The Cones Of Dunshire

Leslie:So what are you working on during your week off?

Ben:I'm thinking about starting a consulting firm. Help small businesses with their finances and operations.

Leslie:That's great. Last time you had a week off, you made that claymation movie about a snail.

Ben:That was a really good snail, Leslie.

Leslie:It was. But I'm hoping this is different.

Ben:Okay, I've been working on something during my unemployment. It's a board game.

Ben:It's called 'Cones of Dunshire.'

Ben:It has a variable player count of two to four players, but theoretically up to six with the expansion pack I'm working on.

Ben:The ledgerman has a special hat just for keeping score.

Ben:The ledgerman's hat is actually a crucial part of the ensemble. You see, the brim helps shield the eyes from the sun while you're reviewing the ledger, and the crown provides optimal ventilation for extended periods of accounting work.

Leslie:Ben, there is no ledgerman's hat.

Ben:Okay, so the way the game works is you roll the dice to determine what you do, and then you roll other dice to determine the outcome of that action.

Ben:But then you need to roll dice to determine which dice you actually rolled, so you roll a die to see what the first die was supposed to be.

Ben:And if that die contradicts the other die, you roll another die to determine which die is correct.

Ben:So basically you're just rolling dice to figure out what dice you rolled. It's elegant, really.

Ben:They're traffic cones.

Ben:What do you think they represent?

Ben:So you roll the dice, move your piece around the board, collect resource cards based on where you land, then you trade those cards with other players to build structures, but only if you have the required combination and you're on a designated trading post, which rotates every three turns...

Ben:Wait, wait. This needs something. It's not complicated enough.

Ben:Okay, now every resource card has a secondary action value on the back, so when you're NOT using it for trading, you can flip it over and use it as a modifier for your movement roll, but only on even-numbered turns, and only if you're wearing the ceremonial sash I'm going to add.

Ben:Perfect. That's perfect.

Ben:I spent a week on this game and I'm ready to throw it in the trash the second we have to go back to work.

Jeremy Jamm:Leslie can't make decisions anymore because she has what we in politics call 'Stanky boot.'

Leslie Knope:That's not a real thing.

Jeremy Jamm:It's a very real condition. Look it up.

Jamm:You think I'd misuse funds?

Leslie:No, not at all.

Jamm:Thank you.

Leslie:But now that you mention it... yes. Yes, I do.

Ron:Three-bedroom house. Plenty of land. Wood inside.

Tom:Ron, I think your listing might be a little too detailed. Maybe try shortening it?

Ron:House.

Tom:There we go. That's perfect.

Ron:I've listed my house for sale. Here are some of the listing details I've included.

Ron:Large lot. Room for a man to work. Dead animals for practical purposes.

Ron:Some might say the dead animals are a drawback. I disagree.

Ron:As a compromise, I've agreed to have the shells cleaned. But the animals stay.

Ron:I've removed the bodies from the property, as requested. They're in a storage unit now.

Tom:Ron, what? No! You can't just move them!

Ron:I'm willing to compromise. I'll keep the skeletons for composting purposes. Excellent for the garden.

Donna:I've started my own real estate business. It's called Donna Meagle's Marvelous Meagle Mansions.

Donna:My slogan is: 'Donna Meagle's Marvelous Meagle Mansions: Making Magical Memories in Meagle Manner.'

Tom:I want to be a business mogul. You know, like a skiing mogul, except with business.

Frank:I've heard great things about you, Ben. People say you're smart, you're dedicated, you're a hard worker. So I'm going to put a lot of pressure on you, and I hope you can handle it.

Ben:Thanks, I appreciate that.

Frank:I'm serious. A lot of pressure.

Leslie:Okay, Ann, I'm so excited for you. I'll call you tomorrow. Bye!

Chris:Leslie, is Ann okay? I heard she was pregnant.

Leslie:She's fine, Chris. She's really happy about it.

Chris:Oh, that's great. I was worried she might be in some kind of distress.

Leslie:No, no, everything's perfect. She's going to be a great mom.

Chris:Well, if there's anything I can do to help, just let me know.

Leslie:Actually, that's really sweet of you, Chris. I'll definitely—

Leslie:Ann, did you hear that? Chris said he'd help! Ann? Hello?

Leslie:Jeremy Jamm has blocked 47 of my initiatives. I've blocked 3 of his. But here's the thing - two of those were just to block him, and one was actually a good initiative that I would've supported if he hadn't supported it first. So really, I've blocked 2 of his initiatives. But I'm still winning because I blocked them more recently, which means I have momentum.

Chris:I have a master's degree in public policy from Georgetown. Dr. Phil got his Ph.D. in clinical psychology from a diploma mill in Oklahoma. So I'm basically more qualified than him.

Ron:I'm selling my cabin.

Ron:Well, one of my cabins.

Ron:I have several.

Ron:My new cabin has several advantages over my current one. Better insulation, more efficient wood stove, and I won't have to replace the bear traps every season.

Tom:So you want to skip the staging process?

Ron:I don't want to skip anything. I want to stand very still and watch the shadows move across the walls.

Ben:Why is everyone being so nice to me? Why are they so interested in my cases? Are they... are they going to kill me?

Ben:I'm too good at this. I solve cases too efficiently. They see me as a threat.

Ben:I need to start making mistakes. Intentional mistakes. Or I'm a dead man.

Jamm:No shoes in the house. That's the rule.

Leslie:But you're wearing shoes right now.

Jamm:Yeah, but I live here.

Leslie:So the rule is... no shoes in the house, except for you, who live here?

Jamm:Exactly.

Leslie:That's not a rule. That's just you describing what you're doing right now.

Jamm:This is not sexual. I'm just a fan of golf.

Leslie:Then why is she in a bikini?

Jamm:I photoshopped that.

Leslie:Okay, we have sleeping bags, we have snacks, we have a first aid kit, we have a discounted designer skirt with a small stain on the hem and a broken zipper.

Jeremy Jamm:Look at this table I got! Cost me eight thousand dollars!

Jeremy Jamm:It's from this exclusive Japanese designer. Hideous, right?

Jeremy Jamm:But that's what makes it perfect. BANZAI!

Jeremy Jamm:Welcome to my home! I've prepared an authentic Japanese breakfast experience for you.

Jeremy Jamm:I present to you... *attempts exaggerated accent* ...the traditional Japanese morning feast of eggs, bacon, and toast!

Hipster Buyer 1:Oh wow, no electricity? That's so... authentic.

Hipster Buyer 2:And the outhouse is literally fifty yards away? That's peak meta-cabin.

Hipster Buyer 1:The inconvenience is actually the whole aesthetic. It's ironic, you know?

Hipster Buyer 2:Exactly. We'll take it. This is the most meta-cabin ever.

Tom:This cabin? Totally owned by an obscure folk musician in the '70s. Very indie. Very underground.

Tom:The previous owner? He inspired Bon Iver. Well, not directly inspired, but they definitely shared a similar energy.

Tom:And see this water stain? That's where he spilled artisanal kombucha. Vintage kombucha. Before it was cool.

Potential buyers:Really?

Tom:Absolutely. You basically can't get more authentic than this place.

Ben:Okay, so I've reviewed the contract terms, and the solution is actually straightforward. We just need to add a severability clause.

Coworker 1:Wait, what? You solved it?

Coworker 2:BEN SOLVED IT! BEN SOLVED IT!

Coworker 1:This is the greatest day of my life!

Coworker 3:I'm calling my mother! Ben from Parks solved our legal issue!

Ben:It's really not that—

Coworker 2:SEVERABILITY CLAUSE! SEVERABILITY CLAUSE!

Jamm:You take the pod, you crack it open with your teeth, and then you swallow the whole thing. Pod and all. That's how they do it in Japan.

Chris:Actually, I'm pretty sure you're supposed to squeeze the bean out with your teeth and just eat the bean.

Jamm:No, no, no. The pod is the best part. It's got all the fiber.

Chris:Right, but it's not edible. The pod is not meant to be eaten.

Jeremy Jamm:You know what? Let's call Leslie 'Les-lie... the Lesion.' Get it? Because she's like an infection on this town council.

Leslie Knope:We could do a Grease duet! You could be Danny Zuko.

Jeremy Jamm:Actually, I'm going to play Sandy. My vocal range is much better suited for the female part.

Ron:I would pay $200 for this to never happen again.

Ron:Actually, I would pay $500.

Ron:No wait, $1,000. I would pay $1,000 to make this stop.

Ron:Scratch that. I would pay any amount of money. Name it. I will write you a check right now.

Tom:Glamping is like camping, but with luxury amenities. You know, comfortable beds, heated tents, gourmet meals...

Ron:So it's a hotel.

Tom:No, no, it's different. You're still outside in nature.

Ron:It's a hotel with extra steps.

Tom:Ladies and gentlemen, what you just witnessed is authentic Ron Swanson. He doesn't do small talk, he doesn't do pleasantries, and he certainly doesn't do open houses. But that's what makes this property special. This is a man's home. A real man's home. Built on a foundation of solitude, self-reliance, and a complete disregard for your feelings.

Jamm:You know what? I've decided. In our little superhero dynamic, you're the hero and I'm the villain.

Leslie:Really? Why would you choose to be the villain?

Jamm:Because villains are rich. Heroes are always broke, living in studios, driving used cars. Villains have lairs, henchmen, offshore accounts. It's the smart choice.

Leslie:This isn't even real Japanese food, Jeremy. It's just regular American food with soy sauce dumped all over it.

Jamm:Well maybe if you had any culinary creativity, you'd appreciate what I'm trying to do here.

Leslie:Culinary creativity? You put sriracha on a hot dog and called it 'Asian fusion.'

Leslie:Ann Arbor? Really? That's just Ann's name twice. It's like if I moved to a city called Leslie Leslie. Which, okay, would be amazing, but that's not the point. Ann Arbor is basically admitting they have no imagination. They saw Ann and thought, 'You know what this needs? More Ann.'

Leslie:Michigan? Really? What kind of state looks like a mitten? That's not a state, that's a craft project gone wrong. And don't even get me started on the Upper Peninsula — it's like Michigan couldn't commit to being one thing, so it just split itself in half like some kind of geographical commitment-phobe. It's the only state that requires a map just to understand its own borders!

Leslie:You're like someone who sides with Voldemort, or Thanos, or the Empire in Star Wars.

Jamm:Well, those are all fictional villains. I'm a real person making real choices.

Leslie:Exactly! You're choosing to be evil!

Jamm:I'm not evil. And also, Morgan Freeman's voice is overrated.

Jamm:Look, I'm not saying Morgan Freeman doesn't have a nice voice, but let's be honest – it's overrated. Everyone acts like he's God just because he narrates everything. The guy's been in what, a thousand movies? You can't tell me they're all good.

Leslie:Jeremy, Morgan Freeman's voice is literally one of the most beloved things in entertainment.

Jamm:Exactly. Universally beloved. Which means contrarian me has to hate it.

Ben:Is that... are those calzones? Oh my God, this is the best day of my life. You guys know me so well. Calzones are literally perfect. They're like pizza, but they're also a sandwich. It's the best of both worlds.

Ben:I could eat calzones every single day for the rest of my life and die a happy man.

Tom:Surprise! We threw you a party!

Jerry:And we got you a cake!

Ben:Oh wow, thank you guys so much!

April:Actually, that's not a cake.

Ben:What do you mean?

Tom:It's twelve calzones stacked on top of each other.

Ben:This is the best day of my life.

Ron:I bought this cabin in 1974 for $400.

Leslie:Wow, that's incredible.

Ron:It was a different time. You could get a fully functional cabin, complete with septic system and well water, for the price of a used snowmobile.

Leslie:Well now developers are offering you $3.8 million.

Ron:I know. It's outrageous. This cabin is worth exactly what I paid for it: $400. Everything else is just noise.

April:I would use it to isolate and observe spiders in their natural habitat, and document their mating patterns while slowly losing my grip on reality.

April:I'd use the cabin for baking cookies, reading books by the fireplace, taking long walks through nature, and burying bodies where no one would ever find them.

April:The cabin will be perfect for weekends, hosting friends, and you know, disposing of bodies if needed. I've already scouted good locations in the woods.

April:I'm offering $8,000 and this blood pressure cuff I stole from the hospital.

Larry:That's my inhaler!

April:Actually, it's not. You left it in the conference room, which is city property. Anything left on city property for more than 24 hours becomes city property. Therefore, it's my inhaler now.

Ben:Wait, you made a deal trading future favors for the lockbox? Chris, you're leaving town in like a week.

Chris:I know, but I got the lockbox.

Ben:Those favors are worthless now.

Chris:Look, I know it wasn't the most ethical thing to do, but I was desperate. Besides, technically, I didn't lie — I just withheld information.

Chris:And in my defense, everyone does this. It's not like I'm the only one who's ever bent the rules a little bit.

Ben:Wait, you're offering me the city manager job?

Chris:Yes! You're gonna knock it out of the park, Ben. You're gonna be so good at this. It's gonna be epic and legendary and... flippity-floppity-floop!

Ben:Even my farewell note includes detailed game instructions. 'Step 1: Remove all pieces from the box. Step 2: Organize by color. Step 3: Read the 47-page rulebook. Step 4: Realize you've made a terrible mistake.'

Ben:Okay, everyone, let's play a game. Who wants to keep score?

Jerry:I'll do it!

Donna:Actually, I think I should keep score.

April:No way, give it to me.

Ron:I'm keeping the score.

Leslie:Guys, guys, I clearly have the best handwriting. I should keep score.

Tom:Hold on, I'm very organized. This is my thing.

Ben:Okay, maybe we should just... not play this game.

Ben Wyatt · accounting firm colleagues:Great idea... that we had a month ago. / The problem is, the trust still has claim to the property. / Then we dissolve the trust. / ...We never thought of that.

Chris Traeger · Councilman Jamm:Maybe we name part of the park the 'Jamm Zone'? How about if in the Jamm zone, there's no married chicks allowed? Caution, Jeremy.

Councilman Jamm:Now I want you to be very careful about eating these. You eat the shells, and you throw the seeds out.

Chris Traeger:Wow. You have really immersed yourself in Asian culture.

Councilman Jamm:Ugh, Lezzie. Come on, I'm getting bored.

Councilman Jamm:I did. And kudos on that pronunciation.

Leslie Knope · Councilman Jamm:I remembered your favorite duet. Maybe it's time to take this party to Rydell High. Whoa! I cannot wait to hear your Travolta. Oh, no, no, no. I'm Sandra Dee. That's more of my register. You're Zuko.

Jamm · Leslie Knope:No, no, no. I'm Sandra Dee. That's more of my register. / You're Zuko.

Chris Traeger:I would like to buy five DVDs of this. No, 20. No, 60! No, that's insane. 20.

Tom Haverford · Ron Swanson:Glamping is 'glamour camping.' Heated tents, catered meals, wi-fi-- / You're describing a hotel.

Ron Swanson:The open house is now closed. We are not accepting bids at this time. The sun sets in 95 minutes. Good day.

Hipster Buyer · Ron Swanson:Oh, hey, man. I love the mustache. So funny. You ever think about twisting it up at the ends, huh? Use a little beeswax? The open house is now closed. We are not accepting bids at this time. The sun sets in 95 minutes. Good day.

Hipster Buyer:That's part of the charm of this whole place — the cantankerous old coot who owns it. It's authentic!

Councilman Jamm:I gotta say, that was pretty fun up there. We have fun when we collaborate, right? Working together? Lockbox, right?

Councilman Jamm:You know, in some weird, perverted, sexual way, I'm gonna miss you when you're gone. Oh. You are my Nemesis.

Councilman Jamm · Leslie Knope:You're the Superman to my Lex Luthor. You want to be Lex Luthor? Uh, yeah. Lex Luthor is rich.

Leslie Knope:And who sides with Lex Luthor, by the way? You probably watch Million Dollar Baby and root for the stool.

Councilman Jamm:I haven't seen it. Not a big Morgan Freeman guy. I find his voice very grating.

Leslie Knope:I am leaving now. I am not moving. I'm just going home.

Councilman Jamm:Are you guys coming back to my place? What's-- what's-- or are you guys going back to-- we wrapping up the weekend?

Leslie Knope · Chris Traeger:Ann arbor sounds disgusting. / She already has family there.

Ben Wyatt · Coworkers:Surprise pizza party! Wait a second. That's not pizza. Those are calzones! I love calzones! We know!

Ben Wyatt:I think it's safe to say I made the right choice.

Tom Haverford · Ron Swanson:That was that couple you liked at the open house. I despised them. Well, they just came back with a new offer and jacked that shizz up. Way over asking price.

Tom Haverford · Ron Swanson:I can't even understand what you're saying right now. That cabin served an important purpose for me, as a quiet refuge from the nonsense of modern life. I'd like the next owners to understand and share that purpose.

Donna Meagle · Ron Swanson:Ron, who cares who they are? That's a massive bid. / I bought that cabin 18 years ago for $2,200.

April Ludgate · Tom Haverford · Donna Meagle:I'll buy it. You can't afford that house. Can you afford that house?

April Ludgate:I'd go up there and take Andy and Champion and just get away from everyone else and look at spiders. And it's where I'd bury the bodies of that annoying couple after I murder them.

April Ludgate:Here's my offer. I will give you everything in my purse. $8, a bunch of loose cough drops, and Larry's asthma inhaler.

Larry Gergich · April Ludgate · Donna Meagle:Thank God. I've been looking for that. Larry, this is part of a real estate transaction now. You have no legal claim to it. Sorry, I had no idea.

Ron Swanson · Tom Haverford · Donna Meagle:This is the best offer I've heard yet. Uh, you tripping right now. Sold. Don't even trip.

Donna Meagle · Tom Haverford:Your commission. Your share, mogul.

Councilman Jamm:I'm about to play golf with a guy who was almost on The Apprentice, so this better be good.

City Council Member:Well, vote passed. 3-2.

Chris Traeger:Jamm is gonna be so pissed when he finds out that you're leaving and your I.O.U.s are worthless.

Chris Traeger:Well, it's not the most ethical thing that I've ever done, but on the flip side, Jamm is a big, mean dope.

Chris Traeger · Ben Wyatt:Speaking of which, how's the new gig coming? Well, I got a raise, and my fridge is full of calzones, so not complaining.

Ben Wyatt · Chris Traeger:And I've talked to some people, and you have the votes if you want the job. Wh-- Seriously? Is this for realskis? This is 100% certified for realskis.

Barney:Wyatt, you're late. I'm just kidding, you can do whatever you want.

Ben Wyatt · Barney:Actually, Barney, I'm afraid I have some bad news. Today's my last day. I got an opportunity I couldn't say no to, and I have to quit. Again. No need to explain. I knew it was too good to be true.

Ben Wyatt · Accounting Coworkers:'You can play with one warrior, but it's just not nearly as good. Enjoy. Ben Wyatt.' Let's play. I call ledgerman! No.