Tricks and Treats

Bill:The elaborate list of exclusions before the bet: no bathroom, no garage, no cleansers, no detergent, no furniture polish, no cut-up bits of sponge

Bill:'I'm just trying to win 10 bucks here. I don't wanna die.'

Bill · Sam · Neal:'I don't want to mess up my hair.' / 'And now step into the soundproof booth.'

Neal · Bill:'AND NOW STEP INTO THE SOUNDPROOF BOOTH.' — the 'soundproof booth' is clearly just the kitchen corner with no acoustic properties whatsoever

Neal · Sam:'Put in some mustard. It's an ipecac. It'll make him barf.' / 'Don't make him barf. My mom cooks dinner in here!'

Neal:'If we're not trying to make him barf, then why are we doing this?' — said while Bill is humming three feet away

Bill · Neal · Sam:'I can hear everything you guys are saying.' / 'Come on, Bill! Quit listening!' / 'I can't help it.'

Sam · Neal:'Then hum so you can't hear us.'

Sam · Neal:The gross cocktail assembly — mustard, cayenne pepper, pickle juice, sardines, vinegar, soy sauce, chili, jelly, dairy creamer, after-dinner mints — built while Bill hums obliviously

Sam · Neal:'Oh, it's bubbling!'

Bill:'Let me see the money first.'

Bill:'It's not bad.' — said after an enormous reaction to drinking the disgusting concoction

Harold:Harold's immediate cynical dissection of the 'free pumpkin' promotion: 'There's nothing nice about it. They give you a 20-cent pumpkin, you give them 10 grand to sell the house. Some deal.'

Harold · Sam:'Hey, that's a dirty movie.' / 'Dad, it's a Get Smart movie.'

Harold:Harold's rant: 'He can miss a night of walking around the neighborhood beggin' like a tramp.'

Lindsay · Daniel:Daniel wearing a hat as a 'costume' on Devil's Day; Lindsay calls it out: 'It kinda sucks.'

Daniel · Lindsay:The Devil's Day hair-removal foam rumor: Daniel claims seniors spray freshmen with Nair; then immediately admits 'No. That stupid rumor's been around for years.' then 'Yeah, I know. I was just goofin' on 'em.' / 'No, you weren't!'

Millie:Millie eating Lick-a-Maid at 7:30 AM: 'It makes my spit taste like fruit juice.'

Lindsay · Daniel:'My dad says you need a muffler. Once he even threw a rock at you when you drove by.' ... 'But I guess you didn't hear it.'

Daniel:Daniel's delayed and alarmed reaction: 'He threw a rock at me?'

Daniel Desario · Millie Kentner:Daniel: 'HEY, KID, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU EATING? IS THAT LAUNDRY SOAP?' (to Millie eating Lick-a-Maid)

Kim · Millie:Kim calling Millie's Lick-a-Maid 'laundry soap' and Millie offering her some

Kim:'Thanks for the candy, Skinny.'

Sam:Sam watching the car leave: 'See? My dad's right. He needs a muffler.'

Mr. Rosso · Lindsay:Mr. Rosso's hall greeting: 'If it isn't the Amelia Earhart of McKinley High.' / 'What does that mean?' / 'Well, you head to class, but you never seem to get there.'

Mr. Rosso · Lindsay:'Don't turn me into the man here.' / '...See? It's workin' already.'

English Teacher:The English teacher's scathing book report list: 'Al Jaffee's Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions,' 'The Novelization of Star Wars,' 'Yes I Can — The Autobiography of Sammy Davis Jr.'

Kim:'Why don't you make out with my butt, and we'll call it love?'

Kim · Nick · Lindsay:'Yeah. I know. I was just messing with you.' / 'She got me with that same joke last week.' / 'It's kinda funny, though.' / 'Hilarious.'

Kim:'No, everybody hates her mother.' — Kim's confident sociological claim

Daniel:'If that's what you need to call it in your diary, Princess.'

Neal · Sam:The Cliff's Notes exchange: 'Uh, perhaps you've never heard of a little thing called... Cliff Notes?' / 'You still have to read them.'

Sam · Neal · Bill:'We're not adults. We're kids until we turn 18.' / 'Maybe you are. But when I hit 13, I became a man. That's only in your temple, Neal, not in the real world.'

Neal Schweiber · Sam Weir:'THE HOTDOG ON A STICK GIRLS FROM THE MALL ARE WORKING IT. THE TALL ONES?' / 'YEAH. JUDY.' / 'THEY'RE HOT. TOOTIE, TOOTIE!'

Sam · Bill:Sam's reluctant Groucho impression: 'Well... [as Groucho] That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever hoird!' / 'Groucho sucks.'

Millie:Millie's secret boyfriend reveal: 'Tommy says that if you do [French kiss] before you've been going out for 6 months, you go to hell.'

Millie Kentner · Lindsay Weir:'I DIDN'T WANT TO MAKE YOU FEEL BAD... SINCE YOU DON'T HAVE A BOYFRIEND AND ALL.' (Millie to Lindsay)

Millie:'I didn't want to make you feel bad... since you don't have a boyfriend and all.'

Nick · Ken · Daniel:'Then how did he get them to name the band after him?' / 'I don't know, man. Maybe he's just a bad ass.' / 'If that's true, that's... amazing.' / 'Hey, maybe we should name our band Zarios.'

Daniel Desario:'HEY, MAYBE WE SHOULD NAME OUR BAND ZARIOS.' (after the Santana discussion)

Harold:Harold's Scott Byron cautionary tale: kid who trick-or-treated into his 20s, now lives at home with his 90-year-old mother, never took a wife

Alan · Sam · Bill · Neal:The Halloween candy-safety escalation: pins and razor blades → rat hair → heroin-injected candy by anti-Reagan hippies → poo dipped in chocolate in Fun-Sized wrappers

Neal Schweiber:Trick-or-treating logistics: 'BRING PILLOW CASES. NO GROCERY BAGS. IF YOUR BAG RIPS, YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN.'

Alan:'Actually, it sounds kinda fun. You mind if I come with you guys?' — Alan asking to join trick-or-treating after describing all the dangers

Sam:'Kinda hate when mom gets goofy like that.' — Sam's deadpan reaction to Jean dancing and singing Monster Mash

Lindsay:Lindsay discovers she's been given a Charlie Chaplin costume — which looks like Hitler: 'Lookin' for Chaplin... I'm only seeing Hitler.'

Sam:'This is ridiculous. I look like Tom Selleck!' — Sam emerging in the Bionic Woman costume

Jean:Jean playing the Bionic Woman on the phone: 'Hold on, I'm gonna put the phone on my bionic ear.' / 'Don't talk so loud! Don't forget, I've got bionic hearing.'

Lindsay:'Hi, Mom. OK. You can... use the phone.' — Lindsay entering to find her mother mid-bionic-woman-phone-call

Harold:'Nice costume. You look like Richard Benjamin in Westworld.'

Harold · Harris:Harold to Bill in the Bionic Woman costume: 'What in the hell are you supposed to be?' / 'I'm a guy with a knife through his head.' / 'Well... Mission accomplished.'

Jean · Harris:'Wow, Harris, that looks really real.' / 'How do you know it isn't?'

Harold:'If I held you any closer, I'd be in back of ya.' — Harold trying to flirt with Jean in costume

Jean · Bill:Bill, in Bionic Woman costume: 'You know, Bill, you look really lovely.' / 'I'm Jaime Sommers, the Bionic Woman.' / 'Oh, of course you are!'

Jean · Bill:Bill in the Bionic Woman costume being complimented by Jean: 'You know, Bill, you look really lovely.' / 'I'm Jaime Sommers, the Bionic Woman.'

Bill · Sam:Neal's mom staring; Sam says people are staring; Bill: 'Why is everybody staring at me? You'd think they'd never seen the Bionic Woman before.' / 'They just probably didn't know she was so hot in real life.'

Sam:'I saw the real Jaime Sommers at the auto show last year. Her boobs weren't that big.'

Bill · Sam · Neal:The trick-or-treat candy debate: rich people give the cheapest candy because 'it's how they stay rich'; Bill is allergic to peanuts, licorice, AND nougat; 'How can you possibly be allergic to nougat?'

Sam · Neal · Bill:The full candy preference argument: wax lips / Pixie Sticks / Chunkies / candy corn — 'I must admit, I'm a wax lips man myself.'

Harold:Harold in the vampire costume jumping out and shouting 'AAAAH!' at trick-or-treaters, making children cry; 'I'm not really a vampire. I own a sporting goods store.'

Jean · Angry Father:The father refusing the homemade cookies: 'Those cookies could have razor blades or pins in them.' / 'I wouldn't do that.' — Jean's wounded response

Harold:Harold to Jean in cowboy/cowgirl costumes: 'Come on, Cowgirl. Let's head out to the barn and I'll give you a real good roll in the hay.'

Daniel · Ken:Daniel's take on Halloween hypocrisy: religious town hangs pictures of devils and witches for Halloween; followed by a long burp as his philosophical conclusion

Ken · Daniel:Ken: 'By the way, how are things going at ass school?' / 'Getting all As.'

Sam · Neal · Old Man:The old man at the door: 'Aren't you guys a little old for this?' / 'We're only freshmen in high school.' / 'High school? That's too old.' / 'We're young at heart.'

Old Man · Sam:'You look like the fricking Tin Man.' — the old man rejecting Sam's Gort costume identification

Bill:Bill at the door: 'Um, ma'am... I hope there aren't any peanuts in these peanuts. 'Cause if there are, I could d-die.'

Neighbor · Jean:Parents dumping Jean's cookies on her lawn, all covered with ants: 'You should see all the parents who are dumping the cookies on your lawn. They're all covered with ants.'

Harold:Harold told to buy candy at Farmer Jack: 'What? Dressed like this?' — Harold in full vampire costume

Harold:'Stupid kids' holiday.' — Harold's parting shot

Ken Miller:'YES, CONGRATULATIONS TO US ALL, INDEED.' (Ken, after they presumably egg or prank someone's property)

Ken:'I'm so happy I'm not at the Ted Nugent concert.'

Harris:Harris receives a fun-sized candy bar from an adult: 'Oh, look. It's fun-sized.'

Neal · Sam · Bill:'I can't believe the hot-dog-on-a-stick girls saw us.' / 'That's months of groundwork down the drain.' / 'Like they'd ever go out with you.' / 'Hey, shut up. They like me. They always give me free lemonade refills.'

Ken:Ken produces a carton of eggs from his jacket: 'Breakfast, anyone?'

Bill · Alan:'Forget it. We went through a lot for this.' / 'Shut your mouth, you little girl.' / 'I'm not a little girl. I'm a Bionic Woman.' / 'Yeah? Prove it.'

Harris:'Fell on my knife.' — the fake-knife kid narrating his fall

Lindsay:Lindsay realizes they egged her little brother: 'Oh my God. We just egged my little brother.'

Sam's friend / Geeks:'Oh my God. They're coming back to finish us off. Run for it!' — Sam seeing the car returning

Ken:'Is it just me, or did he seem upset?'

Kim:'I told you she'd be a drag.' — Kim's final verdict on Lindsay after the disaster

Sam · Jean · Harold:Sam says he was attacked by 'freaks'; Harold: 'Freaks? Like circus freaks?' / 'Jean, I don't think there's bearded ladies running around throwing eggs at kids.'

Harold:'And you are on thin ice, missy.' — Harold to Lindsay