Finding David

Moira:Has anyone seen my brown bag? My favorite brown bag?

Johnny:Moira, you have seventeen brown bags. You have brown bags in colors that brown hasn't even been invented yet.

Moira:It's a crocodile bag. A real crocodile bag.

Johnny:It's not a crocodile bag, Moira. It's an alligator bag.

Moira:Well, what's the difference?

Johnny:One is a crocodile and one is an alligator.

Moira:My bag! My beautiful, Italian leather bag! Gone. Just like my dignity, my fortune, and my will to live.

Moira:David would never steal. He doesn't have the physical dexterity for it.

Moira:Besides, if he had that kind of money, he'd spend it on something practical. Like a black turtleneck. Or another black turtleneck.

Stevie:You've been in that robe all day.

Moira:I have not been in this robe all day. I've been in several robes.

Johnny:Stevie, I really appreciate you helping us look for David. I know you two are... close.

Stevie:Yeah, well, he's important to me.

Johnny:Yes, I'm aware. Very... intimately aware.

Alexis:Has anyone seen David? He's been gone for like three hours and he didn't tell me where he was going.

Moira:David is a grown man, Alexis. He doesn't need to report his whereabouts to you.

Alexis:I know, but he always tells me. Stevie, you haven't heard from him?

Stevie:No, not since this morning.

Johnny:I'm sure he's fine. He probably just needed some air.

Alexis:Okay, but like, has anyone seen my good hair clip? Because I can't find it anywhere.

Moira:I'm here!

Alexis:I need more space in this relationship.

Ted:More space? Alexis, I proposed to you.

Alexis:I know, and that was like, harassment.

Stevie:I'm so sorry for your loss.

Moira:Well, David's idea of teenage rebellion involved private jets.

Moira:David will be fine. He has an eye for luxury goods. I'm sure he'll find a way to... fence them.

Moira:This bag is a family heirloom. It's been passed down through generations of Rose women, each one using it for the exact same purpose.

David:What purpose?

Moira:Escaping marriages.

Moira:I will never need an escape bag.

Johnny:You're right, you won't.

Moira:Alexis, however...

Johnny:Oh, she'll need multiple.

Mutt:I shouldn't come in.

Mutt:I'm already inside uninvited.

Alexis:My family is going through some really complicated stuff right now.

Mutt:Yeah, I heard. That's rough.

Alexis:I mean, we lost everything. Our money, our house, our staff...

Mutt:Mm-hmm.

Alexis:So, I was wondering if maybe you could—

Mutt:I'm not gonna be able to help you with that.

Alexis:My parents have completely lost control of their lives. My mother hasn't had a facial in weeks, and my father's been wearing the same Tom Ford suit two days in a row.

Mutt:Who told you that we were together?

Alexis:I did.

Alexis:Your hands are so soft! How is that possible when you do all this manual labor?

Mutt:I use a lot of moisturizer.

Roland:Oh no, what did you steal now?

Jocelyn:The Rose family has real dignity and class.

Roland:Have you seen Moira in those wigs?

Moira:Oh, he'll abandon me the moment he finds a cashmere sweater and a boy who knows how to make a cocktail.

Roland:You know, statistically speaking, most missing persons are found within the first 48 hours. After that, the odds drop significantly. So really, if we're being practical about it, we should probably call off the search.

Roland:I found the truck! And David's with it!

Johnny:That's wonderful!

Roland:Well, I found the truck.

Roland:Well, if David was dead, somebody would've called us by now. That's how it works.

Alexis:Oh my god, I actually know about this. So my friend Mutt—well, not my friend Mutt, just this guy Mutt—anyway, he went missing for like three days, and it turned out he was just at a cabin. But like, a really weird cabin. And the guy who owned it? Total psychopath. He had like, teeth everywhere. Human teeth. And he kept them in jars. And one time he tried to—actually, you know what, I'm not gonna finish that story because it gets really dark, but basically he's in jail now, which is probably for the best.

Ted:You haven't been eating? Alexis, you just finished a whole rotisserie chicken in my office.

Alexis:That was stress eating.

Ted:You stress ate an entire chicken?

Alexis:I stress eat.

Alexis:I picture you at the bottom of a lake.

David:Why would you picture me at the bottom of a lake?

Alexis:I don't know, it's just the first image that comes to mind.

Ted:Well, technically, it would be a quarry.

Alexis:I can't marry Ted because David left town, and if David can just leave whenever he wants, then what's stopping Ted from leaving me?

David:I didn't leave town.

Alexis:You literally just said you were moving to California.

David:That's not leaving town, that's moving away for a new life opportunity.

Alexis:Exactly. So Ted could do the same thing.

Moira:Darling, is this car a residence, or are you just transporting a residence?

Alexis:I would, but I'm getting a manicure and I already paid for it.

Alexis:I mean, I've been kidnapped by pirates before, and I didn't make this big of a fuss about it.

Moira:I was in the middle of my microdermabrasion. I couldn't possibly interrupt that. One doesn't just stop mid-dermis.

Alexis:So the thing with Mutt is getting kind of complicated.

David:What do you mean complicated?

Alexis:Well, we're kind of seeing each other.

David:You're seeing Mutt? Mutt Schitt?

Alexis:Yeah, but also kind of Ted.

David:You're seeing Ted and Mutt at the same time?

Alexis:Not at the same time, just... consecutively.

David:Alexis, that's not better. That's actually worse.

David:I don't really want to talk about this right now.

Alexis:Oh my God, is that a bug?!

David:What? No, that's—

Alexis:Get it off! Get it off me!

David:I had to wake up at 4 AM to milk cows. Do you know what I was doing at 4 AM before that? Sleeping. In a bed. A very nice bed. With Egyptian cotton sheets.

David:And then I had to shovel manure. Actual manure. While wearing a scratchy wool shirt that made me look like I was auditioning for a depression-era documentary.

David:The closest I'd come to manual labor before that was pointing at things I wanted in a catalog.

Amish man:Well, it's been very nice having you stay with us. You've been a wonderful guest.

Amish man:But I have to say, I am so relieved that someone finally came to pick you up.

David Rose:We learned humility, we learned to appreciate the simple things, and we learned that apparently Amish people can go to Costco.

David:I'm not ready to leave.

Amish man:Well, you have to. Your time is up.

Amish man:David, we will cherish the memory of you... and it will haunt us. Forever.

Johnny:I was hoping you might offer us some traditional Amish hospitality. Perhaps a meal?

Amish man:No.

David:Nobody even cared that Alexis was missing. I mean, shouldn't someone have noticed? Shouldn't someone have called the police?

Alexis:Actually, the FBI called me. Apparently I'm on some kind of federal watchlist.

David:What? Why would you be on a federal watchlist?

Alexis:I don't know, something about that time I accidentally brought a prohibited substance through customs? Or maybe it was the other time. Anyway, they check in on me regularly.

David:I took the bag because Moira said it was a limited edition Birkin from a personal friend in Paris, but it's clearly a knockoff from a street vendor in Chinatown.

Moira:It is NOT a knockoff. It's a homage.

David:It has a typo. It says 'Birkin' with two R's.

Alexis:You stole my makeup in high school.

David:I didn't steal it. I was experimenting.

Alexis:You were experimenting with my MAC lipstick?

David:It was a very good shade. I was exploring my identity.

Moira:I didn't lie about the bag. I simply didn't tell the truth. There's a difference.

Moira:And before you start with me about spreading celebrity gossip, that bag was a gift from a very famous person, and I would never betray their confidence by telling you who it was.

David:I orchestrated a dramatic exit, sweeping out of the room with purpose and intention, only to realize I'd left my phone, my wallet, and any semblance of dignity in the other room.

David:I had to sleep in a truck last night.

Alexis:Oh my God, really? Was it a nice truck?

David:Thank you for asking about me.

Stevie:I didn't ask about you. I was hoping you'd stay gone.

David:Well, I'm back. And I have to say, despite the rather pointed lack of enthusiasm in your greeting, it is genuinely nice to be somewhere that feels... relatively warm.

David:I've been thinking about what Stevie said, and I realize I'm not equipped to handle rejection. I don't have the social skills or the emotional maturity to process disappointment. I'm basically a man-child who's never had to face consequences, and now that I'm finally experiencing real life, I'm completely falling apart. It's pathetic, really.

David:I'm realizing that Stevie was my one friend. My only friend. Which is... a lot of pressure to put on a person.

David:And also explains why I'm so difficult.

Alexis:Oh my God, is this me? I look like I've been through a wind tunnel. My face is so swollen, I look like I got stung by a thousand bees. I don't even recognize myself. How is anyone supposed to find me if I don't even look like me anymore?

Moira:Well, David, your vanity is not a virtue. It's charmless, really. Like watching someone admire themselves in a mirror that's slightly too close to their face.

Roland:I'm not pressing charges.

Alexis:Oh my God, that's so nice of you! Did you hear that, David? He's not pressing charges!

David:Roland, I'm truly sorry for what I said. I hope you can forgive me.

Johnny:Did you mean that?

Moira:Now add the chili flakes.

Alexis:Mom, we already did that like twenty minutes ago.

Moira:Oh. Well, I have no idea where we are.

Johnny:Johnny: 'What you did was impulsive, capricious and melodramatic. But it was also wrong.'

Johnny:'Do you know how many times I've had to apologize to Roland? You can't just leave with other people's trucks, David!'

David · Alexis:David: 'Okay, nobody freaked out when Alexis went missing!' Alexis: 'I didn't go missing, David. The FBI knew where I was the entire time.'

David · Moira:What bag? / You stole my bag, David. / That bag? That bag looks like it hasn't been used in a hundred years, so I put my toiletries in it.

David · Moira:David: 'Did you come for me, or did you come for that bag?' — forcing the family to admit their mixed priorities

David:David: 'I hitchhiked, in the middle of the night, wearing all black! I was basically asking to get hit by a car!'

Moira:Moira: 'You told me that Diane Sawyer gave you that bag, and that it was fake. I didn't want you taking it.'

David:David: 'Okay, because I have told a lot of people that Diane Sawyer sells fake bags on the down-low.'

David · Alexis:Moira: 'I slept in the cab of a truck! Overnight!' Alexis: 'Oh my God, who hasn't, David!'

David · Stevie:How are-yeah. / What? / Um... I come bearing gifts.

Stevie:Stevie: 'I think your car might need a bit of a clean. Is that a dead squirrel on your hood?'

David · Stevie:David says people told him Stevie was calling around asking for him; Stevie says 'Oh, well, I didn't.' / 'They said that you were.' / 'Well, they were mistaken.' / 'In fact, I was hoping you wouldn't come back.'

David:David: 'Wow, believe it or not, that is one of the warmest welcomes I have received so far!'

David:David's explanation for not staying away: 'I was intending on staying away for much longer, but I ran out of money, and forgot my phone charger.'

David:David: 'I thought, well, there goes my one friend.' / 'Try saying that one out loud, it is very dark.'

Stevie:Stevie: 'Okay, well, let's start by you leaving my office, and we'll see where that takes us.' — as her version of 'let's work through this'

David:David tries to leave Stevie's office and keeps narrating it: 'I'm gonna leave your office. I'm gonna leave your — I'm gonna leave your office.'

David · Stevie:David's parting words: 'Best wishes to you.' / 'Warmest regards.'

Moira:Moira about the missing persons flyer: 'This was before my nose job, how was anyone supposed to recognize me?'

Johnny:Johnny: 'Oh David, it's a rare gift to strip vanity of its charm, yet here you are.'

Roland:Roland's entrance: 'David! I'm so glad to see you back home, all safe and sound.' — followed immediately by 'And I don't want you to worry, I'm not gonna press charges, okay?'

Alexis:Alexis's 'Ooh, burn, David!' after Roland says he won't press charges

David · Roland:David's extended, painful apology — 'Uh...!' of reluctance before every sentence, long pauses, and 'I feel really bad about it.' followed by Roland: 'But do you, David?'

David · Johnny:After the apology is accepted, David immediately takes Roland's juice: 'Okay, I'm taking your juice.' / 'David!'

Roland · Johnny:'Okay, now let's talk about gas. I'm thinking thirty cents on the mile.' / 'I think we're done here, Roland!'

Moira · Johnny:Final scene: Moira teaching Johnny her mother's recipe; he's lost in the steps. 'We've already done that.' / 'What number are we on?' / 'Oh my God!'