Beers and Weirs

Lindsay · Harold:DAD'S THE ONE WHO CAN USE SOME PANTS. WHO AM I TRYING TO IMPRESS? WHEN ITS YOUR HOUSE, YOU CAN WEAR A TUXEDO TO BREAKFAST.

Harold · Lindsay:I CAN JUST SEE YOU GUYS EATING CANDY FOR BREAKFAST AND DRAWING PICTURES ON THE WALLS. HOW OLD DO YOU THINK WE ARE, DAD?

Harold:MRS. AMENDELLA MAKES THE HOUSE SMELL LIKE AN OLD LADY ANYWAY.

Harold:YOU KNOW THOSE SEX PISTOLS? THEY SPIT ON THEIR AUDIENCE.

Harold:YEP, THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO DO. SPEND MY HARD-EARNED MONEY TO BE SPIT ON. NOW THAT'S ENTERTAINMENT.

Harold:ELVIS DIDN'T EXPECTORATE ON HIS FANS.

Lindsay:NO, BUT HE DIED ON THE TOILET.

Harold:WELL, THAT'S PARADISE COMPARED TO WHERE THOSE SEX PISTOLS ARE GONNA END UP.

Nick:HE'S DEAD. YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE, HE'S DEAD. AND AS A RESULT, THERE'S NO MORE LED ZEPPELIN.

Lindsay · Nick:WELL, WHY DON'T THEY JUST GET A NEW DRUMMER? WHAT, ARE YOU...? LET'S JUST FORGET IT.

Kim:OH, IT'S BEAUTIFUL. CLEARLY WORTH ALL THE EFFORT.

Kim · Daniel:OH, WOULD YOU, MR. TOUGH MAN? YEAH, I WOULD, MRS. TOUGH MAN.

Kim:[LAUGHS] OH, LIKE THAT TIME WHEN JOHN ERGNER KICKED YOUR ASS? LIKE--LIKE THAT?

Kim:[LIGHT VOICE] KEGGER. KEGGER, [FAKES COUGH] KEGGER.

Kim:LINDSAY'S TOO LAME TO LET ANYONE ENTER HER PRECIOUS LITTLE HOUSE.

Lindsay:GREAT. WHO'S THE TOO-LAME ONE?

Daniel:NO, LINDSAY, LINDSAY, PLEASE. HOUSE DRINKS FREE.

Neal:IF YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT HIGH SCHOOL, THEN YOU WON'T GET INTO A GOOD COLLEGE, THEN YOU'LL HAVE NO FUTURE, AND YOU'LL WIND UP DEAD OR IN JAIL.

Neal:WERE YOU ASLEEP DURING SCARED STRAIGHT?

Bill:BECAUSE YOU HAVE YOUR BOOK IN FRONT OF YOUR PANTS.

Lindsay · Sam:WELL, THAT'S MY PROBLEM. DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. NO, NO, IT'S NOT, BECAUSE DAD WILL YELL AT ME FOR NOT TELLING ON YOU.

Daniel:THAT DESIGNATED DRIVER'S PRETTY HOT. LIKE TO GET HER DRUNK.

Student actor:[SOBS] I DIDN'T WANT TO HURT ANYONE.

Student · Mr. Rosso:A SEX PARTY. ALL RIGHT, I THINK I HEARD SOMEONE SAY 'BIRTHDAY PARTY.'

Student actor:YOU KNOW IF ANYONE HERE HAS ANY COCAINE?

Kim:I LOVE BEING TOLD NOT TO DRINK BY A POTHEAD HIPPIE GUIDANCE COUNSELOR.

Daniel:I'LL CUT THAT HAIR OFF AND I'LL SELL IT.

Neal · Bill:WHAT? BILL, DALLAS SUCKS. YOU SUCK. DALLAS RULES.

Bill:I WAS JUST JOKING. I DON'T-- I DON'T WATCH DALLAS.

Harold · Sam:IT'S NOT FOR THOSE STAR WARS CARDS OR THOSE GOOFY PACKS. WACKY PACKS.

Sam · Lindsay:UM, AT ASSEMBLY TODAY, THEY DID THESE IMPROVISATIONS ABOUT DRINKING AND DRIVING. IT'S PRETTY FUNNY. YEAH, I SAW. THAT'S WHY I LEFT.

Sam:REMEMBER THE PARTY WHERE YOU HAD A MAGICIAN? THAT WAS FUN. WHY DON'T YOU HAVE A MAGICIAN?

Lindsay:WE ARE NOT HAVING A MAGI--WHY AM I TALKING TO YOU?

Sam · Bill · Neal:WHAT'S NON-ALCOHOLIC BEER? IT'S JUST LIKE BEER, BUT IT DOESN'T HAVE THAT INGREDIENT THAT MAKES YOU DRUNK. ALCOHOL? YEAH.

Neal:[SIGHS] IT'S MY BAR MITZVAH MONEY. I'M SAVING IT TO GO BACKPACKING ACROSS EUROPE.

Neal:EVERY TIME YOU GUYS HAVE A PROBLEM, YOU WANT TO DIP INTO MY BAR MITZVAH MONEY. IT'S NOT LIKE I GET TO HAVE ANOTHER ONE.

Sam:MAZEL TOV.

Bill:PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS GETTING SHOT IN LIQUOR STORES. DO YOU THINK THEY SELL YOOHOO HERE? I'M KINDA THIRSTY.

Sam:MAYBE HE CAN CHANGE YOUR DIAPER, TOO.

Sam · Liquor store clerk:OH, WE'RE GONNA SWITCH THE KEGS AT HIS SISTER'S PARTY. [LAUGHS] RIGHTEOUS.

Bill · Sam:CAREFUL. MY FOOT! HEY, IT'S YOUR FOOT. YOU CAN WATCH IT, TOO, YOU KNOW.

Neal:'CAUSE YOU KNOW, FRIDAY... IS THE SABBATH... FOR THE JEWS.

Bill:IF NEAL MARRIES YOUR SISTER, THEN HE'D BE YOUR BROTHER-IN-LAW. THEN--THEN, IF YOU HAD KIDS, UH, NEAL WOULD BE THEIR UNCLE NEAL.

Sam:I THINK BILL'S GOT AN EAR INFECTION. IT'S MESSING WITH HIS EQUILIBRIUM.

Daniel · Nick:WHAT DO YOU THINK WE ARE, HIPPIES? [LAUGHS] SHUT UP, MAN. I THINK IT LOOKS GREAT.

Sam · Neal:ALL RIGHT, HERE'S THE PLAN. BILL, YOU GUARD THE KEG. NEAL AND I WILL PATROL THE PARTY. I'LL KEEP AN EYE ON LINDSAY. I'M THE GENIUS.

Party guest · Sam:[GROANS] THIS BEER SUCKS. IT TASTE WEIRD TO YOU? UH, IT'S IMPORTED.

Neal:I WAS ELECTED SCHOOL TREASURER LAST YEAR. I DIDN'T EVEN RUN.

Millie · Sean:I PREFER TO GET HIGH ON LIFE. OH, WHOA, WHOA. YOU'RE THAT CHICK FROM THAT THING YESTERDAY.

Older guy · Kim:NO DOUBT. WE'RE FRIENDS OF DANIEL'S. WE'RE LOOKING FOR SOME BEER. HOPEFULLY UNDER A TRUCK.

Ken · Millie:MAN, I'VE HAD 5 BEERS ALREADY. I'M NOT EVEN BUZZED. I HAVEN'T HAD ANY AND I'M SAILING.

Neal:THAT'S THE PLACEBO EFFECT WORKING FOR YOU, MY FRIEND.

Daniel · Lindsay:FIRST PLACE-- ALGEBRA DIVISION? OH, THAT'S RIGHT. YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE, UH... MATHLETES.

Daniel:HEY, IF I EVER WON A BLUE RIBBON... I'D BE SO PUMPED. I MEAN, UH, I WOULDN'T WEAR IT AROUND OR NOTHING, BUT... IT'S COOL.

Sam · Ken:DO YOU GUYS LIKE MY SISTER? SURE. WELL, THEN CAN YOU MAKE SURE THAT SHE DOESN'T GET IN TOO MUCH TROUBLE?

Older party crasher · Ken:LET'S GO, FAT BOY! THAT WAS STUPID, OLD MAN.

Bill:DON'T SAY ANYTHING. BE DOMINANT. IT'S ALL--ALL ABOUT DOMINANCE. I SAW THIS MONKEY SHOW ON PBS.

Bill:IF YOU TALK TO HER FIRST, IT'S A SIGN OF WEAKNESS. AND SHE WILL NOT PICK YOU TO BE HER MATE.

Kim:DON'T WORRY. WE THREW YOUR TEDDY BEARS ON THE FLOOR.

Nick:JOHN BONHAM DIED.

Neal:BECAUSE YOU'RE SAM'S SISTER.

Neal:WHEN I WAS IN THE SIXTH GRADE, MY MOM THREW ME A SURPRISE PARTY, YOU KNOW WHAT THE SURPRISE WAS? NOBODY SHOWED UP. EXCEPT BILL AND SAM.

Neal:AND I'VE BEEN IN LOVE WITH YOU SINCE I WAS 5 YEARS OLD.

Sam:HA, WHAT? THE BUS HASN'T ARRIVED YET?

Ken:I WON 87 BUCKS PLAYING QUARTERS.

Sam:SHOULD'VE HIRED A MAGICIAN.

Sam:THAT'S HOW THE DRUMMER FROM LED ZEPPELIN DIED.