Chokin' and Tokin'

unnamed student:Student theorizes the cafeteria recycles the same meat through the week — Salisbury steak becomes hamburgers, then meatball heroes, then meatloaf

unnamed student · cafeteria worker:After the whole meat-recycling debate, a different student steps up and says 'I'll have the Salisbury steak, please' — worker responds 'Excellent choice, sir'

Daniel:Daniel calls the cafeteria food 'Salisbury dog meat' while ordering

Nick · Lindsay:Nick says 'I could eat again, I'm kinda hungry' — Lindsay says 'You're kinda stoned' — Nick: 'I'm very stoned'

Daniel · Nick:After Lindsay storms off upset, Daniel says 'What's wrong with Lindsay?' — Nick says 'I don't know, man. She's crazy.'

Nick · Mark:Nick pressures dealer Mark about being dry; Mark says his dad found his grow lights and ran over them with his car

unnamed adult:Beat after the grow-lights story where Nick's dad says 'He better have' — implying approval of the car-running-over

Nick:Nick tells Mark 'The customer is king, Mark. The customer is king.'

Harold:Harold flipping through TV channels, sighing — 'Pelicans. Try 2. No, no. Try 4.' [Sigh] '7.' — settling with 'Ah, that's it.'

Harold · Lindsay:Harold sarcastically tells Lindsay the Johnsons should pay her 'a king's ransom to lay around drinking pop and watching TV on their couch'

Sam · Harold:Sam says his favorite Charlie's Angels character is Bosley — Harold is baffled: 'Nobody watches this show for Bosley'

Harold:Harold is wounded that Sam doesn't share his appreciation for Kate Jackson specifically

Harold · Lindsay · Jean:Harold tells Lindsay she can 'test the waters' too — after she gets married

Harold · Sam:Harold tells Sam 'The Cindy ship has sailed. It's time to board another vessel.' — Sam responds: 'Another what?'

Neal:Neal rhapsodizes over a 'New Tri-Folder Organizer' with genuine excitement: 'MM! Very impressive. I have one of those babies myself.'

Neal · Sam:Neal suggests Sam target Vicki instead of Cindy — 'The Cindy Sanders of this world are just... hors d'oeuvres. Vicki is a 5-course meal.' Sam: 'Hor-what?'

Bill · unnamed bully kid:Kid offers Bill 'crushed nuts with your sundae' — Bill's confused 'My what?' — then gets hit with the dessert / physical gag

Sam:Sam deadpans: 'That guy needs a new joke' immediately after the crushed-nuts gag

Bill · Miss Foote:After Miss Foote sneezes, Bill says 'God bless—whoa. God bless you, Miss Foote' — the 'whoa' implying a powerful sneeze he was not prepared for

Bill · Alan · Miss Foote:Bill offers to close the window for Miss Foote; another student whispers 'Brown noser' — class laughs

Bill:Bill lists his allergies: 'bees and air and cats and dogs. Well, not dogs. Well, some dogs.'

Bill · Miss Foote:Bill matter-of-factly: 'If I eat a peanut, I could die.' Teacher: 'Wow. Really?' Bill: 'Yeah. It happened once.'

Alan · Bill:Bully: 'So don't eat 'em, dork.' Bill: 'I don't. If I did, I could die.'

Bill · Neal · Sam:Bill outs Neal's psoriasis as 'lizard skin' and Sam's blood-fainting in class — completely torpedoing any social progress

Sam · Bill:Sam confronts Bill: 'I got a better chance with Miss Foote than you have with Vicki, and I don't have a chance at all.'

Nick · Kim:Nick, who is clearly high, asks the freaks for pot. Kim: 'Um, not be stoned?'

Daniel · Nick:Daniel accuses Nick of never passing a joint in his life; Nick's wounded 'You haven't passed a joint in your life'

Ken:Ken suggests that instead of throwing away the weed, Daniel should 'donate it to a worthy cause. Like, uh, me.'

Daniel · Nick:Daniel refuses to give Nick the weed: 'I can't give it to you.' / Nick: 'Why not?' / Daniel: 'I care about you.'

Nick:Nick after 5 days without pot: 'I almost smoked my mom's ferns last night.'

Nick · Lindsay:Lindsay notes Nick's eyes are clear for once; Nick: 'At least I'm saving money on eye drops'

Miss Foote · Bill:During a history lesson about George Washington Carver and his work with peanuts, teacher adds: 'And for being Bill's mortal enemy' — then self-explains: 'Because you're allergic to peanuts'

Bill · Miss Foote:Bill tells Miss Foote: 'I just don't like you talking so much about my allergies. It makes me look like a geek.'

Bill · Miss Foote:Miss Foote: 'You know, Bill, you're not a geek.' Bill: 'Tell that to the rest of the world.'

Gordon:Gordon declares he doesn't just like sci-fi, he 'LOVE, LOVE, LOVES it!' and immediately asks whose mom is driving

Gordon:Gordon: 'Hey, maybe my mom should drive because she puts all my make-up on in the parking lot before I go in.'

unnamed player:Basketball scene: player dunks, someone says 'that's easy for me... and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar' — visual comedy of presumably non-Kareem-level player

Mark:Mark returns with weed saying 'The eagle has landed' — then announces a 'harvest sale'

Nick · Mark:Mark tells Nick the weed is 'hydroponic' — Nick: 'Like the lettuce?' Mark: 'Yeah, like the lettuce.'

Lindsay:Lindsay declines to smoke weed: 'Dog crap is here, and we don't smoke that.'

Nick · Lindsay:After being built up as a transcendent experience, the first pot-smoking session is shown as: Nick enthusiastically listening to drum fills while Lindsay sits there bored and unmoved

Nick:Nick interrupts the relationship argument to say: 'Oh, shhh... listen to this drum fill. OHH! [laughs] That guy is AMAZING. Do you know how hard that is?'

Nick:Nick to Lindsay: 'You're a drag. And you know what? Here, you see it? I'm really addicted. How am I gonna live without it?' — then dramatically throws the bag away

Bill:Bill spotting Mr. Peanut mascot in a magazine: 'He's probably eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, the liar.'

Sam:Sam: 'Hmm. Let's find out if he's lying.' — implying they're going to investigate whether Mr. Peanut is eating peanuts

Gordon · Bill:Bill's 'I'm sorry' to Gordon about skipping the convention; Gordon: 'I was gonna lend you my Yoda mask, too.'

Gordon:Gordon to Bill: 'You are, but we're too hungry to care.'

Bill · Sam · Neal:Bill bites his sandwich and notes it tastes 'peanuty crunchy' — with increasing alarm

Bill · Sam · Neal:Bill realizes his sandwich tastes 'peanuty crunchy' — the horrified realization landing across his face as Sam and Neal watch

Sam:Sam asks Bill if he wants him to get Miss Foote to discuss the sandwich — a callback to the Bill/Miss Foote flirtation joke

Alan:Bully Alan appears and asks 'Hey Haverchuck, what happens now? Should we call an ambulance?' in a mocking tone — then immediately the answer is yes

Neal · Sam · Mrs. Haverchuck:Neal tells Mrs. Haverchuck: 'Is he gonna die?' — she reassures him no. Then Sam follows up: 'Could you not use the word die in a hospital?'

Sam:Sam explains his semantic distinction: 'Alive is good. Die is bad. Trust me on this. My dad's a dentist.'

Frank:Frank (former student) on returning to school: 'Girls are cuter. A lot cuter.'

Frank · Ken:Frank claims he saw Pink Floyd at the Pyramids — Ken gently notes Floyd has never played the pyramids. Frank: 'Oh yeah. You're right. It was the Dead. I just got confused because I was thinking of another guy I went to both shows with.'

Frank:Frank: 'Hey, saw Floyd at the Laser Dome. They weren't there, but it was their music.'

Mr. Russo:Mr. Russo tells Daniel and Ken: 'Keep burning the bong at both ends and you'll wind up just like him.'

Ken · Mr. Russo:Russo says 'How dumb do I look?' — Ken: 'Do you really want to know?'

Mr. Russo:Russo: 'Learn from Frank... or you'll be Frank. It's your choice.'

Ken:Ken to Russo: 'As much as that's possible.'

Sam · Neal:Sam and Neal comfort themselves in the hospital waiting room by planning what kind of ghost Bill would be: 'Maybe he'd be like Casper the Friendly Ghost'

Sam:Sam suddenly: 'But it wouldn't be like that, would it? He'd just be dead and gone forever, wouldn't he?'

Daniel:Daniel: 'What do people do when they're not stoned? I don't know. Relate to one another?'

Lindsay · Harold:Lindsay tells her dad she can't babysit because of 'woman problems' — Harold immediately: 'I don't want to hear about it. Just get over there.'

Millie:Millie sees stoned Lindsay and says flatly: 'You're on the pot.'

Millie · Lindsay:Lindsay: 'How could you tell?' Millie: 'I'm not dumb, Lindsay. I know what high people look like. I went to a Seals and Crofts concert last summer.'

Millie · Lindsay:Millie agrees to come help only 'for the safety of the child' — Lindsay thanks her; Millie: 'No, thank your dealer.'

Millie:Millie: 'Thank your dealer.'

Mr. Johnson · Mrs. Johnson · Lindsay · Millie:The Johnson parents' frantic babysitting instructions — knives, dog-riding, poison control, balloons

Jean:Jean (Sam's mom): 'When I was pregnant with Sam, I didn't think twice about nutrition. I was drinking a lot back then.'

Jean:Jean caps the confessional escalation: 'When Sam was 4 months old... I dropped him on a brick patio. He had a hairline fracture of the skull.'

Lindsay · Ronnie:Lindsay (high) is found by the kid she's supposed to be babysitting — he's tagged her as 'it' in a game she wasn't playing

Lindsay:Lindsay: 'Nick is stoned all the time. He deals with his parents when he's high. He goes to class when he's high. Why would he do that?'

Lindsay:Lindsay's stoned philosophical spiral: 'What if all of this is a dream? What if it's not even our dream — it's that dog's dream?'

Millie:Millie's response to the dog-dreaming-our-reality theory: 'Life is not that dog's damn dream. We live in God's world.' — then she announces she'll wake the dog to prove it

Millie:Millie wakes the dog: 'ARISE, DOGGY. ARISE.' [dog barks] 'You see? Believe, Lindsay.'

Bill · Jean Haverchuck:Bill, just waking up in hospital: 'Did I almost die?' Mom: 'Yes.' Bill: 'That's cool.'

Bill:Bill tells Sam and Neal about Vicki and Maureen crying: 'If you want, you can tell them that I'm still dying' — then 'I mean, if it'll help you guys get a date.'

Sam · Bill:Sam: 'You are the king.' Bill accepts this immediately.

Lindsay:Lindsay explains why the hospital Jell-O is good: 'Because it was made by food scientists.'

Lindsay:Lindsay reminds Millie that they 'used to watch his show. You used to wish you had a pillow stuffed with his hair. Because it was so fluffy.'

Millie:Millie tells Lindsay: 'Tomorrow, when you're not loaded anymore, you're not gonna believe in God, and you're not gonna want to be my friend anymore.'

Alan · Bill:Alan visits Bill in the hospital: 'Hey, Haverchuck.' 'Hey, Alan.' 'I knew you wouldn't die. I can't believe you'd be such a wuss to die from a peanut.'

Bill · Alan:Bill: 'Aren't you glad I didn't die?' Alan: 'Yeah, I'm glad for my sake. Think I want to end up in juvie for killing you?'