The Garage Door

Harold:'CAUSE AT 8:00 YOU CAN'T SAY, "JANE, YOU IGNORANT SLUT."

Bill · Sam · Harold:Bill sleeping through the SNL opening while friends try to wake him

Bill:WHY DO YOU GUYS ALWAYS PUT STUFF ON ME?

Neal · Harold:YOUR DAD'S THE COOLEST. / I HEARD THAT!

Kim:I THINK IF HE DID, HE'D DIE OF BLOOD LOSS.

Daniel:HEY! HEY, YOUR TUBA IS SO BIG AND SEXY! IT MAKES ME HOT LISTENING TO IT, BABY!

Daniel:THAT'S NOT PLAYING AN INSTRUMENT. IT'S LIKE BLOWING INTO A TOILET.

Daniel:LINDSAY, HERE'S AN IDEA. HOW ABOUT YOU BREAK UP OUR BAND SO YOU CAN MAKE OUT WITH NICK? OH, WAIT, YOU ALREADY DID THAT, THAT'S RIGHT.

Neal:SHE HAD A TOOTH EMBEDDED IN THE ROOF OF HER MOUTH AND MY DAD HAD TO SUCTION OUT, LIKE, A GALLON OF BLOOD.

Harold:WELL, WHAT A CHARMING STORY.

Harold · Sam:YOU KNOW, THE WELFARE ROLLS ARE FULL OF VIDEO GAME PLAYERS. / NO, THEY'RE NOT. / WELL, THEY'RE GONNA BE. TRUST ME.

Harold:DON'T EVEN TRY IT.

Daniel:I THINK I'M GONNA GO PEE.

Kim · Lindsay:JUST BE A BITCH. / I DON'T KNOW-- / LOOK, THIS IS FOR HIS OWN GOOD.

Daniel:IT'S LIKE THE TORTOISE AND THE HARE, ALL RIGHT? LITTLE RABBIT GETS TIRED, GUESS WHO WINS?

Ken:ARE WE STILL TALKING ABOUT THE SAME THING?

Neal's Mom:EVERY TIME I SWING THAT RACKET, EVERYTHING JIGGLES.

Neal's Mom:THE ONLY THING I'M MISSING IS THE LITTLE HAT AND THE MINI-BAR IN THE BACK OF THE BUICK.

Neal's Mom:BABY ANGEL.

Harold:CIAO. HA HA!

Amy · Kim:WELL, LOOKS LIKE YOU ATE 'EM. / OHH.

Amy:WHEN ARE THE TWINS DUE?

Lindsay:NO, HE'S JUST A PAIN IN MY ASS.

Microwave Salesman:WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT? I'LL BET HE WOULDN'T SAY THAT IF HE WAS THE ONE DOING THE COOKING, RIGHT? HA HA. MOO.

Dr. Schweiber:[CAPTAIN KIRK VOICE] WELL, SCOTTY, I HOPE YOU'RE NOT PLANNING TO COOK A TRIBBLE, BECAUSE I BELIEVE THEY'RE BETTER BARBECUED.

Dr. Schweiber:NOT REALLY FUNNY AT ALL.

Dr. Schweiber:DON'T LEAVE ME HANGIN', NOW.

Daniel:MAN, WHY DO I NEED TO GO TO A LASER SHOW WHEN I CAN MAKE MY OWN, IN MY MIND?

Daniel:YEAH, ESPECIALLY IF YOU HAVE YOUR HAND UP WENDY FRANKLIN'S SHIRT.

Nick:IS IT JUST ME OR DID IT GET A LITTLE CHILLY IN HERE?

Daniel:WATCH HER RUN, JUST LIKE A LITTLE RABBIT. I AM THE TORTOISE.

Neal · Bill:SO, I WAKE UP THIS MORNING, AND GUESS WHAT IS SITTING ON THE END OF MY BED? / A TURD?

Bill · Neal:A TURD? YES, BILL, A TURD. AN ATARI VIDEO SET.

Bill:WELL, THERE'S A LOT OF DIFFERENT KINDS OF HUGGING. I MEAN, WAS HE PATTING HER ON THE BACK WHILE HE DID IT, LIKE GUYS DO?

Bill:BILL, I'M QUITE SECURE WITH MY MANLINESS. IT'S OK TO HUG YOUR FRIENDS, SAM.

Bill:REMEMBER THAT TIME IN SCIENCE CLASS WHEN I TRIED TO SNEAK OUT A FART BUT IT CAME OUT A POOP AND THEN I HAD TO FLUSH MY UNDIES DOWN THE TOILET?

Daniel:WE'VE BEEN WAITING SINCE THE THIRD GRADE FOR YOU TO LIKE SOMEBODY. IT'S GREAT.

Ken · Daniel:YOU THINK SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND? / NOT EVEN AN EX. SHE'S A TUBA PLAYER.

Neal:OH, HEY, DON'T FORGET TO LIFT THE SEAT THIS TIME OR MY MOM WILL KILL YOU.

Neal · Bill:YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A DAD. / I DO TOO! I TALKED TO HIM 3 MONTHS AGO.

Neal · Sam:HEY, GUYS, I'M SO LONELY. / WE HAVE TO GO. / CAN'T YOU HANG AROUND? WE COULD HAVE, LIKE, A LITTLE ASTEROIDS CONTEST, OR, UH, BENNY HILL.

Lindsay:CAN I GO TO THE BATHROOM?

Sam:WHY DO PEOPLE HAVE AFFAIRS?

Dr. Schweiber:NO, BACK. BACK. BAD TONGUE.

Dr. Schweiber:IT'S JUST-- IT GETS SO HARD, SAM. I FEEL THAT THERE'S SOMETHING MISSING IN MY LIFE

Dr. Schweiber:IT'S JUST-- IT GETS SO HARD, SAM. I FEEL THAT THERE'S SOMETHING MISSING IN MY LIFE

Bill:I SAW THIS DONAHUE ONCE ABOUT HUSBANDS THAT CHEAT. YOU CAN'T DO IT AT HOME, RIGHT? SO THEY ALL HAD SECRET LOVE NESTS.

Ken:I FEEL ODD.

Neal · Bill:I'M GONNA SAY, HEY, LADY, YOU WANT TO MESS WITH THE SCHWEIBER FAMILY? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT? OK--BOOM! / HEAD BUTT!

Amy:DON'T YOU JUST WANT TO REACH OUT AND TOUCH THEM?

Bill:I'D BE HAPPY JUST TO GET A WIFE. BUT I DON'T THINK I WANT THE KIND THAT'S GONNA GET OLD AND FAT.

Bill:YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE COOL, GUYS? TO FIND A GIRL IN A BOTTLE, LIKE--LIKE I DREAM OF JEANNIE. I'D LIKE TO MAKE OUT WITH HER ON THAT LITTLE COUCH.

Bill:TO FIND A GIRL IN A BOTTLE, LIKE--LIKE I DREAM OF JEANNIE. I'D LIKE TO MAKE OUT WITH HER ON THAT LITTLE COUCH.

Bill:ELIZABETH... I'M COMIN' TO JOIN YOU, HONEY.

Ken · Amy:YOU ARE SEEING IT FOR FREE. I PAID FOR YOUR TICKET. / YEAH, A WHOLE $2.00. HOW YOU GONNA LIVE WITHOUT IT?

Ken:YEAH. NEXT TIME, YOU SHOULD BRING YOUR TUBA AND...JAM.

Daniel:BOY, YOU MUST'VE BEEN REALLY CUTE IN FIFTH GRADE...WITH YOUR LITTLE BLOND PIGTAILS.

Kim:DID YOU LEAN YOUR HEAD BACK WITH THAT SLUT?

Laser Dome Employee:THAT'S NEXT WEEK, MAN. TONIGHT'S SOUTHERN ROCK NIGHT. YEE-HAW!

Ken · Daniel:LIKE, SHOULD I JUST SAY, YOU KNOW / YEAH. THAT'S PERFECT. / YEAH? / WHAT ARE YOU, A FREAKING 'MO?

Lindsay · Nick:I JUST... DIDN'T WANT TO... LEAD YOU ON, AND I KNOW IT'S SO STUPID, BUT... I THOUGHT THAT YOU MIGHT STILL LIKE ME. WOW. YOU'RE REALLY CONCEITED.

Nick:WOW. YOU'RE REALLY CONCEITED.

Ken · Amy:I WANT TO KISS YOU. / UM... / OK.

Harold · Sam:YEAH. MAYBE YOU CAN TEACH ME ABOUT THOSE SPACE INVADERS. HUH? / OH... / [SOBBING] DAD.

Harold:BOY. MUST'VE REALLY WANTED THAT GAME, HUH?