Beers and Weirs

Harold:Harold says 'Who am I trying to impress?' about wearing pajamas/shabby pants to breakfast

Harold:Harold: 'When it's your house, you can wear a tuxedo to breakfast.'

Jean:Jean concedes kids are too old for a babysitter, then immediately adds: 'Mrs. Amendella makes the house smell like an old lady anyway.'

Harold:Harold: 'You know those Sex Pistols? They spit on their audience. That's what I want to do. Spend my hard-earned money to be spit on. Now THAT'S entertainment.'

Lindsay:Lindsay: 'No, but he died on the toilet.' — in response to Harold defending Elvis over the Sex Pistols

Harold:Harold: 'Well, that's paradise compared to where those Sex Pistols are gonna end up.'

Nick · Lindsay:Nick is devastated about John Bonham's death. Lindsay asks: 'Well, why don't they just get a new drummer?' Nick is speechless.

Daniel · Lindsay:Daniel explains his elaborate price-tag-switching shoplifting scheme. Lindsay: 'Oh, it's beautiful. Clearly worth all the effort.'

Ken · Kim:Ken: 'Hey, if I owned your store, I caught some little kid shoplifting, I'd just take him out back and deal with it.' Kim: 'Oh, would you, Mr. Tough Man?' Ken: 'Yeah, I would, Mrs. Tough Man.'

Kim:Kim immediately embarrasses Ken: 'Oh, like that time when John Ergner kicked your ass? Like — like that?'

Lindsay · Kim:Lindsay agrees to the party just to prove she's not lame. Kim: 'Great. Who's the too-lame one?' Kim sighs: 'Up yours.'

Neal · Sam:Neal's 'Scared Straight' logic chain: 'If you don't care about high school, you won't get into a good college, you'll have no future, and you'll wind up dead or in jail.' Sam: 'Really?' Neal: 'Were you asleep during Scared Straight?'

Sam · Neal:Sam: 'You're in love with Lindsay.' Neal vehemently denies it. Sam: 'Because you have your book in front of your pants.'

Sam · Lindsay:Sam negotiates the party secret and worries: 'Dad will yell at me for not telling on you.'

Sober Students Improv Players:Anti-drinking improv assembly: student actor sobs 'I didn't want to hurt anyone' after being compared to a loaded gun

Mr. Rosso:Mr. Rosso: 'Maybe if you DON'T drink, you WILL be cool.' — delivered with earnest confidence

Mr. Rosso · unnamed student:Mr. Rosso asks the room for 'a kind of party where drinking might occur.' Student immediately yells: 'A SEX PARTY.'

Harris:Harris in the birthday party improv casually asks: 'You know if anyone here has any cocaine?'

Harris · improv students:In the improv, two students sneak off during the party: 'I'm gonna go. Count to 10, then come.' Harris, alone, announces: 'This is the best birthday ever.'

Mr. Rosso:Rosso concludes the wreckage: 'Nothing is more contagious than good judgment.'

Millie · Harris:Millie: 'Let's go get a glass of pop. I hope they have orange.' / Harris: 'Hey, it's a party, isn't it?'

Ken:Ken: 'I love being told not to drink by a pothead hippie guidance counselor. There's probably a bar in the teacher's lounge.'

Neal · Bill:Neal: 'What? Bill, Dallas sucks.' Bill: 'You suck. Dallas rules.'

Bill:Bill capitulates to going — 'Fine, I'll go. But I'm watching Dallas there.' Then, to the girls who overheard: 'I was just joking. I don't — I don't watch Dallas.'

Harold · Sam:Harold's list of household instructions escalates to: 'Don't blow the $50 on those Star Wars cards or those goofy packs.' Sam: 'Wacky Packs.' Harold: 'Ah, whatever.'

Harold:Harold's final departure instruction: 'And turn out the lights when you go out. I'm not made of money.'

Sam · Lindsay:Sam: 'One of their moms talked. She was pretty sad. It kind of freaked everybody out.' Then: 'Oh, and at assembly today, it said that if you drink too much you can die of alcohol poisoning.' Lindsay: 'Sam, you sound like Dad.'

Sam · Lindsay:Sam: 'Well, remember the party where you had a magician? That was fun. Why don't you have a magician?' Lindsay: 'We are not having a magi-- WHY AM I TALKING TO YOU?'

Kim · Sara · Lindsay:The freaks use a fake 'emergency phone call from mom' to pull Lindsay out of class. Sara, the other student: 'No problem. See you at the party tonight. That's a cute necklace.'

Sam · Neal · Bill:Sam's plan to stop the party: hit Lindsay on the head so she has a bump, then call the parents, then blame the bump on the party.

Sam · Neal · Bill:The geeks' plan to cancel the party: 'Maybe you can call your parents and tell them you fell and hit your head.' 'Then what happens when they come home and see my head is fine?' 'Well, we'd have to hit you over the head and give you a bump.'

Bill · Neal:Neal explains non-alcoholic beer: Bill asks 'What's non-alcoholic beer?' Neal: 'It's just like beer, but it doesn't have that ingredient that makes you drunk.' Bill: 'Alcohol?' Neal: 'Yeah.'

Neal:Neal resists spending his bar mitzvah money: 'It's not like I get to have another one.'

Neal:Neal: 'I'm saving it to go backpacking across Europe.'

Sam · Neal:Sam says 'Mazel tov' after Neal capitulates and agrees to spend his bar mitzvah money. Neal: 'Oh, shut up.'

Bill:Bill in the liquor store: 'What if somebody robs this place while we're in here? People are always getting shot in liquor stores.' Beat. 'Do you think they sell Yoo-hoo here? I'm kinda thirsty.'

Neal · Bill:Neal to Bill after the Yoo-hoo comment: 'Yeah, Bill, why don't you ask the guy? Maybe he can change your diaper, too.' Bill: 'Hey, that was unnecessary.'

Sam · store clerk:Sam to the liquor store clerk, deadpan: 'We're out of Pop Rocks. Uh, a keg of beer, please.' Clerk looks at them. 'Uh, no, we'd like non-alcoholic beer.'

Sam · store clerk:Sam explains the keg switch to the clerk: 'Oh, we're gonna switch the kegs at his sister's party.' Clerk laughs: 'Righteous.'

Neal · Lindsay · Sam · Bill:Neal tries to distract Lindsay by suggesting she play Chicago with their 'really hot horn section' while Sam and Bill struggle noisily with the keg outside

Neal:Neal, while distracting Lindsay: 'Friday night, always a good night for some Sabbath. 'Cause you know, Friday... is the Sabbath... for the Jews.'

Bill · Sam:Bill revealing Neal's crush mid-keg-switch: 'Why? He's in love with your sister.' / Sam: 'What? Ow!'

Bill · Sam:Bill, still working on the keg switch while Neal is upstairs: 'If Neal marries your sister, then he'd be your brother-in-law. Then, if you had kids, Neal would be their Uncle Neal. And then I bet Lindsay's kids would look like Neal.'

Bill · Sam:Bill starts to reveal Neal told him something about Lindsay. Sam: 'He doesn't love Lindsay.' Bill: 'That's not what he told... me.' [BANG — something falls]

Sam:Sam explains the crash to Lindsay: 'I think Bill's got an ear infection. It's messing with his equilibrium.'

Neal · Sam · Bill · Lindsay:Lindsay catches Bill — apparently having fallen into something or gotten undressed mid-keg-switch. Neal: 'Uh, Bill's got an ear infection.' Sam: 'Well, help him, Sam. Give him something to wear.'

Nick · Lindsay:Nick arrives at Lindsay's decorated house and says: 'What, are you... what do you think we are, hippies?' Then admires a unicorn: 'Wow. Like that unicorn.'

Daniel · Nick:Daniel arrives, immediately asks to be pointed to the keg: 'Well, I'll tell you how to make it look more party-like. Point me to the keg.' Nick: 'Oh yeah.' Daniel: 'Then I am in the corner.'

Daniel · unnamed partygoer:A partygoer: 'This beer sucks. It taste weird to you?' Daniel: 'Uh, it's imported. Nothing's too good for our friends.'

unnamed partygoers:Another partygoer: 'Daniel probably bought the cheap beer and kept the extra cash.' Another: 'Definitely.'

Nick · Lindsay:Nick's elaborate reading of Led Zeppelin symbolism — 'in Song Remains the Same, he's dressed like a gangster, his head got shot off and multi-colored paint came out of his neck' — and his conclusion that Bonham 'knew he was gonna die.' Lindsay interrupts: 'Could you not sit on that, please? It's glass.'

Neal:Neal, talking to a cool older guy: 'I don't know. I mean, I'm Jewish. It's no cake-walk either.' Then: 'I was elected school treasurer last year. I didn't even run.'

Millie:Millie confronts Lindsay at the party: 'Were you skipping out with your new friends? Or should I call them... drinking buddies?'

Millie:Millie is offered beer. Millie: 'No, thank you. I prefer to get high on life.'

Millie:Millie's departing declaration: 'And I'm going to have more fun than any of you. Sober.' [tires screech as she drives off]

Kim · Daniel's friend:Daniel's older friends arrive. Kim: 'Where's your boy?' Friend: 'Hopefully under a truck. I dumped his ass.'

Kim · older male partygoer:Older guy to Kim: 'That makes you available.' Kim: 'No way, old man. She's mine.' 'AAH! AAH! ALL MINE.' [laughter]

unnamed older partygoer:Older guy at the party: [belches]. 'Oh, man, I gotta pee!'

unnamed partygoers:One guy: 'Man, I've had 5 beers already. I'm not even buzzed.' Another guy: 'You're the man! I don't know what to say. You're the man!'

Millie:Millie, sober, announces: 'I haven't had any and I'm sailing.'

Harris:Harris, the 'Sober Students' performer: 'I only did that because it looks good on my transcript for college.'

Sam · Millie's designated driver character:The 'sober student' from the improv is at the party drinking. Sam confronts him: 'Aren't you a sober student?' He replies: 'I only did that because it looks good on my transcript for college.'

unnamed partygoer:A guy at the party is inviting others to punch him in the stomach: 'Hit me harder. Harder, man, come on! Feel the steel! Man, you're tickling me.'

Neal · Sam:Sam and Neal observe the chaos. Neal: 'They really think they're drunk.' Sam: 'Think so?' Neal: 'Look at them. They're wasted. That's the placebo effect working for you, my friend.'

Daniel · Lindsay:Daniel looks at Lindsay's childhood trophies: 'First place — Algebra Division?' Then: 'Oh, that's right. You're one of those, uh... Mathletes.'

Daniel:Daniel: 'Hey, if I ever won a blue ribbon... I'd be so pumped.' Beat. 'I mean, uh, I wouldn't wear it around or nothing, but... it's cool.'

unnamed partygoer · Millie:Partygoer recognizes Millie from the anti-drinking assembly: 'Oh. Oh, no! That's that chick from the assembly, man.'

Millie:Millie sings a Jesus song loudly at the party while drunk-acting partygoers are around her

Sam · Ken · unnamed friend:Sam approaches Ken to ask him to look out for Lindsay. Ken: 'OK.' Sam: 'Thanks.' Ken's friend: 'Hey, which one's your sister? She's not that chick who's singing, is she?'

unnamed older partygoers · Nick:Two guys start fighting at the party — 'Do you want to go?! I always want to go, grandpa!' — and Nick intervenes, breaking it up.

Bill:Bill's anti-dominance advice to Sam about Cindy: 'Don't say anything. Be dominant. It's all about dominance. I saw this monkey show on PBS. If you talk to her first, it's a sign of weakness. And she will not pick you to be her mate.'

Sam · Bill:Sam kicks Bill out of the room for drinking the NA beer: 'Go into my room, lock the door, and don't drink any more.' Bill: 'That's very dominant.'

Kim · Daniel · Lindsay:Kim and Daniel are making out in Lindsay's room, having thrown her teddy bears on the floor. Kim, caught: 'Don't worry. We threw your teddy bears on the floor.'

Nick:Nick, after attempting to kiss Lindsay, apologizes repeatedly and explains: 'I'm really wasted right now, you know.' Beat. 'John Bonham died.'

Neal · Lindsay:Neal comforts Lindsay: 'You're smart and pretty. You don't take any crap. And you're the perfect girl, and I've been in love with you since I was 5 years old.'

Lindsay:Lindsay calls the police, pretending to be an old neighbor: 'Yes, hello, police? There's a very loud and annoying party going on next door. It's just been going on forever. I'm very tired, and I'm old. I need my rest. I've gotta work tomorrow.'

Neal:Neal, after the police are called, surveys the chaos: 'I'd say this party has a life expectancy of 5 minutes.'

Sam:Sam's response to Cindy asking where the cute guys are: 'Ha, what? The bus hasn't arrived yet?'

unnamed older partygoer:Police arrive. One of the older, rougher guests panics: 'I'm on parole. Let's get out of here before they search the van.'

Sam · Ken:Sam tries to reassure Ken he doesn't need to run: 'You don't have to run, Ken. It's fake beer.' Ken: 'I know. I won 87 bucks playing quarters. This party ruled.'

Sam:Sam's final line as the party ends: 'Should've hired a magician.'

Sam · Bill:Bill, lying on the ground, moans. Sam: 'Hey, Bill, get up.' Bill: [moans]. Sam: 'That's how the drummer from Led Zeppelin died.'