Kim Kelly Is My Friend

students:Multiple characters bumping into each other, dropping donuts on ground, then being told to eat dirty food

Kim Kelly:MY PROBLEM IS YOUR FACE, DIRTBAG.

Daniel:WELL, IF SHE'S LOOKING FOR NEW CUSTOMERS, I'M UP FOR A TEST DRIVE.

student · Perry:JEEZ, PERRY, YOU'RE LOOKING HUGE.

Neal:THAT GUY HIT YOU IN THE SOLAR PLEXUS.

Neal:I PROPOSE AFTER SCHOOL WE MAKE SOME ACID, POUR IT ON THE SIDEWALK, AND WATCH IT KILL BUGS.

Kim Kelly · Sam:I DON'T WANNA HEAR YOUR LIFE STORY, OK? I WANT YOU TO MOVE YOUR ASS!

Kim Kelly · Sam:YOU ARE VERY CONFUSED, PEE-WEE. ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE EVEN IN THE RIGHT SCHOOL?

Kim Kelly · Sam:YOU CAN'T BE 14, MIDGET. YOU HAVEN'T EVEN HIT PUBERTY.

Kim Kelly · Sam:Kim checking Sam's armpit for hair in front of everyone

Kim Kelly:YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE HAIR IN YOUR PITS.

Kim Kelly:THEN YOU'RE A GEEK.

Kim Kelly · Sam:Kim writing 'GEEK' on Sam's locker and explaining it will help him remember which is his

Bill:YOU DON'T HAVE HAIR IN YOUR PITS?

Kim Kelly · Daniel:SHE'S A SLUT, OBVIOUSLY. / OBVIOUSLY.

Lindsay · Kim Kelly:WHO WALKED IN ON WHO? / GOD, PEOPLE ARE SO GOSSIPY AT THIS SCHOOL.

Lindsay:OH. BUT HE'S SICK. HE HAS IMPETIGO.

Nick:JUST BECAUSE SHE'S ALWAYS ON HER PERIOD, YOU KNOW?

Neal:A DEFACED LOCKER... A HUMILIATED FRESHMAN... AND A BUSTY SUCCUBUS FROM HELL--PERHAPS WE'VE LEFT McKINLEY HIGH AND ENTERED THE CHILLING CORRIDORS OF THE TWILIGHT ZONE.

Bill:YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT SHE WAS GONNA MAKE SWEET LOVE TO YA.

Neal:MY DAD HAS A RULE: YOU DON'T PISS YOUR PANTS AT SCHOOL.

Sam:HEY, I DIDN'T PISS MY PANTS!

Kim Kelly:WHAT WAS THAT, BILBO BAGGINS?

Kim Kelly:ARE YOU GUYS DEFORMED OR SOMETHING? I MEAN, WHAT'S THE DEAL?

Kim Kelly:THIS TIME... IN GEEK BLOOD.

Bill:I, UH, I HOPE SHE MEANT YOUR GEEK BLOOD.

Kim Kelly:GOD, WOULD YOU QUIT YELLING AT ME, YOU PSYCHOPATH?!

Daniel:YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES RELATIONSHIPS CAN BE A DRAG. ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE GOIN' OUT WITH HER.

Kim Kelly:WELL, AS USUAL, MY MOTHER IS BEING A TOTAL SHREW.

Millie:SHE FORNICATES IT.

Millie:'She fornicates it.'

Lindsay:WE CAN'T ALL BE GIRL SCOUTS, MILLIE.

Sam · Neal:WHAT'S A PYGMY? / IT'S A DWARF FROM AUSTRALIA.

Neal:IF YOU DON'T GET RID OF THAT, YOU'RE GONNA BE CALLED PYGMY GEEK FOR THE NEXT 4 YEARS.

Vice Principal · Sam:'This wasn't you?' / 'Well, yeah, but--' / 'You kids don't respect school property.'

Kim Kelly · Lindsay:DID NICK SAY SOMETHING TO YOU? / WELL...YEAH.

Sam:YOU WANT ME TO STAY A MIDGET? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?

Sam:I'M MALNOURISHED.

Sam:KIM KELLY'S A PSYCHO. SHE AND KAREN SCARFOLI? WELL, UH... THEY'RE VIOLENT.

Lindsay:SHE DOESN'T WEAR FRILLY DRESSES OR PRANCE AROUND LIKE A CHEERLEADER.

Lindsay:WELL, MAYBE YOU ARE A GEEK.

Kim Kelly:I GOT THE WORST CRAMPS. I JUST ABOUT DIED ON THE WAY OVER HERE.

Sam · Jean · Sam:I HATE LINDSAY AND HER STUPID FRIENDS. / YOU DON'T HATE YOUR SISTER. / YEAH, I DO. SHE SUCKS.

Kim Kelly:SHE DOINKED RYAN O'NEAL ONCE AT A PARTY.

Kim Kelly:MY PARENTS HATE EVERYBODY. THEY HATE DANIEL. THEY CAN'T STAND KAREN. THE ONLY PERSON THAT THEY LIKE IS YOU.

Kim Kelly:LAST WEEKEND, WE WENT UP TO YOUR VACATION HOUSE IN BENTON HARBOR AND WENT WATER-SKIING.

Kim Kelly:I GOT ONE 'D,' OK? I TOLD YOU MY HISTORY TEACHER WAS A PERVERT.

Kim Kelly:AT LEAST I KNOW HOW TO READ.

Lindsay:MY DAD ALWAYS SAYS A FARMER NEVER REVEALS HOW MANY COWS HE'S GOT.

Kim's stepfather:REALLY? CAN HE GET US A DISCOUNT?

Kim's stepfather:I LOVE RELIEVIN' MYSELF BEHIND A SHOWER CURTAIN.

Bill:THIS KID JUST GOT A LITTLE BIT ON HIM AND NOW HE'S GOIN' TO DISNEYLAND FOR HIS LAST HOORAH.

Neal:I THINK SHE'S A SEX FIEND.

Neal · Bill · Neal:GIRLS DON'T GET HORNY. / THEY DON'T? / ONLY GUYS GET HORNY.

Bill:MAYBE KAREN SCARFOLI'S A GUY.

Sam:YEAH? WELL, AT LEAST, I'M NOT A PYGMY.

Lindsay:BENTON HARBOR... STREET.

Kim's mother:YOU ARE A LYING BRAT! I KNEW IT! I TOLD YOU.

Kim Kelly:NEWS FLASH. YOU'RE NOT MY FATHER, FAT ASS!

Kim Kelly:BENTON HARBOR STREET?

Bill:SORRY TO BREAK IT TO YOU, BUT YOU'RE THE GEEK.

Sam:ADULTS PLAY WITH CHEMISTRY SETS, TOO. THEY'RE CALLED SCIENTISTS.

Bill:MAY I DIRECT THE JURY'S ATTENTION TO EXHIBIT 'A'?

Bill:WHAT'S GEEK MEAN ANYWAY? I MEAN, IT'S JUST-- YOU KNOW, IT'S JUST A WORD.

Neal:THERE ARE A LOT OF FAMOUS GEEKS IN HISTORY-- EINSTEIN, GILLIGAN, GOMER PYLE.

Harold · Kim Kelly:YOU LOOK FAMILIAR. DOES ANY OF YOUR FAMILY SHOP AT MY STORE? / YEAH, BUT MY MOM HATES GOING THERE 'CAUSE IT'S SO OVERPRICED. YOU KNOW, YOU CAN GET THE SAME STUFF AT SPORTSMART FOR A LOT LESS.

Harold:I THINK HE'S STONED.

Kim Kelly:AND AFTER I BREAK HER ARMS, I'M GOING TO TAKE A WRENCH, AND I'M GOING TO PULL OUT HER TEETH ONE BY ONE.

Kim Kelly · Kim Kelly · Kim Kelly:DID YOU DO THIS? / I DID IT. / BECAUSE YOU ARE A SLUT, SLUT.

Sam · Kim Kelly:HEY, KIM, THANKS. THAT WAS REALLY COOL. / NO PROBLEM, GEEK.