Pilot

Brett · Ashley:IT SCARES ME. [awkward silence after overly intense romantic declaration]

Daniel:HE PLAYS DRUMS FOR LED ZEPPELIN, AND HIS NAME IS JOHN BONHAM, BABY!

Alan:SAM QUEER. IT'S FIGHTIN' TIME, WEIRD.

Alan:I ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW WHAT IT'D BE LIKE TO FIGHT A GIRL.

Lindsay:I'M A GIRL. WANNA SEE WHAT IT'D BE LIKE TO FIGHT ME?

Alan:I THINK SHE'S HIGH ON POT.

Sam:AND BY THE WAY, I WEIGH 103 POUNDS. SORRY.

Sam:MAN, I HATE HIGH SCHOOL.

Harold:HE'S DEAD. LET'S GO DIG HIM UP NOW AND SEE HOW COOL HE LOOKS.

Lindsay:THEY'RE JUST A CHANCE FOR THE POPULAR KIDS TO EXPERIMENT WITH SEX IN THEIR CARS.

Harold · Sam:DIED... OF AN OVERDOSE-- HEROIN. DAD, ARE ANY OF YOUR FRIENDS ALIVE?

Harold:THE SMART ONES.

Harold:I'M HAVING A MIDNIGHT MADNESS DEER HUNTING SALE THAT NIGHT, AND YOU CAN COME WAIT ON ALL THOSE NICE HUNTERS.

Mr. Schweiber · student:IT'S SCHWEIBER.

Bill:[Bill doing terrible William Shatner impression] I'M SO HUNGRY I COULD EAT A TRIBBLE.

Neal:JOHN WAYNE.

Neal:AT LEAST YOUR MOM DOESN'T WRITE THE NOTE ON THE BAG.

Alan:OH, MY GOD. YOU'RE SUCH A WOMAN.

Mr. Kowchevski:BE A MAN.

Ken:YOUR BUTT WAS CALLING TO ME.

Nick:YOU'RE THAT CHICK WHO GOT AN 'A.'

Ken:WHO'S YOUR DAD-- HITLER?

Daniel · Ken:I'D RATHER MAKE OUT WITH PRINCIPAL FARBER. OOH, AGAIN.

Millie:BUT YOU'RE OUR BEST MATH-LETE.

Neal:'She brought you your jacket. That means...' elaborate analysis

Bill:NO WAY. WE'RE NOT HER SPECIES.

Bill:YOU'VE SEEN STAR WARS 27 TIMES. DO THE MATH.

Neal · Bill:MAYBE I SHOULD ASK OUT BILL'S MOM. YOU BETTER NOT.

Kim:'Why don't you blow your nose in some bread and make me a sandwich, too?'

Kim:WHY DON'T YOU BLOW YOUR NOSE IN SOME BREAD AND MAKE ME A SANDWICH, TOO?

Kim:WHAT, ARE YOU DOING HER SO THAT SHE'LL HELP YOU WITH YOUR MATH HOMEWORK?

Kim:I SHOPLIFT IN YOUR DADDY'S STORE.

Kim:[Kim spits in Lindsay's face] THERE. NOW WE'RE FRIENDS. SEE YOU AT THE MALL.

Daniel:THAT IS EXACTLY WHY I DON'T CARRY A PURSE.

Sam:SHE'S BEEN ACTING WEIRD EVER SINCE OUR GRANDMA DIED.

Sam:I KIND OF WISH I DIDN'T COME TO SCHOOL TODAY.

Girl:WHAT IF HE WAS MY HUSBAND? THAT'D BE SOME KIND OF JOKE TO YOU?

Coach · Students:PLAY DODGE BALL. [collective groans]

Neal:WOULD SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME WHAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE FUN ABOUT THIS?

Sam:ONLY MY MOM'S ALLOWED TO CALL ME THAT.

Sam:DODGE BALL'S KIND OF A STUPID GAME, ISN'T IT?

Students · Eli:PRESIDENT ELI! [awkward political discussion with disabled student]

Eli:I'M NOT RETARDED. I'M SPECIAL.

Lindsay:AND I'M THE MEAN ONE? HOW DOES THAT WORK?

Lindsay:OH, GOD, PLEASE DON'T SAY THAT WORD.

Lindsay:'Oh, God, please don't say that word.' (about 'math-lete')

Mr. Rosso:I'M JUST JEFF, YOUR FRIEND WHO CARES.

Mr. Rosso:WELL, THEN MAYBE SOMEONE SHOULD TELL YOUR FACE.

Mr. Rosso:HIS KIND SHOULD BE DESTROYED.

Mr. Rosso:HE BROKE MY TAILBONE, BUT THE RESULTS WERE EFFECTIVE. HE GOT EXPELLED.

Nick:YOU GOTTA FIND YOUR BIG, GIGANTIC DRUM KIT, YA KNOW?

Lindsay:HEY, MAYBE I'LL BUY A CLARINET.

Harold:YOU KNOW WHO USED TO CUT CLASS? JIMI HENDRIX. YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM? HE DIED, CHOKING ON HIS OWN VOMIT.

Lindsay:EVERYBODY'S STILL ALIVE. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!

Sam:UM, WHY ARE YOU THROWING YOUR LIFE AWAY?

Lindsay:'No. There's nothing.' Grandma's deathbed revelation

Lindsay:YEAH. HE'S A GONER.

Colin:EITHER WAY. [Colin excited to watch the fight regardless of outcome]

Bill · Neal:WE'RE KIND OF HERE TO BEAT YOU UP. BILL!

Cindy:'I'll save a dance for you.'

Bill:I GUESS THE NOSE BONE MUST HAVE MISSED MY BRAIN.

Colin:I HAD HIS SHOES.

Neal:NO. WE GOT HIT BY A CAR.

Mr. Rosso:MAYBE YOU SHOULD START CALLING ME MR. ROSSO AGAIN.