Counseling

Jim · Pam:Jim explains they're late every day because of the daycare across town, then immediately pivots: 'Why didn't I think of this before? Did you know that there is a daycare center opening right here in this building?'

Dwight:'Well, I guess it's not an evil idea, it's just a regular idea, but there's no good laugh for a regular idea.'

Dwight · Mose:'You remember my cousin Mose?' — Mose is revealed to be the daycare attendant, standing there with 'Welcome, children.'

Pam:'Were you painting in the dark?' — Pam's reaction to the daycare's decor, presumably chaotic/crude wall art

Dwight · Jim:The 'magical toy box' turns out to contain forks, knives, and a soy sauce packet from the break room

Jim · Dwight:'And a soy sauce packet.' / 'That shouldn't have been in there. I'm embarrassed.'

Dwight:Dwight describes the daycare as having a 'feeding trough' and a 'play bucket,' and says the door 'locks from the outside — escape is impossible'

Jim · Pam · Dwight:Jim says 'Prove it' when Dwight claims the door locks, leading Dwight into the room; Jim and Pam then lock him in

Michael · Toby:Michael's counseling session opens with him yelling 'This is the worst! You are the worst. I hate looking at your face. I wanna smash it!'

Toby:Toby's talking head: 'I actually have a degree in social work. I mean, I know a lot of people would just ask a few standard questions and tick off a few boxes, but I've got a chance to do some good here.'

Michael · Toby:Michael: 'I know what you wanna ask me. Did your mom ever see you naked?' / 'So you can molest me?'

Michael:Michael insists on leaving the blinds open 'so everybody can see what a big failure you are' — referring to Toby, not himself

Dwight:'Boycott the Steamtown Mall! Everyone, you heard me. Cancel all your business with the Steamtown Mall!'

Jim · Dwight:Jim: 'The mall itself, or the stores in the mall?' / Dwight: 'All of it! The mall, the stores, the kiosks.'

Kevin:'America's one big mall.'

Toby:Toby describes his peaceful place as 'the walk from the yogurt shop to my car, after I drop my daughter off on Sunday afternoons'

Jim:Jim's talking head: 'I'm glad Michael's getting help. He has a lot of issues, and he's stupid.'

Pam:Pam's cold call: 'Look, I'm not gonna tell you that we have lower prices. Is price something that is important to you?' [pause] 'Okay, well, let me know if anything changes.'

Pam · Jim:Pam asks Jim: 'Tell me everything's gonna be okay.' / 'Tell me I'm good at sales.' Jim unconvincingly complies both times.

Pam:Pam's talking head: 'The unfair thing about working in sales is that your salary is almost all commission. So if you suck at sales, you make almost no money. I guess that's fair.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight confirms he called Jim's clients at the mall and used 'the f-word' on their behalf, as if it were an act of loyalty

Dwight:Dwight: 'That mall is corrupt. Okay, they're appearancist!'

Dwight:Dwight's backstory: He took Mose to the mall 'to get his blood pressure at the Rite Aid' and saw something in a fancy store window

Dwight:Dwight: 'I guess I'm not the kind of guy that's good enough for precious heirlooms.'

Kelly · Andy · Jim:Kelly: 'We should start our own mall.' / Andy: 'Yeah!' / Jim: 'Wait, wait, wait. Actually, that's a really good idea, Kelly.' / Kelly: 'What did I say? I talk a lot, so I've learned to just tune myself out.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight: 'No, you and I... and I.' — correcting Jim when Jim volunteers himself to accompany Dwight to the store

Gabe:Gabe's talking head: 'Did you assume that I would automatically side with the rich, snobby shop owner? How about now?' — implying he looks like or is one

Michael · Toby:Michael cuts Toby off mid-sentence: 'One hour. We've done one hour. Let's just speed this up. Okay, keep it moving. I wanna do all six hours today.'

Michael:Michael: 'Be careful what you wish for, Toby.' — said as an ominous threat before beginning to talk

Michael · Dwight · Andy · Jim:Michael tries to describe the plot of Pretty Woman but doesn't know the title — 'Apparently there's a famous Hollywood movie from the 1980s... beautiful girl.' Everyone has to correct him: 'Pretty Woman.'

Michael · Andy · Jim:Michael describes Pretty Woman's plot: 'The sex worker is denied service... that can't be right.' / Andy and Jim insist on hearing his version anyway.

Andy · Michael:Andy dramatically delivers the 'Big mistake. Huge.' line, cutting off Michael mid-telling

Pam:Pam's talking head: 'I.' — a single word, claiming the title of office administrator to a vendor who asked who was in charge

Pam:Pam stands up and loudly declares: 'I'm the office administrator!'

Pam:Pam's talking head: 'There are a few ways to get promoted. One is to wait for an opening and apply for it. That's the main way. But this could work.'

Michael:Michael Freudian slips: 'When I was sitting at the table, eating my penis... I mean peas.'

Michael:Michael claims he was 'probed by an alien life force — an A.L.F. Alf. You know, I might have actually been probed by Alf. You might think he's a puppet, you never see the lower half, but there's a lower half.'

Jim · Dwight:Dwight's makeover presentation: 'Before me stands your coworker, Dwight Kurt Schrute. Dwight, show them all sides, turn around.'

Kevin:Kevin/Oscar: 'Your shirt and tie are disgusto-barfo.' — evaluating Dwight's current outfit

Oscar · Dwight:The advice 'not so monochromatic, not so matching' — less matching = more rich — confuses Dwight: 'Wait, less matching to appear more rich?'

Dwight · Oscar · Kelly:Dwight's glasses are removed; multiple people say they liked them / thought they were cute; Dwight says 'I can't see.'

Dwight · Andy:Dwight: 'Wait, I see you every day. Can I say, "good month?"' — in response to being told to greet people with 'good morning, good afternoon'

Dwight · Andy · Jim:Dwight's acceptance drill: 'Please. / Thank you. / Copy. Thank you. / Please. / I think he's got it.'

Dwight:Dwight: 'And I was raised by wolves. I was 25 years old before I saw my first human being. Wait, is it a full moon tonight?'

Michael · Toby:Michael: 'Yes, yes, they are all fake stories. What sort of twisted mind would come up with weird stories like that? Three hours, we're halfway done.' / Toby: 'How?'

Toby:Toby surrenders: 'You know what, Michael? You're right. You win. This is pointless.' Then reveals he has 'fun stuff in case my daughter ever comes over' — a box of children's games in his office

Dwight:Dwight's disposable camera talking head: 'Disposable cameras are fun, although it does seem wasteful and you don't ever get to see your pictures. If it's an important event you want to remember, I recommend using a real camera. But I don't care if I forget today.'

Michael · Toby:Michael's story about the baseball game: he felt bad for the pitcher being taken out because 'he wasn't going to be able to play with his friends anymore.' Jeff said the manager was 'making a really good move' — Michael absorbed the abandonment lesson.

Toby:Toby realizes the counseling is genuinely working: 'It's working. I'm doing it.' — followed by an immediate interruption

Toby · Michael:Michael: 'It's very important for you to be liked, isn't it?' / Michael: 'Well, let's not get too... this isn't a counseling session.' / Toby sighs.

Toby · Michael:Toby: 'Dogs don't do that.' Michael: 'Right? Why would a dog do that?'

Toby:Toby's realization: 'You son of a gun.' / then 'You son of a bitch.' — escalating as he realizes what Michael just revealed

Michael:Michael turns on Toby viciously: 'You couldn't help your marriage... Nobody needs your help. Nobody wants it. You can't help anybody. I don't need your help. Am I gonna make you cry?'

Michael:Michael: 'Okay, filled out... Good. Thank you, doctor, take two of these and call me in the morning.' — dismissing Toby after the forms are signed

Pam:Pam's talking head about collecting signatures: 'There are a lot of one-person departments here, so there's a lot of department heads. But I'm off to a good start. Oh man, if I can pull this off, it will be the scam of all scams. And yet, very helpful to everyone.'

Gabe · Toby:Corporate has sent Gabe to double-check Michael's evaluation — Toby marked 'severe' in ALL categories, including 'at risk for homicidal behavior'

Gabe · Pam:Gabe confronts Pam about being office administrator: 'I have gone through everything from the past three years. There is nothing that says that you're office administrator.' / Pam: 'So weird that there's no paperwork.'

Pam:Pam deflects with a story about her Australian friend meeting someone from two streets away: 'Canberra, I think, and she met this guy who lived only two streets away from her in America.'

Gabe:Gabe: 'Statements of such a nature, while they have their place, are overused in a competitive business environment.' — responding to Pam's demand that he make a definitive statement

Gabe · Pam:Gabe: 'Could I get one of those nameplates that says "Gabe Lewis"?' / Pam: 'For sure. Anything else? I'll get it right away.'

Pam · Gabe:Pam immediately gets Gabe a nameplate as her first act as office administrator, after winning their confrontation

Pam:Pam's talking head: 'The first lesson of watching World Poker Tour at 2:00 A.M.: you play the opponent, not the cards.'

Dwight · Jim:The reveal: the 'precious heirloom' Dwight wanted to buy is a pewter wizard holding a crystal

Jim · Dwight:Jim warns Dwight: 'You know you can't buy that now, right? I can come back and get it for you later, but I'm saying right now, we can't do that.' / Dwight: 'Right. 'Cause I'm here for Revenge.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight loses his aristocratic composure and starts yelling at the clerk mid-'big mistake huge' moment; Jim holds him back

Dwight:Dwight delivers his version of the 'Big mistake. Huge.' line anyway: 'You made a big mistake! Huge!'

Jim · Dwight:Jim: 'That was pretty good.' / Dwight: 'Thank you. Please.'

Michael · Toby:Michael forged and faxed his own counseling evaluation forms, then blames Toby for 'getting him so worked up'

Michael · Toby:Michael's final confession: 'I wanna mess everything up so I can fix it and keep my job.' / Toby: 'Good thing I'm here, 'cause I do nothing. I make everybody nervous.'

Michael:Michael's confessional about Toby: 'Good thing I'm here, 'cause I do nothing. I make everybody nervous. Aah!'

Michael · Toby:Michael's doodles during therapy: 'That's the office, huh? Look at that. Angela's cat. Why is Angela taller than Dwight?'

Michael:Michael: 'Psychiatrists tend to be more crazy than their patients. Therapists are whores. Psychiatry is a narcissism machine.'

Michael:Michael: 'I learn more from Dr.** than from Dr. Froyd.' / 'Earth. You don't have to be crazy to live here. But it helps.' / 'I don't know... just use the best one.'