Counseling

Pam:I signed up for staycare instead of daycare.

Michael:You know what? I'm going to open a daycare. I'm going to call it Schrute Farms Daycare.

Michael:Actually, no. I need a good laugh to come up with ideas. That's how I do my best thinking.

Michael:So I'm going to watch funny movies, and then the ideas will just come to me.

Michael:See? Circular logic. It's foolproof.

Pam:Did you fall in a vat of paint, or did the paint fall in a vat of you?

Dwight:Behold! The magical toy box! Inside contains wonders beyond imagination.

Jim:Actually Dwight, that's just the silverware drawer.

Dwight:They're not just silverware. They're a highly organized military unit. The fork is a five-star general. The knife is a colonel. And the spoon... the spoon is a private.

Dwight:I have carefully recreated every detail of Toy Story in my office. Andy's room, the landing strip, the incinerator scene—all of it.

Dwight:I've spent months on this. The lighting, the proportions, even the dust particles are accurate.

Jim:Dwight, is that a soy sauce packet?

Dwight:No. No, that's—that's not part of it.

Jim:It's right there in the middle of Andy's room.

Dwight:It fell from my lunch. It has ruined everything. EVERYTHING.

Dwight:And here we have the feeding trough. We rotate through horses, goats, and the occasional alpaca so the children can learn animal husbandry.

Dwight:I have a daycare model that is very much like a prison. The children will be shackled at all times. They will eat gruel. And they will like it.

Dwight:The door locks from the outside.

Jim:Really? So if we close it, we'll be trapped in here?

Dwight:That's right.

Jim:Well, let's test that theory.

Michael:You know what? I don't need to be here. This is a waste of my time.

Counselor:Michael, the company has required you to attend these sessions.

Michael:Yeah, well, the company can go to hell. And so can you.

Counselor:I'm here to help you.

Michael:Help me? You're the problem! You and your stupid degree and your stupid face!

Michael:My punishment is worse than hell. In hell, at least you know what to expect.

Michael:So the therapist's going to ask me about my childhood, my parents, my dreams...

Michael:And I'm going to have to lie on a couch while they take notes about how messed up I am.

Michael:This is basically just going to be like being at a spa, but sadder.

Michael:Wait, why do you need privacy? What are you hiding? Are you going through my desk?

Dwight:I am hereby announcing my boycott of this office. Effective immediately, I will no longer participate in any office activities, meetings, or social gatherings. I will maintain strict silence and complete isolation from all personnel.

Dwight:This is a matter of principle. A man's integrity cannot be compromised for the sake of workplace harmony.

Kevin:I'm not going to the mall anymore. I'm only shopping at stores now.

Toby:I have a very peaceful place that I go to in my mind. It's a place where I'm sitting on a bench, and there's a little breeze, and it's not too hot, not too cold. And there's a pond nearby, and the water is perfectly still. And I'm just sitting there, completely alone, and no one needs anything from me.

Jim:I'm glad Michael is getting help.

Jim:And he's stupid.

Andy:I have the sales gene! It's just... it's just dormant right now. Like a recessive trait. My dad had it, my grandfather had it. It's in my blood!

Andy:I'm going to find it. I'm going to locate that gene and I'm going to activate it.

Andy:So with commission-based pay, you earn a percentage of every sale you make. The more you sell, the more you make. It's that simple.

Andy:You know, that's actually... that's pretty fair. That's a really fair system.

Jim:Did Dwight cancel all your clients?

Dwight:No, Jim. I didn't cancel all my clients. I only cancelled the ones who were fucking idiots.

Jim:So... all of them?

Dwight:The mall is corrupt. It's full of appearancists.

Dwight:I am a simple man with simple tastes. I enjoy the finer things in life.

Dwight:I was at the mall because Mose needed to get his blood pressure checked at the pharmacy.

Dwight:I was humiliated at the mall. Everyone was taking pictures of me like I was some kind of spectacle.

Kelly:We should totally pretty woman him.

Ryan:What does that mean?

Kelly:You know, like in the movie. We pretty him up, take him shopping, and then he falls in love with us.

Kelly:Honestly, I don't even listen to myself half the time.

Jim:Yeah, so Dwight just assumed I wasn't in his class because of... I don't know, something about my shoes? And I'm just looking at the camera like, 'Did that really just happen?' Classic Dwight.

Michael:How much longer is this going to take? I have a very busy schedule.

Therapist:These things take time, Michael. You can't rush the healing process.

Michael:Well, can we at least speed it up? Like, what if I just tell you all my problems really fast?

Therapist:That's not how therapy works.

Michael:What if I pay you extra?

Toby:Michael, I really think you should open up more. Share more about yourself with the office.

Michael:Okay, Toby. But I'm warning you... once I start talking, I don't stop.

Michael:I'm like a human snowball rolling down a hill, picking up snow, getting bigger and bigger, until I crash into a tree and shatter into a million pieces.

Michael:Also, I have a rash.

Michael:So this woman, right, she's walking down the street in a red dress, and this guy picks her up in a fancy car. And I'm thinking, 'This is gonna be romantic.' But then I find out she's a... she's a prostitute. And the whole movie is about him trying to turn her into a lady.

Michael:I mean, what kind of guy falls in love with a prostitute? That's not a love story, that's a... that's a business transaction that got out of hand.

Andy:Big mistake. Big. HUGE. I have to go shopping now.

Kelly:Wait, what? Why are you doing that voice?

Salesman:Hi, is the administrator in?

Pam:Yes, I'm the administrator.

Pam:I administer this office.

Michael:I just want to say something from the heart. You know, we spend so much time here at the office, and I consider you all like... my children. I mean, my employees.

Michael:I'm telling you, I was probed. By aliens. Last night.

Michael:I have no explanation for the markings on my body.

Michael:Wait... could it have been... Alf?

Michael:You know, Alf had a pouch. Like a kangaroo. So technically, he could have been storing things in there. Snacks, small tools, maybe a tiny flashlight.

Michael:And that's why I think Alf was actually a genius. He was ahead of his time.

Pam:So I was thinking about a raise. Maybe starting at $35,000?

Michael:$35,000? Pam, that's a lot of money.

Pam:Well, I've been here for a while, and I think I deserve it.

Michael:How about $30,000?

Pam:Okay, $32,500?

Michael:You know what, split the difference. $31,250.

Pam:Actually, I'll take it.

Jim:We're going to treat Dwight like a show dog or a model.

Dwight:You know, in the Schrute family, we have a saying: never match your clothes. It's a sign of wealth.

Jim:Dwight, that's not a thing.

Dwight:Of course it's a thing. When you can afford to buy clothes that don't match, it means you have so much money you don't care.

Dwight:Good morning.

Dwight:Good afternoon.

Dwight:Good month.

Michael:I was raised by wolves. Literal wolves. My parents couldn't afford to keep me, so they left me in the forest when I was three days old.

Michael:The wolves took me in. They taught me how to hunt, how to survive. I learned their language before I learned English.

Michael:By the time I was seven, I was the alpha of the pack. We roamed across three states. We were unstoppable.

Michael:Then one day, a park ranger found me and brought me back to civilization. My parents didn't even recognize me.

Michael:I'm not saying I was a werewolf. I'm just saying they never caught the guy.

Michael:And all the details match up.

Erin:Oh, disposable cameras! Those are so convenient. You take all your pictures, and then when you're done, you just throw the whole camera away. It's genius! Why would you want to keep a camera anyway? They're so heavy.

Michael:I'm not calling him my stepdad. He's not my dad. My dad is my dad.

Toby:But he married your mother, so technically—

Michael:Toby, I don't need a lesson in family dynamics from someone who doesn't even have a family.

Michael:So the pitcher gets tired, right? And they bring in a new guy. And I'm like, 'Wait, where's the first pitcher going?' And Jeff says, 'He's done for the day.' And I go, 'But what if he has to pee? Does he just... leave the field?' Jeff looks at me like I'm an idiot.

Michael:My dog ran away, and I couldn't go to the park because I was worried he'd come back and I wouldn't be there. You know? Like, what if he thought I abandoned him?

Michael:I mean, that's what I would think if someone did that to me.

Michael:Your divorce is finalized? Thank God. For a second there I thought you were going to make it work. That would have been the real tragedy.

Pam:I mean, look, what I did was wrong, but in a way, it's actually helpful. I'm teaching people that you can't trust anyone. And that's a valuable life lesson.

Michael:What did Toby say about me?

Toby:Well, on a scale of 1 to 10, your homicidal tendencies are about a 9.

Michael:A 9?!

Toby:Which is good. Most people are a 7.

Pam:So are you firing me or not?

Gabe:I... well, it's not that simple.

Pam:It's actually a pretty simple question, Gabe.

Gabe:There are... variables at play here.

Pam:Yes or no. That's all I need. Yes or no.

Pam:I need you to give me a straight answer. Are we doing this or not?

Gabe:Well, that's an interesting question. I think what we're looking at here is a paradigm where we need to leverage our core competencies while simultaneously addressing the stakeholder concerns and really drilling down into the synergistic opportunities that might exist in a best-case scenario, assuming we can align on the strategic objectives and move the needle on the KPIs.

Pam:Okay, so Gabe's been really difficult about the budget, right? So I'm using poker strategy. You know, sometimes you gotta go all-in, sometimes you fold.

Jim:That's... actually not a terrible analogy.

Pam:Right? And sometimes you just gotta bluff your way through until he folds.

Dwight:That's a losing strategy. Gabe can smell weakness like a German Shepherd smells fear.

Pam:Well, it's working so far. I've already gotten him to approve two new office supplies.

Ryan:Or maybe he's just letting you win because he feels bad for you.

Store Clerk:I'm sorry sir, but I can't serve you.

Dwight:What? Why not?

Store Clerk:Your hands... they're covered in blood.

Dwight:Oh, that. I was just helping a friend move a deer carcass.

Dwight:I was helping Schrute Farms slaughter a hog this morning. That's all.

Dwight:I want to say something. I don't know how to say it. I'm not a man that does well with words. But I have to try.

Dwight:I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.

Dwight:Big mistake. Big. HUGE.

Michael:Why would you draw a woman without a butt?