The Debate

Chris:You know, I have a gift. I can take any negative situation and spin it into a positive one.

Ben:Oh yeah? Like what?

Chris:Well, for example, if the entire city budget collapsed, I would say: 'We're not broke, we're just living within our means in a really aggressive way.'

Leslie:That's not better.

Chris:Or if someone was in a terrible accident, I'd say: 'Well, now you have a great excuse to take time off work!'

Jerry:That's the worst thing I've ever heard.

Chris:See? You're all thinking about this wrong. It's all about perspective.

Chris:Even if I were diagnosed with terminal cancer, I would say, 'Well, at least I don't have two terminal cancers.'

Andy:So we need to impress the big donors, right? The money people?

Leslie:Yes, Andy. These are very important community members.

Andy:Got it. So we're talking about guys like... Bradford Whitmore the Third, Muffy Van Dyke, and Thurston Howell with the yacht?

Ben:How are you doing that?

Andy:Doing what?

Ben:That. Those are literally the exact names of three of our donors.

April:I'm bringing a dead body.

April:I can give lap dances.

Andy:Oh my god, yes! That would be amazing!

Ben:No.

Leslie:This venue is huge! How many people can fit in here?

Ben:Well, according to the fire code, this room is 4,847 square feet, which means maximum occupancy is 387 people, assuming the average person takes up 12.5 square feet. But if we account for the stage setup, we're looking at closer to 340, maybe 345 if people are willing to stand shoulder to shoulder, which they won't be because Americans have a personal space bubble of about 2-3 feet in public settings.

Ben:Leslie, you're going to destroy this debate.

Leslie:Thanks, Ben. I've been practicing all night.

Ben:All night? Leslie, you need sleep before a big debate.

Leslie:I got sleep. I was debating in my dreams.

Ben:You were... debating in your sleep?

Leslie:Yeah, I literally debate in my sleep. Last night I won three arguments against my pillow.

Ben:You know what? You're like a phoenix. A beautiful, brilliant phoenix. And right now, you're going to rise up out of the ashes, shake off all that doubt, and soar majestically into the sky.

Leslie:That's really sweet, Ben.

Ben:But first, someone's going to have to kill you and burn your body.

Ben:I'm gonna rip your arms off and beat you with them.

Leslie:Oh my God, I love you so much.

Tom:Dude, you just need to vacuum, wipe down the counters, maybe light a candle.

Tom:It's not that hard.

Tom:Actually, why are we even cleaning? We're all just going to die anyway.

Tom:Nothing matters. The universe is infinite and we are meaningless specks.

Tom:So what's the point of a clean apartment?

Tom:I called into the radio station and I dedicated a song to Ann. I said, 'This is for Ann Perkins, the woman of my dreams. Ann, if you're listening, I want you to know that I love your style, your ambition, and the way you always smell like a nice blend of hard work and... hard work.'

Ann:Tom, that's so sweet!

Tom:Wait, I'm not done. I also told them that I've been following you around the neighborhood and—

Ann:What?!

Tom:Ann said she needed to focus on her career and her own life. But what she really meant was... she's going to space. She's an astronaut now. That's the only explanation.

Andy:April doesn't care about anything.

April:That's not true. I care about things. I have a list of things I care about.

April:Number one: my dog. Number two: you.

Chris:His seamless transition from bodily functions to environmental policy

Chris:So you and Ben are just... together now?

Ann:Yeah, we are.

Chris:I don't understand it, but I respect it.

Chris:Ann, I need to tell you something. My heart rate has increased by approximately 12 percent in your presence. My pupils are dilated. I've experienced what I can only describe as a systemic endorphin rush. I believe I may be experiencing... romantic attraction.

Ann:You know there's a rule against dating coworkers.

Chris:I know. But if I get fired, I'll finally be able to date you.

Andy:Wait, so I give you money, and then you give me more money back? That's the best deal I've ever heard!

Andy:Here's my $500. When do I get my free money?

Andy:Wait, what do you mean 'market risk'? You said this was guaranteed!

Andy:So my $500 is just... gone? It's been three minutes!

Ron:I don't believe in wasting people's time with pleasantries or emotional manipulation. You give us money, we build parks. It's a simple transaction. You benefit from the tax write-off, we benefit from your generosity, and the parks benefit from existing. Everyone wins. Except the trees that get cut down. But they're not donors, so I don't care.

Andy:The cable's out? How am I supposed to watch TV?

April:I cut the cord. Literally. With scissors.

Leslie:Okay, I'm going in there and I'm going to crush this debate. I need to get pumped up.

Leslie:What's the most intense, aggressive, in-your-face pump-up music ever created?

Leslie:I know. Enya. Let's do this.

Leslie:You're going to do great. You just need to believe in yourself. I believe in you. And together, we're going to make Pawnee the jewel of the midwest.

Jen:Well, Bobby's got name recognition, he's got money, and he's got the support of the party establishment. So honestly, his chances are pretty good. Which is depressing because he's an idiot.

Joan:I'm Joan Callamezzo, host of 'Pawnee Public Forum,' and I'll be moderating tonight's debate. Before we begin, I want to disclose that I have a small financial interest in one of the candidates. I own 51% of the Sweetums candy company, and I've been sleeping with the owner, Bobby Newport, for the past six months. So I want to be transparent about that.

Fester Trim:I am Fester Trim. Many of you know me as the man who sells you your guns at the gun-believable Gun Emporium. I want to tell you about my idea for assault rifle vending machines.

Brandi:I don't have time for politics. I'm shooting eight scenes a day.

I need more context about the specific joke to accurately parse the dialogue. The CHARACTERS list only includes 'Brandi', but Parks and Recreation jokes typically involve multiple characters. Could you provide the actual punchline text so I can identify the speakers and reconstruct the dialogue accurately?

Bobby Newport:I don't understand. Are you saying mean things about me?

Joan:Let's keep this civil, candidates.

Bobby:Absolutely. I respect my opponent.

Joan:Unlike me. I hate him.

Bobby:I want to win because... okay, look, it's not really about governance or helping people or any of that stuff. It's about my dad. He never thought I could do anything right. And if I can become the most powerful person in the state, maybe then he'll finally respect me.

Perd:I'm reading a question from Twitter user 'ButtStuff2012': 'yo perd y u always talk bout ur self lol ur not even that importent.'

Bobby Newport:Well, one time I was mugged. The guy asked for my wallet, and I said, 'You're gonna have to take it.' And he did. So that didn't work out.

Andy:Okay, so there's this guy, right? And he's a cooler at a bar. A cooler! That's like a bouncer, but cooler. Get it?

Andy:And he's so smooth, so cool, that he just walks around and people immediately stop fighting. He's got this thing where he just takes his shirt off and—

Andy:Wait, why does he take his shirt off so much? That's not explained. But it works!

Andy:Then there's this girl, and she's like, 'Oh, you're so dangerous,' and he's like, 'Pain don't hurt,' which is insane because pain literally always hurts.

Andy:But the best part? He rips a guy's arm off. Just rips it clean off! And everyone's cool with it because he's so cool about it.

Andy:So I'm watching this guy, right? He takes a chainsaw to another guy's arm. Just... *makes sawing motion* ... gone. Arm's on the floor. Blood everywhere. And then—and this is the thing—the first guy picks up the arm and uses it to hit the second guy in the face with his own arm. His own arm! I was like, 'Yeah, that's good television.'

Andy:Then there's this scene where a guy gets his head stuck in a car door. In and out. In and out. For like three minutes straight. I'm eating nachos. Just... *crunches* ... In and out.

Leslie:So how much time do I have?

Perd:Well, that's a great question, and here's the answer: you have as much time as there is time for you to have.

Leslie:That doesn't tell me anything.

Perd:I know, I'm very good at my job.

Andy:That's subtext. He doesn't say that.

Bobby Newport:My cleaning philosophy is simple: I don't do it. The help raised me, so naturally they handle all the cleaning too.

Bobby Newport:You know, my mother Yolanda always said that the key to a successful relationship is understanding the dynamic between employer and employee. So I've based my entire economic policy on that principle.

Bobby Newport:We need more maids, fewer questions, and everyone should just do what I say.

Bobby Newport:You know what, I had this cleaning lady named Yolanda who was very wise. She basically raised me. And one day she said, 'little Bobby, I'm not going to clean your room no mas.' And from that day on, my room was gross.

Tom:Parks are like women. You have to wine them, dine them, show them a good time, and then maybe at the end of the night you get to second base.

Tom:Ann, I'm sorry. Our relationship is like a third-party candidate.

Tom:It had potential, people were excited about it, but in the end, nobody actually wanted to vote for it.

Leslie:I'm going to attack Bobby Newport.

Ben:That's... that's a bold strategy. And I respect your confidence. It's admirable, really, how you're willing to just... go for it, even though statistically you probably won't succeed.

Ben:But Bobby Newport is super handsome and charming, so that means people will probably vote for him because there's no justice in the world.

Bobby Newport:Well, you know, I think what's really important here is that we all come together as a community and have fun. Fun is what brings people together. I love fun. Have you ever had fun? It's great.

Ben:What do you want to know?

Jen:Well, first of all, is it true that Chris has a thing for whipped cream?

Ben:What? No.

Jen:Because I heard he uses it on his oatmeal every morning.

Ben:That's... that's not a scandal.

Jen:And is it true that he irons his socks?

Ben:Yes, but that's not relevant to—

Jen:One more thing: does he really cry during dog food commercials?

Ron:I don't believe in stealing. But I do believe in the government not doing its job, which creates a vacuum that I am morally obligated to fill.

Bobby Newport:Sweetums has been very generous to my family. My father and I have a very close relationship, and he's given me everything I could ever want. Of course, if I don't win this election, he's gonna cut me off completely and I'll have nothing. So, you know, it's important that I win.

Ben:Leslie, you need to be careful out there. Stay safe, okay? I worry about you.

Leslie:Aww, that's sweet Ben.

Ben:I'm serious. Watch your back, keep your eyes open, and if anyone gives you any trouble, you call me immediately.

Leslie:Ben, it's just a town hall meeting.

Ben:Not anymore it isn't. You see that guy in the third row? He's been giving you looks. You want me to take him out?

Bobby Newport:I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't know anything about government, I don't understand policy, and frankly, I don't care. But you know what? I'm rich, I'm good-looking, and I have no real responsibilities. So why not be your next City Councilman?

Bobby Newport:I'm an American. My father is an American. My mother is an American. My godfather is the viceroy of the principality of Liechtenstein.

Leslie:I'm not going to sit here and let you or anyone else in this town tell me that government doesn't work. You know what? Government works. It works when people believe in it, when they work together, when they sacrifice for one another.

Bobby:That was the most incredible thing I've ever heard in my entire life. You destroyed me.

Tom:Ann, you're gonna die alone and I'm gonna die alone, and it's gonna be great because we'll die alone together.

Tom:Leslie, you were like a falcon. A beautiful, powerful falcon. You soared above that debate like an eagle. Actually, you were an eagle. A bald eagle. The symbol of America. And you just grabbed that moderator with your talons and you just ripped him apart. It was beautiful.

Leslie:Tom, that doesn't even make sense.

Tom:I don't care. You killed it out there. I'm so proud of you.

His casual invitation like it's all just a game

Bobby Newport:I guess my thoughts on abortion are... You know, let's just all have a good time. I don't care about that issue. Just ask someone else.

Brandi Maxxxx:For the record, I'd appear in a film with any of my fellow candidates.

Multiple debate participants:Anteaters. / Kill shot. / Money shot. / Fudgsicles.

Leslie:Let's spend our money on what matters. Police, fire, parks, and schools.

Jen Barkley:Hey, quick question. Does that guy Chris Traeger have a girlfriend, and is his penis normal?

Andy:Andy recaps the plot of Rambo at the party: 'Open on villagers being thrown out into a rice field. Land mines blowing them up into pieces.'

Andy:After I steal this cable feed, I will repay the cable company for the service we used.

Bobby Newport:Newport's Sweetums threat: 'Recently, my dad told me that if Leslie Knope wins the election, they'll probably have to move Sweetums to Mexico... I'm not saying that is gonna happen, but I do know this. If I win... I bet I could get them to stay.'

Perd Hapley:We're gonna be back with our closing statements right after a word from our sponsor, Sweetums, Pawnee's biggest supplier of candy and jobs.

Ben · Leslie:Ah, screw it. Go get him. / Really? / Kick his ass.

Bobby Newport:How do we fix this town? I have no idea. You tell me. That's what I'm counting on. You telling me. And that's how it ends. I loved it. It's called Babe. And I know it sounds corny. Talking pig. Whatever. You should all see it.

Perd Hapley:I feel like I just did.

Leslie:Leslie after Bobby's 'Babe' recommendation: 'I feel like I just did.' (said about Babe — implying the debate itself was a talking pig movie)

Bobby Newport:Holy [bleep], Leslie, that was awesome.

Chris:It was worth a shot. Well, I hope that whoever you end up with treats you like the amazing person that you are. Thank you. And I am going to go run some stairs and work through these feelings.

Ann · Leslie:Is he sad? / Oh, my God. He looks sad.

Tom:I'm coming for you, girl... Just...Like...You...Want.

Tom:Leslie Knope is scrappy like a terrier. She's smoooooth like a blended whiskey. My girl has big ideas and big feelings, and she's not afraid to express 'em.

Bobby Newport:Hey, party at my dad's lake house. Bring whoever you want.

Andy:Andy's Rambo summary conclusion: 'They go upriver. Does not go well.'