The Third Conchord

Murray:Well, needless to say, people are still talking about me in Barcelona.

Jemaine:I bet they are.

Jemaine:Murray, who's this guy?

Murray:I'm getting to that, Jemaine, all right? That's in the agenda under Todd.

Murray:Now I wasn't sure whether that was the magazine or the band. I've heard from both, I've got a no from the band...

Murray:Do you want me to go back to item one?

Bret:Yeah, go back to item one.

Murray:Item one: Todd. Yeah, he's the new band member.

Todd:Hi.

Murray:Right. Item two...

Jemaine:Whoa!

Murray:Even better than yesterday. You could see all the details when your fingers bounce off the skins. Pigskin, is it?

Todd:I'll just tell you straight up that all I'm really interested in is kicking some grooves, banging some tunes, I don't know, just basically getting it on.

Murray:Come on, Todd, we're having a private band meeting.

Bret:No, I mean without Todd.

Murray:Sometimes I have good ideas.

Jemaine:When?

Murray:Like that time I saw you for the first time onstage. I said 'Face the front,' and you did.

Murray:I'd just been given nitrous oxide. I was at the dentist. I didn't know what I was talking about. I think I'm going to his brother's wedding.

Murray:You're like a proper band. You're like The Policemen.

Murray:I'm on a... call here with the Secretary of State. Could you... how much longer are you gonna be?

Murray:Give Peace a Chance.

Murray:Give Pete a Chance.

Jemaine:Peace.

Todd:Can we try a song that I wrote real quick?

Jemaine:No.

Todd:All you guys'll do, you'll put your guitars and bass down and you just go, 'Arf arf!' In the background, like dogs. Like bad dogs.

Bret:I dance when I'm angry.

Todd:When you're angry? Who dances when they're angry?

Mel:Whoa-ho! What are the chances? We're always bumping into each other.

Jemaine:About one in one.

Todd:Actually, he, um, neglected to tell me what a hottie you are.

Mel:Stop it.

Todd:Looks like the race is on. Gentlemen, start your engines. Vroom! Vroom!

Mel:What do you play, Todd?

Todd:I'll give you a clue.

Todd:The bongos.

Mel:Oh! Rhythmic.

Todd:Yeah, tribal.

Todd:Powerful. Very physical, if you know what I mean.

Jemaine:She's a maniac.

Todd:In the sack? Really?

Jemaine:No. What?

Todd:Oh, I thought you had a threesome with her.

Jemaine:No, she's just a fan. Never had a threesome with her.

Todd:Who cares? I'm a bongo player in a band. She's hot to trot. I'm gonna make it happen. I'm gonna give it to her.

Todd:Well, if you two homo sapiens aren't gonna make the move, guess what? I'm gonna.

Murray:He's the Pied Piper of cool.

Murray:Pied Piper was a good musician, wasn't he?

Jemaine:He was cool.

Bret:He wasn't cool.

Jemaine:Yes, he was.

Bret:He took all those kids into a cave.

Murray:No, before that phase, when just the rats followed him...

Your solos were too long?

No no no, the band name is too long.

What is it? Flight of the Con... Con... Conchords...

Blah blah blah. Too long, too boring.

Todd:Get ready... The Crazy Dogggz. Three Gs and a Z.

Jemaine:You're too easily offended.

Bret:I can't believe you just said that.

Jemaine:I told him he was fired, he pushed me.

Jemaine:Then he said that you should be fired because you're the one holding us back.

Bret:Well, I hit him.

Jemaine:Well, you see, while I had him in a headlock, he sort of explained why he thought you shouldn't be in the band. And after a while it kind of made sense.

Bret:You were only over there for like 20 seconds.

Jemaine:Yeah, after about 20 seconds it kind of made sense.

Jemaine:It's easy for me to fire you, Bret, because you're my friend.

Jemaine:Flup!

Todd:More enthusiasm this time, all right?

Jemaine:Todd, how about you get down on all fours and wag your tail like you just can't fail and I'll just play bass, huh?

Bret:I'm not Gloria Estefan, all right?

Todd:It's not about the music. You know what it's about? # The pussy! #

Bret:Do you guys need to borrow my amp?

Todd:Bret, you're pathetic, man. We don't need a roadie, okay?

Murray:So is a guitar or a keyboard?

Demetri:Exactly. It's the best of both worlds.

Murray:No, don't like it. Ugh, no. Weird.

Murray:Oh, that bit's good.

Demetri:Oh, here we go. The Fonzies have arrived.

Bret:It's called the Original Flight of the Conchords. You guys can be called Flight of the Condors, or whatever.

Murray:We shouldn't even be arguing in front of the map. It's not right.

Jemaine:What do you play, the leather jacket?

Murray:We shouldn't even be arguing in front of the map.

Jemaine:Well, I was trying to fire Todd but he did a sad face at me.

Murray:I'm not even suppose to manage one band. I'm suppose to be working at the New Zealand Consulate, Bret.

Murray:Does he play any other instruments?

Demetri:No.

Murray:Come on, what? Is that what you want? I'm gonna break your keytar. I'm gonna break your keytar.

Demetri:You think I care?

Jemaine:# The distant future, the year 2000 #

Bret:# Arf arf arf arf #

Bret:It's going pretty good, except that he copies my moves.

Jemaine:What moves?

Bret:My dance moves.

Jemaine:You don't have dance moves.

Demetri:Todd and I are going to start a group... our own group without Bret and Jerome.

Murray:I'm flabbergasted.

Bret:Hey, you got one of the Crazy Dogggz t-shirts.

Mel:No.

Bret:It says Crazy Dogggz on it.

Jemaine:Hey, Mel, you didn't make it to our gig the other...

Mel:Oh, yeah.

Jemaine:There was no one there... without you there.

Murray:Number one in 24 countries.

Jemaine:They say hi?

Murray:No.

Bret:How giant is it?

Murray:That's what it's called... Giant. So I'm guessing pretty big.

Murray:Giant Stadium.

Bret:How giant is it?

Murray:That's what it's called... Giant. So I'm guessing pretty big.

Murray:I've got lunch with Tori Amos.