Town For Sale

Johnny:I've told this story forty-seven times.

David:Forty-eight.

Moira:Suitcatches.

David:You should take a coat. You look like you're about to commit a crime, and I'd prefer the police have as little to go on as possible.

Johnny:This coat is a Valentino. Do you know how exclusive this is? I outbid Elon Musk for this coat at auction.

David:Dad, you did not outbid Elon Musk for a coat.

Johnny:Well, he wasn't there. But I would have.

Moira:I'm giving my coat to Jocelyn. She needs it far more than I do.

David:That's very generous of you.

Moira:Well, the poor woman has been wearing the same three cardigans since we met her. I doubt she even owns a proper coat.

Alexis:David, those aren't your friends. Those are just people who knew you when you had money.

Alexis:David, these people aren't your friends. They abandoned you the moment things got difficult.

David:That's not fair. They didn't abandon me. They simply chose not to maintain contact during a transitional period in my life.

David:Which, when you think about it, is a very reasonable response to someone losing their entire fortune and moving to a small town.

Alexis:David, I'm not moving to Brooklyn to sit in a coffee shop and watch someone make a pour-over while I pretend to care about their sustainable sourcing practices.

Alexis:I just think it's time for me to get my own place, you know? I need my independence.

David:Alexis, you can barely take care of yourself. You're like a circus freak.

Alexis:Oh my god, David, that is so mean.

Moira:This is a vintage Halston. I wore it to a benefit in the '80s.

Jocelyn:It's beautiful. What is it?

Moira:It's a coat, Jocelyn.

Jocelyn:No, I mean... what animal is it?

Moira:Ostrich.

Jocelyn:Oh! Because I was going to say it looked like someone plucked a very large, very angry bird.

Moira:You were absolutely green with envy over this coat.

Jocelyn:I have no memory of that.

Moira:Jocelyn, darling, this gift is a token of the profound bond we've shared. Our friendship has been... *pauses dramatically* ...transformative. You've been like a sister to me. A sister I barely tolerated, but a sister nonetheless.

Ted:You should really consider an all-inclusive vacation. You know, where everything is included?

Alexis:I'm sorry, what do you mean 'everything'? Like, the flights?

Ted:Yes, the flights, the hotel, the meals, the drinks, all the activities...

Alexis:Oh my God, that sounds exhausting. Why would I want everything included? I like choosing things.

Ted:Alexis, will you marry me?

Alexis:Oh my God, yes! I mean... if you were someone else, then yes.

David:Just do what Carrie Bradshaw would do.

David:I actually need an office. I have a very demanding job that requires a separate workspace.

Johnny:Thank you so much for the excellent service, Twyla. You've been wonderful.

Twyla:Well, thank you, Mr. Rose. Though I have to say, your tip is about as generous as your compliments are frequent.

Roland:Yeah, look, I gotta tell you something, and I'm not gonna sugarcoat it. It's like when you got a dead cat in your pool — you can't just leave it there hoping it'll float away. Eventually somebody's gotta jump in and fish it out.

Roland:The speakerphone during sex is worse than the sex call itself

Roland:That's inappropriate behavior. It's like when Johnny does that thing where he just stands there looking all confused and useless.

Johnny:I'm right here, Roland.

Roland:Exactly my point.

Buyer:Yeah, I'm looking for a douchebag named Johnny Rose.

Johnny:Well, you've found him.

Mutt:I'm going back to my natural habitat.

Alexis:Oh my God, are you like, a penguin or something?

Alexis:You know, it's actually really attractive how you can just... let me go like that. Most guys would at least pretend to care.

Mutt:I do care.

Alexis:Well, you have a really weird way of showing it.

Johnny:Well, it sounds like you two really didn't see eye to eye.

Johnny:I suppose the deal fell through because he was looking for something a bit more... beneath you?

Johnny:Or perhaps he simply didn't measure up to your expectations.

Twyla:This is a real designer coat? Jocelyn gave me this? There's no way this is real.

Jocelyn:It is real, Twyla.

Twyla:No, it can't be. You don't have that kind of money.

Twyla:I'm so excited to wear this coat in winter. It's so glamorous.

Twyla:It reminds me of the coats the women wear at the bingo hall.

Twyla:I feel so glamorous in this coat. I feel like Patty LaBelle.

Ray:Well, Mutt's been doing exemplary work. Really top-notch performance.

Alexis:That's great!

Ray:Yes, well, I think it has more to do with the fact that you've been working here.

Mutt:I just... I like being around you.

Alexis:Oh my God.

Stevie:I'm not going to New York because I don't want to watch you fall in love with someone else.

David:Stevie's been a great friend.

David:My only friend, really.

David:I mean, not my only friend. I have other friends. Plenty of them. All over the place.

Stevie:You have lots of friends who'd want to live with you?

David:Well, I have you. And I consider you a friend. So that's one. And then there's my mother, who I'm forced to see regularly. So that's two people who have to tolerate me because of legal or emotional obligation. And then there's Patrick, but he works for me, so I'm not sure that counts. So really, I have no friends.

Stevie:Oh wow, 'survivable.' That's so romantic. I'm going to have that embroidered on a pillow.

Roland:It's like sex in a pan.

Andy:Well, I'm not sure I'd know what that tastes like.

Moira:Did you ever wear that coat I gave you?

Jocelyn:Oh, well, I gave it to my sister right away.

Moira:You re-gifted my coat?

Jocelyn:It wasn't really my style.

Moira:One simply does not wear white after Labor Day, one does not return a gift, and one does not use the word 'moist' in polite company. It's just not done.

Moira:And frankly, neither is microwaving fish in a shared office space, or asking someone how much they paid for their home, or wearing Crocs to the theatre.

Moira:Absolutely forbidden. Simply barbaric.

Alexis:So why are you really staying in Schitt's Creek?

Mutt:I just want to stay active.

Alexis:You literally sit in a barn all day.

Alexis:Mutt, you need to explain to me right now why you have extra community service.

Mutt:Alexis, I... it's complicated.

Alexis:Complicated? We're supposed to be together and you can't even talk to me about this?

Mutt:I know, and I'm sorry. I just... I don't know how to say this.

Alexis:Well, you're going to have to figure it out because I deserve an explanation.

Mutt:You're right. You do. I just... I can't seem to find the words.

David:Dad, I need to talk to you about the money from the town sale.

Johnny:David, not now. I'm trying to figure out if this fanny pack is coming back in style.

Andy:I was just thinking, you know, with the right attitude and a little bit of flexibility, we could really make this thing work between us.

Jocelyn:Okay, so I have the contract ready for you to sign. Now, the numbers look really good. We've got some beautiful female numbers here, and then some strong, masculine numbers over here.

Jocelyn:But honestly, I'm more of a numbers person than a sales person, so I'm just going to let the numbers do the talking.

Andy:Well, the buyer just collapsed. I think he's having a heart attack.

Johnny:Is he okay? Should we call an ambulance?

Roland:Ambulance? Are you crazy? We're in the middle of closing a deal here. Andy, buddy, just sign right here. Your hand can do it. Come on.

Johnny:Roland, the man is unconscious.

Roland:An unconscious signature is still a signature, John. It's legally binding. I looked it up.

Johnny:Well, the buyer seemed very interested. I think this could actually work out.

Moira:Yes, well, I'm going to go home, take some pills, and hope I slip into a coma.

Alexis:I mean, I'm not sure what my relationship status is at this point. Like, am I dating him? Are we just... existing in the same space? I honestly don't know.