Prince Family Paper

Dwight:This wire. Where did it come from?

Jim:It's just a computer wire, Dwight.

Dwight:No one 'just' has a wire. Wires are acquired. Obtained. Sometimes stolen.

Jim:It came with the monitor.

Dwight:That's what they want you to think.

Dwight:I found a listening device in the office. Someone is surveilling us.

Jim:Dwight, that's impossible. Who would do that?

Dwight:I don't know yet, but I will find out. I purchased this bug detector at the flea market last weekend.

Pam:Wait, you bought a bug detector at the flea market?

Dwight:Yes, and it's extremely sensitive. It detected this wire immediately.

Jim:Dwight... I think you need to look at that wire more carefully.

Dwight:What do you mean? It's clearly a—wait. This is... this is the wire that came with the bug detector.

Michael:A fax? What is this, 1987? Next you're gonna tell me to send a telegram or use a rotary phone. Faxes are so outdated, David. It's like showing up to a gunfight with a musket.

Stanley:You know who I think is overrated? That actress from that movie.

Kevin:Which one? There's like a thousand actresses.

Phyllis:I know exactly who he means. She's terrible.

Stanley:Thank you! Finally someone agrees with me.

Kevin:No, no, no. I think she's actually pretty good. You guys are crazy.

Phyllis:Crazy? Kevin, she can't even act. It's embarrassing.

Stanley:See, this is what I've been saying all along.

Kevin:You know what? You both have terrible taste in movies.

Jim:Okay, let's settle this democratically. All in favor?

Office:...

Jim:It's perfectly tied. Resolving nothing.

Michael:We might need to seduce someone for information.

Dwight:I'm in.

Jim:Yeah, I'll do it.

Pam:Count me in.

Ryan:I'm ready.

Michael:I need a fake name for this mission.

Michael:I'll go by... Michael Scott.

Dwight:That's your real name.

Michael:Exactly. No one will ever suspect it.

Michael:Okay, where do you want to meet?

Dwight:IHOP. It's efficient and affordable.

Michael:IHOP? Dwight, that's a chain restaurant. We should go somewhere local, you know, support small business.

Dwight:Small business? Michael, that's just socialism with a smile.

Michael:No, it's not! You know what? You're the socialist! You and your IHOP! It's like communist pancakes!

Dwight:That doesn't even make sense.

Michael:You know what, Dwight? You're a socialist.

Dwight:The sign is positioned at a forty-five degree angle. That's not regulation. Jim did this. This is sabotage.

Michael:Okay, Dwight, I've been observing the clouds too. That one looks like a duck.

Dwight:That's a cumulus cloud formation, Michael. It indicates rising air currents and potential afternoon thunderstorms within a 40-mile radius.

Michael:Right, right. So... the duck is angry?

Dwight:There is no duck.

Michael:We need a subtle signal for danger.

Dwight:I propose lip licking.

Michael:Lip licking is neither subtle nor practical.

Michael:You know, in nature, there's a thing called a food chain. It's like a business hierarchy. And at the top of the food chain is the shark. The shark is the boss. But here's the thing - what if there was a single-cell shark? A microscopic shark that could fit inside a regular shark?

Mr. Prince:I just got back from Vietnam.

Michael:Vietnam? That's awesome! How was it? Did you go to any of the beaches? I hear Hanoi is beautiful this time of year.

Kevin:There's a difference between being attractive and being sexually attractive. Like, you can think someone is pretty without wanting to... you know.

Stanley:Kevin, what are you talking about?

Kevin:I'm just saying, I can appreciate a woman's face and her... her general... presentation without imagining her naked on top of me making those sounds.

Stanley:Why would you say that out loud?

Michael:I'm a genius about some things, and stupid about others.

Michael:For example, I'm a genius at sales, but I'm stupid about... cups.

Michael:How do you even drink out of these things?

Michael:Your honor, I move to strike that from the record.

Michael:Objection, relevance.

Michael:Actually, I have no idea what I'm saying right now.

Dwight:I am not just an employee. I am the future of this company. Your son may have been born into this business, but I have earned my place through dedication and superior work ethic.

Dwight:In fact, I should be running this operation. I have already identified three areas of inefficiency that could be corrected immediately.

Jim:Okay Kevin, let me help you visualize this. Imagine you're at a bar, it's late, the lights are low...

Kevin:Okay...

Jim:And this woman walks up to you. She's got dark hair, she smells like vanilla and... let's say... chardonnay. She leans in close and whispers, 'Kevin, I've been watching you all night.'

Kevin:Wait, how does she know my name?

Jim:She just does, Kevin. She knows everything about you. She thinks your khakis are sexy.

Kevin:...Go on.

Kevin:I'm gonna need to think about this one. Like, really think about it. Do I get to keep my current job? What's the salary? Does it come with benefits? Health insurance is important to me. And a 401k. What about vacation days? Can I take vacation days? Because I like to go up north sometimes. And what about my truck? Can I still drive my truck? Because I don't know how to get around without my truck. And what if I don't like the new job? Can I quit? Or am I locked in? There's a lot of variables here.

Dwight:Michael, I've decided to leave Dunder Mifflin. You're an incompetent manager, you play favorites, and you constantly make inappropriate comments.

Michael:Dwight, that hurts. That really hurts.

Dwight:Furthermore, your decision-making is erratic, your leadership style is chaotic, and you have no business acumen whatsoever.

Michael:Okay, now you're just being mean.

Michael:I want to remember this trip. You know what? I'm going to call everyone and ask them what their favorite moment was.

Michael:That way I can compile all the best memories and relive them whenever I want.

Michael:Hey, I heard you needed help with homework. I'm actually pretty good at math.

Student:Really? Can you help me with this equation?

Michael:Of course. What is it?

Student:It's 2x + 5 = 13.

Michael:Okay, so... what's the x stand for?

Student:It's a variable. You solve for it.

Michael:Right, right. So x equals... ten?

Student:How did you get ten?

Michael:Well, 2 times... the letter x... plus 5... I don't know, man. This is some advanced stuff. But I'm confident it's ten.

Kevin:Look, I'm not saying Hilary Swank isn't talented. I'm just saying that in 'The Core,' they had to drill to the center of the Earth to restart it, and nobody blamed her for that. So maybe she's not the problem.

Angela:This entire debate is completely illogical and a waste of time.

Angela:And another thing — I have the correct opinion on this matter.

Angela:She's beautiful, she has this ethereal quality. And she's a very talented actress.

Dwight:Hilary Swank? She's a man.

Angela:What? No she's not.

Dwight:Oh yes, she is. Hilary Swank is a man. I don't know why you're confused about this. Google it.

Angela:Okay, well, I'm not going to Google Hilary Swank.

Dwight:She won an Academy Award, Dwight.

Dwight:As a man.

Angela:She's gorgeous!

Dwight:She looks like a man. Your husband would look exactly like her if he had a cleft chin.

Michael:The mission is complete.

Dwight:I'm going to need to stay in character for at least another week to maintain my cover.

Michael:Okay.

Dwight:Actually, can you just order me a sandwich? I'm starving.

Michael:We did it! We took down that family business!

Dwight:It was a thing of beauty, Michael. Completely destroyed.

Michael:They were nice people too. Really nice people.

Dwight:The nicest. But they had to go.

Michael:Okay, we're out of here. Nice and easy, nobody notices anything.

Dwight:I'm right behind you, sir.

Michael:Okay, just act natural. Walk to the car like we do this every—

Dwight:Michael, the door!

Michael:What? I'm opening it!

Dwight:You ripped off the handle!

Michael:It was already loose!

Karen:You know what? This is personal now. And let me tell you something — if you think about it logically, which you clearly don't, my argument is airtight.

Michael:Okay, so we may have accidentally broken your window while we were... observing you.

Dwight:It was a tactical positioning error.

Mr. Prince:You broke my window? Why would you—you know what, never mind. Here, I'll help you fix it.

Michael:Really? Just like that?

Mr. Prince:Yeah, it's easier than listening to you explain why you were spying on me in the first place.

Jim:Kevin shouldn't be making any decisions.

Pam:Why not?

Jim:Because he has restricted computer access at work.

Oscar:Actually, if we're going to discuss this, we need to establish a clear scientific framework. The data is irrefutable.

Oscar:According to peer-reviewed studies, my position is not only defensible but demonstrably superior.

Michael:Wow, this is... this is really bad coffee.

Michael:Thank you so much for your hospitality. You've been wonderful hosts.

Michael:The moment we leave, I'm going to talk so much trash about you people.

Michael:You know what? We are like sharks. We circle our prey, and then we strike. But here's the thing - we're not just killing them. We're helping them. We're like... philanthropic sharks. We're taking their money and giving them... the gift of knowing Michael Scott.

Dwight:Well, if Prince Paper is found guilty of fraud, he could face up to ten years in prison, substantial fines, and permanent damage to his reputation. His company would likely be dissolved, his assets seized, and he'd spend the rest of his life as a cautionary tale. It's brutal, but that's the law.

Dwight:In nature, when an animal is weak, it is killed and eaten. A lioness doesn't hesitate to kill her own cub if it falls behind. That's business.

Dwight:A baboon will throw his own mate off a cliff to save himself. That's nature. That's business.

Dwight:A raccoon will steal a squirrel's nuts and leave it to starve. That's business.

Dwight:Michael, when faced with a difficult decision, you must channel your inner warrior. Close your eyes. Feel the power of the beet farm flowing through your veins.

Dwight:Ask yourself: What would a apex predator do? A lion doesn't deliberate. A bear doesn't second-guess. They act with conviction and dominance.

Dwight:Therefore, you must trust your gut instinct, eliminate distractions, and commit fully to your choice. Indecision is weakness.

Michael:Wow, Dwight. That's actually... really good advice.

Dwight:Of course it is. I didn't go to Cornell to waste my words.

Stanley:I'm trying to be more optimistic. I figure I got maybe 20, 25 years left. That's not so bad.

Stanley:You know, I've been thinking about this whole situation. It's all about perspective, really. Some people see the glass as half empty, others see it as half full. But when it comes to her, I see...

Stanley:She's hot.

Michael:You know, what we're doing here... it's not just about the money or the competition. It's about doing what's right. And sometimes doing what's right means... well, it means being a little bit bad. Like Frodo. He had to go into Mordor, steal the ring, destroy it. Nobody was like, 'Frodo, that's corporate espionage.' They were like, 'Frodo, you're a hero.' We're just like Frodo.

Michael:I can't do this. Prince Paper is a good company. I'm a good person.

Dwight:Michael, we have to destroy them. It's business.

Michael:No, Dwight. No more. I won't be party to this.

Dwight:You coward!

Michael:I'm leaving!

Dwight:Get back here!

Michael:You can't just take these documents, Dwight!

Dwight:As Assistant Regional Manager, I have every right!

Michael:Assistant TO the Regional Manager!

Dwight:That's what I said!

Michael:You know what? I was wrong. Business isn't like nature. Nature doesn't have quarterly earnings reports or hostile takeovers. Nature just... exists. And maybe that's what we should be doing here instead of trying to destroy each other.

Jim:You know what? We've been arguing about this for like twenty minutes, and we're not any closer to figuring out if Hilary Swank is hot or not. Which is insane, because we're literally debating the objective hotness of a real person like it's going to change anything. And honestly, the fact that we care this much about it is probably the least hot thing any of us have done all day.

Michael:You know, I've worked really hard to get where I am. And sure, maybe corporate has slightly destroyed everything I've built here, but that's the price of success.

Michael:I don't like things that are bittersweet. They're not sweet, they're not bitter. I don't know what to expect. Like, is it gonna be good? Is it gonna be bad?

Michael:The same with bittersweet chocolate. I don't trust it. That's not real chocolate.

Michael:Whoa, whoa, whoa. What is this? Let me see.

Michael:Oh my God. Obviously it's a [takes definitive stance].

Michael:Wait, why is everyone looking at me like that?

Michael:You know what? I don't care. I'm staying out of this.