The Duel

Jim:12 miles per hour? That's... that's Carl Lewis speed right there.

Jim:So Angela complains about speeding cars being dangerous, right? So we get a radar gun to catch the speeders. But now everyone's driving recklessly trying to see how fast they can go past it.

Dwight:That's not how radar guns work.

Jim:I know, but it's funny to watch you get upset about it.

Jim:Look, 13 mph is a respectable speed. That's like, jogging speed.

Dwight:That's not jogging speed, Jim. That's shuffling speed.

Jim:Well, I'm not a professional runner. I'm an office worker.

Pam:My grandmother runs faster than that.

Jim:Yeah, well, your grandmother is very fit, Pam.

Dwight:I clocked myself at 60 miles per hour. I was running with traffic.

Dwight:I can run 60 miles per hour.

Jim:No you can't.

Michael:They called me up to corporate for some big picture meeting. I don't know what it's about.

Michael:But whenever they call you in for a meeting and they don't tell you what it's about, that means you're fired.

Michael:I'm getting fired. I know it.

Michael:Everyone, I have an announcement. We're getting a new candy in the office.

Kevin:Oh yeah? What kind?

Michael:It's a spicy cinnamon candy. Nothing too intense.

Michael:Kevin, I'm going to need you to sit down for this one.

Kevin:Why? I like spicy stuff.

Michael:I'm going to get you some milk. And maybe a juice box.

Andy:Okay everyone, I'm sending out wedding invitations and I need RSVPs by Friday.

Andy:So far I have... zero responses.

Andy:Not even a 'maybe.' Just complete silence.

Andy:I guess nobody's coming to my wedding.

Dwight:Well, they know about you and Erin.

Jim:Dwight's gonna have kids someday, and I just... I picture them, and they're gonna have like, these really intense eyebrows, and they're gonna be very serious about farming.

Jim:I don't even know what to say. Like, how is he not getting this?

Jim:Dwight, I can't believe you would do this. You're supposed to be a man of principles.

Dwight:My personal life is none of your concern, Jim.

Jim:None of my concern? You're making a mockery of everything this office stands for. Angela trusted you!

Dwight:Angela and I have an understanding.

Jim:An understanding? Dwight, I need to know the specifics. How many times? Where? Did you use protection? What were the ambient temperatures? I need details.

Dwight:Why would I tell you any of that?

Jim:Because I'm very upset, and I need to know everything about your sexual encounters to process my emotions properly.

Jim:Wait, what? No! Absolutely not.

Dwight:Oh come on, Jim. You're telling me you never thought about it?

Jim:No! I... why would you even say that?

Dwight:Because I saw the way you looked at me during the fire drill.

Jim:That was disgust, Dwight. Pure disgust. And... okay, I'm a little curious now, but no.

Jim:Where did you and Angela do it?

Dwight:On top of the filing cabinets.

Kevin:I'm sorry, Angela. I didn't know the forms were so important to you. I guess some people just have a hard time keeping their personal life separate from their work life.

Kevin:Angela, you're like a vending machine. You take my money and give me nothing.

Oscar:No, no, Kevin. You have to be more direct. Tell her what you really mean.

Kevin:I... I don't know what you mean.

Oscar:You're saying she's cold, unfeeling, a waste of your time and money. Say it like you mean it.

Kevin:Angela, you're a vending machine and you suck.

Andy:Wait, wait, wait. They're charging me $75 to cut the cake? I'm not paying $75 to cut a cake. I can cut a cake.

Andy:My grandmother cut cakes for 40 years. I think I can handle this.

Kevin:Can I switch seats with you, Pam? I like to watch you work.

Pam:Um... why?

Kevin:It's just... the way you type. The way you answer the phone. You're like a beautiful, efficient machine.

Oscar:Okay, that's weird, man.

Kevin:What? I'm complimenting her!

Oscar:Yeah, in a serial killer way.

Dwight:A Schrute never leaves his post unattended. A Schrute never cries. A Schrute never admits defeat. And a Schrute never eats a turkey that weighs more than 300 pounds, because the legs will snap right off and it's a mess.

Dwight:When I was a child, my father instituted a very strict rule system in our house. If you broke a rule, you had to spin the Wheel of Punishment.

Dwight:One time I didn't do my chores, so I had to spin it. I landed on 'be eaten.'

Dwight:My father said, 'You break the rules, you get eaten. You break the rules, you get eaten. You break the rules, you get eaten.' He sang it like that, in a very ominous sing-song voice.

Angela:I think I should tell Andy the truth.

Dwight:That's a bad idea.

Dwight:That's a terrible idea.

Dwight:That's the worst idea anyone has ever had.

Angela:I need you to tell me you love me.

Dwight:I love you.

Angela:No, I need you to *mean* it.

Dwight:I do mean it. I'm very literal. If I didn't mean it, I wouldn't have said it.

Jim:So Dwight, how often would you say you and Angela... you know?

Dwight:That's inappropriate, Jim.

Jim:Come on, just give me a ballpark figure.

Dwight:I'm not going to—

Michael:Yeah, Dwight, we're all curious.

Dwight:Fine. Tuesdays and Thursdays. Sometimes Saturdays. We maintain a schedule to optimize—

Jim:That's... that's exactly what I was asking for.

Michael:I'm gonna say this once, and I'm gonna say it clearly. What you're about to do has consequences. Serious consequences. And I need you to understand that when you cross this line, there's no going back. Do you understand me?

Jim:Yeah, Michael, I'm just gonna grab a donut from the break room.

Michael:Then you know what you're dealing with.

Michael:Andy, I need to tell you something and I'm just going to rip the band-aid off. Your... your performance review is... well, it's not great. Actually, it's bad. No, it's... look, the numbers don't lie, and the numbers are saying that you're not... you're underperforming in the... the areas.

Andy:What? Michael, what are you talking about?

Michael:I'm saying that your... your synergy with the team is at an all-time... it's low. Very low. And your quarterly objectives, they're not being... objectified. I mean achieved. They're not being achieved.

Michael:Andy, I need to tell you something important about your performance review...

Andy:Yes, Michael? I'm ready to hear it.

Michael:Well, the thing is... you're... I mean... have you considered that... um...

Andy:Michael, whatever it is, I can take it. I'm a professional.

Michael:Right, right. Professional. That's great. You know what? You're doing great. Really great. I'm going to go... make a call.

Andy:Wait, you got this, Michael! You're a great leader!

Michael:I'm in love with you!

Andy:What?

Michael:I'm in love with you!

Andy:I can't hear you!

Michael:I SAID I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU!

David Wallace:You know, Michael, you're always so pessimistic about everything.

Michael Scott:Well, David, that's because I've actually murdered someone.

Jim:Why are you standing?

Dwight:It's a power position. Gives me tactical advantage. I can attack from here, or I can run. Sitting leaves you vulnerable.

Angela:I am completely committed to Andy. I chose peonies for our wedding flowers.

Angela:Do you know how hard it is to get peonies? That's not something you do if you're having an affair with the senator.

Andy:Did you cheat on me?

Angela:It was just one time.

Angela:So we took a break from our relationship.

Angela:That's when I killed Sprinkles.

David:So Michael, what's your management philosophy?

Michael:Well, David, I think the key to being a great manager is to be a great manager. You have to lead by example, and the example you're leading by is the example of a leader. And people respect that. They see you leading, and they think, 'That guy's leading.' And that's when you know you've done your job as a leader.

Michael:I'm very good at improvising. I just make up words as I go along. Like 'improversation' — that's improvisation mixed with conversation.

Andy:So we're keeping it simple?

Angela:That's what she said.

Andy:Thank you all so much for the deception.

Stanley:You're welcome.

Andy:That's it. It's over.

Dwight:Finally! I've been waiting for this day. So... we're together now?

Andy:What? No! The project is over.

Dwight:Oh.

Andy:You can't just waltz in here and take over my project!

Dwight:Your project? I've been nurturing this client relationship. We've been making lovemaking to this deal.

Andy:Making lovemaking? What does that even mean?

Dwight:It means we're building something intimate and beautiful, Bernard.

Andy:It's pronounced 'An-DELL', not 'An-dul'.

Dwight:I've been saying it correctly for years.

Andy:No, you haven't. And frankly, I'm tired of correcting you in front of the office.

Dwight:Your pronunciation is non-standard and frankly, inaccurate.

Andy:It's my name, Dwight. I think I know how to say it.

Andy:You know what, Dwight? I'm tired of your nonsense. I challenge you to a duel.

Dwight:A duel? Finally, a man of honor. Name your terms.

Andy:The prize? Angela's hand in marriage.

Dwight:Angela? You can't use Angela as a prize!

Andy:Why not? You've basically been doing it.

Andy:I choose... a hammer.

Dwight:You've made a grave mistake. I choose a gun.

Angela:Well, it's not the first time two men have fought over me. The last time it happened, we were all wearing masks and there were cameras everywhere.

Michael:So Kevin shows up wearing this tweed jacket, right? And I'm like, 'Kevin, what is that?' And he goes, 'It's tweed, Michael.' So I tell him, 'You feel the need... the need for tweed!'

Angela:I'm settling. That's what this is. I'm settling because my options are limited and I'm not getting any younger.

Andy:Dear Sir or Madam, I am writing to formally challenge you to a duel. I hope this letter finds you in good health and spirits. At your earliest convenience, I propose we settle our dispute through single combat. I remain, yours in courteous antagonism, Andy Bernard.

Andy:I know I'm not the strongest guy in the office. I mean, look at Dwight, look at me.

Dwight:You're soft. Like a soft underbelly.

Andy:That's... that's literally what I have. A soft underbelly. So that's not really a metaphor, Dwight.

Creed:That's how you do it. Sneak up on somebody, strike fast, get out. That's what I do.

Andy:False. Bears eat beets. Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.

Dwight:Identity theft is not a joke, Jim.

Andy:You look like a sasquatch. Your lifestyle is basically Bigfoot—living in the woods, no hygiene, probably eating raw meat.

Dwight:Actually, sasquatches are incredibly efficient hunters with excellent night vision and can run up to 40 miles per hour. So thank you for the compliment.

Andy:Wait, Angela told you she loved you?

Dwight:Of course she did. We had something special.

Andy:Dwight, she told me the exact same thing. Last month.

Dwight:That's impossible.

Andy:I have text messages.

Dwight:She... she lied to me?

Andy:She lied to both of us.

Andy:I can't believe I have to cancel everything. The venue, the flowers, the band...

Andy:And the cake. It's a sailboat. A sailboat cake.

Andy:Who makes a sailboat cake? I made that request. That was my thing.

Michael:That meeting went amazing. I closed the deal, impressed corporate, and I didn't even break a sweat.

Pam:Michael, while you were gone, Jim set the copier on fire.

Michael:What? How did that happen?

Dwight:I was conducting a legitimate office safety drill.

Michael:Well, nobody told me about this. Sounds like you all handled it fine without me.

Ryan:The sprinklers went off. Everything is soaked.

Michael:That's what sprinklers do. They're doing their job. See? The system works.