet will hurt so bad you'll consider amputation as a viable career move. And that's just Tuesday.

Ben:Leslie, we can't just add a new park without cutting something from the budget.

Leslie:What if we did though?

Ben:We can't.

Leslie:Okay, I need everyone to be quiet. I'm having a thought.

Leslie:...Nope, it's gone.

Leslie:I have a solution. I'm going to destroy my career.

Leslie:I'm going to go on live television and tell everyone that I lied about my qualifications, my experience, everything.

Leslie:Then I'll admit I've been embezzling from the Parks Department to fund my secret government experiments.

Leslie:And finally, I'll confess that I have no idea what I'm doing and I never have.

Tom:April? April, I need to talk to you about something.

April:I'm not here.

Tom:I can hear you through the door.

April:You're imagining things. I don't exist.

Tom:April, please.

April:I'm not in this room. I'm not in this building. I'm not in this town. I'm not on this planet.

Tom:You know what? Forget the adoption event. Forget helping people. Forget society. That's what I do, and I'm thriving. You should try it.

April:Really?

Tom:No, but it sounds nice, doesn't it?

Tom:Look at this photo I took of the adoption papers. Pretty good, right?

April:You didn't take that. Where did you get it?

Tom:I took it. With my phone.

April:No, you didn't. You can't take photos. You take photos like a dead person takes photos.

Ron:Look, I know losing your job seems bad, but think about it this way: you're finally free from the government's tyrannical grip. No more participating in the bureaucratic machine that crushes the individual spirit and enslaves the working man to endless regulations and red tape. You should be celebrating.

Newport's handler:The air quality in this town is terrible.

Newport's handler:Actually, you know what? Don't even get me started on the water.

Leslie:I'm going to absolutely destroy you in this debate. I've been preparing for weeks. I know every fact, every statistic, every possible argument you could make.

Chris:I'm so excited about this board game night! I've been preparing all week. I even made a healthy smoothie for us to enjoy while we play.

Ben:Chris, that's a bottle of whiskey.

Chris:It's a health drink. Alcohol is made from natural ingredients!

Ron:I'm achieving inner peace.

Ron:The energy in this room is very positive.

Ron:I'm one with the universe.

Ron:Ron confessional: 'I got nothing out of that experience at all.'

Ron · Chris:Ron comes clean about hating meditation; Chris reveals he didn't expect Ron to enjoy it — he just wanted to see if Ron could be flexible. Ron gets the job.

Ron:Ron: 'But first, there's a hot, spinning cone of meat in that Greek restaurant next door. I don't know what it is, but I'd like to eat the whole thing.'

April:The pet adoption event ends with more animals than they started with — April talking head: 'We ended up with more animals than we started with. This is what happens when you try.'

April:April: 'All of these animals are going to die. God. I hope you're happy, stupid people in this stupid town.'

Leslie · Ben:'Do you think Barack and Michelle Obama feel like this at the end of the day?' / 'Probably. I mean, I don't know. How else...' / 'So, am I Michelle?'

Chris · Jerry:Chris reveals that Councilman Pillner's review of the budget resulted in ALL D-1s being terminated — including Jerry

Chris:Chris excitedly announces Ron as his choice for Assistant City Manager to Councilman Howser, then immediately: 'I'm sorry. I should have let you guess. I'm just so excited.'

Ron:Ron arrives with his 'plan to reduce government spending by 85%': 'Here's a hint. No more departments.'

Pillner · Leslie:Pillner correcting Leslie about the bottle: 'I did it. I got it out.' / 'Oh geez. You don't take the ship out.' / 'Here you go.'

Chris:Chris, realizing he may have offered Ron a job he can't actually give: 'So I may have offered you a job that I have no authority to offer. I'm so, so sorry.'

Ron · Chris:Ron's response to losing the job opportunity: 'Well, that is disappointing. But don't worry about me. I'll be fine.' / Chris: 'Oh, I know. I mean, in the grand scheme of things, who cares? We're all just molecules floating around in random patterns, devoid of meaning.'

Chris · Ron:'Peace.' / Ron: 'Stop.'

Ron:Ron forces Chris to sit and try his 'not trying' meditation: 'Prepare to experience true freedom and bliss.' — delivered in Ron's flattest possible tone

Ann:Ann to Ben: 'I will not let you return to a life of shaving wieners and dodging knife attacks from meth heads.'

April:'I swear on my great-great-grandmother's grave. I'm not here.'

Tom:Tom's pep talk pivot: 'That's why it's stupid to work hard.' — followed by the photo of a little girl with a puppy

Tom · April:Tom shows April a photo that makes her gasp — 'What? What is that photo?' / 'That must come pre-loaded in there or something.'

Tom · April:Tom shows April a photo on his phone and it reveals he has a photo of himself with a puppy pre-loaded (or taken earlier): 'What is that photo? That must come pre-loaded in there or something.'

Ron:Ron: 'I don't usually poison my body with dark alcohol, but this whiskey is excellent. Nectar of the gods.'

Ron:Ron's pep talk to Chris: 'You might consider the upside of losing your job. For example, you would no longer be a government parasite, sucking the lifeblood from honest, hardworking people. Instead, you'd contribute to society like a man.'

Ron:Ron's pep talk: 'You would no longer be a government parasite, sucking the lifeblood from honest, hardworking people. Instead, you'd contribute to society like a man.'

Ron · Chris:Ron: 'That's just one way it might be good. I'm sure there are others.' Chris: 'I'm sure there are.'

Leslie · Jennifer:Leslie negotiates with Newport's campaign manager Jennifer: 'You are going to announce that Bobby Newport will use his personal fortune to save the animal shelter.'

Jennifer:Jennifer: 'Damn it. Damn it. I swear, the air in this town is killing my brain cells. Actually, the water is not good for you, either. You shouldn't drink the tap water. Has anyone told you that yet?'

Jennifer · Leslie:Jennifer: 'I wasn't born yesterday. You've got to have an angle.' Leslie: 'This is a home run for us. We're going to dominate the news cycle for a whole week.' Jennifer: 'Well, you can have this week. We'll take the next one.'

Leslie:Leslie's closing argument about the debate: 'Your guy, Bobby Newport, is going to have to show up and he's going to have to open his mouth. And I'm going to kick his ass.'

Chris:Chris arrives with a board game: 'Cranium. It's a board game. Have you heard of it? It is literally the most fun I have ever had.'