Dead Dogs and Gym Teachers

Harold Weir:Harold comparing The Who concert to Altamont, a famously violent Rolling Stones show, conflating all rock concerts as equivalent dangers

Lindsay Weir · Harold Weir:Lindsay corrects Harold that it's KISS that wags a bloody tongue, not The Who — 'The Who smash their guitars'

Jean Weir:Jean's immediate 'Ugh, that's terrible' reaction to hearing that The Who smash their guitars

Harold Weir:Harold does a Johnny Carson impression mid-argument: 'May an overfed yak relieve himself on your Buick'

Jean Weir · Harold Weir:Jean defends taking Lindsay to see Rich Little as a comparable concert experience: 'You tell that to the 2,000 people that were laughing their butts off'

Sam Weir:Sam invokes the Guinness Book of World Records to support The Who's claim to being 'the loudest band on earth' as his contribution to the concert debate

Sam Weir · Lindsay Weir:Sam argues that if he can't see Kentucky Fried Movie, Lindsay shouldn't be allowed to see The Who

Harold Weir:Harold announces he'll listen to the Who record backwards to check for objectionable content

Nick Andopolis:Nick proposes taking his cousin Floyd's school bus to the Who concert — 'our own Magic Bus'

Daniel Desario:Daniel's dismissive callback: 'Yeah, a magic school bus. Shut up.'

Nick Andopolis · Ken Miller:Nick announces he wants to write Lindsay a song on his guitar to tell her how he feels; Ken's response: 'You can't even play the guitar, thank God'

Nick Andopolis · Ken Miller · Daniel Desario:Nick claims to be self-taught on guitar and 'a master, like Pete Townshend' — then plays a 'C' chord and sings 'Michael Row The Boat Ashore'

Daniel Desario:Daniel's interruption: 'Hey hey, Coco — this isn't the cafeteria from Fame'

Bill Haverchuck · Gloria Haverchuck:Bill's Mom asks 'Oh no, you're not gonna start dancing again, are you?' — Bill answers 'No' — she says 'Good'

Bill Haverchuck · Gloria Haverchuck:Gloria says she met someone at school — Bill guesses 'Neal's dad? Dick Schweiber?' — Gloria: 'No! Gross! God, you gotta be kidding me.'

Kim Kelly:Kim suggests becoming a witch to control Daniel — 'Cut off a lock of Daniel's hair and stick it to a voodoo doll'

Kim Kelly · Lindsay Weir:Lindsay: 'I don't think so, voodoo's pretty serious.' Kim: 'Well, I'm pretty serious. It's about time I had some supernatural powers.'

Kim Kelly · Lindsay Weir:A loud thud hits the car; Kim insists it's her shocks; Lindsay thinks they hit a squirrel; Kim: 'The world will survive with one less squirrel'

Ben Fredricks · Bill Haverchuck:Fredricks says Bill Murray in Stripes is a 'wiseass' and 'somebody oughta smack some respect into that guy' — Bill Haverchuck's immediate response: 'Bill Murray's the funniest man on the planet'

Ben Fredricks:After Bill defends Bill Murray, Fredricks awkwardly says 'I, um... guess if you're a comedian, you're supposed to be a wiseass, huh?' — beat — then pivots to complimenting Bill's basketball height

Bill Haverchuck · Gloria Haverchuck:Bill excuses himself to 'use the restroom.' Gloria: 'We don't have a restroom. We have a toilet.'

Lindsay Weir · Kim Kelly · Millie Kentner:The freaks learn that Millie's dog was hit by a car 'right between our houses' — Lindsay and Kim's prolonged, guilty, dawning horror as they realize what they did

Lindsay Weir · Ken Miller:Lindsay tells the freaks 'I killed Millie's dog' — Ken: 'Like, with your bare hands?' — Lindsay: 'No, I ran it over.' — Ken: 'Oh.'

Ken Miller · Lindsay Weir · Daniel Desario:After learning it was a car accident: 'You're pretty sick.' / 'I didn't do it on purpose, doofus.' / 'Yeah, it was an accident.' / 'I always say... girl plus car equals dead animal.'

Ken Miller:Ken's extended speech about why dogs are terrible: 'They're stupid, and they smell, and they're ugly... They pretend to [like us], but they're just kissing our asses so we'll feed 'em. I ain't buying into that hoodwink.'

Neal Schweiber:Neal confidently announces: 'I am telling you, M*A*S*H is not funny.'

Sam Weir:Sam's response to Neal's M*A*S*H take: 'I heard Radar O'Reilly has, like, no fingers. That's why he always carries a clipboard.'

Ben Fredricks · Bill Haverchuck · Neal Schweiber · Sam Weir:Mr. Fredricks calls out to Bill warmly in the hallway — 'I'm still stuffed from your mom's pot roast!' — Bill's mortification

Bill Haverchuck · Neal Schweiber:Bill's pained, reluctant confession to his friends: 'My mom is... kinda dating Mr. Fredricks.' — long pause — Neal: 'Don't say a word.' Bill: 'I didn't say anything.' Neal: 'Good. Don't.'

Neal Schweiber · Sam Weir:Neal: 'Here comes Bill's future dad.' Sam pushes back; Neal: 'We can make jokes to each other, just not to Bill.'

Neal Schweiber:Neal: 'Besides, I can kinda see why Mr. Fredricks is dating her. She is kinda hot.'

Bill Haverchuck · Ben Fredricks:Bill refuses to run laps in gym class because he has 'better things to do' — lists 'pick my nose and eat it... or read the comics or go to the bathroom' as superior activities

Ben Fredricks · Alan White:Alan starts laughing at Bill getting in trouble; Fredricks turns on Alan and shuts him down: 'Shut up, Alan. For once in your life, shut your big, stinkin' trap, OK?'

Alan · Bill · Fredricks:Alan cheering on Fredricks: 'Kill him, Mr. Fredricks!' / Bill: 'Shut up, Alan. For once in your life, shut your big, stinkin' trap, OK?'

Bill Haverchuck · Ben Fredricks:Bill to Fredricks: 'What are you gonna do, call my mom?' — then walks out

Sam Weir:[Whispering] 'I never thought I'd say this, but Haverchuck's the King!'

Lindsay Weir · Millie Kentner:Millie asks Lindsay to say something at Goliath's grave; Lindsay's eulogy: 'You had really nice fur... and there's no leashes in heaven...'

Lindsay Weir · Millie Kentner:Lindsay's eulogy continues: 'I remember when my mom used to come over in her furry boots and you would hump her foot... and then you got spayed, and you didn't do it anymore.'

Lindsay Weir · Millie Kentner:Lindsay concludes: 'And we're not sad now because... you lived a very long... long, happy life.' Millie quickly agrees: 'That's right. A long and happy life.'

Millie Kentner:Millie announces she's going to the Who concert: 'Ever since my dog died, they've been letting me do anything.'

Kim Kelly · Millie Kentner · Lindsay Weir:Kim convinces Millie to skip her trig test: 'Blow it off. You're in mourning. You can't be expected to do homework.'

Kim Kelly · Millie Kentner · Lindsay Weir:Kim asks Millie to wear her big coat to the mall — 'the one with the pockets' — Lindsay tells Millie not to; Millie: 'She loves my big coat. She's been talking about it all day.'

Harold Weir · Jean Weir · Lindsay Weir:The Weir family listens to 'Squeeze Box' together — Harold and Jean gradually realize the innuendo while Lindsay is mortified

Kim Kelly:Kim copies Ken's homework — 'He writes like a mental patient'

Kim Kelly · Lindsay Weir:Kim accuses Lindsay of keeping Millie as a 'safe' friend to run back to when she gets scared of her bad friends — then: 'And you know what, if you do tell her, I'll kick your ass.'

Bill Haverchuck · Neal Schweiber:Bill's critique of Fredricks to the geeks: 'He's fat. He's a gym teacher, and he's not even in good shape. And he never runs. You never see him play the games with us.' Neal: 'There's no upward mobility. It's not like you can become... CEO of a school.'

Sam Weir · Neal Schweiber:Sam: 'Maybe — maybe he's not such a bad guy.' Neal: 'He let you be captain in gym class.' Sam: 'You're right. I'll just start calling him Daddy now. Thanks for reminding me.'

Ben Fredricks · Neal Schweiber · Bill Haverchuck · Sam Weir:Fredricks invites Bill to go-cart city — Neal immediately says 'We'd love to go' — Fredricks: 'We?' — Neal: 'OK. All right. We can all go.' — Bill's increasingly resigned 'I guess.'

Neal Schweiber · Bill Haverchuck:Neal to Bill after Fredricks leaves: 'No one else is gonna take us there. It's all the way out in the boonies.' Bill: 'So, you know I didn't wanna go with him.' Neal: 'We'll just ditch him and ride go-carts all day.'

Harold Weir · Lindsay Weir:Harold to Lindsay about 'Squeeze Box': 'That song is pornographic.' Lindsay: 'Dad, come on, don't be a prude.' Harold: 'If I was such a prude, you wouldn't exist.'

Harold Weir:Harold agrees to let Lindsay go to the concert because Millie is going — 'You just keep those boys away from your accordion.'

Ben Fredricks · Bill Haverchuck · Neal Schweiber · Sam Weir:Fredricks gives the geeks gifts from a joke shop — fake poop ('doody'), fake vomit — they are delighted; Fredricks: 'I heard you guys were into comedy, so I picked you up a couple of things.'

Sam Weir · Bill Haverchuck:Sam tries to trick Bill into picking up a fake dollar — Bill: 'No, thanks.'

Nick Andopolis · Lindsay Weir:Nick performs his original song 'Lady L' for Lindsay — 'Is your green army jacket the only thing keepin' you warm tonight?'

Daniel Desario · Nick Andopolis:After 'Lady L': Daniel says 'I thought I would hate it, but I kinda liked it.' Beat. 'Really?' Beat. 'No. Man, that was terrible.'

Daniel Desario · Nick Andopolis:Nick defends using real emotions in songwriting. Daniel: 'Lots of wackos use their real emotions.'

Bill · Fredricks:Bill loses his composure: 'I hate you! You always have to win. All you care about is winning. You don't care at all about other people's feelings.'

Millie Kentner · Millie's Mom:Millie's mom arrives to confront her at the concert parking lot. Millie rebels: 'I'm a straight-A student. I never do anything wrong... It's not like I'm gonna drop acid or have sex in the parking lot.'

Mark:Random concert guy (Mark) cheering Millie's rebellion: 'What a mouth on that chick! That's it! You tell mama! Tell her how it is!'

Ben Fredricks · Bill Haverchuck:Fredricks to Bill in the parking lot: 'You think I'm a stupid jock gym teacher, right? Bing!' — self-identifies with the insult

Millie Kentner · Lindsay Weir:Millie, in emotional distress after her mom confrontation, is offered a beer — 'Millie, you don't drink.' Millie: 'Now's a good time to start.'

Lindsay Weir · Millie Kentner:Lindsay, drunk on confession guilt, blurts out 'I KILLED YOUR DOG!' — Millie's confused 'What?!' — Lindsay: 'I was the one who ran him over.' Millie: 'That's not very funny.'

Lindsay Weir · Millie Kentner:After missing the Who concert: 'I hear they're so noisy, anyway.' / 'Yeah. I hear the bathrooms smell really bad and it's not safe to sit.' / 'Could you imagine holding it for 4 hours?'

Ben Fredricks · Bill Haverchuck:Mr. Fredricks walks in on Bill watching Dallas — 'Oh, I'm sorry, Bill. Did you want to watch something?' — Bill: 'Dallas is on.'

Bill Haverchuck · Ben Fredricks:Bill explains Dallas's J.R./Bobby/Pamela dynamic to Fredricks with surprising expertise and enthusiasm