The Debate

I can literally make anything sound positive. Your house just burned down, and you lost all your money in the stock market. It's a chance to start over. Fire is cleansing, and true wealth is measured by the amount of love in your life.

If I had to have anybody tell me that I had cancer, I would want it to be me.

Ooh, I can't believe our house is going to be full of rich people named Dottie and Todd and Rick.

And I will be providing my world-famous $100 lap dances.

Sweet! / No.

4 feet. Exact same size as the podium you use in the Parks department.

You could debate Newport in your sleep. / I have. / I know. We sleep in the same bed. It's been hell.

You're going to rip out his spine with your teeth and then chew it up and gargle with it.

I love it when you're needlessly disgusting.

Leave it messy. It doesn't matter. Nothing matters. Life is garbage.

So we're up in the club. It's me! We're dancing. We're sweating. Let's just say we got to second that night. Kind of. Me so horny.

I guess she's just afraid of how powerful her feelings are.

Yes, I do, I care about... Andy... And champion.

Leslie Knope is literally overflowing with ideas for this town. And speaking of methane, have you heard about her plan to limit greenhouse gas emissions?

I've heard that you and Tom Haverford are no longer romantically involved. Is that true? / Yes, we broke up. / And I honestly can't believe we ever dated. / Does defy logic.

Okay, I still have feelings for you. Strong feelings. Emotional, primal feelings.

Maybe not for long. If Newport wins, the city council may replace me. But it would open it up for us to be together.

I recently invested in some shirts I got at a garage sale. Left those at Wendy's on the way home.

Hello. You are here because you gave us money. Now we will give you ribs. Also you will watch the debate. If you like the debate, you'll give us more money. That is all. Ron Swanson.

Uh-oh. Somebody forgot to pay the cable bill. Am I right? / It was me.

Nothing gets me more amped than Sarah McLachlan.

Here's what I know. I love you, and I like you.

Expectations are crazy low. If he puts two sentences together without crying, the press is going to say he's doing surprisingly well, and if he falls to pieces, he's going to look sympathetic. It's a win-win.

And I am legendary newswoman Joan Callamezzo, newly single.

I want to tell you about my idea for assault rifle vending machines.

Well, I've produced and starred in over 400 adult films this year alone.

And just like Leslie, I know what it's like to be the only woman in a room full of men.

That--that hurt my feelings. Hurt my feelings. You're supposed to be this positive person. Can't we just talk about things we like?

Ah, that's okay, Joan. / Looking at you, Leslie.

I want your vote because I want Pawnee and my dad to see what I'm made of.

@munchmeat2015 asks, 'Pawnee used 2 b safe. Some1 stole my car. What will u do 2 make Pawnee safe & can u help me find my car?'

You know, one time a guy stole some downhill skis out of my jeep. And I was so mad, I punched a mailbox. I'm against crime, and I'm not ashamed to admit it.

So Swayze runs, boom! Tackles the guy off the motorcycle... And he says, 'I used to [Bleep] guys like you in prison.'

Takes the esophagus out of the neck area. You can't eat. You'll starve to death. And that is Road House.

I do have an update on your time allotment, and that update is that your time is almost gone. / I have no more time left? / Well, you had some time when I started talking, but by the time I finished, your time was up.

I know this. If something is dirty, we should clean it up. Let's start there. Right?

You know what, I had this cleaning lady named Yolanda who was very wise. She basically raised me.

I think we should make our parks look like my room after Yolanda finally, you know, gave in and cleaned it up for me.

Once again, Brandi and Leslie are essentially the same person.

And we all know the better-looking a park is, the more attention it will get from lady parks who want to have sex with it.

Please. Vote for me to be your boyfriend.

When you attacked, you kind of came off like a bully, and he looked sympathetic, so, you know, y-you did a really good job of easing off.

I guess my thoughts on abortion are... You know, let's just all have a good time. I don't care about that issue. Just ask someone else.

I guess my thoughts on abortion are... You know, let's just all have a good time. I don't care about that issue. Just ask someone else.

Does that guy Chris Traeger have a girlfriend, and is his penis normal?

After I steal this cable feed, I will repay the cable company for the service we used.

Recently, my dad told me that if Leslie Knope wins the election, they'll probably have to move Sweetums to Mexico.

Ah, screw it. Go get him. / Really? / Kick his ass.

How do we fix this town? I have no idea. You tell me. That's what I'm counting on. You telling me.

And that's how it ends. I loved it. It's called Babe. And I know it sounds corny. Talking pig. Whatever. You should all see it.

Holy [Bleep], Leslie, that was awesome. / Thanks, Bobby.

I'll take it. And you know what else? I'm coming for you, girl...Just...Like...You...Want.

Leslie Knope is scrappy like a terrier. She's smoooooth like a blended whiskey. My girl has big ideas and big feelings, and she's not afraid to express 'em.

Hey, party at my dad's lake house. Bring whoever you want.