Fluoride

April:Hi, I'm April. I steal things.

April:Did he just call us weird?

Ben:Yeah, he did.

April:That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.

NFL Linebacker:Hey Donna, can I get your number?

Donna:A linebacker? No thank you. I only date skill position players.

Tom:Wait, you're running in the actual game? Like, you're gonna be on the field during the NFL game?

Tom:Oh man, that's amazing. You're gonna be so good at football throw.

Leslie:This reservoir is absolutely stunning.

Tom:Stunning? That's what I call it when a cat rides a roomba while eating spaghetti.

Tom:You know what? Forget the puppy. I'm getting a pig. A tiny pig in a little sidecar on a motorcycle.

Leslie:Tom, that's not safe.

Tom:The pig'll be wearing a helmet. A tiny helmet with a little visor.

Leslie:I'm very excited about the fluoride initiative. It's going to improve the dental health of every resident in Pawnee. And that's the tooth!

Leslie:Yes, I'm a lame duck, but you know what? A lame duck can still fly into a fire and burn down the whole place.

Tom:Look at that guy. He's so happy doing his job.

Leslie:That's great! A positive attitude is—wait, is he wearing pants?

Tom:Nope.

Ron:I built this crib myself from trees I cut down with my bare hands. Some say it's murder, but I say it's harvesting.

Chris:I've been reading a lot of parenting books lately. You know, 'The Happiest Baby on the Block,' 'What to Expect When You're Expecting'... I even thought 'Are You Gonna Go My Way' was a parenting book.

Chris:I didn't buy this crib. I built it myself. I explored every universe of crib design, studied the greatest crib architects, and synthesized their knowledge into this one perfect crib.

Chris:We should go to the crib store and look at cribs.

Ron:I don't go to stores. Stores are where I'm forced to interact with people. I have a strict non-fraternization policy with the general public.

Chris:It's just a store.

Ron:Exactly. A store is a business transaction. And I don't negotiate with people. I tell them what I want, they give it to me, and I leave. No small talk, no eye contact, no human connection of any kind.

Chris:Ron, if you don't come to this meeting, I'm going to make you sit through a comprehensive presentation on municipal code compliance and parking permit regulations.

Ron:You son of a bitch.

Jeremy:Wait, so you're telling me the government is putting mind control stuff in the water? That's... actually genius. I could use that on women.

Jeremy:What if we put something in the fluoride to make women more obedient?

Leslie:What? No! That's insane and also illegal.

Jeremy:I'm just saying, it would make things easier.

Leslie:You know what? I'm being recalled, and you're still here. How is that fair?

Jeremy Jamm:Look, I'm not saying fluoride is bad. I'm just saying that the toothpaste industry doesn't want you to know about it.

Jeremy Jamm:And coincidentally, my brother-in-law just bought a fluoride-free toothpaste company, so... we should probably ban it.

Ben:Ben: 'Remember last year when no one would get flu shots 'cause there was a rumor they turned you European?'

Ann:I have this weird fear that if I get any kind of medical procedure done, I'll wake up and I'll be European.

Leslie:What?

Ann:Like, I'll have a French accent, and I'll only want to eat cheese, and I'll be mean to Americans.

April:April about the dogs: 'I want to throw up and kill myself.'

April:Don't you dare call them cute. These are serious working dogs, not some adorable little puppies with their floppy ears and their tiny pink noses and their little paws. Gross.

Ben:I don't want a dog.

Leslie:What? Why not?

Ben:I just don't. It's like asking why I don't want to commit war crimes.

Leslie:Those are not the same thing!

Ben:To me they are. Both things I'm just not interested in.

April:If you leave for the airport, I will find you. I will hunt you down. I will make your life a living hell.

Larry:Why would a miniature schnauzer be bad?

Ron:So you bought a machine that plays the sounds of nature so you can listen to the sounds of nature while you're inside, away from nature.

Chris:I'm looking for the Vanna White book on child care.

Librarian:We don't have a Vanna White parenting book.

Chris:Well, she's so good at revealing letters. I figured she'd be good at revealing parenting secrets.

Chris Traeger:I want to show you guys my amazing crib.

Store Employee:That's a deathtrap.

Salesperson:This crib is made with several chemicals that have been known to cause respiratory problems, skin irritation, and in some cases, spontaneous combustion.

Salesperson:But don't worry, I've been using one for three years and I've only lost partial feeling in my left arm.

Jamm:You know what, Perd? You're a real credit to the journalism community.

Perd:Thank you!

Jamm:I mean that sincerely. A real credit.

Leslie:Wait a minute... I'm a lame duck! Which means I have no consequences for my actions!

Leslie:I'm basically the President.

Leslie:I'm going to fight Jamm using his own tactics against him. My idea of extreme rebellion is yellow binders.

Tom:Snoop Dogg changed his name to Snoop Lion, then back to Snoop Dogg. That's personal rebranding. Next year he'll probably be Snoop Apartment Building.

Craig:A spirit dog? I'm not a dog. Dogs are loyal, obedient, and they listen to commands. I do none of those things. I'm more of a spirit... wolverine. Or a spirit bear. Something that would attack you if you got too close.

April:I picked this dog for you because it's black, expensive, and has no emotional range whatsoever.

Donna:I love her.

Ron:I have a rule: I never have a conversation longer than 100 words. That way I avoid saying anything stupid.

Leslie:That's not a real rule.

Ron:It is. And I'm very strict about it. I count every word.

Leslie:You count? While you're talking?

Ron:Of course. One, two, three... One, two, three... And when I hit 97, I know I have three words left, so I wrap it up. It's like Jeopardy!, but for conversation.

Chris:And another thing, I really think that if we just focus on the core metrics and synergize our departmental objectives, we can really move the needle on our community engagement initiatives, and I've been thinking about this for quite some time now, and I really believe that we need to take a more holistic approach to problem-solving, and if we just put our heads together and really think outside the box, I know we can come up with some truly innovative solutions that will benefit everyone involved, and I'm really excited about the possibilities here.

Ron:No.

Jeremy Jamm:Fluoride is a toxic chemical used in rat poison, industrial waste, and Jenny McCarthy.

Tom:Water is the most important thing in the world. Without it, we die. With it, we thrive. Observe.

Tom:[dramatically pours water]

Audience member:...What was that supposed to show us?

Tom:The power of hydration, clearly.

Tom:Fluoride? That's not gonna sell. We need to rebrand it. How about... Aqua Vitae Plus?

Tom:No wait, I got it. H2-Awesome. Water, but make it luxury.

Tom:Actually, here's the real winner: Tooth Nectar Supreme—infused with nature's cavity-fighting essence.

Chris:I've learned so much from Ron. He's taught me that sleep is overrated, that you should always be working, that your body is just a machine.

Chris:I haven't slept in 36 hours. I feel great. I'm not tired at all.

Chris:Why does everything look like mashed potatoes right now?

Jessica:I propose that Sweetums takes over the water supply for Pawnee.

Ben:Jessica, that's insane.

Jessica:Why? Sweetums has a proven track record. We could rebrand it as Sweetums Water.

April:So every time someone drinks water, they're drinking Sweetums?

Jessica:Exactly. And we'll have a celebration. A big party with balloons and confetti!

Leslie:Jessica, you realize you're describing poisoning an entire town's water supply as a branding opportunity?

Jamm:I'm going to flip this board and all the pieces are going to go flying everywhere.

Tom:That's... actually pretty dramatic.

Tom:Okay, okay. Let me try this again. Donna is like a German Shepherd. Loyal, strong, doesn't take crap from anybody, and if you try to pet her without permission, she will bite your hand clean off.

Tom:Donna, you're like a high-functioning robot programmed to be efficient and terrifying.

Donna:I need to go lie down.

Donna:Actually, I need a week.

Donna:Make it two weeks.

Leslie:Sweetums is ruining the health of this entire town with their terrible, irresponsible products.

Leslie:They make high-fructose corn syrup soda, deep-fried bacon, and chocolate-covered bacon.

Leslie:Although, chocolate-covered bacon does sound... I mean, that sounds terrible. Awful.

Leslie:Wait, why are you getting fired?

Ben:It's a long story.

Leslie:Oh my God, I hope it was for something actually bad and not because of me.

Leslie:I'll do anything to help you, Ben. Anything at all.

Jessica:Great. I need $10,000.

Jessica:Lime-green will make you look like a highlighter that got hit by a car.

Leslie:That's oddly specific.

Jessica:I've thought about it.

Tom:So what kind of music do you like, April?

April:I only listen to music that was recorded between 1987 and 1989, but not by any band that achieved mainstream success. It has to be in a minor key, but also somehow uplifting. And it can't have drums.

Tom:That's... very specific.

April:I know. It's exhausting.

Tom:What's your favorite book?

April:Game of Thrones.

Tom:That's a TV show.

April:It's a book. It's a book. It's a book. It's a book.

April:My favorite movies? Okay. Requiem for a Dream, Synecdoche New York, and Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure.

April:Be excellent to each other.

Chris:I've been reading this parenting book, and it's really changed my perspective on how to raise Millicent.

Ben:That's great, Chris. What book?

Chris:'Parenting with Rage: A Guide by Mike Tyson and Mel Gibson.'

Chris:So Ron, parenting must be like woodworking, right? You have to sand down the rough edges, apply a nice finish...

Ron:That's... not really how I think about it.

Chris:No, no, I'm getting somewhere. You start with raw material, you shape it, you treat it with oils and stains until it becomes something beautiful and useful.

Ron:Chris, children are not wood.

Chris:Not with that attitude. But seriously, you're basically taking something rough and unfinished and—

Ron:Stop. I need you to stop talking.

Leslie · Councilman Jamm:Leslie asks Jamm: 'Did you bring those [chess pieces] with you just to do that?' Jamm: 'Maybe.'

Tom:April, I've been searching everywhere for your spirit dog. I've checked the park, the woods, even that weird spiritual place Jerry told me about.

April:Tom, I don't have a spirit dog.

Tom:What? But you said... wait, what do you mean you don't have a spirit dog?

April:My spirit animal isn't a dog. It's a wolf.

Tom:A wolf? April, that's basically the same thing!

April:No, it's not. A wolf is a majestic predator. A dog is just... a dog.

Leslie:We can't both be unemployed.

Ben:Why not?

Leslie:Because then we'd just be at home together all day, every day, with no escape, no structure, no reason to shower. We'd slowly lose our minds, stop speaking to each other, and eventually resort to communicating only through interpretive dance and angry stares.

Ben:So... paradise?

Leslie Knope:I want to apologize for my recent behavior. I've been working with a team of engineers to develop a new paradigm for civic engagement using blockchain-integrated synergy modules and AI-optimized stakeholder concatenation protocols.

Leslie Knope:We're talking about quantum-level municipal infrastructure with machine-learning algorithms that leverage big data analytics to create a seamless omnichannel government experience.

Leslie Knope:I really think this will revolutionize the citizen-facing touchpoints and our engagement metrics going forward.

Leslie:And that's why the zoning code subsection 4.3.2 is crucial to our municipal infrastructure planning...

Tom:Leslie, I'm gonna stop you right there. What you're doing right now? It's like you're trying to get me to enjoy unsweetened iced tea. I appreciate the effort, but it's never gonna happen.

Tom:I'm like the Michael Jordan of business, the Michael Jordan of fashion, the Michael Jordan of—

Someone:You mean the guy from Money Ball?

Tom:No, the basketball player.

Someone:Right, Money Ball.

Tom:I'm not just a businessman. I'm a renaissance man. I can talk sports, I know all about Michael Jordan.

Tom:Great basketball player. Terrible gambler. Lost everything at the casinos.

Ron:I'm giving away the crib I made because I'm moving on to other projects.

Chris:That's beautiful, Ron. A metaphor for letting go and embracing change.

Ron:No. It's an actual crib. A wooden crib. For babies.

Chris:Ron, what do you think Moby Dick is really about? The symbolism?

Ron:It's about a man who won't let go of a grudge against a whale. It's called being a bad person. He should've just accepted the loss and moved on with his life.

Chris:But don't you think the whale represents something larger? Like man's struggle against nature?

Ron:No. It's a whale. A big one. The man lost the fight. That's the end of the story.

Ben:Wait, is H-2-Flow actually just fluoride?

Leslie:I... I think so? Maybe? Look, we needed to rebrand the water system and H-2-Flow tested really well with focus groups.

Donna · Tom:Tom: 'Favorite book?' Donna: 'Downton Abbey.' Tom: 'That's not a--' Donna: 'Downton... Abbey.'

Donna:Donna's perfect Sunday: 'Church, do the Harper's Magazine Acrostic, play my oboe in the jacuzzi while the sun sets over Puget Sound.'

Donna · Tom:Donna's favorite movies: 'In order -- Natural Born Killers, Remains of the Day, and Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey.' Tom: 'Excellent.'

Tom:Tom confessional: 'No idea.'

Ron:Ron's woodworking metaphor teaching: 'If a joint is properly fashioned, all you need to do is guide it into place.'

Chris:Chris interprets Ron's crib-building advice as parenting metaphors: 'What I get from that is, when parenting, sometimes a subtle hand is more effective than a strong one.'

Chris:Chris references his parenting book: 'Rad Dads by Apolo Anton Ohno and Shaun White.'

Chris · Ron:Ron throws away a piece of wood. Chris: 'I just don't understand the throwing away the wood metaphor. What's the lesson? Oh, I know! It's potty-training. That trash can is the toilet, and the wood was the feces.'

Chris · Ron:Ron throws wood in the trash. / I just don't understand 'the throwing away the wood' metaphor. What's the lesson? Oh, I know! It's potty-training. That trash can is the toilet, and the wood was the feces.

Ron · Chris:Ron: 'Chris, I'm not teaching you anything. We're just building a crib.' Chris: 'No, I know you're not consciously teaching me anything. I'm trying to siphon off some of your calm, centered wisdom through metaphors.'

Ron:Ron: 'Metaphors? I hate metaphors. That's why my favorite book is Moby Dick -- no froufrou symbolism, just a good, simple tale about a man who hates an animal.'

Tom:Tom's spirit dog for Donna: 'You are a Nova Scotia toller, because you're outgoing and adventurous. And you love Canada?'

Donna:You'll probably never guess what kind of dog I am.

Tom · Donna:Tom: 'You'll probably never guess what kind of dog I am.' Donna: 'You're right. I'll never guess what kind of dog you are, because you're not a dog. You're a cat.'

Tom:Tom's H-2-flow counter-pitch: explains the molar mass (136.086) and asks 'How does 136.086 grab you?' to mock how Jamm's Drink-ems campaign used meaningless numbers.

Leslie · Tom:Leslie tries to intervene in Tom's H-2-flow pitch by saying 'Excuse me. I have several binders with very important data that I need to get through.' Tom cuts her off: 'Well, miss, I think we'd all appreciate it if you just swallowed a teaspoon of hush.'

Tom:Tom's H-2-flow pitch: sparkle points, aqua badges, Platinum Club — gamifying fluoride like a phone app.

Tom:Tom confessional: 'I'm great at business, and I'm great at parks stuff. I'm like Picasso meets Michael Jordan. I can paint, but, uh, I can also be a world-class gambler.'

Ron:Ron presents Chris with the crib he built: 'I tested it by hitting it with my truck.'

Ron:Ron: 'There's more than one crib tree in a forest. That's not a lesson, by the way, just a comment on lumber availability.'

Ron:Nobody has all the right answers in parenting, including me. And that toxic crib you bought won't be the last mistake you make. But a man who's this worried about making all the right choices cares very much. That's all that matters. You'll be a great father.

Chris · Ron:Ron's final parenting advice ends with Chris saying 'Does the white whale actually symbolize the unknowability and meaninglessness of human existence?' Ron: 'No. It's just a shitty fish.'

Ben · Leslie:Ben: 'H-2-flow is fluoride, right?' Leslie: 'I think so. I'll double-check with Tom, but I'm, like, 95% sure.'

Leslie · Ben:Ben and Leslie look at each other after both losing their jobs: 'Weird, huh?' 'You and I -- we always land on our feet, right?' Then: 'Uh-oh! Guess who won that plain blue T-shirt?'