Twaining Day

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi and Ilana debating what is 'witchy' as Abbi is being escorted into what is clearly an abortion clinic while protesters shout in the background

Ilana · Abbi:'Witch shit is fucking hot, dawg.' / 'Hot dog!'

Abbi · Ilana:The 'what is witchy?' list: clogs, long nails, short nails, soup, flutes — delivered completely earnestly while protesters shout in the background

Protester:Protester shouts 'What if they had aborted baby Jesus?' as a parting shot

Abbi · Dara:Abbi is visibly caught in a compromising or lazy position at her new job and covers by saying she was 'checking out the chair, making sure the height was right'

Abbi · Dara:Abbi excitedly presents brochure mock-ups she spent the night on; Dara ignores them entirely and asks about the kitty litter

Dara · Abbi:'Rock star.' — Dara's praise for Abbi managing to locate the cat food

Abbi:'I love my new job.' — Abbi's declaration immediately after being tasked with cat food and cobbler errands

Delivery Guy · Abbi:Package delivery guy informs Abbi she doesn't work at 'Soul-stice' anymore — mispronouncing it as two separate words

Delivery Guy · Abbi:Delivery guy offers to either destroy the package or send it to 'North Brother Island' — making a mundane redirect sound like a threat

Ilana:'What up, my fellow Ashkenazi Jew?'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana lists the reasons Abbi can't go back to Soulstice: 'because you crushed Trey and fully disrespected his existence? Or because you staged your own Publisher's Clearinghouse at the gym?'

Abbi:'Uh, it was Powerball, but both.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana is eating a baked potato cut in half, described as 'a lunch potato and a dinner potato'

Ilana · Abbi:'So freakin' broke, dude. / So broke!'

Ilana:'Well, good luck, m' witch.'

Abbi · Dara:Abbi lies to Dara that her parents are getting divorced to get out of work — the lie is obviously made up on the spot

Dara:'Thank you for being so honest about your need for mental help.'

Marcel:Restaurant manager's first words to Ilana: 'We're not open. Get out.'

Marcel:Marcel asking Ilana 'Oh, you're friends with the little Guatemalan boy' to refer to Jaime

Ilana:'Yes, but Dumper's Post was way more sophisticated than it sounds.'

Ilana:'I also served at the Golden Heirloom, a home for the elderly. I would birdfeed them tapioca.'

Marcel:Marcel declares: 'The only way to make it in the world of Manhattan restauranteries is to be a Kween of Mean'

Marcel:'Look, why don't you go work in a Connecticut Muffin, honey. And when you turn into a Conneti fucking muffin, you can come back to Sushi Mambeaux.'

Ilana:Ilana fights back: 'You're a general manager at a restaurant with a B health grade, so maybe you wanna drop the fucking attitude.'

Ilana:'And just because Sex & the City filmed here 25 years ago one time, doesn't mean that I need this'

Marcel · Ilana:Marcel: 'You're hired.' — immediately after Ilana tells him 'fuck you and your Manhattan restauranteries'

Abbi · Soulstice Staff:Abbi arrives at Soulstice to pick up her package and the front desk person is immediately dismissive: 'This isn't a post office. This is a gym for people to work out.'

Abbi:Abbi: 'Yeah, I know what a gym is.'

Trey:Trey advising a client about steroids: 'I wouldn't recommend steroids for you yet... But we'll see where we wanna go. You wanna get really big, where you can lift a dancer, we might think about it.'

Ilana:Ilana hangs up on Abbi mid-call

Ilana · Abbi:'No, I... I hung up on you.' / 'Dude, you cannot keep lying about this Shania shit. It's getting weird.'

Ilana:'Sorry, I'm training for my new job as a bitch waitress, and I'm getting really good at it.'

Ilana:'Your most egregious lie was Shania, 'cause that was to me. You're my pretty little liar and that's the truth.'

Abbi · Maria · Shania:Abbi gets caught trying to secretly photograph Shania and is immediately put in a headlock by Maria, Shania's bodyguard

Shania Twain:Shania requests 'How about 15?' when Trey says 'take five' — then sings 'Man, I feel like a smoothie'

Abbi · Trey:Abbi: 'I didn't win Powerball.' / Trey: 'Yeah, I know, that's why I did this.' / Abbi: 'Does everybody know?' / Trey: 'I think so, air quotes are pretty big now.'

Abbi:'I knew Top Gun would work.'

Abbi · Trey:Abbi: 'I knew Top Gun would work.' / Trey: 'Don't expect anyone to learn your name.'

Marcel:Marcel introducing staff: 'That's Owen. I call him Valtrex. He has herpes. No shade, most people have herpes.'

Marcel:'That's Brenda. She doesn't have a nickname, wouldn't allow it. Seniority. She came with the building.'

Marcel:'If you're the right fit, your nickname will find you.'

Trey · Abbi · Shania Twain:Abbi introduces herself to Shania Twain and Shania already knows her name — 'Abbi.' — a beat before Abbi says it

Abbi:Abbi: 'You have no idea how many times I have said that this has happened.'

Shania Twain · Abbi · Trey:Shania, Abbi, and Trey bonding over Friends: 'I'm such a Chandler.' / 'Total Rachel.' / 'I'm such a Ross.' — with Shania also being 'A little bit Phoebe' and 'A little Gunther, also'

Trey · Shania Twain:Trey does a Ross impression to get out of doing the stair climber, then has to do it anyway

Marcel · Ilana:Marcel and Ilana's interaction about 'petit uni': 'If you have to ask, it's probably not for you-ni.'

Restaurant Customers:Two customers ordering: 'My dad owns H&M. We'll take one of everything, you whore.' / 'Played you, bitch.'

Ilana:Ilana's inner conflict about being mean: 'This isn't you! You lift people up, you don't tear them down!'

Ilana:'Marcel, um... I'm really struggling to be mean. This just isn't me. Wow. I... I have to quit.'

Ilana · Brenda:Ilana accidentally knocks Brenda over, and Brenda immediately screams 'You did it on purpose, you bitch!'

Marcel:Marcel: 'You a regular Tonya Harding. I think we found your nickname.' / 'Other Tonya.'

Marcel:'You almost had me fooled. Doing bodily harm... You a regular Tonya Harding.' / 'I think we found your nickname.' / 'Other Tonya.'

Marcel:'Strap on your strap-on, lace up your skates, 'cause it's time to dance.'

Marcel:'I'm upgrading you... to section two.'

Abbi · Trey:Abbi demonstrating bungee fly exercise, gets launched: 'Uhh!' / Trey immediately: 'Abbi, you know what? Let me do that. Let's switch up. I just think seeing it from this angle might be, a little bit, ahem, safer.'

Shania Twain:Shania dispenses relationship advice to Abbi about Trey and then improvises a love song from her own advice

Shania Twain:'Not all Canadians are prudes, you know.'

Shania Twain:Shania immediately starts composing and singing her new song in the gym, ending with: 'Fuck, I'm good.'

Trey:Trey, asked to say something meaningful to Abbi, says: 'Bazinga.'

Trey:'You're a good witch, not a bad witch.'

Ilana:Ilana's character transformation revealed: 'You're a good witch, not a bad witch.'

Ilana:Ilana (now as warm waitress): 'Can I interest anybody in a cognake? This is a cognac and sake cocktail.' / 'Is it good?' / 'Your eyes are stunning.'

Ilana:Ilana to another customer: 'With that body, please. / You could use a little more cushion for the pushin'. You're right. We'll have three wasabi soufflés.'

Ilana · Restaurant Customer:Ilana's customer asks 'Are you guys high on weed?' and Ilana responds by ordering '17 spicy escargot wontons, stat'

Ilana:Ilana (warmly): 'I'm getting you 17 spicy escargot wontons, stat.'

Customer:Customer's response to Ilana: 'Thank you so much, Tim Foil.'

Unknown Customer/Guest:'I don't like what the new girl's done with this space. We gotta go somewhere else.'

Marcel:Marcel announces he's taking the leftover food to 'the homeless of New York City' — then immediately J/K's to reveal he's going to Andy Cohen's party

Ilana:Ilana says 'Good night, Dad' to Marcel as he leaves

Trey:Trey gets hit in the genitals by gym equipment and reports 'I think I broke my dick'

Shania Twain:Shania: 'Yeah, his dick is definitely broken. I'll figure it out.' / 'It's your standard penile fracture. We may have to operate.'

Paramedic · Trey:'It's your standard penile fracture. We may have to operate. Sorry, man.' / 'Ma'am?' / 'No, no, I said man.' / 'Oh. Okay, cool, thanks, Doctor.' / 'Oh, I'm not a doctor.'

Trey · Abbi · Mike:Trey: 'You're not the relationship type, right?' / Abbi: 'Yeah, totally.' — then immediately after, Abbi hits on paramedic Mike

Abbi:Abbi: 'cause I am a relationship gal. Fully.' — delivered to Trey as he is being wheeled away

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi shows Ilana photo evidence of Shania: 'This is Shania and I doing partner-heel taps. This one is Shania's feet under the bathroom stall. She wasn't even peeing. She was just watching an episode of Scandal.'

Abbi · Ilana:'If I need it, we have it. And if we ever have any other female friends, we will give it to them. It's available to them.'