The Third Conchord

Murray:Well, needless to say, people are still talking about me in Barcelona.

Jemaine:I bet they are.

Jemaine:Murray, who's this guy?

Murray:I'm getting to that, Jemaine, all right? That's in the agenda under Todd.

Murray:Now I wasn't sure whether that was the magazine or the band. I've heard from both, I've got a no from the band...

Murray:Do you want me to go back to item one?

Bret:Yeah, go back to item one.

Murray:Item one: Todd. Yeah, he's the new band member.

Todd:Hi.

Murray:Right. Item two...

Jemaine:Whoa!

Murray:Even better than yesterday. You could see all the details when your fingers bounce off the skins. Pigskin, is it?

Todd:I'll just tell you straight up that all I'm really interested in is kicking some grooves, banging some tunes, I don't know, just basically getting it on.

Murray:Come on, Todd, we're having a private band meeting.

Bret:No, I mean without Todd.

Murray:Sometimes I have good ideas.

Jemaine:When?

Murray:Like that time I saw you for the first time onstage. I said 'Face the front,' and you did.

Murray:I'd just been given nitrous oxide. I was at the dentist. I didn't know what I was talking about. I think I'm going to his brother's wedding.

Murray:You're like a proper band. You're like The Policemen.

Murray:I'm on a... call here with the Secretary of State. Could you... how much longer are you gonna be?

Murray:Give Peace a Chance.

Murray:Give Pete a Chance.

Jemaine:Peace.

Todd:Can we try a song that I wrote real quick?

Jemaine:No.

Todd:All you guys'll do, you'll put your guitars and bass down and you just go, 'Arf arf!' In the background, like dogs. Like bad dogs.

Bret:I dance when I'm angry.

Todd:When you're angry? Who dances when they're angry?

Mel:Whoa-ho! What are the chances? We're always bumping into each other.

Jemaine:About one in one.

Todd:Actually, he, um, neglected to tell me what a hottie you are.

Mel:Stop it.

Todd:Looks like the race is on. Gentlemen, start your engines. Vroom! Vroom!

Mel:What do you play, Todd?

Todd:I'll give you a clue.

Todd:The bongos.

Mel:Oh! Rhythmic.

Todd:Yeah, tribal.

Todd:Powerful. Very physical, if you know what I mean.

Jemaine:She's a maniac.

Todd:In the sack? Really?

Jemaine:No. What?

Todd:Oh, I thought you had a threesome with her.

Jemaine:No, she's just a fan. Never had a threesome with her.

Todd:Who cares? I'm a bongo player in a band. She's hot to trot. I'm gonna make it happen. I'm gonna give it to her.

Todd:Well, if you two homo sapiens aren't gonna make the move, guess what? I'm gonna.

Murray:He's the Pied Piper of cool.

Murray:Pied Piper was a good musician, wasn't he?

Jemaine:He was cool.

Bret:He wasn't cool.

Jemaine:Yes, he was.

Bret:He took all those kids into a cave.

Murray:No, before that phase, when just the rats followed him...

Your solos were too long?

No no no, the band name is too long.

What is it? Flight of the Con... Con... Conchords...

Blah blah blah. Too long, too boring.

Todd:Get ready... The Crazy Dogggz. Three Gs and a Z.

Jemaine:You're too easily offended.

Bret:I can't believe you just said that.

Jemaine:I told him he was fired, he pushed me.

Jemaine:Then he said that you should be fired because you're the one holding us back.

Bret:Well, I hit him.

Jemaine:Well, you see, while I had him in a headlock, he sort of explained why he thought you shouldn't be in the band. And after a while it kind of made sense.

Bret:You were only over there for like 20 seconds.

Jemaine:Yeah, after about 20 seconds it kind of made sense.

Jemaine:It's easy for me to fire you, Bret, because you're my friend.

Jemaine:Flup!

Todd:More enthusiasm this time, all right?

Jemaine:Todd, how about you get down on all fours and wag your tail like you just can't fail and I'll just play bass, huh?

Bret:I'm not Gloria Estefan, all right?

Todd:It's not about the music. You know what it's about? # The pussy! #

Bret:Do you guys need to borrow my amp?

Todd:Bret, you're pathetic, man. We don't need a roadie, okay?

Murray:So is a guitar or a keyboard?

Demetri:Exactly. It's the best of both worlds.

Murray:No, don't like it. Ugh, no. Weird.

Murray:Oh, that bit's good.

Demetri:Oh, here we go. The Fonzies have arrived.

Bret:It's called the Original Flight of the Conchords. You guys can be called Flight of the Condors, or whatever.

Murray:We shouldn't even be arguing in front of the map. It's not right.

Jemaine:What do you play, the leather jacket?

Murray:We shouldn't even be arguing in front of the map.

Jemaine:Well, I was trying to fire Todd but he did a sad face at me.

Murray:I'm not even suppose to manage one band. I'm suppose to be working at the New Zealand Consulate, Bret.

Murray:Does he play any other instruments?

Demetri:No.

Murray:Come on, what? Is that what you want? I'm gonna break your keytar. I'm gonna break your keytar.

Demetri:You think I care?

Jemaine:# The distant future, the year 2000 #

Bret:# Arf arf arf arf #

Bret:It's going pretty good, except that he copies my moves.

Jemaine:What moves?

Bret:My dance moves.

Jemaine:You don't have dance moves.

Demetri:Todd and I are going to start a group... our own group without Bret and Jerome.

Murray:I'm flabbergasted.

Bret:Hey, you got one of the Crazy Dogggz t-shirts.

Mel:No.

Bret:It says Crazy Dogggz on it.

Jemaine:Hey, Mel, you didn't make it to our gig the other...

Mel:Oh, yeah.

Jemaine:There was no one there... without you there.

Murray:Number one in 24 countries.

Jemaine:They say hi?

Murray:No.

Bret:How giant is it?

Murray:That's what it's called... Giant. So I'm guessing pretty big.

Murray:Giant Stadium.

Bret:How giant is it?

Murray:That's what it's called... Giant. So I'm guessing pretty big.

Murray:I've got lunch with Tori Amos.

Murray:Murray: 'I'm not even supposed to manage one band. I'm supposed to be working at the New Zealand Consulate, Bret.'

Murray:Murray: 'Murray, do you think you could find another cubicle?' / Murray: 'Oh, sorry, Greg. Yeah, all right.'

Bret · Jemaine:[Song: 'The Distant Future'] — Robot characters sing 'The humans are dead / We used poisonous gasses / And we poisoned their asses.'

Bret · Jemaine:Bret complains that Demetri copies his dance moves. / Jemaine: 'What moves? You don't have dance moves.' / Bret: 'He also started copying my look.' / Jemaine: 'What look?'

Bret · Jemaine:Demetri and me are doing pretty well. It's probably better than you and me as well. / Really? / Yeah. / Hmm.

Murray · Jemaine:Murray calls the band meeting: 'Leave those girls alone there and come over.' / Jemaine: 'Okay, Bret.' / Murray: 'Jemaine.' / Jemaine: 'Standing right next to you.'

Murray:Went really good tonight. Really good, you two. / Thank you. / And good, you two too.

Murray · Jemaine · Todd:Murray: 'Actually, Jemaine, what about that song of Todd's? You could do the one about the dogs. "The Doggy Bounce."' / Jemaine: 'Bring that one in. I like that one.' [Todd]: 'Arf arf.' / Jemaine: 'Yeah, it's not ready though.'

Jemaine · Todd · Murray · Bret:Jemaine and Todd argue: 'It's been ready! It's been ready!' — Murray: 'Come on, listen. Look, shake hands.' / 'He's squeezing my hand a little bit.' / Todd: 'Are you? Just my regular handshake.' / Bret: 'There's no squeeze there. What a wuss.'

Bret · Murray · Todd:He's squeezing my hand a little bit. / Are you? / Just my regular handshake. / There's no squeeze there. What a wuss.

Murray:I'm flabbergasted.

Todd · Demetri:'Doggy dos and doggy don'ts / Doggy wills and doggy won'ts / Arf arf, do the doggy bounce' — sustained lyric section

Bret · Mel:Mel is wearing a Crazy Dogggz t-shirt. Bret: 'Hey, you got one of the Crazy Dogggz t-shirts.' / Mel: 'No.'

Bret · Mel:Hey, Mel, you didn't make it to our gig the other... / Oh, yeah. / There was no one there... [long pause] without you there.

Jemaine · Bret:Mel rushes off; Jemaine plaintively calls after her: 'Hey, Mel, you didn't make it to our gig the other...' (trailing off as she leaves) / '...There was no one there...' / '...without you there.'

Murray:Murray returns after an apparent long absence: 'Well, sorry I haven't been in touch. I've just been so busy, man, you know?' — then lists the Crazy Dogggz' achievements: 'Number one in 24 countries. / We did one gig... 98,000 people. That was in Rio. / The President of Peru invited us to like a dinner. We had parfaits. / I got like a big sun lounger.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Well, sorry I haven't been in touch. I've just been so busy, man, you know? / How are the Crazy Dogggz? / They're a phenomenon. Number one in 24 countries. / They say hi? / No.

Murray:Know the dog? It was my idea. / Really? / It's Toby.

Murray:We did one gig... 98,000 people. That was in Rio. Then the President of Peru invited us to like a dinner. We had parfaits. I got like a big sun lounger.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray: 'Do we have any gigs, Murray?' / Murray: 'Yeah. Yeah, you've got the library. They want you back for the bingo night.'

Murray · Bret:Murray: 'Actually that's the same night that the Crazy Dogggz have got a big gig. Giant Stadium. / How giant is it? / That's what it's called... Giant. So I'm guessing pretty big.'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:Murray: 'So I'm gonna go there first, set them up, and then come back to the library, help you guys out, and then probably to and fro between the library and the stadium.' / Bret: 'Yeah, Murray, it seems like you're spending a lot more time with the Crazy Dogggz than us.' / Murray: 'No, equal time. Check my schedules, it's equal.'

Murray:So I'm gonna go there first, set them up, and then come back to the library, help you guys out, and then probably to and fro between the library and the stadium.

Murray:Murray: 'I can't discuss it now 'cause I've got to go. I've got lunch with Tori Amos.'