Noshing and Moshing

Bill · Sam:Bill's dancing is described as 'not sexy' and 'looks like you're having a seizure'

Bill:Bill: 'They don't care that Rerun's fat 'cause he's got the moves.'

Sam:Sam: 'You cut me off mid-funk.'

Neal:Neal: 'I'd be fighting 'em off with a stick' — about his dancing impressing women

Neal · Sam · Bill:The suitcase reveal — Neal builds up enormous dramatic anticipation for what turns out to be a ventriloquist dummy

Neal · Morty:Morty's first words: 'Hi, dummies.'

Ken:Ken: 'Why would you drop out and stay in Chippewa? That's crazy.'

Daniel · Nick · Ken:'She used to be so hot.' / 'She still is.' / 'Yeah, if you like clowns.' / 'Clowns.'

Harold Weir:Dad: 'D? Did you even get your name right, at least?'

Mrs. Schweiber · Dr. Schweiber · Neal:Parents ask if 'Morty is distracting' Neal from his studies — treating a ventriloquist dummy as a serious academic concern

Neal:Neal excuses himself from a serious family conversation to watch Willie Tyler and Lester on Hollywood Squares

Harold Weir:Harold on the Schweiber party: 'We didn't miss anything. It's the same party year after year. It's smarmy. What kind of doctor invites his patients over to listen to his dental jokes? It's sick.'

Lindsay Weir · Harold Weir · Jean Weir:Lindsay: 'I don't have to go, do I?' / Harold: 'You don't have to go.' — undercut immediately by Jean

Neal · Morty:Neal: 'A dummy is someone who calls it one.'

Neal · Morty · Bill:Morty speaks directly to Bill: 'Oh, bet you want a piece of me, huh, Stretch?' / Bill: 'Shut up already.'

Bill · Neal:Bill: 'I doubt it. I mean, ventriloquism isn't funny.' / Neal: 'Perhaps you've never seen a little show called Soap.'

Daniel Desario:Daniel, exasperated: 'I'm gonna go get the stupid pills.'

Daniel's ex-girlfriend:Daniel's ex-girlfriend: 'It's your fault that you're the most unreliable guy on the face of the planet.'

Daniel Desario:Daniel: 'You're certainly reliable. You're always a bitch.'

Neal:Neal: 'In my mind.' [when asked where his report is]

Neal:Neal follows up with: 'I didn't want to write it down because I didn't want to kill a tree. Did you know our rainforests are disappearing?'

Neal:Neal: 'You mean to see Jerry? I love that guy. He owes me money!'

Mr. Rosso:Mr. Rosso: 'Sorry, friend. Picked up a little bug the other night. Long story.'

Mr. Rosso · Neal:Mr. Rosso: 'Sometimes we like to say that everything's fine because, really, things aren't fine.' [five-second beat] Neal: 'Everything's fine.'

Mr. Rosso:Rosso: 'I've had kids lying to me since before you were born. You're new to it, and you're not that good at it.'

Daniel Desario:Daniel, in his father's room, whispers: '[He's] always trying to sleep.'

Lindsay Weir:Lindsay objects to not being allowed to do homework in detention: 'You can't do schoolwork at school? It's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.'

Lindsay Weir:Lindsay's rant escalates: 'Teachers just quarantine bad kids and make them sit and stare into space until their brains get numb. You're manufacturing idiots.'

Lindsay Weir · Mr. Botwinick:The detention monitor keeps adding days of detention each time Lindsay argues back, and Lindsay keeps arguing

Neal · Morty:Neal in the cafeteria: 'This food is fit for a king. Here, King. Here, King.'

Neal:Neal describes performing for the lunch ladies: 'I pretended there was some guy drowning in the beans. HELP ME! [gurgles]'

Sam Weir:Sam: 'Morty, people are looking at us. And not in a good way.'

Neal · Morty:Neal/Morty to a female student: 'What do you say I ditch this chump and you and me get out of here?'

Seidelman · Neal · Morty:Seidelman: 'Nice doll. Did it come with a dress?' / Morty: 'Nice head. Did it come with a neck?'

Seidelman · Neal · Morty:Seidelman: 'How about I kick your butt? / Neal: 'It's not me, it's him.' / Seidelman: 'Oh, OK. How about I kick your butt and HE can talk about it?'

Mr. Kowchevski:Mr. Kowchevski rescues the geeks from Seidelman: 'There's a bus in the parking lot.' [insulting Seidelman's size]

Neal:Neal, after the rescue: 'Some people just don't appreciate art.'

Bill · Neal · Morty:Bill corrects Kowchevski's mispronunciation of Neal's name: 'It's Schweiber.' Morty (through Neal): 'You tell 'em, Morty.'

Bill · Sam Weir:Bill brings up the movie 'Magic' and worries Morty is the kind of dummy that takes over its owner

Bill:Bill: 'One minute it's all fun and games, everybody's happy, and then — Hey, schmucko, why don't you go kill Bill?'

Sam Weir:Sam: 'You get to be a jerk just because your dad's having an affair?'

Daniel Desario:Daniel to Jenna: 'So, uh, how's the dropping out going?'

Jenna Zank:Jenna: 'A lot better than the stayin' in was. A lot fewer idiots hassling me all the time.'

Jenna Zank:Jenna to Daniel: 'Aren't you the guy that had that psycho girlfriend?'

Daniel Desario:Daniel on his ex: 'We don't really share the same interests anymore. She's not into current affairs, I am. She's not a punker, I am.'

Jenna Zank:Jenna: 'You know what punkers don't do? Call themselves punkers.'

Jenna Zank:Jenna on Daniel's music taste: 'All the obvious guys.'

Sam Weir · Bill:Sam and Bill debating whether pulling the fire alarm would cause girls to run out of the locker room naked

Barry Schweiber:Barry arrives at school and calls it 'the old prison'

Barry Schweiber:Barry sees Morty: 'What is this thing? What, are you studying CPR or something?'

Neal · Barry Schweiber · Sam Weir:Neal: 'Hey, Sam. I have detention, so if Mom asks, don't tell her where I am.' / Barry: 'Detention? Not my Lindsay.'

Barry Schweiber · Neal:Barry on the Weirs: 'What is going on with the Weirs lately? You all look so hot. Neal, you gotta spend some more time over there.' / Neal: 'Believe me, I've been trying.'

Barry:Barry describes college: 'Oh, I can't tell you. It would make you feel bad. Really? It's tremendous. There's no detention, there's no—'

Mr. Kowchevski · Barry Schweiber:Kowchevski: 'I'm not— I'm not going anywhere. I'm— I'm not— I'm—' / Barry: 'I graduated 2 years ago.' / Kowchevski: 'Then get... get the hell outta here!'

Mr. Kowchevski:Kowchevski: 'God, I hate it when they come back!' — walking away after Barry

Barry Schweiber · Dr. Schweiber:Barry at the dinner table: 'I'm leaning towards undeclared right now. Yeah, with a minor in sitting on your ass.'

Barry Schweiber:Barry on pre-law: 'Not really, but look how excited they get when I say it.'

Mrs. Schweiber:Mrs. Schweiber: 'And I'm the lucky gal who gets 3 Schweiber men all to myself!'

Neal · Morty:Neal performing 'Kiss for you? No, not for me. Close the door. OK?' — baby-talking as both himself and Morty in a confused loop

Barry Schweiber:Barry: 'I liked when Señor Wences did it. But I don't know what you're trying to accomplish.'

Barry Schweiber:Barry: 'I spotted them at a movie once... that year, he bought me a car for my birthday.'

Ken Miller:Ken to Nick about punk girls: 'You know, all these punk girls hate themselves. It's got to improve your chances.'

Ken Miller · Daniel Desario:The freaks mock Nick's punk hair/appearance as he gets in the car; various insults including 'Edgar Winter called, he needs his hair back for a gig tonight'

Nick Andopolis:Nick: 'We'll see who looks stupid when we get there.'

Jean Weir:Jean: 'Oh, honey, you talked to 3 people and that's 2 hours right there.' [about Harold at the Schweiber party]

Harold Weir:Harold: 'Maybe we should take a picture of this moment, huh?'

Harold Weir:Harold: 'Nobody calls me Harry.' [sotto voce, at the party]

Harold Weir:Harold pre-emptively pocketing drinks: 'There's no way I'm gonna spend all night listening to the same old dentist jokes without plenty of anesthesia.'

Daniel Desario · Nick Andopolis:At the punk club: 'No one carded us. I like it.' / Nick: 'Yeah, man, no rules!'

Ken Miller · Daniel Desario:Ken at the punk club: 'Whoa, I'm not sure what that is.' [looking at something unseen] / Daniel: 'I am. I'll be at the bar.'

Barry Schweiber · Melvin Latz:Barry: 'If one more person asks me what my major is going to be, I'm gonna snap. I'm gonna lose it.' [then immediately gets asked by Melvin Latz]

Barry · Melvin Latz:Barry's running gag: every time he's about to enjoy himself, someone asks about his major. Third instance: Melvin Latz at the party: 'Have you chosen a major yet?'

Ken Miller · Nick Andopolis:Bartender ignoring Nick: 'She's only served people with stupid haircuts!' [from the freaks, noting the irony that Nick's haircut should qualify]

Nick Andopolis · Jenna Zank:Nick: 'How do you like the band?' / someone: 'Puss rules!' / Jenna: 'It's Pus! And they're on next.'

Dr. Schweiber:Dr. Schweiber tells the same dentist joke he always tells: 'The dentist says, Make up your mind, honey. I gotta adjust the chair.'

Barry · Lindsay:Barry teaching Lindsay the word 'fakakte' (Yiddish for 'lame'). Lindsay uses it correctly, Barry: 'That's the perfect use of that word.'

Daniel Desario · Jenna Zank:Daniel getting an ear pierced at the punk club; his courage fails at the last second: 'WAIT! OW!' — everyone is disgusted by the mess

Barry Schweiber · Lindsay Weir:'I lock myself in my room [when high]. It's bad.' / Lindsay laughs / 'Yeah, that stuff, it's fakakte.'

Barry Schweiber:Barry: 'When I was in high school, I got beat up more than Neal, you know. But when I got to college, I said: Look at me, I'm the handsome, dashing Jew!'

Dr. Schweiber · Neal:Neal's father at the party, performing contentment while Neal watches with knowledge of the affair: 'Oh, look at me, look at me, I'm such a good husband.' [paraphrased as character observation]

Barry Schweiber · Neal · Party Guests:Barry asks the party crowd: 'Who wants to see Neal do his ventriloquism?' / [light, reluctant applause] / 'Go on! Get your dummy.' / Neal: 'It's called a figure!'

Neal · Morty:Morty's joke: 'Look at that lady over there. Her teeth are so bad, she should be a professional hockey player.'

Neal · Morty:Morty's joke: 'What's the difference between a proctologist and a dentist? One's a doctor of the ass and the other's an ass who's a doctor.'

Neal · Morty:Morty: 'He's not gonna put me under. Ha, next thing I know I'll wake up and my wisdom teeth'll be gone along with my virginity!'

Neal · Morty:Morty's final joke: 'Why is Dr. Schweiber a dentist? Because he's so stupid he flunked out of medical school!'

Neal:Neal being dragged off by Dr. Schweiber: 'You're out of order! You're out of order! This whole dental practice is out of order!'

Mrs. Schweiber:Mrs. Schweiber's final gift to the scene: 'And you and Morty are very funny.'

Lindsay · Harold · Jean:The Weir parents emerging from the party: Lindsay: 'Oh my God, you guys are hammered.' Harold: 'We're your parents, we're not hammered.' Jean: 'No, a little tipsy, maybe.' Harold: 'Well, your father, he's hammered.'