Fluoride

Hi, I'm April. I stole your wallet.

You guys are weird. Thank you.

Keep walking, 98. Skill positions only for Donna Meagle.

"Run"? Tommy doesn't run. That's your guys' job. Now, uh, let's go fetch this football throw, fellas.

This morning I saw a YouTube clip of a little puppy riding a motorcycle. So my bar for "stunning" is pretty high.

Then I would tell you the puppy had a little side car with a piggy in it named Hampton.

Pawnee is going to have fluoride in its water for the first time in our history, our oral history. Nailed it.

Lame duck? Try flame duck... 'cause this duck is on fire.

Oh, my God. He's not wearing any pants. What's wrong with him? Let's get out of here. He's smiling at us! Let's go! Run!

Several months ago, I was on a walk and found my crib tree. I approached the tree, murdered it, left it to cure in my woodshop

Are you going to crawl my way? By Lenny Kravitz.

I am confident that it is literally the safest crib in the explored universe.

Counteroffer-- you take me nowhere, and I talk to no one.

Counter-counteroffer-- you come with me, or I make you attend a four-hour fax cover-sheet protocol meeting.

Fluoride can control minds? Like, you can use it to make ladies do stuff?

How am I the one that is getting booted off of this city council?

I don't want fluoride in the water because I'm a dentist, and I like cavities.

Got an Asian girl to sit in it once.

Remember last year when no one would get flu shots 'cause there was a rumor they turned you European?

Some lardos in Muncie ate tainted Sweetums toffee sticks and diarrhea'd so much, they ended up in the hospital.

I want to throw up and kill myself.

If you can look at that site and not want to take home 50 dogs, you're basically a war criminal.

Larry, I swear to God, if you leave right now, we will make your spirit dog a miniature schnauzer. Is that bad? Yes!

You bought a machine that replicates an open window?

I'd like to solve the puzzle of parenting.

Oh, yeah, that thing is a deathtrap.

It burned off my fingernails.

You definitely understand what chemicals are, Perd.

I'm like a white, male U.S. senator.

but now the binders are bright yellow! Boom!

What's he gonna be in ten years--Snoop Laser Snake?

Oh, no! That is insane! I will burn this place to the ground if you pick that one!

Because you're pretty and you like makeup and stuff.

You have used 9. I have used 20. Continue.

100.

fluoride, chemical, tiny genitals, misinformation, panic, death, Jenny McCarthy.

What the-- what just happened?

Welcome to T-dazzle. It's not a chemical. It's an aquatic-based social-media oral experience.

Someone like Ron is teaching even when they're not teaching. Does that make sense? My anxiety has kept me up for over 50 hours.

We call it "Drink-ems"! Whoo!

Did you bring those with you just to do that? Maybe. Damn. It is a baller move.

You're beautiful, yet cold and aloof. You pride yourself on being a loner. You do not obey, you choose to cooperate. And when you stop baring your fangs to pick a mate, it's for life. And you're fiercely loyal to your pack, which makes you a rare black Siberian husky.

That was so spot-on, it was scary. I need to go lie down for 45 minutes. No, an hour... a full hour.

What's next-- cookie dough toothpaste? Bad example. That would be amazing.

Because you were embezzling... I hope.

What do you want, Leslie? I love him, and I will do anything to help him get his job back. What do you want?

You are such an autumn.

1970s funk and 1770s opera and Sugar Ray, post Mark McGrath after he left for Entertainment Tonight.

Favorite book? Downton Abbey. That's not a-- Downton... Abbey.

In order-- Natural Born Killers, Remains of the Day, and Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey. Excellent.

Rad Dads by Apolo Anton Ohno and Shaun White.

That trash can is the toilet, and the wood was the feces.

That's why my favorite book is Moby Dick-- no froufrou symbolism, just a good, simple tale about a man who hates an animal.

You're not a dog. You're a cat.

What will we do-- sleep all day, take cooking classes together, sit on a couch and watch movies? God, that sounds horrible.

Each Drink-ems is packed with 35% of your daily monopotassium phosphate requirement. MPP is an emulsifier as well as a plus-7 PH buffer. Now, I know what you're thinking-- what about its molar mass? How does 136.086 grab you?

Well, miss, I think we'd all appreciate it if you just swallowed a teaspoon of hush.

I'm like Picasso meets Michael Jordan. I can paint, but, uh, I can also be a world-class gambler.

I'm like Picasso meets Michael Jordan. I can paint, but, uh, I can also be a world-class gambler.

There's more than one crib tree in a forest. That's not a lesson, by the way, just a comment on lumber availability.

Does the white whale actually symbolize the unknowability and meaninglessness of human existence? No. It's just a shitty fish.

I think so. I'll double-check with Tom, but I'm, like, 95% sure.