The Diary

Passing Driver:NICE MUFFLER! — someone yells at the girls hitchhiking by the road

Lindsay:Lindsay's naive monologue about 'this whole other America' and how the hitchhiker could be 'an artist or a psychic or an escaped felon'

Lindsay:Lindsay: 'There's this whole other America out there' — delivered with earnest idealism while standing on what is clearly a mundane suburban sidewalk

Kim:Kim's advice: 'One thing that helps — point your boobs towards the road.'

Kim:Kim calls the passing car 'Redneck!' then immediately corrects to 'Cool guy! Come on!'

Lindsay · Driver:Lindsay's painfully awkward small talk with the driver — 'So, are you from around these parts?' — after he reveals he lives at 1210 Lilac Terrace

Driver · Lindsay · Kim:The driver reveals he knows Lindsay's dad and plans to tell him — the entire hitchhiking adventure deflates instantly

Harold:Harold's interpretation of the hitchhiking thumb: 'Hey, stranger, please lock me in your car, drive me to God knows where and murder me.'

Harold · Lindsay:Harold: 'She could have been picked up by Ted Bundy.' / Lindsay: 'Kim does it all the time.' / Harold: 'I bet she doesn't even have parents.'

Coach · Sam · Bill · Neal:The gym class team-picking scene — Sam and the geeks are called last, with other kids literally yelling 'No, he sucks!' during picks

Neal:Neal watching the jocks' mound meeting: 'Must be fascinating.' — then immediately pivoting to 'I hate this. Maybe I'm unbelievably good. But are they ever gonna find out?'

Sam:Sam, trying to cheer Bill up: 'Maybe they're scared of you.'

Sam · Bill:Sam: 'Think we could be arrested for making prank calls?' / Bill: 'Yeah, and we'll get sent to telephone prison.'

Sam · Coach Fredricks:Sam's prank call impersonating 'Mr. Crisp, Gordon Crisp's father' — awkward, rambling, keeps losing the thread

Sam · Bill:After Sam's successful prank call: 'Fellas, I just changed our lives.' / Bill: 'Oh, great. Now we're gonna have to actually play baseball.'

Mrs. Kelly:Mrs. Kelly at dinner: 'Chip, my oldest — he's got water in his brain, but oh, he's a sweet kid.'

Mrs. Kelly:Mrs. Kelly: 'Kim — she ain't the sharpest crayon in the box.'

Mrs. Kelly:Mrs. Kelly casually detailing Kim's lies and misbehavior: 'She says she's seeing a movie — she's fooling around with some guy in the back of a van.'

Mrs. Kelly:Mrs. Kelly reveals she reads Kim's diary: 'She won't do her homework, but she's got a freakin' novel in there.'

Harold:Harold: 'She's as dumb as a crayon. Even her own mother says so.'

Harold:Harold's banana metaphor: 'Do you know what happens when you put a rotten banana in a fruit bowl? All the other bananas go rotten. And that's what Kim Kelly is: a bad banana.'

Harold:Harold's breathless disclosure: 'That she experiments. With drugs! And boys!'

Harold:Harold: 'Maybe she needs her head shrunk.'

Harold · Jean:Harold proposing to read Lindsay's diary — Jean protests — Harold: 'Spooning with a stranger in the back seat of a van, THAT'S a violation!'

Coach · Gordon Crisp:Coach offers Gordon Crisp shortstop; Gordon refuses: 'No, I like playing back-up right.'

Player:Another player responds to Gordon saying he could play shortstop: 'Yeah, and I'm married to Raquel Welch. In my dreams.'

Player · Bill:Team captain announces his pick: 'I'm gonna take... not Haverchuck.' — Bill registers this with a silent beat

Lindsay · Kim:Lindsay telling Kim what her parents said: 'He said you're a bad banana.'

Lindsay · Kim:Lindsay, under pressure, finally tells Kim: 'You're not smart, you do drugs, you have sex... stupid stuff like that.'

Harold:Harold in Lindsay's room, holding a stamp: 'These stamps... I heard the kids put LSD on the back of them.'

Jean · Harold:Jean reads the title of a book she finds: 'Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret.' Harold: 'What?' Jean: 'Oh, just the name of a book.'

Harold:Harold triumphantly announces 'AHA! Birth control pills!' — then: 'Our little daughter with a... sewing kit.'

Lindsay · Harold · Jean:Lindsay's diary warning: 'Anyone who keeps reading on is cursed and will suffer until they die a slow and painful death.' / Harold: 'Woo-oo-oo-oo! Real scared. Read on!'

Harold · Jean:Harold reads that Lindsay wrote Kim has 'a different word for courage' — he and Jean dance around the word 'balls'

Harold · Jean:Harold reads Lindsay's diary entry calling her parents 'the most boring repressed people on the face of the entire earth.' Harold: 'Repressed? I'll repress her.'

Jean · Harold:Jean reads from the diary that Harold comes home 'barking at everyone like a fascist dictator who's scared his...' then giggles and trails off

Jean · Harold:Jean reads full line from diary: 'like a fascist dictator who's scared his penis will fall off'

Kim · Daniel · freaks:The freaks' morbid conversation: worst ways to die — wolves from the feet up vs. deep-sea diver head explosion

Nick · Daniel:Nick and Daniel awkwardly excuse themselves from the bench conversation — 'I gotta go to shop class' / 'I should probably get going... do drugs... oh yeah, and have sex.'

Nick:Nick to Lindsay after everyone leaves: 'You sure know how to clear a room.'

Dr. Schweiber:Neal's dad's prank call story — the 'Maurice' call — and the reveal: 'We'd call back and say, Hello, this is Maurice. Any messages?'

Sam · Bill:Sam: 'Heavy breathing, that's a good idea.' / Beat: 'Hey, I thought your dad worked during the day.' / 'Sometimes he comes home to change his shirt. Root canals make him sweaty.'

Neal:Neal explains Dr. Schweiber coming home mid-day: 'Root canals make him sweaty.'

Bill:Bill's prank call to Coach Fredricks: 'You're a turd. A stinky, fat turd. Go sniff a jockstrap, you poop-head. You love patting boys' butts. Butt — you butt patter.'

Coach Fredricks · Coach's Wife:After the prank call, the coach's confused response to his wife: 'Who was that?' / 'It's, uh, an old friend.'

Sam · Dr. Schweiber · Bill:Dr. Schweiber warns the boys the cops could trace the call — Sam: 'If the cops trace the call, YOU'RE dead.' — pointing at Bill

Kim · Daniel:Kim complaining about Lindsay's Spanish: 'And you should've heard her speaking Spanish. Un moment — un moment. Kim — Kim!' — imitating her in a mocking tone

Kim:Kim, Daniel, and someone else observe a dog — Kim: 'Will you get me a stick? I'm gonna kill that dog!'

Kim · Daniel:Kim: 'I'm not just some whore, you know?' / Daniel: 'Well, you do have sex.' / Kim: 'Well, yeah. With you.' / Daniel: 'Yeah, and I'm a bad man.'

Kim:Kim threatens: 'I'll tear your head off, Daniel. I'll tear it off, and I'll throw it over that fence.'

Daniel · Kim:Daniel to Kim: 'You... are a sex-crazed drug addict.' Kim: 'Screw you!' Daniel: 'I'm just trying to spice up the conversation.'

Sam:Sam at dinner: 'Mom, are you getting a kickback from the fire department?' — about the candles

Harold · Jean:Jean presents Cornish game hens; Harold: 'What the hell?' / Jean explains / Harold: 'What'd you do, put poison in a bird feeder?'

Harold · Jean:Harold: 'Is it a pigeon?' / Jean: 'It is not a pigeon. It's a kind of a chicken.' / Harold: 'Jean, you know we can afford to buy fully grown chickens.'

Harold:Harold plays with his Cornish hen, giving it a voice: 'My little chicken will help him 'cause I'm a brave little chicken! I'm the hero, am I not? Yes! Follow me! We will go! Let's take off! Whoa!'

Sam · Jean:Sam: 'Hey Mom, Dad's playing with his food.' / Jean: 'Well, it's better than eating it.'

Harold · Jean:Harold declares clearing the table 'not my job' / Jean: 'Oh, but it's mine?' / Harold: 'Yes. You don't run a store for 12 hours a day.'

Student · Coach Fredricks:Coach Fredricks has the class sit down — student: 'Oh great, scoliosis testing again.' Coach: 'Shut it.'

Coach Fredricks · Sam:Coach reads the prank call transcript to the class with escalating commitment: 'You are a turd. A stinky turd.' — then adds 'I blow my nose in your general direction' (unprompted), Sam: 'That's not in there.'

Coach Fredricks · Sam:Coach asks Sam to read the transcript in different voices: William Shatner, then Leonard Nimoy doing 'You're a perv and a loser and a turd'

Coach Fredricks · Sam:Coach demands Sam tell him a joke: 'Come on. Give me something to make me laugh.' Sam, panicking, starts: 'OK. A guy goes into a bar with a pig with a wooden leg.'

Sam:Sam's impassioned monologue to the coach about being picked last: 'It's not like anyone forgets who gets picked last. I've always been picked last. Everyone knows. Girls know.'

Daniel · Lindsay:Daniel describing Kim: 'She's like a body without skin.' / Lindsay: 'She's like a bloody—' / Daniel: 'OK, I get it.'

Nick · Daniel · Lindsay:Nick's description of Kim: 'She's like the rawest nerve there is.' Daniel: 'Yeah. She's like a body without skin.' Nick: 'She's like a bloody—' Lindsay: 'OK! I get it.'

Bill · Sam:Bill picks Sam first: 'Gimme Weir.' Sam: 'YES! HA HA HA!' with total abandon

Jock:Jock watching: 'Oh man, the geeks have inherited the earth.'

Teacher · Kim:English teacher calls on Kim for her thoughts on On the Road — extended painful pause as Kim clearly has no idea

Kim:Kim's follow-up: 'I hated the book, alright? I have no idea what it's about... If I handed in something like this, there's no way I'd get a good grade on it.'

Lindsay · Teacher · Kim:Lindsay validates Kim's analysis by citing Truman Capote — 'That isn't writing. It's typing.' — teacher: 'Pearls before swine.' Kim: 'What the hell does that mean?'

Bill · Neal:In gym class, Bill (pitching) walks the batter — Neal: 'Hey man, sure had a lot of fun with your wife last night.' Coach: 'My what?'

Sam · Coach Fredricks:Sam calls time-out on the mound — Coach: 'What are you doing out here?' Sam: 'I just always wanted to call a meeting on the mound.'

Sam:Sam calls a time-out from the mound during the baseball game — not because of a pitching issue but 'because I always wanted to call a meeting on the mound.'

Bill:Bill at the mound meeting, resisting giving up pitching: 'I don't want them to think they were right for putting me in deep right field for 11 years.'

Neal · Coach Fredricks:Neal catches an out and celebrates wildly: 'WE DID IT! WE DID IT!' / Coach: 'That's the first out, you morons.' / Beat / Neal: 'Well... only 8 and 2/3 more innings to go.'

Sam:Sam's puffed-up self-assessment after the catch: 'You see that? I looked like Willie Mays!'

Harold:Harold at dinner: 'Jean, is the grocery store out of normal food? Is that the problem?' / 'Normal food is pot roast. Normal food is meat loaf. It is dead animal, and it is not on fire.'

Harold · Jean:Harold: 'That's how I feel about you, Jean. / Jean: 'Oh please. You like me like you like a pot roast?' / Harold: 'I love pot roast!'

Lindsay · Kim · Sam:Lindsay and Kim come home to find the house suspiciously quiet — discover her parents are... in their room together, clearly mid-intimacy

Harold · Jean:Harold: 'GRR! GRR!' Jean: 'HA HA HA!' audible from behind a closed door.

Sam · Neal:Sam and Neal's horrified reaction to hearing/realizing their parents are having sex: 'EWW! Oh God. Let's get outta here.'

Kim:Kim tells Lindsay she wants to leave: 'But if they call the cops on me, I'm outta here.'

Harold · Jean:Harold opens the bedroom door to greet Kim — disheveled — and is perfectly pleasant: 'Nice to see you, Kim. Thanks for giving Lindsay a ride home.' / Then: 'Jean, could I have a word with you please?'

Kim:Final line: Kim to Lindsay: 'Oh my God. Lindsay... your parents are swingers.'