The Diary

Kim · Lindsay:NICE MUFFLER!

Kim:OK, ONE THING THAT HELPS... POINT YOUR BOOBS TOWARDS THE ROAD.

Kim or Lindsay:REDNECK! OOPS...I MEAN... COOL GUY. COME ON!

Harold:I KNOW, LINDSAY. IT MEANS, 'HEY, STRANGER, PLEASE LOCK ME IN YOUR CAR, DRIVE ME TO GOD KNOWS WHERE AND MURDER ME.'

Harold:I BET SHE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE PARENTS.

Student:NO...HE SUCKS.

Nick:IT'S GOIN'. GREAT. YEAH. IT IS GREAT. IT'S NEVER BEEN GREATER.

Bill:MAYBE THEY'RE SCARED OF YOU.

Sam:MAYBE I'M UNBELIEVABLY GOOD. BUT ARE THEY EVER GONNA FIND OUT? UH-UH. NO.

Neal:AND WE'LL GET SENT TO TELEPHONE PRISON.

Mrs. Kelly:I HAD A BEAUTIFUL HOUSE ONCE. OH, YEAH. UP ON MAPLE DRIVE. MMM. THEN KIM'S FATHER LEFT ME WITH 2 KIDS, AND A HUGE MORTGAGE AND, WELL... THAT'S LIFE, HUH?

Mrs. Kelly:CHIP, MY OLDEST, OH, HE'S A DOLL. HE'S GOT WATER IN HIS BRAIN, BUT, OH, HE'S A SWEET KID.

Mrs. Kelly:WELL SHE AIN'T THE SHARPEST CRAYON IN THE BOX.

Mrs. Kelly:OH, SHE WON'T DO HER HOMEWORK, BUT SHE'S GOT A FREAKIN' NOVEL IN THERE.

Lindsay · Harold:DAD, JUST BECAUSE KIM'S MOTHER IS INSANE-- NO, SHE'S NOT INSANE, HONEY, SHE'S PRACTICALLY A SAINT.

Harold:AND THAT'S WHAT KIM KELLY IS: A BAD BANANA.

Harold:SPOONING WITH A STRANGER IN THE BACK SEAT OF A VAN, THAT'S A VIOLATION!

Sam:NO. NO, I LIKE PLAYING BACK-UP RIGHT.

Student:YEAH. AND, UH, I'M MARRIED TO RAQUEL WELCH. IN MY DREAMS.

Lindsay:HE SAID YOU'RE A BAD BANANA. AREN'T THEY QUEER?

Lindsay:YOU'RE NOT SMART, YOU DO DRUGS, YOU HAVE SEX... STUPID STUFF LIKE THAT.

Harold:THESE STAMPS... I HEARD THE KIDS PUT LSD ON THE BACK OF THEM.

Harold · Jean:AHA! BIRTH CONTROL PILLS. OUR LITTLE DAUGHTER WITH A... SEWING KIT.

Lindsay (diary):WARNING TO ALL SNOOPS! DO NOT READ BEYOND THIS PAGE. IF YOU READ ON, IT'S BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO LIFE AND NOTHING BETTER TO DO THAN TO PRY INTO MINE.

Harold:A DIFFERENT WORD FOR COURAGE. NOT...OH.

Lindsay (diary) · Harold · Jean:2 OF THE WORST ONES ARE MOM AND DAD. / THEY ARE THE MOST BORING REPRESSED PEOPLE ON THE FACE OF THE ENTIRE EARTH.

Lindsay (diary):ANYWAY, CAN ROBOTS REALLY BE IN LOVE?

Lindsay (diary):WHO'S SCARED HIS PENIS WILL FALL OFF

Daniel · Ken:THE WORST WOULD BE GETTING EATEN ALIVE BY WOLVES. FROM THE FEET UP. / UH-UH. NO. IT'D BE WORSE IF YOU WERE, LIKE, A DEEP-SEA DIVER, AND YOU CAME UP TOO QUICK AND YOUR HEAD, LIKE, EXPLODED.

Daniel:YOU KNOW, DO DRUGS... OH, YEAH, AND HAVE SEX.

Sam:BEFORE OR AFTER YOU SHAVE?

Dr. Schweiber:HELLO. THIS IS MAURICE. ANY MESSAGES?

Dr. Schweiber:WE'D CALL BACK AN HOUR LATER AND GO, 'HELLO. THIS IS MAURICE. ANY MESSAGES?'

Bill:FREDRICKS? YOU'RE A TURD. A STINKY, FAT TURD. GO SNIFF A JOCKSTRAP, YOU POOP-HEAD. YOU LOVE PATTING BOYS' BUTTS. BUTT-- YOU BUTT PATTER. YOU'RE A PERV AND A LOSER... AND A STINKY...TURD.

Nick · Kim:OH, THAT SOUNDS TERRIBLE. YEAH. SHE THINKS SHE'S THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND OR SOMETHING.

Daniel · Ken:OH! AND YOU SHOULD'VE HEARD HER SPEAKING SPANISH. 'UN MOMENT--UN MOMENT. KIM--KIM!'

Kim · Daniel:WELL, YEAH. WITH YOU. YEAH, AND I'M A BAD MAN.

Daniel · Kim:YOU... ARE A SEX-CRAZED DRUG ADDICT. SCREW YOU!

Daniel · Kim:YOU... ARE A SEX-CRAZED DRUG ADDICT. / SCREW YOU!

Harold:WHAT'D YOU DO, PUT POISON IN A BIRD FEEDER?

Harold:JEAN, YOU KNOW WE CAN AFFORD TO BUY FULLY GROWN CHICKENS.

Harold:JEAN, YOU KNOW WE CAN AFFORD TO BUY FULLY GROWN CHICKENS.

Harold:LINDSAY, WATCH OUT! THAT LITTLE MINIATURE BIRD OF YOURS IS TRYING TO ESCAPE! BUT DON'T WORRY! MY LITTLE CHICKEN WILL HELP HIM 'CAUSE I'M A BRAVE LITTLE CHICKEN!

Coach Fredricks:SMOOTH MOVE, ALEXANDER GRAHAM BELL.

Bill · Coach:I BLOW MY NOSE IN YOUR GENERAL DIRECTION. THAT'S NOT IN THERE. IT ISN'T?

Bill:OK. A GUY GOES INTO A BAR WITH A PIG WITH A WOODEN LEG.

Bill:BUT I COULD BE GOOD. YOU KNOW, I MEAN, I KNOW I COULD BE GOOD.

Sam · Coach:BUT I COULD BE GOOD. YOU KNOW, I MEAN, I KNOW I COULD BE GOOD. / BUT IT'S NOT MY FAULT YOU GET PICKED LAST. / YES, IT IS. I MEAN, YOU'VE GOT ALL THE POWER.

Nick:KIM? SHE'S LIKE THE RAWEST NERVE THERE IS. YEAH. SHE'S LIKE A BODY WITHOUT SKIN.

Sam · Bill · Neal:I NEED A POWER HITTER WHO CAN HUSTLE IN THE FIELD, WITH A STRONG ARM. GIMME WEIR. / YES! HA HA HA!

Student:OH, MAN, THE GEEKS HAVE INHERITED THE EARTH.

Kim:ON THE ROAD IS ABOUT BEING ON THE ROAD.

Kim · English Teacher:ON THE ROAD IS ABOUT BEING ON THE ROAD. / [LAUGHTER] THAT'S GOOD. THAT'S GOOD. YOU...GO ON.

Kim:I HATED THE BOOK, ALL RIGHT? I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT'S ABOUT, AND THE WRITER WAS CLEARLY ON DRUGS WHEN HE WROTE IT.

Lindsay:WELL, I THINK KIM'S RIGHT. KEROUAC WAS HIGH ON BENZEDRINE DURING THE 3 WEEKS HE TOOK TO WRITE ON THE ROAD.

Opposing Player · Sam:HEY, MAN, SURE HAD A LOT OF FUN WITH YOUR WIFE LAST NIGHT. MY WHAT?

Bill:I JUST ALWAYS WANTED TO CALL A MEETING ON THE MOUND. THIS IS SO COOL.

Coach or opposing team:THAT'S THE FIRST OUT, YOU MORONS!

Coach · Geeks:THAT'S THE FIRST OUT, YOU MORONS! / HUH? OH. WELL... ONLY 8 2/3 MORE INNINGS TO GO.

Harold:NO. NORMAL FOOD IS POT ROAST. NORMAL FOOD IS MEAT LOAF. IT IS DEAD ANIMAL, AND IT IS NOT ON FIRE.

Harold:WE ARE NOT ROBOTS, AND THINGS DO NOT NEED TO CHANGE. I LIKE HOW THINGS ARE. I LIKE EATING THE SAME THINGS. AND YOU KNOW WHY? BECAUSE THOSE ARE THE THINGS I LIKE.

Jean · Harold:YOU LIKE ME LIKE YOU LIKE A POT ROAST? I LOVE POT ROAST!

Harold:I THINK OF YOU WHEN I'M... STOCKING FISHING POLES, AND... I THINK OF YOU WHEN I'M ANSWERING QUESTIONS ABOUT CROSS-COUNTRY SKI WAX.

Sam · Neal:EWW! OH, GOD. LET'S GET OUTTA HERE.

Kim:OH, MY GOD. LINDSAY... YOUR PARENTS ARE SWINGERS.